Sorry we haven't posted in awhile.

Secondly, we would just like to let everyone know that we are postponing our plans for a little while - so we won't really post till then. In the meantime, we would like to wish everyone lots of luv, luck and baby dust.

Baby Steps forward

Ok so it's been a really long time since I have posted. Things have been a little hectic in our everyday lives so I haven't had much to say that wouldn't bore everyone to death. But for the sake of catching everyone up on the exciting life we live here we go...

We have been busy preparing for our nephews' Baptisms and getting our boys ready to go back to school. David has started practices for football again (3x a week) so we have been spending most of our time sitting at the field. I started classes again last week. So much to do so very little time.

On the quest for baby front, because there really doesn't seem like there is much for us to do right now I, with Dawn showing me one stitch, have begun to crochet a baby blanket. It is coming along fairly well and I figure even if I never learn to make anything else, at least I know our future baby will never be cold. As soon as I can I will take a picture of it so you can all see my slow but steady progress. But first you all have to promise not to laugh. Not sure if I mentioned it previously or not but awhile back I went to a new OB/GYN and she said all is well and said since we were still just planning to try the one thing we could do was start me on prenatals - I HATE vitamins - I think I have only ever liked flintstones vitamins. But what the hell, I went online and ordered two 300 count bottles of CVS prenatal vitamins - which came out to a measly $20 and have been taking them religiously every night for about a week. Any step, no matter how small, is a step in the right direction.

We have been spending alot of time with my 6 month old nephew and I just have to say for the record, I love every minute of time we do but every now and then when we have him and he cries I panic, I think to myself, can we really do this again? Most of the time though the question sounds more like " HOLY SHIT can I really do this again? What do I remember about taking care of a baby?" but then he puts his head against my chest or snuggles up to Dawn and I remember why I want this again. Yeah it is true that my baby is almost 12 and Dawn's is almost 11 and we have probably gotten a little rusty over the years but I know that somehow we will pull it together and be just fine.

*** a special shout out, all our love and downpour of super sticky baby dust to Kim & M who will be trying again real soon.

Baby Beluga in the Deep Blue Sea...

We had an excellent weekend. We had so much fun with Alexa being around. We went to Mystic Aquarium and it was a blast. She behaved very well and seeing the boys with her made my heart ache for the day when we can give them a sibling. She is in the middle of being potty trained but went the entire weekend without an accident (including the 5 hours we spent driving back and forth) It was very sad to send her back. When she did go back David decided to go with her and spend the night at their dad's. Thankfully, the night went without incident and he had a really good time. Dawn and I hope and pray that their dad and his wife get their act together. David has suffered so much pain and disappointment from them, he could use the break. Anyway, when he came home yesterday I asked how things were during his visit. Well, he said Alexa was a totally different kid. He said she threw tantrums and hit and pooped in her underwear and even peed on the floor. He said when he told his dad and her mom that she was not like that when she was with us they told him they knew. He said Alexa got upset anytime his dad and her mom tried to talk - pushing them away from each other and throwing a fit. It breaks my heart to hear that she is having such a hard time in her home. I wish there was something I could do. I am just so afraid if I say anything they will stop her from visiting again and the little bit of a break she does get away from the chaos of her life will be taken away. Part of me curses the day I ever let myself get involved and the rest of me suffers for the life she is going to have if they don't get their shit straight.

Alexa

This is a picture of David, Ryan and Alexa around Christmas 2006. Alexa is my son's sister from his father. She will be 3 years old this month. We love this little girl. She is spending the weekend with us. I am torn. David's dad is not the most responsible man in the world and even though he has gotten better he still keeps making really bad decisions. He and his wife both have bad habits and Alexa falls to the wayside. When we first found out they were having a baby we all went through changes... Especially David - In the beginning I refused to even hold her because frankly, I was afraid to get involved - Well, when she was about 4 1/2 months old at David's birthday party, her mother shoved her in my arms and made a mad dash for a cigarette break - it was instant love. I could not look into her face and not see some part of my son - even though they don't look alike. She loves spending time with us and there were times when one or the other of her parents called me to come get her because things were really bad at home. I even had a situation where the police asked me to take her because neither of her parents was capable at the time. I always had to give he back.

As David has gotten older, he has become more adamant about not being around his father's wife. They split for awhile and he moved to his mother's - so David did not find it necessary to even have to go there at all.. She failed to see that it is because of her and his father's behavior... she decided that she was going to punish us by keeping Alexa from coming over. She missed our 'family' camping trip this year because of it and there have been many times that she has climbed into my car, buckled in and begged me to let her come to my house. There has even been a few times where she has come with her dad to bring David home and refused to leave. Well, they are back together and moving upstate, about an hour away from us, so Alexa is spending the weekend with us while they move. I am torn. We all miss her so much and can't wait to see her but then we have to give her back. So broken hearts all around all over again.

How do I love her... how could I not?

Just so everyone is totally clear on this... I absolutely love Dawn. She loves me in a way that I never even thought was possible. If I had to relive every painful moment I have ever gone through in my life (and there have been many really really painful times) all over again to meet her - I would... in a heartbeat. I always liked guys and girls growing up - even though my first experience with a woman was at 17 - But I never wanted to be in a relationship with a woman because in my mind it seemed impossible to have children with a woman - I had my little flings with them but never more then that - when I met Dawn my life changed in an instant. I am not the kind of person to get close to someone right away - I hate crowds and am not a the kind of person who has ever strayed from my little circle of friends - When I was walking down the stairs and she said hello, I looked up and something just clicked. She was cute in her scrubs and bleached- blonde- hair cleaning kiddie furniture but it wasn't that - but it wasn't that - I had to get to know her and went out of my way to become friends with her. We became almost inseparable.

I was going through a divorce and had my "friends" on the side and as far as I knew she was straight as can be with her own "friends" on the side - she knew all of my interests and we talked about everything. When I realized that I was having feelings for her I panicked... I was so afraid that she would figure it out and get freaked out. I thought for sure I would lose having her in my life so I kept telling her how much she was not my type (even tried to hook her up with a few of my male friends). I figured if I said it enough and got her involved with someone she would feel safe and I would be able to keep my head clear of anything romantic with her and we could at least be friends. (of course I had no idea she had a thing for me)

I won't get into details but those few months when I was falling head over heels in love with her and actively trying to push her into other people's arms while pursuing my own dalliances was one of the hardest times in my life - I had never been more fucked up in the head - (to find out later that what we did to each other and ourselves during that time was completely uncalled for and just plain ass backwards) - Anyway, shortly after we got together, I knew I was hooked for life - not even the idea of having to give up having more children was enough to make me want to be without his woman. Although I never gave up hope.

Now that we are on our way to adding to our little family I can not even express how happy I am... but if things don't happen as we want... My life is already complete the way it is. Dawn is my best friend, my biggest supporter, the kick in my ass when I need it (whether I want it or not. lol.) She has stuck by me through it all. Even when it seemed like I was losing hope, she had enough for the two of us. I have always said and firmly believe that my life started when I had my son (at 19) but our life wasn't truly complete until we met the rest of our family in August of 1998. A baby would just make it all that much better.

Tagged by my own wife....(Dawn posting)

I got tagged to write a me-me. I have never been tagged before, leave it to Michelle to be the one to do it... anyway, here it goes...me trying to force my "on summer vacation" brain to think.
The rules: Let others know who tagged you. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. Players should tag 8 other people and tell them they’ve been tagged.

1. On 8-24-98, not knowing why, I am drawn to a beautiful woman outside my job. I uncharacteristically said "HI" to a complete stranger and struck up a conversation. We became fast friends and six months later "more than friends". So technically when Michelle says I made the first move, she's right.

2. Michelle is the only woman I have ever been with or consciously ever wanted to be with.

3. I absolutely hated school when I was a kid. Cut class alot in high school and college. I was on the 5 1/2 year program in college. Who would have thought I'd be a teacher!! 8 years and counting...(How long before I can retire???!!! LOL)

4. Slightly addictive personality when it comes to Hostess cupcakes. OK honestly...addicted when it comes to cupcakes, donuts, starbucks, chocolate, michelle, diet pepsi, tabloids...maybe not in that order...GOD I NEED HELP!!

5. CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE DYLAN!!!!!!!!! Deep inside I always knew but it took me a long time to really admit that I wanted a baby with Michelle and get past my "no biological connection" issue (OK still a little concerned about it) but I've moved on and now I'm Dylan obsessed. I can't wait to be a family of five.

6. OH YEAH...I forgot one of my addictions...REALITY TV. Amazing Race, Big Brother, Next top model, Hell's kitchen, American Idol, So you think u can dance...you name it, I'll watch it.

7. I am a HUGE procrastinator when it comes to ...UMMMM...EVERYTHING. But ask anyone, I always pull it together at the last second. Don't know how but I do.

8. I LOVE MY FAMILY AND MY CRAZY IMPERFECT LIFE MORE THAN I HAVE EVER LOVED ANYTHING!! I WOULDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT IT AND I LOOK FORWARD TO EVERY TWIST AND TURN OUR JOURNEY TAKES US ON... OK HITTING LOTTO WOULDN'T HURT!!!!

I've been tagged by eggdropblogger AND ajs4ever

I got tagged to write a me-me. I have never been tagged before so here goes my bestest effort.

The rules: Let others know who tagged you. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. Players should tag 8 other people and tell them they’ve been tagged.

1. Dawn and I met working in the same daycare while both going through divorces.

2. Even though I never wanted more then a fling when it came to women I fell in love with Dawn hard and fast - before we were even together.

3. I am a huge tinkerbell fan - (hold your laughter)

4. I appear to be a hard ass most of the time - but I am a big mush on the inside (but don't tell anybody)

5. I have known I liked girls since I was about 4 years old when I had a crush on my babysitter who looked like wonderwoman to me - I was obsessed with wonderwoman.

6. I was a cheerleader in elementary school and highschool... need I say more?

7. I am addicted to blogging and reading other's blogs - even though I don't leave comments often.

8. I am excited about trying to have another baby but I am also scared to death about it.

Ok- so this may actually be cheating but I am gonna tag my beautiful wife... lol... your turn, Dawn.

If patience is a virtue... then I am virtually virtueless

There has to be something we should be doing. I know we decided that we are gonna try to get pregnant next summer and we were not gonna start charting until January but what the hell !!!! I am a woman obsessed. I can not stop thinking about it. I feel like there should be something we should be doing. Any suggestions? We've read a million books and talked about all the details. We decided we are gonna re-do the boys' room by Christmas so we (ok I) won't feel guilty when we have to get the little room ready for a baby.

This past Saturday we went to visit Dawn's brother, sis-in-law and new nephew. He is soooo cute. I watched David with him. He was great!! He actually pulled me aside and asked if he could hold him for awhile. He brought his own camera and took lots of pics of the baby and everyone with the baby. I have hope that the cruise may have given him the extra little baby boost he is gonna need when we tell them about our plans. Ryan on the other hand is the same always, laid back and pretty much go with the flow kid he always is... but still, I wonder if maybe we shouldn't worry about him at least a little.

For some reason, when I see Dawn's nephew I get really sad and anxious about us having a baby - when I see my nephew I don't. She asked me why yesterday, I didn't have an answer... but I have been sitting here thinking about it all morning and I guess maybe seeing everybody in her family ooohing and ahhhing over him makes me just a little sad/scared thinking about whether or not they will do the same for ours. I don't have that fear when it comes to my family but I am still a little scared that we won't get the same love and acceptance from her family. What's that saying... Once bitten, twice shy? I wish I could shake this feeling but somehow I can't and then I relive all that crappy rejection I felt from them in the beginning, then I feel guilty about still feeling that way so many years later, then I just feel worse about the whole thing. What the hell?!?! Insecurity has always been one of my biggest problems.

Anyway, Ryan is in Tennessee for a few days with his dad and David started football daycamp today. Dawn is home by herself and I am at work (ok so I am hardly working, but I am still here). The weather is awful. Raining and cold and depressing. The kind of day I wish I was home curled up under the blankets with my beautiful wife. Oh well. It's Monday so I'll just start the countdown to the weekend.

Cruise Withdrawal

It's all over. All that waiting and waiting and now the cruise is over. It was wonderful. I mean like with everything there were a few disappointments but overall it was FANTASTIC!! We (David and I) had a little sea sickness and (Dawn and Ryan) a lot of sunburn but it didn't matter too much in comparison to how much fun we had. I have to admit what everyone says is true - the best part of the cruise is the people. We met so many wonderful people that there were a few tears shed on the last day when we had to leave such a happy and loving atmosphere. The kids made friends that will hopefully last a lifetime - David even exchanged phone numbers with Rosie's son Parker. The entertainment was excellent, food was pretty good, staff phenomenal...and on and on and on. Dawn had a little luck in the casino which was great when it came down to payin that bill - but who can put a price on those kind of memories. We were totally stoked about meeting Kim and M - they were as wonderful as they seem in their blog - just sorry we couldn't spend more time together. Maybe next time? We really didn't plan on doing another cruise yet - Mexico is during a bad time school wise and well we can drive to Canada and New England - but after the great time we had we may just be seeing everyone next Summer afterall - If all goes well - we'll go on the July 2008 Cruise and then come home and make a baby.

"R" Family here we come

...and we're off. Tomorrow we leave for our cruise. We are so excited to meet all the families on board and to get away from our everyday lives for a little fun in the sun. I'm sure I'll have lots to write about when we get back.

Why is getting ready for a vacation so stressful?

I hate packing for a trip. I am an absolute freak when it comes to leaving things for last minute. I have to be either right on time or early. It completely drives me nuts if it even looks like we are gonna be late. I am a planner. Dawn, on the other hand is always late or at least on her way to being late. However, I can not lie, when it comes to working under pressure, she is phenomenal!! She just graduated with her Masters with a 4.0, and there is not one assignment that she didn't leave for the night before. She is the same way with packing. As I sit at work panicking about what needs to be packed she has probably not even given it a thought. In the end she'll pull it together and help me through it.

I know that with this whole baby making thing it will be the same way. Next Summer seems so far away to me - like it will never get here but yet at the same time I worry that when it does we won't be prepared. I sit around reading (and writing) blogs and doing research about the whole thing feeling like I should be doing something more. She holds me together. She tells me it will be ok and that when it is our turn good things will happen. I sit and worry about every little thing and stress every possible outcome. She just tells me how much she loves me and how there are no doubts in her mind that all our dreams will come true. When it's crunch time she will be there last minute to pick up the pieces that my panic has caused. I am a great planner, she is great at executing the plans I've laid. Together I think we are gonna make it through every trip we take, be it on a boat or down the path towards having a baby together.

Cruising with "R" Family

We are so excited... We are going on the 7/07/07 "r" family cruise. Just a little bit over a week left. When we booked this cruise back in April we were excited for many reasons. It was originally going to Bermuda which none of us had ever been to before... ummmm.... not any more thanks to the homophobic religious zealots of Bermuda that decided they were gonna protest if we came. OK so the most important reason for this cruise was for our boys to meet more families like ours. Another reason, we have not told them about us wanting to have another child.

My son, David, has a very mild form of tourettes (just facial and body tics, not audible) and it gets worse with stress. I won't get into the details, but his relationship with his dad has not been a healthy one. He has an almost 3 yr old sister from his dad who he loves very much but hardly sees. There have been a lot of stresses that have triggered his tics and most have involved his father in one way or the other but for the most part he does not adjust well to change. He is a child of habit and structure. There has been so much change in his life already but the one thing that has remained his constant has been me. We are very close and even though he is this big (5'2, 106lb, 11 1/2 yr old) tough kid who to everyone else acts as if he is going on 30, he is the same kid who will still hold my hand in public and kiss me in front of his friends. He is the football player all big and bad in his equipment who turns to me from the line and blows me a kiss before the game. He is the blackbelt (going on his 2nd) who has a Mariah Carey song on his cell phone because I used to sing it to him when he was a baby. He is the kid who roots for the underdog and helps those less fortunate. He is the defender of the weak and yet he probably needs more defending then the most. Funny how those who appear to be the strongest sometimes need the most help. Dawn would say that's me exactly. I am the one that gets all the phone calls for advice and help but the last one to ask for help myself... I hate it when she's right.

Anyway, even though Dawn and I have raised the boys together for all these years it was those first 3 before we met that made it seem like it was me and him against the world. Needless to say, Dawn and I are afraid he will not take it well. He loves kids and is wonderful with them but we both have this fear that something as big as another baby (especially one that I will carry) will be too much for him. Our biggest fear is the choices we would have to make about our journey if his mental health is at risk because of it. We have decided to tell them about 3 months before we first inseminate. I figure it will give us enough time to let him try and adjust and just in case things change we won't have told him for nothing. Ryan on the other hand appears to be so small and fragile next to David but he is easy going and easily adapts to change. His only requirement for happiness is just being. He has no siblings and a really good relationship with his dad. Ryan has been lucky. We think he will be fine.

So anyway, we hope that will all the different types of families on board the boys, especially David, will find comfort in everyone's differences and the fact that families really do come in all different shapes, sizes and colors. So while this vacation will be welcome as just as vacation, it can actually turn out to be life changing for us. So here is hoping that everything we have heard about this cruise is true and more.

And Dylan will make 5

This is where we begin... again. My name is Michelle, 30. My wife, Dawn, 36, and I have been together since March 1999. We each have a son from our previous lives (aka the ex-husbands). We met while we were both working at the same daycare. We were both seperated from our husbands and on our way to divorces. We became instant friends. It turned out that we had lived within @ 15 blocks of eachother for over 10 years, Dawn hung out with all the older siblings of my friends she even graduated highschool with the older sister of my best friend since 2nd grade... yet we had never met. After hanging together all the time even spending weekends together with our kids, I realized I had some more than friends feelings for her. I had always been attracted to both men and women and had told Dawn this in the beginning of our friendship so she would not be freaked out if she heard anything from anyone else ... Dawn had never been involved with women and had indicated to me she was straight. After a night of partying and the babysitter (my sister) not wanting to get off Dawn's couch when we returned, I found myself having to share a bed with Dawn - needless to say - we have been together since. She will disagree about who made the first move but I am just glad that someone (Dawn) did.

It was not so bad telling my family. My dad said he always knew I had "a wide variety of tastes" my mom asked me if it was because she didn't dress girly enough (lol) and then was tortured for awhile thinking that I got married and had my son to try and fit in... I don't think she understood how I could have loved a man then went effortlessly to loving a woman... She said she was surprised it was me (sorry sis) but was fine after that. You can't spit in my family(my mom's side) without hitting a gay man (even though it was not until after I came out that it became ok to talk about things like that), I am the only lesbian (that we know of). Dawn's family had a harder time with our relationship. There is a shortage of gays in her family and I think they felt that I had corrupted her in some way, her dad went so far as to say we were both lonely because of our failed marriages and it would pass, her mom wouldn't even talk to me for awhile. I went from being welcome in their home to being a stranger again. It broke my heart and even though her family and I have made ammends and they have gone out of their way to make me feel like their daughter and my son their grandson, I think that it will always make me cry when I think about it.

Since our kids had been together since they were 2 and 3 yrs old, we never really thought we had to go into too much detail about our relationship. We decided we wanted to get married - we explained it to our kids, to my surprise my son was a little pissed because he felt that somehow we had lied to him. After about an hour for him to cool off and a 2 hr talk, he was fine. We had a commitment ceremony on 6/25/04 with our sons giving us away. We were surrounded by our family and friends and I can honestly say aside from the day I gave birth to my son, it was the happiest day of my life. Our boys are now 10 and 11 yrs old.

After many years of discussion, we decided last year that within a few years we would like to have a baby together. As soon as we had this little secret between the two of us EVERYBODY we knew was pregnant. Including my sister and her childhood- boyfriend- turned- fiance who had not been trying and Dawn's brother and his wife who unknown to us had been trying for years. We put the details of our baby planning on hold for awhile and focussed fully on planning my sister's wedding and baby showers for both preggies. Both babies, our nephews and soon to be Godsons, are here now and we can move forward with some planning of our own.

We can hardly wait so as of right now we have moved our start date to next Summer. Let me just say, having had my son the conventional way, I had no idea how much work was going to go into this and all the different things we have to learn (bbt and cm charting, IUI, ICI, etc...) and how expensive it is all going to be. So we decided to give ourselves some time to pull it all together. We have bought some little baby stuff along the way and we have names picked out... Dylan Rylee for a girl and Dylan Riley for a boy... so now all we need is Dylan and then we will be 5.