Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Alot learned and alot remembered

So... we survived (thanks for asking, Kim) For the most part things went very well. Sadly, my nephew suffers from night terrors, they usually only last 10-20 minutes, but after a long day of fun, settling down in an unfamiliar place for the night proved to be hard. The first night was realllllly rough for all of us. He cried hysterically for almost two hours straight. There was nothing Dawn or I could do or say to console him. He sleeps in the bed with my sister at home, and his favorite nap spot is on a pile of pillows in front of the (purely for decoration) fireplace. I went to our living room, made a mock nap spot and layed with him. NOTHING. Dawn tried to help but her voice, being completely from my sisters and mine seemed to almost make it worse, coupled with the fact that the next morning we were on an early drive to PA - I told her to go to bed since she had to be rested to drive. So it was just me and the piglet. Anybody who knows about night terrors knows that for the most part the child is usually asleep while they occur, even if their eyes are open, you are not suppossed to wake them and there is not much you can do except ride it out. So we did - he and I both cried and cuddled and clung to eachother until the worst was over. Funny enough, this is not the first time I have dealt with night terrors, David had them from the ages of 2-5 and he still sleep walks sometimes. My dad also suffered from them and sleepwalking when he was a child. Apparently, this is hereditary. The piglet seems to have gotten them full blast early on - hopefully he will outgrow them.
So... knowing that nights were gonna stress him so bad my dad and I worked out a system after that first night (Saturday) I kept him all day Sunday till 10pm, then he came and got him and took him to my sister's house where he would at least be somewhere familiar, I stayed home from work Monday and kept him from noon till 10pm when my dad took him again and Tuesday I took him from 5pm when I got home from work until my sis got home @ 8 pm. It seemed to work. He had a few episodes at his house but they were ALOT shorter and less traumatizing then the one he had at my house. There was so much I had forgotten about dealing with a baby - I had my moments of tears and asking Dawn how we can possibly do this all over again?!? but we made it through it and when it was over, we missed him terribly and our home didn't feel the same without him. By the end of Tuesday I came to the conclusion that I think we'll be ok.
This Friday - Sunday we went to family camp for the fourth year in a row. It is held in Newton, New Jersey at the Fairview Lake YMCA campground. It is amazing, the people are fantastic and we always have great fun. Ryan hit a bullseye at archery for the first time and David got training so he can run some activities on his own next year. He can't wait to be old enough to apply as a counselor. At 16 he can take a course and at 17 he can work. All in all the last week or so went very well.
AND THEN... The weekend hit a rough patch yesterday. Dawn and I had a really bad fight. As usual it involved the kids and our differences in parenting. I said some things I really started to regret as the worda came out of my mouth and I hope we can get past them. It seems like everytime we take two steps forward we take a huge one back. There are so many things we disagree on when it comes to the kids, I hope that we agree on enough of them to not fuck this all up. I love her with all of my heart and I want this all to work, but I always feel torn between her and David. I don't know how to get past that. I don't think it should ever come down to choosing between your child and your partner, but I can honestly say that most times it feels like that is exactly what they want me to do. Maybe it isn't, maybe it's just me, maybe I have my own issues I need to work out before I can expect anyone else to work on theirs, but I don't think either one of them wants to admit their part in the problem. I feel broken inside.

Friday, May 16, 2008

The make it or break it weekend

So the piglet is gonna be with us for four days starting Saturday. My sister jokes that the next four days will either seal or break the deal when it comes to wanting to have another baby. See that smile on his face? That is the smile of a kid who is up to no damn good. LOL. Actually, he is a great kid, funny and loving but he does have a temper and he is used to getting away with murder with his mommy. So it should be an interesting few days. His mom and dad never got a honeymoon so they are going to the Dominican Repupblic from Saturday to Tuesday. My poor sister has been crying non-stop since she booked the trip. She has been so sad but I think she needs the break. Her husband works 1 full and 2 part time jobs so she can stay home with the baby and as great as that is, it basically means she has no help at home from him even when he's there. I have been a stay at home mom and a working mom, and in my opinion, even though it is the best feeling in the world to get to be with your baby every minute of the day, it is alot harder physically and emotionally sometimes to stay at home. Luckily, my parents and I visit regularly and help as much as we can, but for a young, newlywed mom, there is nothing like having your partner with you. So she has been running ragged and kind of depressed. I think the trip will giver her and her hubby some time to reconnect and remember what it is like to be a couple as well as a family. I hope she has fun. I am looking forward to spending time with the piglet although I am a little concerned because my sis and I have very different parenting styles and I am worried the differences will stress/piss the piglet off. I am pretty confident we will be ok though. (I hope). On Saturday, per my sis, we are taking the piglet to get a haircut and then Dawn and I are gonna take him to Manhattan to a street fair. On Sunday, Dawn, myself, David, Ryan and the piglet will be heading to Pennsylvania to see Dawn's nephew,Ethan, for his first birthday. It will be fun to see them interact. Then, since we both have work Monday and Tuesday, my parents will watch him while we are at work and then we will take him back - funny how they got out of watching him at night, huh? We bought our own car seat and baby gate and are gonna tighten up the house and piglet proof it as much as possible.

All this planning for a few days of babysitting has gotten me thinking alot about having Dylan. I was basically home with David or took him to work with me until he was almost 4 yrs old. Dawn was in the same situation with Ry until he was 3. Both Dawn and I would always choose to stay home if we could but I know this time around we are not going to be able to do that. So we are gonna try and plan to have Dylan close enough to Summer so I can take my 6 wks at the same time as Dawn takes hers , then I can take another 2 by myself, with her not far away, she works across the street from our house and then when I go back to work she'll be home for the Summer. But that leaves us in a situation that scares the hell out of me... finding childcare for a baby under 5 months. I don't even know where to begin to try and get my mind around the idea. I know I am getting way ahead of myself in worrying since right now as far as we've gone in this ttc process is to narrow down our donor choices ( I think we are gonna purchase now and store for later since we are looking for very specific donor qualities that we may not find later) This whole plan, by the way, gives us a tiny window of opportunity to even ttc because we need to get the timing right for it to work. HOLY SHIT!!! I just stresses myself out.

So back to my point... the next few days will put us to the test at dealing with a baby together for more than a night. I know that sometimes we both worry about how it will work for us when we try to do this toghether. I know sometimes we are both scared about whether or not it will bring us even closer together as a family or tear us apart as a couple. Even if we don't say it aloud, I know the concerns are there. With one failed marriage behind us each, sometimes I worry if the end will justify the means. All the time I know that sometimes the very things we want the most are the things that are the hardest to hold onto once we have them.

Well, I am just a freaking ray of sunshine aren't I? Hope you all have a great weekend and that you are all less burdened by these maddening "what ifs" than I am.

much luv and success to all