me being mushy

"She has made all of the difference. She was worth it. And knowing that it leads me to her, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat."- Kacy Buccumini

The Day we made it legal, August 17, 2011

photo by Katie Jane @ katiejanephoto.com

irresistible you

Me, my niece Amiyah and my nephew Dirk

I am kind of hooked. I thought my heart would break a little more each time I saw you, lil miss. I was wrong.  When I hold you I forget my own pain just a little. When I look into your eyes I do not see my own failure but instead I see hope. You have made me fall in love with you. I love you and your brother as I love my own kids. I am sorry I ever doubted how much you would mean to me.  I promise I will be even better as we get to know each other. I will try my best to be the kind of Aunt you come to when mom gets to be a pain in the ass. ( and trust me, she is my little sister so I know she is a pain in the ass) Thank you for reminding me that all things are possible.

LOVE

David, Ryan, our nephew Dirk and our niece Amiyah



THAT THERE IS A BUNCH OF PIECES OF MY HEART ALL SITTING ON THE COUCH.  LOVE COMES IN ALL SIZES, COLORS AND SHAPES...AND YET IT STILL FITS IN THE HEART JUST THE SAME.

a little closer

WE ARE A LITTLE CLOSER TO TRANSFER. AS OF SUNDAY MY ESTRADIOL WAS STILL A LITTLE LOW SO THEY DOUBLED MY E*STRACE. I GO BACK IN ON THURSDAY JUST FOR BLOOD WORK, THEN IT LOOKS LIKE THEY WILL START ME ON P*RO*METRIUM FROM THEN ON TILL TRANSFER WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON NOVEMBER 1ST. HOPEFULLY THERE WILL BE NO ISSUES OR DEVIATIONS FROM THE PLAN AND ALL WILL GO SMOOTHLY. FINGERS CROSSED.

in a nutshell

tick tock

STILL WAITING. WENT TO THE DOCTOR SUNDAY AND HAD A FEW SMALL FOLLIES AND LINING STILL THIN. STARTED ESTRACE 2MG NIGHTLY FROM SUNDAY ON. HEADING BACK AGAIN BY MYSELF ON FRIDAY. MOST LIKELY HE WILL PUT ME ON THE PROGESTERONE ALONG WITH THE ESTRACE AT THAT POINT. IF MY CALCULATIONS ARE RIGHT AND ALL GOES WELL (ROLLING EYES) TRANSFER WILL MOST LIKELY BE AROUND 10/25. I AM NOT HOLDING MY BREATHE. EVERY TIME I DO ALL I GET IS LIGHTHEADED. THIS FORCED 2 MONTH BREAK HAS NOT DONE ME ANY GOOD AT ALL. ALL THE WORSE CASE SCENARIOS HAVE BEEN RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD AT TOP SPEED NON STOP. I AM KIND OF DREADING EVERY TIME I STEP INTO THAT OFFICE. I WISH DAWN COULD GO WITH ME TO EVERY APPOINTMENT. OH WELL. I WILL JUST KEEP WAITING.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN

Ryan 16yrs ago

TODAY IS RYAN'S 16TH BIRTHDAY. I DIDN'T HAVE THE PLEASURE OF KNOWING HIM WHEN HE WAS THIS LITTLE. HE CAME INTO MY LIFE WHEN HE WAS JUST UNDER 2YRS OLD. HOWEVER, I LOVE HIM AS IF I'D BEEN THERE FROM THE START AND I WOULD DIE AND OR KILL FOR HIM AS I WOULD FOR DAVID. HE IS FUNNY AND SMART AND SENSITIVE AND OH SO QUIRKY. HE IS ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE UP THE PERFECT RYAN. LIKE ANY OTHER TEEN HE COULD BE A MAJOR PAIN IN THE ASS BUT I AM SO GRATEFUL HE IS ONE OF MY ASS PAINS. HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN. I LOVE YOU AND WOULDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOU.

THEY WERE SOOOO LITTLE. TIME FLIES :(

OUR TWO 16YR OLDS AND ADORABLE NEPHEW

TTC UPDATE

So my last appointment was on 10/8, which is also my beautiful wife's birthday. We were all off for the holiday so she got to come with me. I pretty much had a nervous breakdown in the car on our way there and cried for about 45 minutes hysterically until I calmed down enough to go up. She was very sweet and wonderful and tried very hard to get me to get a grip. I know it freaks her out when I lose it but she is such a trooper. She had my back through the whole thing and just let me vent. The appointment itself was whatever...nothing new...but Dawn did light in to the Doctor for being a douche and missing ovulation last cycle. She was amazing. She said all the things to him that I can never seem to voice when I am there by myself. We cried some more there and we cried some more at home. We go back this Sunday.Hopefully it will be better and we are a little closer. 

A new niece

ON SATURDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2012, at 10:22pm, THE DAY BEFORE MY SISTER'S 28TH BIRTHDAY, SHE GAVE BIRTH TO MY BRAND NEW AND VERY BEAUTIFUL NIECE, AMIYAH DESTINY. SHE WAS 6lbs 11oz AND 19in LONG. 

I AM NOT GONNA LIE. MY FEELINGS ARE A HUGE MIX OF HIGHS AND LOWS. I AM VERY HAPPY FOR HER. I AM SO GRATEFUL SHE MADE IT HERE HEALTHY AND ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. (MY POOR SISTER HAD A REALLY SCARY AND DIFFICULT PREGNANCY) THERE WERE SO MANY TIMES DURING THE LAST 9mths THAT I FOUND MYSELF BEGGING GOD TO MAKE SURE SHE WAS OK... BUT I AM SAD FOR ME (US). I AM MORE THAN A LITTLE JEALOUS AND I DIDN'T FEEL THE INSTANT STARS IN MY EYES LOVE WITH HER THAT I FELT WHEN MY SISTER HAD HER SON. WITH HIM IT WAS INSTANT. I HELD HIM WHEN HE WAS AN HOUR OLD AND I SWORE THAT I WOULD LOVE HIM LIKE HE WAS MY OWN. WITH THE BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO EVEN HOLD HER UNTIL THE NEXT DAY EVEN THOUGH I SAW HER A FEW MINUTES AFTER SHE WAS BORN. I WAS AFRAID. AFRAID OF WHAT I WOULD FEEL. AFRAID OF THE PERSON THIS WHOLE IVF PROCESS HAS MADE ME. I HELD HER THE NEXT DAY AND I FELT WARM AND FUZZY BUT NO LIGHTNING STRIKE. 

I LOVE HER. I FEEL PROTECTIVE OF HER. WHEN SHE CRIED MY HEART ACHED... IT JUST FEELS DIFFERENT. MY WIFE SAYS IT IS BECAUSE SHE IS NOT THE VERY FIRST (WE HAVE 4 NEPHEWS BETWEEN THE 2 OF US. THEY ARE 5 1/2, 5, 4 AND 1 yrs OLD) AND BECAUSE OF OUR CIRCUMSTANCES BEING DIFFERENT NOW THAN WHEN MY NEPHEW WAS BORN. THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. I EXPECTED LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT...AND INSTEAD I AM GOING TO HAVE TO WORK AT FALLING IN LOVE SLOWLY. I CAN DO THAT. I HOPE AMIYAH IS PATIENT WITH ME AND WE CAN WORK IT OUT TOGETHER.

feeling very unfeeling

NOT SURE WHY (SINCE NOT MUCH IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW) BUT I AM FEELING NUMB. I GUESS NUMB IS THE ABSENCE OF FEELING BUT IT SEEMS TO BE A FEELING ALL UNTO ITSELF. I DON'T THINK I HAVE QUITE BOUNCED BACK FROM OUR LAST FAILED TRANSFER. ALL THE BULLSHIT BUMPS IN THE ROAD SINCE THEN DEFINITELY HAVEN'T HELPED A BIT. 

WE ARE HEADING BACK TO N*EW HO*PE FER*TIL*ITY CE*NT*ER ON OCTOBER 8 (MY DARLING WIFE'S BIRTHDAY). SO, I SHOULD BE GETTING EXCITED, NERVOUS, ANXIOUS...SOMETHING. YET, I FEEL NOTHING. I FEEL ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. WELL, MAYBE TIRED. YEAH...TIRED. OTHER THAN TIRED, NOTHING.I AM NOT SURE WHAT IF ANYTHING TO MAKE OF THIS. ON ONE HAND, ITS GOOD THAT I AM NOT STRESSED OR SAD. ON THE OTHER, ITS PROBABLY NOT SO GOOD THAT I AM SO...DETACHED.  MAYBE IT IS MY MIND AND/OR MY HEART TRYING TO PROTECT ME FROM THE PROVERBIAL STRAW/CAMEL SITUATION. MAYBE SOMETHING BROKE ALONG THE WAY THAT IS TAKING A REALLY LONG TIME TO HEAL. 

WHATEVER THE CASE...ONWARD WE MARCH INTO ANOTHER (AND DARE I SAY,  HOPEFULLY LAST NEEDED) FET CYCLE.