denied...for now

PERMISSION TO GO BACK FOR FERTILITY TREATMENT DENIED... FOR NOW. LAST WEEK I WENT TO THE HEMATOLOGIST AND IT SEEMED LIKE EVERYTHING WAS OK. SORT OF. HE DID SOME BLOOD WORK IN OFFICE AND THAT CAME BACK OK. JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE HE SENT IT OUT FOR MORE EXTENSIVE TESTING AS WELL AS URINE. SO OFF I WENT FIRST THING THIS MORNING FOR A 6AM RESULTS APPOINTMENT. I AM A TOTAL HALF GLASS EMPTY KIND OF PERSON SOMETIMES. IF I EVEN GET THE INKLING THAT SOMETHING BAD MAY HAPPEN I START TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR THE WORST. THAT IS HOW I AM. I GET IT FROM MY MOM. THAT IS HOW I HAVE MANAGED TO SURVIVE A LOT OF SHITTY THINGS. WELL, FOR THE LAST WEEK I HAVE LISTENED TO EVERYONE TELL ME IT IS ALL GONNA BE OK AND THAT IT'S NOTHING. I LET MYSELF BELIEVE THAT. I WENT IN THIS MORNING WITH NOT A CARE IN THE WORLD EAGERLY WAITING TO GET THE OK. THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND TOLD ME "EVERYTHING CAME BACK OK, NOT GOOD, NOT BAD JUST OK." HE SAID THAT HE DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT HE HAD THE RECEPTIONIST START WRITING MY PERMISSION SLIP. I PUT MY COAT ON. HE CAME BACK AND SAID HE WANTED TO RUN THE IN OFFICE AGAIN. SO JACKET OFF, BLOOD WORK DONE, RESULTS... WORSE THAN THE LAST TIME. HE HAD ME LAY DOWN, POKED MY HIPS (I LET OUT SUCH A SCREAM WHEN SHE TOUCHED MY LEFT HIP) AND ACROSS MY LOWER BACK. HE TOLD ME HE WANTS TO DO A BONE MARROW ASPIRATION. WHAT THE FUCK!!???!!! HE TOOK SOME MORE URINE AND TOLD ME TO CALL TUESDAY TO MAKE SURE IT IS ALL CLEAR OF BACTERIA. IF NOT THEN I GET ANTIBIOTICS TILL ITS CLEAR BEFORE I CAN SCHEDULE THE PROCEDURE. IT HAS TO BE DONE IN THE HOSPITAL UNDER SEDATION. HE LEFT ME THERE, SLACK JAWED IN THE DOORWAY HE WALKED TO THE RECEPTIONIST PICKED UP MY RELEASE FOR TREATMENT AND RIPPED IT UP. YES FOLKS, HE RIPPED IT UP. HOW FUCKING SYMBOLIC IS THAT. THAT IS EXACTLY HOW MY HEART FELT. SO TUESDAY I SHOULD KNOW MORE. UNTIL THEN I AM STICKING TO BEING PESSIMISTIC... THERE IS SO MUCH LESS DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN YOU EXPECT THE WORSE FROM THE START.


*** UPDATE***

SO YESTERDAY THEY SCHEDULED ME FOR THE BONE MARROW ASPIRATION FOR 12/5 - I PUT IN FOR THE DAY OFF, MADE ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE KIDS SO ON AND SO ON. THIS MORNING I GET A CALL AT 6:45AM FROM THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - THEY HAVE TO CANCEL THE APPOINTMENT BECAUSE MY URINE CAME BACK FUCKED UP AGAIN - HE WANTS ME TO SEE A KIDNEY SPECIALIST TO GET CLEARANCE FOR THE BONE MARROW ASPIRATION. OK, SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? I NEED TO GET PERMISSION FROM THE KIDNEY GUY TO BE TREATED BY THE BLOOD GUY TO BE TREATED BY THE FERTILITY LADY - I MEAN HOW MANY HORNY STUPID STRAIGHT TEENS GET KNOCKED UP THEIR FIRST TIME AROUND WITHOUT SO MUCH AS PERMISSION FROM THEIR PARENTS AND NOW I GOTTA GET A MILLION AND ONE FUCKING PERMISSION SLIPS JUST TO TRY AND GET PREGNANT. MIND YOU, AT THIS POINT IT IS STILL UNCLEAR WHETHER OR NOT THAT IS EVEN GONNA BE POSSIBLE. I JUST WANT 1 CLEAR ANSWER. IS THERE A FORM SOMEWHERE I HAVE TO FILL OUT IN TRIPLICATE TO ASK FOR PERMISSION FOR THAT?

***2ND VERSE SAME AS THE FIRST***

SO NO KIDNEY SPECIALIST - INSTEAD MY PRIMARY DR PU TME ON SOME HARDCORE DOUBLE ANTIBIOTIC FOR 10 DAYS THEN I HAVE TO REDO THE BLOOD AND URINE TO SEE WHAT IS WHAT - IF THE WBC COUNT IS STILL HIGH BUT THE BACTERIA COUNT IS GONE THEN I WILL 99.9% HAVE TO DO THE BONE MARROW ASPIRATION. EITHER WAY SHE IS GONNA WANT TO DO MY CBC MORE OFTEN JUST TO MAKE SURE THEN I GUESS ONCE THIS IS ALL CLEAR... IT BETTER... I WILL HEAD BACK TO MY RE.

ALL CLEAR...NOT

SO APPARENTLY, NOW I NEED A FREAKING PERMISSION SLIP TO TTC. OUR RE CALLED ON WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON, OF COURSE, I MISSED THE CALL AND SHE LEFT A MESSAGE. MY REDO CBC RESULTS ARE IN. MY PLATELETS ARE NORMAL BUT MY WBC ARE STILL ELEVATED, APPARENTLY MORE SO THAN THE LAST TIME. SO SHE WENT ON TO SAY THAT WHILE THIS MAY BE NOTHING, IT MAY BE SOMETHING SO SHE WANTS ME TO SEE A HEMATOLOGIST. I AM SUPPOSED TO TAKE ALL MY BLOOD TEST RESULTS TO HIM AND THEN GET HIM TO CHECK ME OUT, IF ALL IS OK I NEED "A NOTE SAYING THAT I AM OK TO TRY AND GET PREGNANT, EITHER ON A PRESCRIPTION PAD OR DOCTOR'S LETTERHEAD: NO, SERIOUSLY, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. IF THIS WHOLE THING WASN'T SO FREAKING UPSETTING I WOULD TOTALLY LAUGH MY ASS OFF. THIS IS SO MUCH WORK AND THE HARD PART HASN'T EVEN STARTED. EVERY TIME I MAKE PEACE WITH THE LAST LITTLE SETBACK AND PULL MYSELF UP TO MOVE ON I GET HIT WITH SOMETHING ELSE. SO TODAY I HAVE TO GO SEE MY PRIMARY PHYSICIAN WHO I NOW HAVE TO EXPLAIN ALL THIS TO, GET A REFERRAL, CAUSE MY INSURANCE SUCKS, AND SEE A HEMATOLOGIST, WHOSE NAME IS DR. FUK, HOLD LAUGHTER, NEXT WEEK. WHEN WE DECIDED TO TTC THIS UPCOMING SUMMER, IT FELT LIKE SUCH A LONG WAY OFF, JUST A REALLY LONG TIME OF DOING NOTHING BUT WAITING, IT TURNS OUT THAT ALL THE TIME FROM HERE TO THERE IS GONNA BE PUT TO USE AFTER ALL. OH LORDY I NEED A VACATION.