sitting it out again

AND JUST LIKE THAT THIS CYCLE IS CANCELLED. WHY, YOU ASK? WELL BECAUSE THE STUPID DOCTOR MISSED MY OVULATION. MY LAST APPOINTMENT WAS CD 13 AND HE GAVE ME A FOLLOW UP WITH TOO MANY DAYS IN BETWEEN (8) AND BLEW IT. I KNEW IT. SATURDAY I FELT IT. WE HAD A LONG DAY AND WE GOT HOME AROUND 7 PM. I FELT THE PAIN I ALWAYS FEEL WHEN I OVULATE AND I JUST FREAKING KNEW IT. I HAD TO LEAVE FOR NJ THE NEXT MORNING AT 6AM SO I KNEW I COULDN'T MAKE THE DOCTOR SO I DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER CALLING.  TODAY IS MY CD21 AND WHEN I WOKE UP I JUST KNEW THIS WAS WHAT I WAS GONNA HEAR. SO NOW I HAVE TO SIT IT OUT UNTIL 10/9. BY THEN I SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST STARTED MY PERIOD AND HOPEFULLY WE WILL BE ON TRACK...UNLESS...WELL, UNLESS OUR PLAN CHANGES.

THINGS I KNOW AND THINGS I DON'T

YESTERDAY WAS PRETTY HARD. WE WENT TO MY SISTERS TO SEE MY NEPHEWS FLAG FOOTBALL GAME AND THEN PUT TOGETHER HER NURSERY FURNITURE. IT WAS KIND OF PAINFUL. I DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE.  I PRAYED IT WOULDN'T BE. I AM NOT HANDY AT ALL SO I HUNG OUT WITH MY NEPHEW WHILE THE REST OF MY FAMILY (MY DAD, MY SONS, BROTHER IN LAW ETC...) PUT THE STUFF TOGETHER. WATCHING MY WIFE PUT TOGETHER STROLLERS AND SWINGS AND PACK N PLAYS FOR A BABY THAT ISN'T OURS WAS MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE. I HELD IT TOGETHER YESTERDAY (AT LEAST ABOUT 98%) ONLY SHE SAW MY TEAR RIMMED EYES. TODAY I FEEL DEFLATED. I WANT SO BAD TO BE HAPPY AND EXCITED AND NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY OR ALL THE THINGS I PICTURE DOING WITH MY SOON TO BE BORN (LESS THAN 3 WKS) NIECE, NOTHING WORKS. I AM MISERABLE. I AM TORN BETWEEN FEELING GUILTY ABOUT NOT BEING CLOSE ENOUGH TO HER TO HELP WITH THE BABY AND RELIEVED TO BE AS FAR AS I AM. I FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE PERSON. 

TOMORROW I HAVE ANOTHER SONO AND MORE BLOODS TO SEE IF WE ARE ANY CLOSER TO OUR 3RD FET. IF IT GOES HOW IT SHOULD WE SHOULD ONLY BE @ A WEEK AWAY. I CAN'T MUSTER ANY EXCITEMENT ABOUT IT. I ONLY FEEL ANXIOUS AND PREPARED FOR THE WORST. I KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT THIS WILL BE IT, THIS WILL BE THE ONE, 3RD TIMES A CHARM, ETC... BUT THEN I FOLLOW IT UP WITH A QUICK "I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE" BEFORE I CAN EVEN PROCESS THE FIRST THOUGHT. THIS WHOLE THING HAS ME FEELING SCHIZO. I KNOW ALL THE "RIGHT" THINGS TO TELL MYSELF BUT I JUST CANT FEEL THEM. 

FOR EXAMPLE... I KNOW THAT YOU AREN'T EVEN TECHNICALLY CONSIDERED "INFERTILE" UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN UNSUCCESSFULLY BUT ACTIVELY TRYING TO NATURALLY CONCEIVE FOR A YEAR, SIX MONTHS AT MY AGE. I KNOW SINCE CLEARLY THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE (YOU KNOW THAT WHOLE NOT A PENIS BETWEEN US THING) THAT WE WERE KIND OF LABELED INFERTILE FROM THE JUMP. I KNOW THAT THERE WAS A A DIFFERENCE IN OPINION BETWEEN MY OLD DOCTOR (09) AND NEW DOCTOR (SINCE 2011) ABOUT HOW LOW MY OVARIAN RESERVE REALLY IS. I KNOW I AM SEVERELY OVERWEIGHT. I KNOW I AM NOW 36 YRS OLD.I ALSO KNOW THAT WE ONLY DID 1 HOME IUI BACK IN 9/09.   I KNOW THAT THE ONLY TRANSFERS WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO ARE FET AND THAT WE HAVE ONLY DONE 2 SO FAR. WE DID ONE IN 11/11 AND ONE IN 7/12. THIS WILL BE OUR 3RD. I KNOW THE KNOWN DONOR WE USED FOR THE IUI AND THE 1ST FET WAS A POOR CHOICE. SWEET GUY, GOOD INTENTIONS, BAD BAD SPERM. I KNOW THIS WHOLE THING HAS MADE ME CRAZY AND TAKEN A TOLL ON EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE AND ALL OF MY RELATIONSHIPS. I KNOW THIS HAS ALSO KICKED THE CRAP OUT OF US FINANCIALLY. I KNOW I AM LUCKY TO HAVE THE AMAZING SON THAT I GAVE BIRTH TOO AS WELL AS THE AMAZING SON WHO CAME INTO MY LIFE BEFORE HE WAS EVEN 2... BUT I KNOW  I STILL BADLY WANT A BABY WITH MY WIFE. 

I ALSO HAVE A SHIT LOAD OF STUFF I DON'T KNOW.  I DON'T KNOW HOW MY KIDS WOULD FEEL IF THEY KNEW WE WERE GOING THROUGH ALL THIS. I DON'T KNOW IF I AM EVEN TECHNICALLY CONSIDERED INFERTILE' I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE WHO READS THIS GETS PISSED AT ME FOR MY FEELING THAT LABEL SUITS ME. I DON'T KNOW IF THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF I WAS DIFFERENT (YOUNGER, SKINNIER, STRAIGHT). I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER IF I COULD. I DON'T KNOW WHY THE LAST FET DIDN'T WORK. I DON'T KNOW IF THE NEXT ONE WILL. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DEAL WITH ANOTHER FAILURE. I DON'T KNOW HOW I WILL DEAL WITH A SUCCESS. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN CONTINUE. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GIVE UP.  

SO YOU SEE HERE IN LIES THE PROBLEM. ALL THIS STUFF IS MIXED UP IN MY HEAD AT ANY GIVEN POINT. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RECONCILE ALL OF THIS SO THAT I CAN KEEP MOVING FORWARD...IN WHICHEVER DIRECTION LIFE TAKES ME.

a lil self encouragement

take 3 better take

AND AWAY WE GO INTO OUR 3RD FET CYCLE. TODAY IS MY CD13. THIS HAS BEEN MY 2ND VISIT THIS CYCLE AND SO FAR...BLAH. MY LINING IS 9.2 AND MY LEADING FOLLICLE IS 11. SO I AM STILL IN THE WAIT. MY NEXT APPOINTMENT IS NEXT TUESDAY, MY CYCLE DAY 21. I OVULATE REALLY LATE EVERY MONTH AND SINCE WE ARE DOING A 5 DAY FET, IT LOOKS LIKE TRANSFER WILL BE THE VERY LAST/FIRST  DAY OF SEPT/OCT. I AM FEELING...AMBIVALENT. THAT IS PRETTY MUCH IT IN A NUTSHELL.

just grateful

                      RYAN (16 NEXT MONTH)  AND DAVID (17 IN JANUARY)


JUST TAKING A MOMENT TO REALLY BE GRATEFUL FOR THESE TWO AMAZING YOUNG MEN. I LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT MY LIFE WOULD BE LIKE WITHOUT THEM. OUR BABIES ARE NOT BABIES ANYMORE :(

indulge me - a self pity post

I AM USUALLY ANGRY OR SAD OR STRESSED OR WHAT NOT... I DON'T USUALLY FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. YUP... I'M TAKING THE LOW ROAD TODAY. ANOTHER FRIEND HAD A BABY. I AM HAPPY FOR HER. SHE IS A LIL OLDER THAN ME HAS BEEN WITH HER HUSBAND FOR OVER 20YRS AND THEY FINALLY HAVE THEIR BABY. A WHOLE LOT OF TRYING BUT NO MEDICAL INTERVENTION AT ALL. I AM ACTUALLY THRILLED FOR HER. SHE IS A GREAT PERSON AND IS GONNA BE AN AWESOME MOM BUT NOW I AM FEELING BAD FOR MYSELF.  ANOTHER FRIEND WHO IS A FEW YEARS OLDER AND ONLY MARRIED A YEAR JUST ANNOUNCED SHE IS SIX MONTHS PREGNANT!!! ONE MORE AND I MAY LOSE MY MIND ... OH YEAH AND MY SISTER IS DUE IN 5 WEEKS (ALTHOUGH I AM SURE SHE WILL GO SOONER) I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE HOW I AM GONNA SURVIVE THAT. I JUST WANNA PACK A BAG AND RUN AWAY.  

I KNOW WE HAVE TWO AMAZING KIDS (ALMOST MEN) BUT I CAN'T HELP IT... I AM FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. I AM FEELING LIKE I AM WATCHING THE WHOLE WORLD GET PREGNANT AND HAVE BABIES WHILE I SIT ON THE SIDE LINES. I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT MAKES SENSE OR IS EVEN FAIR FOR ME TO SAY SINCE I HAVE BEEN PREGNANT AND  BLESSED WITH MY SON AND THEN BLESSED AGAIN WITH MY STEPSON WHEN HE WAS JUST 2 YRS OLD. I JUST CAN'T MAKE IT GO AWAY. ALL THE BULLSHIT ABOUT MY AGE (36) AND A BUNCH OF MY FRIENDS ALL SAME AGE OR OLDER HAVE HAD BABIES IN THE LAST 2 YRS. SOME THEIR FIRST, SOME SECOND, SOME EVEN THIRD. I AM TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT MY WEIGHT... SOME WERE BIG GIRLS LIKE ME SOME A LIL BIGGER, ONLY ONE WAS  "PERFECT SIZE" "PERFECTLY IN SHAPE" PERFECTLY HEALTHY" BLAH BLAH BLAH... 

SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DEAL? AND YEAH... I AM GONNA SAY IT... WHY ME? WHY YOU? WHY ANY OF US? MAYBE ITS THE WHOLE CD2 OF FET#3 THING THAT HAS ME FEELING EXTRA NUTS TODAY. I SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO KNOW WHAT THOSE ABBREVIATIONS ARE LET ALONE HAVE TO USE THEM IN A SENTENCE...NOBODY SHOULD.

I DON'T WISH THIS CRAP ON ANYONE...BUT WHY THE HELL AM I STARING AT A PICTURE OF SNOOKI'S BABY ON THE COVER OF A MAGAZINE WHEN FOR HOW MANY SEASONS HAVE I BEEN WATCHING THAT GIRL DRINK HERSELF TO OBLIVION, FALL INTO BUSHES, GET ARRESTED, SLEEP WITH WHOEVER, FLASH HER HOOHA ALL OVER THE PLACE AND SPEAK INCOHERENTLY EVEN WHILE SOBER???? FRIGGIN SNOOKI?!?!?

(SHAKING MY FISTS AT THE SKY WHILE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS)  WHAT THE FUCK UNIVERSE??? ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?????

OK. I AM DONE. HOPE YOUR DAY IS BETTER THAN MINE.



**UPDATED AS OF 9/27/12 - 3 MORE PREGNANT FRIENDS ALL THE SAME AGE OR OLDER THAN ME.  THIS SHIT IS GETTING OLD AS HELL.  BITTER? YUP.  SAD ABOUT BEING BITTER?  DOUBLE YUP.  HOPING TO GET OUT OF THIS FUNK AND START FEELING HAPPY?  THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH YUPS IN THE WORLD.  FOR THE RECORD... I AM HAPPY FOR ALL OF THESE PEOPLE AND ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE SUCCESS...I'M JUST SAD FOR ME AND ALL OF THOSE WHO DON'T.

Tangled thoughts and feelings

IF EACH ONE OF THESE RUBBER BANDS WAS A DIFFERENT THOUGHT OR FEELING AND YOU MULTIPLIED THEM BY 100, THIS IS WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IN THE INSIDE OF MY HEAD. RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T GET MY HEAD STRAIGHT. I CAN'T TALK ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING BECAUSE IT ISN'T CLEAR ENOUGH TO FORM INTO SPOKEN WORDS. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SORT OUT MY THOUGHTS. I JUST KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW MY LOWS ARE MORE THAN MY HIGHS AND IT HAPPENS FROM ONE MINUTE TO THE NEXT. I AM BETTER WHEN I AM BUSY. THE FIRST SIGN OF DOWN TIME AND ITS LIKE SOMEONE POKES A HOLE IN THE DAM. 

MONEY, THE BOYS, MY PARENTS, MY SISTER, MY JOB, OUR MARRIAGE,  THE IVF... ITS ALL WEIGHING ON MY MIND AND MORE. I FEEL LIKE THERE IS A WEIGHT ON MY CHEST SOMETIMES AND I CAN'T EVEN BREATHE BECAUSE OF IT. I WORRY TOO MUCH. I KNOW. I JUST CAN NOT HELP IT. THE IVF STUFF HAS MADE ME CRAZY. WE ARE GONNA TRY AGAIN...IF IT DOESN'T WORK (PLEASE GOD, LET IT WORK) WE WILL STILL HAVE 3 FROSTIES LEFT. THE PROBLEM IS...I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO TRY AGAIN RIGHT AWAY AFTER THAT OR WAIT A LITTLE...OR A LOT. I JUST TURNED 36. MY WIFE WILL BE 42 SOON. BOTH BOYS ARE STARTING THEIR JUNIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL TOMORROW. HOW LONG DO I WANNA WAIT? HOW LONG CAN I WAIT? HOW LONG CAN I GO ON? I DON'T WANT TO WAIT SO LONG THAT THE BOYS LEAVE FOR COLLEGE AND WE WELCOME A NEW BABY. I DO NOT WANT THEM TO THINK WE ARE REPLACING THEM AND I CERTAINLY DO NOT WANT THEM TO BE GONE SO SOON WITHOUT HAVING GOTTEN TO SPEND ANY TIME WITH A NEW SIBLING...OF COURSE THIS IS ASSUMING THIS ALL WORKS...BUT I ALSO CAN NOT SIT HERE AND SAY THAT I AM 100% CERTAIN I WANT TO COMMIT TO DOING THIS BACK TO BACK TILL WE REACH THE END ANYMORE. I AM SO TORN. 

EVEN WRITING THAT WAS EXHAUSTING AND LEFT ME FEELING SICK. I THINK I AM DONE WRITING FOR NOW...