to be or not to be... depressed

So I am DEPRESSED. I mean who isn't depressed at one point in their lives or another? Well, it seems that I am depressed at all points of my life lately. I wish I could say it is all because of this crazy last few years of ups and downs in ttc but it isn't. The truth is I have been this way since I was a little girl. The truth is I spend most of my time trying to appear happy when inside I feel the complete opposite. It is extremely tiring to spend all your time pretending. Actually, it is fucking exhausting!! I used to be really good at it, now it appears my slip is showing.

Mental illness runs far and deep in my family and I guess I have known that there is something wrong for what seems like forever, and a few years ago I was officially diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder for you sane people) but if you ask me it is the wrong diagnosis. I went to the psychiatrist once and within the first 20 minutes she suggested meds. Now, I am all for everyone doing what works for them, but I personally do not want to be on medication especially after only talking to this woman for 20 minutes. It was right after my son really started having a hard time with his Tourettes, I found myself always crying when he wasn't looking because I could not make it better for him and I did not want him to see me upset about it... to me that sounds like normal mother/child response but then I am not a pill pushing doctor.

That being said... I think I need to talk to someone and my ENTIRE family agrees. I just don't know how all this is going to affect our ttc plans. I think I am most afraid of someone telling me that the things/people that I want/need most in my life are my biggest problems. What to do what to do? I don't really want to do anything. It seems that I am really good at helping people with their problems and feelings... but what about mine? I can't talk about or deal with my own.

WHY NOW?... So, I had a bit of a breakdown the other day and now everyone is looking at me with the side eye like I am gonna find the highest building and take a walk off it... but that isn't the case and frankly I find it annoying that everybody worries when I "don't act like myself" but never during their everyday lives do they consider that like everyone else I am not ok and maybe they should stop talking about their problems for long enough to ask me and genuinely give a fuck about mine. Now everybody is all concerned and upset but maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't have gotten to this point if they had taken a minute to ask before. Then again probably not, they all point fingers at each other for me feeling this way. They all tell me not to worry so much about the others and not to let them weigh me down with all their crap etc... but every single one of those people is a taker. They are the ones who take from me all the time leaving me with nothing in return except worry... lots and lots of worry. Quite frankly I am kinda over it and at this moment the thing that worries me the most is not that underneath the facade of happiness I am depressed but that underneath the depression secretly I don't give a fuck anymore. So what is worse?

a Happy Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING WIFE!! IT IS MOMENTS LIKE THIS WHEN CELEBRATING SOMEONE I LOVE SO MUCH THAT I CAN REMEMBER TO BE THANKFUL FOR THE THINGS THAT I DO HAVE AND NOT FOCUS ON THE THINGS THAT I DON'T. IN HER I HAVE AN AMAZING WIFE WHO IS MY BEST FRIEND, MY BIGGEST SUPPORTER, MY SHOULDER TO CRY ON, MY WALL TO BOUNCE OFF OF, A GREAT MOTHER TO OUR SONS AND THE BEST PERSON FOR ME. WE ARE SO DIFFERENT YET FIT SO PERFECTLY TOGETHER. SHE GETS ME EVEN WHEN I DON'T GET MYSELF. WE FIGHT LIKE ALL OTHER COUPLES AND GOD KNOWS PROBABLY UNLIKE OTHER COUPLES AS WELL BUT IN THE END IT IS OK BECAUSE IT IS NOT WITH EACH OTHER AS MUCH AS FOR EACH OTHER THAT WE DO SO. I LOVE HER WITH ALL OF MY BEING AND AM GRATEFUL EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR HER, EVEN THE DAYS WE WANT TO KILL EACH OTHER.. LOL. SHE HAS MY HEART FOREVER AND IF I AM LUCKY, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE HERS. SO TO MY BEAUTIFUL DAWN, I LOVE YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND THANK YOU.

THE GREEN EYED MONSTER

AS YOU CAN SEE I AM NOT PLAYING NICE. I AM FINDING THAT WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR LATELY THE EYES THAT STARE BACK AT ME ARE NOT MY DARK BROWN DOE EYES BUT THES GLARING GREEN EYES OF A MONSTER THAT QUITE FRANKLY SCARES THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF ME. I AM BY NATURE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WANTS EVER SO MUCH TO HOLD ON TO MY CHILDLIKE IDEA THAT THERE IS GOOD IN EVERYONE AND THAT THERE IS HUMANITY LEFT IN THE HUMAN RACE. I ALWAYS WISH FOR THE BEST FOR OTHERS EVEN IF THAT SOMEHOW DOESN'T VIBE WITH WHAT WORKS FOR ME. I LISTEN TO OTHERS WHENEVER THEY WANT TO TALK EVEN IF AT THE MOMENT I AM DEALING WITH MY OWN PROBLEMS. I TRY TO BE A GOOD FRIEND AND I PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING THE BEST MOTHER AND WIFE. I WOULD DIE FOR MY LOVED ONES AND AM LOYAL TO A FAULT. SO WHY IS THE PERSON LOOKING BACK AT ME SOMEONE I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH? THIS WHOLE FEELING OF FAILURE HAS LEFT A BITTER TASTE IN MY MOUTH AND A GREEN TINT IN MY EYES. I READ ALOT OF BLOGS AND THOUGH I DON'T COMMENT ON THEM ALL I AM ALWAYS ROOTING FOR EVERYONE, LAUGHING, CRYING, YELLING ALONG SIDE THEM. NOW I FIND MYSELF FEELING JEALOUS OF THEIR SUCCESSES AND COMFORTED BY THE FACT THAT I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DID NOT SUCCEED. I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON. ONE OF MY OLDEST FRIENDS WIL BE CALLING ME THIS MORNING TO TELL ME IF SHE IS PREGNANT. SHE HAS A 12 YEAR OLD AND A 1 1/2 YR OLD AND A MONTH AGO WAS TELLING ME SHE HATES HER HUSBAND AND THEY WERE THINKNING ABOUT DIVORCE. SHE TOLD ME SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT AS I WAS FINDING OUT THAT I WAS NOT. SHE KNEW ALL THE DRAMA WE HAD BEEN GOING THROUGH AND WE WERE GONNA BE TRYING THOUGH SHE DIDN'T KNOW THE DETAILS - SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS NOT HAPPY AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ... I TOLD HER WOW AND GOOD LUCK. LAME ASS LINE RIGHT? I KNOW AND I FELT LIKE AN ASSHOLE FOR SAYING IT BUT WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE SAID?? THEN YESTERDAY SHE TOLD ME SHE WOULD BE SAD IF SHE ISN'T. I WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR HER BUT I AM FINDING IT DIFFICULT. SO I AM JUST WISHING FOR HER WHATEVER IS BEST FOR HER. I WILL DEAL WITH MY OWN SHIT AS I GO ALONG AND JUST TRY MY BEST TO BE SUPPORTIVE. IN THE MEANTIME I AM GONNA TRY TO JUST STAY POSITIVE AND WAIT PATIENTLY FOR OUR TURN... AND I AM GONNA WISH EVERYBODY LUCK, POSITIVE THOUGHTS, LOTS OF STICKY BABY DUST AND SEND ALL MY LOVE AND APOLOGIES FOR NOT ALWAYS BEING AS SUPPORTIVE AS I SHOULD BE.