2009 ...

AND NOW I AM MOVING FORWARD AND LOOKING FORWARD TO A GREAT 2010. THERE WERE SOME REALLY GOOD MOMENTS BUT IT SEEMED LIKE THEY WERE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN. NOW I AM HOPING THAT THINGS MOVE MORE SMOOTHLY THIS NEW YEAR. THERE IS A LOT ALREADY IN PLACE TO HAPPENING SO IF IT ALL GOES AS PLANNED (I BELIEVE IT WILL I BELIEVE IT WILL ETC...) THEN IT WILL BE AN EXCITING YEAR. I SHOULD BE TYING UP SOME FINANCIAL LOOSE ENDS AND CLEANING UP OUR DEBT, WE ARE LOOKING FOR A HOUSE, WE WILL TRY AGAIN (AND AGAIN AND AGAIN IF NEEDED TO GET ME PREGNANT) I AM GONNA BE OPTIMISTIC AND SAY IT WILL WORK THE VERY NEXT TIME, WE ARE GONNA TAKE A BIG TROPICAL FAMILY VACATION AND MAYBE A FEW ROMANTIC COUPLE ONES, OUR BABIES ARE GONNA BE GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL IN SEPTEMBER...SO MUCH IN PLACE TO HAPPEN. ALL GOOD.

SO 2010, LISTEN UP, YOU ARE GONNA BE A BUSY BUT PRODUCTIVE YEAR, YOU ARE GONNA COOPERATE AND NOT GIVE ME ANY SHIT, YOU ARE GONNA PUT 2009 TO SHAME AND GIVE 2011 A RUN FOR ITS MONEY ON BEST YEAR EVER!! YOU HEAR ME, 2010, TOGETHER WE CAN DO THIS!!! THANK YOU.

SHUFFLING THE CARDS IN THE HAND WE'RE DEALT

SO LOTS AND LOTS OF STUFF GOING ON, SOME IN MY CONTROL, MOST NOT. MY SISTER BOUGHT A HOUSE IN AND MOVED TO NEW JERSEY YESTERDAY WITH HER FAMILY. I AM HEART BROKEN. MY NEPHEW IS NOW AN HOUR AND A HALF AWAY AND MY SISTER WHO'S HEALTH IS TOUCH AND GO ALL THE TIME IS TOO FAR FROM US ALL IN CASE OF EMERGENCY. I CAN NOT EXPLAIN HOW SAD I AM. I HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT FOR THEM BUT I WISH THEY WOULD HAVE STAYED. I HAVE A BAD FEELING. MY MOTHER HAS TAKEN MY SISTER'S MOVE AS HER CUE TO LEAVE MY DAD AND MOVE TO THEIR HOUSE IN FLORIDA. LEAVING HIM BEHIND HERE. THIS WAS A LONG TIME COMING AND IS NOT A SURPRISE BUT I CAN NOT DESCRIBE HOW SAD THAT MAKES ME AS WELL. DON'T KNOW HOW LONG MY DAD CAN HANG ON TO THE APARTMENT WITHOUT HER HELP. SO WE CONTINUE TO LOOK FOR A HOUSE AND HOPE TO FIND ONE WITH A NICE BASEMENT APARTMENT FOR MY DAD.

ON THE BABY FRONT. I HAVE DECIDED AND DAWN AGREES THAT WE ARE GONNA WAIT A BUT LONGER FOR TRY #2. MY WEIGHT IS OUT OF CONTROL RIGHT NOW AND HONESTLY, EVEN IF I DID GET PREGNANT THE CHANCE OF HAVING A HAPPY OR HEALTHY PREGNANCY AT THIS WEIGHT IS SLIM TO NONE. SO COME JANUARY INSTEAD OF TRYING TO GET PREGNANT I AM GONNA START TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT. I AM CONFIDENT THAT THIS TIME I CAN DO IT AND KEEP IT OFF. SO WE ARE GONNA GO BACK TO OUR ORIGINAL INTENDED MONTH OF CONCEPTION AND TRY AGAIN IN JULY AFTER VACATION. HOPEFULLY BY THEN THE WEIGHT WILL BE OFF AND WE WILL EITHER BE IN OR GETTING READY TO BE IN OUR OWN HOUSE AND THE BOYS WILL BE GETTING READY TO START HIGH SCHOOL. SO I THINK THIS PLAN PUTS ALL OUR DUCKS IN A NICE ROW. LETS SEE IF IT STAYS THAT WAY.

we are swearing off swine...flu

YOU GUESSED IT...SWINE FLU INVADED OUR HOME FOR THANKSGIVING. IT HIT BOTH OUR BOYS AND AT LEAST HAS BEEN KIND ENOUGH TO PICK UP THE PACE AND MOVE QUICKLY OUT OF OUR HOME. THE BOYS WERE FEELING CRAPPY WEDNESDAY NIGHT BUT LOOKED AND SOUNDED LIKE A COLD. THURSDAY MORNING WOKE UP LOW GRADE FEVERS FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND COUGHS. AFTER DISCUSSING THE SITUATION WITH OUR RESPECTIVE FAMILIES WE WERE CONVINCED BY THEM TO CONTINUE WITH OUR PLANS, COOK OUR FOOD, PACK UP KIDS AND COME ON OVER. AFTER A NIGHT FULL OF FEVERS AND QUICKLY WORSENING FEVERS VERY NEXT DAY BOTH BOYS WENT TO THEIR DOCTOR. DAVID WAS POSITIVE FOR SWINE FLU AND GIVEN TAMIFLU BUT RYAN WAS NEGATIVE AND GIVEN NOTHING. THE DOCTOR SAID HE HAD JUST A COLD BUT NO WORRY THEY DON'T NEED TO BE SEPARATED AS LONG AS THEY ARE NOT COUGHING IN EACH OTHER S FACES. I WAS LEARY OF HIS ADVICE AND READY FOR DAWN TO PACK UP RYAN AND HEAD TO HER MOMS BASEMENT APARTMENT FOR THE DURATION. SHE AGREED WITH DOCTOR AND SHE AND RYAN STAYED HOME. I WAS UP EVERY FEW HOURS TAKING TEMPS AND MEDICATING THE BOYS. RYAN WAS WORSE THAN DAVID DURING THE NIGHT SO I TOLD DAWN SHE SHOULD TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL WHICH SHE DID. HE TESTED POSITIVE FOR STREP AND THE DOCTOR SWORE TO HER THAT SINCE HE TESTED NEGATIVE FOR SWINE THE RESULT WOULD NOT BE DIFFERENT...HE WAS WRONG. RYAN TESTED POSITIVE FOR SWINE AS WELL. DAWN WAS GIVEN A PRESCRIPTION FOR TAMIFLU ONLY BECAUSE SHE KIND OF PRESSURED HIM AND HE TOLD HER AT THIS POINT IT WOULDN'T REALLY HELP SINCE IT HAD BEEN MORE THAN 48HRS SINCE SYMPTOMS BEGAN. WE WERE TOLD TO KEEP THEM HOME FOR ONE WHOLE DAY AFTER THEY HAD BEEN FEVER FREE FOR 24HRS. THE BOYS HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN WITHOUT FEVER SINCE SATURDAY (DAVID) AND SUNDAY (RYAN) BUT THEY ARE STILL HOME WITH COUGHS AND GENERAL BLAHS. THEY ARE GOING BACK TOMORROW. I WILL WHISPER QUIETLY TO YOU ALL SO AS NOT TO JINX US BUT IT LOOKS LIKE DAWN AND I MAY HAVE COME OUT OF THIS UNSCATHED.

SO PIGGIE PIGGIE FLY AWAY WE DON'T WANT YOU TO COME OUR WAY.

HOLY SHIT... THINGS ARE GOING WELL

BELIEVE IT OR NOT...I AM REALLY HAPPY LATELY. I KNOW...SHOCKER!! THINGS ARE GOING WELL. A HUGE WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED OFF MY SHOULDERS AND WE ARE LOOKING AHEAD TO A BRIGHT AND SOMEWHAT EASIER FUTURE. WE ARE JUST STARTING TO LOOK FOR A HOUSE WHILE PAYING OFF ANY AND ALL DEBT WE HAVE... STARTING FROM A CLEAN SLATE SOUNDS SO GOOD TO ME. OUR BOYS ARE TAKING THEIR CAP AND GOWN PICS TODAY. I CAN NOT BELIEVE THEY ARE GONNA BE GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL NEXT YEAR AND OUR WONDERFULLY SWEET AND SELFLESS KD HAS AGREED TO DONATE HIS SERVICES IN JANUARY AND FROM WHAT HE SAYS WHENEVER WE NEED UNTIL WE HAVE OUR HAPPY ENDING. I LOVE THIS GUY HE IS A SWEETIE. ALSO, A FEW WEEKS AFTER OUR UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT I SAW A RATHER LARGE ARTICLE IN THE PAPER ABOUT REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGISTS AND THEIR FREQUENT TENDENCY TO LABEL A WOMAN AS HAVING NON SPECIFIED PREMATURE OVARIAN FAILURE WITH NO REALLY GOOD REASON. THE ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN BY A FORMER RE AND HIS PARTNER (ALSO AN RE) WHO LEFT THE BUSINESS BECAUSE OF THIS SUDDEN TREND TO PUSH WOMEN INTO IVF. PUTTING WOMEN (OVER THE AGE OF 30) UNDER A SERIES OF INTENSE MEDICAL AND PHARMACEUTICAL TRIALS TO ONLY HAVE THEM STEERED INTO IVF. NOW, MY RE, DR. P, WAS WONDERFUL, BUT IN RETROSPECT, SHE WAS PUSHY ABOUT THE IVF EVEN THOUGH WE TOLD HER WE WERE NOT INTERESTED, SHE SAID EVERYTHING CAME BACK FINE EXCEPT FOR MY OVARIAN RESERVE WHICH WAS LOW...WELL SAID ARTICLE ADDRESSES THE FACT THAT THAT RESERVE DROPS AT 25 FOR ALL WOMEN AND THAT IT DOES NOT MEAN INFERTILITY. SO JUST FOR KICKS, OK, NOT FOR KICKS BUT FOR MY OWN SANITY, I TOOL THE FI*RST RE*SPO*NSE FERTILITY TEST...2 MONTHS IN A ROW...AND LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD IT INDICATED THAT MY RESERVE IS IN THE FERTILE RANGE. ALSO, MY DARLING RE NEVER TOLD ME THAT CLOMID CAN CAUSE NON-STICKING OF PERFECTLY GOOD FERTILIZED EGGS. WELL...NO MORE RE FOR ME. WE ARE GONNA GO NO MEDS NO HELP...JUST ME, MY WIFE AND AN EXTREMELY APPRECIATED DONATION. IT IS WHAT IT IS AND WHAT IT IS IS UP TO US.

THIS ISH IS GETTING F'ING OLD

BECAUSE APPARENTLY THINGS WERE JUST GOING TOO SMOOTHLY (INSERT EYEROLL HERE) I WAS ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL THE OTHER DAY FOR CHEST PAIN. I HAVE NOT BEEN ADMITTED TO A HOSPITAL SINCE DAVID WAS BORN ALMOST 14 YEARS AGO. IT WAS NOT FUN TO SAY THE LEAST. AFTER HOURS IN THE HOSPITAL ER THEY WERE GONNA LET ME GO BUT DECIDED TO DO ANOTHER EKG JUST IN CASE... AND OF COURSE THAT ONE CAME BACK DIFFERENT THEN THE FIRST...SO THEY KEPT MY ASS WITH THE INTENTION OF DOING AN ECHO AND A STRESS TEST... AFTER A NIGHT OF BLOOD WORK AND EKGS AND VITALS THEY OPTED OUT OF THE ECHO AND STRESS TESTS AND DECIDED TO SEND ME HOME ANYWAY. OF COURSE I ONLY FEEL MARGINALLY BETTER BUT WHAT DO THEY CARE? SO I HOME I WENT AND SPENT THE NEXT TWO DAYS IN BED. I AM BACK AT WORK TODAY AND HAVE A FOLLOW UP WITH MY PRIMARY WHO I CALL DR. DONOTHING. IT SEEMS LIKE SOME DAMN CONSPIRACY OF THE UNIVERSE TO KEEP ME FROM TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. WELL DEAR UNIVERSE, TOO FUCKING BAD, PLANS ARE MOVING FORWARD AND YOU WILL NOT STAND IN MY WAY !!

to be or not to be... depressed

So I am DEPRESSED. I mean who isn't depressed at one point in their lives or another? Well, it seems that I am depressed at all points of my life lately. I wish I could say it is all because of this crazy last few years of ups and downs in ttc but it isn't. The truth is I have been this way since I was a little girl. The truth is I spend most of my time trying to appear happy when inside I feel the complete opposite. It is extremely tiring to spend all your time pretending. Actually, it is fucking exhausting!! I used to be really good at it, now it appears my slip is showing.

Mental illness runs far and deep in my family and I guess I have known that there is something wrong for what seems like forever, and a few years ago I was officially diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder for you sane people) but if you ask me it is the wrong diagnosis. I went to the psychiatrist once and within the first 20 minutes she suggested meds. Now, I am all for everyone doing what works for them, but I personally do not want to be on medication especially after only talking to this woman for 20 minutes. It was right after my son really started having a hard time with his Tourettes, I found myself always crying when he wasn't looking because I could not make it better for him and I did not want him to see me upset about it... to me that sounds like normal mother/child response but then I am not a pill pushing doctor.

That being said... I think I need to talk to someone and my ENTIRE family agrees. I just don't know how all this is going to affect our ttc plans. I think I am most afraid of someone telling me that the things/people that I want/need most in my life are my biggest problems. What to do what to do? I don't really want to do anything. It seems that I am really good at helping people with their problems and feelings... but what about mine? I can't talk about or deal with my own.

WHY NOW?... So, I had a bit of a breakdown the other day and now everyone is looking at me with the side eye like I am gonna find the highest building and take a walk off it... but that isn't the case and frankly I find it annoying that everybody worries when I "don't act like myself" but never during their everyday lives do they consider that like everyone else I am not ok and maybe they should stop talking about their problems for long enough to ask me and genuinely give a fuck about mine. Now everybody is all concerned and upset but maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't have gotten to this point if they had taken a minute to ask before. Then again probably not, they all point fingers at each other for me feeling this way. They all tell me not to worry so much about the others and not to let them weigh me down with all their crap etc... but every single one of those people is a taker. They are the ones who take from me all the time leaving me with nothing in return except worry... lots and lots of worry. Quite frankly I am kinda over it and at this moment the thing that worries me the most is not that underneath the facade of happiness I am depressed but that underneath the depression secretly I don't give a fuck anymore. So what is worse?

a Happy Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING WIFE!! IT IS MOMENTS LIKE THIS WHEN CELEBRATING SOMEONE I LOVE SO MUCH THAT I CAN REMEMBER TO BE THANKFUL FOR THE THINGS THAT I DO HAVE AND NOT FOCUS ON THE THINGS THAT I DON'T. IN HER I HAVE AN AMAZING WIFE WHO IS MY BEST FRIEND, MY BIGGEST SUPPORTER, MY SHOULDER TO CRY ON, MY WALL TO BOUNCE OFF OF, A GREAT MOTHER TO OUR SONS AND THE BEST PERSON FOR ME. WE ARE SO DIFFERENT YET FIT SO PERFECTLY TOGETHER. SHE GETS ME EVEN WHEN I DON'T GET MYSELF. WE FIGHT LIKE ALL OTHER COUPLES AND GOD KNOWS PROBABLY UNLIKE OTHER COUPLES AS WELL BUT IN THE END IT IS OK BECAUSE IT IS NOT WITH EACH OTHER AS MUCH AS FOR EACH OTHER THAT WE DO SO. I LOVE HER WITH ALL OF MY BEING AND AM GRATEFUL EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR HER, EVEN THE DAYS WE WANT TO KILL EACH OTHER.. LOL. SHE HAS MY HEART FOREVER AND IF I AM LUCKY, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE HERS. SO TO MY BEAUTIFUL DAWN, I LOVE YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND THANK YOU.

THE GREEN EYED MONSTER

AS YOU CAN SEE I AM NOT PLAYING NICE. I AM FINDING THAT WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR LATELY THE EYES THAT STARE BACK AT ME ARE NOT MY DARK BROWN DOE EYES BUT THES GLARING GREEN EYES OF A MONSTER THAT QUITE FRANKLY SCARES THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF ME. I AM BY NATURE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WANTS EVER SO MUCH TO HOLD ON TO MY CHILDLIKE IDEA THAT THERE IS GOOD IN EVERYONE AND THAT THERE IS HUMANITY LEFT IN THE HUMAN RACE. I ALWAYS WISH FOR THE BEST FOR OTHERS EVEN IF THAT SOMEHOW DOESN'T VIBE WITH WHAT WORKS FOR ME. I LISTEN TO OTHERS WHENEVER THEY WANT TO TALK EVEN IF AT THE MOMENT I AM DEALING WITH MY OWN PROBLEMS. I TRY TO BE A GOOD FRIEND AND I PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING THE BEST MOTHER AND WIFE. I WOULD DIE FOR MY LOVED ONES AND AM LOYAL TO A FAULT. SO WHY IS THE PERSON LOOKING BACK AT ME SOMEONE I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH? THIS WHOLE FEELING OF FAILURE HAS LEFT A BITTER TASTE IN MY MOUTH AND A GREEN TINT IN MY EYES. I READ ALOT OF BLOGS AND THOUGH I DON'T COMMENT ON THEM ALL I AM ALWAYS ROOTING FOR EVERYONE, LAUGHING, CRYING, YELLING ALONG SIDE THEM. NOW I FIND MYSELF FEELING JEALOUS OF THEIR SUCCESSES AND COMFORTED BY THE FACT THAT I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DID NOT SUCCEED. I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON. ONE OF MY OLDEST FRIENDS WIL BE CALLING ME THIS MORNING TO TELL ME IF SHE IS PREGNANT. SHE HAS A 12 YEAR OLD AND A 1 1/2 YR OLD AND A MONTH AGO WAS TELLING ME SHE HATES HER HUSBAND AND THEY WERE THINKNING ABOUT DIVORCE. SHE TOLD ME SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT AS I WAS FINDING OUT THAT I WAS NOT. SHE KNEW ALL THE DRAMA WE HAD BEEN GOING THROUGH AND WE WERE GONNA BE TRYING THOUGH SHE DIDN'T KNOW THE DETAILS - SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS NOT HAPPY AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ... I TOLD HER WOW AND GOOD LUCK. LAME ASS LINE RIGHT? I KNOW AND I FELT LIKE AN ASSHOLE FOR SAYING IT BUT WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE SAID?? THEN YESTERDAY SHE TOLD ME SHE WOULD BE SAD IF SHE ISN'T. I WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR HER BUT I AM FINDING IT DIFFICULT. SO I AM JUST WISHING FOR HER WHATEVER IS BEST FOR HER. I WILL DEAL WITH MY OWN SHIT AS I GO ALONG AND JUST TRY MY BEST TO BE SUPPORTIVE. IN THE MEANTIME I AM GONNA TRY TO JUST STAY POSITIVE AND WAIT PATIENTLY FOR OUR TURN... AND I AM GONNA WISH EVERYBODY LUCK, POSITIVE THOUGHTS, LOTS OF STICKY BABY DUST AND SEND ALL MY LOVE AND APOLOGIES FOR NOT ALWAYS BEING AS SUPPORTIVE AS I SHOULD BE.

alone in a crowd

So here we are in a state of suspended animation, once again. As is stands I am still an emotional freaking wreck. I was not prepared for all these feelings and I do not think I am handling it very well. I go back and forth between crying and railing at the universe for being unfair and thinking that when it is meant to be it will happen. My wife believes in fate... so do I ... to an extent. I believe that their is a plan for all of us but that like a choose your own adventure book, there are many variations to that plan, and our choices are what ultimately determine which adventure we take on and what ending we come to. I read alot of other blogs and I do not envy those women who have been on the ttc road for what seems like forever. I do admire their strength and determination. However, I do not think my path leads me to such a long journey. We have two beautiful boys and while we want nothing more than to have a child together, we cannot dedicate as long a time to ttc as we would like. That is not our journey. I want to write out a list of all the reasons why we are gonna wait a few more months to try again, why we won't do IVF and why we won't go past my 35th birthday trying but somehow I feel like doing that would take away from everyone else's journey. I feel like placing limits on our ttc so early on diminishes our desire to have a baby in the eyes of others, like we don't make the cut to be part of the group. I have always gone against the grain and been sort of a loner but somehow I thought I would find comfort in blogland instead I feel unworthy and alone. There are so many different situations out there that I read about and yet I find none like ours. Our reasons may not be yours, our decisions may not sound reasonable to you, but they are ours and we own them. To us they are important and a vital part of our adventure. So I will go back to charting and using my OPKs and then we will try again in January/February if all goes well but for now it is time to gather our thoughts and regroup. We have chosen our own adventure just as you have chosen yours but hopefully the end of the story will be the same for all of us even though we have taken different paths.. happy healthy babies.

the end of the first try

SO THIS MONTH'S TRY IS OFFICIALLY OVER. I WON'T EVEN TELL YOU HOW MANY HPTs WE TOOK BECAUSE IT IS JUST INSANE... BUT THEY WERE ALL NEGATIVE, NO FAINT LINES NO GLIMMER OF HOPE... NADA. IF YOU WOULD HAVE HAD ME BET MONEY I WOULD HAVE BET THAT I WAS PREGNANT EVEN THOUGH THE TESTS SAID NO. MY BODY FELT LIKE IT WAS PREGNANT BUT MAYBE IT WAS JUST A FUCKED UP MIX OF HOPE AND THE CLOMID. ANYWAY... I HAD A FEW SPOTS THURSDAY AND FRIDAY WHICH I WAS CHALKING UP TO IMPLANTATION BLEEDING BECAUSE I DO NOT SPOT BEFORE MY PERIOD. THIS MORNING AFTER THE UMPTEENTH HPT I HAD A FEW MORE SPOTS AND THEN ABOUT AN HOUR LATER I PASSED WHAT LOOKED LIKE A SMALL CLOT AND STARTED CRAMPING. I DO BELIEVE THE FAT LADY HAS SUNG AND IT IS OVER. I WAS FEELING KIND OF NUMB, JUST SITTING HERE BY MYSELF... DAWN IS ASLEEP AND SO ARE THE KIDS. BUT NOW AS I TYPE THIS THE TEARS ARE FALLING FREELY AND I CAN SAY THAT I AM TRULY HEARTBROKEN. I KNOW IT SOUNDS SO STUPID CONSIDERING IT WAS ONLY OUR FIRST OFFICIAL TRY AND WELL HELL, EVEN WITH THE CLOMID I ONLY HAVE A 15% CHANCE ANYWAY, BUT I DON'T CARE, MY FUCKING HEART IS BREAKING AND I FEEL LIKE I JUST CAN'T EVEN BREATHE LET ALONE BE RATIONAL ABOUT ALL THIS. I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I CAN LOOK DAWN IN THE FACE. I FEEL LIKE I LET HER DOWN. I KNOW SHE IS GONNA READ THIS AND BE PISSED AT ME FOR SAYING THAT BUT IT IS HOW I FEEL. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE GONNA DO NOW OR WHEN WE ARE GONNA TRY AGAIN BUT I KNOW THAT AT THIS VERY MOMENT I CAN ONLY THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH I AM HURTING RIGHT NOW.

AND SO NOW WE WAIT

OK SO I WASN'T GONNA POST BUT I THINK IF I DON'T GET SOME OF THIS INSANITY OUT I MAY BURST. SO WE DID OUR 1ST AND TURNS OUT ONLY AT HOME ICI ON FRIDAY. WE OPTED OUT OF SATURDAY. SO NOW WE ARE WAITING.... IMPATIENTLY. DAWN SEEMS TO BE MORE IMPATIENT TO KNOW THEN I AM BUT THEN AGAIN SHE IS THE KIND OF PERSON THAT OPENED HER CHRISTMAS GIFTS EARLY AND THEN RETAPED THEM SO NOBODY KNEW. I WISH I COULD TELL HER ONE WAY OR THE OTHER BUT I AM AS IN THE DARK AS SHE IS. I JUST HOPE THAT WHAT EVER HAPPENS FROM HERE ON IN WE ALL KEEP IT TOGETHER. I THINK FOR ME THIS SEEMS SURREAL. I AM NOT SURE WHY. MAYBE I AM AFRAID TO GET MY HOPES UP MAYBE I AM JUST AFRAID... BUT I FEEL A LITTLE NUMB. LIKE IT IS HAPPENING TO SOMEBODY ELSE. I GUESS WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING FOR SOOOO LONG, WHEN YOU FINALLY HAVE IT RIGHT WITHIN YOUR GRASP YOU HESITATE TO TAKE IT FOR FEAR THAT SOMEONE WILL SNATCH IT AWAY. THAT IS AS CLOSE AS AS EXPLANATION AS I CAN GET. I THINK WE ARE TESTING ON THE 15TH... I KNOW, NOT QUITE THE FULL 2 WEEKS BUT LIKE I SAID PATIENCE IS NOT ONE OF MY DARLING WIFE'S VIRTUES. LOL. IN THE MEANTIME FINGERS CROSSED AND LOTS AND LOTS OF SUPER STICKY BABYDUST OUR WAY.

and away we go

TODAY IS MY FIRST DAY OF CLOMID - DIRECTIONS WERE SIMPLE, PLACE PILL IN HANE, PUT PILL DOWN, PLACE PILL IN HAND, PUT PILL DOWN, REPEAT ABOUT 5 MORE TIMES THEN SWALLOW PILL WITH A GLASS OF WATER, CONTINUE TO DO THIS FOR 4 MORE DAYS, HOLD BREATHE, WAIT SEVERAL DAYS, GET KD CONTRIBUTION, ATTEMPT AT TO GET PG, NEXT DAY REPEAT, THEN HOLD BREATH FOR TWO WEEKS AND ONE WAY OR ANOTHER CRY. SOUNDS SIMPLE ENOUGH. (EYEROLL) SO HERE WE GO, FOR REAL THIS TIME, I AM ALL KINDS OF NERVOUS, SCARED, EXCITED ETC... I WILL SEE ABOUT POSTING DURING THIS TIME BUT IF I AM TOO F**KED UP IN THE HEAD THEN I WON'T UNTIL THE 1ST POAS. OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a mixed bag of OMGWTF!?!?

Not too much to say except - we are down to the wire - we are trying in September, Clomid 50mg at 5 days, at home and with a KD (fingers crossed fingers crossed) I know it is completely away from what we were gonna do but this is the way it is gonna go... at least this time around. Hopefully it will be the only time we have to try. In the meantime we are just gonna try to rely on our charting, timing, Clomid, KD swimmers and good old fashioned luck for this one. We will see how it goes and then go from there.

back from Alaska

WE JUST GOT BACK FROM OUR R FAMILY ALASKA CRUISE AND IT WAS AMAZING - IT WAS SURREAL! IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL THAT IT FELT LIKE IT WAS HAPPENING OUT OF BODY. WE HAD A GREAT TIME AND THE KIDS HAD A BLAST. MOST OF ALL IT SO GOOD TO BE SURROUNDED BY SO MANY OTHER LGBT FAMILIES. SO NOW WE ARE BACK TO THE BABY PATH. WE SHOULD BE OFFICIALLY TRYING SEPTEMBER. SO HERE IS TO GOING FORWARD AS PLANNED AND HAVING A HEALTHY BABY TO TAKE WITH US NEXT YEAR ON THE RFAMILY CLUB MED TRIP.

Another year ...

TODAY IS OUR ANNIVERSARY. 5 YEARS AGO TODAY WE HAD OUR COMMITMENT CEREMONY. WE HAD A MINISTER, WE SAID OUR VOWS, WE PROMISED EACHOTHER LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP. WE MAY NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO LEGALLY MARRY BUT NO ONE CAN TELL US THAT WE ARE NOT. MAYBE ONE DAY, HOPEFULLY SOON, OUR STATE WILL LET US GET MARRIED. MAYBE NOT. WHILE THIS WOULD CHANGE ALOT OF LEGAL THINGS, IT WOULD NOT CHANGE HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER. SHE IS MY WIFE AND I AM HERS AND TODAY WE CELEBRATE 5 YEARS OF MARRIAGE.

DAWN, I LOVE YOU. 10 YEARS AGO, 5 YEARS AGO, TODAY AND FOREVER I AM YOURS.

a long but beautiful journey... hand in hand

SO EVEN WITH ALL OF OUR (MOSTLY MY) WORRIES, WE ARE GONNA KEEP OUR RE APPOINTMENT ON THE 29TH AND TALK TO HER AND REVIEW OUR OPTIONS AND OUR CHANCES (REALISTICALLY) AND THEN GO HOME AND TALK. I THINK IT HAS JUST BEEN A VERY LONG AND BUMPY ROAD SO FAR AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE HAVE REALLY BEEN ABLE TO GET BACK TO BUSINESS AND FOCUS ON JUST OUR TTC JOURNEY. SO WE WILL... BUT THE ROAD LOOKS A LOT MORE PLEASANT TODAY.

ON A SEPARATE NOTE... I CAN NOT WAIT UNTIL JULY FOR OUR R FAMILY ALASKA CRUISE WITH OUR BEAUTIFUL BOYS. WE CAN ALL USE A VACATION.

what goes up must come down

WELL, THE RESULTS ARE IN AND I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE ALL CLEAR TO GO AHEAD WITHOUT A FOLLOW UP CT (BY CHOICE) FOR A WHOLE YEAR. THIS IS GOOD NEWS...RIGHT??? I AM FACED WITH THE SUDDEN REALIZATION THAT NOW THAT I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO WORRY ABOUT HEALTHWISE, I AM PLAGUED WITH ALL KINDS OF DOUBTS ABOUT OUR TTC PLANS. SUCKY TIMING, SUCKY FEELINGS, SUCKY ME.

WAITING TO EXHALE

OK, I WAS APPROVED MY FIRST FOLLOW UP CT SCAN AND IT IS TODAY AT 5:30. I AM GONNA HAVE TO HOLD MY BREATHE UNTIL NEXT WEEK FOR THE RESULTS. IF IT COMES BACK BAD THEN NO BABY MAKING UNTIL THE SITUATION IS TAKEN CARE OF... WHATEVER THE SITUATION MAY BE. IF IT COMES BACK FINE, WE HAVE TO CONSCIOUSLY DECIDE THAT WE ARE GONNA PUT OFF ALL MY FOLLOW UP CT SCANS UNTIL, WE HAVE DELIVERED A HEALTHY BABY OR STOPPED TTC. EITHER WAY IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE THIS TEST IS GONNA RESOLVE ANYTHING AS MUCH AS MAKE THINGS WORSE IN A WAY. THE DOCTOR RECOMMENDS FOLLOW UP CT SCANS FOR 2 YEARS, HAVING ONE DONE EVERY 3 MONTHS. LET'S SAY IT TAKES US THREE MONTHS TO GET PREGNANT AND 9 MONTHS TO DELIVER, I HAVE TO DECIDE TO FOREGO FOLLOW UP FOR A WHOLE YEAR WITH NO GUARANTEE THAT THE THYMUS WON'T "GO BAD" - IT SEEMS O EASY FOR ME TO SAY, NO PROBLEM, BUT I ALREADY HAVE TO KIDS AND A WHOLE FAMILY TO THINK ABOUT. WHAT IF I MAKE THE WRONG DECISION AND PUT MYSELF AND OUR FUTURE BABY IN DANGER?!?! WHAT IF WE HOLD OFF ONCE AGAIN AND WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, I AM FINE BUT COMPLETELY INFERTILE (REMEMBER I AM RUNNING ON ALMOST EMPTY IN THE EGG DEPARTMENT) - SO MANY DECISIONS SO LITTLE TIME. I REMEMBER WHEN BEING 32 DIDN'T SEEM SO OLD, ONE FREAKING MIS EXAM AND THAT WAS ALL SHOT TO HELL AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I AM 90.

I AM SO TIRED OF ALL THE "IT WILL ALL BE OKs" AND THE "I AM PRAYING FOR YOUs" AND THE "HANG IN THEREs"... THEY ARE NICE, AND REAL SWEET AND DON'T DO A FUCKING THING TO MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER, NO MATTER HOW MUCH THE PEOPLE SAYING IT LOVE ME. IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL LIKE ANYTHING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT. I AM SICK ABOUT ALL OF THIS. TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND SEEM LIKE I AM FINE IS FUCKING BULLSHIT AND DRIVING ME CRAZIER.

BUT HERE I GO, INHALE DEEP, HOLD BREATHE, HOPE FOR THE BEST, AND FACE THE WORLD WITH A PLASTERED ON SMILE... AT LEAST UNTIL NEXT WEEK. SO TELL ME YOU ARE PRAYING FOR ME AND THAT I SHOULD HANG IN THERE BECAUSE THINGS WILL BE OK, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I DON'T THINK IT HELPS, MAYBE IF YOU ALL DO, IT WILL. I DON'T LIKE TO ASK FOR HELP... BUT I NEED IT.

PUTTING UP A REWARD POSTER

I CAN NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME KEEP MY THOUGHTS IN ONE DIRECTION. I AM SO SCARED OF EVERYTHING LATELY. I AM MY OWN DEVILS ADVOCATE. EVERY TIME I HAVE A GOOD THOUGHT THE OTHER ME COMES UP WITH A BAD ONE TO COUNTER (OR 2 OR 3) I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE ABOUT WHAT IS TO COME BUT IT IS REALLY HARD TO DO. I AM WAITING FOR MY CHEST CT APPOINTMENT TO BE SCHEDULED. I KNOW THAT I REALLY SHOULDN'T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING UNTIL AFTER THAT BECAUSE REALLY, THAT IS GONNA BE THE JUMPING OFF POINT FOR WHETHER OR NOT WE CAN GO FORWARD WITH THE TTC OR HAVE TO WAIT (YET AGAIN) FOR ANOTHER 3 MONTH SCAN. I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT EVERYTHING. IT CONSUMES MY DAYS AND IT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT. IT IS SOMETHING THAT I STRUGGLE WITH EVERY DAY. IT IS NOT JUST THE TTC STUFF OR THE CT STUFF THAT HAS ME FEELING CRAZY, IT IS EVERY THING. I AM ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING. I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE ARE SO MANY LOOSE ENDS THAT NEED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF. I AM BY NO MEANS A CONTROL FREAK, BUT I FEEL LIKE EVERY SINGLE THING AROUND ME IS OUT OF MY CONTROL... EVEN MY THOUGHTS. I AM JUST TRYING TO GET BY AND ENJOY AS MANY MOMENTS AS I CAN. BUT I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I AM WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP. MAYBE I AM. MAYBE SOME WHERE INSIDE OF ME THERE (NOT SO HIDDEN) THERE IS A PART OF ME THAT EXPECTS THE WORSE BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL TRULY WORTHY OF HAPPINESS. I KNOW THERAPY SOUNDS LIKE AN OPTION, AND IT IS ONE I HAVE TRIED (VERY BRIEFLY) AND CONSIDERED TYING AGAIN, BUT HONESTLY, I DON'T THINK IT IS SOMETHING I CAN REALLY DO WELL WITH. I AM NICE AND OPEN ON HERE AND WRITING ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, BUT ASK MY WIFE AND SHE WILL TELL YOU, I DO NOT LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS, IT HURTS TOO MUCH. IT IS LIKE OPENING UP A POORLY HEALED WOUND THAT WILL ONLY TAKE THAT MUCH LONGER TO HEAL AND IN THE END WILL JUST SCAR WORSE. THERE IS NO DETACHMENT IN TALKING. I CAN'T SPEAK OF MY FEELINGS IN A WAY THAT ALLOWS ME TO REMOVE MYSELF FROM THEM. I KNOW THAT IS THE POINT OF THERAPY AND THAT IS WHY IT HELPS IN THE END AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BUT JUST CAN'T DO IT. ALTHOUGH READING BACK WHAT I JUST WROTE I CAN TOTALLY SEE THAT I NEED IT. LOL.

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE... WE ARE GOING TO FAMILY CAMP THIS WEEKEND. I CAN'T WAIT. I LOVE GOING THERE AND I LOVE GETTING AWAY WITH DAWN AND THE BOYS. AS AN ADDED BONUS, I RECENTLY RECONNECTED WITH MY CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND AND SHE AND HER HUSBAND AND KIDS ARE COMING WITH US. I MISSED HER SO MUCH AND I AM GLAD THAT WE ARE GETTING A SECOND CHANCE. THERE WERE SO MANY TIMES OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS I NEEDED HER. OH LORD, NOW I AM CRYING, I GUESS MY DETACH BUTTON IS NOT WORKING SO WELL TODAY. ANYWAY, HERE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO AN AWESOME WEEKEND. HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY YOURS.

looking for a little hope when feeling a little hopeless

THIS WAS ME YESTERDAY...ACTUALLY, THIS IS ME MOST DAYS. I FEEL SO NEGATIVE ABOUT HOW THINGS WILL TURN OUT. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO HOPE. LIKE I AM JUST GONNA GO THROUGH WITH THIS TO FIND OUT WHAT I ALREADY KNOW... I AM GONNA FAIL. WHAT A SHITTY FUCKING ATTITUDE TO HAVE... I KNOW IT, I BELIEVE IT AND YET I CAN'T HELP IT. THEN THERE ARE THOSE DAYS WHEN I CAN ALMOST FEEL OUR BABY IN MY ARMS (OF COURSE IT IS A GIRL IN THIS SCENARIO BECAUSE WE ALREADY HAVE 2 BOYS AND I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE ANOTHER BOY ALTHOUGH I KNOW IT WOULDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE) THAT'S HOW SURE I AM THAT WE WILL SUCCEED. HOW IS IT THAT I CAN FEEL THIS WAY WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING GIVEN IT A TRY. IT IS THIS WHOLE DAMN EGG COUNT THING THAT HAS ME SO FUCKING CRAZY!! I SWEAR TO GOD I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING DIED IN ME WHEN SHE TOLD ME HOW LOW MY OVARIAN RESERVE WAS... AND I CAN ALMOST HEAR THEM DISAPPEARING INTO THIN AIR AS WE SPEAK. THE SECONDS ON THE OLD BIOLOGICAL CLOCK TICKING SO LOUDLY IN MY HEAD THAT MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE IT WILL EXPLODE. HOW DO I SAY ALL THIS WITHOUT SOUNDING CRAZY??? THEN AGAIN, WHO CARES IF I SOUND CRAZY... I FEEL CRAZY. I FEEL LIKE THE MORE I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT THE MORE I DO. THE MORE I TRY TO GIVE MYSELF THE OLD " WHAT HAPPENS HAPPENS AND IT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING" PEP TALK THE MORE I CALL BULLSHIT ON ALL THAT WHATEVER WILL BE WILL BE ATTITUDE. DAWN TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT I HAVE ALREADY SET MYSELF UP FOR FAILURE AND THAT STRESS WILL ONLY BE A BAD THING FOR TTC... AND (NO OFFENSE MY LOVE) BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...I KNOW ALL OF THIS AND IF I COULD I WOULD STOP BUT I CAN'T!! I HAVE NEVER FELT SO COMPLETELY POWERLESS AND OUT OF CONTROL IN MY LIFE. THE WORSE PART IS WE HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED INSEMINATION YET. WE ARE PUSHED TO AUGUST (IF I GET THE CLEARANCE FROM THE PULMONOLOGIST TO SKIP MY CTs) BECAUSE OF MY CYCLES. WHAT HAPPENS THEN? WE AGREED TO ONLY A FEW MONTHS OF TRYING. I FEEL LIKE HOW CAN I NOT FEEL LIKE I WILL FAIL HER? FAIL US? WE HAVE SO MUCH AGAINST US. IT IS LIKE THE CARDS WERE ALREADY DEALT AND YET HERE WE ARE STILL WAITING FOR A CHANCE TO SIT AT THE TABLE. HOW CAN I FEEL POSITIVE AND HOPEFUL WHEN I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I FAILED?

AND AFTER ALL THIS AND LOTS OF TEARS AND MY TELLING HER THAT I NEED HOPE ...WE GET OUT OF THE CAR AND ON THE FLOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WET SIDEWALK AND UNDER MY FOOT IS RIBBON... BLUE AND PURPLE TIED TOGETHER INTERTWINED. BLUE AND PURPLE... OUR WEDDING COLORS. DAWN SAYS IT IS A SIGN. I SECRETLY PRAY IT IS. HOURS LATER WE GET HOME AND I AM STILL BUMMED AND TALKING ABOUT FEELING HOPELESS AND OPENING MY JUNK MAIL (INSTEAD OF JUST TOSSING IT) THAT HAS BEEN SITTING ON THE COUCH FOR ABOUT A WEEK OR SO... AND IN AN ENVELOPE AMONG RANDOM ADVERTISEMENTS IS ONE FOR A LITTLE GIRL FAIRY STATUE... NAMED HOPE. DAWN SAYS IT IS A SIGN. I AM PRETTY SURE IT WAS. SO TODAY IS A LITTLE BETTER.... BUT LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE... WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING.

BTW - CHECK THE COLORS OF THE PIC ABOVE...

A NON TTC POST

IT WAS OUR BOYS' CONFIRMATION THIS PAST SATURDAY. I JUST WANT TO SAY HOW PROUD OF THEM WE ARE AND HOW MUCH WE LOVE THEM. RYAN (ON THE LEFT) AND DAVID (ON THE RIGHT) ARE THE MOST AMAZING CHILDREN EVER. I KNOW WE ALL SAY THAT ABOUT OUR KIDS BUT I REALLY PRIDE MYSELF ON THE FACT THAT WHEN THEY ARE BEING ASSES I CALL THEM ON IT. THESE KIDS ARE REALLY GOOD KIDS. I LOVE THEM BOTH DEARLY AND MOST OF THE TIME WE WOULDN'T TRADE THEM IN FOR ANYTHING...LOL. SERIOUSLY, THEY ARE THE REASON THAT EVEN THOUGH WE WANT ANOTHER BABY, OUR FAMILY IS ALREADY FILLED WITH AN ABUNDANCE OF BLESSINGS AND WE ARE COMPLETE. (however, don't get me wrong, we really, really, really want to add a baby to the mix and ok, I am sorry, but you know I had to sneak something about TTC in there, it IS a TTC blog)

A RAY OF HOPE

I HAD THE HSG THE OTHER DAY AND LEFT ME FIRST SAY THIS... HOLY FUCKING CRAP THAT SHIT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!! OK, NOW THAT HAVING BEEN SAID. THE DOCTOR WHO DID IT SAID ALL LOOKED GOOD. THAT IS THE FIRST STRAIGHT UP GOOD THING I HAVE HEARD SO FAR. THIS WHOLE EXPERIENCE THUS FAR HAS BEEN ONE SHITTY THING AFTER THE OTHER BUT NOW THERE IS HOPE. IS IT BEYOND STUPID OF ME TO HOLD ONTO A GOOD LOOKING UTERUS AND A FINE PAIR OF FALLOPIAN TUBES AS OMENS OF GOOD THINGS TO COME CONSIDERING THE LOW EGG THING? WELL, SCREW IT, I WILL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET LATELY.

OF COURSE THE FINAL STEPS TO THIS EPIPHANY WERE ROUGH ONES. AS I BELIEVE I SAID EARLIER THERE WAS A HUGE LAPSE OF COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE RE'S OFFICE, THE HSG OFFICE AND MY INSURANCE. DAWN AND I LEFT OUR HOUSE EARLY ENOUGH TO ENSURE A VISIT TO THE RE'S OFFICE BEFORE MY APPOINTMENT ON THE 9TH FLOOR. WE GET THERE AND THE BILLING LADY TELLS ME WITHOUT FLINCHING THAT I DO NOT NEED A REFERRAL AT ALL BECAUSE I REGISTERED WITH MY INSURANCE'S INFERTILITY HOTLINE. I EXPLAIN TO HER AGAIN, ALMOST IN TEARS FROM FRUSTRATION AND ANGER THAT I WOULD REALLY LIKE FOR HER TO DOUBLE CHECK AND TALK TO THEM UPSTAIRS BECAUSE THE GIRL WAS REAL NASTY TO ME AND MY INSURANCE GAVE ME COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INFORMATION. SO DAWN AND I GO SIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT FOR WHAT SEEMS LIKE A FREAKING ETERNITY. WE SEE HER COME OUT AND THE LOOK ON HER FACE WAS LIKE A BULLET THROUGH THE HEART TO ME. HOWEVER, THE LOOK WAS THANKS TO THE STUPID BITCH ON THE 9TH FLOOR. APPARENTLY THE BILLING LADY WAS ABLE TO CONFIRM THROUGH THE INFERTILITY LINE THAT SHE WAS RIGHT, I DID NOT NEED A REFERRAL AT ALL, SHE THEN CALLED THE BIOTCH UPSTAIRS TO EXPLAIN AND HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCE I DID. IT WAS SO BAD SHE HUNG UP ON THE 9TH FLOOR BITCH. THEN SHE TELLS ME THAT WHILE SHE WAS TRYING TO VERIFY WITH MY REGULAR INSURANCE SHE WAS TOLD THAT AS OF 1/09 I AM NO LONGER COVERED FOR IUIs - ONLY BASIC TESTING. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BELIEVE IT OR NOT I CHOKED BACK THE HORROR OF THAT STATEMENT AND DECIDED TO KEEP ON DOING WHAT I COULD DO WHICH WAS TAKE MY ASS UPSTAIRS TO MY HSG APPT AND WORRY ABOUT THE INSURANCE THING LATER.

THE BITCH UPSTAIRS HAD MAJOR ATTITUDE AND WAS KIND ENOUGH TO TELL ME AGAIN THAT MY INSURANCE SAID I NEED A REFERRAL AND IF I HAD TO PAY BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T COVER IT - IT WASN'T HER FAULT BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME. WE WAITED AWHILE AND IT SUCKED. I WAS REALLY SCARED AND JUST WANTED TO TURN TAIL AND RUN. AFTER WELL PAST MY APPOINTMENT TIME THEY CAME TO GET ME. A YOUNG GIRL WHO HAD BEEN STANDING WITH THE BITCH WHEN I CAME IN CAME TO GET ME AND TOOK ME TO THE CHANGING ROOM. NOW... I AM A BIG GIRL AND OF COURSE THOSE STUPID GOWNS DON'T EVEN CLOSE ON ME AND RIDE UP TO BOOT SO SHE COME S TO GET ME AND I AM TRYING MY BEST TO COVER MY GOODS WHEN I ASK HER IF I CAN HAVE ANOTHER GOWN TO COVER MYSELF WHILE I WALK TO THE ROOM, SHE LOOKS ME UP AND DOWN AND SAYS, "OH, WE ARE GONNA SEE IT ANYWAY" AND BEFORE I CAN EVEN BLINK SHE HAS SHUFFLED ME OFF TO THE ROOM. I GOT UP ON THE TABLE, ASSUMED THE POSITION AND HELD MY BREATHE. THE TEST WAS PAINFUL AND I FELT A LITTLE HUMILIATED AND I CRIED, CORRECTION, SOBBED SILENTLY. BUT THROUGH THE TEARS I HEARD THE WORDS THAT MADE IT ALL WORTHWHILE... "EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD."

IT TOOK ME A COUPLE OF DAYS TO FEEL BETTER. ALOT OF CRAMPING AND BLEEDING AND BLOATING. BUT IT WAS ALL GOOD IN THE END. TO TOP IT OFF I CALLED MY INSURANCE MONDAY MORNING AND WAS TOLD THAT I AM INDEED STILL COVERED FOR UNLIMITED IUIs - SO LET'S KEEP THE GOOD NEWS COMING... I GOTTA SCHEDULE MY 2ND CHEST CT FOR NEXT MONTH.

IN THE MEANTIME, DAWN AND I ARE FOCUSING ON GETTING OUR BOYS READY FOR THEIR CONFIRMATION THIS MONTH SO WE ARE KEEPING VERY BUSY... THANK GOD!!

WANTED

FOUR LEAF CLOVERS, KNOCK ON WOOD, SALT OVER SHOULDER ETC... I NEED ALL OF IT. TOMORROW IS THE HSG - I HOPE. I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT IT SO I NEED ALL THE LUCK AND GOOD VIBES I CAN GET. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT FOR ONCE IN THE LAST I-DON'T-EVEN-KNOW-HOW-LONG I GO TO THE DOCTOR AND DON'T COME OUT FEELING LIKE MY HEART IS TORN IN PIECES?!?!

changing my name to Murphy

I SWEAR IT SEEMS LIKE WHENEVER EVERYTHING IS GOING ALONG NICELY SOMETHING FUCKS IT ALL UP. I MADE MY APPOINTMENT FOR THE HSG FOR THIS FRIDAY. IT SEEMED EASY ENOUGH TO DO. I WAS TOLD TO CALL THE 2ND DAY OF WHATEVER CYCLE AND THAT THE APPOINTMENT WOULD BE MADE FOR BETWEEN THE 5TH AND 10TH DAY OF MY CYCLE. THIS WORKED OUT GREAT. DAWN IS OFF FROM WORK SO SHE CAN GO WITH ME AND IT IS A FRIDAY WHICH GIVES ME THE WHOLE WEEKEND TO RELAX AFTER. I WAS TOLD IN THE BEGINNING THAT SINCE THEY HAD ME REGISTER WITH THE INFERTILITY PART OF MY INSURANCE I WOULD JUST BE ABLE TO HAVE TREATMENT WITHOUT HAVING TO GO THROUGH MY PRIMARY. MADE MY APPOINTMENT AND THEY TOLD ME I NEED A SLIP OF PAPER FROM THE RE, I HAD THAT ALREADY BECAUSE SHE GAVE IT TO ME AFTER THE FIRST APPOINTMENT FOR WHENEVER I WAS READY TO GO FOR THE HSG - HOWEVER, IT WAS NOT SIGNED, NO PROBLEM, THEY ARE IN THE SAME BUILDING, I CAN GET IT SIGNED BEFORE I GO FOR THE TEST... AND THE NEXT DAY THE RECEPTIONIST CALLS ME BACK TO TELL ME I NEED A REFERRAL FROM MY PRIMARY, I CALL THE RE'S BILLING OFFICE SINCE THEY HANDLED EVERYTHING SO FAR AND THEY TELL ME NO, I NEED NO REFERRALS BECAUSE I AM REGISTERED IN THE INFERTILITY PROGRAM. I CALL THE RECEPTIOINST BACK AND NOW SHE IS A NASTY DOUCHE AND TALKS TO ME LIKE I AM A FUCKING IDIOT. SHE IS UNMOVED AND TELLS ME I NEED THE REFERRAL, SHE SPOKE TO MY INSURANCE, IF I DON'T HAVE IT AND I NEED IT, THEY WILL NOT SEE ME, I EXPLAIN THAT I AM REGISTERED IN FOR INFERTILITY TREATMENT, SHE SAYS ALL SHE ASKED ABOUT WAS THE TEST, THAT IS HER JOB, IF I HAVE QUESTIONS CALL THE INSURANCE. I CALL MY INSURANCE, THEY TELL ME I NEED A REFERRAL FROM MY PRIMARY, I TELL THEM I AM REGISTERED FOR INFERTILITY TREATMENT, THEY PUT ME ON HOLD AND TELL ME I STILL NEED A REFERRAL BUT FROM THE RE NOT MY PRIMARY, I AM IN TEARS WHEN I HANG UP. I CALL THE RE OFFICE BACK AND SPEAK TO THE RECEPTIOINST, SHE TELLS ME ALL I NEED IS THE ORIGINAL SLIP THAT THE DOCTOR GAVE ME, COME IN BEFORE THE TEST AND THEY WILL SIGN IT. I FEEL LIKE I ENDED WHERE I STARTED. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN WHEN I GET THERE BUT I AM STILL GONNA GO AND WING IT. WHY IS IT EVEN THE EASY THINGS ARE DIFFICULT? I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT THE HELL IS GONNA HAPPEN WHEN WE ACTUALLY GET THE GO AHEAD TO QUIT THE PREP WORK AND GET STARTED.

ARGHHHHHHHH

NEVER EVER EVER START A DIET A FEW DAYS BEFORE AUNT FLO. I AM PMSING LIKE A MUTHA AND IT IS NOT PRETTY. I MEAN COME ON PEOPLE... IF I EAT ONE MORE RAW GREEN BEAN I MAY GO POSTAL. THIS STUPID ASS CLEANSE HAS ME CRAZY - TOMORROW I START WW HOPEFULLY I WILL NO LONGER FEEL HOMICIDAL.

I AM TIRED OF SITTING ON MY EXTREMELY FAT ASS DOING NOTHING. SINCE I AM ON A FORCED TIME OUT UNTIL THE NEXT CT SCAN THEN I AM GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE FAT ASS THING. I AM STARTING A DIET TODAY. I AM DOING A TWO DAY DETOX AND THEN WEIGHT WATCHERS. I HAVE TRIED THIS BEFORE BUT THIS TIME I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL!!!! I AM GONNA GET MYSELF HEALTHIER FOR ME, MY FAMILY, MY CHANCES OF GETTING PREGNANT... EVERY REASON THINKABLE AND SOME THAT I AM GONNA MAKE UP IF THE ONES I HAVE DON'T SEEM TO ENCOURAGE THE RABBIT FOOD EATING.

I AM GONNA LOSE FUCKING WEIGHT... EVEN IF I HAVE TO TAKE HOSTAGES. LOL.

*** DISCLAIMER: I CAN ALMOST GUARANTEE THAT I AM GONNA BE ONE CRANKY ASS MEGA BITCH FROM NOW UNTIL JUDGEMENT DAY (NOT LIKE MY LITTLE MARY SUNSHINE EVERYDAY SELF) SO BARE WITH ME AND RIDE IT OUT OR GRAB A PIECE OF CAKE AND FUCK OFF. LOL

update...sorta

SO THE LATEST WORD IS... NOTHING. THIS IS ACTUALLY A GOOD THING. ON MONDAY I DECIDED TO CALL (WE DON'T)CARECORE TO CHECK ON MY PET SCAN APPROVAL. I WAS TOLD IT WAS DENIED. THIS WAS NOT A BIG SURPRISE AS THEY LOVE TO DENY THINGS TO THEN APPROVE IT AFTER YOUR DOCTOR APPEALS. THEY TOLD ME THEY FAXED THE DENIAL TO THE DOC ON FRIDAY AND SINCE I KNOW THEY ARE NOT IN TILL TUESDAY I FIGURED I WOULD HEAR FROM THEM SOON. NOT 30 SECONDS AFTER I HUNG UP WITH THEM, I GOT A CALL FROM MY PULMONOLOGIST'S RECEPTIONIST SAYING THAT I WAS TO GET INTO HIS OFFICE THE NEXT DAY. I ASKED HER IF IT WAS ABOUT THE DENIAL AND SHE HAD NO CLUE WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. SHE WOULDN'T /COULDN'T TELL ME WHAT WAS SO URGENT BUT REITERATED THAT IT WAS IMPERATIVE I GET TO THE OFFICE THE NEXT DAY. CUE THE IMPENDING DOOM MUSIC. LET ME JUST SAY I SPENT THE NEXT DAY FEELING AS IF I WERE GONNA BE RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL FOR EMERGENCY SURGERY. I WAS SURE THEY SAW SOMETHING THEY MISSED BEFORE AND THAT MY NUMBER WAS UP. DRAMATIC? MAYBE... BUT I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE THINKING THIS. HOWEVER MY OLD FRIEND (TAKE IT HOW YOU WANT TO "T", YOU ARE OLDER) WHO IS A NURSE TOLD ME THAT MAYBE IT WAS TO TELL ME HE WAS WRONG AND I DIDN'T NEED THE TEST. I LAUGHED BECAUSE WTF KIND OF CRAZY SHIT IS THAT?!?!? IT IS A GOOD THING SHE IS A PEDIATRIC NURSE BECAUSE ONLY KIDS COULD BELIEVE THAT KINDA CRAP. ANYWAY, I WAS STILL GRATEFUL FOR THE POSITIVE THOUGHTS BECAUSE I WAS GETTING DOOMSDAY VIBES FROM EVERYONE ELSE (EVEN MY WIFE WAS GIVING OFF A FEAR I HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE ALTHOUGH SHE WAS THE PICTURE OF STRENGTH ON THE OUTSIDE) ANYWAY, I SPENT MOST OF TUESDAY CRYING, PRAYING, CURSING, CRYING, PRAYING, CURSING ETC... WE GET THERE AN HOUR EARLY (B/C WHO THE HELL KNOWS HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE LEFT, RIGHT?) WE WAIT, I GO IN... NOTHING!!!! HOLY SHIT "T" WAS RIGHT (ONCE IN 26 YEARS. LOL) HE JUST WANTED TO TELL ME THAT THE PET SCAN WAS DENIED (WTF!!!! DIDN'T I ASK ABOUT THIS?!?!?) AND TO TELL ME WHY IT WAS DENIED AND THAT IF HE FELT THAT THERE WAS EVEN A 1% CHANCE THAT THIS WAS THE THYMIC CANCER HE WANTED TO RULE OUT WE WOULD FIGHT IT, BUT THAT HE DOESN'T, SO WE WON'T INSTEAD WE WILL JUST FOLLOW UP WITH A CT SCAN IN MAY... (UMMMM... WASN'T THIS THE FUCKING PLAN ALREADY DOCTOR???) HE DOES FOLLOW UP WITH HE STILL THINKS IT DOES NOT LOOK "KOSHER" BUT THAT HE ISN'T TOO WORRIED? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IF YOU WEREN'T WORRIED WHY ORDER THE TEST WHEN WE WERE GONNA HAVE THE CT ANYWAY? I ASKED HIM IF I SHOULD PULL TOGETHER THE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FOR THE DAMN PET SCAN ANYWAY, BECAUSE IF I SHOULD HAVE IT THEN INSURANCE BE DAMNED I AM GONNA HAVE IT.... HE SAYS NO AND GIVES ME THE WHOLE 1% SPEECH AGAIN.

NOW DO NOT GET ME WRONG... I AM THRILLED THAT I WAS NOT TOLD SOMETHING HORRIBLE WHEN I WENT IN THERE BECAUSE I WAS CONVINCED I WAS DYING. BUT I AM STILL FEELING UNNERVED ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING. WOULDN'T YOU?

this is all I have to say right now

MAYBE I WILL HAVE MORE TO SAY LATER... I AM JUST IN THAT KIND OF PLACE TODAY.

are you serious?!?!? really?!?!?

SO... WE ARE ON HOLD FOR AT LEAST 3 MONTHS. THEY FOUND SOME NODULES IN MY LUNGS AND "RESIDUAL THYMIC TISSUE". EVEN THOUGH MY PULMONOLOGIST ASSURES ME THAT THE NODULES WILL PROBABLY BE NOTHING, PROTOCOL IS TO FOLLOW UP WITH CT SCAN MONITORING EVERY 3 MONTHS FOR 2 YEARS. WHEN HE TOLD ME THAT I FREAKED OUT AND STARTED CRYING. I EXPLAINED FERTILITY WISE, I DON'T HAVE 2 YEARS. IT TURNS OUT HE AND HIS FIANCE ARE GOING TO THE SAME FERTILITY PLACE AS US SO HE UNDERSTOOD. HE MADE ME PROMISE TO GET THE NEXT SCAN IN 3 MONTHS AND THEN SAID IF AT THAT POINT THERE WAS NO CHANGE INT HE NODULES HE WOULD BE WILLING TO "BITE THE BULLET" AND WRITE TO MY RE INFORMING HER THAT IN HIS OPINION THE NODULES POSE NO THREAT AND I COULD CONTINUE TREATMENT. HOWEVER, IF THERE ARE ANY CHANGES, I WOULD HAVE TO TABLE FERTILITY TREATMENT TO HANDLE THOSE ISSUES. HE SAID THE THYMIC ISSUE ISN'T A BIG DEAL GENERALLY. IT IS MORE COMMON THAN NOT AND WOULD PROBABLY NEED NO TREATMENT. HE SAID HE WAS GONNA LOOK AT MY FILMS JUST TO BE SURE HIMSELF AND WOULD CALL ME IF THERE WAS AN ISSUE. I THINK THIS IS AN OK DEAL. I COULD DO 3 MONTHS. I AM NOT EVEN GONNA THING ABOUT 2 YEARS... SO EVEN THOUGH I WAS DISAPPOINTED I WAS OK WITH MY VISIT... UNTIL A FEW DAYS LATER. HE CALLED ME FROM THE IMAGING PLACE TO TELL ME THAT AFTER LOOKING AT MY FILMS THE THYMIC TISSUE MAY BE A PROBLEM AND NEEDS TO BE LOOKED AT WITH A PET SCAN. SO RADIATION ANYONE? YOU KNOW WHAT BURNS MY ASS? THE LAST THING THAT HE SAID TO ME IN HIS OFFICE WAS THAT I AM A HEALTHY WOMAN. I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE THESE LITTLE "HARMLESS ANOMALIES" THAT UNFORTUNATELY HAVE TO BE FOLLOWED UP ON BY A PHYSICIAN ONCE THEY ARE DETECTED EVEN THOUGH THEY MEAN NOTHING. WTF?!?!? SO I AM HEALTHY BUT HAVE SPENT THE LAST I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG IN AND OUT OF DOCTORS FOR NO FREAKING REASON? AND I AM GONNA HAVE TO KEEP GOING JUST IN CASE? OH YEAH AND IF THE DAMN DOCTORS DIDN'T KEEP SENDING ME TO ONE ANOTHER THESE LITTLE THING WOULD GO UNNOTICED AND I COULD GO ON WITH MY FREAKING PLANS? SO BASICALLY BECAUSE EVERY DOCTOR DESPERATELY WANTS TO COVER THEIR OWN ASS "JUST IN CASE" I GET TO PUT MY FERTILITY ISSUES ON THE BACK BURNER WHILE I WATCH MY CLOCK COUNT DOWN? HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOW OVARIAN RESERVE PEOPLE... NO TIME TO WASTE. SO I AM GONNA SIT ON MY ASS AND DO NOTHING FOR THE NEXT 3 FUCKING MONTHS AS FAR AS BABY PLANS GO. I FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING A FIGHT THAT HASN'T EVEN BEGUN.

...AND WE'RE OFF

OK, SO I GOT MY PERMISSION SLIP AND I AM READY TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD... SORT OF. THE QUICK VERSION IS, THE HEMOTOLOGIST RULED OUT ALL KINDS OF SCARY STUFF INCLUDING LEUKEMIA WHICH WAS HIS MAIN CONCERN ALL THE TIME. SO BIG SIGH OF RELIEF. THE CT DID HOWEVER FIND A NODULE ON MY RIGHT LUNG WHICH ANOTHER DOCTOR ACTUALLY FOUND BACK IN APRIL 08 - SO HE SUGGESTS I FOLLOW UP - AND THE CT ALSO SHOWED POSSIBLE UTERINE FIBROIDS... THAT KIND OF SUCKS, BUT WE'LL SEE WHAT THE FAB DR. PARK (OUR RE) SAYS. THE HEMO SAID BASICALLY I JUST HAVE A HIGH WBC COUNT AND IT SEEMS TO BE FOR NO GOOD REASON... I AM SKEPTICAL OF THAT EXPLANATION BUT I AM NO DOCTOR SO I'LL TAKE MY PERMISSION SLIP AND RUN. I ALREADY HAD AN APPOINTMENT SCHEDULED FOR THE RE ON 4/13 BUT JUST TO BE SAFE I FAXED HER MY PAPERS AND ASKED HER TO CALL ME TO SEE IF SHE WANTS TO SEE ME EARLIER. SO WE ARE NOW ON THE ROAD AGAIN. TO CELEBRATE, DAWN AND I BOUGHT A BABY BLANKET YESTERDAY... SO AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED... HERE WE GO.

ALWAYS WAITING AND NEVER A TWW

SO NOW I AM WAITING FOR THE RESULTS OF THE CHEST X-RAY AND ABDOMINAL/PELVIC CT SCANS. I SHOULD HEAR FROM THE DOCTOR EITHER TUESDAY OR WEDNESDAY. I FEEL LIKE I AM ALWAYS WAITING FOR SOMETHING BUT I WILL NEVER GET TO THE INFAMOUS TWW. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I KNOW THAT IF THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME IT IS BETTER TO KNOW THEN NOT, ESPECIALLY SINCE WE ARE TRYING TO TRY AND GET PREGNANT (BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN GIVEN THE PERMISSION TO ACTUALLY TRY YET) HOWEVER, THAT BEING SAID... IT IS VERY DISCOURAGING TO HAVE ALL THIS BACK AND FORTH AND WORRY AND WAITING BEFORE WE EVEN BEGIN TO TRY. I MEAN DON'T THESE DOCTORS KNOW THAT I HAVE LOW OVARIAN RESERVE?!?!? C'MON PEOPLE, THE LONGER I WAIT THE HARDER IT IS GONNA BE!!! I GUESS THAT SOUNDS TOO CRAZY TO ACTUALLY TELL A DOCTOR , BUT EVERY DAY THAT PASSES I GET THAT MUCH CLOSER TO CRAZY ANYWAY. I RESCHEDULED MY RE APPOINTMENT FOR THE NEXT TIME DAWN IS OFF, FREAKING APRIL, BY THAT TIME I HOPE TO HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE ALL CLEAR, AND IF NOT, THEN I HOPE TO AT LEAST KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ME AND IN THE MIDDLE OF KICKING WHATEVER IT IS' ASS!!! ALL THIS RANTING AND RAVING AND IN THE END... I STILL HAVE TO WAIT.

FEBRUARY UPDATE

THE UPDATE IS THIS... THERE IS NONE. I AM STILL BACK AND FORTH TO DOCTORS AND STILL HAVE NOT BEEN CLEARED TO GO BACK TO MY RE. AS IT STANDS I AM BEING SENT TO GET AN ABDOMINAL/PELVIC CT SCAN - MAINLY LOOKING AT MY SPLEEN AND LYMPH NODES. CAN'T IMAGINE HOW VERY SCARY THAT SOUNDS TO ME. I MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR THE RE ANYWAY, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE I AM GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL, I DOUBT I WILL BE CLEARED BY THE 19TH, I HAD A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS/OPTIMISM WHEN I MADE THE APPOINTMENT. IN THE MEANTIME, THE MORE TIME PASSES THE WORSE MY CHANCES AT CONCEIVING BECOME. I CAN'T EVEN PUT WORDS TO HOW I FEEL ABOUT ANY OF THIS EXCEPT TO SAY... THIS FUCKING BLOWS!!!

January sucked...

...and february is gonna start no better.

even though we are off to a bad start

IT SEEMS AS IF MAYBE SOME OF MY OPTIMISM HAS RETURNED FOR NO GOOD REASON. I MEAN AS FAR AS WE ARE CONCERNED WE ARE STILL IN A HOLDING PATTERN WITH THE HEMATOLOGIST. POKE. PROD. REPEAT. STILL NO STA,P OF APPROVAL FROM HIM TO GO BACK TO MY RE AND AS IT STANDS I HAVE TO GET THE LABS DONE AGAIN THIS FRIDAY, IN THE MEANTIME MY LOW NUMBERED EGGS ARE JUST DWINDLING AWAY UNUSED. BUT FUCK IT, I DON'T CARE, I AM NOT GONNA LET ANY OF THAT SHIT WEIGH ME DOWN MORE THEN IT HAS ALREADY. I AM GONNA DO WHAT I CAN AND NOTHING MORE RIGHT NOW. I AM JUST GONNA BE PATIENT AND CALM AND COLLECTED. DID I CONVINCE YOU YET? NO? ME NEITHER. I AN SUPER BUMMED STILL AND JUST GETTING WORSE. I AM TOTALLY LOSING MY MIND. I ALMOST FOLLOWED DAWN'S COUSIN TO HIS CAR ONE DAY TO ASK IF HE WOULD BE OUR DONOR, I SPONTANEOUSLY FOLLOWED HER SISTER IN LAW A COUPLE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS TO TELL HER OUR PLIGHT AND ASK HER FOR HER INFINITE WISDOM - I MEAN, HELL, HER IVF WORKED AND THEN A FEW MONTHS AFTER SHE HAD HER SON SHE WAS PREGNANT AGAIN WITH NO HELP AT ALL THAT TIME, OF COURSE SHE DOES HAVE A FRESH ON DEMAND SUPPLY OF SPERM SO HER ADVICE WAS LIMITED TO WHAT TESTS I SHOULD ASK FOR AND WHAT HOMEOPATHIC REMEDIES I SHOULD TRY. SHE WAS REAL SWEET AND LISTENED INTENTLY, EVEN WHEN I BURST INTO TEARS ABOUT ALL THE BABY STUFF WE HAVE COLLECTED OVER THE YEARS THAT WE MAY HAVE TO PACK UP AND GIVE AWAY. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS GONNA TALK TO HER SO I COULDN'T GIVE MY WIFE THE HEADS UP AND SWORE HER TO SECRECY. IT SUCKED WHEN SHE SAID TOO BAD THERE WEREN'T MORE MEN IN THE FAMILY. I MEAN WHAT DID I EXPECT, FOR HER TO BE LIKE, "HEY, YOU SEEM TO NEED WHAT I HAVE ACCESS TO IN SPADES, HOW ABOUT I LEND YOU SOME?!?!"...LOL. OK, SO MAYBE I DO HAVE A TINY PART OF ME THAT WAS HOPING FOR THE CONVERSATION TO LEAN THAT WAY, BUT MOSTLY I WANTED TO SHARE OUR PAIN AND CONFUSION WITH SOMEONE TANGIBLE. ANYWAY, I AM BATTLING ANOTHER ROUND OF A COLD/FLU/BRONCHITIS/SINUS THING SO I CAN'T REDO MY LABS, PLUS AUNT FLO SHOULD ARRIVE ANY DAY NOW SO THAT DELAYS ME SOME MORE... HOPEFULLY IN ABOUT 2 WEEKS OR SO I CAN HAVE SOME CLOSURE ON THIS CRAP AND BE ABLE TO GO BACK TO ALL THE LOOSE ENDS OF TREATMENT WITH THE RE. IN THE MEANTIME I GO BACK AND FORTH FROM FEELING SAD AND SADDER. IN THE MEANTIME MY BABY JUST CELEBRATED HIS 13TH BIRTHDAY. HE IS AN ACTUAL TEENAGER. IT HAS BEEN A TOTAL PLEASURE BEING HIS MOM, REGARDLESS OF HOW MANY TIMES I WANNA LOCK HIM IN A CLOSET AND THROW AWAY THE KEY WHEN HE GIVES ME THAT I AM THE MAN OF THE HOUSE ATTITUDE. LOL. I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE DAY I HAD HIM IN MY ARMS FOR THE FIRST TIME LIKE IT JUST HAPPENED. I WOULD HAVE TRADED MY LIFE FOR HIM AT THAT MOMENT, AND EVERY MOMENT SINCE. I WAS BORN TO BE HIS MOM I AM SCARED TO TELL HIM ABOUT US WANTING TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY. I MEAN HIM AND RY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 10YRS BUT I KNOW IT WON'T BE THE SAME TO HIM. I DON'T WANT HIM TO FEEL LIKE I AM REPLACING HIM OR LIKE HE ISN'T ENOUGH. I AM SO SCARED. THEN TO TELL HIM AND PUT HIM THROUGH CHANGES FOR NOTHING IF IT DOESN'T WORK... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. I KNOW I DON'T REALLY TALK ABOUT RYAN ON HERE TOO MUCH, IT IS BECAUSE HE IS SUCH AN OPEN KIND OF ROLL WITH IT KIND OF KID. DAVID IS SO COMPLEX. I KNOW RYAN WOULD PROBABLY LOVE A SIBLING. IT IS DAVID THAT WORRIES ME. ANYWAY, I AM GONNA TRY TO STAY POSITIVE, REALLY, I AM... IN MY OWN WAY.