Another year ...

TODAY IS OUR ANNIVERSARY. 5 YEARS AGO TODAY WE HAD OUR COMMITMENT CEREMONY. WE HAD A MINISTER, WE SAID OUR VOWS, WE PROMISED EACHOTHER LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP. WE MAY NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO LEGALLY MARRY BUT NO ONE CAN TELL US THAT WE ARE NOT. MAYBE ONE DAY, HOPEFULLY SOON, OUR STATE WILL LET US GET MARRIED. MAYBE NOT. WHILE THIS WOULD CHANGE ALOT OF LEGAL THINGS, IT WOULD NOT CHANGE HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER. SHE IS MY WIFE AND I AM HERS AND TODAY WE CELEBRATE 5 YEARS OF MARRIAGE.

DAWN, I LOVE YOU. 10 YEARS AGO, 5 YEARS AGO, TODAY AND FOREVER I AM YOURS.

a long but beautiful journey... hand in hand

SO EVEN WITH ALL OF OUR (MOSTLY MY) WORRIES, WE ARE GONNA KEEP OUR RE APPOINTMENT ON THE 29TH AND TALK TO HER AND REVIEW OUR OPTIONS AND OUR CHANCES (REALISTICALLY) AND THEN GO HOME AND TALK. I THINK IT HAS JUST BEEN A VERY LONG AND BUMPY ROAD SO FAR AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE HAVE REALLY BEEN ABLE TO GET BACK TO BUSINESS AND FOCUS ON JUST OUR TTC JOURNEY. SO WE WILL... BUT THE ROAD LOOKS A LOT MORE PLEASANT TODAY.

ON A SEPARATE NOTE... I CAN NOT WAIT UNTIL JULY FOR OUR R FAMILY ALASKA CRUISE WITH OUR BEAUTIFUL BOYS. WE CAN ALL USE A VACATION.

what goes up must come down

WELL, THE RESULTS ARE IN AND I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE ALL CLEAR TO GO AHEAD WITHOUT A FOLLOW UP CT (BY CHOICE) FOR A WHOLE YEAR. THIS IS GOOD NEWS...RIGHT??? I AM FACED WITH THE SUDDEN REALIZATION THAT NOW THAT I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO WORRY ABOUT HEALTHWISE, I AM PLAGUED WITH ALL KINDS OF DOUBTS ABOUT OUR TTC PLANS. SUCKY TIMING, SUCKY FEELINGS, SUCKY ME.

WAITING TO EXHALE

OK, I WAS APPROVED MY FIRST FOLLOW UP CT SCAN AND IT IS TODAY AT 5:30. I AM GONNA HAVE TO HOLD MY BREATHE UNTIL NEXT WEEK FOR THE RESULTS. IF IT COMES BACK BAD THEN NO BABY MAKING UNTIL THE SITUATION IS TAKEN CARE OF... WHATEVER THE SITUATION MAY BE. IF IT COMES BACK FINE, WE HAVE TO CONSCIOUSLY DECIDE THAT WE ARE GONNA PUT OFF ALL MY FOLLOW UP CT SCANS UNTIL, WE HAVE DELIVERED A HEALTHY BABY OR STOPPED TTC. EITHER WAY IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE THIS TEST IS GONNA RESOLVE ANYTHING AS MUCH AS MAKE THINGS WORSE IN A WAY. THE DOCTOR RECOMMENDS FOLLOW UP CT SCANS FOR 2 YEARS, HAVING ONE DONE EVERY 3 MONTHS. LET'S SAY IT TAKES US THREE MONTHS TO GET PREGNANT AND 9 MONTHS TO DELIVER, I HAVE TO DECIDE TO FOREGO FOLLOW UP FOR A WHOLE YEAR WITH NO GUARANTEE THAT THE THYMUS WON'T "GO BAD" - IT SEEMS O EASY FOR ME TO SAY, NO PROBLEM, BUT I ALREADY HAVE TO KIDS AND A WHOLE FAMILY TO THINK ABOUT. WHAT IF I MAKE THE WRONG DECISION AND PUT MYSELF AND OUR FUTURE BABY IN DANGER?!?! WHAT IF WE HOLD OFF ONCE AGAIN AND WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, I AM FINE BUT COMPLETELY INFERTILE (REMEMBER I AM RUNNING ON ALMOST EMPTY IN THE EGG DEPARTMENT) - SO MANY DECISIONS SO LITTLE TIME. I REMEMBER WHEN BEING 32 DIDN'T SEEM SO OLD, ONE FREAKING MIS EXAM AND THAT WAS ALL SHOT TO HELL AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I AM 90.

I AM SO TIRED OF ALL THE "IT WILL ALL BE OKs" AND THE "I AM PRAYING FOR YOUs" AND THE "HANG IN THEREs"... THEY ARE NICE, AND REAL SWEET AND DON'T DO A FUCKING THING TO MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER, NO MATTER HOW MUCH THE PEOPLE SAYING IT LOVE ME. IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL LIKE ANYTHING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT. I AM SICK ABOUT ALL OF THIS. TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND SEEM LIKE I AM FINE IS FUCKING BULLSHIT AND DRIVING ME CRAZIER.

BUT HERE I GO, INHALE DEEP, HOLD BREATHE, HOPE FOR THE BEST, AND FACE THE WORLD WITH A PLASTERED ON SMILE... AT LEAST UNTIL NEXT WEEK. SO TELL ME YOU ARE PRAYING FOR ME AND THAT I SHOULD HANG IN THERE BECAUSE THINGS WILL BE OK, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I DON'T THINK IT HELPS, MAYBE IF YOU ALL DO, IT WILL. I DON'T LIKE TO ASK FOR HELP... BUT I NEED IT.