HERE WE GO AGAIN

SO TOMORROW I START INJECTIONS AGAIN. MOVING UP FROM 150IU TO 225IU. SIX DAYS OF THAT THEN BACK IN TO BE CHECKED. I THINK WE ARE DEFINITELY GONNA JUST DO TWO BACK TO BACK RETRIEVALS THIS TIME AROUND. AFTER THAT WE WILL SEE WHAT WE ARE WORKING WITH AND DO TRANSFERS. WE PICKED A NEW DONOR AND ARE PRETTY HAPPY WITH OUR CHOICE. ITS FUNNY HOW SOMETIMES WE WIND UP BACK WHERE WE STARTED JUST TO GET BACK ON THE RIGHT TRACK. HOPEFULLY WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK THE NEXT TIME WE TRANSFER, BUT IF NOT, WHEN THE RESERVES ARE GONE...OUR JOURNEY WILL BE OVER. WITH TWO TEENS GOING TO COLLEGE SOON...WE JUST CAN'T FINANCIALLY DO IT FOR MUCH LONGER. THAT DOESN'T EVEN TAKE INTO ACCOUNT WHAT IT IS DOING EMOTIONALLY.

WE ARE BACK AND FORTH ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT TO DO TRANSFERS AS SOON AS WE CAN OR WAIT A FEW MONTHS AND TRY TO REGROUP AND GET A LITTLE HEALTHIER BEFORE WE DO. THERE ARE A FEW OTHER FACTORS THAT ARE INVOLVED BUT WE ARE GONNA DEAL WITH THE RETRIEVALS AND THEN WORRY ABOUT OUR DECISION ABOUT TRANSFER LATER. ITS FUNNY HOW YOU CAN TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED.

ANYWAY, OUR BOYS ARE DOING WELL. ALL IN ALL THEY ARE PRETTY GOOD KIDS WHO DO NOT GIVE US MUCH TROUBLE. THEY DO WELL IN SCHOOL, BEHAVE AT HOME, HAVE DECENT FRIENDS AND ARE PRETTY LOVING AND RESPONSIBLE. THEY ARE NOT PERFECT, BUT WHO IS. THEY EACH HAVE HAD THEIR SLIP UPS AND MOMENTS OF INSANITY BUT THEIR BIGGEST PROBLEMS ARE RELATIONSHIPS. THEY BOTH HAVE A HABIT OF FALLING FOR THE WRONG GIRL. EITHER SHE IS NUTS OR HER PARENTS ARE NUTS OR A COMBO OF BOTH...BUT BOTH OF OUR KIDS SEEM TO FALL HEAD OVER HEELS AND NOTHING AND NO ONE CAN TELL THEM OTHERWISE. IT COULD BE WORSE, THEY COULD BE THE KIND OF BOYS RUNNING THROUGH GIRLS BACK TO BACK JUST TO GET THE NUMBERS. HOWEVER, THEY ARE BOTH CURRENTLY IN VERY COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIPS WHICH THEY FEEL WILL LAST FOREVER. THEY HAVE BOTH FOUND "THE ONE" I CRINGE AT THE IDEA AT THIS POINT. THEY BOTH DESERVE BETTER. THEY BOTH GIVE SO MUCH OF THEMSELVES AND GET SO LITTLE IN RETURN. OTHER THAN THAT, NOT MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT WITH THEM. WE ARE LUCKY.

MAYBE WE CAN LUCK OUT A THIRD TIME.

BACK TO START

SO IT DIDN'T WORK. I KIND OF FELT LIKE IT DIDN'T OR RATHER I TRIED TO NOT GET MY HOPES UP AND YET WHEN THE NURSE CALLED TO TELL ME SHE WAS SORRY...IT BROKE MY FUCKING HEART. I HAD BEEN REALLY SICK WITH BRONCHITIS FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND I FELT LIKE SHIT THE DAY OF THE TRANSFER BUT WE WERE SO CLOSE THAT WE DECIDED TO JUST GO WITH IT. THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND PUT OUR EMBIE ON THE SCREEN AND TOLD ME IT WAS AVERAGE BUT NOT TO WORRY...MOST OF US COME FROM AVERAGE EMBRYOS. I WANTED TO BELIEVE HIM BUT I AM NOT ONE WHO BELIEVES IN THE LONG SHOT. HE ALSO MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT CHANGING DONORS...LATER ON THAT...I FELT LIKE IT WORKED FOR A FEW DAYS. I SAID PRAYER AFTER PRAYER AND SPOKE OUT LOUD TO THE EMBRYO IN MY BODY. HOPING THAT GIVING LIFE TO MY THOUGHTS WOULD SOMEHOW MAKE IT MORE REAL. IT DIDN'T WORK. SO HERE WE ARE AGAIN BACK AT START. NOT A SINGLE EGG OR EMBRYO TO SHOW. WE ARE SWITCHING DONORS (WHICH BY THE WAY WAS NOT FUN LAST MINUTE) AND WE ARE TAKING A CYCLE TO BREATHE...THE DOCTOR IS STILL MONITORING ME AND NOW HAS ME ON BIRTH CONTROL (HOLD LAUGHTER FOR THE SEVERAL REASONS OF IRONY) BUT WE WONT BE DOING RETRIEVAL FOR SEVERAL MORE WEEKS. WE ARE MOST LIKELY GOING TO DO BACK TO BACK RETRIEVALS AND THEN WORRY ABOUT TRANSFER LATER. I FEEL LIKE I AM TORN BETWEEN WHEN AND WHAT TO DO. I GIVE ALL THE CREDIT IN THE WORLD TO WOMEN WHO HANG IN THERE FOR YEARS...I CAN'T DO IT. THIS IS SO MUCH MORE EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY TAXING THEN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. WHAT IS WORSE IS HOW HARD I HAVE TO TRY AND HIDE HOW I AM FEELING BECAUSE WE STILL HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING TO THE KIDS AND WELL LIFE HAS TO GO ON AS USUAL. THAT IS ONE THING I DO NOT REGRET. I DEFINITELY DO NOT REGRET DECIDING TO KEEP THE KIDS IN THE DARK FOR NOW. WATCHING THEM STRUGGLE WITH EVER DAY TEENAGE BULLSHIT AND DRAMA I KNOW ADDING OUR OWN TO THE MIX FOR NO DEFINITE REASON WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN THE WRONG CHOICE FOR US. TWO OF US ARE ON THIS ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS AND THAT IS ENOUGH. I AM HOPING THE NEW YEAR WILL BRING US SOME NEW LUCK AND NEW HOPE.