denied...for now

PERMISSION TO GO BACK FOR FERTILITY TREATMENT DENIED... FOR NOW. LAST WEEK I WENT TO THE HEMATOLOGIST AND IT SEEMED LIKE EVERYTHING WAS OK. SORT OF. HE DID SOME BLOOD WORK IN OFFICE AND THAT CAME BACK OK. JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE HE SENT IT OUT FOR MORE EXTENSIVE TESTING AS WELL AS URINE. SO OFF I WENT FIRST THING THIS MORNING FOR A 6AM RESULTS APPOINTMENT. I AM A TOTAL HALF GLASS EMPTY KIND OF PERSON SOMETIMES. IF I EVEN GET THE INKLING THAT SOMETHING BAD MAY HAPPEN I START TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR THE WORST. THAT IS HOW I AM. I GET IT FROM MY MOM. THAT IS HOW I HAVE MANAGED TO SURVIVE A LOT OF SHITTY THINGS. WELL, FOR THE LAST WEEK I HAVE LISTENED TO EVERYONE TELL ME IT IS ALL GONNA BE OK AND THAT IT'S NOTHING. I LET MYSELF BELIEVE THAT. I WENT IN THIS MORNING WITH NOT A CARE IN THE WORLD EAGERLY WAITING TO GET THE OK. THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND TOLD ME "EVERYTHING CAME BACK OK, NOT GOOD, NOT BAD JUST OK." HE SAID THAT HE DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT HE HAD THE RECEPTIONIST START WRITING MY PERMISSION SLIP. I PUT MY COAT ON. HE CAME BACK AND SAID HE WANTED TO RUN THE IN OFFICE AGAIN. SO JACKET OFF, BLOOD WORK DONE, RESULTS... WORSE THAN THE LAST TIME. HE HAD ME LAY DOWN, POKED MY HIPS (I LET OUT SUCH A SCREAM WHEN SHE TOUCHED MY LEFT HIP) AND ACROSS MY LOWER BACK. HE TOLD ME HE WANTS TO DO A BONE MARROW ASPIRATION. WHAT THE FUCK!!???!!! HE TOOK SOME MORE URINE AND TOLD ME TO CALL TUESDAY TO MAKE SURE IT IS ALL CLEAR OF BACTERIA. IF NOT THEN I GET ANTIBIOTICS TILL ITS CLEAR BEFORE I CAN SCHEDULE THE PROCEDURE. IT HAS TO BE DONE IN THE HOSPITAL UNDER SEDATION. HE LEFT ME THERE, SLACK JAWED IN THE DOORWAY HE WALKED TO THE RECEPTIONIST PICKED UP MY RELEASE FOR TREATMENT AND RIPPED IT UP. YES FOLKS, HE RIPPED IT UP. HOW FUCKING SYMBOLIC IS THAT. THAT IS EXACTLY HOW MY HEART FELT. SO TUESDAY I SHOULD KNOW MORE. UNTIL THEN I AM STICKING TO BEING PESSIMISTIC... THERE IS SO MUCH LESS DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN YOU EXPECT THE WORSE FROM THE START.


*** UPDATE***

SO YESTERDAY THEY SCHEDULED ME FOR THE BONE MARROW ASPIRATION FOR 12/5 - I PUT IN FOR THE DAY OFF, MADE ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE KIDS SO ON AND SO ON. THIS MORNING I GET A CALL AT 6:45AM FROM THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - THEY HAVE TO CANCEL THE APPOINTMENT BECAUSE MY URINE CAME BACK FUCKED UP AGAIN - HE WANTS ME TO SEE A KIDNEY SPECIALIST TO GET CLEARANCE FOR THE BONE MARROW ASPIRATION. OK, SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? I NEED TO GET PERMISSION FROM THE KIDNEY GUY TO BE TREATED BY THE BLOOD GUY TO BE TREATED BY THE FERTILITY LADY - I MEAN HOW MANY HORNY STUPID STRAIGHT TEENS GET KNOCKED UP THEIR FIRST TIME AROUND WITHOUT SO MUCH AS PERMISSION FROM THEIR PARENTS AND NOW I GOTTA GET A MILLION AND ONE FUCKING PERMISSION SLIPS JUST TO TRY AND GET PREGNANT. MIND YOU, AT THIS POINT IT IS STILL UNCLEAR WHETHER OR NOT THAT IS EVEN GONNA BE POSSIBLE. I JUST WANT 1 CLEAR ANSWER. IS THERE A FORM SOMEWHERE I HAVE TO FILL OUT IN TRIPLICATE TO ASK FOR PERMISSION FOR THAT?

***2ND VERSE SAME AS THE FIRST***

SO NO KIDNEY SPECIALIST - INSTEAD MY PRIMARY DR PU TME ON SOME HARDCORE DOUBLE ANTIBIOTIC FOR 10 DAYS THEN I HAVE TO REDO THE BLOOD AND URINE TO SEE WHAT IS WHAT - IF THE WBC COUNT IS STILL HIGH BUT THE BACTERIA COUNT IS GONE THEN I WILL 99.9% HAVE TO DO THE BONE MARROW ASPIRATION. EITHER WAY SHE IS GONNA WANT TO DO MY CBC MORE OFTEN JUST TO MAKE SURE THEN I GUESS ONCE THIS IS ALL CLEAR... IT BETTER... I WILL HEAD BACK TO MY RE.

ALL CLEAR...NOT

SO APPARENTLY, NOW I NEED A FREAKING PERMISSION SLIP TO TTC. OUR RE CALLED ON WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON, OF COURSE, I MISSED THE CALL AND SHE LEFT A MESSAGE. MY REDO CBC RESULTS ARE IN. MY PLATELETS ARE NORMAL BUT MY WBC ARE STILL ELEVATED, APPARENTLY MORE SO THAN THE LAST TIME. SO SHE WENT ON TO SAY THAT WHILE THIS MAY BE NOTHING, IT MAY BE SOMETHING SO SHE WANTS ME TO SEE A HEMATOLOGIST. I AM SUPPOSED TO TAKE ALL MY BLOOD TEST RESULTS TO HIM AND THEN GET HIM TO CHECK ME OUT, IF ALL IS OK I NEED "A NOTE SAYING THAT I AM OK TO TRY AND GET PREGNANT, EITHER ON A PRESCRIPTION PAD OR DOCTOR'S LETTERHEAD: NO, SERIOUSLY, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. IF THIS WHOLE THING WASN'T SO FREAKING UPSETTING I WOULD TOTALLY LAUGH MY ASS OFF. THIS IS SO MUCH WORK AND THE HARD PART HASN'T EVEN STARTED. EVERY TIME I MAKE PEACE WITH THE LAST LITTLE SETBACK AND PULL MYSELF UP TO MOVE ON I GET HIT WITH SOMETHING ELSE. SO TODAY I HAVE TO GO SEE MY PRIMARY PHYSICIAN WHO I NOW HAVE TO EXPLAIN ALL THIS TO, GET A REFERRAL, CAUSE MY INSURANCE SUCKS, AND SEE A HEMATOLOGIST, WHOSE NAME IS DR. FUK, HOLD LAUGHTER, NEXT WEEK. WHEN WE DECIDED TO TTC THIS UPCOMING SUMMER, IT FELT LIKE SUCH A LONG WAY OFF, JUST A REALLY LONG TIME OF DOING NOTHING BUT WAITING, IT TURNS OUT THAT ALL THE TIME FROM HERE TO THERE IS GONNA BE PUT TO USE AFTER ALL. OH LORDY I NEED A VACATION.

THAT'S ALL WE NEED... AND THAT'S ALL I MAY HAVE

SO, HERE IS THE LATEST UPDATE... I WAS HAVING A HORRIBLE DAY ON FRIDAY. I HAD TO DROP MY CLASSES FOR THIS SEMESTER BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN REALLY OVERWHELMED AND STRESSED LATELY WHICH CAUSED ME TO FALL REALLY BEHIND. RATHER THEN HAVE MY GPA FALL I WITHDREW. SO THAT IS GONNA SET ME BACK SOME. ANYWAY WHEN I CAME OUT OF SCHOOL I HAD A MESS AGE FROM THE RE. THE GOOD NEWS WAS MY PAP CAME BACK FINE. THE BAD NEWS... THE MIS RESULTS. ACCORDING TO THE DOC, SHE IDEALLY WOULD LIKE A PATIENT TO HAVE A MINIMUM EGG COUNT OF .4 FOR IUI. I AM AT .27 - I AM NOT GOOD AT MATH BUT CLEARLY THIS IS NOT A GOOD NUMBER. SHE WENT ON TO SAY THAT SHE WAS SURPRISED IT WAS SO LOW... SHE WAS SURPRISED?!?! WTF??? I AM THE ONE THAT IS FUCKING SURPRISED. ANYWAY, THE MESSAGE SAID THAT EVEN THOUGH DAWN AND I MADE IT CLEAR THAT IVF IS NOT AN OPTION FOR US, IF WE CHANGE OUR MIND, SHE FEELS WE WOULD BE BETTER SUITED FOR IVF THAN IUI, WE SHOULD MAKES MOVES SOON BECAUSE AS TIME PASSES MY EGGS DECREASE AS DO MY CHANCES (CUE THE TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY FACE WHILE ON THE BUS) SHE SAID IF WE STILL WANTED TO GO THROUGH WITH THE IUI WE COULD WITH OR WITHOUT THE MEDS - AND WE DON'T EVEN NEED TO MAKE ANOTHER APPOINTMENT TILL I HAVE MY 2ND DAY BLOOD TEST DURING THE CYCLE WE CHOOSE AND TO JUST MAKE SURE THE SWIMMERS ARE THERE AND THAT WE HAVE TAKEN THE IUI CLASS. SOOO, I HANG UP AND SOB, STILL ON THE BUS. I GET HOME @ 2 AND TEXT DAWN WHO WAS STILL AT WORK - AND WAITED FOR HER TO GET HOME. WE DECIDED TO GO FORWARD AS PLANNED BUT I HAVE TO SAY I AM FEELING A LITTLE DEJECTED AND LIKE I HAVE ALREADY LET DAWN DOWN. WE ARE SHORT ON EGGS BUT I AM SURE THE ONES WE HAVE ARE GOOD ONES AND WILL DO JUST FINE. DID THAT SOUND CONVINCING ENOUGH? ANYBODY ELSE HAVE THIS # PROBLEM BUT HAVE SUCCESS WITH IUI?

update - more crappy news than good

OK, SO HERE IS THE LATEST UPDATE. ONLY SOME OF MY TEST RESULTS ARE BACK. MIS AND PAP RESULTS ARE STILL NOT IN. THE DOCTOR CALLED ME YESTERDAY AND TOLD ME THAT I AM ANEMIC... SEVERELY ANEMIC. I NEED TO TAKE EXTRA IRON AS WELL AS PRENATALS. ALSO, I HAVE TO REPEAT MY CBC BLOOD WORK. MY PLATELET AND WBC COUNTS WERE OFF. SO BACK I GO ON MONDAY TO GET MORE BLOOD TAKEN... HELLO, I AM ANEMIC, DON'T I NEED TO KEEP MY BLOOD???!?!! I AM ALSO CMV- , SHE SAYS THIS MEANS SHE WOULD PREFER IF WE PICK A CMV- DONOR, BUT THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO. APPARENTLY MOST PEOPLE TEST CMV+ SO WE'LL SEE IF OUR CHOICES ARE LIMITED EVEN MORE BY THIS LITTLE BIT OF NEWS. SHOULD BE ANOTHER WEEK OR SO BEFORE I HAVE THE OTHER RESULTS... WHAT HAPPENED TO I SHOULD HAVE THEM ALL BACK IN 2 WEEKS?!?!? ANYWAY, I AM TOTALLY PMSing AND I HAVE HAD A REALLY SHITTY TIME LATELY SO EXCUSE THE CRANKY ASS BEHAVIOR. HOPE ALL IS WELL FOR EVERYONE ELSE OUT THERE IN BABYMAKING LAND.

just another day in the life

SO THE OTHER DAY I RECEIVED A LETTER IN THE MAIL FROM MY INSURANCE WITH SOME INFO ON INFERTILITY COVERAGE. IT LISTED A WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS THAT I AM APPROVED FOR SUCH AS ULTRASOUNDS AND MEDS AND TESTS. HOWEVER, I HAVE TO DO THE THINGS LISTED BY THE END OF DECEMBER. I AM FEELING A LITTLE RUSHED. WE WERE HOPING TO BE ABLE TO DO THINGS NICE AND SLOW WITH THE RE SO WE CAN GET A GOOD GRASP ON EVERYTHING SHE SAYS. I GUESS WE HAVE TO PICK UP THE PACE. ANYWAY, YESTERDAY I WENT FOR A PAP (EWW AND OUCH) AND MORE BLOOD WORK (I SWEAR SHE USED AN ICE PICK AND A BUCKET). ANYWAY, SO NOW WE WAIT FOR THE RESULTS OF THE MIS TEST, THE PAP AND CULTURES AND THE MULTITUDE OF BLOOD WORK SHE DID YESTERDAY (SHE TOOK 7 VIALS PEOPLE, AND ONE OF THE THINGS SHE IS CHECKING IS ANEMIA) AS FAR AS DONORS GO, CCB ONLY HAS 12 WHO MEET OUR BASIC CRITERIA AND OF THOSE 3 ARE OUT OFF THE BAT AND 1 DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW - SO WE HAVE 8 THAT WE HAVE TO LOOK THROUGH AND DECIDE FROM OR WE CAN TRY AND WAIT IT OUT A LITTLE LONGER TO SEE IF THE CHOICES GET BETTER. IN THE MEANTIME, I HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH ALL OF YOU AND YOURS . MUCH LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL OF YOU.

you are not alone - REALLY LONG POST

SOOOO.... HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED AT OUR FIRST RE APPT YESTERDAY. I CALLED THE DAY BEFORE TO DOUBLE CHECK MY TIME, I WAS TOLD 2 PM AND TO BE THERE HALF HOUR EARLY. DAWN MET ME IN THE CITY AND WE WALKED OVER TOGETHER. I HATE BEING LATE SO WE GOT THERE A FEW MINUTES AFTER 1PM. WE GO IN AND WE ARE TOLD TO GO TO ANOTHER FLOOR... OK, NO BIG DEAL. WE GET TO THE FLOOR WE ARE SUPPOSSED TO BE ON AND I AM TOLD THAT MY APPOINTMENT WAS FOR 2:30 NOT 2 AND THAT THE DOCTOR WILL NOT SEE ME BEFORE THEN. OK, SO WE HAVE TO WAIT ALMOST AN HOUR AND A HALF, A LITTLE UPSETTING BUT WE DECIDE TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT AND SIT AND TALK. ABOUT 2:05 THE RECEPTIONIST, WHO HAS HAD ALL MY PAPERWORK AND INSURANCE INFO, CALLS ME OVER TO ASK IF I HAVE A REFERRAL - I TELL HER THAT I CONTACTED MY INSURANCE BEFORE I EVEN MADE THE APPOINTMENT AND THEY TOLD ME THAT LIKE OB/GYN VISITS I DO NOT NEED A REFERRAL FOR CONSULT AND INITIAL EXAMS FROM AN RE... I ONLY NEED REFERRALS FOR TREATMENT. SHE LOOKS AT ME LIKE I AM CRAZY AND TELLS ME SHE WILL HAVE BILLING LOOK INTO IT BEFORE I GO IN TO THE DOCTOR. AT 2:15 THE WOMAN FROM BILLING CALLS ME OVER AND HANDS ME A PIECE OF PAPER - SHE TELLS ME THAT MY INSURANCE WILL COVER DIAGNOSIS AND CORRECTION OF INFERTILITY AS WELL AS IUIs BUT I HAVE TO CALL THEM TO REGISTER WITH THEIR INFERTILITY DEPARTMENT FIRST AND GET AN AUTHORIZATION NUMBER. WHY IN THE HELL DIDN'T MY INSURANCE TELL ME THAT 2 WEEKS AGO??? SO NOW I HAVE TO GET THROUGH TO THEM IN THE MERE 10 MINUTES I HAVE LEFT BEFORE MY APPOIINTMENT. FINE. I CALL THEM AND OF COURSE THE DUMBASS ON THE OTHER LINE CAN NOT FIND MY DOCTOR AS A PARTICIPATING PROVIDER (HELLO, I GOT HER NAME FROM THEM IN THE FIRST F-ING PLACE) SO I GET PUT ON HOLD. 5 MINUTES LATER SHE TELLS ME SHE FOUND THE NAME AND HAD TO LOOK UP MY BENEFITS, SHE REPEATS WHAT I AM COVERED FOR AND THEN TELLS ME BEFORE SHE CAN AUTHORIZE ME HAS TO ASK ME SOME QUESTIONS. OH SHIT!!!! SO SHE ASK SOME BASICS AND OF COURSE ASKS ME IF I HAVE A MALE PARTNER THAT I INTEND TO GET PREGNANT WITH. I CONVINCE MYSELF THAT WHAT I ANSWER NEXT IS THE TRUTH BECAUSE, HELL, I NEED SPERM TO GET PREGNANT, WE ARE ONLY GONNA TRY ONE DONOR SO TECHNICALLY THAT DOES MAKE HIM MY PARTNER, RIGHT??? ANYWAY, I FINALLY GET MY AUTHORIZATION NUMBER, HANG UP, LOOK AT THE CLOCK, IT IS 2:29!!! MY HEART IS POUNDING, MY HEAD FEELS LIKE IT IS GONNA EXPLODE BUT I GOT THE INFO ON TIME. WE SPEND THE NEXT 20+ MINUTES WAITING TO SEE THE DOCTOR. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY 2:30 APPOINTMENT???

ANYHOO - THE DOCTOR CALLED ME AND THEN THE WHIRLWIND REALLY BEGAN. SHE WAS FINE WITH DAWN AND I BEING A COUPLE, WE TOLD HER ABOUT OUR PLANS AS FAR AS WHAT WE ARE WILLING TO DO AND FOR HOW LONG. SHE TOLD US SHE LIKED OUR ATTITUDE AND THAT IT WAS A "VERY HEALTHY" WAY TO LOOK AT THINGS. OK, WHATEVER. SHE THEN TOOK MY MED INFO, IN DETAIL AND LAID OUT OUR OPTIONS. THEN SHE GAVE ME A PHYSICAL (OF COURSE MY WEIGHT BECAME AN ISSUE THE MINUTE I STEPPED ON A SCALE, IT AMUSES ME TO SEE PEOPLE SURPRISED AT THE ACTUAL NUMBERS AFTER SPENDING HOW LONG WITH ME?!?!) THEN THE LOVELY SPECULUM MADE AN APPEARANCE. ALL SEEMED WELL ON THE "SURFACE" - THEN OFF FOR A BLOOD TEST. THE FAMOUS MIS TEST (TO CHECK THE BLOOD FOR INFO ON OVARIAN RESERVE) MY INSURANCE DOES NOT COVER THIS BUT NOT TOO BAD BECAUSE I HAVE NO OTHER CO-PAYS SO WE PAY $75 AND HEAD TO HOOTERS TO EAT AND TALK.

HERE IS THE NITTY GRITTY: (SOME MAY DISAGREE, BUT THIS WORKS FOR US, PLEASE DON'T JUDGE)

• WE LOOOOVE OUR RE - SHE IS AMAZING - I WOULD HAVE WAITED FOREVER TO SEE HER
• WE HAVE TO WAIT TWO WEEKS (OUR FIRST TWW) FOR THE MIS RESULTS
• I HAVE TO GO IN ON MONDAY FOR A PAP AND MORE BLOOD WORK
• WHATEVER CYCLE I DECIDE TO I HAVE TO DO THE 2ND DAY E2/FSH BLOODWORK
• SAME CYCLE HSG (SHE WARNED ME THIS IS NOT FUN) B/W 5-10 DAY
• AT SOME POINT THEY WOULD LIKE US TO TAKE AN ORIENTATION CLASS BEFORE BEGINNING THE IUIs
• WE ARE PROBABLY GONNA GO WITH CCB - THEY SEEM TO BE THE MOST OFTEN USED BY OUR RE AND I HAVE HEARD FAIRLY GOOD THINGS ABOUT THEM
• OUR PLACE WILL STORE FOR $500 ANNUAL - MORE EXPENSIVE THAN AT CCB BUT THEN WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SHIPING B/C THE SWIMMERS WILL ALREADY BE WAITING FOR US
• SHE DOES NOT SUGGEST USING MORE THAN 1 VIAL PER CYCLE
• WE ARE MOST LIKELY GONNA TRY AT LEAST ONE ICI AT HOME
• WE ARE ONLY GONNA TRY IUI FOR A FEW MONTHS
• AT MOST WE WILL DO CLOMID OR AN INJECTION OF OVIDREL (AT HER SUGGESTION), BUT NO OTHER DRUGS
• IF FOR SOME REASON SHE FINDS SOMETHING THAT MAY PREVENT ME FROM GETTING PREGNANT, WE WILL NOT TAKE STEPS TO SURGICALLY CORRECT
• IF THAT IS THE CASE THEN WE WILL STAY WITH HER AND DAWN WILL GET CHECKED OUT TO SEE IF SHE IS AN OPTION
• IF NEITHER OF US IS AN OPTION OR WHOEVER IS DOESN'T GET PREGNANT WITHIN THE TIME WE AGREED TO GIVE OURSELVES, WE WILL BE VERRRRY SAD, BUT WE WILL CONTINUE TO BE GRATEFUL FOR THE BEAUTIFUL SONS WE HAVE.

WE'LL KEEP YOU GUYS POSTED!!!!

TODAY IS OUR RE APPOINTMENT - I AM SITTING AT WORK RIGHT NOW. DAWN IS GONNA MEET ME LATER AND WE ARE GOING TOGETHER. LET ME JUST SAY THAT I HAVE BEEN WALKING AROUND LIKE AN INSANE PERSON FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS AND THE A-HOLES AT WORK HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD ON MY LAST NERVE. IF THEY HAD ANY COMMON SENSE THEY WOULD JUST STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY TODAY - I AM A WOMAN ON A TOTAL INSANITY TRIP AT THIS MOMENT. GONNA KEEP IT SHORT SO I CAN JUST GET MY SHIT TOGETHER. WISH US LUCK - I WILL UPDATE TOMORROW... IF I HAVEN'T BEEN COMMITTED ;)

A RANDOM RANT FROM AN ANGRY MOM

I AM AN ANGRY MOTHER. WHY DOES LIFE TAKE A WONDERFUL KID LIKE DAVID AND GIVE HIM SOME FUCKED UP BULLSHIT DISORDER LIKE TOURETTES?!? I KNOW THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE GONNA SAY (BECAUSE THEY HAVE ACTUALLY SAID THIS TO ME) "IT COULD BE SO MUCH WORSE" "AT LEAST IT WON'T KILL HIM" "IS THAT EVEN A REAL DISORDER?" "YOU ARE LUCKY, THINK OF THE PARENTS WHOSE KIDS HAVE CANCER" REALLY?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!!! LISTEN I AM AS SORRY AS THE NEXT PERSON WHEN SOMEONE ELSE'S KID IS SICK, AND I CRY WHEN I HEAR OF LITTLE KIDS WITH CANCER AND SO ON AND SO FORTH - BUT WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK THAT SOMEHOW I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT IT ISN'T WORSE? MY SON IS MY SON AND I DON'T WANT THERE TO BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM AND UNTIL YOU HAVE SEEN THE SHIT HE GOES THROUGH WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO JUDGE ME AND TO BELITTLE WHAT HE GOES THROUGH?!?! THERE IS NO CURE, NO TREATMENT, NO PATTERN, NO FUCKING HELPFUL INFORMATION ABOUT TOURETTES. HE HAS AND HE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE IT FOR LIFE, HE MAY OR MAY NOT GET BETTER OR WORSE, HE MAY OR MAY NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE HIS LIFE WITHOUT MEDICATION FOR IT HE MAY OR MAY NOT BE ABLE TO FUNCTION NORMALLY... OH BY THE WAY WHAT THEY ARE SURE OF IS THAT HE WILL HAVE ONE OR MORE COMORBID DISORDERS ALTHOUGH THEY DO NOT KNOW WHICH ONES OR WHEN. SO EVERY DAY THAT PASSES WITHOUT INCIDENT I THANK GOD AND I BEG AND MAKE DEALS FOR A FUCKING MIRACLE CURE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? MONTHS WIL PASS AND NOTHING... HE WILL BE FINE... SAME BRILLIANT, SWEET, LOVING, FUNNY, AFFECTIONATE, ATHLETIC GIFT FROM GOD THAT HE IS.

THEN IN A BLINK OF A FUCKING EYE IT IS GONE AND THIS BASTARD DISORDER TAKES HOLD AND FIGHTS NOT TO LET GO. AT BEST IT GIVES HIM ONE FORM OR ANOTHER OF TICS... EYE BLINKING, MOUTH TWISTING, THROAT CLEARING ETC... AT WORST IT TAKES MY 5'7 132LB 12 YR OLD BABY AND TURNS HIM INTO A VIOLENT, ANGRY, UNCONTROLLABLE MAN. HE YELLS AND HITS AND HURTS HIMSELF. WE HAVE TO HOLD HIM DOWN UNTIL THESE EPISODES PASS AND THANFULLY THEY ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN (3 TIMES IN 3 YEARS) BUT THEY ARE SCARY. WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE THE MONSTER THAT IS TOURETTES LEAVES MY BABY BROKEN, SAD, DRAINED AND USUALLY BLEEDING IN A HEAP. SO WE DO WHAT WE CAN TO GET HIM BACK TOGETHER AND TRY TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE IT HAS LEFT BEHIND. THEN WHEN I AM ALONE, I CRY AND CURSE AT GOD AND ASK HIM WHY? WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE DO THAT TO MY BABY? WHY WOULD HE GIVE HIM SO MUCH TO DEAL WITH? WHY WOULDN'T HE PROTECT HIM AND KEEP HIM SAFE? THEN I THINK IT ISN'T GOD THAT DID IT TO HIM... IT IS ME...MAYBE... IT IS GENETIC - APPARENTLY IT IS SOMETHING THAT EITHER MY EX OR I PASSED TO HIM. BUT OF COURSE THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER - JUST WORSE. I MEAN THERE IS NOTHING THAT WOULD EVER MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THIS OTHER THEN FINDING A CURE OR LETTING ME TAKE IT BACK. I KNOW THIS IS AN ANGRY UGLY POST AND I KNOW NOT MANY PEOPLE READ THIS BUT I NEEDED TO EMOTIONALLY PURGE.

KEEP HIM IN YOUR THOUGHTS THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG AND BUMPY RIDE.

MICHELLE & DAWN

THE BITCH IS BACK...NOW WHEN DOES SHE LEAVE?

FINALLY... THAT LONG LOST RELATIVE, AUNT FLO SHOWED - AFTER 37 DAYS TODAY IS CD1. I WAS REALLY SICK FOR THE LAST MONTH AND THE LAST TIME I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL THEY RAN A SHITLOAD OF BLOOD TESTS - IT DID SHOW I WAS PRETTY ANEMIC SO MAYBE THAT IS WHAT CAUSED THE DELAY? WE'LL SEE...

isn't it ironic?

WTF?!?!? I AM ALWAYS "MS. REGULAR" - "MS. EVERY 28 DAYS ON THE DOT" - YOU CAN TOTALLY SET A CLOCK TO MY CYCLE... SO OF COURSE THIS MONTH WHEN I HAVE MY APPOINTMENT WITH THE RE I AM OFFICIALLY ON DAY 33?!?!? NOT A CRAMP, NOT A SPOT, NOT A TWINGE IN A BOOB... NOTHING!!! WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT SHIT? ANYWAY, I GUESS WE'LL SEE HOW LONG THAT BIOTCH AF DELAYS HER VISIT JUST TO SCREW WITH ME.

FIRST RE APPOINTMENT

OK, SO AFTER GIVING IT SOME THOUGHT, DAWN AND I DECIDED THAT I SHOULD GO VISIT WITH AN RE FOR A CONSULT. I HAVE NOTICED THAT ALOT OF YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO DO THE SAME SO I AM FOLLOWING SUIT. MY FIRST APPOINTMENT IS ON 9/17 AT Center for Women’s Reproductive Care OF COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY. I AM VERY EXCITED BUT VERY SCARED TOO. I KNOW I HAVE DAVID AND FOR THE MOST PART I HAD A REALLY GOOD PREGNANCY/DELIVERY WITH HIM BUT I DID HAVE SOME "ISSUES" BEFORE AND AFTER HIM... SO EVEN IF WE DECIDE TO TRY AT HOME ICIs ONLY, AT LEAST I CAN PUT MY MIND AT EASE THAT THOSE ISSUES HAVE NOT LEFT ANY PERMANENT DAMAGE IF I GET THE ALL CLEAR FROM AN RE. THAT BEING SAID - WE HAVE RECENTLY BEGUN DISCUSSING FOREGOING AT HOME TRIES AND JUST DOING IN OFFICE IUIs - RIGHT NOW IT LOOKS LIKE WE MAY TRY AT HOME ONCE AND THEN IF NEED BE IN OFFICE IUIs.

THE CWRC SEEMS TO BE VERY GLBT FRIENDLY & EXPERIENCED (we'll see how much so after my consult), THEY TAKE MY INSURANCE (my insurance does cover IUI, meds, diagnostic testing etc...), THEY GAVE ME AN ALMOST IMMEDIATE APPOINTMENT (which is impossible to get form a specialist), THEY ANSWERED MY E-MAIL INQUIRY WITHIN 24HRS (it was an anonymous question about their experiences with families like ours)AND SENT ME A WELCOME/INFO PACKET WHICH I RECEIVED WITHIN 2 DAYS OF CALLING THEM (alot of paperwork that I am not certain I filledout right). I AM FEELING VERY POSITIVE ABOUT MY VISIT WITH THEM. ON THE DOWN SIDE NEW PATIENT CONSULTS ARE ONLY DURING THE DAY AND DAWN WON'T BE ABLE TO MAKE IT - SO I WILL BE FLYING SOLO ON THIS - BUT EVERY APPT AFTER CAN BE MADE FOR LATER IN THE DAY WHEN SHE CAN MAKE IT SO... GLASS HALF FULL.

****UPDATE - I RESCHEDULED MY APPOINTMENT FOR 9/30 WHEN DAWN IS OFF FROM WORK AND CAN COME WITH ME -THIS MAKES ME VERRRRY HAPPY AND LESS SCARED.

A new nephew for Dawn and I

Meet our new nephew Kyle Joseph, he was born on 8/30/08 at 3:32 pm and weighed a whopping 8.7 and was 21 inch long. He is a big boy and he is ADORABLE.

So now Dawn's parents have 4 grandsons. We have alot of pix but this one has all of them looking cute so here are... David (almost 13) Ethan (15 mths) Ryan (almost 12) and Kyle (2 hrs old)

an alternoute route?

Birthday Wishes to... me

(CUE MUSIC...) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME... OK, YOU GET THE IDEA. I AM 32 TODAY AND LET ME JUST SAY THAT IT ALL FEELS THE SAME AFTER 30. HOPEFULLY BY MY 33RD WE WILL BE PREGNANT AND BUYING A HOUSE. HERE IS TO HAVING THE BEST LAID PLANS ACTUALLY WORK OUT.

I got the Qs... can you help with some As?

OK, SO WE RECENTLY NARROWED DOWN OUR CHOICES TO A TOTAL OF 4 - THEY ARE NOT ALL FROM THE SAME PLACE - THERE ARE 3 PLACES.

SO QUESTION 1 IS DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY PLACES THAT YOU SUGGEST WE STAY AWAY FROM?

OUR #1 PICK, WHO ON PAPER SEEMS ALMOST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE MAY HAVE TO BE TAKEN OFF THE LIST COMPLETELY B/C IT TURNS OUT THAT HIS PLACE MAY NOT ACTUALLY SHIP TO NY. SO WE ARE WAITING TO HEAR FROM THE PLACE.

SO QUESTION 2 IS... HOW WERE YOUR SHIPPING EXPERIENCES? ANY NIGHTMARES? ANYTHING I SHOULD ASK THAT COULD MAKE OR BREAK THE DEAL?

OUR 2ND CHOICE WHO MAY BE MOVING TO THE #1 SPOT IS NOT WITHOUT PROBLEMS EITHER. ALL HE HAS AVAILABLE ARE IUI SAMPLES. BUT HE SEEMS MORE LIKE US, AND HIS BABY PIC COULD EASILY BE PUT RIGHT NEXT TO DAWN'S AND THEY COULD PASS FOR SIBLINGS.

SO QUESTION 3 IS... CAN YOU USE AN IUI SPECIMEN FOR AN AT HOME ICI ? WHAT ARE THE PROS AND CONS OF TRYING THAT?

WE HAVEN'T REALLY LOOKED INTO THE LAST 2 BECAUSE WE ARE REALLY ATTACHED TO THE FIRST 2. WE ALSO REALLY WANTED TO TRY TO DO THIS AT HOME INSTEAD OF AT A DOCTORS OFFICE BUT WE HAVE A LIMIT AS TO HOW MANY TIMES WE WILL TRY AND (BECAUSE OF A FEW CIRCUMSTANCES) WE WILL ONLY HAVE A WINDOW OF A FEW MONTHS DURING WHICH TO TRY.

SO QUESTION 4 IS HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE ONLY TRIED BUT HAVE BEEN SUCCESSFUL AT HOME? HOW MANY HAVE TRIED BOTH AT HOME AND DOCTOR BUT HAVE ONLY BEEN SUCCESSFUL AT DOCTOR?

A FEW PEOPLE HAVE SUGGESTED THAT WE DOUBLE UP SAMPLES TO INCREASE THE NUMBERS AND OUR CHANCES -

SO QUESTION 5 IS DID ANY OF YOU HEAR THE SAME THING? DID ANY OF YOU TRY IT AND FIND SUCCESS?

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST... ANY ADVICE AT ALL THAT YOU CAN GIVE ABOUT THINGS THAT WE SHOULD LOOK FOR OR ASK ABOUT WHEN DEALING WITH A SPERM BANK WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU EVEN READ THIS - I KNOW I READ ALOT MORE BLOGS THEN I COMMENT ON - BUT ANY HELP WOULD BE HELPFUL.

SO MY LAST QUESTION IS MORE A POLITE REQUEST... CAN YOU SHARE SOME OF YOUR EXPERIENCES WITH US?

THANK YOU ALL FOR EVEN STOPPING BY AND READING THIS - IT IS NICE TO KNOW FROM OUR VISITS TO ALL OF YOUR BLOGS THAT MAYBE WE DO NOT HAVE THE SAME STORY AS YOU ALL BUT THERE IS A PIECE OF US THAT WE CAN RECOGNIZE IN ALL OF YOU AND THAT TAKES AWAY SOME OF THE FEAR AND DOUBTS. ALL OF YOUR STRENGTH AND DETERMINATION AND LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER IS UPLIFTING AND SO IMPORTANT TO US. SO WHILE WE MAY NOT COMMENT MUCH AND DO NOT HAVE THE FRIENDSHIPS THAT SOME OF YOU HAVE CREATED... WE JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU... THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SUCH AMAZING PEOPLE... THANK YOU FOR FIGHTING FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN... FOR BELIEVING IN YOURSELVES AND EACHOTHER... AND FOR SHARING YOURSELVES . ALL OF OUR GOOD THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU ALL NO MATTER WHERE IN YOUR JOURNEY YOU ARE. WE ARE RIGHT BESIDE YOU IN SPIRIT.

update

FIRST THING FIRST... The Piglet is ok. The doctors gave him the all clear and said the bigger the head the bigger the brain in his case. I hate it when doctors try to be funny.

As for all of us, we are back from our trip and for the most part it all went well. We had a good time but it was wierd in a way when we were in Disney. the last time we were there the boys were so little and now ... well u can see from the picture they are not little anymore. Dawn and I were exhausted by the time we came home. Definitely not as relaxing as an r family cruise would have been. Maybe next Summer right before we ttc. Well, I am back to work and buried up to the eyeballs with work so I am gonna keep this short.

Mixed Emotions

June 25, 2008 was our 4th wedding anniversary,... yay us!! We have come along way since we got married and it hasn't been easy but it has been soooo worth it. I count myself very lucky to have found someone who gets me as much as she does - and even when she doesn't she loves me anyway.

We have both been a feeling a little "stuck" lately with the whole "gonna ttc" thing so we decided that even though we aren't gonna actually do the actual trying until next Spring/Summer we are gonna pick a donor and buy and store the goods. We are really specific about what we are looking for - basically someone as physically close to Dawn as possible and who shares interests with her and the boys - tall order I am sure but we have found a couple of dudes who actually fit the bill. So I think August we will do a little shop and store. So at least we are ready when able (God knows we are willing)

Anyway, we are going on vacation to Florida very soon and I am totally unprepared. My parents have a summer house down there and we are gonna stay a few days with them at the beginning and a few at the end of our trip, but David went a week ahead. My dad drove down last week, David and my mom flew out yesterday and then Dawn, Ryan and I are following on July 5th. This is the first time David has been away from home for more then a weekend and NEVER out of state without me. Not to mention he and my mom flew without me so I couldn't even talk to him till he landed to see if he was ok. I am sure I am more of a wreck then he is but what can I say, I worry about him. He was doing really well with the Tourettes - it almost seemed to be in "remission" but it is back in full force the last couple of weeks and frankly, I am scared that he may have a really bad time and I won't be there to help. It is the little things that seem to set him off lately - I think puberty is kicking his ass - he goes from acting like a 40 yr old to curling up into a teary eyed 4 yr old. There is not much more I can do for him then I am - doctors, vitamins, patience, love, structure etc... but it kills me that there is nothing that I can do to make it go away - I suffer for him but I would suffer ten thousand fold if it would take it away - I feel helpless - I have to admit, a part of me is scared to pass it on to another baby - even though there is no way to know who he got it from- I am sure there is a good chance on either side and who knows as far as the donor goes - but I am just sick to death over it - I go back and forth in my head but you know, in the end it comes down to I wouldn't take back having David knowing that he has Tourettes so why would I take back wanting to have a baby who even though not made yet is already alive in our minds and hearts.

**** I wrote all of that last Thursday and then edited it today to add what happened Friday and since then****

On Friday my sister took the piglet to his 16 mth Doc appt and called me immediately after hysterical - You see, since he was born there has been some concern about the size of his head - ok, it is a little big, but we all have big heads and my uncles have HUGE heads, so no big concern on our part - but anyway, even though it has been on the higher end of the growth curve it is supposed to be on it has only been a minor concern until now - apparently it jumped off the curve by 2.4 points - so they want my sister to have him have CT scans and MRIs and see a pediatric neurosurgeon - That in itself is horrible and makes me cry even as I sit here to type out the words - I immediately wanted to cancel our trip to which my fiercely pigheaded and stubborn sister said no - she also decided with the urging of my father (which I am torn about) to not tell my mother - my mom has been through ALOT lately and is not well so she feels that until we know more we should not tell her - Fine. It is her decision. So now we wait to see because (thankfully) it was not an emergency situation per the doctors so she has to wait for the referral to go through (her own shitty version of the tww) Now as it stands my parents are both gone and I am leaving Saturday so I hope that I am here for her - none of us will be back until July 16th so I will be sick to death worried about him all the while keeping it from my mom and trying to keep up appearances for the kids - (sorry for the ramble but it just isn't all coming out the way I am thinking it) - This kid is perfectly on track with all his milestones, if not ahead - he is walking and talking and all that good stuff - his face is not misshapen and he hasn't been ill beyond the normal kid stuff - nothing that suggests anything wrong - My poor baby sis is going through some shit right now and I feel helpless to help her or the baby - I am sick with nightmares over this and I feel like I am abandoning her - I have to hear her say she can't live without him and all I want to do is scream and cry, not have to hold it in and tell her everything will be alright when I have no idea whether or not it is the truth - I can't imagine my life without him either but if I close my eyes and search real deep, I know in my heart he is fine - he is just stuck with our big head -but that is not good enough I want her to hear he is fine from that bitch doctor who has no idea how to be sensitive or understanding and has the personality of wet cheese and I want her to say to me that he is fine and I want to get rid of this sick gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.

She had a really rough pregnancy and at one point I even made a deal with God that if He would just let her have a healthy baby I would understand if he never let me have another one, after all, maybe I am selfish for having a 2 children in my family and wanting another one so bad when so many struggle to have just 1 - and so last night I said "That offer still stands God, no take backs, I will still try for Dylan and you can throw whatever you have to at me, just let my sis and the piglet be just fine"

... and now I feel guilty because I know that even saying that out loud sounds sooo bad and is sooo unfair to so many people besides myself, but how many of us find ourselves bargaining with God when we need help? so I am just gonna say this, I have faith that the piglet will be just fine, we all will, and in a few years the piglet and Dylan will be here together running around getting into trouble together - they will be the closest cousins and best friends forever- because I believe that is really what is meant to be. So it sounds a little like a prayer, sue me.

an open letter to my beautiful wife

Dear Dawn,

I just wanted to tell you how very much I love you. It is funny how for two people who so badly want to have a child together, it took a weekend without the two we have already to find ourselves again. I guess because we are always so busy making sure our kids are taken care of that we forget to take care of ourselves and eachother. You know I am a huge baby when it comes to David being gone but this weekend I was able to put that aside and remember what it is to be a couple rather than just a couple of moms. We have never been a couple without children and so our "honeymoon period" burned hot but fast, it was over almost as quickly as it started and we just jumped right into comfortable. It was nice to just spend some time just being Dawn and Michelle. I know that we will be just fine. I know that I love you more each passing day. I know that even though we have had our tough times (and will continue to do so, like everyone else)we are strong enough to weather the storms and catch the rainbow. We are raising some wonderful boys who they themselves will grow up to be wonderful men and I just want you to know that no matter what I could not have done the job with David myself and I can't imagine my life without Ryan. Whether it all works out or not with trying to get pregnant - we are a complete family already - you me and OUR boys. I love you for everything you are, the good, the bad and the ugly, just like you love me. LOL. I appreciate you for everything you do for me and our kids and for your friendship which has been essential in keeping my sanity. Or at least something that sometimes resembles sanity. I love you my Dawnie - Always and Forever and the day after that.

XOXOX

MICHELLE

Alot learned and alot remembered

So... we survived (thanks for asking, Kim) For the most part things went very well. Sadly, my nephew suffers from night terrors, they usually only last 10-20 minutes, but after a long day of fun, settling down in an unfamiliar place for the night proved to be hard. The first night was realllllly rough for all of us. He cried hysterically for almost two hours straight. There was nothing Dawn or I could do or say to console him. He sleeps in the bed with my sister at home, and his favorite nap spot is on a pile of pillows in front of the (purely for decoration) fireplace. I went to our living room, made a mock nap spot and layed with him. NOTHING. Dawn tried to help but her voice, being completely from my sisters and mine seemed to almost make it worse, coupled with the fact that the next morning we were on an early drive to PA - I told her to go to bed since she had to be rested to drive. So it was just me and the piglet. Anybody who knows about night terrors knows that for the most part the child is usually asleep while they occur, even if their eyes are open, you are not suppossed to wake them and there is not much you can do except ride it out. So we did - he and I both cried and cuddled and clung to eachother until the worst was over. Funny enough, this is not the first time I have dealt with night terrors, David had them from the ages of 2-5 and he still sleep walks sometimes. My dad also suffered from them and sleepwalking when he was a child. Apparently, this is hereditary. The piglet seems to have gotten them full blast early on - hopefully he will outgrow them.

So... knowing that nights were gonna stress him so bad my dad and I worked out a system after that first night (Saturday) I kept him all day Sunday till 10pm, then he came and got him and took him to my sister's house where he would at least be somewhere familiar, I stayed home from work Monday and kept him from noon till 10pm when my dad took him again and Tuesday I took him from 5pm when I got home from work until my sis got home @ 8 pm. It seemed to work. He had a few episodes at his house but they were ALOT shorter and less traumatizing then the one he had at my house. There was so much I had forgotten about dealing with a baby - I had my moments of tears and asking Dawn how we can possibly do this all over again?!? but we made it through it and when it was over, we missed him terribly and our home didn't feel the same without him. By the end of Tuesday I came to the conclusion that I think we'll be ok.

This Friday - Sunday we went to family camp for the fourth year in a row. It is held in Newton, New Jersey at the Fairview Lake YMCA campground. It is amazing, the people are fantastic and we always have great fun. Ryan hit a bullseye at archery for the first time and David got training so he can run some activities on his own next year. He can't wait to be old enough to apply as a counselor. At 16 he can take a course and at 17 he can work. All in all the last week or so went very well.

AND THEN... The weekend hit a rough patch yesterday. Dawn and I had a really bad fight. As usual it involved the kids and our differences in parenting. I said some things I really started to regret as the worda came out of my mouth and I hope we can get past them. It seems like everytime we take two steps forward we take a huge one back. There are so many things we disagree on when it comes to the kids, I hope that we agree on enough of them to not fuck this all up. I love her with all of my heart and I want this all to work, but I always feel torn between her and David. I don't know how to get past that. I don't think it should ever come down to choosing between your child and your partner, but I can honestly say that most times it feels like that is exactly what they want me to do. Maybe it isn't, maybe it's just me, maybe I have my own issues I need to work out before I can expect anyone else to work on theirs, but I don't think either one of them wants to admit their part in the problem. I feel broken inside.

The make it or break it weekend

So the piglet is gonna be with us for four days starting Saturday. My sister jokes that the next four days will either seal or break the deal when it comes to wanting to have another baby. See that smile on his face? That is the smile of a kid who is up to no damn good. LOL. Actually, he is a great kid, funny and loving but he does have a temper and he is used to getting away with murder with his mommy. So it should be an interesting few days. His mom and dad never got a honeymoon so they are going to the Dominican Repupblic from Saturday to Tuesday. My poor sister has been crying non-stop since she booked the trip. She has been so sad but I think she needs the break. Her husband works 1 full and 2 part time jobs so she can stay home with the baby and as great as that is, it basically means she has no help at home from him even when he's there. I have been a stay at home mom and a working mom, and in my opinion, even though it is the best feeling in the world to get to be with your baby every minute of the day, it is alot harder physically and emotionally sometimes to stay at home. Luckily, my parents and I visit regularly and help as much as we can, but for a young, newlywed mom, there is nothing like having your partner with you. So she has been running ragged and kind of depressed. I think the trip will giver her and her hubby some time to reconnect and remember what it is like to be a couple as well as a family. I hope she has fun. I am looking forward to spending time with the piglet although I am a little concerned because my sis and I have very different parenting styles and I am worried the differences will stress/piss the piglet off. I am pretty confident we will be ok though. (I hope). On Saturday, per my sis, we are taking the piglet to get a haircut and then Dawn and I are gonna take him to Manhattan to a street fair. On Sunday, Dawn, myself, David, Ryan and the piglet will be heading to Pennsylvania to see Dawn's nephew,Ethan, for his first birthday. It will be fun to see them interact. Then, since we both have work Monday and Tuesday, my parents will watch him while we are at work and then we will take him back - funny how they got out of watching him at night, huh? We bought our own car seat and baby gate and are gonna tighten up the house and piglet proof it as much as possible.

All this planning for a few days of babysitting has gotten me thinking alot about having Dylan. I was basically home with David or took him to work with me until he was almost 4 yrs old. Dawn was in the same situation with Ry until he was 3. Both Dawn and I would always choose to stay home if we could but I know this time around we are not going to be able to do that. So we are gonna try and plan to have Dylan close enough to Summer so I can take my 6 wks at the same time as Dawn takes hers , then I can take another 2 by myself, with her not far away, she works across the street from our house and then when I go back to work she'll be home for the Summer. But that leaves us in a situation that scares the hell out of me... finding childcare for a baby under 5 months. I don't even know where to begin to try and get my mind around the idea. I know I am getting way ahead of myself in worrying since right now as far as we've gone in this ttc process is to narrow down our donor choices ( I think we are gonna purchase now and store for later since we are looking for very specific donor qualities that we may not find later) This whole plan, by the way, gives us a tiny window of opportunity to even ttc because we need to get the timing right for it to work. HOLY SHIT!!! I just stresses myself out.

So back to my point... the next few days will put us to the test at dealing with a baby together for more than a night. I know that sometimes we both worry about how it will work for us when we try to do this toghether. I know sometimes we are both scared about whether or not it will bring us even closer together as a family or tear us apart as a couple. Even if we don't say it aloud, I know the concerns are there. With one failed marriage behind us each, sometimes I worry if the end will justify the means. All the time I know that sometimes the very things we want the most are the things that are the hardest to hold onto once we have them.

Well, I am just a freaking ray of sunshine aren't I? Hope you all have a great weekend and that you are all less burdened by these maddening "what ifs" than I am.

much luv and success to all

Michelle

Taking it all off

...the weight that is...

I have never been a skinny Minnie except when I was like 14 yrs old and anorexic. (but that is a whole other thing and I would never want to be there again) but this is nuts. I am the heaviest I have ever been including when I was pregnant with David who was a fairly big baby measuring in at 8lbs 5oz, 20 1/2 inch long at 42 1/2 weeks. I gained over 60lbs with him just between the 5th month and delivery. Since then I have struggled with losing weight (although about 6 yrs ago I lost over 40) - It is a vicious cycle - For the most part I never look my weight so I just keep going but for the first time I looked in the mirror and saw every ounce looking back at me. Something has got to give.

So today is the first day of my diet. Dawn is gonna diet right along with me although she will be done ALOT sooner than I. She only has like 15 maybe 20lbs to lose. I won't tell you how much I need to lose because I don't even believe it when I hear it myself but let's just say I expect I am in this or the long haul and I am looking at at least a year before I am at least most of the way there. That's ok. I just want to lose as much as I can so that I am at a safer weight for next Summer when we try insemination for the first time. My health isn't bad but my weight is and there are a few issues that should be addressed before I try and carry a baby. Not to mention, I feel like shit lately. I am very depressed about how big I have gotten and disgusted with myslef for taking so long to address it. So I am gonna take it all off and then be able to put some back on a few months later when we get pregnant, safely and in a healthy way.

I am thinking positive thoughts all the way through to the end. In the meantime we will try to be patient and know that every pound I lose is one baby step forward.

Nephewisms

This is Dirk. This is Dirk in his toy box. What you don't see is the entire room covered in toys after Dirk climbed in the box and pulled all the toys out. The face is because his mom just caught him. What you don't hear is me laughing my butt off as I see this pic for the first time.

This is Ethan. Ethan was just screaming his head off because he is tired but doesn't want to go to bed... can you blame him... he is now firmly in the grip of his Aunt Dawn. Ethan lives in Pennsylvania and we hardly ever get to see him so Dawn believes he should never sleep when we are around. I am sure his parents were thrilled when we left because even though they love us and would love to see us more often, we totally screw up his schedule when we are around. What are Aunts for ?? He is the cutest lil' thumbsucker I have ever seen.

So, as you well know, Dirk likes to sit in things. This was his Easter basket it is now his personal butt basket. Never mind that he has a brand new, very expensive, very cushy recliner that his mommy and daddy bought him for his birthday (that he stands on) his butt prefers the comfort of the wicker basket.

Baby Recliner $100
Wicker basket $13
Cost of seeing the look on my sister's face when she realizes she should have listened to me and held off on the expensive recliner she bought for the baby's 1st birthday... PRICELESS

a pic is worth a thousand words...or one...LOVE

Just wanted to share this pic of our nephew, Dirk (my sis' baby) who just turned 1 and his dog. This is one of the reasons I can't wait to have another baby.

Bitter? Table for 1?

Babies, Babies and more Babies...... they are everywhere. Dawn has like 3 or 4 teachers at her job that are expecting and her sis in law (the one that tried for @5 years and finally had a baby last May through in-vitro) is expecting again in August, did I mention her son won't be 1 yr old till May (and this time no help needed, she wasn't even trying!!!) I am really trying to be happy for everyone, and I am, but there is this little layer of jealousy that just mixes in with the happiness and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I don't know what is going on with me. Usually I am the one to turn to Dawn and be like "baby, be nice, be happy for them, we'll have our turn" Well, excuse me for the next few words but... Screw that shit... I am tired of all the smiles and comforting words we have to give out and I am done with baby showers and shopping for other people's babies. Now wait a minute... I know what some of you are gonna say... so if (I) we feel this way why don't we get off our asses and start the process already. The answer is because just because (I) we feel this way does not make me feel any better about the timing.

There are still a few things we have yet to work out - mainly my weight - I REALLLLLY have to lose weight and alot of it. Dawn is always telling me how beautiful I am and how much she loves me and she wants to support me in whatever I want to do etc etc etc but she is I have done a million and 1 diets and they have all worked for a little while but then the weight comes flying back on. I was never skinny (except for a torrid affair with anorexia from the ages of 12 - 14) but I was soooo much smaller when I had David. I am scared to even try to get pregnant at this size. (If we played guess my weight, you could never guess) But to be honest, it is a vicious cycle, the more depressed I get about my weight, the more weight I put on, I have tried little things but none work, I have even considered the Lap Band but when I mentioned it to my doctor, she made it quite clear she would not sign off on it. So a week from today I will throw myself back into the land of dieters and try my damndest to get myself into better shape. I hope that maybe if I feel better physically, mentally will follow and if not then at least I will be a thinner, healthier crazy person. LOL.

Forget baby steps, we're at a sloooooooow crawl

So just a quick "hello" and update for everyone. While we continue to oooh and ahhh over every single cute baby or baby thing we see, we are still firm on our decision to put things off for awhile. Not forever, just awhile. We just moved it by a year, from this upcoming Summer to next. I think we just need this time to iron out a few details and get our heads together. Like I have always said, we, like our boys, are complete polar opposites. So, we are gonna use this time to remember and bask in all of the things we have in common and work on compromises regarding all baby/child related things that we are on opposite sides of the fence on. Ok, maybe not all, but as many as we can, so that when others come up we can have the tools we need to work through them together.

On March 14 we will be celebrating 9 years together and there is no one I would rather have spent those years with then my beautiful wife and our beautiful and amazing boys. It seems like watching all of you go through your ttc experiences has only brought us closer to the beginning of our journey. That sounds strange I know, escpecilly since we are delayed, but it does makes sense. I think that when we finally were both on the same page about wanting a baby together, we just jumped really quickly. We talked about having a baby but we never really talk talked about our feelings or fears about having a baby together, as two women, raising two boys together but seperately. We each have our strengths and our weaknesses and our very strong but mostly different opinions about our parenting styles. What I mean to say is while we are raising them together, because they were already 2 and 3 and each of us already had one marriage behind us when we got together we already were quite set in our ways and for the most part have continued to be so. It is only now that they are 11 and 12 and we are planning another that we are really aware of this. While I think for the most part we are gonna remain slightly "united but divided" on the boys, I am optomistic we will be able to raise a new baby as a united front if we use this time wisely.

I know a lot of people have said to just do it and things will work themselves out... I just think that we have to work things out and then do it. For all our sakes. Following your stories, your joys, your sorrows, your most intimate of thoughts and fears has made it easier for us to face ours and to so so together. Knowing we are not alone, seeing a bit of each of you in ourselves, has given us the strength to come together and talk, yell or cry it out until it was all out on the table with nothing left to do but deal with it.

So I thank you all and wish you all love and happiness and lots of dreams come true. In the meantime, we will continue to try and be patient... with both of us holding on a little too long when we are with our nephews, misting up at the sight of our pregnant family members, fighting (almost) every urge to buy baby things and counting the days till we both feel ready (or at least as ready as we'll ever be).