7 week update

PROUD MAMAS OF THE BABY BUG

OUR LIL BABY BUG

SO TODAY WE WENT IN FOR OUR FIRST "OFFICIAL" SONO AND IT WENT PERFECT! WE ARE OFFICIALLY 7wks TODAY AND THE LIL BUG IS A WHOPPING 9.51 mm BIG. LOL. WE SAW THE HEARTBEAT AND EVEN BETTER...WE GOT TO HEAR IT! IT WAS A STRONG AND STEADY 139 bpm. I FORGOT HOW AMAZING THAT SOUND IS. (CONSIDERING THAT THIS THURSDAY MY DAVID WILL BE 17yrs OLD, TO SAY IT HAS BEEN A WHILE IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT.) TEARS JUST STARTED RUNNING DOWN MY FACE. IT WAS STILL SO SURREAL. THERE ARE MOMENTS WHERE I FEEL PREGNANT AND THERE ARE MOMENTS WHERE I ALMOST FORGET I AM. TODAY, WITH MY WIFE RIGHT BY MY SIDE, HEARING OUR BABY'S HEART BEAT, THE FACT THAT WE ARE HAVING A BABY FINALLY HIT ME HARD. I AM STILL ANXIOUS AND SCARED AND WAITING FOR THE PROVERBIAL OTHER SHOE...BUT I AM DETERMINED TO ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF THIS TO ITS FULLEST. OF COURSE TELLING PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY THE KIDS, MAY OR MAY NOT HELP WITH THAT.  I AM IN NO RUSH TO FIND OUT WHICH IT WILL BE, THOUGH MY DARLING DAWN IS GOING BANANAS WITH IMPATIENCE.  I AM HOPING FOR A FEW MORE WEEKS OF SELFISHNESS, ENJOYING OUR LITTLE SECRET, ENJOYING THE PEACE OF IT ALL WITH OUT ALL THE QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS AND OPINIONS...I AM GONNA MISS THAT. WE WILL SEE HOW LONG WE CAN HOLD OUT. 

Our Christmas Eve Joy

introducing our little bug

WE HAD AN APPOINTMENT FOR MORE BLOOD WORK ON CHRISTMAS EVE MORNING. MY DARLING WIFE WAS HELLBENT ON ASKING FOR A SONO EVEN THOUGH OUR DOCTORS DON'T DO ONE UNTIL 7 WKS AND I WAS 6. I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANY SHAVING BECAUSE I WAS CONVINCED SHE WOULD BE TOLD TO GO SCRATCH. WELL, ME OF LITTLE FAITH WAS WRONG. WE NOT ONLY GOT TO SEE THE LITTLE BLOB THAT IS OUR BABY BUG...WE ALSO GOT TO SEE HER HEARTBEAT. SHE WAS MEASURING AT  5WKS 6 DAYS AND HER HEARTBEAT WAS STEADY. WE SAW THE OTHER STUFF TOO LIKE THE GESTATIONAL SAC AND THE YOLK SAC BUT NOTHING BEAT SEEING THE HEARTBEAT (PUN INTENDED). THE DOCTOR SAID THE HEARTBEAT WAS A LITTLE SLOW BUT THAT THE SONO WAS REALLY EARLY SO NOT TO WORRY BECAUSE BY THE NEXT ONE, THIS MONDAY THE 31ST, WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE MUCH MORE AND THE HEARTBEAT WILL BE A LOT FASTER. WE STILL HAVEN'T TOLD THE KIDS, I REALLY WANT TO WAIT, BUT WE DID EACH GET TO PICK ONE TRUSTWORTHY PERSON. I GOT TO TELL MY SISTER AND SHE GOT TO TELL HER MOM. NOW MY SUPERSTITIOUS BUTT IS JUST HOPING AD PRAYING THAT I HAVEN'T JINXED ANYTHING AND ALL CONTINUES TO GO WELL.

MIRACLES

I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE TO BELIEVE IN MIRACLES. THAT'S TO SAY...I PRAYED FOR THEM ALL THE TIME...BUT I NEVER REALLY BELIEVED IN THEM...UNTIL NOW. FIRST OFF, WE ARE STILL PREGNANT WITH OUR LITTLE MIRACLE. THERE IS AN ACTUAL BABY IN THERE AFTER ALL THIS TIME. HOLY CRAP. WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN A CHANCE TO SEE OUR LITTLE BUG YET BUT OUR NUMBERS ARE STRONG AND STEADY AND MORE THAN DOUBLING (our 4th beta was 3822) SO WE ARE BREATHING STEADY. WE GO BACK ON MONDAY, CHRISTMAS EVE, FOR ANOTHER SET OF NUMBERS AND THEN THE FOLLOWING WEEK WOULD BE OUR FIRST SONO. THIS FERTILITY CENTER HAS YOU DO BLOOD ONLY UNTIL 7 WEEKS THEN DOES SONOS AND BLOOD UNTIL 9 WEEKS AND THEN RELEASES YOU OUT INTO THE WORLD TO SEEK YOUR OWN FORTUNE WITH AN OB. I AM PRETTY CERTAIN THAT DUE TO MY AGE, WEIGHT AND FAMILY HISTORY OF DIABETES I WILL BE CONSIDERED HIGH RISK AND SENT TO A SPECIALIST AS WELL AS A REGULAR OB - BUT THAT IS FINE - THE MORE PEOPLE LOOKING AFTER OUR BUG, THE BETTER. ANYHOW, DAWN WILL MOST DEFINITELY BE TRYING TO CON HER WAY INTO A SONO FOR ME THIS MONDAY ANYWAY. SHE REALLY WANTS A PICTURE BEFORE CHRISTMAS. I AM NOT HOLDING MY BREATHE. LOL.

IN NON BABY RELATED BUT TOTALLY MIRACLE RELATED NEWS... LAST FRIDAY, A WEEK FROM WHEN WE GOT OUR BFP - MY DAD HAD A HEART ATTACK. HE IS OK NOW. BUT IT WAS A MIRACLE THAT HE IS STILL WITH US. THERE WERE NO WARNINGS AND IT WAS TOTALLY UNEXPECTED. I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT HE IS STILL WITH US. I LOVE THAT MAN MORE THAN I COULD PUT IN WORDS. 

I WANT TO COMMENT ON THE TRAGEDY THAT HAPPENED IN CT, I HEARD ABOUT IT WHILE I WAS BEDSIDE TO MY DAD WAITING FOR HIS SURGERY...BUT I CAN'T FIND THE WORDS. I AM HEART BROKEN FOR THOSE FAMILIES AND FOR ALL OF US. IT IS A SAD WORLD WE LIVE IN WHEN PEOPLE CAN BE SO CRUEL AND DO SUCH HEINOUS THINGS. I CAN NOT IMAGINE A DAY WITHOUT MY CHILDREN, LET ALONE THE REST OF MY LIFE. LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, I AM MOURNING FOR THE LOSS OF THESE PEOPLE AND HOLDING MY CHILDREN A LITTLE CLOSER AND A LITTLE LONGER. EACH ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WAS A MIRACLE TO THEIR FAMILIES EACH ONE OF THOSE SOULS TOUCHED SOMEONES LIFE AND MADE A DIFFERENCE. BUT EVEN MIRACLES HAVE THEIR LIMITS. I HOPE THEY ARE ALL IN A BETTER PLACE AND AT PEACE. 

shock without the dismay

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!

me and my beautiful wife, Dawn, kind of in shock but soooo happy!!

THESE PICS WERE TAKEN AFTER WE FOUND OUT ON FRIDAY WHEN THEY CALLED WITH OUR FIRST BETA WHICH WAS 74 - OUR SECOND BETA WAS SUNDAY (41.5 HRS LATER) AND THAT WAS 127. MY ESTROGEN AND PROGESTERONE ARE BOTH GOOD AS WELL. I AM STILL ON THE PROMETRIUM AND ESTRACE FOR SEVERAL MORE WEEKS. I GO IN FOR BLOOD ONLY UNTIL 7 WEEKS AND THEN THE SONOS START. 

I AM FEELING A LITTLE NUMB BUT SO VERY HAPPY. IT TOOK AWHILE AND I KNOW IT IS STILL EARLY BUT WE ARE SO THRILLED THAT WE ARE FINALLY GOING TO BE ABLE TO HAVE A BABY TOGETHER. I MEAN WE HAVE BEEN RAISING OUR BOYS TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 14 YRS AND THEY ARE BOTH OURS REGARDLESS OF WHEN THEY CAME INTO ONE ANOTHER S LIVES...BUT I HAVE WANTED THIS SINCE WE WERE TOGETHER ONLY A FEW MONTHS. WE HAVEN'T TOLD ANYONE YET, INCLUDING THE KIDS, WHO OF COURSE WILL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW. WE ARE IN A LITTLE BIT OF DISAGREEMENT ABOUT WHEN TO TELL PEOPLE. IDEALLY I WOULD LIKE TO WAIT UNTIL WE ARE OUT OF THE FIRST TRIMESTER, SHE WOULD LIKE TO TELL PEOPLE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. LOL.  I WOULD LIKE TO COMPROMISE TO WAIT TILL I AM OUT OF THE RE AND INTO A REGULAR OB AND GET THE ALL CLEAR. OUR PLACE GRADUATES YOU AT 9 WEEKS. WE ARE OFFICIALLY CONSIDERED 4 WEEKS. WE WILL SEE HOW IT GOES.

AS FAR AS SYMPTOMS,  I AM STILL HAVING SOME CRAMPING ON AND OFF AND YESTERDAY AND THIS MORNING A LITTLE LIGHT PINK/BROWN SPOTTING ON AND OFF. THE NURSE SAID THAT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL SO I AM GOING TO TONE DOWN THE WORRY AND JUST GO WITH IT. MY BBS STILL HURT AND ARE GETTING A LITTLE BIT FULLER, I AM STILL NAUSEOUS WHEN I AM HUNGRY AND KIND OF TIRED BUT NOT TOO BAD. 


I AM SO GRATEFUL AND HAPPY. I ALSO AM NOT TAKING A MOMENT OF THIS FOR GRANTED. I AM STILL HOPING THAT EVERYONE WHO IS STRUGGLING GETS THEIR BFP TOO.  I AM JUST SO THANKFUL FOR THIS CHANCE!

*** UPDATE - DUE TO THE CRAMPING AND SPOTTING CONTINUING I HAD TO GO IN TODAY FOR MORE BLOOD WORK  WHILE I WAS THERE I EXPRESSED MY GROWING CONCERN (DAMN NEAR PANIC ATTACK) TO MY FAVORITE NURSE, NONA, AND SHE PUSHED ME IN FOR A SONO. THE DOCTOR WHO I AM NOT IN THE LEAST BIT FOND OF CAME IN AND INFORMED ME THAT THEY WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SEE "THE PREGNANCY" THIS SOON BUT THEY WERE GOING TO CHECK MY CERVIX AND LINING AND TO SEE IF THERE WERE ANY BLEEDS. ALL LOOKED GOOD. CERVIX CLOSED. LINING THICK. NO PUDDLES OF FLUID. I WENT IN TO WORK HOLDING MY BREATHE FOR THE CALL. WHEN I GOT IT I WAS SO RELIEVED THAT OUR NUMBERS HAVE CONTINUED DOUBLING. RESULTS FOR BETA #3 HCG 296, ESTROIDOL 375 AND PROGESTERONE 38. ALL IN ALL IT SEEMS LIKE OUR LIL BUG IS NICE AND SNUG AND JUST CAUSING A RUCKUS. I HAVE TO TAKE IT EASY FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND GO BACK ON MONDAY, BUT OTHER THAN THAT EVERYTHING LOOKS AS IF ITS COMING ALONG JUST FINE.    

trying my damndest

TOMORROW IS THE DAY...OPT (OFFICIAL PREGNANCY TEST) I AM FREAKING OUT. I HONESTLY HAVE FELT LIKE THIS IS IT FROM MOMENT ONE AND NOW THAT I AM ON THE BRINK OF FINDING OUT FOR SURE I AM STARTING TO HAVE DOUBTS. I AM NOT DOUBTING BECAUSE ANYTHING FEELS DIFFERENT. I THINK IT IS JUST REFLEXIVE OF THE LAST 3 TIMES. 

LAST TIME I FOUND OUT WHEN I WAS AT WORK AND DAWN WAS AT HERS AND HAD TO LEAVE WORK BECAUSE I WAS HYSTERICAL TO THE POINT WHERE I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO VOMIT, PASS OUT OR BOTH. THIS TIME I AM OPTING FOR A DIFFERENT ROUTE. I AM GOING TO GET THE BLOOD WORK DONE IN THE AFTERNOON AND THEN HEAD STRAIGHT HOME. HOPEFULLY IT WILL BE TO CELEBRATE. IF NOT IT WILL BE TO CRAWL INTO BED< CURL UP AND CRY. IF IT IS BAD NEWS I SAVE MYSELF THE HORROR OF BEING AT WORK AND ALONE AND  I ALSO GET TO SAVE HER THE HORROR OF HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT ME BEING SO FAR AND SO UPSET. I HAVE TO ADMIT I WAS NOT SOUNDING RATIONAL...I WAS KIND OF SCARING MYSELF. 

THAT PLAN ASIDE I AM TRYING VERY HARD TO REMAIN POSITIVE AND HAVE TRULY BEEN TRYING TO EMBRACE THE WHOLE PUPO (PREGNANT UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE) THING. I HAVE BEEN DOING THE OLD "SYMPTOM" CHECKING (JUST OCCASIONALLY) BUT NO POAS. I KNOW THAT HAS BEEN SO HARD ON MY WIFE BUT SHE HELD OUT EVEN SUGGESTING IT UNTIL LAST NIGHT. SHE STOPPED WHEN I REMINDED HER SHE PROMISED. I HOPE SHE MAKES IT UNTIL TOMORROW. 

***DISCLAIMER*** THE FOLLOWING WILL BE "SYMPTOM" TALK BUT KEEP IN MIND I HAVE BEEN ON ESTRACE AND PROMETRIUM SINCE 11/26/12 SO ANY AND OR ALL OF THEM MAY BE MEDS RELATED (THOUGH I AM HOPING IT IS ALL BABY RELATED INSTEAD)

TODAY (@4PM) IS 6DP5DT) THIS IS WHAT I HAVE FELT SO FAR STARTING AROUND 3DP5DT :

• I HAVE BEEN STARVING TO THE POINT OF NAUSEA.  PROTEIN MAKES ME FEEL BETTER - MEAT, NUTS, CHEESE ETC...
• I HAVE BEEN HAVING CRAMPY/PULLING PAINS IN MY LOWER REGIONS
• I HAVE HAD SUPER SORE BBS. THEY ARE SORE ALL THE TIME BUT THEY HURT LIKE HELL WHEN THE BRA COMES OFF I AM EXHAUSTED (THOUGH MORE OFTEN THAN NOT I AM TIRED ANYWAY) 
• TMI ALERT - WHEN PUTTING IN THE PROMETRIUM I NOTICED MY INSIDES ARE KIND OF PUFFY. 
• TMI ALERT - THE LAST 2 DAYS I HAVE BEEN HAVING AN INCREASE IN CM
• I HAVE BEEN HAVING SOME TROUBLE ORGANIZING MY THOUGHTS 

SO THAT IS THAT IN A NUTSHELL UNLESS OF COURSE I AM FORGETTING SOMETHING...WISH US LUCK AND LOTS OF BABY DUST!! 

THE SHORTEST TWW EVER

IT SEEMS TO ME LIKE MY TWWs ARE JUST GETTING SHORTER AND SHORTER. FET WAS ON FRIDAY 11/30 AND OPT (OFFICIAL PREGNANCY TEST) IS FRIDAY 12/7 - LAST I CHECKED THAT IS ONLY ONE WEEK. I AM SO CONFUSED. 

**QUICK FET RECAP - NEVER A DULL MOMENT - WAITED 2 HOURS FOR TRANSFER (I REFUSE TO GET MYSELF UPSET BY DETAILING WHAT OCCURRED RIGHT BEFORE MY TRANSFER WAS FINALLY DONE)  AND THEN AS PER THE DOCTOR IT WAS "DIFFICULT" BECAUSE I AM CURVY INSIDE AND THE CATHETER IS NOT. WTF! AFTER ALL WAS SAID AND DONE IT WOUND UP BEING  A (ALMOST) COMPLETELY HATCHED BLAST AND IS NOW SITUATED IN MY UTERUS -  HOPEFULLY ALL SNUGGLED UP AND HOLDING ON TIGHT FOR THE NEXT 9 MONTHS. I GUESS WE WILL FIND OUT FRIDAY.

***PIC UPDATE*** (didn' t have them with me the other day)

our almost completely hatched blast - perfect if you ask me

all snuggled in after much prodding and poking - left of center towards the bottom - it is what looks like 3 stacked lil white dots - only 1 embie but it was trailing the shell so it looks stacked (do you notice my extra curvy insides?) 

today is brought to you by the number ...

I AM SITTING AT MY DESK COUNTING DOWN THE HOURS UNTIL I LEAVE AND HEAD TO FET NUMBER 4. THE LAST ONE WAS EXACTLY 4 WEEKS AGO TODAY. I AM EXCITED...ODD RIGHT? I DON'T KNOW WHY AND I DON'T REALLY CARE...I'M THINKING POSITIVE AND PRAYING THAT THIS ONE WILL BE IT. I AM A LITTLE SAD THAT MY WIFE WON'T BE ABLE TO BE THERE WITH ME TODAY...SHE COULDN'T GET OFF FROM WORK SO I AM GOING IT ALONE...BUT I KNOW SHE IS WITH ME IN SPIRIT AND SHE WILL COME AND GET ME A LITTLE WHILE AFTER SO AT LEAST THERE IS THAT. OK PEOPLE...YOU KNOW THE DRILL...BABY DUST AND POSITIVE VIBES PLEASE!!

My Christmas wish list

DEAR SANTA, 

I WAS ONLY BAD ONCE THIS YEAR. OK, MAYBE MORE THAN ONCE...BUT LET'S BE HONEST, WHO HASN'T BEEN AT LEAST A LITTLE BAD (AND I AM WAY NICER THAN I AM NAUGHTY.) BY THE WAY, I SHOULD NOT BE HELD AT ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR MY WIFE'S BEHAVIOR.  SO, I AM GONNA ASK FOR A FEW THINGS THIS YEAR...NONE OF IT WILL COST YOU A CENT AND ITS REALLY THE SAME THINGS I ASK FROM GOD SO MAYBE THE TWO OF YOU CAN SPLIT THE LIST AND GET IT COVERED. 

1) I WOULD LIKE GOOD HEALTH AND HAPPINESS FOR ALL OF MY LOVED ONES. 

2) I WOULD LIKE MY SONS TO CONTINUE TO BE SUCCESSFUL.

3) I WOULD LIKE FOR EVERYONE SUFFERING THROUGH INFERTILITY ISSUES TO FIND PEACE AND CALM AMID THE CHAOS.

4) I WOULD LIKE TO GET PREGNANT AND STAY PREGNANT AND HAVE A HEALTHY HAPPY BEAUTIFUL BABY...PLEASE...PRETTY PLEASE

SINCERELY,
MICHELLE

P.S. I WILL THROW IN SOME EXTRA COOKIES AND TOSS IN A COUPLE OF BEERS INSTEAD OF MILK IF YOU HELP ME OUT

Down the rabbit hole

SO NOT MUCH GOING ON EXCEPT THE USUAL CHAOS OF AN IVF CYCLE. I WENT BACK TO NHFC THIS PAST MONDAY. DAWN TOOK THE DAY OFF AND CAME WITH ME. SHE WAS MAD AS A HATTER (ANOTHER ALICE IN WONDERLAND REFERENCE) THAT THE LAST FET DIDN'T TAKE. THE NIGHT BEFORE WE CAME UP WITH A LIST OF QUESTIONS AND CONCERNS. THAT MORNING SHE GOT HERSELF ALL RILED UP (WHICH IS ALWAYS GOOD WHEN WE GO THERE) AND READY TO GO TOE TO TOE. SHE GOT SHIT DONE OR AT LEAST SHE GOT OUR FEELINGS AND QUESTIONS ABOUT WHY SHIT ISN'T GETTING DONE OUT IN THE OPEN. I GO THERE AND INSTANTLY FEEL HELPLESS, VULNERABLE AND BROKEN. SO, WHEN I AM ALONE I NEVER MANAGE TO DO MORE THAN NOD AND AGREE TO DO AS I AM TOLD (VERY UNLIKE MY NORMAL PERSONALITY) ANYWAY, SHE RIPPED DR. Z A NEW BUTTHOLE. I THINK EVERY TIME SHE DOES THAT I FALL IN LOVE WITH HER ALL OVER AGAIN. HOWEVER... IT DIDN'T MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE. HE STILL SAYS EVERYTHING LOOKED GOOD WITH ME AND THE EMBRYO AND THERE SEEMS TO BE NO PROBLEMS SO IT JUST MAY HAVE BEEN THAT EMBRYO, WHILE PERFECT LOOKING, HAD SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT. HE WANTS TO KEEP ME ON AN UNMEDICATED CYCLE FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE AND SAID BASICALLY WE JUST KEEP GOING. SO HEAD MEET WALL...AGAIN...AND AGAIN...WASH RINSE REPEAT. SO PLEASE KEEP YOUR FINGERS, TOES, EYES AND WHATEVER ELSE YOU CAN CROSSED FOR US. MAYBE THIS WILL BE THE ONE TO MAKE IT ALL THE WAY. 

just call me crazy

I CLEARLY MUST BE CRAZY. I GUESS WE ARE ALL A LITTLE MAD FROM THIS WHOLE IVF THING. I MEAN THE WHOLE POINT OF IT IS TO KEEP GOING AND GOING AND GOING UNTIL WE GET A DIFFERENT RESULT... THE EVER ELUSIVE BFP.

HOWEVER, WHEN DO YOU CALL IT QUITS? I HAVE SEEN PEOPLE TRYING FOR UPWARDS OF 7 YEARS, SOME WITH 14+ TRANSFERS. MY HEART GOES OUT TO THEM AND I APPLAUD THEIR BRAVERY AND DETERMINATION. BUT FOR US WE ARE OUT OF STRENGTH, MONEY AND RESOURCES. NOT TO MENTION I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE THE PERSON THIS JOURNEY HAS LEFT BEHIND WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR. SO, OUR END WILL BE WHEN WE HAVE NO MORE FROSTIES. WE CURRENTLY HAVE 3. WE HAD 5 AND THAT SEEMED LIKE SUCH A WONDERFUL SAFE NUMBER. I WAS SURE THAT GUARANTEED US A BFP. I FIGURED WE WOULD NEVER GO THROUGH THAT MANY...THEN SOME HOW 2 MORE BFNs SNUCK UP ON US. 3 SEEMS LIKE SUCH A SMALL NUMBER. IT SEEMS LIKE A NUMBER TOO EASY TO BLOW THROUGH. OF COURSE, AS OF NOW WE HAVE HAD 3 FAILED FETs SO THAT COULD HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY DISTRESS OVER THE NUMBER 3. BUT THAT IS WHAT IT IS. 3. WE HAVE 3 MORE TRIES. 

HOW I SURVIVED THE LAST 3 BFNs IS STILL A QUESTION I CAN'T ANSWER. FRANKLY, I AM STILL TRYING TO STOP CRYING EVERY FEW MINUTES AFTER THE LAST ONE. HOW I AM EVEN GOING TO GET THROUGH 1 MORE IS BEYOND ME. I WANT TO THROW UP JUST WRITING ABOUT IT. SO ONCE AGAIN I AM TRYING TO THROW A GAG OVER THAT LITTLE VOICE IN MY HEAD THAT KEEPS TELLING ME THIS IS NEVER GONNA WORK AND I AM HOPING WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING THAT OUR MEASLY 3 IS WAY MORE THAN WE WILL EVER NEED BECAUSE OF COURSE WE WILL GET OUR BFP THE NEXT TRANSFER. 

ON A SIDE NOTE ALL THAT RAH RAH CHEERLEADING BULLSHIT THAT I JUST SAID IS NOT REALLY WORKING. I AM NOT GETTING BETTER. I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE FEELING BETTER. I HONESTLY JUST WANT TO CRAWL INTO BED, IN THE DARK, AND LIE THERE...INDEFINITELY. IT DOES NOT GET EASIER. IT JUST GETS HARDER.

NORMALLY A NURSE CALLS WITH THE BAD NEWS...FAIRLY LATE IN THE DAY...I GUESS THEY WANT TO LEAVE THE FUCKED UP NEWS FOR LAST...OR MAYBE THEY DRAW STRAWS TO SEE WHO GETS THE SHIT CALLS AND THAT PERSON PUTS IT OFF UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE SO THEY CAN GO HOME RIGHT AFTER AND NUMB THEMSELVES WITH ALCOHOL FOR DELIVERING SUCH AWFUL NEWS AND BREAKING SO MANY HEARTS...OK, OK, MAYBE I AM PROJECTING A LITTLE. (PART OF ME DOES HOPE THEY FEEL BAD THOUGH, EVEN IF IT ISN'T THEIR FAULT.) ANYWAY...LIKE I SAID, NORMALLY IT IS SOME NURSE THAT CALLS, THIS TIME I PICKED UP AND IT WAS THE HEAD DOCTOR...MY HEART JUMPED, SURELY THAT MEANS IT IS GOOD NEWS...AND THEN HE SAID "I AM SORRY". I COULDN'T EVEN TALK. I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER MUCH ELSE OF WHAT HE SAID...PERFECT EMBRYO...DON'T UNDERSTAND...NO REASON...NOT GETTING PREGNANT...JUST WORDS FLOATING BY ME AS MY HEART SHATTERED INTO A BILLION PIECES AS I SAT AT MY DESK BY MYSELF. ALL I COULD REALLY THINK WAS "HOW AM I GOING TO TELL MY WIFE I FAILED US AGAIN. NOW WAIT. I KNOW I KNOW...I DIDN'T FAIL HER, IT'S NOT MY FAULT, DON'T SAY THAT, ETC... I HAVE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE, ESPECIALLY FROM HER. IT DOESN'T MATTER - IT IS HOW I FEEL. I FEEL LIKE A FREAKIN FAILURE. I FEEL LIKE NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE AND I AM JUST GOING TO KEEP RUNNING THROUGH OUR EMBRYOS UNTIL THERE ARE NONE LEFT. I FEEL LIKE I AM KILLING OUR DREAM ONE TRANSFER AT A TIME. 

THESE FEELINGS SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME. THE THOUGHT OF THE NEXT CYCLE SCARES ME. (I GO BACK NEXT MONDAY 11/19) THE THOUGHT OF COMING TO THE END OF OUR JOURNEY SO QUICKLY SCARES ME TOO. SOMETIMES IT SEEMS LIKE WE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOREVER AND SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE ITS MOVING TOWARDS THE END TOO QUICK. WOULD WE CONTINUE IF WE HAD MORE MONEY? MAYBE. MAYBE NOT. I WOULD HAVE SAID YES A YEAR AGO. I WOULD HAVE SAID YES 6 MONTHS AGO. THIS IS JUST TOO HARD SOME DAYS...LATELY, MORE DAYS THAN NOT. 

Gutted

So it was negative. I feel sick. I keep crying. I feel hopeless. Another "perfect" embryo destroyed by my body. I am at a loss...

IN THE OFFICIAL WAIT - 3RD TIMES A CHARM

SO ON FRIDAY NOVEMBER  2, 2012 @ 2PM WE TRANSFERRED 1 PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL 5 DAY HATCHING BLASTOCYST. I GO IN FOR BETA THIS FRIDAY THE 9TH, JUST A MERE 4 MORE MORNINGS FROM NOW. I AM PRETTY CALM. I AM RELAXED AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE AND JUST WAITING IT OUT. I'M NOT REALLY FEELING ANY "SYMPTOMS" BUT THEN AGAIN I AM NOT REALLY TRYING TO ANALYZE ANYTHING. FINGERS CROSSED AND LOTS OF BABY DUST PLEASE. WE WOULD LIKE THIS ONE TO STICK IT OUT WITH US.

post Sandy prayers

SANDY HAS DEVASTATED THE LIVES OF SO MANY. WE WERE LUCKY. ALL OF MY LOVED ONES ARE SAFE AND SOUND WITH LITTLE TO NO DAMAGE. I AM PRAYING FOR EVERYONE WHO HAS SUFFERED DURING THIS TERRIBLE ACT OF NATURE. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU ALL.

me being mushy

"She has made all of the difference. She was worth it. And knowing that it leads me to her, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat."- Kacy Buccumini

The Day we made it legal, August 17, 2011

photo by Katie Jane @ katiejanephoto.com

irresistible you

Me, my niece Amiyah and my nephew Dirk

I am kind of hooked. I thought my heart would break a little more each time I saw you, lil miss. I was wrong.  When I hold you I forget my own pain just a little. When I look into your eyes I do not see my own failure but instead I see hope. You have made me fall in love with you. I love you and your brother as I love my own kids. I am sorry I ever doubted how much you would mean to me.  I promise I will be even better as we get to know each other. I will try my best to be the kind of Aunt you come to when mom gets to be a pain in the ass. ( and trust me, she is my little sister so I know she is a pain in the ass) Thank you for reminding me that all things are possible.

LOVE

David, Ryan, our nephew Dirk and our niece Amiyah



THAT THERE IS A BUNCH OF PIECES OF MY HEART ALL SITTING ON THE COUCH.  LOVE COMES IN ALL SIZES, COLORS AND SHAPES...AND YET IT STILL FITS IN THE HEART JUST THE SAME.

a little closer

WE ARE A LITTLE CLOSER TO TRANSFER. AS OF SUNDAY MY ESTRADIOL WAS STILL A LITTLE LOW SO THEY DOUBLED MY E*STRACE. I GO BACK IN ON THURSDAY JUST FOR BLOOD WORK, THEN IT LOOKS LIKE THEY WILL START ME ON P*RO*METRIUM FROM THEN ON TILL TRANSFER WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON NOVEMBER 1ST. HOPEFULLY THERE WILL BE NO ISSUES OR DEVIATIONS FROM THE PLAN AND ALL WILL GO SMOOTHLY. FINGERS CROSSED.

in a nutshell

tick tock

STILL WAITING. WENT TO THE DOCTOR SUNDAY AND HAD A FEW SMALL FOLLIES AND LINING STILL THIN. STARTED ESTRACE 2MG NIGHTLY FROM SUNDAY ON. HEADING BACK AGAIN BY MYSELF ON FRIDAY. MOST LIKELY HE WILL PUT ME ON THE PROGESTERONE ALONG WITH THE ESTRACE AT THAT POINT. IF MY CALCULATIONS ARE RIGHT AND ALL GOES WELL (ROLLING EYES) TRANSFER WILL MOST LIKELY BE AROUND 10/25. I AM NOT HOLDING MY BREATHE. EVERY TIME I DO ALL I GET IS LIGHTHEADED. THIS FORCED 2 MONTH BREAK HAS NOT DONE ME ANY GOOD AT ALL. ALL THE WORSE CASE SCENARIOS HAVE BEEN RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD AT TOP SPEED NON STOP. I AM KIND OF DREADING EVERY TIME I STEP INTO THAT OFFICE. I WISH DAWN COULD GO WITH ME TO EVERY APPOINTMENT. OH WELL. I WILL JUST KEEP WAITING.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN

Ryan 16yrs ago

TODAY IS RYAN'S 16TH BIRTHDAY. I DIDN'T HAVE THE PLEASURE OF KNOWING HIM WHEN HE WAS THIS LITTLE. HE CAME INTO MY LIFE WHEN HE WAS JUST UNDER 2YRS OLD. HOWEVER, I LOVE HIM AS IF I'D BEEN THERE FROM THE START AND I WOULD DIE AND OR KILL FOR HIM AS I WOULD FOR DAVID. HE IS FUNNY AND SMART AND SENSITIVE AND OH SO QUIRKY. HE IS ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE UP THE PERFECT RYAN. LIKE ANY OTHER TEEN HE COULD BE A MAJOR PAIN IN THE ASS BUT I AM SO GRATEFUL HE IS ONE OF MY ASS PAINS. HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN. I LOVE YOU AND WOULDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOU.

THEY WERE SOOOO LITTLE. TIME FLIES :(

OUR TWO 16YR OLDS AND ADORABLE NEPHEW

TTC UPDATE

So my last appointment was on 10/8, which is also my beautiful wife's birthday. We were all off for the holiday so she got to come with me. I pretty much had a nervous breakdown in the car on our way there and cried for about 45 minutes hysterically until I calmed down enough to go up. She was very sweet and wonderful and tried very hard to get me to get a grip. I know it freaks her out when I lose it but she is such a trooper. She had my back through the whole thing and just let me vent. The appointment itself was whatever...nothing new...but Dawn did light in to the Doctor for being a douche and missing ovulation last cycle. She was amazing. She said all the things to him that I can never seem to voice when I am there by myself. We cried some more there and we cried some more at home. We go back this Sunday.Hopefully it will be better and we are a little closer. 

A new niece

ON SATURDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2012, at 10:22pm, THE DAY BEFORE MY SISTER'S 28TH BIRTHDAY, SHE GAVE BIRTH TO MY BRAND NEW AND VERY BEAUTIFUL NIECE, AMIYAH DESTINY. SHE WAS 6lbs 11oz AND 19in LONG. 

I AM NOT GONNA LIE. MY FEELINGS ARE A HUGE MIX OF HIGHS AND LOWS. I AM VERY HAPPY FOR HER. I AM SO GRATEFUL SHE MADE IT HERE HEALTHY AND ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. (MY POOR SISTER HAD A REALLY SCARY AND DIFFICULT PREGNANCY) THERE WERE SO MANY TIMES DURING THE LAST 9mths THAT I FOUND MYSELF BEGGING GOD TO MAKE SURE SHE WAS OK... BUT I AM SAD FOR ME (US). I AM MORE THAN A LITTLE JEALOUS AND I DIDN'T FEEL THE INSTANT STARS IN MY EYES LOVE WITH HER THAT I FELT WHEN MY SISTER HAD HER SON. WITH HIM IT WAS INSTANT. I HELD HIM WHEN HE WAS AN HOUR OLD AND I SWORE THAT I WOULD LOVE HIM LIKE HE WAS MY OWN. WITH THE BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO EVEN HOLD HER UNTIL THE NEXT DAY EVEN THOUGH I SAW HER A FEW MINUTES AFTER SHE WAS BORN. I WAS AFRAID. AFRAID OF WHAT I WOULD FEEL. AFRAID OF THE PERSON THIS WHOLE IVF PROCESS HAS MADE ME. I HELD HER THE NEXT DAY AND I FELT WARM AND FUZZY BUT NO LIGHTNING STRIKE. 

I LOVE HER. I FEEL PROTECTIVE OF HER. WHEN SHE CRIED MY HEART ACHED... IT JUST FEELS DIFFERENT. MY WIFE SAYS IT IS BECAUSE SHE IS NOT THE VERY FIRST (WE HAVE 4 NEPHEWS BETWEEN THE 2 OF US. THEY ARE 5 1/2, 5, 4 AND 1 yrs OLD) AND BECAUSE OF OUR CIRCUMSTANCES BEING DIFFERENT NOW THAN WHEN MY NEPHEW WAS BORN. THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. I EXPECTED LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT...AND INSTEAD I AM GOING TO HAVE TO WORK AT FALLING IN LOVE SLOWLY. I CAN DO THAT. I HOPE AMIYAH IS PATIENT WITH ME AND WE CAN WORK IT OUT TOGETHER.

feeling very unfeeling

NOT SURE WHY (SINCE NOT MUCH IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW) BUT I AM FEELING NUMB. I GUESS NUMB IS THE ABSENCE OF FEELING BUT IT SEEMS TO BE A FEELING ALL UNTO ITSELF. I DON'T THINK I HAVE QUITE BOUNCED BACK FROM OUR LAST FAILED TRANSFER. ALL THE BULLSHIT BUMPS IN THE ROAD SINCE THEN DEFINITELY HAVEN'T HELPED A BIT. 

WE ARE HEADING BACK TO N*EW HO*PE FER*TIL*ITY CE*NT*ER ON OCTOBER 8 (MY DARLING WIFE'S BIRTHDAY). SO, I SHOULD BE GETTING EXCITED, NERVOUS, ANXIOUS...SOMETHING. YET, I FEEL NOTHING. I FEEL ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. WELL, MAYBE TIRED. YEAH...TIRED. OTHER THAN TIRED, NOTHING.I AM NOT SURE WHAT IF ANYTHING TO MAKE OF THIS. ON ONE HAND, ITS GOOD THAT I AM NOT STRESSED OR SAD. ON THE OTHER, ITS PROBABLY NOT SO GOOD THAT I AM SO...DETACHED.  MAYBE IT IS MY MIND AND/OR MY HEART TRYING TO PROTECT ME FROM THE PROVERBIAL STRAW/CAMEL SITUATION. MAYBE SOMETHING BROKE ALONG THE WAY THAT IS TAKING A REALLY LONG TIME TO HEAL. 

WHATEVER THE CASE...ONWARD WE MARCH INTO ANOTHER (AND DARE I SAY,  HOPEFULLY LAST NEEDED) FET CYCLE. 

sitting it out again

AND JUST LIKE THAT THIS CYCLE IS CANCELLED. WHY, YOU ASK? WELL BECAUSE THE STUPID DOCTOR MISSED MY OVULATION. MY LAST APPOINTMENT WAS CD 13 AND HE GAVE ME A FOLLOW UP WITH TOO MANY DAYS IN BETWEEN (8) AND BLEW IT. I KNEW IT. SATURDAY I FELT IT. WE HAD A LONG DAY AND WE GOT HOME AROUND 7 PM. I FELT THE PAIN I ALWAYS FEEL WHEN I OVULATE AND I JUST FREAKING KNEW IT. I HAD TO LEAVE FOR NJ THE NEXT MORNING AT 6AM SO I KNEW I COULDN'T MAKE THE DOCTOR SO I DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER CALLING.  TODAY IS MY CD21 AND WHEN I WOKE UP I JUST KNEW THIS WAS WHAT I WAS GONNA HEAR. SO NOW I HAVE TO SIT IT OUT UNTIL 10/9. BY THEN I SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST STARTED MY PERIOD AND HOPEFULLY WE WILL BE ON TRACK...UNLESS...WELL, UNLESS OUR PLAN CHANGES.

THINGS I KNOW AND THINGS I DON'T

YESTERDAY WAS PRETTY HARD. WE WENT TO MY SISTERS TO SEE MY NEPHEWS FLAG FOOTBALL GAME AND THEN PUT TOGETHER HER NURSERY FURNITURE. IT WAS KIND OF PAINFUL. I DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE.  I PRAYED IT WOULDN'T BE. I AM NOT HANDY AT ALL SO I HUNG OUT WITH MY NEPHEW WHILE THE REST OF MY FAMILY (MY DAD, MY SONS, BROTHER IN LAW ETC...) PUT THE STUFF TOGETHER. WATCHING MY WIFE PUT TOGETHER STROLLERS AND SWINGS AND PACK N PLAYS FOR A BABY THAT ISN'T OURS WAS MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE. I HELD IT TOGETHER YESTERDAY (AT LEAST ABOUT 98%) ONLY SHE SAW MY TEAR RIMMED EYES. TODAY I FEEL DEFLATED. I WANT SO BAD TO BE HAPPY AND EXCITED AND NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY OR ALL THE THINGS I PICTURE DOING WITH MY SOON TO BE BORN (LESS THAN 3 WKS) NIECE, NOTHING WORKS. I AM MISERABLE. I AM TORN BETWEEN FEELING GUILTY ABOUT NOT BEING CLOSE ENOUGH TO HER TO HELP WITH THE BABY AND RELIEVED TO BE AS FAR AS I AM. I FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE PERSON. 

TOMORROW I HAVE ANOTHER SONO AND MORE BLOODS TO SEE IF WE ARE ANY CLOSER TO OUR 3RD FET. IF IT GOES HOW IT SHOULD WE SHOULD ONLY BE @ A WEEK AWAY. I CAN'T MUSTER ANY EXCITEMENT ABOUT IT. I ONLY FEEL ANXIOUS AND PREPARED FOR THE WORST. I KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT THIS WILL BE IT, THIS WILL BE THE ONE, 3RD TIMES A CHARM, ETC... BUT THEN I FOLLOW IT UP WITH A QUICK "I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE" BEFORE I CAN EVEN PROCESS THE FIRST THOUGHT. THIS WHOLE THING HAS ME FEELING SCHIZO. I KNOW ALL THE "RIGHT" THINGS TO TELL MYSELF BUT I JUST CANT FEEL THEM. 

FOR EXAMPLE... I KNOW THAT YOU AREN'T EVEN TECHNICALLY CONSIDERED "INFERTILE" UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN UNSUCCESSFULLY BUT ACTIVELY TRYING TO NATURALLY CONCEIVE FOR A YEAR, SIX MONTHS AT MY AGE. I KNOW SINCE CLEARLY THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE (YOU KNOW THAT WHOLE NOT A PENIS BETWEEN US THING) THAT WE WERE KIND OF LABELED INFERTILE FROM THE JUMP. I KNOW THAT THERE WAS A A DIFFERENCE IN OPINION BETWEEN MY OLD DOCTOR (09) AND NEW DOCTOR (SINCE 2011) ABOUT HOW LOW MY OVARIAN RESERVE REALLY IS. I KNOW I AM SEVERELY OVERWEIGHT. I KNOW I AM NOW 36 YRS OLD.I ALSO KNOW THAT WE ONLY DID 1 HOME IUI BACK IN 9/09.   I KNOW THAT THE ONLY TRANSFERS WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO ARE FET AND THAT WE HAVE ONLY DONE 2 SO FAR. WE DID ONE IN 11/11 AND ONE IN 7/12. THIS WILL BE OUR 3RD. I KNOW THE KNOWN DONOR WE USED FOR THE IUI AND THE 1ST FET WAS A POOR CHOICE. SWEET GUY, GOOD INTENTIONS, BAD BAD SPERM. I KNOW THIS WHOLE THING HAS MADE ME CRAZY AND TAKEN A TOLL ON EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE AND ALL OF MY RELATIONSHIPS. I KNOW THIS HAS ALSO KICKED THE CRAP OUT OF US FINANCIALLY. I KNOW I AM LUCKY TO HAVE THE AMAZING SON THAT I GAVE BIRTH TOO AS WELL AS THE AMAZING SON WHO CAME INTO MY LIFE BEFORE HE WAS EVEN 2... BUT I KNOW  I STILL BADLY WANT A BABY WITH MY WIFE. 

I ALSO HAVE A SHIT LOAD OF STUFF I DON'T KNOW.  I DON'T KNOW HOW MY KIDS WOULD FEEL IF THEY KNEW WE WERE GOING THROUGH ALL THIS. I DON'T KNOW IF I AM EVEN TECHNICALLY CONSIDERED INFERTILE' I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE WHO READS THIS GETS PISSED AT ME FOR MY FEELING THAT LABEL SUITS ME. I DON'T KNOW IF THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF I WAS DIFFERENT (YOUNGER, SKINNIER, STRAIGHT). I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER IF I COULD. I DON'T KNOW WHY THE LAST FET DIDN'T WORK. I DON'T KNOW IF THE NEXT ONE WILL. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DEAL WITH ANOTHER FAILURE. I DON'T KNOW HOW I WILL DEAL WITH A SUCCESS. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN CONTINUE. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GIVE UP.  

SO YOU SEE HERE IN LIES THE PROBLEM. ALL THIS STUFF IS MIXED UP IN MY HEAD AT ANY GIVEN POINT. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RECONCILE ALL OF THIS SO THAT I CAN KEEP MOVING FORWARD...IN WHICHEVER DIRECTION LIFE TAKES ME.

a lil self encouragement

take 3 better take

AND AWAY WE GO INTO OUR 3RD FET CYCLE. TODAY IS MY CD13. THIS HAS BEEN MY 2ND VISIT THIS CYCLE AND SO FAR...BLAH. MY LINING IS 9.2 AND MY LEADING FOLLICLE IS 11. SO I AM STILL IN THE WAIT. MY NEXT APPOINTMENT IS NEXT TUESDAY, MY CYCLE DAY 21. I OVULATE REALLY LATE EVERY MONTH AND SINCE WE ARE DOING A 5 DAY FET, IT LOOKS LIKE TRANSFER WILL BE THE VERY LAST/FIRST  DAY OF SEPT/OCT. I AM FEELING...AMBIVALENT. THAT IS PRETTY MUCH IT IN A NUTSHELL.

just grateful

                      RYAN (16 NEXT MONTH)  AND DAVID (17 IN JANUARY)


JUST TAKING A MOMENT TO REALLY BE GRATEFUL FOR THESE TWO AMAZING YOUNG MEN. I LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT MY LIFE WOULD BE LIKE WITHOUT THEM. OUR BABIES ARE NOT BABIES ANYMORE :(

indulge me - a self pity post

I AM USUALLY ANGRY OR SAD OR STRESSED OR WHAT NOT... I DON'T USUALLY FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. YUP... I'M TAKING THE LOW ROAD TODAY. ANOTHER FRIEND HAD A BABY. I AM HAPPY FOR HER. SHE IS A LIL OLDER THAN ME HAS BEEN WITH HER HUSBAND FOR OVER 20YRS AND THEY FINALLY HAVE THEIR BABY. A WHOLE LOT OF TRYING BUT NO MEDICAL INTERVENTION AT ALL. I AM ACTUALLY THRILLED FOR HER. SHE IS A GREAT PERSON AND IS GONNA BE AN AWESOME MOM BUT NOW I AM FEELING BAD FOR MYSELF.  ANOTHER FRIEND WHO IS A FEW YEARS OLDER AND ONLY MARRIED A YEAR JUST ANNOUNCED SHE IS SIX MONTHS PREGNANT!!! ONE MORE AND I MAY LOSE MY MIND ... OH YEAH AND MY SISTER IS DUE IN 5 WEEKS (ALTHOUGH I AM SURE SHE WILL GO SOONER) I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE HOW I AM GONNA SURVIVE THAT. I JUST WANNA PACK A BAG AND RUN AWAY.  

I KNOW WE HAVE TWO AMAZING KIDS (ALMOST MEN) BUT I CAN'T HELP IT... I AM FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. I AM FEELING LIKE I AM WATCHING THE WHOLE WORLD GET PREGNANT AND HAVE BABIES WHILE I SIT ON THE SIDE LINES. I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT MAKES SENSE OR IS EVEN FAIR FOR ME TO SAY SINCE I HAVE BEEN PREGNANT AND  BLESSED WITH MY SON AND THEN BLESSED AGAIN WITH MY STEPSON WHEN HE WAS JUST 2 YRS OLD. I JUST CAN'T MAKE IT GO AWAY. ALL THE BULLSHIT ABOUT MY AGE (36) AND A BUNCH OF MY FRIENDS ALL SAME AGE OR OLDER HAVE HAD BABIES IN THE LAST 2 YRS. SOME THEIR FIRST, SOME SECOND, SOME EVEN THIRD. I AM TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT MY WEIGHT... SOME WERE BIG GIRLS LIKE ME SOME A LIL BIGGER, ONLY ONE WAS  "PERFECT SIZE" "PERFECTLY IN SHAPE" PERFECTLY HEALTHY" BLAH BLAH BLAH... 

SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DEAL? AND YEAH... I AM GONNA SAY IT... WHY ME? WHY YOU? WHY ANY OF US? MAYBE ITS THE WHOLE CD2 OF FET#3 THING THAT HAS ME FEELING EXTRA NUTS TODAY. I SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO KNOW WHAT THOSE ABBREVIATIONS ARE LET ALONE HAVE TO USE THEM IN A SENTENCE...NOBODY SHOULD.

I DON'T WISH THIS CRAP ON ANYONE...BUT WHY THE HELL AM I STARING AT A PICTURE OF SNOOKI'S BABY ON THE COVER OF A MAGAZINE WHEN FOR HOW MANY SEASONS HAVE I BEEN WATCHING THAT GIRL DRINK HERSELF TO OBLIVION, FALL INTO BUSHES, GET ARRESTED, SLEEP WITH WHOEVER, FLASH HER HOOHA ALL OVER THE PLACE AND SPEAK INCOHERENTLY EVEN WHILE SOBER???? FRIGGIN SNOOKI?!?!?

(SHAKING MY FISTS AT THE SKY WHILE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS)  WHAT THE FUCK UNIVERSE??? ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?????

OK. I AM DONE. HOPE YOUR DAY IS BETTER THAN MINE.



**UPDATED AS OF 9/27/12 - 3 MORE PREGNANT FRIENDS ALL THE SAME AGE OR OLDER THAN ME.  THIS SHIT IS GETTING OLD AS HELL.  BITTER? YUP.  SAD ABOUT BEING BITTER?  DOUBLE YUP.  HOPING TO GET OUT OF THIS FUNK AND START FEELING HAPPY?  THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH YUPS IN THE WORLD.  FOR THE RECORD... I AM HAPPY FOR ALL OF THESE PEOPLE AND ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE SUCCESS...I'M JUST SAD FOR ME AND ALL OF THOSE WHO DON'T.

Tangled thoughts and feelings

IF EACH ONE OF THESE RUBBER BANDS WAS A DIFFERENT THOUGHT OR FEELING AND YOU MULTIPLIED THEM BY 100, THIS IS WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IN THE INSIDE OF MY HEAD. RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T GET MY HEAD STRAIGHT. I CAN'T TALK ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING BECAUSE IT ISN'T CLEAR ENOUGH TO FORM INTO SPOKEN WORDS. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SORT OUT MY THOUGHTS. I JUST KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW MY LOWS ARE MORE THAN MY HIGHS AND IT HAPPENS FROM ONE MINUTE TO THE NEXT. I AM BETTER WHEN I AM BUSY. THE FIRST SIGN OF DOWN TIME AND ITS LIKE SOMEONE POKES A HOLE IN THE DAM. 

MONEY, THE BOYS, MY PARENTS, MY SISTER, MY JOB, OUR MARRIAGE,  THE IVF... ITS ALL WEIGHING ON MY MIND AND MORE. I FEEL LIKE THERE IS A WEIGHT ON MY CHEST SOMETIMES AND I CAN'T EVEN BREATHE BECAUSE OF IT. I WORRY TOO MUCH. I KNOW. I JUST CAN NOT HELP IT. THE IVF STUFF HAS MADE ME CRAZY. WE ARE GONNA TRY AGAIN...IF IT DOESN'T WORK (PLEASE GOD, LET IT WORK) WE WILL STILL HAVE 3 FROSTIES LEFT. THE PROBLEM IS...I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO TRY AGAIN RIGHT AWAY AFTER THAT OR WAIT A LITTLE...OR A LOT. I JUST TURNED 36. MY WIFE WILL BE 42 SOON. BOTH BOYS ARE STARTING THEIR JUNIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL TOMORROW. HOW LONG DO I WANNA WAIT? HOW LONG CAN I WAIT? HOW LONG CAN I GO ON? I DON'T WANT TO WAIT SO LONG THAT THE BOYS LEAVE FOR COLLEGE AND WE WELCOME A NEW BABY. I DO NOT WANT THEM TO THINK WE ARE REPLACING THEM AND I CERTAINLY DO NOT WANT THEM TO BE GONE SO SOON WITHOUT HAVING GOTTEN TO SPEND ANY TIME WITH A NEW SIBLING...OF COURSE THIS IS ASSUMING THIS ALL WORKS...BUT I ALSO CAN NOT SIT HERE AND SAY THAT I AM 100% CERTAIN I WANT TO COMMIT TO DOING THIS BACK TO BACK TILL WE REACH THE END ANYMORE. I AM SO TORN. 

EVEN WRITING THAT WAS EXHAUSTING AND LEFT ME FEELING SICK. I THINK I AM DONE WRITING FOR NOW...

OUT AGAIN

THE ABOVE PRETTY MUCH DEFINES WHAT I SAY VS. HOW I FEEL. IT WOULD BE EASIER IF NO ONE ASKED. THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO ADD LIAR TO MY LIST OF SELF DESCRIBING ADJECTIVES.

WE ARE OUT ANOTHER CYCLE. I DON'T GO BACK FOR ANOTHER THREE WEEKS. I AM CRUSHED. 

I WENT FOR MORE BLOOD AND ANOTHER SONO TODAY AND IT TURNS OUT THERE IS SOME FLUID IN MY UTERINE CAVITY. THEY WERE NOT 100% SURE WHAT IT IS BUT THE ARE PRETTY SURE ITS BLOOD. MORE LIKELY THAN NOT, FROM THE HYSTEROSCOPY. SO AS PER THE DOCTOR THIS DOES NOT MAKE MY UTERUS A "GOOD ENVIRONMENT FOR AN EMBRYO" JUST FOR THE RECORD...FUCK YOU VERY MUCH DR. Z. OK WELL, MAYBE THAT WAS HARSH. IN MY DEFENSE I AM ALL KINDS OF ANGRY RIGHT NOW (AS WELL AS SAD, TIRED, FRUSTRATED ETC...) AND I NEED TO FIGURE OUT SOMEONE TO BE ANGRY AT OTHER THAN MYSELF. HE IS AS GOOD A TARGET AS ANY.

I MEAN FINE, BEING CAUTIOUS AND WAITING THIS MONTH OUT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO BUT THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. THE HYSTEROSCOPY WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE TO "STIMULATE MORE BLOOD FLOW" AND MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR AN FET. THAT SHIT DID THE FUCKING OPPOSITE. COME ON ALREADY WITH THIS CRAZINESS. I AM ONLY HUMAN AND I AM HAVING A HARD TIME FIXING THE CRACKS THAT THIS IS PUTTING IN MY HEART AND SOUL.

BEFORE THIS ALL STARTED, WHEN I THOUGHT THE IDEA OF ANOTHER BABY WAS COMPLETELY OFF THE TABLE, I WAS JUST SAD. I FELT LITTLE TWINGES OF SADNESS HERE AND THERE PASSING BABY CLOTHES OR HEARING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE BEING PREGNANT. I WOULD LOOK AT MY BOYS AND SEE HOW FAST THEY WERE GROWING UP (DID I MENTION THEY ARE 15 AND 16 ALREADY!!) AND MY HEART WOULD ACHE FOR THE DAYS WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE. NOW THIS IVF BABY MAKING STUFF HAS LEFT ME SAD, ANGRY, BITTER, JEALOUS, TIRED, INSECURE, DEPRESSED ETC... I KNOW IN THE END IT WILL BE ALL WORTH IT IF I GET TO HOLD OUR HAPPY, HEALTHY BABY IN MY ARMS...BUT WHAT HAPPENS IF I DON'T? WHAT WILL BE LEFT OF ME? WHAT WILL HAVE BEEN RUINED? 

HOW MANY PEOPLE FIND SUCCESS AFTER ALL THE HEARTBREAK? HOW MANY FIND THEMSELVES WORSE OFF FOR TRYING AND FAILING? THE STAKES ARE SO HIGH. THIS WHOLE PROCESS HAS BY FAR BEEN THE BIGGEST RISK I HAVE EVER TAKEN... I HOPE AT THE END OF ALL THIS I GET TO BE ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES WHO GETS TO SAY IT WAS ALL WORTH IT. 

Struggling

I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY TODAY. I AM STRUGGLING. I AM HAVING A HARD TIME COPING. I AM TERRIFIED. I AM ANGRY. I AM SAD. 

EVERYTHING WAS FINE AT MY FOLLOW UP VISIT YESTERDAY. MY LEAD FOLLICLE WAS 17 AND MY LINING 9.5. I HAVE TO GO BACK TOMORROW FOR ANOTHER SONO AND MORE BLOOD. MORE POKING AND MORE PRODDING. SO I GUESS WE ARE LOOKING AT SOME TIME MID NEXT WEEK FOR OUR NEXT FET. 

I AM NOT EXCITED. I AM TIRED. I CAN'T MANAGE TO GET MY HOPES UP EVEN A LITTLE BECAUSE I CAN'T RISK BEING BROKEN ANYMORE. I FELL OUT OF MYSELF...DETACHED. I KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT IT WILL BE OK AND IN THE END THIS WILL ALL BE WORTH IT. I BELIEVE MYSELF LESS AND LESS. I FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I FEEL THIS WAY ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE THAT WANTED THIS THE LONGEST. 

WE ARE HOSTING MY SISTER'S BABY SHOWER THIS SATURDAY. I WISH I COULD HIDE. I WISH I COULD RUN AWAY. I WISH I COULD BE INVISIBLE. I WISH I COULD MAKE THESE FEELINGS GO AWAY. I WISH I WAS A BETTER PERSON. I FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE ONE. 

I FEEL LIKE I AM DROWNING AND ANYONE WHO REACHES OUT GETS DRAGGED DOWN WITH ME.

I AM NOT SURE HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE BUT I KNOW THAT IF I GIVE UP BEFORE WE HAVE EXHAUSTED OUR LAST TRY (WE STILL HAVE 4 FROSTIES) I WILL HATE MYSELF AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WONDERING WHETHER OR NOT THE ONE WE DIDN'T DO WAS THE ONE THAT WOULD HAVE WORKED. AT LEAST THIS WAY IT FEELS LIKE THERE IS AN END...ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

really good advice

SO I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU WATCH THE REAL L WORD BUT WE DO AND I LOVE IT.I AM FEELING KIND OF SAD AND MUSHY TODAY (OK, A LOT OF DAYS) AND WAS JUST SURFING THE WEB A LITTLE WHEN I CAME ACROSS THIS SITE CALLED "ITS CONCEIVABLE". THERE IS AN INTERVIEW WITH KACY (ONE HALF OF MY FAVORITE COUPLE FROM THE REAL L WORD) THAT I LOVE. HERE IS PART OF THE INTERVIEW INCLUDING THE QUOTE THAT WILL BE MY NEW MANTRA... 

Any other advice, comments, or misc. wisdom about the gay parenting process?
Stay strong for each other, and please remember that no matter how many times it takes, hope is the best fertility medicine.  

AND HERE IS THE LINK TO THE SITE/WHOLE INTERVIEW 

http://itsconceivablenow.com/2011/07/06/kacy-and-cori/

I AM HOPING THAT KEEPING HOPE WILL HELP BUT EVEN IF IT DOESN'T IT HAS TO BE BETTER THAN FEELING DESPAIR. SO I AM GONNA TRY MY HARDEST TO KEEP MY CHIN UP, THE TEARS IN (AFTER THIS POST BECAUSE RIGHT NOW THEY ARE RUNNING AMOK) AND MY FEET MOVING FORWARD. 

Torture much

SO THE HYSTEROSCOPY AND D&C SUCKED ASS... SORT OF. THE PROCEDURE ITSELF WAS OK. THANKS TO THE AMAZING ANESTHESIOLOGIST, DR. FREDERICK, I WAS UNCONSCIOUS FOR THE WHOLE THING AND PAIN FREE IN THE RECOVERY ROOM. ABOUT AN HOUR AFTER I LEFT I REALIZED I SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT THE DR. HOME WITH ME. THE RECOVERY IS PAINFUL. ALL THEY TOLD ME TO TAKE FOR PAIN IS ACETAMINOPHEN AND IBUPROFEN. (THANKS FOR NOTHING PEOPLE.) IMAGINE THE WORST PERIOD YOU HAVE EVER HAD AND MULTIPLY THAT BY A BILLION (GIVE OR TAKE A FEW) AND THAT IS HOW I FEEL. THE NURSE SAID I WOULD BE LIKE THIS FOR 7-10 DAYS...YAY ME.

ANYWAY, THEY DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING WHICH IS A GOOD THING BUT LEAVES A HUGE GAPING HOLE WHERE THE ANSWER TO "WHY ARE THE FETs NOT WORKING" SHOULD BE. THEY DID THEIR CLEAN UP AND SAID IT SHOULD HELP AND INCREASE OUR CHANCES AND ...WAIT... CAN YOU HEAR IT???? YUP, SAME OLD SONG AND DANCE. 

BEFORE THE SURGERY THEY HAD ME TAKE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS FOR 4 DAYS TO EXTEND MY CYCLE SINCE I HAD ALREADY STARTED AND FINISHED MY PERIOD - APPARENTLY MORE OFTEN THEN NOT THIS PROCEDURE IS DONE ON DAY 3 AND I WAS DAY 11 BY THE TIME OF MY SURGERY. SO MY FOLLOW UP IS ON 8/22 FOR BLOOD AND SONO AND THEN YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE AS TO WHEN I WILL OVULATE AND BE ABLE TO DO ANOTHER TRANSFER.

BOB AND WEAVE... THE HITS KEEP COMING

I AM DEPRESSED. I FEEL LIKE THE SLIGHTEST LITTLE THING IS GONNA SHATTER ME INTO A THOUSAND PIECES. I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE UP BUT IT IS SO HARD TO GO ON. I AM TIRED OF BEING POKED AND PRODDED AND HAVING SOME STRANGER WITH A WAND ( BTW...IF IT IS CALLED A WAND THEN IT SHOULD COME WITH SOME FUCKING MAGIC DON'T YA THINK??) ALL UP IN MY HOOHA. WE WENT IN FOR MY SONO AND CONSULT. THEY DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG BUT TUESDAY I AM HAVING A HYSTEROSCOPY AND D&C. SUPPOSEDLY THIS IS TO CHECK THINGS OUT THEN DO ANY CLEAN UP IF NEED BE - IF NO NEED BE THEN IT WILL BE A SPRUCING UP OF SORTS. ACCORDING TO THEM THIS WILL INCREASE MY CHANCES AT THE NEXT FET FROM 30-60% TO 50-60%. WHATEVER. HE ALSO SAID THAT MOST CASES THEY LIKE TO PUT THE EMBRYO IN AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE SOME MAY STOP GROWING IF YOU WAIT THEM OUT...I KNEW THAT...BUT THAT HE BELIEVES THAT THE BLASTS ARE BETTER...I KNEW THAT TOO (AND WE NOW HAVE 4 BLASTS LEFT). SO RIDDLE ME THIS BATMAN...WHY THE HELL DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL US THEY WERE PUTTING IN A 4 DAY MORULA VS. A BLAST UNTIL A DAY AND A HALF AFTER THE TRANSFER??? SHOULDN'T WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE CHOICE TO RIDE IT OUT? NOW WE HAVE THROWN AWAY ANOTHER $1200 AND POCKETED ANOTHER FAILURE WHEN ANOTHER DAY COULD HAVE MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD. I AM JUST COMPLETELY FRUSTRATED AND EXHAUSTED. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW. I WISH I COULD JUST SHUT OFF FOR AWHILE. ANYWAY, IT IS GOING TO BE A BUSY FEW DAYS. I WILL UPDATE TUESDAY OR WEDNESDAY. I HOPE EVERYONE OUT THERE IS FAIRING BETTER. 

I SUCK

TOMORROW WE GO BACK TO THE FERTILITY CLINIC. I AM NOT EXCITED. MY DESIRE TO HAVE A BABY IS NO LESS THAN IT HAS BEEN BEFORE...IT JUST SEEMS THAT MY BELIEF IN SUCCESS IS LESS. WE ARE ALL TOLD THE NUMBER "35" IS A SORT OF EXPIRATION DATE ON OUR FERTILITY. WE ALL FEAR IT. NEVER MIND THAT INFERTILITY AFFECTS WOMEN OF ALL AGES, RACES, SIZES ETC... WELL...THIS SATURDAY I WILL BE 36. I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL THIS IMPENDING SENSE OF DOOM. IN A NUTSHELL OUR FIRST FET WAS WITH A DONOR WHO PERHAPS WAS NOT THE BEST CHOICE. WE CHOSE HIM FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS AND WELL, LETS JUST SAY QUALITY AND QUANTITY WERE NOT A HUGE CONCERN TO US SO WE DIDN'T GIVE IT MUCH THOUGHT. WE GAVE IT A SHOT. IT DIDN'T WORK. WE WERE SAD, WE REALIZED OUR MISTAKE AND CHOSE MORE WISELY. THIS LAST ONE SHOULD HAVE WORKED. EVERYTHING LOOKED PERFECT,  STATS WERE FANTASTIC AND THE FINISHED PRODUCTS WERE LOOKING FLAWLESS. (ALTHOUGH WE DID FIND OUT AFTER THE FACT THAT WHAT THEY TRANSFERRED WAS A 4 DAY MORULA AND NOT A 5 DAY BLAST)  IT STILL DIDN'T FRIGGIN WORK. 

WHAT THE HELL! HOW CAN I NOT THINK ITS ME THAT'S THE PROBLEM?? HOW CAN I NOT FEEL LIKE I AM JUST ONE BIG FAT OLD FAILURE? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT TOMORROW BUT I AM STILL GONNA TRY MY BEST TO KEEP GOING AND FIGURE OUT A WAY TO FIND SOME MIDDLE GROUND AT CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC. RIGHT NOW LIFE CONTINUES TO GO ON AROUND US AND I AM TRYING MY BEST TO KEEP MOVING WITH IT. SOME DAYS ARE EASIER THAN OTHERS...THOSE ARE FAR AND FEW BETWEEN. I HAVE NOT HAD TO DIP INTO MY ANXIETY MEDS WHICH IS GOOD BUT I FEEL LIKE I MAY HAVE TO SOON, WHICH IS OK BUT NOT AS GOOD.  

OUR TEENS ARE GREAT KIDS BUT WEIGHTED DOWN WITH THEIR OWN ADOLESCENT DRAMAS. THE OLDEST MORE SO BECAUSE HE HAS TROUBLE COPING. WE ARE TRYING TO FIX THAT AND I AM PROUD OF HIM FOR FINALLY ASKING FOR HELP AND REALIZING THAT IT IS OK TO NOT BE ABLE TO DO IT YOURSELF ALL THE TIME. I AM WORRIED HOW ALL OF THIS WILL TAKE A TOLL ON THEM, ESPECIALLY THE OLDEST, IF IT WORKS. I AM TRYING TO NOT LET MY CONCERN FOR THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT A SIBLING DICTATE MY FEELINGS. I HAVE DONE OK SO FAR. I AM STILL STICKING TO NOT WANTING TO SAY ANYTHING DURING THE PROCESS UNTIL WE SUCCEED AND ARE IN A "SAFE ZONE" I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO MAKE THEM GO THROUGH ANY OF THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL FOR SOMETHING THAT MAY NOT COME TO PASS...AND FRANKLY IF WE WERE A STRAIGHT FERTILE COUPLE AND I GOT KNOCKED UP BY ACCIDENT THEY WOULDN'T HAVE MUCH CHOICE BUT TO DEAL WITH IT ANYWAY SO WHY TREAT IT DIFFERENTLY.

I HAVEN'T MENTIONED IT BEFORE BUT I WILL MENTION IT BRIEFLY...I AM CURRENTLY PLANNING A BABY SHOWER FOR MY SISTER IN A FEW WEEKS. HER AND HER HUSBAND WERE NOT PLANNING IT. THEY ARE GOOD PARENTS. BUT SHE WAS/IS HAVING MAJOR HEALTH AND FINANCIAL ISSUES - THEY ARE NOT IN A STABLE PLACE RIGHT NOW AND STRUGGLE TO BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THEIR 5YR OLD.  SHE IS HAVING A GIRL. I AM STRUGGLING WITH ALL OF THIS. I AM TRYING TO DO MY BEST TO BE HAPPY AND SUPPORTIVE FOR THEM. I SUCK. I AM JEALOUS. I AM ANGRY. I AM SAD. I AM SHAKING MY FISTS AT THE HEAVENS. I BUY CUTE BABY CLOTHES AND PRESENTS FOR THE BABY. I WILL THROW MY SISTER A BABY SHOWER IN MY HOME. I HAVE DISTANCED MYSELF FROM MY SISTER AND THIS PREGNANCY. SHE WILL BE MY FIRST NIECE. I ALREADY LOVE HER BUT I DO NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY I DID AS WHEN MY SISTER WAS PREGNANT WITH MY NEPHEW. I AM AFRAID I WON'T LOVE HER AS MUCH AS I SHOULD. 

I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE. INFERTILITY IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM FUCKING SUCKS. IT HAS MADE ME A GREEN EYED MONSTER. I NEVER LIKED THE COLOR GREEN.

NOT SURPRISED

YEAH...THAT PRETTY MUCH SAYS IT ALL. BETA WAS NEGATIVE. NOT EVEN QUESTIONABLY LOW...JUST NEGATIVE. I WAS PREPARED, I TRIED TO PREPARE DAWN. I AM STILL SAD, I THINK SHE IS SADDER. I HAVE GOTTEN UP, DUSTED MYSELF OFF AND STARTED HEADING TO THE NEXT TRY. WE HAVE TO GO IN FOR A SONO AND CONSULT NEXT THURSDAY. WE ARE NOT GIVING UP AND THIS JOURNEY IS FAR FROM OVER.

IN THE (ALMOST) 2WW

SO ON MONDAY, JULY 23, 2012 WE HAD OUR FET. (SEE THAT LIL WHITE DOT LEFT OF THE CENTER OF THE PIC? YUP, THAT'S IT!!! MOST BEAUTIFUL DOT IN THE WORLD, I KNOW)  RIGHT NOW OUR LIL EMBRYO IS SAFE AND SECURE AND HOPEFULLY PROGRESSING THE WAY IT SHOULD IN MY TUMMY. OK, UTERUS, BUT TUMMY SOUNDS SO MUCH BETTER. OUR FIRST BETA IS THURSDAY, AUGUST 2ND. NOT QUITE A FULL TWW BUT MORE THAN LAST TIME. MY LOVABLE AND SUPER EXCITED WIFE IS DRIVING ME BONKERS. SHE IS ALREADY SCHEMING TO GET ME TO POAS ASAP. SHE MAY HAVE EVEN THREATENED TO TICKLE THE PEE RIGHT OUT OF ME IF I AM UNCOOPERATIVE. I WOULD LIKE TO WAIT TILL THE BETA, MAYBE EVEN GIVE IN TO THE DAY BEFORE BUT IF IT WERE UP TO HER I WOULD HAVE BEEN PEEING ALREADY.


***DISCLAIMER -  SHE GAVE ME PERMISSION TO WRITE ALL OF THIS, SO PLEASE DO NOT FEAR FOR MY SAFETY. LOL. 


I UNDERSTAND HER EXCITEMENT BUT I AM TRYING TO JUST TAKE IT DAY BY DAY AND NOT GET EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED YET. I AM BRACING MYSELF JUST IN CASE. IT HELPS TO KNOW THAT WE DO HAVE 4 VIABLE FROSTIES JUST IN CASE. I AM HOPING THAT WE WON'T EVER NEED THEM BUT I LOVE THAT WE HAVE A BACKUP PLAN THIS TIME SINCE LAST TIME WE FLEW WITHOUT A NET.


PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR "SYMPTOMS".  BE FOREWARNED, SINCE BEFORE OVULATION AND CONTINUING FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG, I AM ON PROGESTERONE SUPPOSITORIES 2X A DAY AND ESTRACE 1X A DAY, SO IT MAY JUST BE FROM THE MEDS. BUT I WILL GIVE IT A SHOT.


SO LET'S SEE... SINCE THE FET I HAVE HAD SOME SLIGHT TO MEDIUM CRAMPING ON AND OFF. A LITTLE BROWNISH DISCHARGE (SORRY TMI) AND TODAY A FEW MOMENTS OF HARDCORE NAUSEA WHEN I SMELLED A FAMILIAR (THOUGH UNPLEASANT) PERFUME ON A CO-WORKER. I USUALLY HATE IT BUT TODAY IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS GONNA VOMIT. SINCE THE MEDS STARTED I HAVE BEEN FEELING BLOATED AND GASSY (AGAIN TMI) AND NOW SINCE THE FET I AM ALSO FEELING FULL REAL QUICK EVEN WHEN I AM HUNGRY. 


THIS TIME UNTIL THE 2ND IS GONNA BE TORTUROUS. I HOPE I CAN HOLD OUT ON THE POAS. IN THE MEANTIME I AM GONNA HAVE TO MAKE SURE MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE DOESN'T MAKE ME SEDATE HER TILL THEN. FINGERS CROSSED PEOPLE PLEASE!!!