I got the Qs... can you help with some As?

OK, SO WE RECENTLY NARROWED DOWN OUR CHOICES TO A TOTAL OF 4 - THEY ARE NOT ALL FROM THE SAME PLACE - THERE ARE 3 PLACES.

SO QUESTION 1 IS DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY PLACES THAT YOU SUGGEST WE STAY AWAY FROM?

OUR #1 PICK, WHO ON PAPER SEEMS ALMOST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE MAY HAVE TO BE TAKEN OFF THE LIST COMPLETELY B/C IT TURNS OUT THAT HIS PLACE MAY NOT ACTUALLY SHIP TO NY. SO WE ARE WAITING TO HEAR FROM THE PLACE.

SO QUESTION 2 IS... HOW WERE YOUR SHIPPING EXPERIENCES? ANY NIGHTMARES? ANYTHING I SHOULD ASK THAT COULD MAKE OR BREAK THE DEAL?

OUR 2ND CHOICE WHO MAY BE MOVING TO THE #1 SPOT IS NOT WITHOUT PROBLEMS EITHER. ALL HE HAS AVAILABLE ARE IUI SAMPLES. BUT HE SEEMS MORE LIKE US, AND HIS BABY PIC COULD EASILY BE PUT RIGHT NEXT TO DAWN'S AND THEY COULD PASS FOR SIBLINGS.

SO QUESTION 3 IS... CAN YOU USE AN IUI SPECIMEN FOR AN AT HOME ICI ? WHAT ARE THE PROS AND CONS OF TRYING THAT?

WE HAVEN'T REALLY LOOKED INTO THE LAST 2 BECAUSE WE ARE REALLY ATTACHED TO THE FIRST 2. WE ALSO REALLY WANTED TO TRY TO DO THIS AT HOME INSTEAD OF AT A DOCTORS OFFICE BUT WE HAVE A LIMIT AS TO HOW MANY TIMES WE WILL TRY AND (BECAUSE OF A FEW CIRCUMSTANCES) WE WILL ONLY HAVE A WINDOW OF A FEW MONTHS DURING WHICH TO TRY.

SO QUESTION 4 IS HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE ONLY TRIED BUT HAVE BEEN SUCCESSFUL AT HOME? HOW MANY HAVE TRIED BOTH AT HOME AND DOCTOR BUT HAVE ONLY BEEN SUCCESSFUL AT DOCTOR?

A FEW PEOPLE HAVE SUGGESTED THAT WE DOUBLE UP SAMPLES TO INCREASE THE NUMBERS AND OUR CHANCES -

SO QUESTION 5 IS DID ANY OF YOU HEAR THE SAME THING? DID ANY OF YOU TRY IT AND FIND SUCCESS?

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST... ANY ADVICE AT ALL THAT YOU CAN GIVE ABOUT THINGS THAT WE SHOULD LOOK FOR OR ASK ABOUT WHEN DEALING WITH A SPERM BANK WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU EVEN READ THIS - I KNOW I READ ALOT MORE BLOGS THEN I COMMENT ON - BUT ANY HELP WOULD BE HELPFUL.

SO MY LAST QUESTION IS MORE A POLITE REQUEST... CAN YOU SHARE SOME OF YOUR EXPERIENCES WITH US?

THANK YOU ALL FOR EVEN STOPPING BY AND READING THIS - IT IS NICE TO KNOW FROM OUR VISITS TO ALL OF YOUR BLOGS THAT MAYBE WE DO NOT HAVE THE SAME STORY AS YOU ALL BUT THERE IS A PIECE OF US THAT WE CAN RECOGNIZE IN ALL OF YOU AND THAT TAKES AWAY SOME OF THE FEAR AND DOUBTS. ALL OF YOUR STRENGTH AND DETERMINATION AND LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER IS UPLIFTING AND SO IMPORTANT TO US. SO WHILE WE MAY NOT COMMENT MUCH AND DO NOT HAVE THE FRIENDSHIPS THAT SOME OF YOU HAVE CREATED... WE JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU... THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SUCH AMAZING PEOPLE... THANK YOU FOR FIGHTING FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN... FOR BELIEVING IN YOURSELVES AND EACHOTHER... AND FOR SHARING YOURSELVES . ALL OF OUR GOOD THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU ALL NO MATTER WHERE IN YOUR JOURNEY YOU ARE. WE ARE RIGHT BESIDE YOU IN SPIRIT.

update

FIRST THING FIRST... The Piglet is ok. The doctors gave him the all clear and said the bigger the head the bigger the brain in his case. I hate it when doctors try to be funny.

As for all of us, we are back from our trip and for the most part it all went well. We had a good time but it was wierd in a way when we were in Disney. the last time we were there the boys were so little and now ... well u can see from the picture they are not little anymore. Dawn and I were exhausted by the time we came home. Definitely not as relaxing as an r family cruise would have been. Maybe next Summer right before we ttc. Well, I am back to work and buried up to the eyeballs with work so I am gonna keep this short.

Mixed Emotions

June 25, 2008 was our 4th wedding anniversary,... yay us!! We have come along way since we got married and it hasn't been easy but it has been soooo worth it. I count myself very lucky to have found someone who gets me as much as she does - and even when she doesn't she loves me anyway.

We have both been a feeling a little "stuck" lately with the whole "gonna ttc" thing so we decided that even though we aren't gonna actually do the actual trying until next Spring/Summer we are gonna pick a donor and buy and store the goods. We are really specific about what we are looking for - basically someone as physically close to Dawn as possible and who shares interests with her and the boys - tall order I am sure but we have found a couple of dudes who actually fit the bill. So I think August we will do a little shop and store. So at least we are ready when able (God knows we are willing)

Anyway, we are going on vacation to Florida very soon and I am totally unprepared. My parents have a summer house down there and we are gonna stay a few days with them at the beginning and a few at the end of our trip, but David went a week ahead. My dad drove down last week, David and my mom flew out yesterday and then Dawn, Ryan and I are following on July 5th. This is the first time David has been away from home for more then a weekend and NEVER out of state without me. Not to mention he and my mom flew without me so I couldn't even talk to him till he landed to see if he was ok. I am sure I am more of a wreck then he is but what can I say, I worry about him. He was doing really well with the Tourettes - it almost seemed to be in "remission" but it is back in full force the last couple of weeks and frankly, I am scared that he may have a really bad time and I won't be there to help. It is the little things that seem to set him off lately - I think puberty is kicking his ass - he goes from acting like a 40 yr old to curling up into a teary eyed 4 yr old. There is not much more I can do for him then I am - doctors, vitamins, patience, love, structure etc... but it kills me that there is nothing that I can do to make it go away - I suffer for him but I would suffer ten thousand fold if it would take it away - I feel helpless - I have to admit, a part of me is scared to pass it on to another baby - even though there is no way to know who he got it from- I am sure there is a good chance on either side and who knows as far as the donor goes - but I am just sick to death over it - I go back and forth in my head but you know, in the end it comes down to I wouldn't take back having David knowing that he has Tourettes so why would I take back wanting to have a baby who even though not made yet is already alive in our minds and hearts.

**** I wrote all of that last Thursday and then edited it today to add what happened Friday and since then****

On Friday my sister took the piglet to his 16 mth Doc appt and called me immediately after hysterical - You see, since he was born there has been some concern about the size of his head - ok, it is a little big, but we all have big heads and my uncles have HUGE heads, so no big concern on our part - but anyway, even though it has been on the higher end of the growth curve it is supposed to be on it has only been a minor concern until now - apparently it jumped off the curve by 2.4 points - so they want my sister to have him have CT scans and MRIs and see a pediatric neurosurgeon - That in itself is horrible and makes me cry even as I sit here to type out the words - I immediately wanted to cancel our trip to which my fiercely pigheaded and stubborn sister said no - she also decided with the urging of my father (which I am torn about) to not tell my mother - my mom has been through ALOT lately and is not well so she feels that until we know more we should not tell her - Fine. It is her decision. So now we wait to see because (thankfully) it was not an emergency situation per the doctors so she has to wait for the referral to go through (her own shitty version of the tww) Now as it stands my parents are both gone and I am leaving Saturday so I hope that I am here for her - none of us will be back until July 16th so I will be sick to death worried about him all the while keeping it from my mom and trying to keep up appearances for the kids - (sorry for the ramble but it just isn't all coming out the way I am thinking it) - This kid is perfectly on track with all his milestones, if not ahead - he is walking and talking and all that good stuff - his face is not misshapen and he hasn't been ill beyond the normal kid stuff - nothing that suggests anything wrong - My poor baby sis is going through some shit right now and I feel helpless to help her or the baby - I am sick with nightmares over this and I feel like I am abandoning her - I have to hear her say she can't live without him and all I want to do is scream and cry, not have to hold it in and tell her everything will be alright when I have no idea whether or not it is the truth - I can't imagine my life without him either but if I close my eyes and search real deep, I know in my heart he is fine - he is just stuck with our big head -but that is not good enough I want her to hear he is fine from that bitch doctor who has no idea how to be sensitive or understanding and has the personality of wet cheese and I want her to say to me that he is fine and I want to get rid of this sick gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.

She had a really rough pregnancy and at one point I even made a deal with God that if He would just let her have a healthy baby I would understand if he never let me have another one, after all, maybe I am selfish for having a 2 children in my family and wanting another one so bad when so many struggle to have just 1 - and so last night I said "That offer still stands God, no take backs, I will still try for Dylan and you can throw whatever you have to at me, just let my sis and the piglet be just fine"

... and now I feel guilty because I know that even saying that out loud sounds sooo bad and is sooo unfair to so many people besides myself, but how many of us find ourselves bargaining with God when we need help? so I am just gonna say this, I have faith that the piglet will be just fine, we all will, and in a few years the piglet and Dylan will be here together running around getting into trouble together - they will be the closest cousins and best friends forever- because I believe that is really what is meant to be. So it sounds a little like a prayer, sue me.

an open letter to my beautiful wife

Dear Dawn,

I just wanted to tell you how very much I love you. It is funny how for two people who so badly want to have a child together, it took a weekend without the two we have already to find ourselves again. I guess because we are always so busy making sure our kids are taken care of that we forget to take care of ourselves and eachother. You know I am a huge baby when it comes to David being gone but this weekend I was able to put that aside and remember what it is to be a couple rather than just a couple of moms. We have never been a couple without children and so our "honeymoon period" burned hot but fast, it was over almost as quickly as it started and we just jumped right into comfortable. It was nice to just spend some time just being Dawn and Michelle. I know that we will be just fine. I know that I love you more each passing day. I know that even though we have had our tough times (and will continue to do so, like everyone else)we are strong enough to weather the storms and catch the rainbow. We are raising some wonderful boys who they themselves will grow up to be wonderful men and I just want you to know that no matter what I could not have done the job with David myself and I can't imagine my life without Ryan. Whether it all works out or not with trying to get pregnant - we are a complete family already - you me and OUR boys. I love you for everything you are, the good, the bad and the ugly, just like you love me. LOL. I appreciate you for everything you do for me and our kids and for your friendship which has been essential in keeping my sanity. Or at least something that sometimes resembles sanity. I love you my Dawnie - Always and Forever and the day after that.

XOXOX

MICHELLE

Alot learned and alot remembered

So... we survived (thanks for asking, Kim) For the most part things went very well. Sadly, my nephew suffers from night terrors, they usually only last 10-20 minutes, but after a long day of fun, settling down in an unfamiliar place for the night proved to be hard. The first night was realllllly rough for all of us. He cried hysterically for almost two hours straight. There was nothing Dawn or I could do or say to console him. He sleeps in the bed with my sister at home, and his favorite nap spot is on a pile of pillows in front of the (purely for decoration) fireplace. I went to our living room, made a mock nap spot and layed with him. NOTHING. Dawn tried to help but her voice, being completely from my sisters and mine seemed to almost make it worse, coupled with the fact that the next morning we were on an early drive to PA - I told her to go to bed since she had to be rested to drive. So it was just me and the piglet. Anybody who knows about night terrors knows that for the most part the child is usually asleep while they occur, even if their eyes are open, you are not suppossed to wake them and there is not much you can do except ride it out. So we did - he and I both cried and cuddled and clung to eachother until the worst was over. Funny enough, this is not the first time I have dealt with night terrors, David had them from the ages of 2-5 and he still sleep walks sometimes. My dad also suffered from them and sleepwalking when he was a child. Apparently, this is hereditary. The piglet seems to have gotten them full blast early on - hopefully he will outgrow them.

So... knowing that nights were gonna stress him so bad my dad and I worked out a system after that first night (Saturday) I kept him all day Sunday till 10pm, then he came and got him and took him to my sister's house where he would at least be somewhere familiar, I stayed home from work Monday and kept him from noon till 10pm when my dad took him again and Tuesday I took him from 5pm when I got home from work until my sis got home @ 8 pm. It seemed to work. He had a few episodes at his house but they were ALOT shorter and less traumatizing then the one he had at my house. There was so much I had forgotten about dealing with a baby - I had my moments of tears and asking Dawn how we can possibly do this all over again?!? but we made it through it and when it was over, we missed him terribly and our home didn't feel the same without him. By the end of Tuesday I came to the conclusion that I think we'll be ok.

This Friday - Sunday we went to family camp for the fourth year in a row. It is held in Newton, New Jersey at the Fairview Lake YMCA campground. It is amazing, the people are fantastic and we always have great fun. Ryan hit a bullseye at archery for the first time and David got training so he can run some activities on his own next year. He can't wait to be old enough to apply as a counselor. At 16 he can take a course and at 17 he can work. All in all the last week or so went very well.

AND THEN... The weekend hit a rough patch yesterday. Dawn and I had a really bad fight. As usual it involved the kids and our differences in parenting. I said some things I really started to regret as the worda came out of my mouth and I hope we can get past them. It seems like everytime we take two steps forward we take a huge one back. There are so many things we disagree on when it comes to the kids, I hope that we agree on enough of them to not fuck this all up. I love her with all of my heart and I want this all to work, but I always feel torn between her and David. I don't know how to get past that. I don't think it should ever come down to choosing between your child and your partner, but I can honestly say that most times it feels like that is exactly what they want me to do. Maybe it isn't, maybe it's just me, maybe I have my own issues I need to work out before I can expect anyone else to work on theirs, but I don't think either one of them wants to admit their part in the problem. I feel broken inside.

The make it or break it weekend

So the piglet is gonna be with us for four days starting Saturday. My sister jokes that the next four days will either seal or break the deal when it comes to wanting to have another baby. See that smile on his face? That is the smile of a kid who is up to no damn good. LOL. Actually, he is a great kid, funny and loving but he does have a temper and he is used to getting away with murder with his mommy. So it should be an interesting few days. His mom and dad never got a honeymoon so they are going to the Dominican Repupblic from Saturday to Tuesday. My poor sister has been crying non-stop since she booked the trip. She has been so sad but I think she needs the break. Her husband works 1 full and 2 part time jobs so she can stay home with the baby and as great as that is, it basically means she has no help at home from him even when he's there. I have been a stay at home mom and a working mom, and in my opinion, even though it is the best feeling in the world to get to be with your baby every minute of the day, it is alot harder physically and emotionally sometimes to stay at home. Luckily, my parents and I visit regularly and help as much as we can, but for a young, newlywed mom, there is nothing like having your partner with you. So she has been running ragged and kind of depressed. I think the trip will giver her and her hubby some time to reconnect and remember what it is like to be a couple as well as a family. I hope she has fun. I am looking forward to spending time with the piglet although I am a little concerned because my sis and I have very different parenting styles and I am worried the differences will stress/piss the piglet off. I am pretty confident we will be ok though. (I hope). On Saturday, per my sis, we are taking the piglet to get a haircut and then Dawn and I are gonna take him to Manhattan to a street fair. On Sunday, Dawn, myself, David, Ryan and the piglet will be heading to Pennsylvania to see Dawn's nephew,Ethan, for his first birthday. It will be fun to see them interact. Then, since we both have work Monday and Tuesday, my parents will watch him while we are at work and then we will take him back - funny how they got out of watching him at night, huh? We bought our own car seat and baby gate and are gonna tighten up the house and piglet proof it as much as possible.

All this planning for a few days of babysitting has gotten me thinking alot about having Dylan. I was basically home with David or took him to work with me until he was almost 4 yrs old. Dawn was in the same situation with Ry until he was 3. Both Dawn and I would always choose to stay home if we could but I know this time around we are not going to be able to do that. So we are gonna try and plan to have Dylan close enough to Summer so I can take my 6 wks at the same time as Dawn takes hers , then I can take another 2 by myself, with her not far away, she works across the street from our house and then when I go back to work she'll be home for the Summer. But that leaves us in a situation that scares the hell out of me... finding childcare for a baby under 5 months. I don't even know where to begin to try and get my mind around the idea. I know I am getting way ahead of myself in worrying since right now as far as we've gone in this ttc process is to narrow down our donor choices ( I think we are gonna purchase now and store for later since we are looking for very specific donor qualities that we may not find later) This whole plan, by the way, gives us a tiny window of opportunity to even ttc because we need to get the timing right for it to work. HOLY SHIT!!! I just stresses myself out.

So back to my point... the next few days will put us to the test at dealing with a baby together for more than a night. I know that sometimes we both worry about how it will work for us when we try to do this toghether. I know sometimes we are both scared about whether or not it will bring us even closer together as a family or tear us apart as a couple. Even if we don't say it aloud, I know the concerns are there. With one failed marriage behind us each, sometimes I worry if the end will justify the means. All the time I know that sometimes the very things we want the most are the things that are the hardest to hold onto once we have them.

Well, I am just a freaking ray of sunshine aren't I? Hope you all have a great weekend and that you are all less burdened by these maddening "what ifs" than I am.

much luv and success to all

Michelle

Taking it all off

...the weight that is...

I have never been a skinny Minnie except when I was like 14 yrs old and anorexic. (but that is a whole other thing and I would never want to be there again) but this is nuts. I am the heaviest I have ever been including when I was pregnant with David who was a fairly big baby measuring in at 8lbs 5oz, 20 1/2 inch long at 42 1/2 weeks. I gained over 60lbs with him just between the 5th month and delivery. Since then I have struggled with losing weight (although about 6 yrs ago I lost over 40) - It is a vicious cycle - For the most part I never look my weight so I just keep going but for the first time I looked in the mirror and saw every ounce looking back at me. Something has got to give.

So today is the first day of my diet. Dawn is gonna diet right along with me although she will be done ALOT sooner than I. She only has like 15 maybe 20lbs to lose. I won't tell you how much I need to lose because I don't even believe it when I hear it myself but let's just say I expect I am in this or the long haul and I am looking at at least a year before I am at least most of the way there. That's ok. I just want to lose as much as I can so that I am at a safer weight for next Summer when we try insemination for the first time. My health isn't bad but my weight is and there are a few issues that should be addressed before I try and carry a baby. Not to mention, I feel like shit lately. I am very depressed about how big I have gotten and disgusted with myslef for taking so long to address it. So I am gonna take it all off and then be able to put some back on a few months later when we get pregnant, safely and in a healthy way.

I am thinking positive thoughts all the way through to the end. In the meantime we will try to be patient and know that every pound I lose is one baby step forward.