The make it or break it weekend

So the piglet is gonna be with us for four days starting Saturday. My sister jokes that the next four days will either seal or break the deal when it comes to wanting to have another baby. See that smile on his face? That is the smile of a kid who is up to no damn good. LOL. Actually, he is a great kid, funny and loving but he does have a temper and he is used to getting away with murder with his mommy. So it should be an interesting few days. His mom and dad never got a honeymoon so they are going to the Dominican Repupblic from Saturday to Tuesday. My poor sister has been crying non-stop since she booked the trip. She has been so sad but I think she needs the break. Her husband works 1 full and 2 part time jobs so she can stay home with the baby and as great as that is, it basically means she has no help at home from him even when he's there. I have been a stay at home mom and a working mom, and in my opinion, even though it is the best feeling in the world to get to be with your baby every minute of the day, it is alot harder physically and emotionally sometimes to stay at home. Luckily, my parents and I visit regularly and help as much as we can, but for a young, newlywed mom, there is nothing like having your partner with you. So she has been running ragged and kind of depressed. I think the trip will giver her and her hubby some time to reconnect and remember what it is like to be a couple as well as a family. I hope she has fun. I am looking forward to spending time with the piglet although I am a little concerned because my sis and I have very different parenting styles and I am worried the differences will stress/piss the piglet off. I am pretty confident we will be ok though. (I hope). On Saturday, per my sis, we are taking the piglet to get a haircut and then Dawn and I are gonna take him to Manhattan to a street fair. On Sunday, Dawn, myself, David, Ryan and the piglet will be heading to Pennsylvania to see Dawn's nephew,Ethan, for his first birthday. It will be fun to see them interact. Then, since we both have work Monday and Tuesday, my parents will watch him while we are at work and then we will take him back - funny how they got out of watching him at night, huh? We bought our own car seat and baby gate and are gonna tighten up the house and piglet proof it as much as possible.

All this planning for a few days of babysitting has gotten me thinking alot about having Dylan. I was basically home with David or took him to work with me until he was almost 4 yrs old. Dawn was in the same situation with Ry until he was 3. Both Dawn and I would always choose to stay home if we could but I know this time around we are not going to be able to do that. So we are gonna try and plan to have Dylan close enough to Summer so I can take my 6 wks at the same time as Dawn takes hers , then I can take another 2 by myself, with her not far away, she works across the street from our house and then when I go back to work she'll be home for the Summer. But that leaves us in a situation that scares the hell out of me... finding childcare for a baby under 5 months. I don't even know where to begin to try and get my mind around the idea. I know I am getting way ahead of myself in worrying since right now as far as we've gone in this ttc process is to narrow down our donor choices ( I think we are gonna purchase now and store for later since we are looking for very specific donor qualities that we may not find later) This whole plan, by the way, gives us a tiny window of opportunity to even ttc because we need to get the timing right for it to work. HOLY SHIT!!! I just stresses myself out.

So back to my point... the next few days will put us to the test at dealing with a baby together for more than a night. I know that sometimes we both worry about how it will work for us when we try to do this toghether. I know sometimes we are both scared about whether or not it will bring us even closer together as a family or tear us apart as a couple. Even if we don't say it aloud, I know the concerns are there. With one failed marriage behind us each, sometimes I worry if the end will justify the means. All the time I know that sometimes the very things we want the most are the things that are the hardest to hold onto once we have them.

Well, I am just a freaking ray of sunshine aren't I? Hope you all have a great weekend and that you are all less burdened by these maddening "what ifs" than I am.

much luv and success to all

Michelle

Taking it all off

...the weight that is...

I have never been a skinny Minnie except when I was like 14 yrs old and anorexic. (but that is a whole other thing and I would never want to be there again) but this is nuts. I am the heaviest I have ever been including when I was pregnant with David who was a fairly big baby measuring in at 8lbs 5oz, 20 1/2 inch long at 42 1/2 weeks. I gained over 60lbs with him just between the 5th month and delivery. Since then I have struggled with losing weight (although about 6 yrs ago I lost over 40) - It is a vicious cycle - For the most part I never look my weight so I just keep going but for the first time I looked in the mirror and saw every ounce looking back at me. Something has got to give.

So today is the first day of my diet. Dawn is gonna diet right along with me although she will be done ALOT sooner than I. She only has like 15 maybe 20lbs to lose. I won't tell you how much I need to lose because I don't even believe it when I hear it myself but let's just say I expect I am in this or the long haul and I am looking at at least a year before I am at least most of the way there. That's ok. I just want to lose as much as I can so that I am at a safer weight for next Summer when we try insemination for the first time. My health isn't bad but my weight is and there are a few issues that should be addressed before I try and carry a baby. Not to mention, I feel like shit lately. I am very depressed about how big I have gotten and disgusted with myslef for taking so long to address it. So I am gonna take it all off and then be able to put some back on a few months later when we get pregnant, safely and in a healthy way.

I am thinking positive thoughts all the way through to the end. In the meantime we will try to be patient and know that every pound I lose is one baby step forward.

Nephewisms

This is Dirk. This is Dirk in his toy box. What you don't see is the entire room covered in toys after Dirk climbed in the box and pulled all the toys out. The face is because his mom just caught him. What you don't hear is me laughing my butt off as I see this pic for the first time.

This is Ethan. Ethan was just screaming his head off because he is tired but doesn't want to go to bed... can you blame him... he is now firmly in the grip of his Aunt Dawn. Ethan lives in Pennsylvania and we hardly ever get to see him so Dawn believes he should never sleep when we are around. I am sure his parents were thrilled when we left because even though they love us and would love to see us more often, we totally screw up his schedule when we are around. What are Aunts for ?? He is the cutest lil' thumbsucker I have ever seen.

So, as you well know, Dirk likes to sit in things. This was his Easter basket it is now his personal butt basket. Never mind that he has a brand new, very expensive, very cushy recliner that his mommy and daddy bought him for his birthday (that he stands on) his butt prefers the comfort of the wicker basket.

Baby Recliner $100
Wicker basket $13
Cost of seeing the look on my sister's face when she realizes she should have listened to me and held off on the expensive recliner she bought for the baby's 1st birthday... PRICELESS

a pic is worth a thousand words...or one...LOVE

Just wanted to share this pic of our nephew, Dirk (my sis' baby) who just turned 1 and his dog. This is one of the reasons I can't wait to have another baby.

Bitter? Table for 1?

Babies, Babies and more Babies...... they are everywhere. Dawn has like 3 or 4 teachers at her job that are expecting and her sis in law (the one that tried for @5 years and finally had a baby last May through in-vitro) is expecting again in August, did I mention her son won't be 1 yr old till May (and this time no help needed, she wasn't even trying!!!) I am really trying to be happy for everyone, and I am, but there is this little layer of jealousy that just mixes in with the happiness and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I don't know what is going on with me. Usually I am the one to turn to Dawn and be like "baby, be nice, be happy for them, we'll have our turn" Well, excuse me for the next few words but... Screw that shit... I am tired of all the smiles and comforting words we have to give out and I am done with baby showers and shopping for other people's babies. Now wait a minute... I know what some of you are gonna say... so if (I) we feel this way why don't we get off our asses and start the process already. The answer is because just because (I) we feel this way does not make me feel any better about the timing.

There are still a few things we have yet to work out - mainly my weight - I REALLLLLY have to lose weight and alot of it. Dawn is always telling me how beautiful I am and how much she loves me and she wants to support me in whatever I want to do etc etc etc but she is I have done a million and 1 diets and they have all worked for a little while but then the weight comes flying back on. I was never skinny (except for a torrid affair with anorexia from the ages of 12 - 14) but I was soooo much smaller when I had David. I am scared to even try to get pregnant at this size. (If we played guess my weight, you could never guess) But to be honest, it is a vicious cycle, the more depressed I get about my weight, the more weight I put on, I have tried little things but none work, I have even considered the Lap Band but when I mentioned it to my doctor, she made it quite clear she would not sign off on it. So a week from today I will throw myself back into the land of dieters and try my damndest to get myself into better shape. I hope that maybe if I feel better physically, mentally will follow and if not then at least I will be a thinner, healthier crazy person. LOL.

Forget baby steps, we're at a sloooooooow crawl

So just a quick "hello" and update for everyone. While we continue to oooh and ahhh over every single cute baby or baby thing we see, we are still firm on our decision to put things off for awhile. Not forever, just awhile. We just moved it by a year, from this upcoming Summer to next. I think we just need this time to iron out a few details and get our heads together. Like I have always said, we, like our boys, are complete polar opposites. So, we are gonna use this time to remember and bask in all of the things we have in common and work on compromises regarding all baby/child related things that we are on opposite sides of the fence on. Ok, maybe not all, but as many as we can, so that when others come up we can have the tools we need to work through them together.

On March 14 we will be celebrating 9 years together and there is no one I would rather have spent those years with then my beautiful wife and our beautiful and amazing boys. It seems like watching all of you go through your ttc experiences has only brought us closer to the beginning of our journey. That sounds strange I know, escpecilly since we are delayed, but it does makes sense. I think that when we finally were both on the same page about wanting a baby together, we just jumped really quickly. We talked about having a baby but we never really talk talked about our feelings or fears about having a baby together, as two women, raising two boys together but seperately. We each have our strengths and our weaknesses and our very strong but mostly different opinions about our parenting styles. What I mean to say is while we are raising them together, because they were already 2 and 3 and each of us already had one marriage behind us when we got together we already were quite set in our ways and for the most part have continued to be so. It is only now that they are 11 and 12 and we are planning another that we are really aware of this. While I think for the most part we are gonna remain slightly "united but divided" on the boys, I am optomistic we will be able to raise a new baby as a united front if we use this time wisely.

I know a lot of people have said to just do it and things will work themselves out... I just think that we have to work things out and then do it. For all our sakes. Following your stories, your joys, your sorrows, your most intimate of thoughts and fears has made it easier for us to face ours and to so so together. Knowing we are not alone, seeing a bit of each of you in ourselves, has given us the strength to come together and talk, yell or cry it out until it was all out on the table with nothing left to do but deal with it.

So I thank you all and wish you all love and happiness and lots of dreams come true. In the meantime, we will continue to try and be patient... with both of us holding on a little too long when we are with our nephews, misting up at the sight of our pregnant family members, fighting (almost) every urge to buy baby things and counting the days till we both feel ready (or at least as ready as we'll ever be).

Sorry we haven't posted in awhile.

Secondly, we would just like to let everyone know that we are postponing our plans for a little while - so we won't really post till then. In the meantime, we would like to wish everyone lots of luv, luck and baby dust.