...AND WE'RE OFF

OK, SO I GOT MY PERMISSION SLIP AND I AM READY TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD... SORT OF. THE QUICK VERSION IS, THE HEMOTOLOGIST RULED OUT ALL KINDS OF SCARY STUFF INCLUDING LEUKEMIA WHICH WAS HIS MAIN CONCERN ALL THE TIME. SO BIG SIGH OF RELIEF. THE CT DID HOWEVER FIND A NODULE ON MY RIGHT LUNG WHICH ANOTHER DOCTOR ACTUALLY FOUND BACK IN APRIL 08 - SO HE SUGGESTS I FOLLOW UP - AND THE CT ALSO SHOWED POSSIBLE UTERINE FIBROIDS... THAT KIND OF SUCKS, BUT WE'LL SEE WHAT THE FAB DR. PARK (OUR RE) SAYS. THE HEMO SAID BASICALLY I JUST HAVE A HIGH WBC COUNT AND IT SEEMS TO BE FOR NO GOOD REASON... I AM SKEPTICAL OF THAT EXPLANATION BUT I AM NO DOCTOR SO I'LL TAKE MY PERMISSION SLIP AND RUN. I ALREADY HAD AN APPOINTMENT SCHEDULED FOR THE RE ON 4/13 BUT JUST TO BE SAFE I FAXED HER MY PAPERS AND ASKED HER TO CALL ME TO SEE IF SHE WANTS TO SEE ME EARLIER. SO WE ARE NOW ON THE ROAD AGAIN. TO CELEBRATE, DAWN AND I BOUGHT A BABY BLANKET YESTERDAY... SO AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED... HERE WE GO.

ALWAYS WAITING AND NEVER A TWW

SO NOW I AM WAITING FOR THE RESULTS OF THE CHEST X-RAY AND ABDOMINAL/PELVIC CT SCANS. I SHOULD HEAR FROM THE DOCTOR EITHER TUESDAY OR WEDNESDAY. I FEEL LIKE I AM ALWAYS WAITING FOR SOMETHING BUT I WILL NEVER GET TO THE INFAMOUS TWW. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I KNOW THAT IF THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME IT IS BETTER TO KNOW THEN NOT, ESPECIALLY SINCE WE ARE TRYING TO TRY AND GET PREGNANT (BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN GIVEN THE PERMISSION TO ACTUALLY TRY YET) HOWEVER, THAT BEING SAID... IT IS VERY DISCOURAGING TO HAVE ALL THIS BACK AND FORTH AND WORRY AND WAITING BEFORE WE EVEN BEGIN TO TRY. I MEAN DON'T THESE DOCTORS KNOW THAT I HAVE LOW OVARIAN RESERVE?!?!? C'MON PEOPLE, THE LONGER I WAIT THE HARDER IT IS GONNA BE!!! I GUESS THAT SOUNDS TOO CRAZY TO ACTUALLY TELL A DOCTOR , BUT EVERY DAY THAT PASSES I GET THAT MUCH CLOSER TO CRAZY ANYWAY. I RESCHEDULED MY RE APPOINTMENT FOR THE NEXT TIME DAWN IS OFF, FREAKING APRIL, BY THAT TIME I HOPE TO HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE ALL CLEAR, AND IF NOT, THEN I HOPE TO AT LEAST KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ME AND IN THE MIDDLE OF KICKING WHATEVER IT IS' ASS!!! ALL THIS RANTING AND RAVING AND IN THE END... I STILL HAVE TO WAIT.

FEBRUARY UPDATE

THE UPDATE IS THIS... THERE IS NONE. I AM STILL BACK AND FORTH TO DOCTORS AND STILL HAVE NOT BEEN CLEARED TO GO BACK TO MY RE. AS IT STANDS I AM BEING SENT TO GET AN ABDOMINAL/PELVIC CT SCAN - MAINLY LOOKING AT MY SPLEEN AND LYMPH NODES. CAN'T IMAGINE HOW VERY SCARY THAT SOUNDS TO ME. I MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR THE RE ANYWAY, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE I AM GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL, I DOUBT I WILL BE CLEARED BY THE 19TH, I HAD A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS/OPTIMISM WHEN I MADE THE APPOINTMENT. IN THE MEANTIME, THE MORE TIME PASSES THE WORSE MY CHANCES AT CONCEIVING BECOME. I CAN'T EVEN PUT WORDS TO HOW I FEEL ABOUT ANY OF THIS EXCEPT TO SAY... THIS FUCKING BLOWS!!!