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SO I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU WATCH THE REAL L WORD BUT WE DO AND I LOVE IT.I AM FEELING KIND OF SAD AND MUSHY TODAY (OK, A LOT OF DAYS) AND WAS JUST SURFING THE WEB A LITTLE WHEN I CAME ACROSS THIS SITE CALLED "ITS CONCEIVABLE". THERE IS AN INTERVIEW WITH KACY (ONE HALF OF MY FAVORITE COUPLE FROM THE REAL L WORD) THAT I LOVE. HERE IS PART OF THE INTERVIEW INCLUDING THE QUOTE THAT WILL BE MY NEW MANTRA...
Any other advice, comments, or misc. wisdom about the gay parenting process?
Stay strong for each other, and please remember that no matter how many times it takes, hope is the best fertility medicine.
AND HERE IS THE LINK TO THE SITE/WHOLE INTERVIEW
http://itsconceivablenow.com/2011/07/06/kacy-and-cori/
I AM HOPING THAT KEEPING HOPE WILL HELP BUT EVEN IF IT DOESN'T IT HAS TO BE BETTER THAN FEELING DESPAIR. SO I AM GONNA TRY MY HARDEST TO KEEP MY CHIN UP, THE TEARS IN (AFTER THIS POST BECAUSE RIGHT NOW THEY ARE RUNNING AMOK) AND MY FEET MOVING FORWARD.
SO THE HYSTEROSCOPY AND D&C SUCKED ASS... SORT OF. THE PROCEDURE ITSELF WAS OK. THANKS TO THE AMAZING ANESTHESIOLOGIST, DR. FREDERICK, I WAS UNCONSCIOUS FOR THE WHOLE THING AND PAIN FREE IN THE RECOVERY ROOM. ABOUT AN HOUR AFTER I LEFT I REALIZED I SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT THE DR. HOME WITH ME. THE RECOVERY IS PAINFUL. ALL THEY TOLD ME TO TAKE FOR PAIN IS ACETAMINOPHEN AND IBUPROFEN. (THANKS FOR NOTHING PEOPLE.) IMAGINE THE WORST PERIOD YOU HAVE EVER HAD AND MULTIPLY THAT BY A BILLION (GIVE OR TAKE A FEW) AND THAT IS HOW I FEEL. THE NURSE SAID I WOULD BE LIKE THIS FOR 7-10 DAYS...YAY ME.
ANYWAY, THEY DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING WHICH IS A GOOD THING BUT LEAVES A HUGE GAPING HOLE WHERE THE ANSWER TO "WHY ARE THE FETs NOT WORKING" SHOULD BE. THEY DID THEIR CLEAN UP AND SAID IT SHOULD HELP AND INCREASE OUR CHANCES AND ...WAIT... CAN YOU HEAR IT???? YUP, SAME OLD SONG AND DANCE.
BEFORE THE SURGERY THEY HAD ME TAKE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS FOR 4 DAYS TO EXTEND MY CYCLE SINCE I HAD ALREADY STARTED AND FINISHED MY PERIOD - APPARENTLY MORE OFTEN THEN NOT THIS PROCEDURE IS DONE ON DAY 3 AND I WAS DAY 11 BY THE TIME OF MY SURGERY. SO MY FOLLOW UP IS ON 8/22 FOR BLOOD AND SONO AND THEN YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE AS TO WHEN I WILL OVULATE AND BE ABLE TO DO ANOTHER TRANSFER.
I AM DEPRESSED. I FEEL LIKE THE SLIGHTEST LITTLE THING IS GONNA SHATTER ME INTO A THOUSAND PIECES. I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE UP BUT IT IS SO HARD TO GO ON. I AM TIRED OF BEING POKED AND PRODDED AND HAVING SOME STRANGER WITH A WAND ( BTW...IF IT IS CALLED A WAND THEN IT SHOULD COME WITH SOME FUCKING MAGIC DON'T YA THINK??) ALL UP IN MY HOOHA. WE WENT IN FOR MY SONO AND CONSULT. THEY DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG BUT TUESDAY I AM HAVING A HYSTEROSCOPY AND D&C. SUPPOSEDLY THIS IS TO CHECK THINGS OUT THEN DO ANY CLEAN UP IF NEED BE - IF NO NEED BE THEN IT WILL BE A SPRUCING UP OF SORTS. ACCORDING TO THEM THIS WILL INCREASE MY CHANCES AT THE NEXT FET FROM 30-60% TO 50-60%. WHATEVER. HE ALSO SAID THAT MOST CASES THEY LIKE TO PUT THE EMBRYO IN AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE SOME MAY STOP GROWING IF YOU WAIT THEM OUT...I KNEW THAT...BUT THAT HE BELIEVES THAT THE BLASTS ARE BETTER...I KNEW THAT TOO (AND WE NOW HAVE 4 BLASTS LEFT). SO RIDDLE ME THIS BATMAN...WHY THE HELL DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL US THEY WERE PUTTING IN A 4 DAY MORULA VS. A BLAST UNTIL A DAY AND A HALF AFTER THE TRANSFER??? SHOULDN'T WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE CHOICE TO RIDE IT OUT? NOW WE HAVE THROWN AWAY ANOTHER $1200 AND POCKETED ANOTHER FAILURE WHEN ANOTHER DAY COULD HAVE MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD. I AM JUST COMPLETELY FRUSTRATED AND EXHAUSTED. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW. I WISH I COULD JUST SHUT OFF FOR AWHILE. ANYWAY, IT IS GOING TO BE A BUSY FEW DAYS. I WILL UPDATE TUESDAY OR WEDNESDAY. I HOPE EVERYONE OUT THERE IS FAIRING BETTER.
TOMORROW WE GO BACK TO THE FERTILITY CLINIC. I AM NOT EXCITED. MY DESIRE TO HAVE A BABY IS NO LESS THAN IT HAS BEEN BEFORE...IT JUST SEEMS THAT MY BELIEF IN SUCCESS IS LESS. WE ARE ALL TOLD THE NUMBER "35" IS A SORT OF EXPIRATION DATE ON OUR FERTILITY. WE ALL FEAR IT. NEVER MIND THAT INFERTILITY AFFECTS WOMEN OF ALL AGES, RACES, SIZES ETC... WELL...THIS SATURDAY I WILL BE 36. I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL THIS IMPENDING SENSE OF DOOM. IN A NUTSHELL OUR FIRST FET WAS WITH A DONOR WHO PERHAPS WAS NOT THE BEST CHOICE. WE CHOSE HIM FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS AND WELL, LETS JUST SAY QUALITY AND QUANTITY WERE NOT A HUGE CONCERN TO US SO WE DIDN'T GIVE IT MUCH THOUGHT. WE GAVE IT A SHOT. IT DIDN'T WORK. WE WERE SAD, WE REALIZED OUR MISTAKE AND CHOSE MORE WISELY. THIS LAST ONE SHOULD HAVE WORKED. EVERYTHING LOOKED PERFECT, STATS WERE FANTASTIC AND THE FINISHED PRODUCTS WERE LOOKING FLAWLESS. (ALTHOUGH WE DID FIND OUT AFTER THE FACT THAT WHAT THEY TRANSFERRED WAS A 4 DAY MORULA AND NOT A 5 DAY BLAST) IT STILL DIDN'T FRIGGIN WORK.
WHAT THE HELL! HOW CAN I NOT THINK ITS ME THAT'S THE PROBLEM?? HOW CAN I NOT FEEL LIKE I AM JUST ONE BIG FAT OLD FAILURE? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT TOMORROW BUT I AM STILL GONNA TRY MY BEST TO KEEP GOING AND FIGURE OUT A WAY TO FIND SOME MIDDLE GROUND AT CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC. RIGHT NOW LIFE CONTINUES TO GO ON AROUND US AND I AM TRYING MY BEST TO KEEP MOVING WITH IT. SOME DAYS ARE EASIER THAN OTHERS...THOSE ARE FAR AND FEW BETWEEN. I HAVE NOT HAD TO DIP INTO MY ANXIETY MEDS WHICH IS GOOD BUT I FEEL LIKE I MAY HAVE TO SOON, WHICH IS OK BUT NOT AS GOOD.
OUR TEENS ARE GREAT KIDS BUT WEIGHTED DOWN WITH THEIR OWN ADOLESCENT DRAMAS. THE OLDEST MORE SO BECAUSE HE HAS TROUBLE COPING. WE ARE TRYING TO FIX THAT AND I AM PROUD OF HIM FOR FINALLY ASKING FOR HELP AND REALIZING THAT IT IS OK TO NOT BE ABLE TO DO IT YOURSELF ALL THE TIME. I AM WORRIED HOW ALL OF THIS WILL TAKE A TOLL ON THEM, ESPECIALLY THE OLDEST, IF IT WORKS. I AM TRYING TO NOT LET MY CONCERN FOR THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT A SIBLING DICTATE MY FEELINGS. I HAVE DONE OK SO FAR. I AM STILL STICKING TO NOT WANTING TO SAY ANYTHING DURING THE PROCESS UNTIL WE SUCCEED AND ARE IN A "SAFE ZONE" I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO MAKE THEM GO THROUGH ANY OF THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL FOR SOMETHING THAT MAY NOT COME TO PASS...AND FRANKLY IF WE WERE A STRAIGHT FERTILE COUPLE AND I GOT KNOCKED UP BY ACCIDENT THEY WOULDN'T HAVE MUCH CHOICE BUT TO DEAL WITH IT ANYWAY SO WHY TREAT IT DIFFERENTLY.
I HAVEN'T MENTIONED IT BEFORE BUT I WILL MENTION IT BRIEFLY...I AM CURRENTLY PLANNING A BABY SHOWER FOR MY SISTER IN A FEW WEEKS. HER AND HER HUSBAND WERE NOT PLANNING IT. THEY ARE GOOD PARENTS. BUT SHE WAS/IS HAVING MAJOR HEALTH AND FINANCIAL ISSUES - THEY ARE NOT IN A STABLE PLACE RIGHT NOW AND STRUGGLE TO BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THEIR 5YR OLD. SHE IS HAVING A GIRL. I AM STRUGGLING WITH ALL OF THIS. I AM TRYING TO DO MY BEST TO BE HAPPY AND SUPPORTIVE FOR THEM. I SUCK. I AM JEALOUS. I AM ANGRY. I AM SAD. I AM SHAKING MY FISTS AT THE HEAVENS. I BUY CUTE BABY CLOTHES AND PRESENTS FOR THE BABY. I WILL THROW MY SISTER A BABY SHOWER IN MY HOME. I HAVE DISTANCED MYSELF FROM MY SISTER AND THIS PREGNANCY. SHE WILL BE MY FIRST NIECE. I ALREADY LOVE HER BUT I DO NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY I DID AS WHEN MY SISTER WAS PREGNANT WITH MY NEPHEW. I AM AFRAID I WON'T LOVE HER AS MUCH AS I SHOULD.
I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE. INFERTILITY IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM FUCKING SUCKS. IT HAS MADE ME A GREEN EYED MONSTER. I NEVER LIKED THE COLOR GREEN.
YEAH...THAT PRETTY MUCH SAYS IT ALL. BETA WAS NEGATIVE. NOT EVEN QUESTIONABLY LOW...JUST NEGATIVE. I WAS PREPARED, I TRIED TO PREPARE DAWN. I AM STILL SAD, I THINK SHE IS SADDER. I HAVE GOTTEN UP, DUSTED MYSELF OFF AND STARTED HEADING TO THE NEXT TRY. WE HAVE TO GO IN FOR A SONO AND CONSULT NEXT THURSDAY. WE ARE NOT GIVING UP AND THIS JOURNEY IS FAR FROM OVER.
SO ON MONDAY, JULY 23, 2012 WE HAD OUR FET. (SEE THAT LIL WHITE DOT LEFT OF THE CENTER OF THE PIC? YUP, THAT'S IT!!! MOST BEAUTIFUL DOT IN THE WORLD, I KNOW) RIGHT NOW OUR LIL EMBRYO IS SAFE AND SECURE AND HOPEFULLY PROGRESSING THE WAY IT SHOULD IN MY TUMMY. OK, UTERUS, BUT TUMMY SOUNDS SO MUCH BETTER. OUR FIRST BETA IS THURSDAY, AUGUST 2ND. NOT QUITE A FULL TWW BUT MORE THAN LAST TIME. MY LOVABLE AND SUPER EXCITED WIFE IS DRIVING ME BONKERS. SHE IS ALREADY SCHEMING TO GET ME TO POAS ASAP. SHE MAY HAVE EVEN THREATENED TO TICKLE THE PEE RIGHT OUT OF ME IF I AM UNCOOPERATIVE. I WOULD LIKE TO WAIT TILL THE BETA, MAYBE EVEN GIVE IN TO THE DAY BEFORE BUT IF IT WERE UP TO HER I WOULD HAVE BEEN PEEING ALREADY.
***DISCLAIMER - SHE GAVE ME PERMISSION TO WRITE ALL OF THIS, SO PLEASE DO NOT FEAR FOR MY SAFETY. LOL.
I UNDERSTAND HER EXCITEMENT BUT I AM TRYING TO JUST TAKE IT DAY BY DAY AND NOT GET EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED YET. I AM BRACING MYSELF JUST IN CASE. IT HELPS TO KNOW THAT WE DO HAVE 4 VIABLE FROSTIES JUST IN CASE. I AM HOPING THAT WE WON'T EVER NEED THEM BUT I LOVE THAT WE HAVE A BACKUP PLAN THIS TIME SINCE LAST TIME WE FLEW WITHOUT A NET.
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR "SYMPTOMS". BE FOREWARNED, SINCE BEFORE OVULATION AND CONTINUING FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG, I AM ON PROGESTERONE SUPPOSITORIES 2X A DAY AND ESTRACE 1X A DAY, SO IT MAY JUST BE FROM THE MEDS. BUT I WILL GIVE IT A SHOT.
SO LET'S SEE... SINCE THE FET I HAVE HAD SOME SLIGHT TO MEDIUM CRAMPING ON AND OFF. A LITTLE BROWNISH DISCHARGE (SORRY TMI) AND TODAY A FEW MOMENTS OF HARDCORE NAUSEA WHEN I SMELLED A FAMILIAR (THOUGH UNPLEASANT) PERFUME ON A CO-WORKER. I USUALLY HATE IT BUT TODAY IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS GONNA VOMIT. SINCE THE MEDS STARTED I HAVE BEEN FEELING BLOATED AND GASSY (AGAIN TMI) AND NOW SINCE THE FET I AM ALSO FEELING FULL REAL QUICK EVEN WHEN I AM HUNGRY.
THIS TIME UNTIL THE 2ND IS GONNA BE TORTUROUS. I HOPE I CAN HOLD OUT ON THE POAS. IN THE MEANTIME I AM GONNA HAVE TO MAKE SURE MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE DOESN'T MAKE ME SEDATE HER TILL THEN. FINGERS CROSSED PEOPLE PLEASE!!!
SO ITS BACK TO THE DOCTOR WE GO. I CALLED TO MAKE MY DAY 10 APPOINTMENT FOR WHAT IS TO BE OUR 2ND AND HOPEFULLY LAST NEEDED FET CYCLE. WE GO IN THIS SUNDAY THE 8TH FOR PAPERWORK AND MONITORING. SO IF ALL GOES WELL...SOMETIME MIDDLE TO END OF THIS MONTH OUR LITTLE MIRACLE COULD BE GROWING SAFE AND SOUND IN MY BELLY. FINGERS AND TOES CROSSED.
...I READ THAT BACK AND IT SOUNDED SO CALM AND COLLECTED. I ACTUALLY DO NOT FEEL EITHER. I AM PRETTY MUCH A FRIGGIN WRECK. I AM SUPER EXCITED AND SUPER SCARED. I ALMOST WANTED TO PUT IT OFF BECAUSE I AM SO SCARED OF IT NOT WORKING EVEN THOUGH NOT TRYING CLEARLY ISN'T GOING TO BE WORKING EITHER. THERE IS JUST A MYRIAD OF EMOTIONS I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW. THIS BY THE WAY DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR MY ANXIETY ISSUES. I AM TRYING MY BEST TO STAY CALM AND RELAXED. I KNOW THAT STARTING THIS WAY CAN NOT POSSIBLY MAKE ANYTHING EASIER IN THE LONG RUN. MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE IS TRYING HER BEST TO BE SOOTHING AND CALM ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US AND WHILE I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR IT...IT ALSO MAKES ME A LITTLE MAD THAT IT SEEMS SO EASY FOR HER TO JUST LET IT GO AND LET IT BE WHATEVER IT WILL BE. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I AM NOT MAD AT HER...JUST MAD THAT I CAN'T BE LIKE HER. I ENVY THE ABILITY TO JUST ACCEPT THAT SOME THINGS ARE OUT OF MY HANDS AND WORRYING ABOUT THEM WON'T CHANGE THE OUTCOME. HORRIBLE. I KNOW. BUT...I AM ALSO HAPPY FOR HER THAT SHE ISN'T BURDENED WITH THE ENORMOUS WEIGHT THAT ANXIETY PUTS ON A PERSON'S SHOULDERS. I LITERALLY FEEL LIKE I AM BEING CRUSHED UNDERNEATH IT ON THE BAD DAYS. THOUGH, THANKFULLY, I HAVEN'T HAD DAYS THAT BAD RECENTLY (OR FREQUENTLY). THAT BEING SAID, I GUESS I AM DOING BETTER THAN I THOUGHT BUT NOT AS WELL AS I HAD HOPED.
SO IN THE MEANTIME I WILL LEAVE YOU AND MYSELF WITH THIS....
