Mixed Emotions

June 25, 2008 was our 4th wedding anniversary,... yay us!! We have come along way since we got married and it hasn't been easy but it has been soooo worth it. I count myself very lucky to have found someone who gets me as much as she does - and even when she doesn't she loves me anyway.

We have both been a feeling a little "stuck" lately with the whole "gonna ttc" thing so we decided that even though we aren't gonna actually do the actual trying until next Spring/Summer we are gonna pick a donor and buy and store the goods. We are really specific about what we are looking for - basically someone as physically close to Dawn as possible and who shares interests with her and the boys - tall order I am sure but we have found a couple of dudes who actually fit the bill. So I think August we will do a little shop and store. So at least we are ready when able (God knows we are willing)

Anyway, we are going on vacation to Florida very soon and I am totally unprepared. My parents have a summer house down there and we are gonna stay a few days with them at the beginning and a few at the end of our trip, but David went a week ahead. My dad drove down last week, David and my mom flew out yesterday and then Dawn, Ryan and I are following on July 5th. This is the first time David has been away from home for more then a weekend and NEVER out of state without me. Not to mention he and my mom flew without me so I couldn't even talk to him till he landed to see if he was ok. I am sure I am more of a wreck then he is but what can I say, I worry about him. He was doing really well with the Tourettes - it almost seemed to be in "remission" but it is back in full force the last couple of weeks and frankly, I am scared that he may have a really bad time and I won't be there to help. It is the little things that seem to set him off lately - I think puberty is kicking his ass - he goes from acting like a 40 yr old to curling up into a teary eyed 4 yr old. There is not much more I can do for him then I am - doctors, vitamins, patience, love, structure etc... but it kills me that there is nothing that I can do to make it go away - I suffer for him but I would suffer ten thousand fold if it would take it away - I feel helpless - I have to admit, a part of me is scared to pass it on to another baby - even though there is no way to know who he got it from- I am sure there is a good chance on either side and who knows as far as the donor goes - but I am just sick to death over it - I go back and forth in my head but you know, in the end it comes down to I wouldn't take back having David knowing that he has Tourettes so why would I take back wanting to have a baby who even though not made yet is already alive in our minds and hearts.

**** I wrote all of that last Thursday and then edited it today to add what happened Friday and since then****

On Friday my sister took the piglet to his 16 mth Doc appt and called me immediately after hysterical - You see, since he was born there has been some concern about the size of his head - ok, it is a little big, but we all have big heads and my uncles have HUGE heads, so no big concern on our part - but anyway, even though it has been on the higher end of the growth curve it is supposed to be on it has only been a minor concern until now - apparently it jumped off the curve by 2.4 points - so they want my sister to have him have CT scans and MRIs and see a pediatric neurosurgeon - That in itself is horrible and makes me cry even as I sit here to type out the words - I immediately wanted to cancel our trip to which my fiercely pigheaded and stubborn sister said no - she also decided with the urging of my father (which I am torn about) to not tell my mother - my mom has been through ALOT lately and is not well so she feels that until we know more we should not tell her - Fine. It is her decision. So now we wait to see because (thankfully) it was not an emergency situation per the doctors so she has to wait for the referral to go through (her own shitty version of the tww) Now as it stands my parents are both gone and I am leaving Saturday so I hope that I am here for her - none of us will be back until July 16th so I will be sick to death worried about him all the while keeping it from my mom and trying to keep up appearances for the kids - (sorry for the ramble but it just isn't all coming out the way I am thinking it) - This kid is perfectly on track with all his milestones, if not ahead - he is walking and talking and all that good stuff - his face is not misshapen and he hasn't been ill beyond the normal kid stuff - nothing that suggests anything wrong - My poor baby sis is going through some shit right now and I feel helpless to help her or the baby - I am sick with nightmares over this and I feel like I am abandoning her - I have to hear her say she can't live without him and all I want to do is scream and cry, not have to hold it in and tell her everything will be alright when I have no idea whether or not it is the truth - I can't imagine my life without him either but if I close my eyes and search real deep, I know in my heart he is fine - he is just stuck with our big head -but that is not good enough I want her to hear he is fine from that bitch doctor who has no idea how to be sensitive or understanding and has the personality of wet cheese and I want her to say to me that he is fine and I want to get rid of this sick gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.

She had a really rough pregnancy and at one point I even made a deal with God that if He would just let her have a healthy baby I would understand if he never let me have another one, after all, maybe I am selfish for having a 2 children in my family and wanting another one so bad when so many struggle to have just 1 - and so last night I said "That offer still stands God, no take backs, I will still try for Dylan and you can throw whatever you have to at me, just let my sis and the piglet be just fine"

... and now I feel guilty because I know that even saying that out loud sounds sooo bad and is sooo unfair to so many people besides myself, but how many of us find ourselves bargaining with God when we need help? so I am just gonna say this, I have faith that the piglet will be just fine, we all will, and in a few years the piglet and Dylan will be here together running around getting into trouble together - they will be the closest cousins and best friends forever- because I believe that is really what is meant to be. So it sounds a little like a prayer, sue me.