Forget baby steps, we're at a sloooooooow crawl

So just a quick "hello" and update for everyone. While we continue to oooh and ahhh over every single cute baby or baby thing we see, we are still firm on our decision to put things off for awhile. Not forever, just awhile. We just moved it by a year, from this upcoming Summer to next. I think we just need this time to iron out a few details and get our heads together. Like I have always said, we, like our boys, are complete polar opposites. So, we are gonna use this time to remember and bask in all of the things we have in common and work on compromises regarding all baby/child related things that we are on opposite sides of the fence on. Ok, maybe not all, but as many as we can, so that when others come up we can have the tools we need to work through them together.

On March 14 we will be celebrating 9 years together and there is no one I would rather have spent those years with then my beautiful wife and our beautiful and amazing boys. It seems like watching all of you go through your ttc experiences has only brought us closer to the beginning of our journey. That sounds strange I know, escpecilly since we are delayed, but it does makes sense. I think that when we finally were both on the same page about wanting a baby together, we just jumped really quickly. We talked about having a baby but we never really talk talked about our feelings or fears about having a baby together, as two women, raising two boys together but seperately. We each have our strengths and our weaknesses and our very strong but mostly different opinions about our parenting styles. What I mean to say is while we are raising them together, because they were already 2 and 3 and each of us already had one marriage behind us when we got together we already were quite set in our ways and for the most part have continued to be so. It is only now that they are 11 and 12 and we are planning another that we are really aware of this. While I think for the most part we are gonna remain slightly "united but divided" on the boys, I am optomistic we will be able to raise a new baby as a united front if we use this time wisely.

I know a lot of people have said to just do it and things will work themselves out... I just think that we have to work things out and then do it. For all our sakes. Following your stories, your joys, your sorrows, your most intimate of thoughts and fears has made it easier for us to face ours and to so so together. Knowing we are not alone, seeing a bit of each of you in ourselves, has given us the strength to come together and talk, yell or cry it out until it was all out on the table with nothing left to do but deal with it.

So I thank you all and wish you all love and happiness and lots of dreams come true. In the meantime, we will continue to try and be patient... with both of us holding on a little too long when we are with our nephews, misting up at the sight of our pregnant family members, fighting (almost) every urge to buy baby things and counting the days till we both feel ready (or at least as ready as we'll ever be).

Sorry we haven't posted in awhile.

Secondly, we would just like to let everyone know that we are postponing our plans for a little while - so we won't really post till then. In the meantime, we would like to wish everyone lots of luv, luck and baby dust.

Baby Steps forward

Ok so it's been a really long time since I have posted. Things have been a little hectic in our everyday lives so I haven't had much to say that wouldn't bore everyone to death. But for the sake of catching everyone up on the exciting life we live here we go...

We have been busy preparing for our nephews' Baptisms and getting our boys ready to go back to school. David has started practices for football again (3x a week) so we have been spending most of our time sitting at the field. I started classes again last week. So much to do so very little time.

On the quest for baby front, because there really doesn't seem like there is much for us to do right now I, with Dawn showing me one stitch, have begun to crochet a baby blanket. It is coming along fairly well and I figure even if I never learn to make anything else, at least I know our future baby will never be cold. As soon as I can I will take a picture of it so you can all see my slow but steady progress. But first you all have to promise not to laugh. Not sure if I mentioned it previously or not but awhile back I went to a new OB/GYN and she said all is well and said since we were still just planning to try the one thing we could do was start me on prenatals - I HATE vitamins - I think I have only ever liked flintstones vitamins. But what the hell, I went online and ordered two 300 count bottles of CVS prenatal vitamins - which came out to a measly $20 and have been taking them religiously every night for about a week. Any step, no matter how small, is a step in the right direction.

We have been spending alot of time with my 6 month old nephew and I just have to say for the record, I love every minute of time we do but every now and then when we have him and he cries I panic, I think to myself, can we really do this again? Most of the time though the question sounds more like " HOLY SHIT can I really do this again? What do I remember about taking care of a baby?" but then he puts his head against my chest or snuggles up to Dawn and I remember why I want this again. Yeah it is true that my baby is almost 12 and Dawn's is almost 11 and we have probably gotten a little rusty over the years but I know that somehow we will pull it together and be just fine.

*** a special shout out, all our love and downpour of super sticky baby dust to Kim & M who will be trying again real soon.

Baby Beluga in the Deep Blue Sea...

We had an excellent weekend. We had so much fun with Alexa being around. We went to Mystic Aquarium and it was a blast. She behaved very well and seeing the boys with her made my heart ache for the day when we can give them a sibling. She is in the middle of being potty trained but went the entire weekend without an accident (including the 5 hours we spent driving back and forth) It was very sad to send her back. When she did go back David decided to go with her and spend the night at their dad's. Thankfully, the night went without incident and he had a really good time. Dawn and I hope and pray that their dad and his wife get their act together. David has suffered so much pain and disappointment from them, he could use the break. Anyway, when he came home yesterday I asked how things were during his visit. Well, he said Alexa was a totally different kid. He said she threw tantrums and hit and pooped in her underwear and even peed on the floor. He said when he told his dad and her mom that she was not like that when she was with us they told him they knew. He said Alexa got upset anytime his dad and her mom tried to talk - pushing them away from each other and throwing a fit. It breaks my heart to hear that she is having such a hard time in her home. I wish there was something I could do. I am just so afraid if I say anything they will stop her from visiting again and the little bit of a break she does get away from the chaos of her life will be taken away. Part of me curses the day I ever let myself get involved and the rest of me suffers for the life she is going to have if they don't get their shit straight.

Alexa

This is a picture of David, Ryan and Alexa around Christmas 2006. Alexa is my son's sister from his father. She will be 3 years old this month. We love this little girl. She is spending the weekend with us. I am torn. David's dad is not the most responsible man in the world and even though he has gotten better he still keeps making really bad decisions. He and his wife both have bad habits and Alexa falls to the wayside. When we first found out they were having a baby we all went through changes... Especially David - In the beginning I refused to even hold her because frankly, I was afraid to get involved - Well, when she was about 4 1/2 months old at David's birthday party, her mother shoved her in my arms and made a mad dash for a cigarette break - it was instant love. I could not look into her face and not see some part of my son - even though they don't look alike. She loves spending time with us and there were times when one or the other of her parents called me to come get her because things were really bad at home. I even had a situation where the police asked me to take her because neither of her parents was capable at the time. I always had to give he back.

As David has gotten older, he has become more adamant about not being around his father's wife. They split for awhile and he moved to his mother's - so David did not find it necessary to even have to go there at all.. She failed to see that it is because of her and his father's behavior... she decided that she was going to punish us by keeping Alexa from coming over. She missed our 'family' camping trip this year because of it and there have been many times that she has climbed into my car, buckled in and begged me to let her come to my house. There has even been a few times where she has come with her dad to bring David home and refused to leave. Well, they are back together and moving upstate, about an hour away from us, so Alexa is spending the weekend with us while they move. I am torn. We all miss her so much and can't wait to see her but then we have to give her back. So broken hearts all around all over again.

How do I love her... how could I not?

Just so everyone is totally clear on this... I absolutely love Dawn. She loves me in a way that I never even thought was possible. If I had to relive every painful moment I have ever gone through in my life (and there have been many really really painful times) all over again to meet her - I would... in a heartbeat. I always liked guys and girls growing up - even though my first experience with a woman was at 17 - But I never wanted to be in a relationship with a woman because in my mind it seemed impossible to have children with a woman - I had my little flings with them but never more then that - when I met Dawn my life changed in an instant. I am not the kind of person to get close to someone right away - I hate crowds and am not a the kind of person who has ever strayed from my little circle of friends - When I was walking down the stairs and she said hello, I looked up and something just clicked. She was cute in her scrubs and bleached- blonde- hair cleaning kiddie furniture but it wasn't that - but it wasn't that - I had to get to know her and went out of my way to become friends with her. We became almost inseparable.

I was going through a divorce and had my "friends" on the side and as far as I knew she was straight as can be with her own "friends" on the side - she knew all of my interests and we talked about everything. When I realized that I was having feelings for her I panicked... I was so afraid that she would figure it out and get freaked out. I thought for sure I would lose having her in my life so I kept telling her how much she was not my type (even tried to hook her up with a few of my male friends). I figured if I said it enough and got her involved with someone she would feel safe and I would be able to keep my head clear of anything romantic with her and we could at least be friends. (of course I had no idea she had a thing for me)

I won't get into details but those few months when I was falling head over heels in love with her and actively trying to push her into other people's arms while pursuing my own dalliances was one of the hardest times in my life - I had never been more fucked up in the head - (to find out later that what we did to each other and ourselves during that time was completely uncalled for and just plain ass backwards) - Anyway, shortly after we got together, I knew I was hooked for life - not even the idea of having to give up having more children was enough to make me want to be without his woman. Although I never gave up hope.

Now that we are on our way to adding to our little family I can not even express how happy I am... but if things don't happen as we want... My life is already complete the way it is. Dawn is my best friend, my biggest supporter, the kick in my ass when I need it (whether I want it or not. lol.) She has stuck by me through it all. Even when it seemed like I was losing hope, she had enough for the two of us. I have always said and firmly believe that my life started when I had my son (at 19) but our life wasn't truly complete until we met the rest of our family in August of 1998. A baby would just make it all that much better.

Tagged by my own wife....(Dawn posting)

I got tagged to write a me-me. I have never been tagged before, leave it to Michelle to be the one to do it... anyway, here it goes...me trying to force my "on summer vacation" brain to think.
The rules: Let others know who tagged you. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. Players should tag 8 other people and tell them they’ve been tagged.

1. On 8-24-98, not knowing why, I am drawn to a beautiful woman outside my job. I uncharacteristically said "HI" to a complete stranger and struck up a conversation. We became fast friends and six months later "more than friends". So technically when Michelle says I made the first move, she's right.

2. Michelle is the only woman I have ever been with or consciously ever wanted to be with.

3. I absolutely hated school when I was a kid. Cut class alot in high school and college. I was on the 5 1/2 year program in college. Who would have thought I'd be a teacher!! 8 years and counting...(How long before I can retire???!!! LOL)

4. Slightly addictive personality when it comes to Hostess cupcakes. OK honestly...addicted when it comes to cupcakes, donuts, starbucks, chocolate, michelle, diet pepsi, tabloids...maybe not in that order...GOD I NEED HELP!!

5. CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE DYLAN!!!!!!!!! Deep inside I always knew but it took me a long time to really admit that I wanted a baby with Michelle and get past my "no biological connection" issue (OK still a little concerned about it) but I've moved on and now I'm Dylan obsessed. I can't wait to be a family of five.

6. OH YEAH...I forgot one of my addictions...REALITY TV. Amazing Race, Big Brother, Next top model, Hell's kitchen, American Idol, So you think u can dance...you name it, I'll watch it.

7. I am a HUGE procrastinator when it comes to ...UMMMM...EVERYTHING. But ask anyone, I always pull it together at the last second. Don't know how but I do.

8. I LOVE MY FAMILY AND MY CRAZY IMPERFECT LIFE MORE THAN I HAVE EVER LOVED ANYTHING!! I WOULDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT IT AND I LOOK FORWARD TO EVERY TWIST AND TURN OUR JOURNEY TAKES US ON... OK HITTING LOTTO WOULDN'T HURT!!!!