And Dylan will make 5

LOST

2012-01-20T14:06:00.002-05:00

THIS HAS TURNED OUT TO BE ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS I HAVE EVER DONE. IT HAS TOTALLY CONSUMED ME. I MEAN ASIDE FROM MY WIFE AND OUR KIDS OF COURSE. WE ARE STILL HANGING IN THERE BUT HONESTLY HAVEN'T MADE MUCH PROGRESS. RIGHT NOW WE HAVE THE FROZEN 3DAYS AND WE WILL BE DOING ANOTHER RETRIEVAL THIS SUNDAY. IT SEEMS LIKE THEY WILL ONLY GET 1 THIS TIME. I AM CRUSHED. THIS WAS GOING TO BE OUR LAST CYCLE BUT WE JUST CAN'T QUIT RIGHT NOW SO I THINK WE WILL BE DOING ANOTHER 3 CYCLES BEFORE WE DO MORE TRANSFERS. I AM TIRED OF NEEDLES AND PILLS AND ULTRASOUNDS. I AM TIRED OF FEELING LIKE I AM TRAPPED IN A NEVER ENDING CYCLE OF IN AND OUT OF THE DOCTOR. I HAVE BEEN THERE 3 DAYS IN A ROW AND WILL BE BACK THERE AGAIN ANOTHER 2...5 FRIGGIN DAYS IN A ROW!!! I AM EXHAUSTED. WE ARE TRYING SO HARD TO KEEP POSITIVE BUT THERE ARE SOME DAYS...MORE OFTEN THEN NOT...THAT IT JUST IS IMPOSSIBLE. BELIEVE ME I KNOW THAT 5 MONTHS IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HOW LONG SOME PEOPLE GO THROUGH THIS JOURNEY AND I HAVE NOTHING BUT THE UTMOST RESPECT FOR THEM...BUT WE JUST CAN'T DO IT. IT WILL BE ABOUT A YEAR WHEN THIS IS ALL SAID AND DONE. THAT'S ALL I CAN DO AND THAT'S PUSHING IT. I LITERALLY AM TAKING THIS A DAY AT A TIME...TODAY I AM TAKING IT MINUTE BY MINUTE. HOPEFULLY ONE DAY MY BEAUTIFUL, SUPPORTIVE, PATIENT AND SUPER FABULOUS WIFE AND I CAN READ ALL THIS AGAIN WITH OUR BABY IN OUR ARMS. UNTIL THEN I AM JUST GONNA TRY MY BEST TO KEEP STRONG.

HERE WE GO AGAIN

2011-12-14T08:49:00.002-05:00

SO TOMORROW I START INJECTIONS AGAIN. MOVING UP FROM 150IU TO 225IU. SIX DAYS OF THAT THEN BACK IN TO BE CHECKED. I THINK WE ARE DEFINITELY GONNA JUST DO TWO BACK TO BACK RETRIEVALS THIS TIME AROUND. AFTER THAT WE WILL SEE WHAT WE ARE WORKING WITH AND DO TRANSFERS. WE PICKED A NEW DONOR AND ARE PRETTY HAPPY WITH OUR CHOICE. ITS FUNNY HOW SOMETIMES WE WIND UP BACK WHERE WE STARTED JUST TO GET BACK ON THE RIGHT TRACK. HOPEFULLY WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK THE NEXT TIME WE TRANSFER, BUT IF NOT, WHEN THE RESERVES ARE GONE...OUR JOURNEY WILL BE OVER. WITH TWO TEENS GOING TO COLLEGE SOON...WE JUST CAN'T FINANCIALLY DO IT FOR MUCH LONGER. THAT DOESN'T EVEN TAKE INTO ACCOUNT WHAT IT IS DOING EMOTIONALLY.

WE ARE BACK AND FORTH ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT TO DO TRANSFERS AS SOON AS WE CAN OR WAIT A FEW MONTHS AND TRY TO REGROUP AND GET A LITTLE HEALTHIER BEFORE WE DO. THERE ARE A FEW OTHER FACTORS THAT ARE INVOLVED BUT WE ARE GONNA DEAL WITH THE RETRIEVALS AND THEN WORRY ABOUT OUR DECISION ABOUT TRANSFER LATER. ITS FUNNY HOW YOU CAN TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED.

ANYWAY, OUR BOYS ARE DOING WELL. ALL IN ALL THEY ARE PRETTY GOOD KIDS WHO DO NOT GIVE US MUCH TROUBLE. THEY DO WELL IN SCHOOL, BEHAVE AT HOME, HAVE DECENT FRIENDS AND ARE PRETTY LOVING AND RESPONSIBLE. THEY ARE NOT PERFECT, BUT WHO IS. THEY EACH HAVE HAD THEIR SLIP UPS AND MOMENTS OF INSANITY BUT THEIR BIGGEST PROBLEMS ARE RELATIONSHIPS. THEY BOTH HAVE A HABIT OF FALLING FOR THE WRONG GIRL. EITHER SHE IS NUTS OR HER PARENTS ARE NUTS OR A COMBO OF BOTH...BUT BOTH OF OUR KIDS SEEM TO FALL HEAD OVER HEELS AND NOTHING AND NO ONE CAN TELL THEM OTHERWISE. IT COULD BE WORSE, THEY COULD BE THE KIND OF BOYS RUNNING THROUGH GIRLS BACK TO BACK JUST TO GET THE NUMBERS. HOWEVER, THEY ARE BOTH CURRENTLY IN VERY COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIPS WHICH THEY FEEL WILL LAST FOREVER. THEY HAVE BOTH FOUND "THE ONE" I CRINGE AT THE IDEA AT THIS POINT. THEY BOTH DESERVE BETTER. THEY BOTH GIVE SO MUCH OF THEMSELVES AND GET SO LITTLE IN RETURN. OTHER THAN THAT, NOT MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT WITH THEM. WE ARE LUCKY.

MAYBE WE CAN LUCK OUT A THIRD TIME.

BACK TO START

2011-12-02T13:08:00.003-05:00

SO IT DIDN'T WORK. I KIND OF FELT LIKE IT DIDN'T OR RATHER I TRIED TO NOT GET MY HOPES UP AND YET WHEN THE NURSE CALLED TO TELL ME SHE WAS SORRY...IT BROKE MY FUCKING HEART. I HAD BEEN REALLY SICK WITH BRONCHITIS FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND I FELT LIKE SHIT THE DAY OF THE TRANSFER BUT WE WERE SO CLOSE THAT WE DECIDED TO JUST GO WITH IT. THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND PUT OUR EMBIE ON THE SCREEN AND TOLD ME IT WAS AVERAGE BUT NOT TO WORRY...MOST OF US COME FROM AVERAGE EMBRYOS. I WANTED TO BELIEVE HIM BUT I AM NOT ONE WHO BELIEVES IN THE LONG SHOT. HE ALSO MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT CHANGING DONORS...LATER ON THAT...I FELT LIKE IT WORKED FOR A FEW DAYS. I SAID PRAYER AFTER PRAYER AND SPOKE OUT LOUD TO THE EMBRYO IN MY BODY. HOPING THAT GIVING LIFE TO MY THOUGHTS WOULD SOMEHOW MAKE IT MORE REAL. IT DIDN'T WORK. SO HERE WE ARE AGAIN BACK AT START. NOT A SINGLE EGG OR EMBRYO TO SHOW. WE ARE SWITCHING DONORS (WHICH BY THE WAY WAS NOT FUN LAST MINUTE) AND WE ARE TAKING A CYCLE TO BREATHE...THE DOCTOR IS STILL MONITORING ME AND NOW HAS ME ON BIRTH CONTROL (HOLD LAUGHTER FOR THE SEVERAL REASONS OF IRONY) BUT WE WONT BE DOING RETRIEVAL FOR SEVERAL MORE WEEKS. WE ARE MOST LIKELY GOING TO DO BACK TO BACK RETRIEVALS AND THEN WORRY ABOUT TRANSFER LATER. I FEEL LIKE I AM TORN BETWEEN WHEN AND WHAT TO DO. I GIVE ALL THE CREDIT IN THE WORLD TO WOMEN WHO HANG IN THERE FOR YEARS...I CAN'T DO IT. THIS IS SO MUCH MORE EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY TAXING THEN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. WHAT IS WORSE IS HOW HARD I HAVE TO TRY AND HIDE HOW I AM FEELING BECAUSE WE STILL HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING TO THE KIDS AND WELL LIFE HAS TO GO ON AS USUAL. THAT IS ONE THING I DO NOT REGRET. I DEFINITELY DO NOT REGRET DECIDING TO KEEP THE KIDS IN THE DARK FOR NOW. WATCHING THEM STRUGGLE WITH EVER DAY TEENAGE BULLSHIT AND DRAMA I KNOW ADDING OUR OWN TO THE MIX FOR NO DEFINITE REASON WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN THE WRONG CHOICE FOR US. TWO OF US ARE ON THIS ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS AND THAT IS ENOUGH. I AM HOPING THE NEW YEAR WILL BRING US SOME NEW LUCK AND NEW HOPE.

AND THEN THERE WAS ONE

2011-10-11T14:17:00.003-04:00

AFTER ALL WAS SAID AND DONE...WE ENDED UP WITH ONE 6DAY BLAST SAFELY FROZEN AND WAITING FOR US. I WAS FEELING CRUSHED ABOUT ONLY GETTING ONE BUT ONE IS ALL IT TAKES SO I AM EMBRACING THE IDEA OF BEING HOPEFUL FOR OUR FET. I HAVE TO GO BACK NEXT MONDAY THE 17TH TO SEE HOW WELL MY LINING IS BUILDING UP ON ITS OWN AND THEN WE WILL GO FROM THERE. HOPEFULLY, THIS WILL BE IT AND WE WILL BE HEARING SOME POSITIVE NEWS. CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC IS HOW I AM GOING TO LABEL MYSELF RIGHT NOW... I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR MY WIFE WHO DESPITE HER OWN FEARS AND WORRIES HAS HELPED ME BE STRONG AND STEADFAST IN THIS JOURNEY. SHE HAS HELP ME UP ALOT LATELY. I AM NOT THE KIND OF PERSON WHO LIKES TO ADMIT WHEN I NEED HELP BUT HOLY SHIT HAVE I NEEDED IT LATELY. OUR KIDS STILL DON'T KNOW THAT WE ARE TRYING, AND LET ME TELL YOU HOW GLAD I AM THAT THEY HAVEN'T HAD TO GO THROUGH THIS UP AND DOWN BULLSHIT WITH US, SO I HAVE LITERALLY HAD TO GO FROM CRYING HYSTERICALLY TO ACTING LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG. WE ACTUALLY GOT THE CALL ABOUT OUR EMBRYOS WHILE AT THE FOOTBALL GAME OF OUR OLDEST. SECRETLY JABBING NEEDLES IN YOUR STOMACH WHILE IN THE MIDST OF TEENAGE ANGST HAS BEEN AN ADVENTURE TO SAY THE LEAST. SHE HAS JUST BEEN MY ROCK. SHE HAS PUSHED ME WHEN I WAS READY TO GIVE UP AND COMFORTED ME WHEN I FELT LIKE I WAS FAILING US. SHE HAS BEEN A GREAT MOM TO THE BOYS WE HAVE AND I KNOW SHE WILL BE JUST AS PHENOMENAL IF NOT MORE SO THIS TIME AROUND. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU GET TO MAKE ALL THE MISTAKES THE FIRST TIME AROUND (INSIDE JOKE). SO THAT'S WHERE WE ARE AND THAT'S WHERE WE ARE GOING. HOPEFULLY, WE WILL SEE YOU ALL THERE.

RED LIGHT, GREEN LIGHT 1...2...3

2011-10-05T11:02:00.002-04:00

SO...WE ARE WAITING A LITTLE WHILE LONGER. WE HAD A RETRIEVAL THIS PAST MONDAY. WE GOT 8, 3 WERE GOOD, 3 WERE DISCARDED AND 2 ARE PENDING. UNFORTUNATELY, MY HORMONES WERE TOO HIGH TO DO A FRESH TRANSFER THIS CYCLE SO WE ARE HOPING THEY ALL MAKE IT TO FREEZE ON THE 10TH. WE WERE GIVEN THE OPTION TO DO ANOTHER CYCLE OF RETRIEVAL IN THE MEANTIME BUT WE PASSED. MY MIND AND BODY NEED A REST. SO WE ARE HOPING TO KEEP HEARING GOOD NEWS EVERY COUPLE OF DAYS TILL OUR SNO*WBAB*IES ARE TUCKED SAFELY AWAY AND THEN WAITING IT OUT UNTIL END OF THE MONTH TO DO AN FET. HOPEFULLY, WE WILL GET TO HAVE ONE OF OUR LIL SNOWB*ABIES PUT IN ITS RIGHTFUL HOME UNTIL WE MEET IN PERSON SOMETIME THIS SUMMER. I SHOULD WOULD LIKE TO BE ABLE TO FILE THIS ONE AS A SUCCESS BUT THIS FEELING OF DISAPPOINTMENT I AM CARRYING AROUND WITH ME ONLY LETS ME THINK OF IT AS A STEP FORWARD WITH A LONG PAUSE BEFORE ANOTHER STEP...IT SURE DOES SEEM LIKE THIS JOURNEY IS GOING TO TAKE FOREVER EVEN THOUGH IN MY HEART I KNOW AT SOME POINT EVERY JOURNEY MUST END.

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT...RIGHT?

2011-09-13T10:34:00.003-04:00

I WILL KEEP IT SHORT AND (BITTER)SWEET. OUR FIRST ATTEMPT AT MINI-IVF WAS NOT A SUCCESS. IT WAS A NEW EXPERIENCE. CLOMID AND A FEW (THAT TURNED INTO A FEW EXTRA) FOLLISTIM INJECTIONS. I FOUND THE RETRIEVAL PAINFUL, CONTRARY TO PUBLIC OPINION. AFTER ALL THAT, WE GOT 1 LONELY LIL EGG. IT DIDN'T MAKE IT TO FERTILIZATION. SO...HERE WE GO AGAIN. EXCEPT THIS TIME THE DOCTOR IS GOING TO BE MORE AGGRESSIVE AND THAT I AM SURE WILL MEAN MORE MEDS... *SIGH* I CRIED A LOT WHEN I HEARD OUR EGG DIDN'T MAKE IT BUT I AM OK NOW. I AM EXCITED AND FEEL LIKE THIS IS GONNA BE IT. MY WIFE, YES, NOW LEGALLY OFFICIALLY AND TILL DEATH DO US PART, WIFE, HAS BEEN ABSOLUTELY PHENOMENAL. SHE HAS AMAZED ME IN NEW WAYS AND HAS BEEN INVOLVED EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. SO IN THE MEANTIME, I LEFT THE RETRIEVAL WITH (HOLD YOUR LAUGHTER AT THE IRONY) BIRTH CONTROL PILLS FOR TWO WEEKS AND AN APPOINTMENT TO COME BACK ON SEPTEMBER 21ST. SO HERE IS TO MAKING THAT PRACTICE RUN WORTH EVERY SINGLE MOMENT.

NEW PLAN...WE ARE ALL IN

2011-03-07T08:54:00.003-05:00

WE ARE BYPASSING ANYMORE IUIs AND DOING IVF...OR RATHER MINI-IVF. WE FOUND A REALLY GREAT PLACE HERE IN NYC CALLED N*EW HO*PE FERT*ILITY AND AFTER TESTING AND CONSULT WITH THE DOCTOR...WE DECIDED TO GO THE ROUTE OF IVF. THIS PARTICULAR PLACE SPECIALIZES IN MINI-IVFs. BASICALLY THAT JUST MEANS THAT THERE IS USE OF LESS MEDS AND THE OBJECTIVE IS QUALITY NOT QUANTITY OF EGGS PRODUCED. THEY PREFER S.E.T. (SINGLE EMBRYO TRANSFER) WHICH IS REALLY WHAT WE WAN. WITH TWO TEENS AND BOTH OF US BEING ON THE OLDER SIDE...TWINS WHILE WONDERFUL, ARE SOMETHING WE WOULD LIKE TO AVOID IF AT ALL POSSIBLE. IN MY CASE, WHILE MY FOLLICLE COUNT WAS LOW, (6 ON EACH SIDE) HE SAID IT WAS NOT SO LOW THAT I SHOULD BE IN A PANIC ... HOWEVER, BECAUSE I WILL BE HITTING THAT NOT SO MAGIC NUMBER 35 THIS REALLY IS GONNA BE THE LAST SHOT BEFORE I START HITTING SOME POTENTIAL PROBLEMS. WE STARTED BY HIM ASKING US TO TELL HIM WHAT IT IS WE WANTED SO THAT WE COULD FIGURE OUT TOGETHER HOW TO GET IT. SO, WE DISCUSSED OUR DESIRES AND CAME UP WITH A PLAN. HE SAID THAT BECAUSE MY FOLLICLES WERE NOT THAT BAD AND THAT I HAVE BEEN PREGNANT BEFORE...HE WOULD BE COMFORTABLE WITH SUGGESTING 3 MONTHS OF IUIs FIRST. HE SAID THE CHANCES WERE I WOULD PROBABLY WIND UP DOING IVF ANYWAY. OUR WISHES ARE A LITTLE SPECIFIC SO WE DECIDED TO JUST GO FOR THE IVF OFF THE BAT. HE SAID GIVEN THE TIME FRAME WE ARE USING I NEED TO LOSE AT LEAST 35LBS FIRST. WHICH IS MUCH MORE ATTAINABLE THEN THE NUMBERS I HAVE HEARD BEFORE. SO DIETING AND EXERCISING HAVE BECOME PART OF MY DAILY ROUTINES AS WELL AS PRENATALS. WE ALSO DISCUSSED THE PROTOCOL WE WOULD HAVE AND THEN OFF TO OUR NON FAVORITE PART...THE FINANCIAL CONSULTANT. THEIR PRICES WERE SURPRISINGLY REASONABLE WHEN COMPARED TO THE OTHER PLACES WE LOOKED AT AND LUCKILY MY INSURANCES WILL COVER MOST OF IT. SO WHILE WE ARE LOOKING AT A FEW THOUSAND OUT OF POCKET...IT IS AFFORDABLE. I WON'T GET INTO THE SPECIFICS OF WHAT WE ARE DOING JUST BECAUSE IT MAY CHANGE ALONG THE WAY...BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THINGS ARE MOVING IN A PRETTY GOOD DIRECTION AND WE ARE IN A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW. HERE IS HOPING.

HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

2010-04-02T08:57:00.003-04:00

OFF AND RUNNING ON THIS J*ENN*Y C*RAI*G THING. I STARTED A WEEK AGON AND HAVE LOST 10LBS SO FAR. THE FOOD IS GOOD. I FEEL BETTER AND I HOPE IT KEEP S UP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. THE BLOOD PRESSURE MEDS I AM TAKING NOW ARE HELPING WITH THE HEADACHES SO THATS GOOD TOO. I DO NOT HAVE MUCH TO SAY BUT I AM STILL READING ALL YOUR BLOGS AND ACCOMPANYING YOU ON YOUR JOURNIES WHEREVER THEY MAY TAKE YOU. MINE IS TAKING AN UNUSUALLY LONG SCENIC ROUTE. PERHAPS ONE DAY I WILL REACH MY DESTINATION.

Diagnosis = too fat to get pregnant

2010-03-25T09:28:00.003-04:00

OK, SO NEW DOCTOR, OLD PROBLEM. I AM FAT. REALLY? NO SHIT! I AM MORBIDLY OBESE...YUP, KNEW THAT TOO. I DO NOT NEED A FERTILITY SPECIALIST, PROCEDURES OR MEDS...JUST TO LOSE A LOT OF WEIGHT, AT LEAST ENOUGH TO GET ME FROM OBESE TO OVERWEIGHT...THAT I DID NOT SEE COMING!! I LOVE MY NEW DOCTOR. L-O-V-E HER!! YOU WOULD THINK THAT AFTER BEING TOLD THAT I AM IN NEED OF A SERIOUS FAT ASS OVERHAUL I WOULD BE PISSED. I AM NOT. I ACTUALLY JOINED J*ENNY CR$AIG THE DAY BEFORE MY APPOINTMENT AND WAS ALL READY TO TRY AND LOSE AT LEAST 50 LBS BY AUGUST SO WE CAN GET ME PREGNANT, NOT BECAUSE ANYBODY TOLD ME TO BUT BECAUSE I COULD JUST NOT IMAGINE PUTTING ANYMORE WEIGHT ON MY BODY AND HAVING A HEALTHY PREGNANCY. WELL, 50 IS NOT ENOUGH, SHE SAID I NEED TO LOSE DOUBLE THAT AND TAKE ABOUT A YEAR TO DO IT SO I KEEP IT OFF. I SAID "BUT DOC, I AM OLD AND RUNNING OUT OF EGGS ACCORDING TO MY EX-RE, I DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO TAKE A WHOLE YEAR!!" SHE SAID. "YOU ARE ONLY 33 AND LETS FACE IT, YOU AREN'T GETTING PREGNANT RIGHT NOW ANYWAY, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR EGG RESERVE AND YOU COULD TAKE A YEAR, LOSE THE WEIGHT AND GET KNOCKED UP RIGHT AWAY" SHE ALSO SAID "IF I KNEW THAT YOU COULD LEAVE MY OFFICE AND GET PREGNANT TODAY, I WOULD TELL YOU NOT TO! YOU HAVE A HIGHER RISK OF HAVING A BABY WITH BIRTH DEFECTS, A C-SECTION, HIGH RISK PREGNANCY, DIABETES, STROKE ETC... THAN NOT BEING ABLE TO GET PREGNANT BC OF WAITING A YEAR." SHE IS FUCKING AWESOME!! I SO HOPE THAT I CAN DO THIS AND THAT SHE IS STILL THERE WHEN I GO BACK NEXT YEAR B/C I CAN'T THINK OF ANYONE I WOULD TRUST MORE THAN HER. SO FOR ONCE IN MY 33+ YEAR STRUGGLE WITH WEIGHT...I AM HAPPY SOMEONE TOLD ME TO GET OFF MY FAT ASS AND GET HEALTHY RATHER THAN SUGAR COATING IT WITH HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM AND HOW YOU COULD NEVER TELL HOW BIG I WAS AND SO ON AND SO FORTH. SO FOR THE NEXT YEAR OR TILL I GET THE HELL OUT OF OBESITY CENTRAL I AM GONNA DEVOTE TIME AND EFFORT TO MYSELF FOR A CHANGE. I AM GONNA GET HEALTHY AND PREPARE MYSELF FOR BEING PREGNANT AGAIN. WHILE WE ARE AT IT, WE ARE GONNA FIND A HOUSE WE LOVE AND HELP OUR KIDS GET THROUGH THE EVILS OF FRESHMAN YEAR. TODAY IS MY NEW YEAR. TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE BEST OF MY LIFE.

2009 ...

2009-12-29T11:51:00.003-05:00

AND NOW I AM MOVING FORWARD AND LOOKING FORWARD TO A GREAT 2010. THERE WERE SOME REALLY GOOD MOMENTS BUT IT SEEMED LIKE THEY WERE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN. NOW I AM HOPING THAT THINGS MOVE MORE SMOOTHLY THIS NEW YEAR. THERE IS A LOT ALREADY IN PLACE TO HAPPENING SO IF IT ALL GOES AS PLANNED (I BELIEVE IT WILL I BELIEVE IT WILL ETC...) THEN IT WILL BE AN EXCITING YEAR. I SHOULD BE TYING UP SOME FINANCIAL LOOSE ENDS AND CLEANING UP OUR DEBT, WE ARE LOOKING FOR A HOUSE, WE WILL TRY AGAIN (AND AGAIN AND AGAIN IF NEEDED TO GET ME PREGNANT) I AM GONNA BE OPTIMISTIC AND SAY IT WILL WORK THE VERY NEXT TIME, WE ARE GONNA TAKE A BIG TROPICAL FAMILY VACATION AND MAYBE A FEW ROMANTIC COUPLE ONES, OUR BABIES ARE GONNA BE GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL IN SEPTEMBER...SO MUCH IN PLACE TO HAPPEN. ALL GOOD.

SO 2010, LISTEN UP, YOU ARE GONNA BE A BUSY BUT PRODUCTIVE YEAR, YOU ARE GONNA COOPERATE AND NOT GIVE ME ANY SHIT, YOU ARE GONNA PUT 2009 TO SHAME AND GIVE 2011 A RUN FOR ITS MONEY ON BEST YEAR EVER!! YOU HEAR ME, 2010, TOGETHER WE CAN DO THIS!!! THANK YOU.

SHUFFLING THE CARDS IN THE HAND WE'RE DEALT

2009-12-07T09:31:00.004-05:00

SO LOTS AND LOTS OF STUFF GOING ON, SOME IN MY CONTROL, MOST NOT. MY SISTER BOUGHT A HOUSE IN AND MOVED TO NEW JERSEY YESTERDAY WITH HER FAMILY. I AM HEART BROKEN. MY NEPHEW IS NOW AN HOUR AND A HALF AWAY AND MY SISTER WHO'S HEALTH IS TOUCH AND GO ALL THE TIME IS TOO FAR FROM US ALL IN CASE OF EMERGENCY. I CAN NOT EXPLAIN HOW SAD I AM. I HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT FOR THEM BUT I WISH THEY WOULD HAVE STAYED. I HAVE A BAD FEELING. MY MOTHER HAS TAKEN MY SISTER'S MOVE AS HER CUE TO LEAVE MY DAD AND MOVE TO THEIR HOUSE IN FLORIDA. LEAVING HIM BEHIND HERE. THIS WAS A LONG TIME COMING AND IS NOT A SURPRISE BUT I CAN NOT DESCRIBE HOW SAD THAT MAKES ME AS WELL. DON'T KNOW HOW LONG MY DAD CAN HANG ON TO THE APARTMENT WITHOUT HER HELP. SO WE CONTINUE TO LOOK FOR A HOUSE AND HOPE TO FIND ONE WITH A NICE BASEMENT APARTMENT FOR MY DAD.

ON THE BABY FRONT. I HAVE DECIDED AND DAWN AGREES THAT WE ARE GONNA WAIT A BUT LONGER FOR TRY #2. MY WEIGHT IS OUT OF CONTROL RIGHT NOW AND HONESTLY, EVEN IF I DID GET PREGNANT THE CHANCE OF HAVING A HAPPY OR HEALTHY PREGNANCY AT THIS WEIGHT IS SLIM TO NONE. SO COME JANUARY INSTEAD OF TRYING TO GET PREGNANT I AM GONNA START TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT. I AM CONFIDENT THAT THIS TIME I CAN DO IT AND KEEP IT OFF. SO WE ARE GONNA GO BACK TO OUR ORIGINAL INTENDED MONTH OF CONCEPTION AND TRY AGAIN IN JULY AFTER VACATION. HOPEFULLY BY THEN THE WEIGHT WILL BE OFF AND WE WILL EITHER BE IN OR GETTING READY TO BE IN OUR OWN HOUSE AND THE BOYS WILL BE GETTING READY TO START HIGH SCHOOL. SO I THINK THIS PLAN PUTS ALL OUR DUCKS IN A NICE ROW. LETS SEE IF IT STAYS THAT WAY.

we are swearing off swine...flu

2009-12-01T08:54:00.004-05:00

YOU GUESSED IT...SWINE FLU INVADED OUR HOME FOR THANKSGIVING. IT HIT BOTH OUR BOYS AND AT LEAST HAS BEEN KIND ENOUGH TO PICK UP THE PACE AND MOVE QUICKLY OUT OF OUR HOME. THE BOYS WERE FEELING CRAPPY WEDNESDAY NIGHT BUT LOOKED AND SOUNDED LIKE A COLD. THURSDAY MORNING WOKE UP LOW GRADE FEVERS FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND COUGHS. AFTER DISCUSSING THE SITUATION WITH OUR RESPECTIVE FAMILIES WE WERE CONVINCED BY THEM TO CONTINUE WITH OUR PLANS, COOK OUR FOOD, PACK UP KIDS AND COME ON OVER. AFTER A NIGHT FULL OF FEVERS AND QUICKLY WORSENING FEVERS VERY NEXT DAY BOTH BOYS WENT TO THEIR DOCTOR. DAVID WAS POSITIVE FOR SWINE FLU AND GIVEN TAMIFLU BUT RYAN WAS NEGATIVE AND GIVEN NOTHING. THE DOCTOR SAID HE HAD JUST A COLD BUT NO WORRY THEY DON'T NEED TO BE SEPARATED AS LONG AS THEY ARE NOT COUGHING IN EACH OTHER S FACES. I WAS LEARY OF HIS ADVICE AND READY FOR DAWN TO PACK UP RYAN AND HEAD TO HER MOMS BASEMENT APARTMENT FOR THE DURATION. SHE AGREED WITH DOCTOR AND SHE AND RYAN STAYED HOME. I WAS UP EVERY FEW HOURS TAKING TEMPS AND MEDICATING THE BOYS. RYAN WAS WORSE THAN DAVID DURING THE NIGHT SO I TOLD DAWN SHE SHOULD TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL WHICH SHE DID. HE TESTED POSITIVE FOR STREP AND THE DOCTOR SWORE TO HER THAT SINCE HE TESTED NEGATIVE FOR SWINE THE RESULT WOULD NOT BE DIFFERENT...HE WAS WRONG. RYAN TESTED POSITIVE FOR SWINE AS WELL. DAWN WAS GIVEN A PRESCRIPTION FOR TAMIFLU ONLY BECAUSE SHE KIND OF PRESSURED HIM AND HE TOLD HER AT THIS POINT IT WOULDN'T REALLY HELP SINCE IT HAD BEEN MORE THAN 48HRS SINCE SYMPTOMS BEGAN. WE WERE TOLD TO KEEP THEM HOME FOR ONE WHOLE DAY AFTER THEY HAD BEEN FEVER FREE FOR 24HRS. THE BOYS HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN WITHOUT FEVER SINCE SATURDAY (DAVID) AND SUNDAY (RYAN) BUT THEY ARE STILL HOME WITH COUGHS AND GENERAL BLAHS. THEY ARE GOING BACK TOMORROW. I WILL WHISPER QUIETLY TO YOU ALL SO AS NOT TO JINX US BUT IT LOOKS LIKE DAWN AND I MAY HAVE COME OUT OF THIS UNSCATHED.

SO PIGGIE PIGGIE FLY AWAY WE DON'T WANT YOU TO COME OUR WAY.

HOLY SHIT... THINGS ARE GOING WELL

2009-11-24T08:25:00.003-05:00

BELIEVE IT OR NOT...I AM REALLY HAPPY LATELY. I KNOW...SHOCKER!! THINGS ARE GOING WELL. A HUGE WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED OFF MY SHOULDERS AND WE ARE LOOKING AHEAD TO A BRIGHT AND SOMEWHAT EASIER FUTURE. WE ARE JUST STARTING TO LOOK FOR A HOUSE WHILE PAYING OFF ANY AND ALL DEBT WE HAVE... STARTING FROM A CLEAN SLATE SOUNDS SO GOOD TO ME. OUR BOYS ARE TAKING THEIR CAP AND GOWN PICS TODAY. I CAN NOT BELIEVE THEY ARE GONNA BE GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL NEXT YEAR AND OUR WONDERFULLY SWEET AND SELFLESS KD HAS AGREED TO DONATE HIS SERVICES IN JANUARY AND FROM WHAT HE SAYS WHENEVER WE NEED UNTIL WE HAVE OUR HAPPY ENDING. I LOVE THIS GUY HE IS A SWEETIE. ALSO, A FEW WEEKS AFTER OUR UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT I SAW A RATHER LARGE ARTICLE IN THE PAPER ABOUT REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGISTS AND THEIR FREQUENT TENDENCY TO LABEL A WOMAN AS HAVING NON SPECIFIED PREMATURE OVARIAN FAILURE WITH NO REALLY GOOD REASON. THE ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN BY A FORMER RE AND HIS PARTNER (ALSO AN RE) WHO LEFT THE BUSINESS BECAUSE OF THIS SUDDEN TREND TO PUSH WOMEN INTO IVF. PUTTING WOMEN (OVER THE AGE OF 30) UNDER A SERIES OF INTENSE MEDICAL AND PHARMACEUTICAL TRIALS TO ONLY HAVE THEM STEERED INTO IVF. NOW, MY RE, DR. P, WAS WONDERFUL, BUT IN RETROSPECT, SHE WAS PUSHY ABOUT THE IVF EVEN THOUGH WE TOLD HER WE WERE NOT INTERESTED, SHE SAID EVERYTHING CAME BACK FINE EXCEPT FOR MY OVARIAN RESERVE WHICH WAS LOW...WELL SAID ARTICLE ADDRESSES THE FACT THAT THAT RESERVE DROPS AT 25 FOR ALL WOMEN AND THAT IT DOES NOT MEAN INFERTILITY. SO JUST FOR KICKS, OK, NOT FOR KICKS BUT FOR MY OWN SANITY, I TOOL THE FI*RST RE*SPO*NSE FERTILITY TEST...2 MONTHS IN A ROW...AND LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD IT INDICATED THAT MY RESERVE IS IN THE FERTILE RANGE. ALSO, MY DARLING RE NEVER TOLD ME THAT CLOMID CAN CAUSE NON-STICKING OF PERFECTLY GOOD FERTILIZED EGGS. WELL...NO MORE RE FOR ME. WE ARE GONNA GO NO MEDS NO HELP...JUST ME, MY WIFE AND AN EXTREMELY APPRECIATED DONATION. IT IS WHAT IT IS AND WHAT IT IS IS UP TO US.

THIS ISH IS GETTING F'ING OLD

2009-11-06T08:36:00.003-05:00

BECAUSE APPARENTLY THINGS WERE JUST GOING TOO SMOOTHLY (INSERT EYEROLL HERE) I WAS ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL THE OTHER DAY FOR CHEST PAIN. I HAVE NOT BEEN ADMITTED TO A HOSPITAL SINCE DAVID WAS BORN ALMOST 14 YEARS AGO. IT WAS NOT FUN TO SAY THE LEAST. AFTER HOURS IN THE HOSPITAL ER THEY WERE GONNA LET ME GO BUT DECIDED TO DO ANOTHER EKG JUST IN CASE... AND OF COURSE THAT ONE CAME BACK DIFFERENT THEN THE FIRST...SO THEY KEPT MY ASS WITH THE INTENTION OF DOING AN ECHO AND A STRESS TEST... AFTER A NIGHT OF BLOOD WORK AND EKGS AND VITALS THEY OPTED OUT OF THE ECHO AND STRESS TESTS AND DECIDED TO SEND ME HOME ANYWAY. OF COURSE I ONLY FEEL MARGINALLY BETTER BUT WHAT DO THEY CARE? SO I HOME I WENT AND SPENT THE NEXT TWO DAYS IN BED. I AM BACK AT WORK TODAY AND HAVE A FOLLOW UP WITH MY PRIMARY WHO I CALL DR. DONOTHING. IT SEEMS LIKE SOME DAMN CONSPIRACY OF THE UNIVERSE TO KEEP ME FROM TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. WELL DEAR UNIVERSE, TOO FUCKING BAD, PLANS ARE MOVING FORWARD AND YOU WILL NOT STAND IN MY WAY !!

to be or not to be... depressed

2009-10-26T09:53:00.002-04:00

So I am DEPRESSED. I mean who isn't depressed at one point in their lives or another? Well, it seems that I am depressed at all points of my life lately. I wish I could say it is all because of this crazy last few years of ups and downs in ttc but it isn't. The truth is I have been this way since I was a little girl. The truth is I spend most of my time trying to appear happy when inside I feel the complete opposite. It is extremely tiring to spend all your time pretending. Actually, it is fucking exhausting!! I used to be really good at it, now it appears my slip is showing.

Mental illness runs far and deep in my family and I guess I have known that there is something wrong for what seems like forever, and a few years ago I was officially diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder for you sane people) but if you ask me it is the wrong diagnosis. I went to the psychiatrist once and within the first 20 minutes she suggested meds. Now, I am all for everyone doing what works for them, but I personally do not want to be on medication especially after only talking to this woman for 20 minutes. It was right after my son really started having a hard time with his Tourettes, I found myself always crying when he wasn't looking because I could not make it better for him and I did not want him to see me upset about it... to me that sounds like normal mother/child response but then I am not a pill pushing doctor.

That being said... I think I need to talk to someone and my ENTIRE family agrees. I just don't know how all this is going to affect our ttc plans. I think I am most afraid of someone telling me that the things/people that I want/need most in my life are my biggest problems. What to do what to do? I don't really want to do anything. It seems that I am really good at helping people with their problems and feelings... but what about mine? I can't talk about or deal with my own.

WHY NOW?... So, I had a bit of a breakdown the other day and now everyone is looking at me with the side eye like I am gonna find the highest building and take a walk off it... but that isn't the case and frankly I find it annoying that everybody worries when I "don't act like myself" but never during their everyday lives do they consider that like everyone else I am not ok and maybe they should stop talking about their problems for long enough to ask me and genuinely give a fuck about mine. Now everybody is all concerned and upset but maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't have gotten to this point if they had taken a minute to ask before. Then again probably not, they all point fingers at each other for me feeling this way. They all tell me not to worry so much about the others and not to let them weigh me down with all their crap etc... but every single one of those people is a taker. They are the ones who take from me all the time leaving me with nothing in return except worry... lots and lots of worry. Quite frankly I am kinda over it and at this moment the thing that worries me the most is not that underneath the facade of happiness I am depressed but that underneath the depression secretly I don't give a fuck anymore. So what is worse?

a Happy Birthday

2009-10-08T14:43:00.003-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING WIFE!! IT IS MOMENTS LIKE THIS WHEN CELEBRATING SOMEONE I LOVE SO MUCH THAT I CAN REMEMBER TO BE THANKFUL FOR THE THINGS THAT I DO HAVE AND NOT FOCUS ON THE THINGS THAT I DON'T. IN HER I HAVE AN AMAZING WIFE WHO IS MY BEST FRIEND, MY BIGGEST SUPPORTER, MY SHOULDER TO CRY ON, MY WALL TO BOUNCE OFF OF, A GREAT MOTHER TO OUR SONS AND THE BEST PERSON FOR ME. WE ARE SO DIFFERENT YET FIT SO PERFECTLY TOGETHER. SHE GETS ME EVEN WHEN I DON'T GET MYSELF. WE FIGHT LIKE ALL OTHER COUPLES AND GOD KNOWS PROBABLY UNLIKE OTHER COUPLES AS WELL BUT IN THE END IT IS OK BECAUSE IT IS NOT WITH EACH OTHER AS MUCH AS FOR EACH OTHER THAT WE DO SO. I LOVE HER WITH ALL OF MY BEING AND AM GRATEFUL EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR HER, EVEN THE DAYS WE WANT TO KILL EACH OTHER.. LOL. SHE HAS MY HEART FOREVER AND IF I AM LUCKY, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE HERS. SO TO MY BEAUTIFUL DAWN, I LOVE YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND THANK YOU.

THE GREEN EYED MONSTER

2009-10-01T08:34:00.006-04:00

AS YOU CAN SEE I AM NOT PLAYING NICE. I AM FINDING THAT WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR LATELY THE EYES THAT STARE BACK AT ME ARE NOT MY DARK BROWN DOE EYES BUT THES GLARING GREEN EYES OF A MONSTER THAT QUITE FRANKLY SCARES THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF ME. I AM BY NATURE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WANTS EVER SO MUCH TO HOLD ON TO MY CHILDLIKE IDEA THAT THERE IS GOOD IN EVERYONE AND THAT THERE IS HUMANITY LEFT IN THE HUMAN RACE. I ALWAYS WISH FOR THE BEST FOR OTHERS EVEN IF THAT SOMEHOW DOESN'T VIBE WITH WHAT WORKS FOR ME. I LISTEN TO OTHERS WHENEVER THEY WANT TO TALK EVEN IF AT THE MOMENT I AM DEALING WITH MY OWN PROBLEMS. I TRY TO BE A GOOD FRIEND AND I PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING THE BEST MOTHER AND WIFE. I WOULD DIE FOR MY LOVED ONES AND AM LOYAL TO A FAULT. SO WHY IS THE PERSON LOOKING BACK AT ME SOMEONE I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH? THIS WHOLE FEELING OF FAILURE HAS LEFT A BITTER TASTE IN MY MOUTH AND A GREEN TINT IN MY EYES. I READ ALOT OF BLOGS AND THOUGH I DON'T COMMENT ON THEM ALL I AM ALWAYS ROOTING FOR EVERYONE, LAUGHING, CRYING, YELLING ALONG SIDE THEM. NOW I FIND MYSELF FEELING JEALOUS OF THEIR SUCCESSES AND COMFORTED BY THE FACT THAT I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DID NOT SUCCEED. I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON. ONE OF MY OLDEST FRIENDS WIL BE CALLING ME THIS MORNING TO TELL ME IF SHE IS PREGNANT. SHE HAS A 12 YEAR OLD AND A 1 1/2 YR OLD AND A MONTH AGO WAS TELLING ME SHE HATES HER HUSBAND AND THEY WERE THINKNING ABOUT DIVORCE. SHE TOLD ME SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT AS I WAS FINDING OUT THAT I WAS NOT. SHE KNEW ALL THE DRAMA WE HAD BEEN GOING THROUGH AND WE WERE GONNA BE TRYING THOUGH SHE DIDN'T KNOW THE DETAILS - SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS NOT HAPPY AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ... I TOLD HER WOW AND GOOD LUCK. LAME ASS LINE RIGHT? I KNOW AND I FELT LIKE AN ASSHOLE FOR SAYING IT BUT WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE SAID?? THEN YESTERDAY SHE TOLD ME SHE WOULD BE SAD IF SHE ISN'T. I WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR HER BUT I AM FINDING IT DIFFICULT. SO I AM JUST WISHING FOR HER WHATEVER IS BEST FOR HER. I WILL DEAL WITH MY OWN SHIT AS I GO ALONG AND JUST TRY MY BEST TO BE SUPPORTIVE. IN THE MEANTIME I AM GONNA TRY TO JUST STAY POSITIVE AND WAIT PATIENTLY FOR OUR TURN... AND I AM GONNA WISH EVERYBODY LUCK, POSITIVE THOUGHTS, LOTS OF STICKY BABY DUST AND SEND ALL MY LOVE AND APOLOGIES FOR NOT ALWAYS BEING AS SUPPORTIVE AS I SHOULD BE.

alone in a crowd

2009-09-23T12:05:00.007-04:00

So here we are in a state of suspended animation, once again. As is stands I am still an emotional freaking wreck. I was not prepared for all these feelings and I do not think I am handling it very well. I go back and forth between crying and railing at the universe for being unfair and thinking that when it is meant to be it will happen. My wife believes in fate... so do I ... to an extent. I believe that their is a plan for all of us but that like a choose your own adventure book, there are many variations to that plan, and our choices are what ultimately determine which adventure we take on and what ending we come to. I read alot of other blogs and I do not envy those women who have been on the ttc road for what seems like forever. I do admire their strength and determination. However, I do not think my path leads me to such a long journey. We have two beautiful boys and while we want nothing more than to have a child together, we cannot dedicate as long a time to ttc as we would like. That is not our journey. I want to write out a list of all the reasons why we are gonna wait a few more months to try again, why we won't do IVF and why we won't go past my 35th birthday trying but somehow I feel like doing that would take away from everyone else's journey. I feel like placing limits on our ttc so early on diminishes our desire to have a baby in the eyes of others, like we don't make the cut to be part of the group. I have always gone against the grain and been sort of a loner but somehow I thought I would find comfort in blogland instead I feel unworthy and alone. There are so many different situations out there that I read about and yet I find none like ours. Our reasons may not be yours, our decisions may not sound reasonable to you, but they are ours and we own them. To us they are important and a vital part of our adventure. So I will go back to charting and using my OPKs and then we will try again in January/February if all goes well but for now it is time to gather our thoughts and regroup. We have chosen our own adventure just as you have chosen yours but hopefully the end of the story will be the same for all of us even though we have taken different paths.. happy healthy babies.

the end of the first try

2009-09-19T08:52:00.003-04:00

SO THIS MONTH'S TRY IS OFFICIALLY OVER. I WON'T EVEN TELL YOU HOW MANY HPTs WE TOOK BECAUSE IT IS JUST INSANE... BUT THEY WERE ALL NEGATIVE, NO FAINT LINES NO GLIMMER OF HOPE... NADA. IF YOU WOULD HAVE HAD ME BET MONEY I WOULD HAVE BET THAT I WAS PREGNANT EVEN THOUGH THE TESTS SAID NO. MY BODY FELT LIKE IT WAS PREGNANT BUT MAYBE IT WAS JUST A FUCKED UP MIX OF HOPE AND THE CLOMID. ANYWAY... I HAD A FEW SPOTS THURSDAY AND FRIDAY WHICH I WAS CHALKING UP TO IMPLANTATION BLEEDING BECAUSE I DO NOT SPOT BEFORE MY PERIOD. THIS MORNING AFTER THE UMPTEENTH HPT I HAD A FEW MORE SPOTS AND THEN ABOUT AN HOUR LATER I PASSED WHAT LOOKED LIKE A SMALL CLOT AND STARTED CRAMPING. I DO BELIEVE THE FAT LADY HAS SUNG AND IT IS OVER. I WAS FEELING KIND OF NUMB, JUST SITTING HERE BY MYSELF... DAWN IS ASLEEP AND SO ARE THE KIDS. BUT NOW AS I TYPE THIS THE TEARS ARE FALLING FREELY AND I CAN SAY THAT I AM TRULY HEARTBROKEN. I KNOW IT SOUNDS SO STUPID CONSIDERING IT WAS ONLY OUR FIRST OFFICIAL TRY AND WELL HELL, EVEN WITH THE CLOMID I ONLY HAVE A 15% CHANCE ANYWAY, BUT I DON'T CARE, MY FUCKING HEART IS BREAKING AND I FEEL LIKE I JUST CAN'T EVEN BREATHE LET ALONE BE RATIONAL ABOUT ALL THIS. I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I CAN LOOK DAWN IN THE FACE. I FEEL LIKE I LET HER DOWN. I KNOW SHE IS GONNA READ THIS AND BE PISSED AT ME FOR SAYING THAT BUT IT IS HOW I FEEL. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE GONNA DO NOW OR WHEN WE ARE GONNA TRY AGAIN BUT I KNOW THAT AT THIS VERY MOMENT I CAN ONLY THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH I AM HURTING RIGHT NOW.

AND SO NOW WE WAIT

2009-09-08T08:25:00.005-04:00

OK SO I WASN'T GONNA POST BUT I THINK IF I DON'T GET SOME OF THIS INSANITY OUT I MAY BURST. SO WE DID OUR 1ST AND TURNS OUT ONLY AT HOME ICI ON FRIDAY. WE OPTED OUT OF SATURDAY. SO NOW WE ARE WAITING.... IMPATIENTLY. DAWN SEEMS TO BE MORE IMPATIENT TO KNOW THEN I AM BUT THEN AGAIN SHE IS THE KIND OF PERSON THAT OPENED HER CHRISTMAS GIFTS EARLY AND THEN RETAPED THEM SO NOBODY KNEW. I WISH I COULD TELL HER ONE WAY OR THE OTHER BUT I AM AS IN THE DARK AS SHE IS. I JUST HOPE THAT WHAT EVER HAPPENS FROM HERE ON IN WE ALL KEEP IT TOGETHER. I THINK FOR ME THIS SEEMS SURREAL. I AM NOT SURE WHY. MAYBE I AM AFRAID TO GET MY HOPES UP MAYBE I AM JUST AFRAID... BUT I FEEL A LITTLE NUMB. LIKE IT IS HAPPENING TO SOMEBODY ELSE. I GUESS WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING FOR SOOOO LONG, WHEN YOU FINALLY HAVE IT RIGHT WITHIN YOUR GRASP YOU HESITATE TO TAKE IT FOR FEAR THAT SOMEONE WILL SNATCH IT AWAY. THAT IS AS CLOSE AS AS EXPLANATION AS I CAN GET. I THINK WE ARE TESTING ON THE 15TH... I KNOW, NOT QUITE THE FULL 2 WEEKS BUT LIKE I SAID PATIENCE IS NOT ONE OF MY DARLING WIFE'S VIRTUES. LOL. IN THE MEANTIME FINGERS CROSSED AND LOTS AND LOTS OF SUPER STICKY BABYDUST OUR WAY.

and away we go

2009-08-25T11:19:00.003-04:00

TODAY IS MY FIRST DAY OF CLOMID - DIRECTIONS WERE SIMPLE, PLACE PILL IN HANE, PUT PILL DOWN, PLACE PILL IN HAND, PUT PILL DOWN, REPEAT ABOUT 5 MORE TIMES THEN SWALLOW PILL WITH A GLASS OF WATER, CONTINUE TO DO THIS FOR 4 MORE DAYS, HOLD BREATHE, WAIT SEVERAL DAYS, GET KD CONTRIBUTION, ATTEMPT AT TO GET PG, NEXT DAY REPEAT, THEN HOLD BREATH FOR TWO WEEKS AND ONE WAY OR ANOTHER CRY. SOUNDS SIMPLE ENOUGH. (EYEROLL) SO HERE WE GO, FOR REAL THIS TIME, I AM ALL KINDS OF NERVOUS, SCARED, EXCITED ETC... I WILL SEE ABOUT POSTING DURING THIS TIME BUT IF I AM TOO F**KED UP IN THE HEAD THEN I WON'T UNTIL THE 1ST POAS. OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a mixed bag of OMGWTF!?!?

2009-08-14T12:39:00.002-04:00

Not too much to say except - we are down to the wire - we are trying in September, Clomid 50mg at 5 days, at home and with a KD (fingers crossed fingers crossed) I know it is completely away from what we were gonna do but this is the way it is gonna go... at least this time around. Hopefully it will be the only time we have to try. In the meantime we are just gonna try to rely on our charting, timing, Clomid, KD swimmers and good old fashioned luck for this one. We will see how it goes and then go from there.

back from Alaska

2009-07-21T09:55:00.003-04:00

WE JUST GOT BACK FROM OUR R FAMILY ALASKA CRUISE AND IT WAS AMAZING - IT WAS SURREAL! IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL THAT IT FELT LIKE IT WAS HAPPENING OUT OF BODY. WE HAD A GREAT TIME AND THE KIDS HAD A BLAST. MOST OF ALL IT SO GOOD TO BE SURROUNDED BY SO MANY OTHER LGBT FAMILIES. SO NOW WE ARE BACK TO THE BABY PATH. WE SHOULD BE OFFICIALLY TRYING SEPTEMBER. SO HERE IS TO GOING FORWARD AS PLANNED AND HAVING A HEALTHY BABY TO TAKE WITH US NEXT YEAR ON THE RFAMILY CLUB MED TRIP.

Another year ...

2009-06-25T11:48:00.003-04:00

TODAY IS OUR ANNIVERSARY. 5 YEARS AGO TODAY WE HAD OUR COMMITMENT CEREMONY. WE HAD A MINISTER, WE SAID OUR VOWS, WE PROMISED EACHOTHER LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP. WE MAY NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO LEGALLY MARRY BUT NO ONE CAN TELL US THAT WE ARE NOT. MAYBE ONE DAY, HOPEFULLY SOON, OUR STATE WILL LET US GET MARRIED. MAYBE NOT. WHILE THIS WOULD CHANGE ALOT OF LEGAL THINGS, IT WOULD NOT CHANGE HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER. SHE IS MY WIFE AND I AM HERS AND TODAY WE CELEBRATE 5 YEARS OF MARRIAGE.

DAWN, I LOVE YOU. 10 YEARS AGO, 5 YEARS AGO, TODAY AND FOREVER I AM YOURS.

a long but beautiful journey... hand in hand

2009-06-16T14:19:00.005-04:00

SO EVEN WITH ALL OF OUR (MOSTLY MY) WORRIES, WE ARE GONNA KEEP OUR RE APPOINTMENT ON THE 29TH AND TALK TO HER AND REVIEW OUR OPTIONS AND OUR CHANCES (REALISTICALLY) AND THEN GO HOME AND TALK. I THINK IT HAS JUST BEEN A VERY LONG AND BUMPY ROAD SO FAR AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE HAVE REALLY BEEN ABLE TO GET BACK TO BUSINESS AND FOCUS ON JUST OUR TTC JOURNEY. SO WE WILL... BUT THE ROAD LOOKS A LOT MORE PLEASANT TODAY.

ON A SEPARATE NOTE... I CAN NOT WAIT UNTIL JULY FOR OUR R FAMILY ALASKA CRUISE WITH OUR BEAUTIFUL BOYS. WE CAN ALL USE A VACATION.

what goes up must come down

2009-06-08T10:36:00.002-04:00

WELL, THE RESULTS ARE IN AND I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE ALL CLEAR TO GO AHEAD WITHOUT A FOLLOW UP CT (BY CHOICE) FOR A WHOLE YEAR. THIS IS GOOD NEWS...RIGHT??? I AM FACED WITH THE SUDDEN REALIZATION THAT NOW THAT I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO WORRY ABOUT HEALTHWISE, I AM PLAGUED WITH ALL KINDS OF DOUBTS ABOUT OUR TTC PLANS. SUCKY TIMING, SUCKY FEELINGS, SUCKY ME.

WAITING TO EXHALE

2009-06-03T08:30:00.003-04:00

OK, I WAS APPROVED MY FIRST FOLLOW UP CT SCAN AND IT IS TODAY AT 5:30. I AM GONNA HAVE TO HOLD MY BREATHE UNTIL NEXT WEEK FOR THE RESULTS. IF IT COMES BACK BAD THEN NO BABY MAKING UNTIL THE SITUATION IS TAKEN CARE OF... WHATEVER THE SITUATION MAY BE. IF IT COMES BACK FINE, WE HAVE TO CONSCIOUSLY DECIDE THAT WE ARE GONNA PUT OFF ALL MY FOLLOW UP CT SCANS UNTIL, WE HAVE DELIVERED A HEALTHY BABY OR STOPPED TTC. EITHER WAY IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE THIS TEST IS GONNA RESOLVE ANYTHING AS MUCH AS MAKE THINGS WORSE IN A WAY. THE DOCTOR RECOMMENDS FOLLOW UP CT SCANS FOR 2 YEARS, HAVING ONE DONE EVERY 3 MONTHS. LET'S SAY IT TAKES US THREE MONTHS TO GET PREGNANT AND 9 MONTHS TO DELIVER, I HAVE TO DECIDE TO FOREGO FOLLOW UP FOR A WHOLE YEAR WITH NO GUARANTEE THAT THE THYMUS WON'T "GO BAD" - IT SEEMS O EASY FOR ME TO SAY, NO PROBLEM, BUT I ALREADY HAVE TO KIDS AND A WHOLE FAMILY TO THINK ABOUT. WHAT IF I MAKE THE WRONG DECISION AND PUT MYSELF AND OUR FUTURE BABY IN DANGER?!?! WHAT IF WE HOLD OFF ONCE AGAIN AND WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, I AM FINE BUT COMPLETELY INFERTILE (REMEMBER I AM RUNNING ON ALMOST EMPTY IN THE EGG DEPARTMENT) - SO MANY DECISIONS SO LITTLE TIME. I REMEMBER WHEN BEING 32 DIDN'T SEEM SO OLD, ONE FREAKING MIS EXAM AND THAT WAS ALL SHOT TO HELL AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I AM 90.

I AM SO TIRED OF ALL THE "IT WILL ALL BE OKs" AND THE "I AM PRAYING FOR YOUs" AND THE "HANG IN THEREs"... THEY ARE NICE, AND REAL SWEET AND DON'T DO A FUCKING THING TO MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER, NO MATTER HOW MUCH THE PEOPLE SAYING IT LOVE ME. IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL LIKE ANYTHING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT. I AM SICK ABOUT ALL OF THIS. TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND SEEM LIKE I AM FINE IS FUCKING BULLSHIT AND DRIVING ME CRAZIER.

BUT HERE I GO, INHALE DEEP, HOLD BREATHE, HOPE FOR THE BEST, AND FACE THE WORLD WITH A PLASTERED ON SMILE... AT LEAST UNTIL NEXT WEEK. SO TELL ME YOU ARE PRAYING FOR ME AND THAT I SHOULD HANG IN THERE BECAUSE THINGS WILL BE OK, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I DON'T THINK IT HELPS, MAYBE IF YOU ALL DO, IT WILL. I DON'T LIKE TO ASK FOR HELP... BUT I NEED IT.

PUTTING UP A REWARD POSTER

2009-05-20T12:26:00.002-04:00

I CAN NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME KEEP MY THOUGHTS IN ONE DIRECTION. I AM SO SCARED OF EVERYTHING LATELY. I AM MY OWN DEVILS ADVOCATE. EVERY TIME I HAVE A GOOD THOUGHT THE OTHER ME COMES UP WITH A BAD ONE TO COUNTER (OR 2 OR 3) I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE ABOUT WHAT IS TO COME BUT IT IS REALLY HARD TO DO. I AM WAITING FOR MY CHEST CT APPOINTMENT TO BE SCHEDULED. I KNOW THAT I REALLY SHOULDN'T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING UNTIL AFTER THAT BECAUSE REALLY, THAT IS GONNA BE THE JUMPING OFF POINT FOR WHETHER OR NOT WE CAN GO FORWARD WITH THE TTC OR HAVE TO WAIT (YET AGAIN) FOR ANOTHER 3 MONTH SCAN. I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT EVERYTHING. IT CONSUMES MY DAYS AND IT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT. IT IS SOMETHING THAT I STRUGGLE WITH EVERY DAY. IT IS NOT JUST THE TTC STUFF OR THE CT STUFF THAT HAS ME FEELING CRAZY, IT IS EVERY THING. I AM ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING. I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE ARE SO MANY LOOSE ENDS THAT NEED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF. I AM BY NO MEANS A CONTROL FREAK, BUT I FEEL LIKE EVERY SINGLE THING AROUND ME IS OUT OF MY CONTROL... EVEN MY THOUGHTS. I AM JUST TRYING TO GET BY AND ENJOY AS MANY MOMENTS AS I CAN. BUT I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I AM WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP. MAYBE I AM. MAYBE SOME WHERE INSIDE OF ME THERE (NOT SO HIDDEN) THERE IS A PART OF ME THAT EXPECTS THE WORSE BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL TRULY WORTHY OF HAPPINESS. I KNOW THERAPY SOUNDS LIKE AN OPTION, AND IT IS ONE I HAVE TRIED (VERY BRIEFLY) AND CONSIDERED TYING AGAIN, BUT HONESTLY, I DON'T THINK IT IS SOMETHING I CAN REALLY DO WELL WITH. I AM NICE AND OPEN ON HERE AND WRITING ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, BUT ASK MY WIFE AND SHE WILL TELL YOU, I DO NOT LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS, IT HURTS TOO MUCH. IT IS LIKE OPENING UP A POORLY HEALED WOUND THAT WILL ONLY TAKE THAT MUCH LONGER TO HEAL AND IN THE END WILL JUST SCAR WORSE. THERE IS NO DETACHMENT IN TALKING. I CAN'T SPEAK OF MY FEELINGS IN A WAY THAT ALLOWS ME TO REMOVE MYSELF FROM THEM. I KNOW THAT IS THE POINT OF THERAPY AND THAT IS WHY IT HELPS IN THE END AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BUT JUST CAN'T DO IT. ALTHOUGH READING BACK WHAT I JUST WROTE I CAN TOTALLY SEE THAT I NEED IT. LOL.

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE... WE ARE GOING TO FAMILY CAMP THIS WEEKEND. I CAN'T WAIT. I LOVE GOING THERE AND I LOVE GETTING AWAY WITH DAWN AND THE BOYS. AS AN ADDED BONUS, I RECENTLY RECONNECTED WITH MY CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND AND SHE AND HER HUSBAND AND KIDS ARE COMING WITH US. I MISSED HER SO MUCH AND I AM GLAD THAT WE ARE GETTING A SECOND CHANCE. THERE WERE SO MANY TIMES OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS I NEEDED HER. OH LORD, NOW I AM CRYING, I GUESS MY DETACH BUTTON IS NOT WORKING SO WELL TODAY. ANYWAY, HERE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO AN AWESOME WEEKEND. HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY YOURS.

looking for a little hope when feeling a little hopeless

2009-05-08T12:00:00.004-04:00

THIS WAS ME YESTERDAY...ACTUALLY, THIS IS ME MOST DAYS. I FEEL SO NEGATIVE ABOUT HOW THINGS WILL TURN OUT. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO HOPE. LIKE I AM JUST GONNA GO THROUGH WITH THIS TO FIND OUT WHAT I ALREADY KNOW... I AM GONNA FAIL. WHAT A SHITTY FUCKING ATTITUDE TO HAVE... I KNOW IT, I BELIEVE IT AND YET I CAN'T HELP IT. THEN THERE ARE THOSE DAYS WHEN I CAN ALMOST FEEL OUR BABY IN MY ARMS (OF COURSE IT IS A GIRL IN THIS SCENARIO BECAUSE WE ALREADY HAVE 2 BOYS AND I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE ANOTHER BOY ALTHOUGH I KNOW IT WOULDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE) THAT'S HOW SURE I AM THAT WE WILL SUCCEED. HOW IS IT THAT I CAN FEEL THIS WAY WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING GIVEN IT A TRY. IT IS THIS WHOLE DAMN EGG COUNT THING THAT HAS ME SO FUCKING CRAZY!! I SWEAR TO GOD I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING DIED IN ME WHEN SHE TOLD ME HOW LOW MY OVARIAN RESERVE WAS... AND I CAN ALMOST HEAR THEM DISAPPEARING INTO THIN AIR AS WE SPEAK. THE SECONDS ON THE OLD BIOLOGICAL CLOCK TICKING SO LOUDLY IN MY HEAD THAT MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE IT WILL EXPLODE. HOW DO I SAY ALL THIS WITHOUT SOUNDING CRAZY??? THEN AGAIN, WHO CARES IF I SOUND CRAZY... I FEEL CRAZY. I FEEL LIKE THE MORE I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT THE MORE I DO. THE MORE I TRY TO GIVE MYSELF THE OLD " WHAT HAPPENS HAPPENS AND IT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING" PEP TALK THE MORE I CALL BULLSHIT ON ALL THAT WHATEVER WILL BE WILL BE ATTITUDE. DAWN TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT I HAVE ALREADY SET MYSELF UP FOR FAILURE AND THAT STRESS WILL ONLY BE A BAD THING FOR TTC... AND (NO OFFENSE MY LOVE) BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...I KNOW ALL OF THIS AND IF I COULD I WOULD STOP BUT I CAN'T!! I HAVE NEVER FELT SO COMPLETELY POWERLESS AND OUT OF CONTROL IN MY LIFE. THE WORSE PART IS WE HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED INSEMINATION YET. WE ARE PUSHED TO AUGUST (IF I GET THE CLEARANCE FROM THE PULMONOLOGIST TO SKIP MY CTs) BECAUSE OF MY CYCLES. WHAT HAPPENS THEN? WE AGREED TO ONLY A FEW MONTHS OF TRYING. I FEEL LIKE HOW CAN I NOT FEEL LIKE I WILL FAIL HER? FAIL US? WE HAVE SO MUCH AGAINST US. IT IS LIKE THE CARDS WERE ALREADY DEALT AND YET HERE WE ARE STILL WAITING FOR A CHANCE TO SIT AT THE TABLE. HOW CAN I FEEL POSITIVE AND HOPEFUL WHEN I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I FAILED?

AND AFTER ALL THIS AND LOTS OF TEARS AND MY TELLING HER THAT I NEED HOPE ...WE GET OUT OF THE CAR AND ON THE FLOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WET SIDEWALK AND UNDER MY FOOT IS RIBBON... BLUE AND PURPLE TIED TOGETHER INTERTWINED. BLUE AND PURPLE... OUR WEDDING COLORS. DAWN SAYS IT IS A SIGN. I SECRETLY PRAY IT IS. HOURS LATER WE GET HOME AND I AM STILL BUMMED AND TALKING ABOUT FEELING HOPELESS AND OPENING MY JUNK MAIL (INSTEAD OF JUST TOSSING IT) THAT HAS BEEN SITTING ON THE COUCH FOR ABOUT A WEEK OR SO... AND IN AN ENVELOPE AMONG RANDOM ADVERTISEMENTS IS ONE FOR A LITTLE GIRL FAIRY STATUE... NAMED HOPE. DAWN SAYS IT IS A SIGN. I AM PRETTY SURE IT WAS. SO TODAY IS A LITTLE BETTER.... BUT LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE... WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING.

BTW - CHECK THE COLORS OF THE PIC ABOVE...

A NON TTC POST

2009-04-29T14:40:00.003-04:00

IT WAS OUR BOYS' CONFIRMATION THIS PAST SATURDAY. I JUST WANT TO SAY HOW PROUD OF THEM WE ARE AND HOW MUCH WE LOVE THEM. RYAN (ON THE LEFT) AND DAVID (ON THE RIGHT) ARE THE MOST AMAZING CHILDREN EVER. I KNOW WE ALL SAY THAT ABOUT OUR KIDS BUT I REALLY PRIDE MYSELF ON THE FACT THAT WHEN THEY ARE BEING ASSES I CALL THEM ON IT. THESE KIDS ARE REALLY GOOD KIDS. I LOVE THEM BOTH DEARLY AND MOST OF THE TIME WE WOULDN'T TRADE THEM IN FOR ANYTHING...LOL. SERIOUSLY, THEY ARE THE REASON THAT EVEN THOUGH WE WANT ANOTHER BABY, OUR FAMILY IS ALREADY FILLED WITH AN ABUNDANCE OF BLESSINGS AND WE ARE COMPLETE. (however, don't get me wrong, we really, really, really want to add a baby to the mix and ok, I am sorry, but you know I had to sneak something about TTC in there, it IS a TTC blog)

A RAY OF HOPE

2009-04-15T15:23:00.003-04:00

I HAD THE HSG THE OTHER DAY AND LEFT ME FIRST SAY THIS... HOLY FUCKING CRAP THAT SHIT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!! OK, NOW THAT HAVING BEEN SAID. THE DOCTOR WHO DID IT SAID ALL LOOKED GOOD. THAT IS THE FIRST STRAIGHT UP GOOD THING I HAVE HEARD SO FAR. THIS WHOLE EXPERIENCE THUS FAR HAS BEEN ONE SHITTY THING AFTER THE OTHER BUT NOW THERE IS HOPE. IS IT BEYOND STUPID OF ME TO HOLD ONTO A GOOD LOOKING UTERUS AND A FINE PAIR OF FALLOPIAN TUBES AS OMENS OF GOOD THINGS TO COME CONSIDERING THE LOW EGG THING? WELL, SCREW IT, I WILL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET LATELY.

OF COURSE THE FINAL STEPS TO THIS EPIPHANY WERE ROUGH ONES. AS I BELIEVE I SAID EARLIER THERE WAS A HUGE LAPSE OF COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE RE'S OFFICE, THE HSG OFFICE AND MY INSURANCE. DAWN AND I LEFT OUR HOUSE EARLY ENOUGH TO ENSURE A VISIT TO THE RE'S OFFICE BEFORE MY APPOINTMENT ON THE 9TH FLOOR. WE GET THERE AND THE BILLING LADY TELLS ME WITHOUT FLINCHING THAT I DO NOT NEED A REFERRAL AT ALL BECAUSE I REGISTERED WITH MY INSURANCE'S INFERTILITY HOTLINE. I EXPLAIN TO HER AGAIN, ALMOST IN TEARS FROM FRUSTRATION AND ANGER THAT I WOULD REALLY LIKE FOR HER TO DOUBLE CHECK AND TALK TO THEM UPSTAIRS BECAUSE THE GIRL WAS REAL NASTY TO ME AND MY INSURANCE GAVE ME COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INFORMATION. SO DAWN AND I GO SIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT FOR WHAT SEEMS LIKE A FREAKING ETERNITY. WE SEE HER COME OUT AND THE LOOK ON HER FACE WAS LIKE A BULLET THROUGH THE HEART TO ME. HOWEVER, THE LOOK WAS THANKS TO THE STUPID BITCH ON THE 9TH FLOOR. APPARENTLY THE BILLING LADY WAS ABLE TO CONFIRM THROUGH THE INFERTILITY LINE THAT SHE WAS RIGHT, I DID NOT NEED A REFERRAL AT ALL, SHE THEN CALLED THE BIOTCH UPSTAIRS TO EXPLAIN AND HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCE I DID. IT WAS SO BAD SHE HUNG UP ON THE 9TH FLOOR BITCH. THEN SHE TELLS ME THAT WHILE SHE WAS TRYING TO VERIFY WITH MY REGULAR INSURANCE SHE WAS TOLD THAT AS OF 1/09 I AM NO LONGER COVERED FOR IUIs - ONLY BASIC TESTING. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BELIEVE IT OR NOT I CHOKED BACK THE HORROR OF THAT STATEMENT AND DECIDED TO KEEP ON DOING WHAT I COULD DO WHICH WAS TAKE MY ASS UPSTAIRS TO MY HSG APPT AND WORRY ABOUT THE INSURANCE THING LATER.

THE BITCH UPSTAIRS HAD MAJOR ATTITUDE AND WAS KIND ENOUGH TO TELL ME AGAIN THAT MY INSURANCE SAID I NEED A REFERRAL AND IF I HAD TO PAY BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T COVER IT - IT WASN'T HER FAULT BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME. WE WAITED AWHILE AND IT SUCKED. I WAS REALLY SCARED AND JUST WANTED TO TURN TAIL AND RUN. AFTER WELL PAST MY APPOINTMENT TIME THEY CAME TO GET ME. A YOUNG GIRL WHO HAD BEEN STANDING WITH THE BITCH WHEN I CAME IN CAME TO GET ME AND TOOK ME TO THE CHANGING ROOM. NOW... I AM A BIG GIRL AND OF COURSE THOSE STUPID GOWNS DON'T EVEN CLOSE ON ME AND RIDE UP TO BOOT SO SHE COME S TO GET ME AND I AM TRYING MY BEST TO COVER MY GOODS WHEN I ASK HER IF I CAN HAVE ANOTHER GOWN TO COVER MYSELF WHILE I WALK TO THE ROOM, SHE LOOKS ME UP AND DOWN AND SAYS, "OH, WE ARE GONNA SEE IT ANYWAY" AND BEFORE I CAN EVEN BLINK SHE HAS SHUFFLED ME OFF TO THE ROOM. I GOT UP ON THE TABLE, ASSUMED THE POSITION AND HELD MY BREATHE. THE TEST WAS PAINFUL AND I FELT A LITTLE HUMILIATED AND I CRIED, CORRECTION, SOBBED SILENTLY. BUT THROUGH THE TEARS I HEARD THE WORDS THAT MADE IT ALL WORTHWHILE... "EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD."

IT TOOK ME A COUPLE OF DAYS TO FEEL BETTER. ALOT OF CRAMPING AND BLEEDING AND BLOATING. BUT IT WAS ALL GOOD IN THE END. TO TOP IT OFF I CALLED MY INSURANCE MONDAY MORNING AND WAS TOLD THAT I AM INDEED STILL COVERED FOR UNLIMITED IUIs - SO LET'S KEEP THE GOOD NEWS COMING... I GOTTA SCHEDULE MY 2ND CHEST CT FOR NEXT MONTH.

IN THE MEANTIME, DAWN AND I ARE FOCUSING ON GETTING OUR BOYS READY FOR THEIR CONFIRMATION THIS MONTH SO WE ARE KEEPING VERY BUSY... THANK GOD!!

WANTED

2009-04-09T15:45:00.002-04:00

FOUR LEAF CLOVERS, KNOCK ON WOOD, SALT OVER SHOULDER ETC... I NEED ALL OF IT. TOMORROW IS THE HSG - I HOPE. I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT IT SO I NEED ALL THE LUCK AND GOOD VIBES I CAN GET. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT FOR ONCE IN THE LAST I-DON'T-EVEN-KNOW-HOW-LONG I GO TO THE DOCTOR AND DON'T COME OUT FEELING LIKE MY HEART IS TORN IN PIECES?!?!

changing my name to Murphy

2009-04-08T09:57:00.004-04:00

I SWEAR IT SEEMS LIKE WHENEVER EVERYTHING IS GOING ALONG NICELY SOMETHING FUCKS IT ALL UP. I MADE MY APPOINTMENT FOR THE HSG FOR THIS FRIDAY. IT SEEMED EASY ENOUGH TO DO. I WAS TOLD TO CALL THE 2ND DAY OF WHATEVER CYCLE AND THAT THE APPOINTMENT WOULD BE MADE FOR BETWEEN THE 5TH AND 10TH DAY OF MY CYCLE. THIS WORKED OUT GREAT. DAWN IS OFF FROM WORK SO SHE CAN GO WITH ME AND IT IS A FRIDAY WHICH GIVES ME THE WHOLE WEEKEND TO RELAX AFTER. I WAS TOLD IN THE BEGINNING THAT SINCE THEY HAD ME REGISTER WITH THE INFERTILITY PART OF MY INSURANCE I WOULD JUST BE ABLE TO HAVE TREATMENT WITHOUT HAVING TO GO THROUGH MY PRIMARY. MADE MY APPOINTMENT AND THEY TOLD ME I NEED A SLIP OF PAPER FROM THE RE, I HAD THAT ALREADY BECAUSE SHE GAVE IT TO ME AFTER THE FIRST APPOINTMENT FOR WHENEVER I WAS READY TO GO FOR THE HSG - HOWEVER, IT WAS NOT SIGNED, NO PROBLEM, THEY ARE IN THE SAME BUILDING, I CAN GET IT SIGNED BEFORE I GO FOR THE TEST... AND THE NEXT DAY THE RECEPTIONIST CALLS ME BACK TO TELL ME I NEED A REFERRAL FROM MY PRIMARY, I CALL THE RE'S BILLING OFFICE SINCE THEY HANDLED EVERYTHING SO FAR AND THEY TELL ME NO, I NEED NO REFERRALS BECAUSE I AM REGISTERED IN THE INFERTILITY PROGRAM. I CALL THE RECEPTIOINST BACK AND NOW SHE IS A NASTY DOUCHE AND TALKS TO ME LIKE I AM A FUCKING IDIOT. SHE IS UNMOVED AND TELLS ME I NEED THE REFERRAL, SHE SPOKE TO MY INSURANCE, IF I DON'T HAVE IT AND I NEED IT, THEY WILL NOT SEE ME, I EXPLAIN THAT I AM REGISTERED IN FOR INFERTILITY TREATMENT, SHE SAYS ALL SHE ASKED ABOUT WAS THE TEST, THAT IS HER JOB, IF I HAVE QUESTIONS CALL THE INSURANCE. I CALL MY INSURANCE, THEY TELL ME I NEED A REFERRAL FROM MY PRIMARY, I TELL THEM I AM REGISTERED FOR INFERTILITY TREATMENT, THEY PUT ME ON HOLD AND TELL ME I STILL NEED A REFERRAL BUT FROM THE RE NOT MY PRIMARY, I AM IN TEARS WHEN I HANG UP. I CALL THE RE OFFICE BACK AND SPEAK TO THE RECEPTIOINST, SHE TELLS ME ALL I NEED IS THE ORIGINAL SLIP THAT THE DOCTOR GAVE ME, COME IN BEFORE THE TEST AND THEY WILL SIGN IT. I FEEL LIKE I ENDED WHERE I STARTED. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN WHEN I GET THERE BUT I AM STILL GONNA GO AND WING IT. WHY IS IT EVEN THE EASY THINGS ARE DIFFICULT? I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT THE HELL IS GONNA HAPPEN WHEN WE ACTUALLY GET THE GO AHEAD TO QUIT THE PREP WORK AND GET STARTED.

ARGHHHHHHHH

2009-03-31T11:47:00.004-04:00

NEVER EVER EVER START A DIET A FEW DAYS BEFORE AUNT FLO. I AM PMSING LIKE A MUTHA AND IT IS NOT PRETTY. I MEAN COME ON PEOPLE... IF I EAT ONE MORE RAW GREEN BEAN I MAY GO POSTAL. THIS STUPID ASS CLEANSE HAS ME CRAZY - TOMORROW I START WW HOPEFULLY I WILL NO LONGER FEEL HOMICIDAL.

2009-03-30T12:43:00.002-04:00

I AM TIRED OF SITTING ON MY EXTREMELY FAT ASS DOING NOTHING. SINCE I AM ON A FORCED TIME OUT UNTIL THE NEXT CT SCAN THEN I AM GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE FAT ASS THING. I AM STARTING A DIET TODAY. I AM DOING A TWO DAY DETOX AND THEN WEIGHT WATCHERS. I HAVE TRIED THIS BEFORE BUT THIS TIME I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL!!!! I AM GONNA GET MYSELF HEALTHIER FOR ME, MY FAMILY, MY CHANCES OF GETTING PREGNANT... EVERY REASON THINKABLE AND SOME THAT I AM GONNA MAKE UP IF THE ONES I HAVE DON'T SEEM TO ENCOURAGE THE RABBIT FOOD EATING.

I AM GONNA LOSE FUCKING WEIGHT... EVEN IF I HAVE TO TAKE HOSTAGES. LOL.

*** DISCLAIMER: I CAN ALMOST GUARANTEE THAT I AM GONNA BE ONE CRANKY ASS MEGA BITCH FROM NOW UNTIL JUDGEMENT DAY (NOT LIKE MY LITTLE MARY SUNSHINE EVERYDAY SELF) SO BARE WITH ME AND RIDE IT OUT OR GRAB A PIECE OF CAKE AND FUCK OFF. LOL

update...sorta

2009-03-27T11:13:00.004-04:00

SO THE LATEST WORD IS... NOTHING. THIS IS ACTUALLY A GOOD THING. ON MONDAY I DECIDED TO CALL (WE DON'T)CARECORE TO CHECK ON MY PET SCAN APPROVAL. I WAS TOLD IT WAS DENIED. THIS WAS NOT A BIG SURPRISE AS THEY LOVE TO DENY THINGS TO THEN APPROVE IT AFTER YOUR DOCTOR APPEALS. THEY TOLD ME THEY FAXED THE DENIAL TO THE DOC ON FRIDAY AND SINCE I KNOW THEY ARE NOT IN TILL TUESDAY I FIGURED I WOULD HEAR FROM THEM SOON. NOT 30 SECONDS AFTER I HUNG UP WITH THEM, I GOT A CALL FROM MY PULMONOLOGIST'S RECEPTIONIST SAYING THAT I WAS TO GET INTO HIS OFFICE THE NEXT DAY. I ASKED HER IF IT WAS ABOUT THE DENIAL AND SHE HAD NO CLUE WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. SHE WOULDN'T /COULDN'T TELL ME WHAT WAS SO URGENT BUT REITERATED THAT IT WAS IMPERATIVE I GET TO THE OFFICE THE NEXT DAY. CUE THE IMPENDING DOOM MUSIC. LET ME JUST SAY I SPENT THE NEXT DAY FEELING AS IF I WERE GONNA BE RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL FOR EMERGENCY SURGERY. I WAS SURE THEY SAW SOMETHING THEY MISSED BEFORE AND THAT MY NUMBER WAS UP. DRAMATIC? MAYBE... BUT I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE THINKING THIS. HOWEVER MY OLD FRIEND (TAKE IT HOW YOU WANT TO "T", YOU ARE OLDER) WHO IS A NURSE TOLD ME THAT MAYBE IT WAS TO TELL ME HE WAS WRONG AND I DIDN'T NEED THE TEST. I LAUGHED BECAUSE WTF KIND OF CRAZY SHIT IS THAT?!?!? IT IS A GOOD THING SHE IS A PEDIATRIC NURSE BECAUSE ONLY KIDS COULD BELIEVE THAT KINDA CRAP. ANYWAY, I WAS STILL GRATEFUL FOR THE POSITIVE THOUGHTS BECAUSE I WAS GETTING DOOMSDAY VIBES FROM EVERYONE ELSE (EVEN MY WIFE WAS GIVING OFF A FEAR I HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE ALTHOUGH SHE WAS THE PICTURE OF STRENGTH ON THE OUTSIDE) ANYWAY, I SPENT MOST OF TUESDAY CRYING, PRAYING, CURSING, CRYING, PRAYING, CURSING ETC... WE GET THERE AN HOUR EARLY (B/C WHO THE HELL KNOWS HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE LEFT, RIGHT?) WE WAIT, I GO IN... NOTHING!!!! HOLY SHIT "T" WAS RIGHT (ONCE IN 26 YEARS. LOL) HE JUST WANTED TO TELL ME THAT THE PET SCAN WAS DENIED (WTF!!!! DIDN'T I ASK ABOUT THIS?!?!?) AND TO TELL ME WHY IT WAS DENIED AND THAT IF HE FELT THAT THERE WAS EVEN A 1% CHANCE THAT THIS WAS THE THYMIC CANCER HE WANTED TO RULE OUT WE WOULD FIGHT IT, BUT THAT HE DOESN'T, SO WE WON'T INSTEAD WE WILL JUST FOLLOW UP WITH A CT SCAN IN MAY... (UMMMM... WASN'T THIS THE FUCKING PLAN ALREADY DOCTOR???) HE DOES FOLLOW UP WITH HE STILL THINKS IT DOES NOT LOOK "KOSHER" BUT THAT HE ISN'T TOO WORRIED? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IF YOU WEREN'T WORRIED WHY ORDER THE TEST WHEN WE WERE GONNA HAVE THE CT ANYWAY? I ASKED HIM IF I SHOULD PULL TOGETHER THE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FOR THE DAMN PET SCAN ANYWAY, BECAUSE IF I SHOULD HAVE IT THEN INSURANCE BE DAMNED I AM GONNA HAVE IT.... HE SAYS NO AND GIVES ME THE WHOLE 1% SPEECH AGAIN.

NOW DO NOT GET ME WRONG... I AM THRILLED THAT I WAS NOT TOLD SOMETHING HORRIBLE WHEN I WENT IN THERE BECAUSE I WAS CONVINCED I WAS DYING. BUT I AM STILL FEELING UNNERVED ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING. WOULDN'T YOU?

this is all I have to say right now

2009-03-24T11:14:00.003-04:00

MAYBE I WILL HAVE MORE TO SAY LATER... I AM JUST IN THAT KIND OF PLACE TODAY.

are you serious?!?!? really?!?!?

2009-03-10T12:00:00.002-04:00

SO... WE ARE ON HOLD FOR AT LEAST 3 MONTHS. THEY FOUND SOME NODULES IN MY LUNGS AND "RESIDUAL THYMIC TISSUE". EVEN THOUGH MY PULMONOLOGIST ASSURES ME THAT THE NODULES WILL PROBABLY BE NOTHING, PROTOCOL IS TO FOLLOW UP WITH CT SCAN MONITORING EVERY 3 MONTHS FOR 2 YEARS. WHEN HE TOLD ME THAT I FREAKED OUT AND STARTED CRYING. I EXPLAINED FERTILITY WISE, I DON'T HAVE 2 YEARS. IT TURNS OUT HE AND HIS FIANCE ARE GOING TO THE SAME FERTILITY PLACE AS US SO HE UNDERSTOOD. HE MADE ME PROMISE TO GET THE NEXT SCAN IN 3 MONTHS AND THEN SAID IF AT THAT POINT THERE WAS NO CHANGE INT HE NODULES HE WOULD BE WILLING TO "BITE THE BULLET" AND WRITE TO MY RE INFORMING HER THAT IN HIS OPINION THE NODULES POSE NO THREAT AND I COULD CONTINUE TREATMENT. HOWEVER, IF THERE ARE ANY CHANGES, I WOULD HAVE TO TABLE FERTILITY TREATMENT TO HANDLE THOSE ISSUES. HE SAID THE THYMIC ISSUE ISN'T A BIG DEAL GENERALLY. IT IS MORE COMMON THAN NOT AND WOULD PROBABLY NEED NO TREATMENT. HE SAID HE WAS GONNA LOOK AT MY FILMS JUST TO BE SURE HIMSELF AND WOULD CALL ME IF THERE WAS AN ISSUE. I THINK THIS IS AN OK DEAL. I COULD DO 3 MONTHS. I AM NOT EVEN GONNA THING ABOUT 2 YEARS... SO EVEN THOUGH I WAS DISAPPOINTED I WAS OK WITH MY VISIT... UNTIL A FEW DAYS LATER. HE CALLED ME FROM THE IMAGING PLACE TO TELL ME THAT AFTER LOOKING AT MY FILMS THE THYMIC TISSUE MAY BE A PROBLEM AND NEEDS TO BE LOOKED AT WITH A PET SCAN. SO RADIATION ANYONE? YOU KNOW WHAT BURNS MY ASS? THE LAST THING THAT HE SAID TO ME IN HIS OFFICE WAS THAT I AM A HEALTHY WOMAN. I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE THESE LITTLE "HARMLESS ANOMALIES" THAT UNFORTUNATELY HAVE TO BE FOLLOWED UP ON BY A PHYSICIAN ONCE THEY ARE DETECTED EVEN THOUGH THEY MEAN NOTHING. WTF?!?!? SO I AM HEALTHY BUT HAVE SPENT THE LAST I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG IN AND OUT OF DOCTORS FOR NO FREAKING REASON? AND I AM GONNA HAVE TO KEEP GOING JUST IN CASE? OH YEAH AND IF THE DAMN DOCTORS DIDN'T KEEP SENDING ME TO ONE ANOTHER THESE LITTLE THING WOULD GO UNNOTICED AND I COULD GO ON WITH MY FREAKING PLANS? SO BASICALLY BECAUSE EVERY DOCTOR DESPERATELY WANTS TO COVER THEIR OWN ASS "JUST IN CASE" I GET TO PUT MY FERTILITY ISSUES ON THE BACK BURNER WHILE I WATCH MY CLOCK COUNT DOWN? HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOW OVARIAN RESERVE PEOPLE... NO TIME TO WASTE. SO I AM GONNA SIT ON MY ASS AND DO NOTHING FOR THE NEXT 3 FUCKING MONTHS AS FAR AS BABY PLANS GO. I FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING A FIGHT THAT HASN'T EVEN BEGUN.

...AND WE'RE OFF

2009-02-23T10:26:00.003-05:00

OK, SO I GOT MY PERMISSION SLIP AND I AM READY TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD... SORT OF. THE QUICK VERSION IS, THE HEMOTOLOGIST RULED OUT ALL KINDS OF SCARY STUFF INCLUDING LEUKEMIA WHICH WAS HIS MAIN CONCERN ALL THE TIME. SO BIG SIGH OF RELIEF. THE CT DID HOWEVER FIND A NODULE ON MY RIGHT LUNG WHICH ANOTHER DOCTOR ACTUALLY FOUND BACK IN APRIL 08 - SO HE SUGGESTS I FOLLOW UP - AND THE CT ALSO SHOWED POSSIBLE UTERINE FIBROIDS... THAT KIND OF SUCKS, BUT WE'LL SEE WHAT THE FAB DR. PARK (OUR RE) SAYS. THE HEMO SAID BASICALLY I JUST HAVE A HIGH WBC COUNT AND IT SEEMS TO BE FOR NO GOOD REASON... I AM SKEPTICAL OF THAT EXPLANATION BUT I AM NO DOCTOR SO I'LL TAKE MY PERMISSION SLIP AND RUN. I ALREADY HAD AN APPOINTMENT SCHEDULED FOR THE RE ON 4/13 BUT JUST TO BE SAFE I FAXED HER MY PAPERS AND ASKED HER TO CALL ME TO SEE IF SHE WANTS TO SEE ME EARLIER. SO WE ARE NOW ON THE ROAD AGAIN. TO CELEBRATE, DAWN AND I BOUGHT A BABY BLANKET YESTERDAY... SO AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED... HERE WE GO.

ALWAYS WAITING AND NEVER A TWW

2009-02-13T09:19:00.005-05:00

SO NOW I AM WAITING FOR THE RESULTS OF THE CHEST X-RAY AND ABDOMINAL/PELVIC CT SCANS. I SHOULD HEAR FROM THE DOCTOR EITHER TUESDAY OR WEDNESDAY. I FEEL LIKE I AM ALWAYS WAITING FOR SOMETHING BUT I WILL NEVER GET TO THE INFAMOUS TWW. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I KNOW THAT IF THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME IT IS BETTER TO KNOW THEN NOT, ESPECIALLY SINCE WE ARE TRYING TO TRY AND GET PREGNANT (BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN GIVEN THE PERMISSION TO ACTUALLY TRY YET) HOWEVER, THAT BEING SAID... IT IS VERY DISCOURAGING TO HAVE ALL THIS BACK AND FORTH AND WORRY AND WAITING BEFORE WE EVEN BEGIN TO TRY. I MEAN DON'T THESE DOCTORS KNOW THAT I HAVE LOW OVARIAN RESERVE?!?!? C'MON PEOPLE, THE LONGER I WAIT THE HARDER IT IS GONNA BE!!! I GUESS THAT SOUNDS TOO CRAZY TO ACTUALLY TELL A DOCTOR , BUT EVERY DAY THAT PASSES I GET THAT MUCH CLOSER TO CRAZY ANYWAY. I RESCHEDULED MY RE APPOINTMENT FOR THE NEXT TIME DAWN IS OFF, FREAKING APRIL, BY THAT TIME I HOPE TO HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE ALL CLEAR, AND IF NOT, THEN I HOPE TO AT LEAST KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ME AND IN THE MIDDLE OF KICKING WHATEVER IT IS' ASS!!! ALL THIS RANTING AND RAVING AND IN THE END... I STILL HAVE TO WAIT.

FEBRUARY UPDATE

2009-02-09T14:27:00.002-05:00

THE UPDATE IS THIS... THERE IS NONE. I AM STILL BACK AND FORTH TO DOCTORS AND STILL HAVE NOT BEEN CLEARED TO GO BACK TO MY RE. AS IT STANDS I AM BEING SENT TO GET AN ABDOMINAL/PELVIC CT SCAN - MAINLY LOOKING AT MY SPLEEN AND LYMPH NODES. CAN'T IMAGINE HOW VERY SCARY THAT SOUNDS TO ME. I MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR THE RE ANYWAY, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE I AM GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL, I DOUBT I WILL BE CLEARED BY THE 19TH, I HAD A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS/OPTIMISM WHEN I MADE THE APPOINTMENT. IN THE MEANTIME, THE MORE TIME PASSES THE WORSE MY CHANCES AT CONCEIVING BECOME. I CAN'T EVEN PUT WORDS TO HOW I FEEL ABOUT ANY OF THIS EXCEPT TO SAY... THIS FUCKING BLOWS!!!

January sucked...

2009-01-29T14:43:00.000-05:00

...and february is gonna start no better.

even though we are off to a bad start

2009-01-06T15:05:00.007-05:00

IT SEEMS AS IF MAYBE SOME OF MY OPTIMISM HAS RETURNED FOR NO GOOD REASON. I MEAN AS FAR AS WE ARE CONCERNED WE ARE STILL IN A HOLDING PATTERN WITH THE HEMATOLOGIST. POKE. PROD. REPEAT. STILL NO STA,P OF APPROVAL FROM HIM TO GO BACK TO MY RE AND AS IT STANDS I HAVE TO GET THE LABS DONE AGAIN THIS FRIDAY, IN THE MEANTIME MY LOW NUMBERED EGGS ARE JUST DWINDLING AWAY UNUSED. BUT FUCK IT, I DON'T CARE, I AM NOT GONNA LET ANY OF THAT SHIT WEIGH ME DOWN MORE THEN IT HAS ALREADY. I AM GONNA DO WHAT I CAN AND NOTHING MORE RIGHT NOW. I AM JUST GONNA BE PATIENT AND CALM AND COLLECTED. DID I CONVINCE YOU YET? NO? ME NEITHER. I AN SUPER BUMMED STILL AND JUST GETTING WORSE. I AM TOTALLY LOSING MY MIND. I ALMOST FOLLOWED DAWN'S COUSIN TO HIS CAR ONE DAY TO ASK IF HE WOULD BE OUR DONOR, I SPONTANEOUSLY FOLLOWED HER SISTER IN LAW A COUPLE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS TO TELL HER OUR PLIGHT AND ASK HER FOR HER INFINITE WISDOM - I MEAN, HELL, HER IVF WORKED AND THEN A FEW MONTHS AFTER SHE HAD HER SON SHE WAS PREGNANT AGAIN WITH NO HELP AT ALL THAT TIME, OF COURSE SHE DOES HAVE A FRESH ON DEMAND SUPPLY OF SPERM SO HER ADVICE WAS LIMITED TO WHAT TESTS I SHOULD ASK FOR AND WHAT HOMEOPATHIC REMEDIES I SHOULD TRY. SHE WAS REAL SWEET AND LISTENED INTENTLY, EVEN WHEN I BURST INTO TEARS ABOUT ALL THE BABY STUFF WE HAVE COLLECTED OVER THE YEARS THAT WE MAY HAVE TO PACK UP AND GIVE AWAY. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS GONNA TALK TO HER SO I COULDN'T GIVE MY WIFE THE HEADS UP AND SWORE HER TO SECRECY. IT SUCKED WHEN SHE SAID TOO BAD THERE WEREN'T MORE MEN IN THE FAMILY. I MEAN WHAT DID I EXPECT, FOR HER TO BE LIKE, "HEY, YOU SEEM TO NEED WHAT I HAVE ACCESS TO IN SPADES, HOW ABOUT I LEND YOU SOME?!?!"...LOL. OK, SO MAYBE I DO HAVE A TINY PART OF ME THAT WAS HOPING FOR THE CONVERSATION TO LEAN THAT WAY, BUT MOSTLY I WANTED TO SHARE OUR PAIN AND CONFUSION WITH SOMEONE TANGIBLE. ANYWAY, I AM BATTLING ANOTHER ROUND OF A COLD/FLU/BRONCHITIS/SINUS THING SO I CAN'T REDO MY LABS, PLUS AUNT FLO SHOULD ARRIVE ANY DAY NOW SO THAT DELAYS ME SOME MORE... HOPEFULLY IN ABOUT 2 WEEKS OR SO I CAN HAVE SOME CLOSURE ON THIS CRAP AND BE ABLE TO GO BACK TO ALL THE LOOSE ENDS OF TREATMENT WITH THE RE. IN THE MEANTIME I GO BACK AND FORTH FROM FEELING SAD AND SADDER. IN THE MEANTIME MY BABY JUST CELEBRATED HIS 13TH BIRTHDAY. HE IS AN ACTUAL TEENAGER. IT HAS BEEN A TOTAL PLEASURE BEING HIS MOM, REGARDLESS OF HOW MANY TIMES I WANNA LOCK HIM IN A CLOSET AND THROW AWAY THE KEY WHEN HE GIVES ME THAT I AM THE MAN OF THE HOUSE ATTITUDE. LOL. I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE DAY I HAD HIM IN MY ARMS FOR THE FIRST TIME LIKE IT JUST HAPPENED. I WOULD HAVE TRADED MY LIFE FOR HIM AT THAT MOMENT, AND EVERY MOMENT SINCE. I WAS BORN TO BE HIS MOM I AM SCARED TO TELL HIM ABOUT US WANTING TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY. I MEAN HIM AND RY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 10YRS BUT I KNOW IT WON'T BE THE SAME TO HIM. I DON'T WANT HIM TO FEEL LIKE I AM REPLACING HIM OR LIKE HE ISN'T ENOUGH. I AM SO SCARED. THEN TO TELL HIM AND PUT HIM THROUGH CHANGES FOR NOTHING IF IT DOESN'T WORK... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. I KNOW I DON'T REALLY TALK ABOUT RYAN ON HERE TOO MUCH, IT IS BECAUSE HE IS SUCH AN OPEN KIND OF ROLL WITH IT KIND OF KID. DAVID IS SO COMPLEX. I KNOW RYAN WOULD PROBABLY LOVE A SIBLING. IT IS DAVID THAT WORRIES ME. ANYWAY, I AM GONNA TRY TO STAY POSITIVE, REALLY, I AM... IN MY OWN WAY.

denied...for now

2008-11-21T08:45:00.004-05:00

PERMISSION TO GO BACK FOR FERTILITY TREATMENT DENIED... FOR NOW. LAST WEEK I WENT TO THE HEMATOLOGIST AND IT SEEMED LIKE EVERYTHING WAS OK. SORT OF. HE DID SOME BLOOD WORK IN OFFICE AND THAT CAME BACK OK. JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE HE SENT IT OUT FOR MORE EXTENSIVE TESTING AS WELL AS URINE. SO OFF I WENT FIRST THING THIS MORNING FOR A 6AM RESULTS APPOINTMENT. I AM A TOTAL HALF GLASS EMPTY KIND OF PERSON SOMETIMES. IF I EVEN GET THE INKLING THAT SOMETHING BAD MAY HAPPEN I START TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR THE WORST. THAT IS HOW I AM. I GET IT FROM MY MOM. THAT IS HOW I HAVE MANAGED TO SURVIVE A LOT OF SHITTY THINGS. WELL, FOR THE LAST WEEK I HAVE LISTENED TO EVERYONE TELL ME IT IS ALL GONNA BE OK AND THAT IT'S NOTHING. I LET MYSELF BELIEVE THAT. I WENT IN THIS MORNING WITH NOT A CARE IN THE WORLD EAGERLY WAITING TO GET THE OK. THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND TOLD ME "EVERYTHING CAME BACK OK, NOT GOOD, NOT BAD JUST OK." HE SAID THAT HE DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT HE HAD THE RECEPTIONIST START WRITING MY PERMISSION SLIP. I PUT MY COAT ON. HE CAME BACK AND SAID HE WANTED TO RUN THE IN OFFICE AGAIN. SO JACKET OFF, BLOOD WORK DONE, RESULTS... WORSE THAN THE LAST TIME. HE HAD ME LAY DOWN, POKED MY HIPS (I LET OUT SUCH A SCREAM WHEN SHE TOUCHED MY LEFT HIP) AND ACROSS MY LOWER BACK. HE TOLD ME HE WANTS TO DO A BONE MARROW ASPIRATION. WHAT THE FUCK!!???!!! HE TOOK SOME MORE URINE AND TOLD ME TO CALL TUESDAY TO MAKE SURE IT IS ALL CLEAR OF BACTERIA. IF NOT THEN I GET ANTIBIOTICS TILL ITS CLEAR BEFORE I CAN SCHEDULE THE PROCEDURE. IT HAS TO BE DONE IN THE HOSPITAL UNDER SEDATION. HE LEFT ME THERE, SLACK JAWED IN THE DOORWAY HE WALKED TO THE RECEPTIONIST PICKED UP MY RELEASE FOR TREATMENT AND RIPPED IT UP. YES FOLKS, HE RIPPED IT UP. HOW FUCKING SYMBOLIC IS THAT. THAT IS EXACTLY HOW MY HEART FELT. SO TUESDAY I SHOULD KNOW MORE. UNTIL THEN I AM STICKING TO BEING PESSIMISTIC... THERE IS SO MUCH LESS DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN YOU EXPECT THE WORSE FROM THE START.

*** UPDATE***

SO YESTERDAY THEY SCHEDULED ME FOR THE BONE MARROW ASPIRATION FOR 12/5 - I PUT IN FOR THE DAY OFF, MADE ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE KIDS SO ON AND SO ON. THIS MORNING I GET A CALL AT 6:45AM FROM THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - THEY HAVE TO CANCEL THE APPOINTMENT BECAUSE MY URINE CAME BACK FUCKED UP AGAIN - HE WANTS ME TO SEE A KIDNEY SPECIALIST TO GET CLEARANCE FOR THE BONE MARROW ASPIRATION. OK, SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? I NEED TO GET PERMISSION FROM THE KIDNEY GUY TO BE TREATED BY THE BLOOD GUY TO BE TREATED BY THE FERTILITY LADY - I MEAN HOW MANY HORNY STUPID STRAIGHT TEENS GET KNOCKED UP THEIR FIRST TIME AROUND WITHOUT SO MUCH AS PERMISSION FROM THEIR PARENTS AND NOW I GOTTA GET A MILLION AND ONE FUCKING PERMISSION SLIPS JUST TO TRY AND GET PREGNANT. MIND YOU, AT THIS POINT IT IS STILL UNCLEAR WHETHER OR NOT THAT IS EVEN GONNA BE POSSIBLE. I JUST WANT 1 CLEAR ANSWER. IS THERE A FORM SOMEWHERE I HAVE TO FILL OUT IN TRIPLICATE TO ASK FOR PERMISSION FOR THAT?

***2ND VERSE SAME AS THE FIRST***

SO NO KIDNEY SPECIALIST - INSTEAD MY PRIMARY DR PU TME ON SOME HARDCORE DOUBLE ANTIBIOTIC FOR 10 DAYS THEN I HAVE TO REDO THE BLOOD AND URINE TO SEE WHAT IS WHAT - IF THE WBC COUNT IS STILL HIGH BUT THE BACTERIA COUNT IS GONE THEN I WILL 99.9% HAVE TO DO THE BONE MARROW ASPIRATION. EITHER WAY SHE IS GONNA WANT TO DO MY CBC MORE OFTEN JUST TO MAKE SURE THEN I GUESS ONCE THIS IS ALL CLEAR... IT BETTER... I WILL HEAD BACK TO MY RE.

ALL CLEAR...NOT

2008-11-07T08:22:00.005-05:00

SO APPARENTLY, NOW I NEED A FREAKING PERMISSION SLIP TO TTC. OUR RE CALLED ON WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON, OF COURSE, I MISSED THE CALL AND SHE LEFT A MESSAGE. MY REDO CBC RESULTS ARE IN. MY PLATELETS ARE NORMAL BUT MY WBC ARE STILL ELEVATED, APPARENTLY MORE SO THAN THE LAST TIME. SO SHE WENT ON TO SAY THAT WHILE THIS MAY BE NOTHING, IT MAY BE SOMETHING SO SHE WANTS ME TO SEE A HEMATOLOGIST. I AM SUPPOSED TO TAKE ALL MY BLOOD TEST RESULTS TO HIM AND THEN GET HIM TO CHECK ME OUT, IF ALL IS OK I NEED "A NOTE SAYING THAT I AM OK TO TRY AND GET PREGNANT, EITHER ON A PRESCRIPTION PAD OR DOCTOR'S LETTERHEAD: NO, SERIOUSLY, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. IF THIS WHOLE THING WASN'T SO FREAKING UPSETTING I WOULD TOTALLY LAUGH MY ASS OFF. THIS IS SO MUCH WORK AND THE HARD PART HASN'T EVEN STARTED. EVERY TIME I MAKE PEACE WITH THE LAST LITTLE SETBACK AND PULL MYSELF UP TO MOVE ON I GET HIT WITH SOMETHING ELSE. SO TODAY I HAVE TO GO SEE MY PRIMARY PHYSICIAN WHO I NOW HAVE TO EXPLAIN ALL THIS TO, GET A REFERRAL, CAUSE MY INSURANCE SUCKS, AND SEE A HEMATOLOGIST, WHOSE NAME IS DR. FUK, HOLD LAUGHTER, NEXT WEEK. WHEN WE DECIDED TO TTC THIS UPCOMING SUMMER, IT FELT LIKE SUCH A LONG WAY OFF, JUST A REALLY LONG TIME OF DOING NOTHING BUT WAITING, IT TURNS OUT THAT ALL THE TIME FROM HERE TO THERE IS GONNA BE PUT TO USE AFTER ALL. OH LORDY I NEED A VACATION.

THAT'S ALL WE NEED... AND THAT'S ALL I MAY HAVE

2008-10-27T09:12:00.002-04:00

SO, HERE IS THE LATEST UPDATE... I WAS HAVING A HORRIBLE DAY ON FRIDAY. I HAD TO DROP MY CLASSES FOR THIS SEMESTER BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN REALLY OVERWHELMED AND STRESSED LATELY WHICH CAUSED ME TO FALL REALLY BEHIND. RATHER THEN HAVE MY GPA FALL I WITHDREW. SO THAT IS GONNA SET ME BACK SOME. ANYWAY WHEN I CAME OUT OF SCHOOL I HAD A MESS AGE FROM THE RE. THE GOOD NEWS WAS MY PAP CAME BACK FINE. THE BAD NEWS... THE MIS RESULTS. ACCORDING TO THE DOC, SHE IDEALLY WOULD LIKE A PATIENT TO HAVE A MINIMUM EGG COUNT OF .4 FOR IUI. I AM AT .27 - I AM NOT GOOD AT MATH BUT CLEARLY THIS IS NOT A GOOD NUMBER. SHE WENT ON TO SAY THAT SHE WAS SURPRISED IT WAS SO LOW... SHE WAS SURPRISED?!?! WTF??? I AM THE ONE THAT IS FUCKING SURPRISED. ANYWAY, THE MESSAGE SAID THAT EVEN THOUGH DAWN AND I MADE IT CLEAR THAT IVF IS NOT AN OPTION FOR US, IF WE CHANGE OUR MIND, SHE FEELS WE WOULD BE BETTER SUITED FOR IVF THAN IUI, WE SHOULD MAKES MOVES SOON BECAUSE AS TIME PASSES MY EGGS DECREASE AS DO MY CHANCES (CUE THE TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY FACE WHILE ON THE BUS) SHE SAID IF WE STILL WANTED TO GO THROUGH WITH THE IUI WE COULD WITH OR WITHOUT THE MEDS - AND WE DON'T EVEN NEED TO MAKE ANOTHER APPOINTMENT TILL I HAVE MY 2ND DAY BLOOD TEST DURING THE CYCLE WE CHOOSE AND TO JUST MAKE SURE THE SWIMMERS ARE THERE AND THAT WE HAVE TAKEN THE IUI CLASS. SOOO, I HANG UP AND SOB, STILL ON THE BUS. I GET HOME @ 2 AND TEXT DAWN WHO WAS STILL AT WORK - AND WAITED FOR HER TO GET HOME. WE DECIDED TO GO FORWARD AS PLANNED BUT I HAVE TO SAY I AM FEELING A LITTLE DEJECTED AND LIKE I HAVE ALREADY LET DAWN DOWN. WE ARE SHORT ON EGGS BUT I AM SURE THE ONES WE HAVE ARE GOOD ONES AND WILL DO JUST FINE. DID THAT SOUND CONVINCING ENOUGH? ANYBODY ELSE HAVE THIS # PROBLEM BUT HAVE SUCCESS WITH IUI?

update - more crappy news than good

2008-10-16T10:16:00.003-04:00

OK, SO HERE IS THE LATEST UPDATE. ONLY SOME OF MY TEST RESULTS ARE BACK. MIS AND PAP RESULTS ARE STILL NOT IN. THE DOCTOR CALLED ME YESTERDAY AND TOLD ME THAT I AM ANEMIC... SEVERELY ANEMIC. I NEED TO TAKE EXTRA IRON AS WELL AS PRENATALS. ALSO, I HAVE TO REPEAT MY CBC BLOOD WORK. MY PLATELET AND WBC COUNTS WERE OFF. SO BACK I GO ON MONDAY TO GET MORE BLOOD TAKEN... HELLO, I AM ANEMIC, DON'T I NEED TO KEEP MY BLOOD???!?!! I AM ALSO CMV- , SHE SAYS THIS MEANS SHE WOULD PREFER IF WE PICK A CMV- DONOR, BUT THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO. APPARENTLY MOST PEOPLE TEST CMV+ SO WE'LL SEE IF OUR CHOICES ARE LIMITED EVEN MORE BY THIS LITTLE BIT OF NEWS. SHOULD BE ANOTHER WEEK OR SO BEFORE I HAVE THE OTHER RESULTS... WHAT HAPPENED TO I SHOULD HAVE THEM ALL BACK IN 2 WEEKS?!?!? ANYWAY, I AM TOTALLY PMSing AND I HAVE HAD A REALLY SHITTY TIME LATELY SO EXCUSE THE CRANKY ASS BEHAVIOR. HOPE ALL IS WELL FOR EVERYONE ELSE OUT THERE IN BABYMAKING LAND.

just another day in the life

2008-10-07T09:52:00.003-04:00

SO THE OTHER DAY I RECEIVED A LETTER IN THE MAIL FROM MY INSURANCE WITH SOME INFO ON INFERTILITY COVERAGE. IT LISTED A WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS THAT I AM APPROVED FOR SUCH AS ULTRASOUNDS AND MEDS AND TESTS. HOWEVER, I HAVE TO DO THE THINGS LISTED BY THE END OF DECEMBER. I AM FEELING A LITTLE RUSHED. WE WERE HOPING TO BE ABLE TO DO THINGS NICE AND SLOW WITH THE RE SO WE CAN GET A GOOD GRASP ON EVERYTHING SHE SAYS. I GUESS WE HAVE TO PICK UP THE PACE. ANYWAY, YESTERDAY I WENT FOR A PAP (EWW AND OUCH) AND MORE BLOOD WORK (I SWEAR SHE USED AN ICE PICK AND A BUCKET). ANYWAY, SO NOW WE WAIT FOR THE RESULTS OF THE MIS TEST, THE PAP AND CULTURES AND THE MULTITUDE OF BLOOD WORK SHE DID YESTERDAY (SHE TOOK 7 VIALS PEOPLE, AND ONE OF THE THINGS SHE IS CHECKING IS ANEMIA) AS FAR AS DONORS GO, CCB ONLY HAS 12 WHO MEET OUR BASIC CRITERIA AND OF THOSE 3 ARE OUT OFF THE BAT AND 1 DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW - SO WE HAVE 8 THAT WE HAVE TO LOOK THROUGH AND DECIDE FROM OR WE CAN TRY AND WAIT IT OUT A LITTLE LONGER TO SEE IF THE CHOICES GET BETTER. IN THE MEANTIME, I HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH ALL OF YOU AND YOURS . MUCH LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL OF YOU.

you are not alone - REALLY LONG POST

2008-10-01T12:36:00.007-04:00

SOOOO.... HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED AT OUR FIRST RE APPT YESTERDAY. I CALLED THE DAY BEFORE TO DOUBLE CHECK MY TIME, I WAS TOLD 2 PM AND TO BE THERE HALF HOUR EARLY. DAWN MET ME IN THE CITY AND WE WALKED OVER TOGETHER. I HATE BEING LATE SO WE GOT THERE A FEW MINUTES AFTER 1PM. WE GO IN AND WE ARE TOLD TO GO TO ANOTHER FLOOR... OK, NO BIG DEAL. WE GET TO THE FLOOR WE ARE SUPPOSSED TO BE ON AND I AM TOLD THAT MY APPOINTMENT WAS FOR 2:30 NOT 2 AND THAT THE DOCTOR WILL NOT SEE ME BEFORE THEN. OK, SO WE HAVE TO WAIT ALMOST AN HOUR AND A HALF, A LITTLE UPSETTING BUT WE DECIDE TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT AND SIT AND TALK. ABOUT 2:05 THE RECEPTIONIST, WHO HAS HAD ALL MY PAPERWORK AND INSURANCE INFO, CALLS ME OVER TO ASK IF I HAVE A REFERRAL - I TELL HER THAT I CONTACTED MY INSURANCE BEFORE I EVEN MADE THE APPOINTMENT AND THEY TOLD ME THAT LIKE OB/GYN VISITS I DO NOT NEED A REFERRAL FOR CONSULT AND INITIAL EXAMS FROM AN RE... I ONLY NEED REFERRALS FOR TREATMENT. SHE LOOKS AT ME LIKE I AM CRAZY AND TELLS ME SHE WILL HAVE BILLING LOOK INTO IT BEFORE I GO IN TO THE DOCTOR. AT 2:15 THE WOMAN FROM BILLING CALLS ME OVER AND HANDS ME A PIECE OF PAPER - SHE TELLS ME THAT MY INSURANCE WILL COVER DIAGNOSIS AND CORRECTION OF INFERTILITY AS WELL AS IUIs BUT I HAVE TO CALL THEM TO REGISTER WITH THEIR INFERTILITY DEPARTMENT FIRST AND GET AN AUTHORIZATION NUMBER. WHY IN THE HELL DIDN'T MY INSURANCE TELL ME THAT 2 WEEKS AGO??? SO NOW I HAVE TO GET THROUGH TO THEM IN THE MERE 10 MINUTES I HAVE LEFT BEFORE MY APPOIINTMENT. FINE. I CALL THEM AND OF COURSE THE DUMBASS ON THE OTHER LINE CAN NOT FIND MY DOCTOR AS A PARTICIPATING PROVIDER (HELLO, I GOT HER NAME FROM THEM IN THE FIRST F-ING PLACE) SO I GET PUT ON HOLD. 5 MINUTES LATER SHE TELLS ME SHE FOUND THE NAME AND HAD TO LOOK UP MY BENEFITS, SHE REPEATS WHAT I AM COVERED FOR AND THEN TELLS ME BEFORE SHE CAN AUTHORIZE ME HAS TO ASK ME SOMWEQUESTIONS. OH SHIT!!!! SO SHE ASK SOME BASICS AND OF COURSE ASKS ME IF I HAVE A MALE PARTNER THAT I INTEND TO GET PREGNANT WITH. I CONVINCE MYSELF THAT WHAT I ANSWER NEXT IS THE TRUTH BECAUSE, HELL, I NEED SPERM TO GET PREGNANT, WE ARE ONLY GONNA TRY ONE DONOR SO TECHNICALLY THAT DOES MAKE HIM MY PARTNER, RIGHT??? ANYWAY, I FINALLY GET MY AUTHORIZATION NUMBER, HANG UP, LOOK AT THE CLOCK, IT IS 2:29!!! MY HEART IS POUNDING, MY HEAD FEELS LIKE IT IS GONNA EXPLODE BUT I GOT THE INFO ON TIME. WE SPEND THE NEXT 20+ MINUTES WAITING TO SEE THE DOCTOR. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY 2:30 APPOINTMENT???

ANYHOO - THE DOCTOR CALLED ME AND THEN THE WHIRLWIND REALLY BEGAN. SHE WAS FINE WITH DAWN AND I BEING A COUPLE, WE TOLD HER ABOUT OUR PLANS AS FAR AS WHAT WE ARE WILLING TO DO AND FOR HOW LONG. SHE TOLD US SHE LIKED OUR ATTITUDE AND THAT IT WAS A "VERY HEALTHY" WAY TO LOOK AT THINGS. OK, WHATEVER. SHE THEN TOOK MY MED INFO, IN DETAIL AND LAID OUT OUR OPTIONS. THEN SHE GAVE ME A PHYSICAL (OF COURSE MY WEIGHT BECAME AN ISSUE THE MINUTE I STEPPED ON A SCALE, IT AMUSES ME TO SEE PEOPLE SURPRISED AT THE ACTUAL NUMBERS AFTER SPENDING HOW LONG WITH ME?!?!) THEN THE LOVELY SPECULUM MADE AN APPEARANCE. ALL SEEMED WELL ON THE "SURFACE" - THEN OFF FOR A BLOOD TEST. THE FAMOUS MIS TEST (TO CHECK THE BLOOD FOR INFO ON OVARIAN RESERVE) MY INSURANCE DOES NOT COVER THIS BUT NOT TOO BAD BECAUSE I HAVE NO OTHER CO-PAYS SO WE PAY $75 AND HEAD TO HOOTERS TO EAT AND TALK.

HERE IS THE NITTY GRITTY: (SOME MAY DISAGREE, BUT THIS WORKS FOR US, PLEASE DON'T JUDGE)

WE LOOOOVE OUR RE - SHE IS AMAZING - I WOULD HAVE WAITED FOREVER TO SEE HER
WE HAVE TO WAIT TWO WEEKS (OUR FIRST TWW) FOR THE MIS RESULTS
I HAVE TO GO IN ON MONDAY FOR A PAP AND MORE BLOOD WORK
WHATEVER CYCLE I DECIDE TO I HAVE TO DO THE 2ND DAY E2/FSH BLOODWORK
SAME CYCLE HSG (SHE WARNED ME THIS IS NOT FUN) B/W 5-10 DAY
AT SOME POINT THEY WOULD LIKE US TO TAKE AN ORIENTATION CALSS BEFORE BEGINNING THE IUIs
WE ARE PROBABLY GONNA GO WITH CCB - THEY SEEM TO BE THE MOST OFTEN USED BY OUR RE AND I HAVE HEARD FAIRLY GOOD THINGS ABOUT THEM
OUR PLACE WILL STORE FOR $500 ANNUAL - MORE EXPENSIVE THAN AT CCB BUT THEN WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SHIPING B/C THE SWIMMERS WILL ALREADY BE WAITING FOR US
SHE DOES NOT SUGGEST USING MORE THAN 1 VIAL PER CYCLE
WE ARE MOST LIKELY GONNA TRY AT LEAST ONE ICI AT HOME
WE ARE ONLY GONNA TRY IUI FOR A FEW MONTHS
AT MOST WE WILL DO CLOMID OR AN INJECTION OF OVIDREL (AT HER SUGGESTION), BUT NO OTHER DRUGS
IF FOR SOME REASON SHE FINDS SOMETHING THAT MAY PREVENT ME FROM GETTING PREGNANT, WE WILL NOT TAKE STEPS TO SURGICALLY CORRECT
IF THAT IS THE CASE THEN WE WILL STAY WITH HER AND DAWN WILL GET CHECKED OUT TO SEE IF SHE IS AN OPTION
IF NEITHER OF US IS AN OPTION OR WHOEVER IS DOESN'T GET PREGNANT WITHIN THE TIME WE AGREED TO GIVE OURSELVES, WE WILL BE VERRRRY SAD, BUT WE WILL CONTINUE TO BE GRATEFUL FOR THE BEAUTIFUL SONS WE HAVE.

WE'LL KEEP YOU GUYS POSTED!!!!

2008-09-30T09:27:00.002-04:00

TODAY IS OUR RE APPOINTMENT - I AM SITTING AT WORK RIGHT NOW. DAWN IS GONNA MEET ME LATER AND WE ARE GOING TOGETHER. LET ME JUST SAY THAT I HAVE BEEN WALKING AROUND LIKE AN INSANE PERSON FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS AND THE A-HOLES AT WORK HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD ON MY LAST NERVE. IF THEY HAD ANY COMMON SENSE THEY WOULD JUST STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY TODAY - I AM A WOMAN ON A TOTAL INSANITY TRIP AT THIS MOMENT. GONNA KEEP IT SHORT SO I CAN JUST GET MY SHIT TOGETHER. WISH US LUCK - I WILL UPDATE TOMORROW... IF I HAVEN'T BEEN COMMITTED ;)

A RANDOM RANT FROM AN ANGRY MOM

2008-09-23T09:01:00.003-04:00

I AM AN ANGRY MOTHER. WHY DOES LIFE TAKE A WONDERFUL KID LIKE DAVID AND GIVE HIM SOME FUCKED UP BULLSHIT DISORDER LIKE TOURETTES?!? I KNOW THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE GONNA SAY (BECAUSE THEY HAVE ACTUALLY SAID THIS TO ME) "IT COULD BE SO MUCH WORSE" "AT LEAST IT WON'T KILL HIM" "IS THAT EVEN A REAL DISORDER?" "YOU ARE LUCKY, THINK OF THE PARENTS WHOSE KIDS HAVE CANCER" REALLY?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!!! LISTEN I AM AS SORRY AS THE NEXT PERSON WHEN SOMEONE ELSE'S KID IS SICK, AND I CRY WHEN I HEAR OF LITTLE KIDS WITH CANCER AND SO ON AND SO FORTH - BUT WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK THAT SOMEHOW I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT IT ISN'T WORSE? MY SON IS MY SON AND I DON'T WANT THERE TO BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM AND UNTIL YOU HAVE SEEN THE SHIT HE GOES THROUGH WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO JUDGE ME AND TO BELITTLE WHAT HE GOES THROUGH?!?! THERE IS NO CURE, NO TREATMENT, NO PATTERN, NO FUCKING HELPFUL INFORMATION ABOUT TOURETTES. HE HAS AND HE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE IT FOR LIFE, HE MAY OR MAY NOT GET BETTER OR WORSE, HE MAY OR MAY NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE HIS LIFE WITHOUT MEDICATION FOR IT HE MAY OR MAY NOT BE ABLE TO FUNCTION NORMALLY... OH BY THE WAY WHAT THEY ARE SURE OF IS THAT HE WILL HAVE ONE OR MORE COMORBID DISORDERS ALTHOUGH THEY DO NOT KNOW WHICH ONES OR WHEN. SO EVERY DAY THAT PASSES WITHOUT INCIDENT I THANK GOD AND I BEG AND MAKE DEALS FOR A FUCKING MIRACLE CURE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? MONTHS WIL PASS AND NOTHING... HE WILL BE FINE... SAME BRILLIANT, SWEET, LOVING, FUNNY, AFFECTIONATE, ATHLETIC GIFT FROM GOD THAT HE IS.

THEN IN A BLINK OF A FUCKING EYE IT IS GONE AND THIS BASTARD DISORDER TAKES HOLD AND FIGHTS NOT TO LET GO. AT BEST IT GIVES HIM ONE FORM OR ANOTHER OF TICS... EYE BLINKING, MOUTH TWISTING, THROAT CLEARING ETC... AT WORST IT TAKES MY 5'7 132LB 12 YR OLD BABY AND TURNS HIM INTO A VIOLENT, ANGRY, UNCONTROLLABLE MAN. HE YELLS AND HITS AND HURTS HIMSELF. WE HAVE TO HOLD HIM DOWN UNTIL THESE EPISODES PASS AND THANFULLY THEY ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN (3 TIMES IN 3 YEARS) BUT THEY ARE SCARY. WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE THE MONSTER THAT IS TOURETTES LEAVES MY BABY BROKEN, SAD, DRAINED AND USUALLY BLEEDING IN A HEAP. SO WE DO WHAT WE CAN TO GET HIM BACK TOGETHER AND TRY TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE IT HAS LEFT BEHIND. THEN WHEN I AM ALONE, I CRY AND CURSE AT GOD AND ASK HIM WHY? WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE DO THAT TO MY BABY? WHY WOULD HE GIVE HIM SO MUCH TO DEAL WITH? WHY WOULDN'T HE PROTECT HIM AND KEEP HIM SAFE? THEN I THINK IT ISN'T GOD THAT DID IT TO HIM... IT IS ME...MAYBE... IT IS GENETIC - APPARENTLY IT IS SOMETHING THAT EITHER MY EX OR I PASSED TO HIM. BUT OF COURSE THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER - JUST WORSE. I MEAN THERE IS NOTHING THAT WOULD EVER MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THIS OTHER THEN FINDING A CURE OR LETTING ME TAKE IT BACK. I KNOW THIS IS AN ANGRY UGLY POST AND I KNOW NOT MANY PEOPLE READ THIS BUT I NEEDED TO EMOTIONALLY PURGE.

KEEP HIM IN YOUR THOUGHTS THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG AND BUMPY RIDE.

MICHELLE & DAWN

THE BITCH IS BACK...NOW WHEN DOES SHE LEAVE?

2008-09-22T09:33:00.004-04:00

FINALLY... THAT LONG LOST RELATIVE, AUNT FLO SHOWED - AFTER 37 DAYS TODAY IS CD1. I WAS REALLY SICK FOR THE LAST MONTH AND THE LAST TIME I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL THEY RAN A SHITLOAD OF BLOOD TESTS - IT DID SHOW I WAS PRETTY ANEMIC SO MAYBE THAT IS WHAT CAUSED THE DELAY? WE'LL SEE...

isn't it ironic?

2008-09-17T11:47:00.003-04:00

WTF?!?!? I AM ALWAYS "MS. REGULAR" - "MS. EVERY 28 DAYS ON THE DOT" - YOU CAN TOTALLY SET A CLOCK TO MY CYCLE... SO OF COURSE THIS MONTH WHEN I HAVE MY APPOINTMENT WITH THE RE I AM OFFICIALLY ON DAY 33?!?!? NOT A CRAMP, NOT A SPOT, NOT A TWINGE IN A BOOB... NOTHING!!! WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT SHIT? ANYWAY, I GUESS WE'LL SEE HOW LONG THAT BIOTCH AF DELAYS HER VISIT JUST TO SCREW WITH ME.

FIRST RE APPOINTMENT

2008-09-10T11:27:00.003-04:00

OK, SO AFTER GIVING IT SOME THOUGHT, DAWN AND I DECIDED THAT I SHOULD GO VISIT WITH AN RE FOR A CONSULT. I HAVE NOTICED THAT ALOT OF YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO DO THE SAME SO I AM FOLLOWING SUIT. MY FIRST APPOINTMENT IS ON 9/17 AT Center for Women’s Reproductive Care OF COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY. I AM VERY EXCITED BUT VERY SCARED TOO. I KNOW I HAVE DAVID AND FOR THE MOST PART I HAD A REALLY GOOD PREGNANCY/DELIVERY WITH HIM BUT I DID HAVE SOME "ISSUES" BEFORE AND AFTER HIM... SO EVEN IF WE DECIDE TO TRY AT HOME ICIs ONLY, AT LEAST I CAN PUT MY MIND AT EASE THAT THOSE ISSUES HAVE NOT LEFT ANY PERMANENT DAMAGE IF I GET THE ALL CLEAR FROM AN RE. THAT BEING SAID - WE HAVE RECENTLY BEGUN DISCUSSING FOREGOING AT HOME TRIES AND JUST DOING IN OFFICE IUIs - RIGHT NOW IT LOOKS LIKE WE MAY TRY AT HOME ONCE AND THEN IF NEED BE IN OFFICE IUIs.

THE CWRC SEEMS TO BE VERY GLBT FRIENDLY & EXPERIENCED (we'll see how much so after my consult), THEY TAKE MY INSURANCE (my insurance does cover IUI, meds, diagnostic testing etc...), THEY GAVE ME AN ALMOST IMMEDIATE APPOINTMENT (which is impossible to get form a specialist), THEY ANSWERED MY E-MAIL INQUIRY WITHIN 24HRS (it was an anonymous question about their experiences with families like ours)AND SENT ME A WELCOME/INFO PACKET WHICH I RECEIVED WITHIN 2 DAYS OF CALLING THEM (alot of paperwork that I am not certain I filledout right). I AM FEELING VERY POSITIVE ABOUT MY VISIT WITH THEM. ON THE DOWN SIDE NEW PATIENT CONSULTS ARE ONLY DURING THE DAY AND DAWN WON'T BE ABLE TO MAKE IT - SO I WILL BE FLYING SOLO ON THIS - BUT EVERY APPT AFTER CAN BE MADE FOR LATER IN THE DAY WHEN SHE CAN MAKE IT SO... GLASS HALF FULL.

****UPDATE - I RESCHEDULED MY APPOINTMENT FOR 9/30 WHEN DAWN IS OFF FROM WORK AND CAN COME WITH ME -THIS MAKES ME VERRRRY HAPPY AND LESS SCARED.

A new nephew for Dawn and I

2008-09-04T15:03:00.005-04:00

Meet our new nephew Kyle Joseph, he was born on 8/30/08 at 3:32 pm and weighed a whopping 8.7 and was 21 inch long. He is a big boy and he is ADORABLE.

So now Dawn's parents have 4 grandsons. We have alot of pix but this one has all of them looking cute so here are... David (almost 13) Ethan (15 mths) Ryan (almost 12) and Kyle (2 hrs old)

an alternoute route?

2008-08-25T09:09:00.004-04:00

OK, SO FOR ANY OF YOU WHO ACTUALLY READ THIS, YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT ALL ALONG WE HAVE PLANNED TO USE AN ANONYMOUS DONOR FROM A BANK... HOWEVER, THERE HAS BEEN A LITTLE BIT OF A TWINGE IN THE BACK OF OUR HEADS THE WHOLE TIME THAT IT WOULD BE REALLY NICE IF THERE WAS A FAMILY MEMBER FROM DAWN'S SIDE THAT WOULD AGREE TO BE OUR DONOR. A LOOONG TIME AGO WE HALF HEARTEDLY THOUGHT ABOUT ASKING DAWN'S BROTHER BUT FOR SEVERAL REASONS NEITHER ONE OF US ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT WAS GONNA BE AN ACTUAL POSSIBILITY SO WE NEVER DID. THEN SHE HAS A COUSIN, HE IS SMART AND HANDSOME AND A SWEETHEART - HE IS ALSO ONLY 21 YEARS OLD. I JUST CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT HIM SERIOUSLY, I MEAN, HE HAS ONLY HAD ONE SERIOUS GIRLFRIEND HIS WHOLE LIFE, HE HASN'T EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT HAVING HIS OWN KIDS, EVEN IF HE SAID YES RIGHT NOW - I JUST THINK HIS FEELINGS ON THE SITUATION WOULD BE MUCH DIFFERENT EVEN 5 YEARS FROM NOW - I CAN'T TAKE THE CHANCE AND I CAN'T IN GOOD FAITH ASK SOMEONE WHO IN MY MIND IS STILL A CHILD HIMSELF. SO THAT WAS ALL PRETTY MUCH PUT OUT OF OUR HEADS UNTIL NOW. DAWN'S FATHER IS A TWIN. HER UNCLE IS A GREAT GUY, AND DAWN HERSELF COULD PASS FOR HIS DAUGHTER. HE HAS A DAUGHTER OF HIS OWN - BY MUTUAL BENEFICIAL AGREEMENT - WHO IS AROUND MY AGE FROM HIS FIRST MARRIAGE .

THESE ARE THE MINUSES OF ASKING HIM: HE IS OLDER. HE IS 58 YEARS OLD SO WHO KNOWS IF HE WOULD EVEN BE "UP TO IT", HE IS MARRIED AND HIS WIFE IS CRAZY. I KNOW THAT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE A NICE THINGS TO SAY, AND AS SOMEONE WITH MENTAL ILLNESS IN MY FAMILY LET ME JUST SAY THIS... REALLY, SHE IS CRAZY. SHE HAS A LOT OF PROBLEMS AND FRANKLY I WOULDN'T WANT HER TO KNOW IF HE DID AGREE TO IT. DO YOU THINK IT WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR HIM TO KEEP IT FROM HER? ASIDE FROM HAVING MENTAL PROBLEMS WHEN THEY GOT MARRIED SHE DECIDED TO TTC - SHE WAS IN HER EARLY 40s, IT DIDN'T WORK, THAT IS ALL WE REALLY KNOW. SO IT WELL KNOWN FROM PREVIOUS SITUATIONS THAT EVEN NOW AFTER ALL THESE YEARS SHE DOES NOT REACT WELL TO OTHER PEOPLE HAVING BABIES ANYWAY, IT WOULD BE THAT MUCH WORSE IF SHE KNEW HER HUSBAND HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT - BUT IF WE WERE TO ASK AND HE SAID YES THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT WE WOULD WANT HER TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE BABY OTHER THEN BEING WHAT SHE ALREADY IS TO OUR TWO BOYS, AN AUNT. CAN WE TRUST HIM NOT TO SAY ANYTHING?

THE PLUSES ARE THIS: HE IS DAWN'S DAD'S TWIN FOR GOD'S SAKE - HE LOOKS MORE LIKE DAWN THEN HER OWN BROTHER AND HER FATHER FOR THAT MATTER - HE ALSO NEVER REALLY WANTED KIDS OF HIS OWN SO THERE WOULDN'T BE THE RISK OF HIM GETTING SENTIMENTAL AND WANTED INVOLVEMENT AS A FATHER - WE KNOW HIS HISTORY - HE LIVES CLOSE ENOUGH WHERE IF HE AGREED GETTING HIS "CONTRIBUTION" IN A TIMELY FASHION WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM - THEY ARE MOVING TO TEXAS IN A COUPLE OF YEARS SO EVEN SEEING HIM AND HIS WIFE WOULD BE LIMITED AT THAT POINT. HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN SUPPORTIVE OF DAWN AND I AND WAS PROBABLY THE MOST CONSISTENT IN HIS TREATMENT OF OUR RELATIONSHIP FROM DAY ONE. HE IS THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO HAS NEVER GIVEN A SHIT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS OF HIS DECISIONS AND NOT THAT THIS MATTERS AS MUCH, BUT IT DOES HAVE TO BE SAID... IT WOULD BE CHEAPER.

SO HERE IS WHAT WE NEED HELP WITH... DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD ASK? I MEAN IF HE SAYS NO WE STILL HAVE OUR ORIGINAL PLAN - ALSO, IF WE ASK... HOW DO WE ASK? IF ANY OF YOU HAVE HAD TO ASK SOMEONE... HOW DO YOU DO IT? I AM SURE IT WOULD NOT BE PC TO JUST WALK UP TO HIM AND SAY, "HEY UNCLE ______ , CAN WE HAVE YOUR SPERM?"

HELP?!?!?!?!

Birthday Wishes to... me

2008-08-11T10:46:00.003-04:00

(CUE MUSIC...) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME... OK, YOU GET THE IDEA. I AM 32 TODAY AND LET ME JUST SAY THAT IT ALL FEELS THE SAME AFTER 30. HOPEFULLY BY MY 33RD WE WILL BE PREGNANT AND BUYING A HOUSE. HERE IS TO HAVING THE BEST LAID PLANS ACTUALLY WORK OUT.

I got the Qs... can you help with some As?

2008-07-31T09:27:00.003-04:00

OK, SO WE RECENTLY NARROWED DOWN OUR CHOICES TO A TOTAL OF 4 - THEY ARE NOT ALL FROM THE SAME PLACE - THERE ARE 3 PLACES.

SO QUESTION 1 IS DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY PLACES THAT YOU SUGGEST WE STAY AWAY FROM?

OUR #1 PICK, WHO ON PAPER SEEMS ALMOST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE MAY HAVE TO BE TAKEN OFF THE LIST COMPLETELY B/C IT TURNS OUT THAT HIS PLACE MAY NOT ACTUALLY SHIP TO NY. SO WE ARE WAITING TO HEAR FROM THE PLACE.

SO QUESTION 2 IS... HOW WERE YOUR SHIPPING EXPERIENCES? ANY NIGHTMARES? ANYTHING I SHOULD ASK THAT COULD MAKE OR BREAK THE DEAL?

OUR 2ND CHOICE WHO MAY BE MOVING TO THE #1 SPOT IS NOT WITHOUT PROBLEMS EITHER. ALL HE HAS AVAILABLE ARE IUI SAMPLES. BUT HE SEEMS MORE LIKE US, AND HIS BABY PIC COULD EASILY BE PUT RIGHT NEXT TO DAWN'S AND THEY COULD PASS FOR SIBLINGS.

SO QUESTION 3 IS... CAN YOU USE AN IUI SPECIMEN FOR AN AT HOME ICI ? WHAT ARE THE PROS AND CONS OF TRYING THAT?

WE HAVEN'T REALLY LOOKED INTO THE LAST 2 BECAUSE WE ARE REALLY ATTACHED TO THE FIRST 2. WE ALSO REALLY WANTED TO TRY TO DO THIS AT HOME INSTEAD OF AT A DOCTORS OFFICE BUT WE HAVE A LIMIT AS TO HOW MANY TIMES WE WILL TRY AND (BECAUSE OF A FEW CIRCUMSTANCES) WE WILL ONLY HAVE A WINDOW OF A FEW MONTHS DURING WHICH TO TRY.

SO QUESTION 4 IS HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE ONLY TRIED BUT HAVE BEEN SUCCESSFUL AT HOME? HOW MANY HAVE TRIED BOTH AT HOME AND DOCTOR BUT HAVE ONLY BEEN SUCCESSFUL AT DOCTOR?

A FEW PEOPLE HAVE SUGGESTED THAT WE DOUBLE UP SAMPLES TO INCREASE THE NUMBERS AND OUR CHANCES -

SO QUESTION 5 IS DID ANY OF YOU HEAR THE SAME THING? DID ANY OF YOU TRY IT AND FIND SUCCESS?

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST... ANY ADVICE AT ALL THAT YOU CAN GIVE ABOUT THINGS THAT WE SHOULD LOOK FOR OR ASK ABOUT WHEN DEALING WITH A SPERM BANK WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU EVEN READ THIS - I KNOW I READ ALOT MORE BLOGS THEN I COMMENT ON - BUT ANY HELP WOULD BE HELPFUL.

SO MY LAST QUESTION IS MORE A POLITE REQUEST... CAN YOU SHARE SOME OF YOUR EXPERIENCES WITH US?

THANK YOU ALL FOR EVEN STOPPING BY AND READING THIS - IT IS NICE TO KNOW FROM OUR VISITS TO ALL OF YOUR BLOGS THAT MAYBE WE DO NOT HAVE THE SAME STORY AS YOU ALL BUT THERE IS A PIECE OF US THAT WE CAN RECOGNIZE IN ALL OF YOU AND THAT TAKES AWAY SOME OF THE FEAR AND DOUBTS. ALL OF YOUR STRENGTH AND DETERMINATION AND LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER IS UPLIFTING AND SO IMPORTANT TO US. SO WHILE WE MAY NOT COMMENT MUCH AND DO NOT HAVE THE FRIENDSHIPS THAT SOME OF YOU HAVE CREATED... WE JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU... THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SUCH AMAZING PEOPLE... THANK YOU FOR FIGHTING FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN... FOR BELIEVING IN YOURSELVES AND EACHOTHER... AND FOR SHARING YOURSELVES . ALL OF OUR GOOD THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU ALL NO MATTER WHERE IN YOUR JOURNEY YOU ARE. WE ARE RIGHT BESIDE YOU IN SPIRIT.

update

2008-07-21T14:47:00.003-04:00

FIRST THING FIRST... The Piglet is ok. The doctors gave him the all clear and said the bigger the head the bigger the brain in his case. I hate it when doctors try to be funny.

As for all of us, we are back from our trip and for the most part it all went well. We had a good time but it was wierd in a way when we were in Disney. the last time we were there the boys were so little and now ... well u can see from the picture they are not little anymore. Dawn and I were exhausted by the time we came home. Definitely not as relaxing as an r family cruise would have been. Maybe next Summer right before we ttc. Well, I am back to work and buried up to the eyeballs with work so I am gonna keep this short.

Mixed Emotions

2008-06-26T10:56:00.017-04:00

June 25, 2008 was our 4th wedding anniversary,... yay us!! We have come along way since we got married and it hasn't been easy but it has been soooo worth it. I count myself very lucky to have found someone who gets me as much as she does - and even when she doesn't she loves me anyway.

We have both been a feeling a little "stuck" lately with the whole "gonna ttc" thing so we decided that even though we aren't gonna actually do the actual trying until next Spring/Summer we are gonna pick a donor and buy and store the goods. We are really specific about what we are looking for - basically someone as physically close to Dawn as possible and who shares interests with her and the boys - tall order I am sure but we have found a couple of dudes who actually fit the bill. So I think August we will do a little shop and store. So at least we are ready when able (God knows we are willing)

Anyway, we are going on vacation to Florida very soon and I am totally unprepared. My parents have a summer house down there and we are gonna stay a few days with them at the beginning and a few at the end of our trip, but David went a week ahead. My dad drove down last week, David and my mom flew out yesterday and then Dawn, Ryan and I are following on July 5th. This is the first time David has been away from home for more then a weekend and NEVER out of state without me. Not to mention he and my mom flew without me so I couldn't even talk to him till he landed to see if he was ok. I am sure I am more of a wreck then he is but what can I say, I worry about him. He was doing really well with the Tourettes - it almost seemed to be in "remission" but it is back in full force the last couple of weeks and frankly, I am scared that he may have a really bad time and I won't be there to help. It is the little things that seem to set him off lately - I think puberty is kicking his ass - he goes from acting like a 40 yr old to curling up into a teary eyed 4 yr old. There is not much more I can do for him then I am - doctors, vitamins, patience, love, structure etc... but it kills me that there is nothing that I can do to make it go away - I suffer for him but I would suffer ten thousand fold if it would take it away - I feel helpless - I have to admit, a part of me is scared to pass it on to another baby - even though there is no way to know who he got it from- I am sure there is a good chance on either side and who knows as far as the donor goes - but I am just sick to death over it - I go back and forth in my head but you know, in the end it comes down to I wouldn't take back having David knowing that he has Tourettes so why would I take back wanting to have a baby who even though not made yet is already alive in our minds and hearts.

**** I wrote all of that last Thursday and then edited it today to add what happened Friday and since then****

On Friday my sister took the piglet to his 16 mth Doc appt and called me immediately after hysterical - You see, since he was born there has been some concern about the size of his head - ok, it is a little big, but we all have big heads and my uncles have HUGE heads, so no big concern on our part - but anyway, even though it has been on the higher end of the growth curve it is supposed to be on it has only been a minor concern until now - apparently it jumped off the curve by 2.4 points - so they want my sister to have him have CT scans and MRIs and see a pediatric neurosurgeon - That in itself is horrible and makes me cry even as I sit here to type out the words - I immediately wanted to cancel our trip to which my fiercely pigheaded and stubborn sister said no - she also decided with the urging of my father (which I am torn about) to not tell my mother - my mom has been through ALOT lately and is not well so she feels that until we know more we should not tell her - Fine. It is her decision. So now we wait to see because (thankfully) it was not an emergency situation per the doctors so she has to wait for the referral to go through (her own shitty version of the tww) Now as it stands my parents are both gone and I am leaving Saturday so I hope that I am here for her - none of us will be back until July 16th so I will be sick to death worried about him all the while keeping it from my mom and trying to keep up appearances for the kids - (sorry for the ramble but it just isn't all coming out the way I am thinking it) - This kid is perfectly on track with all his milestones, if not ahead - he is walking and talking and all that good stuff - his face is not misshapen and he hasn't been ill beyond the normal kid stuff - nothing that suggests anything wrong - My poor baby sis is going through some shit right now and I feel helpless to help her or the baby - I am sick with nightmares over this and I feel like I am abandoning her - I have to hear her say she can't live without him and all I want to do is scream and cry, not have to hold it in and tell her everything will be alright when I have no idea whether or not it is the truth - I can't imagine my life without him either but if I close my eyes and search real deep, I know in my heart he is fine - he is just stuck with our big head -but that is not good enough I want her to hear he is fine from that bitch doctor who has no idea how to be sensitive or understanding and has the personality of wet cheese and I want her to say to me that he is fine and I want to get rid of this sick gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.

She had a really rough pregnancy and at one point I even made a deal with God that if He would just let her have a healthy baby I would understand if he never let me have another one, after all, maybe I am selfish for having a 2 children in my family and wanting another one so bad when so many struggle to have just 1 - and so last night I said "That offer still stands God, no take backs, I will still try for Dylan and you can throw whatever you have to at me, just let my sis and the piglet be just fine"

... and now I feel guilty because I know that even saying that out loud sounds sooo bad and is sooo unfair to so many people besides myself, but how many of us find ourselves bargaining with God when we need help? so I am just gonna say this, I have faith that the piglet will be just fine, we all will, and in a few years the piglet and Dylan will be here together running around getting into trouble together - they will be the closest cousins and best friends forever- because I believe that is really what is meant to be. So it sounds a little like a prayer, sue me.

an open letter to my beautiful wife

2008-06-09T12:46:00.004-04:00

Dear Dawn,

I just wanted to tell you how very much I love you. It is funny how for two people who so badly want to have a child together, it took a weekend without the two we have already to find ourselves again. I guess because we are always so busy making sure our kids are taken care of that we forget to take care of ourselves and eachother. You know I am a huge baby when it comes to David being gone but this weekend I was able to put that aside and remember what it is to be a couple rather than just a couple of moms. We have never been a couple without children and so our "honeymoon period" burned hot but fast, it was over almost as quickly as it started and we just jumped right into comfortable. It was nice to just spend some time just being Dawn and Michelle. I know that we will be just fine. I know that I love you more each passing day. I know that even though we have had our tough times (and will continue to do so, like everyone else)we are strong enough to weather the storms and catch the rainbow. We are raising some wonderful boys who they themselves will grow up to be wonderful men and I just want you to know that no matter what I could not have done the job with David myself and I can't imagine my life without Ryan. Whether it all works out or not with trying to get pregnant - we are a complete family already - you me and OUR boys. I love you for everything you are, the good, the bad and the ugly, just like you love me. LOL. I appreciate you for everything you do for me and our kids and for your friendship which has been essential in keeping my sanity. Or at least something that sometimes resembles sanity. I love you my Dawnie - Always and Forever and the day after that.

XOXOX

MICHELLE

Alot learned and alot remembered

2008-05-27T09:01:00.010-04:00

So... we survived (thanks for asking, Kim) For the most part things went very well. Sadly, my nephew suffers from night terrors, they usually only last 10-20 minutes, but after a long day of fun, settling down in an unfamiliar place for the night proved to be hard. The first night was realllllly rough for all of us. He cried hysterically for almost two hours straight. There was nothing Dawn or I could do or say to console him. He sleeps in the bed with my sister at home, and his favorite nap spot is on a pile of pillows in front of the (purely for decoration) fireplace. I went to our living room, made a mock nap spot and layed with him. NOTHING. Dawn tried to help but her voice, being completely from my sisters and mine seemed to almost make it worse, coupled with the fact that the next morning we were on an early drive to PA - I told her to go to bed since she had to be rested to drive. So it was just me and the piglet. Anybody who knows about night terrors knows that for the most part the child is usually asleep while they occur, even if their eyes are open, you are not suppossed to wake them and there is not much you can do except ride it out. So we did - he and I both cried and cuddled and clung to eachother until the worst was over. Funny enough, this is not the first time I have dealt with night terrors, David had them from the ages of 2-5 and he still sleep walks sometimes. My dad also suffered from them and sleepwalking when he was a child. Apparently, this is hereditary. The piglet seems to have gotten them full blast early on - hopefully he will outgrow them.

So... knowing that nights were gonna stress him so bad my dad and I worked out a system after that first night (Saturday) I kept him all day Sunday till 10pm, then he came and got him and took him to my sister's house where he would at least be somewhere familiar, I stayed home from work Monday and kept him from noon till 10pm when my dad took him again and Tuesday I took him from 5pm when I got home from work until my sis got home @ 8 pm. It seemed to work. He had a few episodes at his house but they were ALOT shorter and less traumatizing then the one he had at my house. There was so much I had forgotten about dealing with a baby - I had my moments of tears and asking Dawn how we can possibly do this all over again?!? but we made it through it and when it was over, we missed him terribly and our home didn't feel the same without him. By the end of Tuesday I came to the conclusion that I think we'll be ok.

This Friday - Sunday we went to family camp for the fourth year in a row. It is held in Newton, New Jersey at the Fairview Lake YMCA campground. It is amazing, the people are fantastic and we always have great fun. Ryan hit a bullseye at archery for the first time and David got training so he can run some activities on his own next year. He can't wait to be old enough to apply as a counselor. At 16 he can take a course and at 17 he can work. All in all the last week or so went very well.

AND THEN... The weekend hit a rough patch yesterday. Dawn and I had a really bad fight. As usual it involved the kids and our differences in parenting. I said some things I really started to regret as the worda came out of my mouth and I hope we can get past them. It seems like everytime we take two steps forward we take a huge one back. There are so many things we disagree on when it comes to the kids, I hope that we agree on enough of them to not fuck this all up. I love her with all of my heart and I want this all to work, but I always feel torn between her and David. I don't know how to get past that. I don't think it should ever come down to choosing between your child and your partner, but I can honestly say that most times it feels like that is exactly what they want me to do. Maybe it isn't, maybe it's just me, maybe I have my own issues I need to work out before I can expect anyone else to work on theirs, but I don't think either one of them wants to admit their part in the problem. I feel broken inside.

The make it or break it weekend

2008-05-16T09:15:00.006-04:00

So the piglet is gonna be with us for four days starting Saturday. My sister jokes that the next four days will either seal or break the deal when it comes to wanting to have another baby. See that smile on his face? That is the smile of a kid who is up to no damn good. LOL. Actually, he is a great kid, funny and loving but he does have a temper and he is used to getting away with murder with his mommy. So it should be an interesting few days. His mom and dad never got a honeymoon so they are going to the Dominican Repupblic from Saturday to Tuesday. My poor sister has been crying non-stop since she booked the trip. She has been so sad but I think she needs the break. Her husband works 1 full and 2 part time jobs so she can stay home with the baby and as great as that is, it basically means she has no help at home from him even when he's there. I have been a stay at home mom and a working mom, and in my opinion, even though it is the best feeling in the world to get to be with your baby every minute of the day, it is alot harder physically and emotionally sometimes to stay at home. Luckily, my parents and I visit regularly and help as much as we can, but for a young, newlywed mom, there is nothing like having your partner with you. So she has been running ragged and kind of depressed. I think the trip will giver her and her hubby some time to reconnect and remember what it is like to be a couple as well as a family. I hope she has fun. I am looking forward to spending time with the piglet although I am a little concerned because my sis and I have very different parenting styles and I am worried the differences will stress/piss the piglet off. I am pretty confident we will be ok though. (I hope). On Saturday, per my sis, we are taking the piglet to get a haircut and then Dawn and I are gonna take him to Manhattan to a street fair. On Sunday, Dawn, myself, David, Ryan and the piglet will be heading to Pennsylvania to see Dawn's nephew,Ethan, for his first birthday. It will be fun to see them interact. Then, since we both have work Monday and Tuesday, my parents will watch him while we are at work and then we will take him back - funny how they got out of watching him at night, huh? We bought our own car seat and baby gate and are gonna tighten up the house and piglet proof it as much as possible.

All this planning for a few days of babysitting has gotten me thinking alot about having Dylan. I was basically home with David or took him to work with me until he was almost 4 yrs old. Dawn was in the same situation with Ry until he was 3. Both Dawn and I would always choose to stay home if we could but I know this time around we are not going to be able to do that. So we are gonna try and plan to have Dylan close enough to Summer so I can take my 6 wks at the same time as Dawn takes hers , then I can take another 2 by myself, with her not far away, she works across the street from our house and then when I go back to work she'll be home for the Summer. But that leaves us in a situation that scares the hell out of me... finding childcare for a baby under 5 months. I don't even know where to begin to try and get my mind around the idea. I know I am getting way ahead of myself in worrying since right now as far as we've gone in this ttc process is to narrow down our donor choices ( I think we are gonna purchase now and store for later since we are looking for very specific donor qualities that we may not find later) This whole plan, by the way, gives us a tiny window of opportunity to even ttc because we need to get the timing right for it to work. HOLY SHIT!!! I just stresses myself out.

So back to my point... the next few days will put us to the test at dealing with a baby together for more than a night. I know that sometimes we both worry about how it will work for us when we try to do this toghether. I know sometimes we are both scared about whether or not it will bring us even closer together as a family or tear us apart as a couple. Even if we don't say it aloud, I know the concerns are there. With one failed marriage behind us each, sometimes I worry if the end will justify the means. All the time I know that sometimes the very things we want the most are the things that are the hardest to hold onto once we have them.

Well, I am just a freaking ray of sunshine aren't I? Hope you all have a great weekend and that you are all less burdened by these maddening "what ifs" than I am.

much luv and success to all

Michelle

Taking it all off

2008-04-21T10:56:00.008-04:00

...the weight that is...

I have never been a skinny Minnie except when I was like 14 yrs old and anorexic. (but that is a whole other thing and I would never want to be there again) but this is nuts. I am the heaviest I have ever been including when I was pregnant with David who was a fairly big baby measuring in at 8lbs 5oz, 20 1/2 inch long at 42 1/2 weeks. I gained over 60lbs with him just between the 5th month and delivery. Since then I have struggled with losing weight (although about 6 yrs ago I lost over 40) - It is a vicious cycle - For the most part I never look my weight so I just keep going but for the first time I looked in the mirror and saw every ounce looking back at me. Something has got to give.

So today is the first day of my diet. Dawn is gonna diet right along with me although she will be done ALOT sooner than I. She only has like 15 maybe 20lbs to lose. I won't tell you how much I need to lose because I don't even believe it when I hear it myself but let's just say I expect I am in this or the long haul and I am looking at at least a year before I am at least most of the way there. That's ok. I just want to lose as much as I can so that I am at a safer weight for next Summer when we try insemination for the first time. My health isn't bad but my weight is and there are a few issues that should be addressed before I try and carry a baby. Not to mention, I feel like shit lately. I am very depressed about how big I have gotten and disgusted with myslef for taking so long to address it. So I am gonna take it all off and then be able to put some back on a few months later when we get pregnant, safely and in a healthy way.

I am thinking positive thoughts all the way through to the end. In the meantime we will try to be patient and know that every pound I lose is one baby step forward.

Nephewisms

2008-03-31T14:11:00.003-04:00

This is Dirk. This is Dirk in his toy box. What you don't see is the entire room covered in toys after Dirk climbed in the box and pulled all the toys out. The face is because his mom just caught him. What you don't hear is me laughing my butt off as I see this pic for the first time.

This is Ethan. Ethan was just screaming his head off because he is tired but doesn't want to go to bed... can you blame him... he is now firmly in the grip of his Aunt Dawn. Ethan lives in Pennsylvania and we hardly ever get to see him so Dawn believes he should never sleep when we are around. I am sure his parents were thrilled when we left because even though they love us and would love to see us more often, we totally screw up his schedule when we are around. What are Aunts for ?? He is the cutest lil' thumbsucker I have ever seen.

So, as you well know, Dirk likes to sit in things. This was his Easter basket it is now his personal butt basket. Never mind that he has a brand new, very expensive, very cushy recliner that his mommy and daddy bought him for his birthday (that he stands on) his butt prefers the comfort of the wicker basket.

Baby Recliner $100
Wicker basket $13
Cost of seeing the look on my sister's face when she realizes she should have listened to me and held off on the expensive recliner she bought for the baby's 1st birthday... PRICELESS

a pic is worth a thousand words...or one...LOVE

2008-03-19T14:44:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to share this pic of our nephew, Dirk (my sis' baby) who just turned 1 and his dog. This is one of the reasons I can't wait to have another baby.

Bitter? Table for 1?

2008-03-17T11:41:00.008-04:00

Babies, Babies and more Babies...... they are everywhere. Dawn has like 3 or 4 teachers at her job that are expecting and her sis in law (the one that tried for @5 years and finally had a baby last May through in-vitro) is expecting again in August, did I mention her son won't be 1 yr old till May (and this time no help needed, she wasn't even trying!!!) I am really trying to be happy for everyone, and I am, but there is this little layer of jealousy that just mixes in with the happiness and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I don't know what is going on with me. Usually I am the one to turn to Dawn and be like "baby, be nice, be happy for them, we'll have our turn" Well, excuse me for the next few words but... Screw that shit... I am tired of all the smiles and comforting words we have to give out and I am done with baby showers and shopping for other people's babies. Now wait a minute... I know what some of you are gonna say... so if (I) we feel this way why don't we get off our asses and start the process already. The answer is because just because (I) we feel this way does not make me feel any better about the timing.

There are still a few things we have yet to work out - mainly my weight - I REALLLLLY have to lose weight and alot of it. Dawn is always telling me how beautiful I am and how much she loves me and she wants to support me in whatever I want to do etc etc etc but she is I have done a million and 1 diets and they have all worked for a little while but then the weight comes flying back on. I was never skinny (except for a torrid affair with anorexia from the ages of 12 - 14) but I was soooo much smaller when I had David. I am scared to even try to get pregnant at this size. (If we played guess my weight, you could never guess) But to be honest, it is a vicious cycle, the more depressed I get about my weight, the more weight I put on, I have tried little things but none work, I have even considered the Lap Band but when I mentioned it to my doctor, she made it quite clear she would not sign off on it. So a week from today I will throw myself back into the land of dieters and try my damndest to get myself into better shape. I hope that maybe if I feel better physically, mentally will follow and if not then at least I will be a thinner, healthier crazy person. LOL.

Forget baby steps, we're at a sloooooooow crawl

2008-02-04T09:54:00.001-05:00

So just a quick "hello" and update for everyone. While we continue to oooh and ahhh over every single cute baby or baby thing we see, we are still firm on our decision to put things off for awhile. Not forever, just awhile. We just moved it by a year, from this upcoming Summer to next. I think we just need this time to iron out a few details and get our heads together. Like I have always said, we, like our boys, are complete polar opposites. So, we are gonna use this time to remember and bask in all of the things we have in common and work on compromises regarding all baby/child related things that we are on opposite sides of the fence on. Ok, maybe not all, but as many as we can, so that when others come up we can have the tools we need to work through them together.

On March 14 we will be celebrating 9 years together and there is no one I would rather have spent those years with then my beautiful wife and our beautiful and amazing boys. It seems like watching all of you go through your ttc experiences has only brought us closer to the beginning of our journey. That sounds strange I know, escpecilly since we are delayed, but it does makes sense. I think that when we finally were both on the same page about wanting a baby together, we just jumped really quickly. We talked about having a baby but we never really talk talked about our feelings or fears about having a baby together, as two women, raising two boys together but seperately. We each have our strengths and our weaknesses and our very strong but mostly different opinions about our parenting styles. What I mean to say is while we are raising them together, because they were already 2 and 3 and each of us already had one marriage behind us when we got together we already were quite set in our ways and for the most part have continued to be so. It is only now that they are 11 and 12 and we are planning another that we are really aware of this. While I think for the most part we are gonna remain slightly "united but divided" on the boys, I am optomistic we will be able to raise a new baby as a united front if we use this time wisely.

I know a lot of people have said to just do it and things will work themselves out... I just think that we have to work things out and then do it. For all our sakes. Following your stories, your joys, your sorrows, your most intimate of thoughts and fears has made it easier for us to face ours and to so so together. Knowing we are not alone, seeing a bit of each of you in ourselves, has given us the strength to come together and talk, yell or cry it out until it was all out on the table with nothing left to do but deal with it.

So I thank you all and wish you all love and happiness and lots of dreams come true. In the meantime, we will continue to try and be patient... with both of us holding on a little too long when we are with our nephews, misting up at the sight of our pregnant family members, fighting (almost) every urge to buy baby things and counting the days till we both feel ready (or at least as ready as we'll ever be).

2007-11-07T10:19:00.000-05:00

Sorry we haven't posted in awhile.

Secondly, we would just like to let everyone know that we are postponing our plans for a little while - so we won't really post till then. In the meantime, we would like to wish everyone lots of luv, luck and baby dust.

Baby Steps forward

2007-08-31T09:55:00.000-04:00

Ok so it's been a really long time since I have posted. Things have been a little hectic in our everyday lives so I haven't had much to say that wouldn't bore everyone to death. But for the sake of catching everyone up on the exciting life we live here we go...

We have been busy preparing for our nephews' Baptisms and getting our boys ready to go back to school. David has started practices for football again (3x a week) so we have been spending most of our time sitting at the field. I started classes again last week. So much to do so very little time.

On the quest for baby front, because there really doesn't seem like there is much for us to do right now I, with Dawn showing me one stitch, have begun to crochet a baby blanket. It is coming along fairly well and I figure even if I never learn to make anything else, at least I know our future baby will never be cold. As soon as I can I will take a picture of it so you can all see my slow but steady progress. But first you all have to promise not to laugh. Not sure if I mentioned it previously or not but awhile back I went to a new OB/GYN and she said all is well and said since we were still just planning to try the one thing we could do was start me on prenatals - I HATE vitamins - I think I have only ever liked flintstones vitamins. But what the hell, I went online and ordered two 300 count bottles of CVS prenatal vitamins - which came out to a measly $20 and have been taking them religiously every night for about a week. Any step, no matter how small, is a step in the right direction.

We have been spending alot of time with my 6 month old nephew and I just have to say for the record, I love every minute of time we do but every now and then when we have him and he cries I panic, I think to myself, can we really do this again? Most of the time though the question sounds more like " HOLY SHIT can I really do this again? What do I remember about taking care of a baby?" but then he puts his head against my chest or snuggles up to Dawn and I remember why I want this again. Yeah it is true that my baby is almost 12 and Dawn's is almost 11 and we have probably gotten a little rusty over the years but I know that somehow we will pull it together and be just fine.

*** a special shout out, all our love and downpour of super sticky baby dust to Kim & M who will be trying again real soon.

Baby Beluga in the Deep Blue Sea...

2007-08-07T12:20:00.000-04:00

We had an excellent weekend. We had so much fun with Alexa being around. We went to Mystic Aquarium and it was a blast. She behaved very well and seeing the boys with her made my heart ache for the day when we can give them a sibling. She is in the middle of being potty trained but went the entire weekend without an accident (including the 5 hours we spent driving back and forth) It was very sad to send her back. When she did go back David decided to go with her and spend the night at their dad's. Thankfully, the night went without incident and he had a really good time. Dawn and I hope and pray that their dad and his wife get their act together. David has suffered so much pain and disappointment from them, he could use the break. Anyway, when he came home yesterday I asked how things were during his visit. Well, he said Alexa was a totally different kid. He said she threw tantrums and hit and pooped in her underwear and even peed on the floor. He said when he told his dad and her mom that she was not like that when she was with us they told him they knew. He said Alexa got upset anytime his dad and her mom tried to talk - pushing them away from each other and throwing a fit. It breaks my heart to hear that she is having such a hard time in her home. I wish there was something I could do. I am just so afraid if I say anything they will stop her from visiting again and the little bit of a break she does get away from the chaos of her life will be taken away. Part of me curses the day I ever let myself get involved and the rest of me suffers for the life she is going to have if they don't get their shit straight.

Alexa

2007-08-03T12:22:00.000-04:00

This is a picture of David, Ryan and Alexa around Christmas 2006. Alexa is my son's sister from his father. She will be 3 years old this month. We love this little girl. She is spending the weekend with us. I am torn. David's dad is not the most responsible man in the world and even though he has gotten better he still keeps making really bad decisions. He and his wife both have bad habits and Alexa falls to the wayside. When we first found out they were having a baby we all went through changes... Especially David - In the beginning I refused to even hold her because frankly, I was afraid to get involved - Well, when she was about 4 1/2 months old at David's birthday party, her mother shoved her in my arms and made a mad dash for a cigarette break - it was instant love. I could not look into her face and not see some part of my son - even though they don't look alike. She loves spending time with us and there were times when one or the other of her parents called me to come get her because things were really bad at home. I even had a situation where the police asked me to take her because neither of her parents was capable at the time. I always had to give he back.

As David has gotten older, he has become more adamant about not being around his father's wife. They split for awhile and he moved to his mother's - so David did not find it necessary to even have to go there at all.. She failed to see that it is because of her and his father's behavior... she decided that she was going to punish us by keeping Alexa from coming over. She missed our 'family' camping trip this year because of it and there have been many times that she has climbed into my car, buckled in and begged me to let her come to my house. There has even been a few times where she has come with her dad to bring David home and refused to leave. Well, they are back together and moving upstate, about an hour away from us, so Alexa is spending the weekend with us while they move. I am torn. We all miss her so much and can't wait to see her but then we have to give her back. So broken hearts all around all over again.

How do I love her... how could I not?

2007-08-01T09:08:00.000-04:00

Just so everyone is totally clear on this... I absolutely love Dawn. She loves me in a way that I never even thought was possible. If I had to relive every painful moment I have ever gone through in my life (and there have been many really really painful times) all over again to meet her - I would... in a heartbeat. I always liked guys and girls growing up - even though my first experience with a woman was at 17 - But I never wanted to be in a relationship with a woman because in my mind it seemed impossible to have children with a woman - I had my little flings with them but never more then that - when I met Dawn my life changed in an instant. I am not the kind of person to get close to someone right away - I hate crowds and am not a the kind of person who has ever strayed from my little circle of friends - When I was walking down the stairs and she said hello, I looked up and something just clicked. She was cute in her scrubs and bleached- blonde- hair cleaning kiddie furniture but it wasn't that - but it wasn't that - I had to get to know her and went out of my way to become friends with her. We became almost inseparable.

I was going through a divorce and had my "friends" on the side and as far as I knew she was straight as can be with her own "friends" on the side - she knew all of my interests and we talked about everything. When I realized that I was having feelings for her I panicked... I was so afraid that she would figure it out and get freaked out. I thought for sure I would lose having her in my life so I kept telling her how much she was not my type (even tried to hook her up with a few of my male friends). I figured if I said it enough and got her involved with someone she would feel safe and I would be able to keep my head clear of anything romantic with her and we could at least be friends. (of course I had no idea she had a thing for me)

I won't get into details but those few months when I was falling head over heels in love with her and actively trying to push her into other people's arms while pursuing my own dalliances was one of the hardest times in my life - I had never been more fucked up in the head - (to find out later that what we did to each other and ourselves during that time was completely uncalled for and just plain ass backwards) - Anyway, shortly after we got together, I knew I was hooked for life - not even the idea of having to give up having more children was enough to make me want to be without his woman. Although I never gave up hope.

Now that we are on our way to adding to our little family I can not even express how happy I am... but if things don't happen as we want... My life is already complete the way it is. Dawn is my best friend, my biggest supporter, the kick in my ass when I need it (whether I want it or not. lol.) She has stuck by me through it all. Even when it seemed like I was losing hope, she had enough for the two of us. I have always said and firmly believe that my life started when I had my son (at 19) but our life wasn't truly complete until we met the rest of our family in August of 1998. A baby would just make it all that much better.

Tagged by my own wife....(Dawn posting)

2007-07-27T14:49:00.001-04:00

I got tagged to write a me-me. I have never been tagged before, leave it to Michelle to be the one to do it... anyway, here it goes...me trying to force my "on summer vacation" brain to think.
The rules: Let others know who tagged you. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. Players should tag 8 other people and tell them they’ve been tagged.

1. On 8-24-98, not knowing why, I am drawn to a beautiful woman outside my job. I uncharacteristically said "HI" to a complete stranger and struck up a conversation. We became fast friends and six months later "more than friends". So technically when Michelle says I made the first move, she's right.

2. Michelle is the only woman I have ever been with or consciously ever wanted to be with.

3. I absolutely hated school when I was a kid. Cut class alot in high school and college. I was on the 5 1/2 year program in college. Who would have thought I'd be a teacher!! 8 years and counting...(How long before I can retire???!!! LOL)

4. Slightly addictive personality when it comes to Hostess cupcakes. OK honestly...addicted when it comes to cupcakes, donuts, starbucks, chocolate, michelle, diet pepsi, tabloids...maybe not in that order...GOD I NEED HELP!!

5. CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE DYLAN!!!!!!!!! Deep inside I always knew but it took me a long time to really admit that I wanted a baby with Michelle and get past my "no biological connection" issue (OK still a little concerned about it) but I've moved on and now I'm Dylan obsessed. I can't wait to be a family of five.

6. OH YEAH...I forgot one of my addictions...REALITY TV. Amazing Race, Big Brother, Next top model, Hell's kitchen, American Idol, So you think u can dance...you name it, I'll watch it.

7. I am a HUGE procrastinator when it comes to ...UMMMM...EVERYTHING. But ask anyone, I always pull it together at the last second. Don't know how but I do.

8. I LOVE MY FAMILY AND MY CRAZY IMPERFECT LIFE MORE THAN I HAVE EVER LOVED ANYTHING!! I WOULDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT IT AND I LOOK FORWARD TO EVERY TWIST AND TURN OUR JOURNEY TAKES US ON... OK HITTING LOTTO WOULDN'T HURT!!!!

I've been tagged by eggdropblogger AND ajs4ever

2007-07-25T08:44:00.000-04:00

I got tagged to write a me-me. I have never been tagged before so here goes my bestest effort.

The rules: Let others know who tagged you. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. Players should tag 8 other people and tell them they’ve been tagged.

1. Dawn and I met working in the same daycare while both going through divorces.

2. Even though I never wanted more then a fling when it came to women I fell in love with Dawn hard and fast - before we were even together.

3. I am a huge tinkerbell fan - (hold your laughter)

4. I appear to be a hard ass most of the time - but I am a big mush on the inside (but don't tell anybody)

5. I have known I liked girls since I was about 4 years old when I had a crush on my babysitter who looked like wonderwoman to me - I was obsessed with wonderwoman.

6. I was a cheerleader in elementary school and highschool... need I say more?

7. I am addicted to blogging and reading other's blogs - even though I don't leave comments often.

8. I am excited about trying to have another baby but I am also scared to death about it.

Ok- so this may actually be cheating but I am gonna tag my beautiful wife... lol... your turn, Dawn.

If patience is a virtue... then I am virtually virtueless

2007-07-23T10:05:00.000-04:00

There has to be something we should be doing. I know we decided that we are gonna try to get pregnant next summer and we were not gonna start charting until January but what the hell !!!! I am a woman obsessed. I can not stop thinking about it. I feel like there should be something we should be doing. Any suggestions? We've read a million books and talked about all the details. We decided we are gonna re-do the boys' room by Christmas so we (ok I) won't feel guilty when we have to get the little room ready for a baby.

This past Saturday we went to visit Dawn's brother, sis-in-law and new nephew. He is soooo cute. I watched David with him. He was great!! He actually pulled me aside and asked if he could hold him for awhile. He brought his own camera and took lots of pics of the baby and everyone with the baby. I have hope that the cruise may have given him the extra little baby boost he is gonna need when we tell them about our plans. Ryan on the other hand is the same always, laid back and pretty much go with the flow kid he always is... but still, I wonder if maybe we shouldn't worry about him at least a little.

For some reason, when I see Dawn's nephew I get really sad and anxious about us having a baby - when I see my nephew I don't. She asked me why yesterday, I didn't have an answer... but I have been sitting here thinking about it all morning and I guess maybe seeing everybody in her family ooohing and ahhhing over him makes me just a little sad/scared thinking about whether or not they will do the same for ours. I don't have that fear when it comes to my family but I am still a little scared that we won't get the same love and acceptance from her family. What's that saying... Once bitten, twice shy? I wish I could shake this feeling but somehow I can't and then I relive all that crappy rejection I felt from them in the beginning, then I feel guilty about still feeling that way so many years later, then I just feel worse about the whole thing. What the hell?!?! Insecurity has always been one of my biggest problems.

Anyway, Ryan is in Tennessee for a few days with his dad and David started football daycamp today. Dawn is home by herself and I am at work (ok so I am hardly working, but I am still here). The weather is awful. Raining and cold and depressing. The kind of day I wish I was home curled up under the blankets with my beautiful wife. Oh well. It's Monday so I'll just start the countdown to the weekend.

Cruise Withdrawal

2007-07-16T12:18:00.000-04:00

It's all over. All that waiting and waiting and now the cruise is over. It was wonderful. I mean like with everything there were a few disappointments but overall it was FANTASTIC!! We (David and I) had a little sea sickness and (Dawn and Ryan) a lot of sunburn but it didn't matter too much in comparison to how much fun we had. I have to admit what everyone says is true - the best part of the cruise is the people. We met so many wonderful people that there were a few tears shed on the last day when we had to leave such a happy and loving atmosphere. The kids made friends that will hopefully last a lifetime - David even exchanged phone numbers with Rosie's son Parker. The entertainment was excellent, food was pretty good, staff phenomenal...and on and on and on. Dawn had a little luck in the casino which was great when it came down to payin that bill - but who can put a price on those kind of memories. We were totally stoked about meeting Kim and M - they were as wonderful as they seem in their blog - just sorry we couldn't spend more time together. Maybe next time? We really didn't plan on doing another cruise yet - Mexico is during a bad time school wise and well we can drive to Canada and New England - but after the great time we had we may just be seeing everyone next Summer afterall - If all goes well - we'll go on the July 2008 Cruise and then come home and make a baby.

"R" Family here we come

2007-07-06T10:59:00.000-04:00

...and we're off. Tomorrow we leave for our cruise. We are so excited to meet all the families on board and to get away from our everyday lives for a little fun in the sun. I'm sure I'll have lots to write about when we get back.

Why is getting ready for a vacation so stressful?

2007-07-03T08:28:00.000-04:00

I hate packing for a trip. I am an absolute freak when it comes to leaving things for last minute. I have to be either right on time or early. It completely drives me nuts if it even looks like we are gonna be late. I am a planner. Dawn, on the other hand is always late or at least on her way to being late. However, I can not lie, when it comes to working under pressure, she is phenomenal!! She just graduated with her Masters with a 4.0, and there is not one assignment that she didn't leave for the night before. She is the same way with packing. As I sit at work panicking about what needs to be packed she has probably not even given it a thought. In the end she'll pull it together and help me through it.

I know that with this whole baby making thing it will be the same way. Next Summer seems so far away to me - like it will never get here but yet at the same time I worry that when it does we won't be prepared. I sit around reading (and writing) blogs and doing research about the whole thing feeling like I should be doing something more. She holds me together. She tells me it will be ok and that when it is our turn good things will happen. I sit and worry about every little thing and stress every possible outcome. She just tells me how much she loves me and how there are no doubts in her mind that all our dreams will come true. When it's crunch time she will be there last minute to pick up the pieces that my panic has caused. I am a great planner, she is great at executing the plans I've laid. Together I think we are gonna make it through every trip we take, be it on a boat or down the path towards having a baby together.

Cruising with "R" Family

2007-06-29T09:48:00.000-04:00

We are so excited... We are going on the 7/07/07 "r" family cruise. Just a little bit over a week left. When we booked this cruise back in April we were excited for many reasons. It was originally going to Bermuda which none of us had ever been to before... ummmm.... not any more thanks to the homophobic religious zealots of Bermuda that decided they were gonna protest if we came. OK so the most important reason for this cruise was for our boys to meet more families like ours. Another reason, we have not told them about us wanting to have another child.

My son, David, has a very mild form of tourettes (just facial and body tics, not audible) and it gets worse with stress. I won't get into the details, but his relationship with his dad has not been a healthy one. He has an almost 3 yr old sister from his dad who he loves very much but hardly sees. There have been a lot of stresses that have triggered his tics and most have involved his father in one way or the other but for the most part he does not adjust well to change. He is a child of habit and structure. There has been so much change in his life already but the one thing that has remained his constant has been me. We are very close and even though he is this big (5'2, 106lb, 11 1/2 yr old) tough kid who to everyone else acts as if he is going on 30, he is the same kid who will still hold my hand in public and kiss me in front of his friends. He is the football player all big and bad in his equipment who turns to me from the line and blows me a kiss before the game. He is the blackbelt (going on his 2nd) who has a Mariah Carey song on his cell phone because I used to sing it to him when he was a baby. He is the kid who roots for the underdog and helps those less fortunate. He is the defender of the weak and yet he probably needs more defending then the most. Funny how those who appear to be the strongest sometimes need the most help. Dawn would say that's me exactly. I am the one that gets all the phone calls for advice and help but the last one to ask for help myself... I hate it when she's right.

Anyway, even though Dawn and I have raised the boys together for all these years it was those first 3 before we met that made it seem like it was me and him against the world. Needless to say, Dawn and I are afraid he will not take it well. He loves kids and is wonderful with them but we both have this fear that something as big as another baby (especially one that I will carry) will be too much for him. Our biggest fear is the choices we would have to make about our journey if his mental health is at risk because of it. We have decided to tell them about 3 months before we first inseminate. I figure it will give us enough time to let him try and adjust and just in case things change we won't have told him for nothing. Ryan on the other hand appears to be so small and fragile next to David but he is easy going and easily adapts to change. His only requirement for happiness is just being. He has no siblings and a really good relationship with his dad. Ryan has been lucky. We think he will be fine.

So anyway, we hope that will all the different types of families on board the boys, especially David, will find comfort in everyone's differences and the fact that families really do come in all different shapes, sizes and colors. So while this vacation will be welcome as just as vacation, it can actually turn out to be life changing for us. So here is hoping that everything we have heard about this cruise is true and more.

And Dylan will make 5

2007-06-28T12:50:00.000-04:00

This is where we begin... again. My name is Michelle, 30. My wife, Dawn, 36, and I have been together since March 1999. We each have a son from our previous lives (aka the ex-husbands). We met while we were both working at the same daycare. We were both seperated from our husbands and on our way to divorces. We became instant friends. It turned out that we had lived within @ 15 blocks of eachother for over 10 years, Dawn hung out with all the older siblings of my friends she even graduated highschool with the older sister of my best friend since 2nd grade... yet we had never met. After hanging together all the time even spending weekends together with our kids, I realized I had some more than friends feelings for her. I had always been attracted to both men and women and had told Dawn this in the beginning of our friendship so she would not be freaked out if she heard anything from anyone else ... Dawn had never been involved with women and had indicated to me she was straight. After a night of partying and the babysitter (my sister) not wanting to get off Dawn's couch when we returned, I found myself having to share a bed with Dawn - needless to say - we have been together since. She will disagree about who made the first move but I am just glad that someone (Dawn) did.

It was not so bad telling my family. My dad said he always knew I had "a wide variety of tastes" my mom asked me if it was because she didn't dress girly enough (lol) and then was tortured for awhile thinking that I got married and had my son to try and fit in... I don't think she understood how I could have loved a man then went effortlessly to loving a woman... She said she was surprised it was me (sorry sis) but was fine after that. You can't spit in my family(my mom's side) without hitting a gay man (even though it was not until after I came out that it became ok to talk about things like that), I am the only lesbian (that we know of). Dawn's family had a harder time with our relationship. There is a shortage of gays in her family and I think they felt that I had corrupted her in some way, her dad went so far as to say we were both lonely because of our failed marriages and it would pass, her mom wouldn't even talk to me for awhile. I went from being welcome in their home to being a stranger again. It broke my heart and even though her family and I have made ammends and they have gone out of their way to make me feel like their daughter and my son their grandson, I think that it will always make me cry when I think about it.

Since our kids had been together since they were 2 and 3 yrs old, we never really thought we had to go into too much detail about our relationship. We decided we wanted to get married - we explained it to our kids, to my surprise my son was a little pissed because he felt that somehow we had lied to him. After about an hour for him to cool off and a 2 hr talk, he was fine. We had a commitment ceremony on 6/25/04 with our sons giving us away. We were surrounded by our family and friends and I can honestly say aside from the day I gave birth to my son, it was the happiest day of my life. Our boys are now 10 and 11 yrs old.

After many years of discussion, we decided last year that within a few years we would like to have a baby together. As soon as we had this little secret between the two of us EVERYBODY we knew was pregnant. Including my sister and her childhood- boyfriend- turned- fiance who had not been trying and Dawn's brother and his wife who unknown to us had been trying for years. We put the details of our baby planning on hold for awhile and focussed fully on planning my sister's wedding and baby showers for both preggies. Both babies, our nephews and soon to be Godsons, are here now and we can move forward with some planning of our own.

We can hardly wait so as of right now we have moved our start date to next Summer. Let me just say, having had my son the conventional way, I had no idea how much work was going to go into this and all the different things we have to learn (bbt and cm charting, IUI, ICI, etc...) and how expensive it is all going to be. So we decided to give ourselves some time to pull it all together. We have bought some little baby stuff along the way and we have names picked out... Dylan Rylee for a girl and Dylan Riley for a boy... so now all we need is Dylan and then we will be 5.