a lil self encouragement

take 3 better take

AND AWAY WE GO INTO OUR 3RD FET CYCLE. TODAY IS MY CD13. THIS HAS BEEN MY 2ND VISIT THIS CYCLE AND SO FAR...BLAH. MY LINING IS 9.2 AND MY LEADING FOLLICLE IS 11. SO I AM STILL IN THE WAIT. MY NEXT APPOINTMENT IS NEXT TUESDAY, MY CYCLE DAY 21. I OVULATE REALLY LATE EVERY MONTH AND SINCE WE ARE DOING A 5 DAY FET, IT LOOKS LIKE TRANSFER WILL BE THE VERY LAST/FIRST  DAY OF SEPT/OCT. I AM FEELING...AMBIVALENT. THAT IS PRETTY MUCH IT IN A NUTSHELL.

just grateful

                      RYAN (16 NEXT MONTH)  AND DAVID (17 IN JANUARY)


JUST TAKING A MOMENT TO REALLY BE GRATEFUL FOR THESE TWO AMAZING YOUNG MEN. I LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT MY LIFE WOULD BE LIKE WITHOUT THEM. OUR BABIES ARE NOT BABIES ANYMORE :(

indulge me - a self pity post

I AM USUALLY ANGRY OR SAD OR STRESSED OR WHAT NOT... I DON'T USUALLY FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. YUP... I'M TAKING THE LOW ROAD TODAY. ANOTHER FRIEND HAD A BABY. I AM HAPPY FOR HER. SHE IS A LIL OLDER THAN ME HAS BEEN WITH HER HUSBAND FOR OVER 20YRS AND THEY FINALLY HAVE THEIR BABY. A WHOLE LOT OF TRYING BUT NO MEDICAL INTERVENTION AT ALL. I AM ACTUALLY THRILLED FOR HER. SHE IS A GREAT PERSON AND IS GONNA BE AN AWESOME MOM BUT NOW I AM FEELING BAD FOR MYSELF.  ANOTHER FRIEND WHO IS A FEW YEARS OLDER AND ONLY MARRIED A YEAR JUST ANNOUNCED SHE IS SIX MONTHS PREGNANT!!! ONE MORE AND I MAY LOSE MY MIND ... OH YEAH AND MY SISTER IS DUE IN 5 WEEKS (ALTHOUGH I AM SURE SHE WILL GO SOONER) I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE HOW I AM GONNA SURVIVE THAT. I JUST WANNA PACK A BAG AND RUN AWAY.  

I KNOW WE HAVE TWO AMAZING KIDS (ALMOST MEN) BUT I CAN'T HELP IT... I AM FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. I AM FEELING LIKE I AM WATCHING THE WHOLE WORLD GET PREGNANT AND HAVE BABIES WHILE I SIT ON THE SIDE LINES. I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT MAKES SENSE OR IS EVEN FAIR FOR ME TO SAY SINCE I HAVE BEEN PREGNANT AND  BLESSED WITH MY SON AND THEN BLESSED AGAIN WITH MY STEPSON WHEN HE WAS JUST 2 YRS OLD. I JUST CAN'T MAKE IT GO AWAY. ALL THE BULLSHIT ABOUT MY AGE (36) AND A BUNCH OF MY FRIENDS ALL SAME AGE OR OLDER HAVE HAD BABIES IN THE LAST 2 YRS. SOME THEIR FIRST, SOME SECOND, SOME EVEN THIRD. I AM TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT MY WEIGHT... SOME WERE BIG GIRLS LIKE ME SOME A LIL BIGGER, ONLY ONE WAS  "PERFECT SIZE" "PERFECTLY IN SHAPE" PERFECTLY HEALTHY" BLAH BLAH BLAH... 

SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DEAL? AND YEAH... I AM GONNA SAY IT... WHY ME? WHY YOU? WHY ANY OF US? MAYBE ITS THE WHOLE CD2 OF FET#3 THING THAT HAS ME FEELING EXTRA NUTS TODAY. I SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO KNOW WHAT THOSE ABBREVIATIONS ARE LET ALONE HAVE TO USE THEM IN A SENTENCE...NOBODY SHOULD.

I DON'T WISH THIS CRAP ON ANYONE...BUT WHY THE HELL AM I STARING AT A PICTURE OF SNOOKI'S BABY ON THE COVER OF A MAGAZINE WHEN FOR HOW MANY SEASONS HAVE I BEEN WATCHING THAT GIRL DRINK HERSELF TO OBLIVION, FALL INTO BUSHES, GET ARRESTED, SLEEP WITH WHOEVER, FLASH HER HOOHA ALL OVER THE PLACE AND SPEAK INCOHERENTLY EVEN WHILE SOBER???? FRIGGIN SNOOKI?!?!?

(SHAKING MY FISTS AT THE SKY WHILE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS)  WHAT THE FUCK UNIVERSE??? ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?????

OK. I AM DONE. HOPE YOUR DAY IS BETTER THAN MINE.



**UPDATED AS OF 9/27/12 - 3 MORE PREGNANT FRIENDS ALL THE SAME AGE OR OLDER THAN ME.  THIS SHIT IS GETTING OLD AS HELL.  BITTER? YUP.  SAD ABOUT BEING BITTER?  DOUBLE YUP.  HOPING TO GET OUT OF THIS FUNK AND START FEELING HAPPY?  THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH YUPS IN THE WORLD.  FOR THE RECORD... I AM HAPPY FOR ALL OF THESE PEOPLE AND ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE SUCCESS...I'M JUST SAD FOR ME AND ALL OF THOSE WHO DON'T.

Tangled thoughts and feelings

IF EACH ONE OF THESE RUBBER BANDS WAS A DIFFERENT THOUGHT OR FEELING AND YOU MULTIPLIED THEM BY 100, THIS IS WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IN THE INSIDE OF MY HEAD. RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T GET MY HEAD STRAIGHT. I CAN'T TALK ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING BECAUSE IT ISN'T CLEAR ENOUGH TO FORM INTO SPOKEN WORDS. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SORT OUT MY THOUGHTS. I JUST KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW MY LOWS ARE MORE THAN MY HIGHS AND IT HAPPENS FROM ONE MINUTE TO THE NEXT. I AM BETTER WHEN I AM BUSY. THE FIRST SIGN OF DOWN TIME AND ITS LIKE SOMEONE POKES A HOLE IN THE DAM. 

MONEY, THE BOYS, MY PARENTS, MY SISTER, MY JOB, OUR MARRIAGE,  THE IVF... ITS ALL WEIGHING ON MY MIND AND MORE. I FEEL LIKE THERE IS A WEIGHT ON MY CHEST SOMETIMES AND I CAN'T EVEN BREATHE BECAUSE OF IT. I WORRY TOO MUCH. I KNOW. I JUST CAN NOT HELP IT. THE IVF STUFF HAS MADE ME CRAZY. WE ARE GONNA TRY AGAIN...IF IT DOESN'T WORK (PLEASE GOD, LET IT WORK) WE WILL STILL HAVE 3 FROSTIES LEFT. THE PROBLEM IS...I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO TRY AGAIN RIGHT AWAY AFTER THAT OR WAIT A LITTLE...OR A LOT. I JUST TURNED 36. MY WIFE WILL BE 42 SOON. BOTH BOYS ARE STARTING THEIR JUNIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL TOMORROW. HOW LONG DO I WANNA WAIT? HOW LONG CAN I WAIT? HOW LONG CAN I GO ON? I DON'T WANT TO WAIT SO LONG THAT THE BOYS LEAVE FOR COLLEGE AND WE WELCOME A NEW BABY. I DO NOT WANT THEM TO THINK WE ARE REPLACING THEM AND I CERTAINLY DO NOT WANT THEM TO BE GONE SO SOON WITHOUT HAVING GOTTEN TO SPEND ANY TIME WITH A NEW SIBLING...OF COURSE THIS IS ASSUMING THIS ALL WORKS...BUT I ALSO CAN NOT SIT HERE AND SAY THAT I AM 100% CERTAIN I WANT TO COMMIT TO DOING THIS BACK TO BACK TILL WE REACH THE END ANYMORE. I AM SO TORN. 

EVEN WRITING THAT WAS EXHAUSTING AND LEFT ME FEELING SICK. I THINK I AM DONE WRITING FOR NOW...

OUT AGAIN

THE ABOVE PRETTY MUCH DEFINES WHAT I SAY VS. HOW I FEEL. IT WOULD BE EASIER IF NO ONE ASKED. THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO ADD LIAR TO MY LIST OF SELF DESCRIBING ADJECTIVES.

WE ARE OUT ANOTHER CYCLE. I DON'T GO BACK FOR ANOTHER THREE WEEKS. I AM CRUSHED. 

I WENT FOR MORE BLOOD AND ANOTHER SONO TODAY AND IT TURNS OUT THERE IS SOME FLUID IN MY UTERINE CAVITY. THEY WERE NOT 100% SURE WHAT IT IS BUT THE ARE PRETTY SURE ITS BLOOD. MORE LIKELY THAN NOT, FROM THE HYSTEROSCOPY. SO AS PER THE DOCTOR THIS DOES NOT MAKE MY UTERUS A "GOOD ENVIRONMENT FOR AN EMBRYO" JUST FOR THE RECORD...FUCK YOU VERY MUCH DR. Z. OK WELL, MAYBE THAT WAS HARSH. IN MY DEFENSE I AM ALL KINDS OF ANGRY RIGHT NOW (AS WELL AS SAD, TIRED, FRUSTRATED ETC...) AND I NEED TO FIGURE OUT SOMEONE TO BE ANGRY AT OTHER THAN MYSELF. HE IS AS GOOD A TARGET AS ANY.

I MEAN FINE, BEING CAUTIOUS AND WAITING THIS MONTH OUT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO BUT THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. THE HYSTEROSCOPY WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE TO "STIMULATE MORE BLOOD FLOW" AND MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR AN FET. THAT SHIT DID THE FUCKING OPPOSITE. COME ON ALREADY WITH THIS CRAZINESS. I AM ONLY HUMAN AND I AM HAVING A HARD TIME FIXING THE CRACKS THAT THIS IS PUTTING IN MY HEART AND SOUL.

BEFORE THIS ALL STARTED, WHEN I THOUGHT THE IDEA OF ANOTHER BABY WAS COMPLETELY OFF THE TABLE, I WAS JUST SAD. I FELT LITTLE TWINGES OF SADNESS HERE AND THERE PASSING BABY CLOTHES OR HEARING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE BEING PREGNANT. I WOULD LOOK AT MY BOYS AND SEE HOW FAST THEY WERE GROWING UP (DID I MENTION THEY ARE 15 AND 16 ALREADY!!) AND MY HEART WOULD ACHE FOR THE DAYS WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE. NOW THIS IVF BABY MAKING STUFF HAS LEFT ME SAD, ANGRY, BITTER, JEALOUS, TIRED, INSECURE, DEPRESSED ETC... I KNOW IN THE END IT WILL BE ALL WORTH IT IF I GET TO HOLD OUR HAPPY, HEALTHY BABY IN MY ARMS...BUT WHAT HAPPENS IF I DON'T? WHAT WILL BE LEFT OF ME? WHAT WILL HAVE BEEN RUINED? 

HOW MANY PEOPLE FIND SUCCESS AFTER ALL THE HEARTBREAK? HOW MANY FIND THEMSELVES WORSE OFF FOR TRYING AND FAILING? THE STAKES ARE SO HIGH. THIS WHOLE PROCESS HAS BY FAR BEEN THE BIGGEST RISK I HAVE EVER TAKEN... I HOPE AT THE END OF ALL THIS I GET TO BE ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES WHO GETS TO SAY IT WAS ALL WORTH IT. 

Struggling

I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY TODAY. I AM STRUGGLING. I AM HAVING A HARD TIME COPING. I AM TERRIFIED. I AM ANGRY. I AM SAD. 

EVERYTHING WAS FINE AT MY FOLLOW UP VISIT YESTERDAY. MY LEAD FOLLICLE WAS 17 AND MY LINING 9.5. I HAVE TO GO BACK TOMORROW FOR ANOTHER SONO AND MORE BLOOD. MORE POKING AND MORE PRODDING. SO I GUESS WE ARE LOOKING AT SOME TIME MID NEXT WEEK FOR OUR NEXT FET. 

I AM NOT EXCITED. I AM TIRED. I CAN'T MANAGE TO GET MY HOPES UP EVEN A LITTLE BECAUSE I CAN'T RISK BEING BROKEN ANYMORE. I FELL OUT OF MYSELF...DETACHED. I KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT IT WILL BE OK AND IN THE END THIS WILL ALL BE WORTH IT. I BELIEVE MYSELF LESS AND LESS. I FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I FEEL THIS WAY ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE THAT WANTED THIS THE LONGEST. 

WE ARE HOSTING MY SISTER'S BABY SHOWER THIS SATURDAY. I WISH I COULD HIDE. I WISH I COULD RUN AWAY. I WISH I COULD BE INVISIBLE. I WISH I COULD MAKE THESE FEELINGS GO AWAY. I WISH I WAS A BETTER PERSON. I FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE ONE. 

I FEEL LIKE I AM DROWNING AND ANYONE WHO REACHES OUT GETS DRAGGED DOWN WITH ME.

I AM NOT SURE HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE BUT I KNOW THAT IF I GIVE UP BEFORE WE HAVE EXHAUSTED OUR LAST TRY (WE STILL HAVE 4 FROSTIES) I WILL HATE MYSELF AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WONDERING WHETHER OR NOT THE ONE WE DIDN'T DO WAS THE ONE THAT WOULD HAVE WORKED. AT LEAST THIS WAY IT FEELS LIKE THERE IS AN END...ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.