January sucked...

...and february is gonna start no better.

even though we are off to a bad start

IT SEEMS AS IF MAYBE SOME OF MY OPTIMISM HAS RETURNED FOR NO GOOD REASON. I MEAN AS FAR AS WE ARE CONCERNED WE ARE STILL IN A HOLDING PATTERN WITH THE HEMATOLOGIST. POKE. PROD. REPEAT. STILL NO STA,P OF APPROVAL FROM HIM TO GO BACK TO MY RE AND AS IT STANDS I HAVE TO GET THE LABS DONE AGAIN THIS FRIDAY, IN THE MEANTIME MY LOW NUMBERED EGGS ARE JUST DWINDLING AWAY UNUSED. BUT FUCK IT, I DON'T CARE, I AM NOT GONNA LET ANY OF THAT SHIT WEIGH ME DOWN MORE THEN IT HAS ALREADY. I AM GONNA DO WHAT I CAN AND NOTHING MORE RIGHT NOW. I AM JUST GONNA BE PATIENT AND CALM AND COLLECTED. DID I CONVINCE YOU YET? NO? ME NEITHER. I AN SUPER BUMMED STILL AND JUST GETTING WORSE. I AM TOTALLY LOSING MY MIND. I ALMOST FOLLOWED DAWN'S COUSIN TO HIS CAR ONE DAY TO ASK IF HE WOULD BE OUR DONOR, I SPONTANEOUSLY FOLLOWED HER SISTER IN LAW A COUPLE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS TO TELL HER OUR PLIGHT AND ASK HER FOR HER INFINITE WISDOM - I MEAN, HELL, HER IVF WORKED AND THEN A FEW MONTHS AFTER SHE HAD HER SON SHE WAS PREGNANT AGAIN WITH NO HELP AT ALL THAT TIME, OF COURSE SHE DOES HAVE A FRESH ON DEMAND SUPPLY OF SPERM SO HER ADVICE WAS LIMITED TO WHAT TESTS I SHOULD ASK FOR AND WHAT HOMEOPATHIC REMEDIES I SHOULD TRY. SHE WAS REAL SWEET AND LISTENED INTENTLY, EVEN WHEN I BURST INTO TEARS ABOUT ALL THE BABY STUFF WE HAVE COLLECTED OVER THE YEARS THAT WE MAY HAVE TO PACK UP AND GIVE AWAY. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS GONNA TALK TO HER SO I COULDN'T GIVE MY WIFE THE HEADS UP AND SWORE HER TO SECRECY. IT SUCKED WHEN SHE SAID TOO BAD THERE WEREN'T MORE MEN IN THE FAMILY. I MEAN WHAT DID I EXPECT, FOR HER TO BE LIKE, "HEY, YOU SEEM TO NEED WHAT I HAVE ACCESS TO IN SPADES, HOW ABOUT I LEND YOU SOME?!?!"...LOL. OK, SO MAYBE I DO HAVE A TINY PART OF ME THAT WAS HOPING FOR THE CONVERSATION TO LEAN THAT WAY, BUT MOSTLY I WANTED TO SHARE OUR PAIN AND CONFUSION WITH SOMEONE TANGIBLE. ANYWAY, I AM BATTLING ANOTHER ROUND OF A COLD/FLU/BRONCHITIS/SINUS THING SO I CAN'T REDO MY LABS, PLUS AUNT FLO SHOULD ARRIVE ANY DAY NOW SO THAT DELAYS ME SOME MORE... HOPEFULLY IN ABOUT 2 WEEKS OR SO I CAN HAVE SOME CLOSURE ON THIS CRAP AND BE ABLE TO GO BACK TO ALL THE LOOSE ENDS OF TREATMENT WITH THE RE. IN THE MEANTIME I GO BACK AND FORTH FROM FEELING SAD AND SADDER. IN THE MEANTIME MY BABY JUST CELEBRATED HIS 13TH BIRTHDAY. HE IS AN ACTUAL TEENAGER. IT HAS BEEN A TOTAL PLEASURE BEING HIS MOM, REGARDLESS OF HOW MANY TIMES I WANNA LOCK HIM IN A CLOSET AND THROW AWAY THE KEY WHEN HE GIVES ME THAT I AM THE MAN OF THE HOUSE ATTITUDE. LOL. I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE DAY I HAD HIM IN MY ARMS FOR THE FIRST TIME LIKE IT JUST HAPPENED. I WOULD HAVE TRADED MY LIFE FOR HIM AT THAT MOMENT, AND EVERY MOMENT SINCE. I WAS BORN TO BE HIS MOM I AM SCARED TO TELL HIM ABOUT US WANTING TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY. I MEAN HIM AND RY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 10YRS BUT I KNOW IT WON'T BE THE SAME TO HIM. I DON'T WANT HIM TO FEEL LIKE I AM REPLACING HIM OR LIKE HE ISN'T ENOUGH. I AM SO SCARED. THEN TO TELL HIM AND PUT HIM THROUGH CHANGES FOR NOTHING IF IT DOESN'T WORK... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. I KNOW I DON'T REALLY TALK ABOUT RYAN ON HERE TOO MUCH, IT IS BECAUSE HE IS SUCH AN OPEN KIND OF ROLL WITH IT KIND OF KID. DAVID IS SO COMPLEX. I KNOW RYAN WOULD PROBABLY LOVE A SIBLING. IT IS DAVID THAT WORRIES ME. ANYWAY, I AM GONNA TRY TO STAY POSITIVE, REALLY, I AM... IN MY OWN WAY.

denied...for now

PERMISSION TO GO BACK FOR FERTILITY TREATMENT DENIED... FOR NOW. LAST WEEK I WENT TO THE HEMATOLOGIST AND IT SEEMED LIKE EVERYTHING WAS OK. SORT OF. HE DID SOME BLOOD WORK IN OFFICE AND THAT CAME BACK OK. JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE HE SENT IT OUT FOR MORE EXTENSIVE TESTING AS WELL AS URINE. SO OFF I WENT FIRST THING THIS MORNING FOR A 6AM RESULTS APPOINTMENT. I AM A TOTAL HALF GLASS EMPTY KIND OF PERSON SOMETIMES. IF I EVEN GET THE INKLING THAT SOMETHING BAD MAY HAPPEN I START TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR THE WORST. THAT IS HOW I AM. I GET IT FROM MY MOM. THAT IS HOW I HAVE MANAGED TO SURVIVE A LOT OF SHITTY THINGS. WELL, FOR THE LAST WEEK I HAVE LISTENED TO EVERYONE TELL ME IT IS ALL GONNA BE OK AND THAT IT'S NOTHING. I LET MYSELF BELIEVE THAT. I WENT IN THIS MORNING WITH NOT A CARE IN THE WORLD EAGERLY WAITING TO GET THE OK. THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND TOLD ME "EVERYTHING CAME BACK OK, NOT GOOD, NOT BAD JUST OK." HE SAID THAT HE DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT HE HAD THE RECEPTIONIST START WRITING MY PERMISSION SLIP. I PUT MY COAT ON. HE CAME BACK AND SAID HE WANTED TO RUN THE IN OFFICE AGAIN. SO JACKET OFF, BLOOD WORK DONE, RESULTS... WORSE THAN THE LAST TIME. HE HAD ME LAY DOWN, POKED MY HIPS (I LET OUT SUCH A SCREAM WHEN SHE TOUCHED MY LEFT HIP) AND ACROSS MY LOWER BACK. HE TOLD ME HE WANTS TO DO A BONE MARROW ASPIRATION. WHAT THE FUCK!!???!!! HE TOOK SOME MORE URINE AND TOLD ME TO CALL TUESDAY TO MAKE SURE IT IS ALL CLEAR OF BACTERIA. IF NOT THEN I GET ANTIBIOTICS TILL ITS CLEAR BEFORE I CAN SCHEDULE THE PROCEDURE. IT HAS TO BE DONE IN THE HOSPITAL UNDER SEDATION. HE LEFT ME THERE, SLACK JAWED IN THE DOORWAY HE WALKED TO THE RECEPTIONIST PICKED UP MY RELEASE FOR TREATMENT AND RIPPED IT UP. YES FOLKS, HE RIPPED IT UP. HOW FUCKING SYMBOLIC IS THAT. THAT IS EXACTLY HOW MY HEART FELT. SO TUESDAY I SHOULD KNOW MORE. UNTIL THEN I AM STICKING TO BEING PESSIMISTIC... THERE IS SO MUCH LESS DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN YOU EXPECT THE WORSE FROM THE START.


*** UPDATE***

SO YESTERDAY THEY SCHEDULED ME FOR THE BONE MARROW ASPIRATION FOR 12/5 - I PUT IN FOR THE DAY OFF, MADE ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE KIDS SO ON AND SO ON. THIS MORNING I GET A CALL AT 6:45AM FROM THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - THEY HAVE TO CANCEL THE APPOINTMENT BECAUSE MY URINE CAME BACK FUCKED UP AGAIN - HE WANTS ME TO SEE A KIDNEY SPECIALIST TO GET CLEARANCE FOR THE BONE MARROW ASPIRATION. OK, SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? I NEED TO GET PERMISSION FROM THE KIDNEY GUY TO BE TREATED BY THE BLOOD GUY TO BE TREATED BY THE FERTILITY LADY - I MEAN HOW MANY HORNY STUPID STRAIGHT TEENS GET KNOCKED UP THEIR FIRST TIME AROUND WITHOUT SO MUCH AS PERMISSION FROM THEIR PARENTS AND NOW I GOTTA GET A MILLION AND ONE FUCKING PERMISSION SLIPS JUST TO TRY AND GET PREGNANT. MIND YOU, AT THIS POINT IT IS STILL UNCLEAR WHETHER OR NOT THAT IS EVEN GONNA BE POSSIBLE. I JUST WANT 1 CLEAR ANSWER. IS THERE A FORM SOMEWHERE I HAVE TO FILL OUT IN TRIPLICATE TO ASK FOR PERMISSION FOR THAT?

***2ND VERSE SAME AS THE FIRST***

SO NO KIDNEY SPECIALIST - INSTEAD MY PRIMARY DR PU TME ON SOME HARDCORE DOUBLE ANTIBIOTIC FOR 10 DAYS THEN I HAVE TO REDO THE BLOOD AND URINE TO SEE WHAT IS WHAT - IF THE WBC COUNT IS STILL HIGH BUT THE BACTERIA COUNT IS GONE THEN I WILL 99.9% HAVE TO DO THE BONE MARROW ASPIRATION. EITHER WAY SHE IS GONNA WANT TO DO MY CBC MORE OFTEN JUST TO MAKE SURE THEN I GUESS ONCE THIS IS ALL CLEAR... IT BETTER... I WILL HEAD BACK TO MY RE.

ALL CLEAR...NOT

SO APPARENTLY, NOW I NEED A FREAKING PERMISSION SLIP TO TTC. OUR RE CALLED ON WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON, OF COURSE, I MISSED THE CALL AND SHE LEFT A MESSAGE. MY REDO CBC RESULTS ARE IN. MY PLATELETS ARE NORMAL BUT MY WBC ARE STILL ELEVATED, APPARENTLY MORE SO THAN THE LAST TIME. SO SHE WENT ON TO SAY THAT WHILE THIS MAY BE NOTHING, IT MAY BE SOMETHING SO SHE WANTS ME TO SEE A HEMATOLOGIST. I AM SUPPOSED TO TAKE ALL MY BLOOD TEST RESULTS TO HIM AND THEN GET HIM TO CHECK ME OUT, IF ALL IS OK I NEED "A NOTE SAYING THAT I AM OK TO TRY AND GET PREGNANT, EITHER ON A PRESCRIPTION PAD OR DOCTOR'S LETTERHEAD: NO, SERIOUSLY, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. IF THIS WHOLE THING WASN'T SO FREAKING UPSETTING I WOULD TOTALLY LAUGH MY ASS OFF. THIS IS SO MUCH WORK AND THE HARD PART HASN'T EVEN STARTED. EVERY TIME I MAKE PEACE WITH THE LAST LITTLE SETBACK AND PULL MYSELF UP TO MOVE ON I GET HIT WITH SOMETHING ELSE. SO TODAY I HAVE TO GO SEE MY PRIMARY PHYSICIAN WHO I NOW HAVE TO EXPLAIN ALL THIS TO, GET A REFERRAL, CAUSE MY INSURANCE SUCKS, AND SEE A HEMATOLOGIST, WHOSE NAME IS DR. FUK, HOLD LAUGHTER, NEXT WEEK. WHEN WE DECIDED TO TTC THIS UPCOMING SUMMER, IT FELT LIKE SUCH A LONG WAY OFF, JUST A REALLY LONG TIME OF DOING NOTHING BUT WAITING, IT TURNS OUT THAT ALL THE TIME FROM HERE TO THERE IS GONNA BE PUT TO USE AFTER ALL. OH LORDY I NEED A VACATION.

THAT'S ALL WE NEED... AND THAT'S ALL I MAY HAVE

SO, HERE IS THE LATEST UPDATE... I WAS HAVING A HORRIBLE DAY ON FRIDAY. I HAD TO DROP MY CLASSES FOR THIS SEMESTER BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN REALLY OVERWHELMED AND STRESSED LATELY WHICH CAUSED ME TO FALL REALLY BEHIND. RATHER THEN HAVE MY GPA FALL I WITHDREW. SO THAT IS GONNA SET ME BACK SOME. ANYWAY WHEN I CAME OUT OF SCHOOL I HAD A MESS AGE FROM THE RE. THE GOOD NEWS WAS MY PAP CAME BACK FINE. THE BAD NEWS... THE MIS RESULTS. ACCORDING TO THE DOC, SHE IDEALLY WOULD LIKE A PATIENT TO HAVE A MINIMUM EGG COUNT OF .4 FOR IUI. I AM AT .27 - I AM NOT GOOD AT MATH BUT CLEARLY THIS IS NOT A GOOD NUMBER. SHE WENT ON TO SAY THAT SHE WAS SURPRISED IT WAS SO LOW... SHE WAS SURPRISED?!?! WTF??? I AM THE ONE THAT IS FUCKING SURPRISED. ANYWAY, THE MESSAGE SAID THAT EVEN THOUGH DAWN AND I MADE IT CLEAR THAT IVF IS NOT AN OPTION FOR US, IF WE CHANGE OUR MIND, SHE FEELS WE WOULD BE BETTER SUITED FOR IVF THAN IUI, WE SHOULD MAKES MOVES SOON BECAUSE AS TIME PASSES MY EGGS DECREASE AS DO MY CHANCES (CUE THE TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY FACE WHILE ON THE BUS) SHE SAID IF WE STILL WANTED TO GO THROUGH WITH THE IUI WE COULD WITH OR WITHOUT THE MEDS - AND WE DON'T EVEN NEED TO MAKE ANOTHER APPOINTMENT TILL I HAVE MY 2ND DAY BLOOD TEST DURING THE CYCLE WE CHOOSE AND TO JUST MAKE SURE THE SWIMMERS ARE THERE AND THAT WE HAVE TAKEN THE IUI CLASS. SOOO, I HANG UP AND SOB, STILL ON THE BUS. I GET HOME @ 2 AND TEXT DAWN WHO WAS STILL AT WORK - AND WAITED FOR HER TO GET HOME. WE DECIDED TO GO FORWARD AS PLANNED BUT I HAVE TO SAY I AM FEELING A LITTLE DEJECTED AND LIKE I HAVE ALREADY LET DAWN DOWN. WE ARE SHORT ON EGGS BUT I AM SURE THE ONES WE HAVE ARE GOOD ONES AND WILL DO JUST FINE. DID THAT SOUND CONVINCING ENOUGH? ANYBODY ELSE HAVE THIS # PROBLEM BUT HAVE SUCCESS WITH IUI?

update - more crappy news than good

OK, SO HERE IS THE LATEST UPDATE. ONLY SOME OF MY TEST RESULTS ARE BACK. MIS AND PAP RESULTS ARE STILL NOT IN. THE DOCTOR CALLED ME YESTERDAY AND TOLD ME THAT I AM ANEMIC... SEVERELY ANEMIC. I NEED TO TAKE EXTRA IRON AS WELL AS PRENATALS. ALSO, I HAVE TO REPEAT MY CBC BLOOD WORK. MY PLATELET AND WBC COUNTS WERE OFF. SO BACK I GO ON MONDAY TO GET MORE BLOOD TAKEN... HELLO, I AM ANEMIC, DON'T I NEED TO KEEP MY BLOOD???!?!! I AM ALSO CMV- , SHE SAYS THIS MEANS SHE WOULD PREFER IF WE PICK A CMV- DONOR, BUT THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO. APPARENTLY MOST PEOPLE TEST CMV+ SO WE'LL SEE IF OUR CHOICES ARE LIMITED EVEN MORE BY THIS LITTLE BIT OF NEWS. SHOULD BE ANOTHER WEEK OR SO BEFORE I HAVE THE OTHER RESULTS... WHAT HAPPENED TO I SHOULD HAVE THEM ALL BACK IN 2 WEEKS?!?!? ANYWAY, I AM TOTALLY PMSing AND I HAVE HAD A REALLY SHITTY TIME LATELY SO EXCUSE THE CRANKY ASS BEHAVIOR. HOPE ALL IS WELL FOR EVERYONE ELSE OUT THERE IN BABYMAKING LAND.

just another day in the life

SO THE OTHER DAY I RECEIVED A LETTER IN THE MAIL FROM MY INSURANCE WITH SOME INFO ON INFERTILITY COVERAGE. IT LISTED A WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS THAT I AM APPROVED FOR SUCH AS ULTRASOUNDS AND MEDS AND TESTS. HOWEVER, I HAVE TO DO THE THINGS LISTED BY THE END OF DECEMBER. I AM FEELING A LITTLE RUSHED. WE WERE HOPING TO BE ABLE TO DO THINGS NICE AND SLOW WITH THE RE SO WE CAN GET A GOOD GRASP ON EVERYTHING SHE SAYS. I GUESS WE HAVE TO PICK UP THE PACE. ANYWAY, YESTERDAY I WENT FOR A PAP (EWW AND OUCH) AND MORE BLOOD WORK (I SWEAR SHE USED AN ICE PICK AND A BUCKET). ANYWAY, SO NOW WE WAIT FOR THE RESULTS OF THE MIS TEST, THE PAP AND CULTURES AND THE MULTITUDE OF BLOOD WORK SHE DID YESTERDAY (SHE TOOK 7 VIALS PEOPLE, AND ONE OF THE THINGS SHE IS CHECKING IS ANEMIA) AS FAR AS DONORS GO, CCB ONLY HAS 12 WHO MEET OUR BASIC CRITERIA AND OF THOSE 3 ARE OUT OFF THE BAT AND 1 DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW - SO WE HAVE 8 THAT WE HAVE TO LOOK THROUGH AND DECIDE FROM OR WE CAN TRY AND WAIT IT OUT A LITTLE LONGER TO SEE IF THE CHOICES GET BETTER. IN THE MEANTIME, I HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH ALL OF YOU AND YOURS . MUCH LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL OF YOU.