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THE ABOVE PRETTY MUCH DEFINES WHAT I SAY VS. HOW I FEEL. IT WOULD BE EASIER IF NO ONE ASKED. THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO ADD LIAR TO MY LIST OF SELF DESCRIBING ADJECTIVES.
WE ARE OUT ANOTHER CYCLE. I DON'T GO BACK FOR ANOTHER THREE WEEKS. I AM CRUSHED.
I WENT FOR MORE BLOOD AND ANOTHER SONO TODAY AND IT TURNS OUT THERE IS SOME FLUID IN MY UTERINE CAVITY. THEY WERE NOT 100% SURE WHAT IT IS BUT THE ARE PRETTY SURE ITS BLOOD. MORE LIKELY THAN NOT, FROM THE HYSTEROSCOPY. SO AS PER THE DOCTOR THIS DOES NOT MAKE MY UTERUS A "GOOD ENVIRONMENT FOR AN EMBRYO" JUST FOR THE RECORD...FUCK YOU VERY MUCH DR. Z. OK WELL, MAYBE THAT WAS HARSH. IN MY DEFENSE I AM ALL KINDS OF ANGRY RIGHT NOW (AS WELL AS SAD, TIRED, FRUSTRATED ETC...) AND I NEED TO FIGURE OUT SOMEONE TO BE ANGRY AT OTHER THAN MYSELF. HE IS AS GOOD A TARGET AS ANY.
I MEAN FINE, BEING CAUTIOUS AND WAITING THIS MONTH OUT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO BUT THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. THE HYSTEROSCOPY WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE TO "STIMULATE MORE BLOOD FLOW" AND MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR AN FET. THAT SHIT DID THE FUCKING OPPOSITE. COME ON ALREADY WITH THIS CRAZINESS. I AM ONLY HUMAN AND I AM HAVING A HARD TIME FIXING THE CRACKS THAT THIS IS PUTTING IN MY HEART AND SOUL.
BEFORE THIS ALL STARTED, WHEN I THOUGHT THE IDEA OF ANOTHER BABY WAS COMPLETELY OFF THE TABLE, I WAS JUST SAD. I FELT LITTLE TWINGES OF SADNESS HERE AND THERE PASSING BABY CLOTHES OR HEARING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE BEING PREGNANT. I WOULD LOOK AT MY BOYS AND SEE HOW FAST THEY WERE GROWING UP (DID I MENTION THEY ARE 15 AND 16 ALREADY!!) AND MY HEART WOULD ACHE FOR THE DAYS WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE. NOW THIS IVF BABY MAKING STUFF HAS LEFT ME SAD, ANGRY, BITTER, JEALOUS, TIRED, INSECURE, DEPRESSED ETC... I KNOW IN THE END IT WILL BE ALL WORTH IT IF I GET TO HOLD OUR HAPPY, HEALTHY BABY IN MY ARMS...BUT WHAT HAPPENS IF I DON'T? WHAT WILL BE LEFT OF ME? WHAT WILL HAVE BEEN RUINED?
HOW MANY PEOPLE FIND SUCCESS AFTER ALL THE HEARTBREAK? HOW MANY FIND THEMSELVES WORSE OFF FOR TRYING AND FAILING? THE STAKES ARE SO HIGH. THIS WHOLE PROCESS HAS BY FAR BEEN THE BIGGEST RISK I HAVE EVER TAKEN... I HOPE AT THE END OF ALL THIS I GET TO BE ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES WHO GETS TO SAY IT WAS ALL WORTH IT.
I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY TODAY. I AM STRUGGLING. I AM HAVING A HARD TIME COPING. I AM TERRIFIED. I AM ANGRY. I AM SAD.
EVERYTHING WAS FINE AT MY FOLLOW UP VISIT YESTERDAY. MY LEAD FOLLICLE WAS 17 AND MY LINING 9.5. I HAVE TO GO BACK TOMORROW FOR ANOTHER SONO AND MORE BLOOD. MORE POKING AND MORE PRODDING. SO I GUESS WE ARE LOOKING AT SOME TIME MID NEXT WEEK FOR OUR NEXT FET.
I AM NOT EXCITED. I AM TIRED. I CAN'T MANAGE TO GET MY HOPES UP EVEN A LITTLE BECAUSE I CAN'T RISK BEING BROKEN ANYMORE. I FELL OUT OF MYSELF...DETACHED. I KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT IT WILL BE OK AND IN THE END THIS WILL ALL BE WORTH IT. I BELIEVE MYSELF LESS AND LESS. I FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I FEEL THIS WAY ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE THAT WANTED THIS THE LONGEST.
WE ARE HOSTING MY SISTER'S BABY SHOWER THIS SATURDAY. I WISH I COULD HIDE. I WISH I COULD RUN AWAY. I WISH I COULD BE INVISIBLE. I WISH I COULD MAKE THESE FEELINGS GO AWAY. I WISH I WAS A BETTER PERSON. I FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE ONE.
I FEEL LIKE I AM DROWNING AND ANYONE WHO REACHES OUT GETS DRAGGED DOWN WITH ME.
I AM NOT SURE HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE BUT I KNOW THAT IF I GIVE UP BEFORE WE HAVE EXHAUSTED OUR LAST TRY (WE STILL HAVE 4 FROSTIES) I WILL HATE MYSELF AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WONDERING WHETHER OR NOT THE ONE WE DIDN'T DO WAS THE ONE THAT WOULD HAVE WORKED. AT LEAST THIS WAY IT FEELS LIKE THERE IS AN END...ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
SO I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU WATCH THE REAL L WORD BUT WE DO AND I LOVE IT.I AM FEELING KIND OF SAD AND MUSHY TODAY (OK, A LOT OF DAYS) AND WAS JUST SURFING THE WEB A LITTLE WHEN I CAME ACROSS THIS SITE CALLED "ITS CONCEIVABLE". THERE IS AN INTERVIEW WITH KACY (ONE HALF OF MY FAVORITE COUPLE FROM THE REAL L WORD) THAT I LOVE. HERE IS PART OF THE INTERVIEW INCLUDING THE QUOTE THAT WILL BE MY NEW MANTRA...
Any other advice, comments, or misc. wisdom about the gay parenting process?
Stay strong for each other, and please remember that no matter how many times it takes, hope is the best fertility medicine.
AND HERE IS THE LINK TO THE SITE/WHOLE INTERVIEW
http://itsconceivablenow.com/2011/07/06/kacy-and-cori/
I AM HOPING THAT KEEPING HOPE WILL HELP BUT EVEN IF IT DOESN'T IT HAS TO BE BETTER THAN FEELING DESPAIR. SO I AM GONNA TRY MY HARDEST TO KEEP MY CHIN UP, THE TEARS IN (AFTER THIS POST BECAUSE RIGHT NOW THEY ARE RUNNING AMOK) AND MY FEET MOVING FORWARD.
SO THE HYSTEROSCOPY AND D&C SUCKED ASS... SORT OF. THE PROCEDURE ITSELF WAS OK. THANKS TO THE AMAZING ANESTHESIOLOGIST, DR. FREDERICK, I WAS UNCONSCIOUS FOR THE WHOLE THING AND PAIN FREE IN THE RECOVERY ROOM. ABOUT AN HOUR AFTER I LEFT I REALIZED I SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT THE DR. HOME WITH ME. THE RECOVERY IS PAINFUL. ALL THEY TOLD ME TO TAKE FOR PAIN IS ACETAMINOPHEN AND IBUPROFEN. (THANKS FOR NOTHING PEOPLE.) IMAGINE THE WORST PERIOD YOU HAVE EVER HAD AND MULTIPLY THAT BY A BILLION (GIVE OR TAKE A FEW) AND THAT IS HOW I FEEL. THE NURSE SAID I WOULD BE LIKE THIS FOR 7-10 DAYS...YAY ME.
ANYWAY, THEY DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING WHICH IS A GOOD THING BUT LEAVES A HUGE GAPING HOLE WHERE THE ANSWER TO "WHY ARE THE FETs NOT WORKING" SHOULD BE. THEY DID THEIR CLEAN UP AND SAID IT SHOULD HELP AND INCREASE OUR CHANCES AND ...WAIT... CAN YOU HEAR IT???? YUP, SAME OLD SONG AND DANCE.
BEFORE THE SURGERY THEY HAD ME TAKE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS FOR 4 DAYS TO EXTEND MY CYCLE SINCE I HAD ALREADY STARTED AND FINISHED MY PERIOD - APPARENTLY MORE OFTEN THEN NOT THIS PROCEDURE IS DONE ON DAY 3 AND I WAS DAY 11 BY THE TIME OF MY SURGERY. SO MY FOLLOW UP IS ON 8/22 FOR BLOOD AND SONO AND THEN YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE AS TO WHEN I WILL OVULATE AND BE ABLE TO DO ANOTHER TRANSFER.
I AM DEPRESSED. I FEEL LIKE THE SLIGHTEST LITTLE THING IS GONNA SHATTER ME INTO A THOUSAND PIECES. I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE UP BUT IT IS SO HARD TO GO ON. I AM TIRED OF BEING POKED AND PRODDED AND HAVING SOME STRANGER WITH A WAND ( BTW...IF IT IS CALLED A WAND THEN IT SHOULD COME WITH SOME FUCKING MAGIC DON'T YA THINK??) ALL UP IN MY HOOHA. WE WENT IN FOR MY SONO AND CONSULT. THEY DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG BUT TUESDAY I AM HAVING A HYSTEROSCOPY AND D&C. SUPPOSEDLY THIS IS TO CHECK THINGS OUT THEN DO ANY CLEAN UP IF NEED BE - IF NO NEED BE THEN IT WILL BE A SPRUCING UP OF SORTS. ACCORDING TO THEM THIS WILL INCREASE MY CHANCES AT THE NEXT FET FROM 30-60% TO 50-60%. WHATEVER. HE ALSO SAID THAT MOST CASES THEY LIKE TO PUT THE EMBRYO IN AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE SOME MAY STOP GROWING IF YOU WAIT THEM OUT...I KNEW THAT...BUT THAT HE BELIEVES THAT THE BLASTS ARE BETTER...I KNEW THAT TOO (AND WE NOW HAVE 4 BLASTS LEFT). SO RIDDLE ME THIS BATMAN...WHY THE HELL DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL US THEY WERE PUTTING IN A 4 DAY MORULA VS. A BLAST UNTIL A DAY AND A HALF AFTER THE TRANSFER??? SHOULDN'T WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE CHOICE TO RIDE IT OUT? NOW WE HAVE THROWN AWAY ANOTHER $1200 AND POCKETED ANOTHER FAILURE WHEN ANOTHER DAY COULD HAVE MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD. I AM JUST COMPLETELY FRUSTRATED AND EXHAUSTED. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW. I WISH I COULD JUST SHUT OFF FOR AWHILE. ANYWAY, IT IS GOING TO BE A BUSY FEW DAYS. I WILL UPDATE TUESDAY OR WEDNESDAY. I HOPE EVERYONE OUT THERE IS FAIRING BETTER.
TOMORROW WE GO BACK TO THE FERTILITY CLINIC. I AM NOT EXCITED. MY DESIRE TO HAVE A BABY IS NO LESS THAN IT HAS BEEN BEFORE...IT JUST SEEMS THAT MY BELIEF IN SUCCESS IS LESS. WE ARE ALL TOLD THE NUMBER "35" IS A SORT OF EXPIRATION DATE ON OUR FERTILITY. WE ALL FEAR IT. NEVER MIND THAT INFERTILITY AFFECTS WOMEN OF ALL AGES, RACES, SIZES ETC... WELL...THIS SATURDAY I WILL BE 36. I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL THIS IMPENDING SENSE OF DOOM. IN A NUTSHELL OUR FIRST FET WAS WITH A DONOR WHO PERHAPS WAS NOT THE BEST CHOICE. WE CHOSE HIM FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS AND WELL, LETS JUST SAY QUALITY AND QUANTITY WERE NOT A HUGE CONCERN TO US SO WE DIDN'T GIVE IT MUCH THOUGHT. WE GAVE IT A SHOT. IT DIDN'T WORK. WE WERE SAD, WE REALIZED OUR MISTAKE AND CHOSE MORE WISELY. THIS LAST ONE SHOULD HAVE WORKED. EVERYTHING LOOKED PERFECT, STATS WERE FANTASTIC AND THE FINISHED PRODUCTS WERE LOOKING FLAWLESS. (ALTHOUGH WE DID FIND OUT AFTER THE FACT THAT WHAT THEY TRANSFERRED WAS A 4 DAY MORULA AND NOT A 5 DAY BLAST) IT STILL DIDN'T FRIGGIN WORK.
WHAT THE HELL! HOW CAN I NOT THINK ITS ME THAT'S THE PROBLEM?? HOW CAN I NOT FEEL LIKE I AM JUST ONE BIG FAT OLD FAILURE? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT TOMORROW BUT I AM STILL GONNA TRY MY BEST TO KEEP GOING AND FIGURE OUT A WAY TO FIND SOME MIDDLE GROUND AT CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC. RIGHT NOW LIFE CONTINUES TO GO ON AROUND US AND I AM TRYING MY BEST TO KEEP MOVING WITH IT. SOME DAYS ARE EASIER THAN OTHERS...THOSE ARE FAR AND FEW BETWEEN. I HAVE NOT HAD TO DIP INTO MY ANXIETY MEDS WHICH IS GOOD BUT I FEEL LIKE I MAY HAVE TO SOON, WHICH IS OK BUT NOT AS GOOD.
OUR TEENS ARE GREAT KIDS BUT WEIGHTED DOWN WITH THEIR OWN ADOLESCENT DRAMAS. THE OLDEST MORE SO BECAUSE HE HAS TROUBLE COPING. WE ARE TRYING TO FIX THAT AND I AM PROUD OF HIM FOR FINALLY ASKING FOR HELP AND REALIZING THAT IT IS OK TO NOT BE ABLE TO DO IT YOURSELF ALL THE TIME. I AM WORRIED HOW ALL OF THIS WILL TAKE A TOLL ON THEM, ESPECIALLY THE OLDEST, IF IT WORKS. I AM TRYING TO NOT LET MY CONCERN FOR THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT A SIBLING DICTATE MY FEELINGS. I HAVE DONE OK SO FAR. I AM STILL STICKING TO NOT WANTING TO SAY ANYTHING DURING THE PROCESS UNTIL WE SUCCEED AND ARE IN A "SAFE ZONE" I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO MAKE THEM GO THROUGH ANY OF THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL FOR SOMETHING THAT MAY NOT COME TO PASS...AND FRANKLY IF WE WERE A STRAIGHT FERTILE COUPLE AND I GOT KNOCKED UP BY ACCIDENT THEY WOULDN'T HAVE MUCH CHOICE BUT TO DEAL WITH IT ANYWAY SO WHY TREAT IT DIFFERENTLY.
I HAVEN'T MENTIONED IT BEFORE BUT I WILL MENTION IT BRIEFLY...I AM CURRENTLY PLANNING A BABY SHOWER FOR MY SISTER IN A FEW WEEKS. HER AND HER HUSBAND WERE NOT PLANNING IT. THEY ARE GOOD PARENTS. BUT SHE WAS/IS HAVING MAJOR HEALTH AND FINANCIAL ISSUES - THEY ARE NOT IN A STABLE PLACE RIGHT NOW AND STRUGGLE TO BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THEIR 5YR OLD. SHE IS HAVING A GIRL. I AM STRUGGLING WITH ALL OF THIS. I AM TRYING TO DO MY BEST TO BE HAPPY AND SUPPORTIVE FOR THEM. I SUCK. I AM JEALOUS. I AM ANGRY. I AM SAD. I AM SHAKING MY FISTS AT THE HEAVENS. I BUY CUTE BABY CLOTHES AND PRESENTS FOR THE BABY. I WILL THROW MY SISTER A BABY SHOWER IN MY HOME. I HAVE DISTANCED MYSELF FROM MY SISTER AND THIS PREGNANCY. SHE WILL BE MY FIRST NIECE. I ALREADY LOVE HER BUT I DO NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY I DID AS WHEN MY SISTER WAS PREGNANT WITH MY NEPHEW. I AM AFRAID I WON'T LOVE HER AS MUCH AS I SHOULD.
I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE. INFERTILITY IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM FUCKING SUCKS. IT HAS MADE ME A GREEN EYED MONSTER. I NEVER LIKED THE COLOR GREEN.
YEAH...THAT PRETTY MUCH SAYS IT ALL. BETA WAS NEGATIVE. NOT EVEN QUESTIONABLY LOW...JUST NEGATIVE. I WAS PREPARED, I TRIED TO PREPARE DAWN. I AM STILL SAD, I THINK SHE IS SADDER. I HAVE GOTTEN UP, DUSTED MYSELF OFF AND STARTED HEADING TO THE NEXT TRY. WE HAVE TO GO IN FOR A SONO AND CONSULT NEXT THURSDAY. WE ARE NOT GIVING UP AND THIS JOURNEY IS FAR FROM OVER.
