a long but beautiful journey... hand in hand

SO EVEN WITH ALL OF OUR (MOSTLY MY) WORRIES, WE ARE GONNA KEEP OUR RE APPOINTMENT ON THE 29TH AND TALK TO HER AND REVIEW OUR OPTIONS AND OUR CHANCES (REALISTICALLY) AND THEN GO HOME AND TALK. I THINK IT HAS JUST BEEN A VERY LONG AND BUMPY ROAD SO FAR AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE HAVE REALLY BEEN ABLE TO GET BACK TO BUSINESS AND FOCUS ON JUST OUR TTC JOURNEY. SO WE WILL... BUT THE ROAD LOOKS A LOT MORE PLEASANT TODAY.

ON A SEPARATE NOTE... I CAN NOT WAIT UNTIL JULY FOR OUR R FAMILY ALASKA CRUISE WITH OUR BEAUTIFUL BOYS. WE CAN ALL USE A VACATION.

what goes up must come down

WELL, THE RESULTS ARE IN AND I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE ALL CLEAR TO GO AHEAD WITHOUT A FOLLOW UP CT (BY CHOICE) FOR A WHOLE YEAR. THIS IS GOOD NEWS...RIGHT??? I AM FACED WITH THE SUDDEN REALIZATION THAT NOW THAT I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO WORRY ABOUT HEALTHWISE, I AM PLAGUED WITH ALL KINDS OF DOUBTS ABOUT OUR TTC PLANS. SUCKY TIMING, SUCKY FEELINGS, SUCKY ME.

WAITING TO EXHALE

OK, I WAS APPROVED MY FIRST FOLLOW UP CT SCAN AND IT IS TODAY AT 5:30. I AM GONNA HAVE TO HOLD MY BREATHE UNTIL NEXT WEEK FOR THE RESULTS. IF IT COMES BACK BAD THEN NO BABY MAKING UNTIL THE SITUATION IS TAKEN CARE OF... WHATEVER THE SITUATION MAY BE. IF IT COMES BACK FINE, WE HAVE TO CONSCIOUSLY DECIDE THAT WE ARE GONNA PUT OFF ALL MY FOLLOW UP CT SCANS UNTIL, WE HAVE DELIVERED A HEALTHY BABY OR STOPPED TTC. EITHER WAY IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE THIS TEST IS GONNA RESOLVE ANYTHING AS MUCH AS MAKE THINGS WORSE IN A WAY. THE DOCTOR RECOMMENDS FOLLOW UP CT SCANS FOR 2 YEARS, HAVING ONE DONE EVERY 3 MONTHS. LET'S SAY IT TAKES US THREE MONTHS TO GET PREGNANT AND 9 MONTHS TO DELIVER, I HAVE TO DECIDE TO FOREGO FOLLOW UP FOR A WHOLE YEAR WITH NO GUARANTEE THAT THE THYMUS WON'T "GO BAD" - IT SEEMS O EASY FOR ME TO SAY, NO PROBLEM, BUT I ALREADY HAVE TO KIDS AND A WHOLE FAMILY TO THINK ABOUT. WHAT IF I MAKE THE WRONG DECISION AND PUT MYSELF AND OUR FUTURE BABY IN DANGER?!?! WHAT IF WE HOLD OFF ONCE AGAIN AND WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, I AM FINE BUT COMPLETELY INFERTILE (REMEMBER I AM RUNNING ON ALMOST EMPTY IN THE EGG DEPARTMENT) - SO MANY DECISIONS SO LITTLE TIME. I REMEMBER WHEN BEING 32 DIDN'T SEEM SO OLD, ONE FREAKING MIS EXAM AND THAT WAS ALL SHOT TO HELL AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I AM 90.

I AM SO TIRED OF ALL THE "IT WILL ALL BE OKs" AND THE "I AM PRAYING FOR YOUs" AND THE "HANG IN THEREs"... THEY ARE NICE, AND REAL SWEET AND DON'T DO A FUCKING THING TO MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER, NO MATTER HOW MUCH THE PEOPLE SAYING IT LOVE ME. IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL LIKE ANYTHING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT. I AM SICK ABOUT ALL OF THIS. TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND SEEM LIKE I AM FINE IS FUCKING BULLSHIT AND DRIVING ME CRAZIER.

BUT HERE I GO, INHALE DEEP, HOLD BREATHE, HOPE FOR THE BEST, AND FACE THE WORLD WITH A PLASTERED ON SMILE... AT LEAST UNTIL NEXT WEEK. SO TELL ME YOU ARE PRAYING FOR ME AND THAT I SHOULD HANG IN THERE BECAUSE THINGS WILL BE OK, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I DON'T THINK IT HELPS, MAYBE IF YOU ALL DO, IT WILL. I DON'T LIKE TO ASK FOR HELP... BUT I NEED IT.

PUTTING UP A REWARD POSTER

I CAN NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME KEEP MY THOUGHTS IN ONE DIRECTION. I AM SO SCARED OF EVERYTHING LATELY. I AM MY OWN DEVILS ADVOCATE. EVERY TIME I HAVE A GOOD THOUGHT THE OTHER ME COMES UP WITH A BAD ONE TO COUNTER (OR 2 OR 3) I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE ABOUT WHAT IS TO COME BUT IT IS REALLY HARD TO DO. I AM WAITING FOR MY CHEST CT APPOINTMENT TO BE SCHEDULED. I KNOW THAT I REALLY SHOULDN'T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING UNTIL AFTER THAT BECAUSE REALLY, THAT IS GONNA BE THE JUMPING OFF POINT FOR WHETHER OR NOT WE CAN GO FORWARD WITH THE TTC OR HAVE TO WAIT (YET AGAIN) FOR ANOTHER 3 MONTH SCAN. I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT EVERYTHING. IT CONSUMES MY DAYS AND IT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT. IT IS SOMETHING THAT I STRUGGLE WITH EVERY DAY. IT IS NOT JUST THE TTC STUFF OR THE CT STUFF THAT HAS ME FEELING CRAZY, IT IS EVERY THING. I AM ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING. I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE ARE SO MANY LOOSE ENDS THAT NEED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF. I AM BY NO MEANS A CONTROL FREAK, BUT I FEEL LIKE EVERY SINGLE THING AROUND ME IS OUT OF MY CONTROL... EVEN MY THOUGHTS. I AM JUST TRYING TO GET BY AND ENJOY AS MANY MOMENTS AS I CAN. BUT I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I AM WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP. MAYBE I AM. MAYBE SOME WHERE INSIDE OF ME THERE (NOT SO HIDDEN) THERE IS A PART OF ME THAT EXPECTS THE WORSE BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL TRULY WORTHY OF HAPPINESS. I KNOW THERAPY SOUNDS LIKE AN OPTION, AND IT IS ONE I HAVE TRIED (VERY BRIEFLY) AND CONSIDERED TYING AGAIN, BUT HONESTLY, I DON'T THINK IT IS SOMETHING I CAN REALLY DO WELL WITH. I AM NICE AND OPEN ON HERE AND WRITING ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, BUT ASK MY WIFE AND SHE WILL TELL YOU, I DO NOT LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS, IT HURTS TOO MUCH. IT IS LIKE OPENING UP A POORLY HEALED WOUND THAT WILL ONLY TAKE THAT MUCH LONGER TO HEAL AND IN THE END WILL JUST SCAR WORSE. THERE IS NO DETACHMENT IN TALKING. I CAN'T SPEAK OF MY FEELINGS IN A WAY THAT ALLOWS ME TO REMOVE MYSELF FROM THEM. I KNOW THAT IS THE POINT OF THERAPY AND THAT IS WHY IT HELPS IN THE END AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BUT JUST CAN'T DO IT. ALTHOUGH READING BACK WHAT I JUST WROTE I CAN TOTALLY SEE THAT I NEED IT. LOL.

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE... WE ARE GOING TO FAMILY CAMP THIS WEEKEND. I CAN'T WAIT. I LOVE GOING THERE AND I LOVE GETTING AWAY WITH DAWN AND THE BOYS. AS AN ADDED BONUS, I RECENTLY RECONNECTED WITH MY CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND AND SHE AND HER HUSBAND AND KIDS ARE COMING WITH US. I MISSED HER SO MUCH AND I AM GLAD THAT WE ARE GETTING A SECOND CHANCE. THERE WERE SO MANY TIMES OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS I NEEDED HER. OH LORD, NOW I AM CRYING, I GUESS MY DETACH BUTTON IS NOT WORKING SO WELL TODAY. ANYWAY, HERE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO AN AWESOME WEEKEND. HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY YOURS.

looking for a little hope when feeling a little hopeless

THIS WAS ME YESTERDAY...ACTUALLY, THIS IS ME MOST DAYS. I FEEL SO NEGATIVE ABOUT HOW THINGS WILL TURN OUT. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO HOPE. LIKE I AM JUST GONNA GO THROUGH WITH THIS TO FIND OUT WHAT I ALREADY KNOW... I AM GONNA FAIL. WHAT A SHITTY FUCKING ATTITUDE TO HAVE... I KNOW IT, I BELIEVE IT AND YET I CAN'T HELP IT. THEN THERE ARE THOSE DAYS WHEN I CAN ALMOST FEEL OUR BABY IN MY ARMS (OF COURSE IT IS A GIRL IN THIS SCENARIO BECAUSE WE ALREADY HAVE 2 BOYS AND I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE ANOTHER BOY ALTHOUGH I KNOW IT WOULDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE) THAT'S HOW SURE I AM THAT WE WILL SUCCEED. HOW IS IT THAT I CAN FEEL THIS WAY WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING GIVEN IT A TRY. IT IS THIS WHOLE DAMN EGG COUNT THING THAT HAS ME SO FUCKING CRAZY!! I SWEAR TO GOD I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING DIED IN ME WHEN SHE TOLD ME HOW LOW MY OVARIAN RESERVE WAS... AND I CAN ALMOST HEAR THEM DISAPPEARING INTO THIN AIR AS WE SPEAK. THE SECONDS ON THE OLD BIOLOGICAL CLOCK TICKING SO LOUDLY IN MY HEAD THAT MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE IT WILL EXPLODE. HOW DO I SAY ALL THIS WITHOUT SOUNDING CRAZY??? THEN AGAIN, WHO CARES IF I SOUND CRAZY... I FEEL CRAZY. I FEEL LIKE THE MORE I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT THE MORE I DO. THE MORE I TRY TO GIVE MYSELF THE OLD " WHAT HAPPENS HAPPENS AND IT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING" PEP TALK THE MORE I CALL BULLSHIT ON ALL THAT WHATEVER WILL BE WILL BE ATTITUDE. DAWN TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT I HAVE ALREADY SET MYSELF UP FOR FAILURE AND THAT STRESS WILL ONLY BE A BAD THING FOR TTC... AND (NO OFFENSE MY LOVE) BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...I KNOW ALL OF THIS AND IF I COULD I WOULD STOP BUT I CAN'T!! I HAVE NEVER FELT SO COMPLETELY POWERLESS AND OUT OF CONTROL IN MY LIFE. THE WORSE PART IS WE HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED INSEMINATION YET. WE ARE PUSHED TO AUGUST (IF I GET THE CLEARANCE FROM THE PULMONOLOGIST TO SKIP MY CTs) BECAUSE OF MY CYCLES. WHAT HAPPENS THEN? WE AGREED TO ONLY A FEW MONTHS OF TRYING. I FEEL LIKE HOW CAN I NOT FEEL LIKE I WILL FAIL HER? FAIL US? WE HAVE SO MUCH AGAINST US. IT IS LIKE THE CARDS WERE ALREADY DEALT AND YET HERE WE ARE STILL WAITING FOR A CHANCE TO SIT AT THE TABLE. HOW CAN I FEEL POSITIVE AND HOPEFUL WHEN I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I FAILED?

AND AFTER ALL THIS AND LOTS OF TEARS AND MY TELLING HER THAT I NEED HOPE ...WE GET OUT OF THE CAR AND ON THE FLOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WET SIDEWALK AND UNDER MY FOOT IS RIBBON... BLUE AND PURPLE TIED TOGETHER INTERTWINED. BLUE AND PURPLE... OUR WEDDING COLORS. DAWN SAYS IT IS A SIGN. I SECRETLY PRAY IT IS. HOURS LATER WE GET HOME AND I AM STILL BUMMED AND TALKING ABOUT FEELING HOPELESS AND OPENING MY JUNK MAIL (INSTEAD OF JUST TOSSING IT) THAT HAS BEEN SITTING ON THE COUCH FOR ABOUT A WEEK OR SO... AND IN AN ENVELOPE AMONG RANDOM ADVERTISEMENTS IS ONE FOR A LITTLE GIRL FAIRY STATUE... NAMED HOPE. DAWN SAYS IT IS A SIGN. I AM PRETTY SURE IT WAS. SO TODAY IS A LITTLE BETTER.... BUT LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE... WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING.

BTW - CHECK THE COLORS OF THE PIC ABOVE...

A NON TTC POST

IT WAS OUR BOYS' CONFIRMATION THIS PAST SATURDAY. I JUST WANT TO SAY HOW PROUD OF THEM WE ARE AND HOW MUCH WE LOVE THEM. RYAN (ON THE LEFT) AND DAVID (ON THE RIGHT) ARE THE MOST AMAZING CHILDREN EVER. I KNOW WE ALL SAY THAT ABOUT OUR KIDS BUT I REALLY PRIDE MYSELF ON THE FACT THAT WHEN THEY ARE BEING ASSES I CALL THEM ON IT. THESE KIDS ARE REALLY GOOD KIDS. I LOVE THEM BOTH DEARLY AND MOST OF THE TIME WE WOULDN'T TRADE THEM IN FOR ANYTHING...LOL. SERIOUSLY, THEY ARE THE REASON THAT EVEN THOUGH WE WANT ANOTHER BABY, OUR FAMILY IS ALREADY FILLED WITH AN ABUNDANCE OF BLESSINGS AND WE ARE COMPLETE. (however, don't get me wrong, we really, really, really want to add a baby to the mix and ok, I am sorry, but you know I had to sneak something about TTC in there, it IS a TTC blog)

A RAY OF HOPE

I HAD THE HSG THE OTHER DAY AND LEFT ME FIRST SAY THIS... HOLY FUCKING CRAP THAT SHIT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!! OK, NOW THAT HAVING BEEN SAID. THE DOCTOR WHO DID IT SAID ALL LOOKED GOOD. THAT IS THE FIRST STRAIGHT UP GOOD THING I HAVE HEARD SO FAR. THIS WHOLE EXPERIENCE THUS FAR HAS BEEN ONE SHITTY THING AFTER THE OTHER BUT NOW THERE IS HOPE. IS IT BEYOND STUPID OF ME TO HOLD ONTO A GOOD LOOKING UTERUS AND A FINE PAIR OF FALLOPIAN TUBES AS OMENS OF GOOD THINGS TO COME CONSIDERING THE LOW EGG THING? WELL, SCREW IT, I WILL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET LATELY.

OF COURSE THE FINAL STEPS TO THIS EPIPHANY WERE ROUGH ONES. AS I BELIEVE I SAID EARLIER THERE WAS A HUGE LAPSE OF COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE RE'S OFFICE, THE HSG OFFICE AND MY INSURANCE. DAWN AND I LEFT OUR HOUSE EARLY ENOUGH TO ENSURE A VISIT TO THE RE'S OFFICE BEFORE MY APPOINTMENT ON THE 9TH FLOOR. WE GET THERE AND THE BILLING LADY TELLS ME WITHOUT FLINCHING THAT I DO NOT NEED A REFERRAL AT ALL BECAUSE I REGISTERED WITH MY INSURANCE'S INFERTILITY HOTLINE. I EXPLAIN TO HER AGAIN, ALMOST IN TEARS FROM FRUSTRATION AND ANGER THAT I WOULD REALLY LIKE FOR HER TO DOUBLE CHECK AND TALK TO THEM UPSTAIRS BECAUSE THE GIRL WAS REAL NASTY TO ME AND MY INSURANCE GAVE ME COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INFORMATION. SO DAWN AND I GO SIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT FOR WHAT SEEMS LIKE A FREAKING ETERNITY. WE SEE HER COME OUT AND THE LOOK ON HER FACE WAS LIKE A BULLET THROUGH THE HEART TO ME. HOWEVER, THE LOOK WAS THANKS TO THE STUPID BITCH ON THE 9TH FLOOR. APPARENTLY THE BILLING LADY WAS ABLE TO CONFIRM THROUGH THE INFERTILITY LINE THAT SHE WAS RIGHT, I DID NOT NEED A REFERRAL AT ALL, SHE THEN CALLED THE BIOTCH UPSTAIRS TO EXPLAIN AND HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCE I DID. IT WAS SO BAD SHE HUNG UP ON THE 9TH FLOOR BITCH. THEN SHE TELLS ME THAT WHILE SHE WAS TRYING TO VERIFY WITH MY REGULAR INSURANCE SHE WAS TOLD THAT AS OF 1/09 I AM NO LONGER COVERED FOR IUIs - ONLY BASIC TESTING. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BELIEVE IT OR NOT I CHOKED BACK THE HORROR OF THAT STATEMENT AND DECIDED TO KEEP ON DOING WHAT I COULD DO WHICH WAS TAKE MY ASS UPSTAIRS TO MY HSG APPT AND WORRY ABOUT THE INSURANCE THING LATER.

THE BITCH UPSTAIRS HAD MAJOR ATTITUDE AND WAS KIND ENOUGH TO TELL ME AGAIN THAT MY INSURANCE SAID I NEED A REFERRAL AND IF I HAD TO PAY BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T COVER IT - IT WASN'T HER FAULT BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME. WE WAITED AWHILE AND IT SUCKED. I WAS REALLY SCARED AND JUST WANTED TO TURN TAIL AND RUN. AFTER WELL PAST MY APPOINTMENT TIME THEY CAME TO GET ME. A YOUNG GIRL WHO HAD BEEN STANDING WITH THE BITCH WHEN I CAME IN CAME TO GET ME AND TOOK ME TO THE CHANGING ROOM. NOW... I AM A BIG GIRL AND OF COURSE THOSE STUPID GOWNS DON'T EVEN CLOSE ON ME AND RIDE UP TO BOOT SO SHE COME S TO GET ME AND I AM TRYING MY BEST TO COVER MY GOODS WHEN I ASK HER IF I CAN HAVE ANOTHER GOWN TO COVER MYSELF WHILE I WALK TO THE ROOM, SHE LOOKS ME UP AND DOWN AND SAYS, "OH, WE ARE GONNA SEE IT ANYWAY" AND BEFORE I CAN EVEN BLINK SHE HAS SHUFFLED ME OFF TO THE ROOM. I GOT UP ON THE TABLE, ASSUMED THE POSITION AND HELD MY BREATHE. THE TEST WAS PAINFUL AND I FELT A LITTLE HUMILIATED AND I CRIED, CORRECTION, SOBBED SILENTLY. BUT THROUGH THE TEARS I HEARD THE WORDS THAT MADE IT ALL WORTHWHILE... "EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD."

IT TOOK ME A COUPLE OF DAYS TO FEEL BETTER. ALOT OF CRAMPING AND BLEEDING AND BLOATING. BUT IT WAS ALL GOOD IN THE END. TO TOP IT OFF I CALLED MY INSURANCE MONDAY MORNING AND WAS TOLD THAT I AM INDEED STILL COVERED FOR UNLIMITED IUIs - SO LET'S KEEP THE GOOD NEWS COMING... I GOTTA SCHEDULE MY 2ND CHEST CT FOR NEXT MONTH.

IN THE MEANTIME, DAWN AND I ARE FOCUSING ON GETTING OUR BOYS READY FOR THEIR CONFIRMATION THIS MONTH SO WE ARE KEEPING VERY BUSY... THANK GOD!!