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| THIS IS ME ALL DAY EVERY DAY |
SOMETIMES I WONDER IF MY HEAD WILL LITERALLY EXPLODE FROM EVERYTHING THAT IS JAMMED IN THERE. I MEAN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I OFTEN HEAR PEOPLE SAY THEY CAN'T HEAR THEMSELVES THINK AND HERE I AM THINKING HOW NICE IT WOULD BE TO TUNE OUT MY THOUGHTS. I HAVE G.A.D. GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER. SO DO TONS OF OTHER PEOPLE, SO BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I AM NOT DOING THE WHOLE POOR ME THING. SINCE I WAS A TEENAGER I HAVE HAD ON AND OFF MOMENTS WITH THERAPISTS ( MORE OFF THEN OFF) MY COPING SKILLS ARE SUCKY. I INTERNALIZE EVERYTHING AND TRY TO FIX EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE ELSE WHILE NEGLECTING MY OWN FEELINGS. I CALL IT SAVE THE WORLD SYNDROME. I HATE TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS BECAUSE WTF IS THE POINT OF TRYING SO HARD TO STUFF THEM AWAY IN THAT LITTLE LOCK BOX IN MY HEAD IF SOMEONE IS JUST GOING TO MAKE ME DRAG THEM OUT, DUST THEM OFF AND FRIGGIN DEAL WITH THEM.
I AM SURE SOME OF IT IS GENETIC AND SOME OF IT IS ENVIRONMENTAL... I HAVE GROWN UP SEEING FAMILY MEMBERS STRUGGLE WITH ALL SORTS OF THINGS AND HELL YEAH IT AFFECTED ME. I HAVE ALSO HAD SOME PRETTY CRAPPY SHIT HAPPEN TO ME...SOME BY NO FAULT OF MY OWN AND SOME BECAUSE OF MY OWN ACTIONS. I WAS AN A-HOLE TEENAGER FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME. I STOPPED. LITERALLY WOKE UP ONE MORNING AND SAID TO MYSELF, "IF YOU DO NOT STOP, YOU ARE GOING TO WIND UP DEAD".
I HAVE COME A LONG WAY AND AM PRETTY HAPPY ABOUT THE PERSON I REALLY AM WHEN I AM NOT IN MY DARK MOMENTS. I AM FUNCTIONAL. I WORK FULL TIME. I HAVE PRETTY GOOD RELATIONSHIPS WITH MY WONDERFUL WIFE AND KIDS WHO, THANK GOD, ARE NOT A-HOLE TEENAGERS LIKE I WAS. I DO NOT DRINK. I DO NOT DO DRUGS. I AM INVOLVED IN MY KIDS LIVES. I HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH MY PARENTS AND SIBLING (EVEN THOUGH THEIR PROBLEMS WEIGH ON MY MIND HEAVILY) WHILE I ADMIT, I AM NOT ONE FOR A LOT OF FRIENDS, I DO HAVE A FEW WHO I TREASURE. MY WORRIES ARE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE'S. FAMILY, MONEY, HEALTH, WORK ETC... MY REACTION HOWEVER HAS BEEN WORSE AND WORSE...AND HONESTLY...I THINK THIS WHOLE TTC BUSINESS HAS A LOT TO DO WITH IT. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I ASKED TO BE PRESCRIBED A MILD (.5 MG) ANTI-ANXIETY MEDICINE. I HAVE HAD IT FOR A MONTH AND ONLY TAKEN IT 3 TIMES THIS FAR BUT FEEL LIKE A FAILURE FOR HAVING TO TAKE IT AT ALL.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT PART OF TTC HAS BEEN THE PROVERBIAL STRAW... OR IF THERE IS EVEN JUST ONE... I DO KNOW THAT THIS WHOLE PROCESS THUS FAR HAS LEFT ME FEELING TATTERED. THE MONEY, THE TIME, THE MEDS, THE DISAPPOINTMENT. I AM (FOR LACK OF A BETTER TERM) EMOTIONALLY FUCKING SHREDDED. THING IS...WE HAVE BEEN ON A BREAK SINCE END OF APRIL...AND ITS DURING THIS TIME THAT I HAVE HAD TO ASK FOR MEDS. MAYBE ITS BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I AM NOT ACTIVELY DOING ANYTHING SO I HAVE MORE TIME TO THINK AND STRESS. SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHY BUT HERE IT IS. SO HOW DO I PULL MYSELF BACK TOGETHER BEFORE OUR TRANSFER IN JULY? I CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT WITHOUT FEELING LIKE I CAN'T BREATHE. I WANT ANOTHER BABY SO BAD.
I AM JUST SO SCARED OF FAILING. I MEAN THIS IS IT. ONCE OUR RESERVES ARE GONE IT WILL BE OVER. EVERYONE SAYS TO RELAX IT WILL ALL WORK OUT... ALL I WANT TO SAY IS SERIOUSLY? SHUT THE FUCK UP! IF I COULD RELAX I WOULD NOT BE STRESSING BY CHOICE, GENIUS. ALSO, CLEARLY, YOU ARE A PSYCHIC IF YOU CAN FORESEE THAT THINGS WILL ALL WORK OUT SO WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME SOME WINNING LOTTO NUMBERS SO I CAN WIN MILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND HAVE AN ENDLESS BABY FUND AND DO THIS FOREVER. BUT INSTEAD I JUST SAY OK THANKS, AND THINK ABOUT THE PILLS IN MY PURSE THAT I BOTH WANT TO TAKE AND FEAR TAKING AT THE SAME TIME.
THIS WHOLE THING SUCKS. I WOULDN'T WISH THIS KIND OF EMOTIONAL CHAOS ON MY WORST ENEMY. SO I WISH EVERYONE OUT THERE LOTS OF BABY DUST AND LUCK. I WILL NOT TELL YOU EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT BECAUSE FRANKLY, IT DOESN'T ALWAYS. I WILL HOWEVER SAY THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I GUARANTEE YOU, YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE EVEN IF YOU ONLY TRIED ONCE.
