even though we are off to a bad start

IT SEEMS AS IF MAYBE SOME OF MY OPTIMISM HAS RETURNED FOR NO GOOD REASON. I MEAN AS FAR AS WE ARE CONCERNED WE ARE STILL IN A HOLDING PATTERN WITH THE HEMATOLOGIST. POKE. PROD. REPEAT. STILL NO STA,P OF APPROVAL FROM HIM TO GO BACK TO MY RE AND AS IT STANDS I HAVE TO GET THE LABS DONE AGAIN THIS FRIDAY, IN THE MEANTIME MY LOW NUMBERED EGGS ARE JUST DWINDLING AWAY UNUSED. BUT FUCK IT, I DON'T CARE, I AM NOT GONNA LET ANY OF THAT SHIT WEIGH ME DOWN MORE THEN IT HAS ALREADY. I AM GONNA DO WHAT I CAN AND NOTHING MORE RIGHT NOW. I AM JUST GONNA BE PATIENT AND CALM AND COLLECTED. DID I CONVINCE YOU YET? NO? ME NEITHER. I AN SUPER BUMMED STILL AND JUST GETTING WORSE. I AM TOTALLY LOSING MY MIND. I ALMOST FOLLOWED DAWN'S COUSIN TO HIS CAR ONE DAY TO ASK IF HE WOULD BE OUR DONOR, I SPONTANEOUSLY FOLLOWED HER SISTER IN LAW A COUPLE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS TO TELL HER OUR PLIGHT AND ASK HER FOR HER INFINITE WISDOM - I MEAN, HELL, HER IVF WORKED AND THEN A FEW MONTHS AFTER SHE HAD HER SON SHE WAS PREGNANT AGAIN WITH NO HELP AT ALL THAT TIME, OF COURSE SHE DOES HAVE A FRESH ON DEMAND SUPPLY OF SPERM SO HER ADVICE WAS LIMITED TO WHAT TESTS I SHOULD ASK FOR AND WHAT HOMEOPATHIC REMEDIES I SHOULD TRY. SHE WAS REAL SWEET AND LISTENED INTENTLY, EVEN WHEN I BURST INTO TEARS ABOUT ALL THE BABY STUFF WE HAVE COLLECTED OVER THE YEARS THAT WE MAY HAVE TO PACK UP AND GIVE AWAY. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS GONNA TALK TO HER SO I COULDN'T GIVE MY WIFE THE HEADS UP AND SWORE HER TO SECRECY. IT SUCKED WHEN SHE SAID TOO BAD THERE WEREN'T MORE MEN IN THE FAMILY. I MEAN WHAT DID I EXPECT, FOR HER TO BE LIKE, "HEY, YOU SEEM TO NEED WHAT I HAVE ACCESS TO IN SPADES, HOW ABOUT I LEND YOU SOME?!?!"...LOL. OK, SO MAYBE I DO HAVE A TINY PART OF ME THAT WAS HOPING FOR THE CONVERSATION TO LEAN THAT WAY, BUT MOSTLY I WANTED TO SHARE OUR PAIN AND CONFUSION WITH SOMEONE TANGIBLE. ANYWAY, I AM BATTLING ANOTHER ROUND OF A COLD/FLU/BRONCHITIS/SINUS THING SO I CAN'T REDO MY LABS, PLUS AUNT FLO SHOULD ARRIVE ANY DAY NOW SO THAT DELAYS ME SOME MORE... HOPEFULLY IN ABOUT 2 WEEKS OR SO I CAN HAVE SOME CLOSURE ON THIS CRAP AND BE ABLE TO GO BACK TO ALL THE LOOSE ENDS OF TREATMENT WITH THE RE. IN THE MEANTIME I GO BACK AND FORTH FROM FEELING SAD AND SADDER. IN THE MEANTIME MY BABY JUST CELEBRATED HIS 13TH BIRTHDAY. HE IS AN ACTUAL TEENAGER. IT HAS BEEN A TOTAL PLEASURE BEING HIS MOM, REGARDLESS OF HOW MANY TIMES I WANNA LOCK HIM IN A CLOSET AND THROW AWAY THE KEY WHEN HE GIVES ME THAT I AM THE MAN OF THE HOUSE ATTITUDE. LOL. I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE DAY I HAD HIM IN MY ARMS FOR THE FIRST TIME LIKE IT JUST HAPPENED. I WOULD HAVE TRADED MY LIFE FOR HIM AT THAT MOMENT, AND EVERY MOMENT SINCE. I WAS BORN TO BE HIS MOM I AM SCARED TO TELL HIM ABOUT US WANTING TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY. I MEAN HIM AND RY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 10YRS BUT I KNOW IT WON'T BE THE SAME TO HIM. I DON'T WANT HIM TO FEEL LIKE I AM REPLACING HIM OR LIKE HE ISN'T ENOUGH. I AM SO SCARED. THEN TO TELL HIM AND PUT HIM THROUGH CHANGES FOR NOTHING IF IT DOESN'T WORK... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. I KNOW I DON'T REALLY TALK ABOUT RYAN ON HERE TOO MUCH, IT IS BECAUSE HE IS SUCH AN OPEN KIND OF ROLL WITH IT KIND OF KID. DAVID IS SO COMPLEX. I KNOW RYAN WOULD PROBABLY LOVE A SIBLING. IT IS DAVID THAT WORRIES ME. ANYWAY, I AM GONNA TRY TO STAY POSITIVE, REALLY, I AM... IN MY OWN WAY.