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I AM SITTING AT MY DESK COUNTING DOWN THE HOURS UNTIL I LEAVE AND HEAD TO FET NUMBER 4. THE LAST ONE WAS EXACTLY 4 WEEKS AGO TODAY. I AM EXCITED...ODD RIGHT? I DON'T KNOW WHY AND I DON'T REALLY CARE...I'M THINKING POSITIVE AND PRAYING THAT THIS ONE WILL BE IT. I AM A LITTLE SAD THAT MY WIFE WON'T BE ABLE TO BE THERE WITH ME TODAY...SHE COULDN'T GET OFF FROM WORK SO I AM GOING IT ALONE...BUT I KNOW SHE IS WITH ME IN SPIRIT AND SHE WILL COME AND GET ME A LITTLE WHILE AFTER SO AT LEAST THERE IS THAT. OK PEOPLE...YOU KNOW THE DRILL...BABY DUST AND POSITIVE VIBES PLEASE!!
DEAR SANTA,
I WAS ONLY BAD ONCE THIS YEAR. OK, MAYBE MORE THAN ONCE...BUT LET'S BE HONEST, WHO HASN'T BEEN AT LEAST A LITTLE BAD (AND I AM WAY NICER THAN I AM NAUGHTY.) BY THE WAY, I SHOULD NOT BE HELD AT ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR MY WIFE'S BEHAVIOR. SO, I AM GONNA ASK FOR A FEW THINGS THIS YEAR...NONE OF IT WILL COST YOU A CENT AND ITS REALLY THE SAME THINGS I ASK FROM GOD SO MAYBE THE TWO OF YOU CAN SPLIT THE LIST AND GET IT COVERED.
1) I WOULD LIKE GOOD HEALTH AND HAPPINESS FOR ALL OF MY LOVED ONES.
2) I WOULD LIKE MY SONS TO CONTINUE TO BE SUCCESSFUL.
3) I WOULD LIKE FOR EVERYONE SUFFERING THROUGH INFERTILITY ISSUES TO FIND PEACE AND CALM AMID THE CHAOS.
4) I WOULD LIKE TO GET PREGNANT AND STAY PREGNANT AND HAVE A HEALTHY HAPPY BEAUTIFUL BABY...PLEASE...PRETTY PLEASE
SINCERELY,
MICHELLE
P.S. I WILL THROW IN SOME EXTRA COOKIES AND TOSS IN A COUPLE OF BEERS INSTEAD OF MILK IF YOU HELP ME OUT
SO NOT MUCH GOING ON EXCEPT THE USUAL CHAOS OF AN IVF CYCLE. I WENT BACK TO NHFC THIS PAST MONDAY. DAWN TOOK THE DAY OFF AND CAME WITH ME. SHE WAS MAD AS A HATTER (ANOTHER ALICE IN WONDERLAND REFERENCE) THAT THE LAST FET DIDN'T TAKE. THE NIGHT BEFORE WE CAME UP WITH A LIST OF QUESTIONS AND CONCERNS. THAT MORNING SHE GOT HERSELF ALL RILED UP (WHICH IS ALWAYS GOOD WHEN WE GO THERE) AND READY TO GO TOE TO TOE. SHE GOT SHIT DONE OR AT LEAST SHE GOT OUR FEELINGS AND QUESTIONS ABOUT WHY SHIT ISN'T GETTING DONE OUT IN THE OPEN. I GO THERE AND INSTANTLY FEEL HELPLESS, VULNERABLE AND BROKEN. SO, WHEN I AM ALONE I NEVER MANAGE TO DO MORE THAN NOD AND AGREE TO DO AS I AM TOLD (VERY UNLIKE MY NORMAL PERSONALITY) ANYWAY, SHE RIPPED DR. Z A NEW BUTTHOLE. I THINK EVERY TIME SHE DOES THAT I FALL IN LOVE WITH HER ALL OVER AGAIN. HOWEVER... IT DIDN'T MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE. HE STILL SAYS EVERYTHING LOOKED GOOD WITH ME AND THE EMBRYO AND THERE SEEMS TO BE NO PROBLEMS SO IT JUST MAY HAVE BEEN THAT EMBRYO, WHILE PERFECT LOOKING, HAD SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT. HE WANTS TO KEEP ME ON AN UNMEDICATED CYCLE FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE AND SAID BASICALLY WE JUST KEEP GOING. SO HEAD MEET WALL...AGAIN...AND AGAIN...WASH RINSE REPEAT. SO PLEASE KEEP YOUR FINGERS, TOES, EYES AND WHATEVER ELSE YOU CAN CROSSED FOR US. MAYBE THIS WILL BE THE ONE TO MAKE IT ALL THE WAY.
I CLEARLY MUST BE CRAZY. I GUESS WE ARE ALL A LITTLE MAD FROM THIS WHOLE IVF THING. I MEAN THE WHOLE POINT OF IT IS TO KEEP GOING AND GOING AND GOING UNTIL WE GET A DIFFERENT RESULT... THE EVER ELUSIVE BFP.
HOWEVER, WHEN DO YOU CALL IT QUITS? I HAVE SEEN PEOPLE TRYING FOR UPWARDS OF 7 YEARS, SOME WITH 14+ TRANSFERS. MY HEART GOES OUT TO THEM AND I APPLAUD THEIR BRAVERY AND DETERMINATION. BUT FOR US WE ARE OUT OF STRENGTH, MONEY AND RESOURCES. NOT TO MENTION I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE THE PERSON THIS JOURNEY HAS LEFT BEHIND WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR. SO, OUR END WILL BE WHEN WE HAVE NO MORE FROSTIES. WE CURRENTLY HAVE 3. WE HAD 5 AND THAT SEEMED LIKE SUCH A WONDERFUL SAFE NUMBER. I WAS SURE THAT GUARANTEED US A BFP. I FIGURED WE WOULD NEVER GO THROUGH THAT MANY...THEN SOME HOW 2 MORE BFNs SNUCK UP ON US. 3 SEEMS LIKE SUCH A SMALL NUMBER. IT SEEMS LIKE A NUMBER TOO EASY TO BLOW THROUGH. OF COURSE, AS OF NOW WE HAVE HAD 3 FAILED FETs SO THAT COULD HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY DISTRESS OVER THE NUMBER 3. BUT THAT IS WHAT IT IS. 3. WE HAVE 3 MORE TRIES.
HOW I SURVIVED THE LAST 3 BFNs IS STILL A QUESTION I CAN'T ANSWER. FRANKLY, I AM STILL TRYING TO STOP CRYING EVERY FEW MINUTES AFTER THE LAST ONE. HOW I AM EVEN GOING TO GET THROUGH 1 MORE IS BEYOND ME. I WANT TO THROW UP JUST WRITING ABOUT IT. SO ONCE AGAIN I AM TRYING TO THROW A GAG OVER THAT LITTLE VOICE IN MY HEAD THAT KEEPS TELLING ME THIS IS NEVER GONNA WORK AND I AM HOPING WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING THAT OUR MEASLY 3 IS WAY MORE THAN WE WILL EVER NEED BECAUSE OF COURSE WE WILL GET OUR BFP THE NEXT TRANSFER.
ON A SIDE NOTE ALL THAT RAH RAH CHEERLEADING BULLSHIT THAT I JUST SAID IS NOT REALLY WORKING. I AM NOT GETTING BETTER. I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE FEELING BETTER. I HONESTLY JUST WANT TO CRAWL INTO BED, IN THE DARK, AND LIE THERE...INDEFINITELY. IT DOES NOT GET EASIER. IT JUST GETS HARDER.
NORMALLY A NURSE CALLS WITH THE BAD NEWS...FAIRLY LATE IN THE DAY...I GUESS THEY WANT TO LEAVE THE FUCKED UP NEWS FOR LAST...OR MAYBE THEY DRAW STRAWS TO SEE WHO GETS THE SHIT CALLS AND THAT PERSON PUTS IT OFF UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE SO THEY CAN GO HOME RIGHT AFTER AND NUMB THEMSELVES WITH ALCOHOL FOR DELIVERING SUCH AWFUL NEWS AND BREAKING SO MANY HEARTS...OK, OK, MAYBE I AM PROJECTING A LITTLE. (PART OF ME DOES HOPE THEY FEEL BAD THOUGH, EVEN IF IT ISN'T THEIR FAULT.) ANYWAY...LIKE I SAID, NORMALLY IT IS SOME NURSE THAT CALLS, THIS TIME I PICKED UP AND IT WAS THE HEAD DOCTOR...MY HEART JUMPED, SURELY THAT MEANS IT IS GOOD NEWS...AND THEN HE SAID "I AM SORRY". I COULDN'T EVEN TALK. I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER MUCH ELSE OF WHAT HE SAID...PERFECT EMBRYO...DON'T UNDERSTAND...NO REASON...NOT GETTING PREGNANT...JUST WORDS FLOATING BY ME AS MY HEART SHATTERED INTO A BILLION PIECES AS I SAT AT MY DESK BY MYSELF. ALL I COULD REALLY THINK WAS "HOW AM I GOING TO TELL MY WIFE I FAILED US AGAIN. NOW WAIT. I KNOW I KNOW...I DIDN'T FAIL HER, IT'S NOT MY FAULT, DON'T SAY THAT, ETC... I HAVE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE, ESPECIALLY FROM HER. IT DOESN'T MATTER - IT IS HOW I FEEL. I FEEL LIKE A FREAKIN FAILURE. I FEEL LIKE NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE AND I AM JUST GOING TO KEEP RUNNING THROUGH OUR EMBRYOS UNTIL THERE ARE NONE LEFT. I FEEL LIKE I AM KILLING OUR DREAM ONE TRANSFER AT A TIME.
THESE FEELINGS SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME. THE THOUGHT OF THE NEXT CYCLE SCARES ME. (I GO BACK NEXT MONDAY 11/19) THE THOUGHT OF COMING TO THE END OF OUR JOURNEY SO QUICKLY SCARES ME TOO. SOMETIMES IT SEEMS LIKE WE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOREVER AND SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE ITS MOVING TOWARDS THE END TOO QUICK. WOULD WE CONTINUE IF WE HAD MORE MONEY? MAYBE. MAYBE NOT. I WOULD HAVE SAID YES A YEAR AGO. I WOULD HAVE SAID YES 6 MONTHS AGO. THIS IS JUST TOO HARD SOME DAYS...LATELY, MORE DAYS THAN NOT.
So it was negative. I feel sick. I keep crying. I feel hopeless. Another "perfect" embryo destroyed by my body. I am at a loss...
SO ON FRIDAY NOVEMBER 2, 2012 @ 2PM WE TRANSFERRED 1 PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL 5 DAY HATCHING BLASTOCYST. I GO IN FOR BETA THIS FRIDAY THE 9TH, JUST A MERE 4 MORE MORNINGS FROM NOW. I AM PRETTY CALM. I AM RELAXED AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE AND JUST WAITING IT OUT. I'M NOT REALLY FEELING ANY "SYMPTOMS" BUT THEN AGAIN I AM NOT REALLY TRYING TO ANALYZE ANYTHING. FINGERS CROSSED AND LOTS OF BABY DUST PLEASE. WE WOULD LIKE THIS ONE TO STICK IT OUT WITH US.
SANDY HAS DEVASTATED THE LIVES OF SO MANY. WE WERE LUCKY. ALL OF MY LOVED ONES ARE SAFE AND SOUND WITH LITTLE TO NO DAMAGE. I AM PRAYING FOR EVERYONE WHO HAS SUFFERED DURING THIS TERRIBLE ACT OF NATURE. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU ALL.
