PUTTING UP A REWARD POSTER

I CAN NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME KEEP MY THOUGHTS IN ONE DIRECTION. I AM SO SCARED OF EVERYTHING LATELY. I AM MY OWN DEVILS ADVOCATE. EVERY TIME I HAVE A GOOD THOUGHT THE OTHER ME COMES UP WITH A BAD ONE TO COUNTER (OR 2 OR 3) I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE ABOUT WHAT IS TO COME BUT IT IS REALLY HARD TO DO. I AM WAITING FOR MY CHEST CT APPOINTMENT TO BE SCHEDULED. I KNOW THAT I REALLY SHOULDN'T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING UNTIL AFTER THAT BECAUSE REALLY, THAT IS GONNA BE THE JUMPING OFF POINT FOR WHETHER OR NOT WE CAN GO FORWARD WITH THE TTC OR HAVE TO WAIT (YET AGAIN) FOR ANOTHER 3 MONTH SCAN. I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT EVERYTHING. IT CONSUMES MY DAYS AND IT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT. IT IS SOMETHING THAT I STRUGGLE WITH EVERY DAY. IT IS NOT JUST THE TTC STUFF OR THE CT STUFF THAT HAS ME FEELING CRAZY, IT IS EVERY THING. I AM ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING. I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE ARE SO MANY LOOSE ENDS THAT NEED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF. I AM BY NO MEANS A CONTROL FREAK, BUT I FEEL LIKE EVERY SINGLE THING AROUND ME IS OUT OF MY CONTROL... EVEN MY THOUGHTS. I AM JUST TRYING TO GET BY AND ENJOY AS MANY MOMENTS AS I CAN. BUT I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I AM WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP. MAYBE I AM. MAYBE SOME WHERE INSIDE OF ME THERE (NOT SO HIDDEN) THERE IS A PART OF ME THAT EXPECTS THE WORSE BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL TRULY WORTHY OF HAPPINESS. I KNOW THERAPY SOUNDS LIKE AN OPTION, AND IT IS ONE I HAVE TRIED (VERY BRIEFLY) AND CONSIDERED TYING AGAIN, BUT HONESTLY, I DON'T THINK IT IS SOMETHING I CAN REALLY DO WELL WITH. I AM NICE AND OPEN ON HERE AND WRITING ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, BUT ASK MY WIFE AND SHE WILL TELL YOU, I DO NOT LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS, IT HURTS TOO MUCH. IT IS LIKE OPENING UP A POORLY HEALED WOUND THAT WILL ONLY TAKE THAT MUCH LONGER TO HEAL AND IN THE END WILL JUST SCAR WORSE. THERE IS NO DETACHMENT IN TALKING. I CAN'T SPEAK OF MY FEELINGS IN A WAY THAT ALLOWS ME TO REMOVE MYSELF FROM THEM. I KNOW THAT IS THE POINT OF THERAPY AND THAT IS WHY IT HELPS IN THE END AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BUT JUST CAN'T DO IT. ALTHOUGH READING BACK WHAT I JUST WROTE I CAN TOTALLY SEE THAT I NEED IT. LOL.

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE... WE ARE GOING TO FAMILY CAMP THIS WEEKEND. I CAN'T WAIT. I LOVE GOING THERE AND I LOVE GETTING AWAY WITH DAWN AND THE BOYS. AS AN ADDED BONUS, I RECENTLY RECONNECTED WITH MY CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND AND SHE AND HER HUSBAND AND KIDS ARE COMING WITH US. I MISSED HER SO MUCH AND I AM GLAD THAT WE ARE GETTING A SECOND CHANCE. THERE WERE SO MANY TIMES OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS I NEEDED HER. OH LORD, NOW I AM CRYING, I GUESS MY DETACH BUTTON IS NOT WORKING SO WELL TODAY. ANYWAY, HERE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO AN AWESOME WEEKEND. HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY YOURS.

looking for a little hope when feeling a little hopeless

THIS WAS ME YESTERDAY...ACTUALLY, THIS IS ME MOST DAYS. I FEEL SO NEGATIVE ABOUT HOW THINGS WILL TURN OUT. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO HOPE. LIKE I AM JUST GONNA GO THROUGH WITH THIS TO FIND OUT WHAT I ALREADY KNOW... I AM GONNA FAIL. WHAT A SHITTY FUCKING ATTITUDE TO HAVE... I KNOW IT, I BELIEVE IT AND YET I CAN'T HELP IT. THEN THERE ARE THOSE DAYS WHEN I CAN ALMOST FEEL OUR BABY IN MY ARMS (OF COURSE IT IS A GIRL IN THIS SCENARIO BECAUSE WE ALREADY HAVE 2 BOYS AND I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE ANOTHER BOY ALTHOUGH I KNOW IT WOULDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE) THAT'S HOW SURE I AM THAT WE WILL SUCCEED. HOW IS IT THAT I CAN FEEL THIS WAY WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING GIVEN IT A TRY. IT IS THIS WHOLE DAMN EGG COUNT THING THAT HAS ME SO FUCKING CRAZY!! I SWEAR TO GOD I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING DIED IN ME WHEN SHE TOLD ME HOW LOW MY OVARIAN RESERVE WAS... AND I CAN ALMOST HEAR THEM DISAPPEARING INTO THIN AIR AS WE SPEAK. THE SECONDS ON THE OLD BIOLOGICAL CLOCK TICKING SO LOUDLY IN MY HEAD THAT MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE IT WILL EXPLODE. HOW DO I SAY ALL THIS WITHOUT SOUNDING CRAZY??? THEN AGAIN, WHO CARES IF I SOUND CRAZY... I FEEL CRAZY. I FEEL LIKE THE MORE I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT THE MORE I DO. THE MORE I TRY TO GIVE MYSELF THE OLD " WHAT HAPPENS HAPPENS AND IT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING" PEP TALK THE MORE I CALL BULLSHIT ON ALL THAT WHATEVER WILL BE WILL BE ATTITUDE. DAWN TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT I HAVE ALREADY SET MYSELF UP FOR FAILURE AND THAT STRESS WILL ONLY BE A BAD THING FOR TTC... AND (NO OFFENSE MY LOVE) BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...I KNOW ALL OF THIS AND IF I COULD I WOULD STOP BUT I CAN'T!! I HAVE NEVER FELT SO COMPLETELY POWERLESS AND OUT OF CONTROL IN MY LIFE. THE WORSE PART IS WE HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED INSEMINATION YET. WE ARE PUSHED TO AUGUST (IF I GET THE CLEARANCE FROM THE PULMONOLOGIST TO SKIP MY CTs) BECAUSE OF MY CYCLES. WHAT HAPPENS THEN? WE AGREED TO ONLY A FEW MONTHS OF TRYING. I FEEL LIKE HOW CAN I NOT FEEL LIKE I WILL FAIL HER? FAIL US? WE HAVE SO MUCH AGAINST US. IT IS LIKE THE CARDS WERE ALREADY DEALT AND YET HERE WE ARE STILL WAITING FOR A CHANCE TO SIT AT THE TABLE. HOW CAN I FEEL POSITIVE AND HOPEFUL WHEN I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I FAILED?

AND AFTER ALL THIS AND LOTS OF TEARS AND MY TELLING HER THAT I NEED HOPE ...WE GET OUT OF THE CAR AND ON THE FLOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WET SIDEWALK AND UNDER MY FOOT IS RIBBON... BLUE AND PURPLE TIED TOGETHER INTERTWINED. BLUE AND PURPLE... OUR WEDDING COLORS. DAWN SAYS IT IS A SIGN. I SECRETLY PRAY IT IS. HOURS LATER WE GET HOME AND I AM STILL BUMMED AND TALKING ABOUT FEELING HOPELESS AND OPENING MY JUNK MAIL (INSTEAD OF JUST TOSSING IT) THAT HAS BEEN SITTING ON THE COUCH FOR ABOUT A WEEK OR SO... AND IN AN ENVELOPE AMONG RANDOM ADVERTISEMENTS IS ONE FOR A LITTLE GIRL FAIRY STATUE... NAMED HOPE. DAWN SAYS IT IS A SIGN. I AM PRETTY SURE IT WAS. SO TODAY IS A LITTLE BETTER.... BUT LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE... WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING.

BTW - CHECK THE COLORS OF THE PIC ABOVE...