Friday, November 21, 2008
PERMISSION TO GO BACK FOR FERTILITY TREATMENT DENIED... FOR NOW. LAST WEEK I WENT TO THE HEMATOLOGIST AND IT SEEMED LIKE EVERYTHING WAS OK. SORT OF. HE DID SOME BLOOD WORK IN OFFICE AND THAT CAME BACK OK. JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE HE SENT IT OUT FOR MORE EXTENSIVE TESTING AS WELL AS URINE. SO OFF I WENT FIRST THING THIS MORNING FOR A 6AM RESULTS APPOINTMENT. I AM A TOTAL HALF GLASS EMPTY KIND OF PERSON SOMETIMES. IF I EVEN GET THE INKLING THAT SOMETHING BAD MAY HAPPEN I START TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR THE WORST. THAT IS HOW I AM. I GET IT FROM MY MOM. THAT IS HOW I HAVE MANAGED TO SURVIVE A LOT OF SHITTY THINGS. WELL, FOR THE LAST WEEK I HAVE LISTENED TO EVERYONE TELL ME IT IS ALL GONNA BE OK AND THAT IT'S NOTHING. I LET MYSELF BELIEVE THAT. I WENT IN THIS MORNING WITH NOT A CARE IN THE WORLD EAGERLY WAITING TO GET THE OK. THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND TOLD ME "EVERYTHING CAME BACK OK, NOT GOOD, NOT BAD JUST OK." HE SAID THAT HE DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT HE HAD THE RECEPTIONIST START WRITING MY PERMISSION SLIP. I PUT MY COAT ON. HE CAME BACK AND SAID HE WANTED TO RUN THE IN OFFICE AGAIN. SO JACKET OFF, BLOOD WORK DONE, RESULTS... WORSE THAN THE LAST TIME. HE HAD ME LAY DOWN, POKED MY HIPS (I LET OUT SUCH A SCREAM WHEN SHE TOUCHED MY LEFT HIP) AND ACROSS MY LOWER BACK. HE TOLD ME HE WANTS TO DO A BONE MARROW ASPIRATION. WHAT THE FUCK!!???!!! HE TOOK SOME MORE URINE AND TOLD ME TO CALL TUESDAY TO MAKE SURE IT IS ALL CLEAR OF BACTERIA. IF NOT THEN I GET ANTIBIOTICS TILL ITS CLEAR BEFORE I CAN SCHEDULE THE PROCEDURE. IT HAS TO BE DONE IN THE HOSPITAL UNDER SEDATION. HE LEFT ME THERE, SLACK JAWED IN THE DOORWAY HE WALKED TO THE RECEPTIONIST PICKED UP MY RELEASE FOR TREATMENT AND RIPPED IT UP. YES FOLKS, HE RIPPED IT UP. HOW FUCKING SYMBOLIC IS THAT. THAT IS EXACTLY HOW MY HEART FELT. SO TUESDAY I SHOULD KNOW MORE. UNTIL THEN I AM STICKING TO BEING PESSIMISTIC... THERE IS SO MUCH LESS DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN YOU EXPECT THE WORSE FROM THE START.
SO YESTERDAY THEY SCHEDULED ME FOR THE BONE MARROW ASPIRATION FOR 12/5 - I PUT IN FOR THE DAY OFF, MADE ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE KIDS SO ON AND SO ON. THIS MORNING I GET A CALL AT 6:45AM FROM THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - THEY HAVE TO CANCEL THE APPOINTMENT BECAUSE MY URINE CAME BACK FUCKED UP AGAIN - HE WANTS ME TO SEE A KIDNEY SPECIALIST TO GET CLEARANCE FOR THE BONE MARROW ASPIRATION. OK, SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? I NEED TO GET PERMISSION FROM THE KIDNEY GUY TO BE TREATED BY THE BLOOD GUY TO BE TREATED BY THE FERTILITY LADY - I MEAN HOW MANY HORNY STUPID STRAIGHT TEENS GET KNOCKED UP THEIR FIRST TIME AROUND WITHOUT SO MUCH AS PERMISSION FROM THEIR PARENTS AND NOW I GOTTA GET A MILLION AND ONE FUCKING PERMISSION SLIPS JUST TO TRY AND GET PREGNANT. MIND YOU, AT THIS POINT IT IS STILL UNCLEAR WHETHER OR NOT THAT IS EVEN GONNA BE POSSIBLE. I JUST WANT 1 CLEAR ANSWER. IS THERE A FORM SOMEWHERE I HAVE TO FILL OUT IN TRIPLICATE TO ASK FOR PERMISSION FOR THAT?
***2ND VERSE SAME AS THE FIRST***
SO NO KIDNEY SPECIALIST - INSTEAD MY PRIMARY DR PU TME ON SOME HARDCORE DOUBLE ANTIBIOTIC FOR 10 DAYS THEN I HAVE TO REDO THE BLOOD AND URINE TO SEE WHAT IS WHAT - IF THE WBC COUNT IS STILL HIGH BUT THE BACTERIA COUNT IS GONE THEN I WILL 99.9% HAVE TO DO THE BONE MARROW ASPIRATION. EITHER WAY SHE IS GONNA WANT TO DO MY CBC MORE OFTEN JUST TO MAKE SURE THEN I GUESS ONCE THIS IS ALL CLEAR... IT BETTER... I WILL HEAD BACK TO MY RE.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
SO, HERE IS THE LATEST UPDATE... I WAS HAVING A HORRIBLE DAY ON FRIDAY. I HAD TO DROP MY CLASSES FOR THIS SEMESTER BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN REALLY OVERWHELMED AND STRESSED LATELY WHICH CAUSED ME TO FALL REALLY BEHIND. RATHER THEN HAVE MY GPA FALL I WITHDREW. SO THAT IS GONNA SET ME BACK SOME. ANYWAY WHEN I CAME OUT OF SCHOOL I HAD A MESS AGE FROM THE RE. THE GOOD NEWS WAS MY PAP CAME BACK FINE. THE BAD NEWS... THE MIS RESULTS. ACCORDING TO THE DOC, SHE IDEALLY WOULD LIKE A PATIENT TO HAVE A MINIMUM EGG COUNT OF .4 FOR IUI. I AM AT .27 - I AM NOT GOOD AT MATH BUT CLEARLY THIS IS NOT A GOOD NUMBER. SHE WENT ON TO SAY THAT SHE WAS SURPRISED IT WAS SO LOW... SHE WAS SURPRISED?!?! WTF??? I AM THE ONE THAT IS FUCKING SURPRISED. ANYWAY, THE MESSAGE SAID THAT EVEN THOUGH DAWN AND I MADE IT CLEAR THAT IVF IS NOT AN OPTION FOR US, IF WE CHANGE OUR MIND, SHE FEELS WE WOULD BE BETTER SUITED FOR IVF THAN IUI, WE SHOULD MAKES MOVES SOON BECAUSE AS TIME PASSES MY EGGS DECREASE AS DO MY CHANCES (CUE THE TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY FACE WHILE ON THE BUS) SHE SAID IF WE STILL WANTED TO GO THROUGH WITH THE IUI WE COULD WITH OR WITHOUT THE MEDS - AND WE DON'T EVEN NEED TO MAKE ANOTHER APPOINTMENT TILL I HAVE MY 2ND DAY BLOOD TEST DURING THE CYCLE WE CHOOSE AND TO JUST MAKE SURE THE SWIMMERS ARE THERE AND THAT WE HAVE TAKEN THE IUI CLASS. SOOO, I HANG UP AND SOB, STILL ON THE BUS. I GET HOME @ 2 AND TEXT DAWN WHO WAS STILL AT WORK - AND WAITED FOR HER TO GET HOME. WE DECIDED TO GO FORWARD AS PLANNED BUT I HAVE TO SAY I AM FEELING A LITTLE DEJECTED AND LIKE I HAVE ALREADY LET DAWN DOWN. WE ARE SHORT ON EGGS BUT I AM SURE THE ONES WE HAVE ARE GOOD ONES AND WILL DO JUST FINE. DID THAT SOUND CONVINCING ENOUGH? ANYBODY ELSE HAVE THIS # PROBLEM BUT HAVE SUCCESS WITH IUI?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
SO THE OTHER DAY I RECEIVED A LETTER IN THE MAIL FROM MY INSURANCE WITH SOME INFO ON INFERTILITY COVERAGE. IT LISTED A WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS THAT I AM APPROVED FOR SUCH AS ULTRASOUNDS AND MEDS AND TESTS. HOWEVER, I HAVE TO DO THE THINGS LISTED BY THE END OF DECEMBER. I AM FEELING A LITTLE RUSHED. WE WERE HOPING TO BE ABLE TO DO THINGS NICE AND SLOW WITH THE RE SO WE CAN GET A GOOD GRASP ON EVERYTHING SHE SAYS. I GUESS WE HAVE TO PICK UP THE PACE. ANYWAY, YESTERDAY I WENT FOR A PAP (EWW AND OUCH) AND MORE BLOOD WORK (I SWEAR SHE USED AN ICE PICK AND A BUCKET). ANYWAY, SO NOW WE WAIT FOR THE RESULTS OF THE MIS TEST, THE PAP AND CULTURES AND THE MULTITUDE OF BLOOD WORK SHE DID YESTERDAY (SHE TOOK 7 VIALS PEOPLE, AND ONE OF THE THINGS SHE IS CHECKING IS ANEMIA) AS FAR AS DONORS GO, CCB ONLY HAS 12 WHO MEET OUR BASIC CRITERIA AND OF THOSE 3 ARE OUT OFF THE BAT AND 1 DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW - SO WE HAVE 8 THAT WE HAVE TO LOOK THROUGH AND DECIDE FROM OR WE CAN TRY AND WAIT IT OUT A LITTLE LONGER TO SEE IF THE CHOICES GET BETTER. IN THE MEANTIME, I HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH ALL OF YOU AND YOURS . MUCH LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL OF YOU.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
- WE LOOOOVE OUR RE - SHE IS AMAZING - I WOULD HAVE WAITED FOREVER TO SEE HER
- WE HAVE TO WAIT TWO WEEKS (OUR FIRST TWW) FOR THE MIS RESULTS
- I HAVE TO GO IN ON MONDAY FOR A PAP AND MORE BLOOD WORK
- WHATEVER CYCLE I DECIDE TO I HAVE TO DO THE 2ND DAY E2/FSH BLOODWORK
- SAME CYCLE HSG (SHE WARNED ME THIS IS NOT FUN) B/W 5-10 DAY
- AT SOME POINT THEY WOULD LIKE US TO TAKE AN ORIENTATION CLASS BEFORE BEGINNING THE IUIs
- WE ARE PROBABLY GONNA GO WITH CCB - THEY SEEM TO BE THE MOST OFTEN USED BY OUR RE AND I HAVE HEARD FAIRLY GOOD THINGS ABOUT THEM
- OUR PLACE WILL STORE FOR $500 ANNUAL - MORE EXPENSIVE THAN AT CCB BUT THEN WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SHIPING B/C THE SWIMMERS WILL ALREADY BE WAITING FOR US
- SHE DOES NOT SUGGEST USING MORE THAN 1 VIAL PER CYCLE
- WE ARE MOST LIKELY GONNA TRY AT LEAST ONE ICI AT HOME
- WE ARE ONLY GONNA TRY IUI FOR A FEW MONTHS
- AT MOST WE WILL DO CLOMID OR AN INJECTION OF OVIDREL (AT HER SUGGESTION), BUT NO OTHER DRUGS
- IF FOR SOME REASON SHE FINDS SOMETHING THAT MAY PREVENT ME FROM GETTING PREGNANT, WE WILL NOT TAKE STEPS TO SURGICALLY CORRECT
- IF THAT IS THE CASE THEN WE WILL STAY WITH HER AND DAWN WILL GET CHECKED OUT TO SEE IF SHE IS AN OPTION
- IF NEITHER OF US IS AN OPTION OR WHOEVER IS DOESN'T GET PREGNANT WITHIN THE TIME WE AGREED TO GIVE OURSELVES, WE WILL BE VERRRRY SAD, BUT WE WILL CONTINUE TO BE GRATEFUL FOR THE BEAUTIFUL SONS WE HAVE.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
TODAY IS OUR RE APPOINTMENT - I AM SITTING AT WORK RIGHT NOW. DAWN IS GONNA MEET ME LATER AND WE ARE GOING TOGETHER. LET ME JUST SAY THAT I HAVE BEEN WALKING AROUND LIKE AN INSANE PERSON FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS AND THE A-HOLES AT WORK HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD ON MY LAST NERVE. IF THEY HAD ANY COMMON SENSE THEY WOULD JUST STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY TODAY - I AM A WOMAN ON A TOTAL INSANITY TRIP AT THIS MOMENT. GONNA KEEP IT SHORT SO I CAN JUST GET MY SHIT TOGETHER. WISH US LUCK - I WILL UPDATE TOMORROW... IF I HAVEN'T BEEN COMMITTED ;)
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I AM AN ANGRY MOTHER. WHY DOES LIFE TAKE A WONDERFUL KID LIKE DAVID AND GIVE HIM SOME FUCKED UP BULLSHIT DISORDER LIKE TOURETTES?!? I KNOW THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE GONNA SAY (BECAUSE THEY HAVE ACTUALLY SAID THIS TO ME) "IT COULD BE SO MUCH WORSE" "AT LEAST IT WON'T KILL HIM" "IS THAT EVEN A REAL DISORDER?" "YOU ARE LUCKY, THINK OF THE PARENTS WHOSE KIDS HAVE CANCER" REALLY?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!!! LISTEN I AM AS SORRY AS THE NEXT PERSON WHEN SOMEONE ELSE'S KID IS SICK, AND I CRY WHEN I HEAR OF LITTLE KIDS WITH CANCER AND SO ON AND SO FORTH - BUT WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK THAT SOMEHOW I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT IT ISN'T WORSE? MY SON IS MY SON AND I DON'T WANT THERE TO BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM AND UNTIL YOU HAVE SEEN THE SHIT HE GOES THROUGH WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO JUDGE ME AND TO BELITTLE WHAT HE GOES THROUGH?!?! THERE IS NO CURE, NO TREATMENT, NO PATTERN, NO FUCKING HELPFUL INFORMATION ABOUT TOURETTES. HE HAS AND HE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE IT FOR LIFE, HE MAY OR MAY NOT GET BETTER OR WORSE, HE MAY OR MAY NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE HIS LIFE WITHOUT MEDICATION FOR IT HE MAY OR MAY NOT BE ABLE TO FUNCTION NORMALLY... OH BY THE WAY WHAT THEY ARE SURE OF IS THAT HE WILL HAVE ONE OR MORE COMORBID DISORDERS ALTHOUGH THEY DO NOT KNOW WHICH ONES OR WHEN. SO EVERY DAY THAT PASSES WITHOUT INCIDENT I THANK GOD AND I BEG AND MAKE DEALS FOR A FUCKING MIRACLE CURE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? MONTHS WIL PASS AND NOTHING... HE WILL BE FINE... SAME BRILLIANT, SWEET, LOVING, FUNNY, AFFECTIONATE, ATHLETIC GIFT FROM GOD THAT HE IS.
THEN IN A BLINK OF A FUCKING EYE IT IS GONE AND THIS BASTARD DISORDER TAKES HOLD AND FIGHTS NOT TO LET GO. AT BEST IT GIVES HIM ONE FORM OR ANOTHER OF TICS... EYE BLINKING, MOUTH TWISTING, THROAT CLEARING ETC... AT WORST IT TAKES MY 5'7 132LB 12 YR OLD BABY AND TURNS HIM INTO A VIOLENT, ANGRY, UNCONTROLLABLE MAN. HE YELLS AND HITS AND HURTS HIMSELF. WE HAVE TO HOLD HIM DOWN UNTIL THESE EPISODES PASS AND THANFULLY THEY ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN (3 TIMES IN 3 YEARS) BUT THEY ARE SCARY. WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE THE MONSTER THAT IS TOURETTES LEAVES MY BABY BROKEN, SAD, DRAINED AND USUALLY BLEEDING IN A HEAP. SO WE DO WHAT WE CAN TO GET HIM BACK TOGETHER AND TRY TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE IT HAS LEFT BEHIND. THEN WHEN I AM ALONE, I CRY AND CURSE AT GOD AND ASK HIM WHY? WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE DO THAT TO MY BABY? WHY WOULD HE GIVE HIM SO MUCH TO DEAL WITH? WHY WOULDN'T HE PROTECT HIM AND KEEP HIM SAFE? THEN I THINK IT ISN'T GOD THAT DID IT TO HIM... IT IS ME...MAYBE... IT IS GENETIC - APPARENTLY IT IS SOMETHING THAT EITHER MY EX OR I PASSED TO HIM. BUT OF COURSE THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER - JUST WORSE. I MEAN THERE IS NOTHING THAT WOULD EVER MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THIS OTHER THEN FINDING A CURE OR LETTING ME TAKE IT BACK. I KNOW THIS IS AN ANGRY UGLY POST AND I KNOW NOT MANY PEOPLE READ THIS BUT I NEEDED TO EMOTIONALLY PURGE.
KEEP HIM IN YOUR THOUGHTS THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG AND BUMPY RIDE.
MICHELLE & DAWN
Monday, September 22, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
WTF?!?!? I AM ALWAYS "MS. REGULAR" - "MS. EVERY 28 DAYS ON THE DOT" - YOU CAN TOTALLY SET A CLOCK TO MY CYCLE... SO OF COURSE THIS MONTH WHEN I HAVE MY APPOINTMENT WITH THE RE I AM OFFICIALLY ON DAY 33?!?!? NOT A CRAMP, NOT A SPOT, NOT A TWINGE IN A BOOB... NOTHING!!! WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT SHIT? ANYWAY, I GUESS WE'LL SEE HOW LONG THAT BIOTCH AF DELAYS HER VISIT JUST TO SCREW WITH ME.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
THE CWRC SEEMS TO BE VERY GLBT FRIENDLY & EXPERIENCED (we'll see how much so after my consult), THEY TAKE MY INSURANCE (my insurance does cover IUI, meds, diagnostic testing etc...), THEY GAVE ME AN ALMOST IMMEDIATE APPOINTMENT (which is impossible to get form a specialist), THEY ANSWERED MY E-MAIL INQUIRY WITHIN 24HRS (it was an anonymous question about their experiences with families like ours)AND SENT ME A WELCOME/INFO PACKET WHICH I RECEIVED WITHIN 2 DAYS OF CALLING THEM (alot of paperwork that I am not certain I filledout right). I AM FEELING VERY POSITIVE ABOUT MY VISIT WITH THEM. ON THE DOWN SIDE NEW PATIENT CONSULTS ARE ONLY DURING THE DAY AND DAWN WON'T BE ABLE TO MAKE IT - SO I WILL BE FLYING SOLO ON THIS - BUT EVERY APPT AFTER CAN BE MADE FOR LATER IN THE DAY WHEN SHE CAN MAKE IT SO... GLASS HALF FULL.
****UPDATE - I RESCHEDULED MY APPOINTMENT FOR 9/30 WHEN DAWN IS OFF FROM WORK AND CAN COME WITH ME -THIS MAKES ME VERRRRY HAPPY AND LESS SCARED.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
(CUE MUSIC...) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME... OK, YOU GET THE IDEA. I AM 32 TODAY AND LET ME JUST SAY THAT IT ALL FEELS THE SAME AFTER 30. HOPEFULLY BY MY 33RD WE WILL BE PREGNANT AND BUYING A HOUSE. HERE IS TO HAVING THE BEST LAID PLANS ACTUALLY WORK OUT.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Anyway, we are going on vacation to Florida very soon and I am totally unprepared. My parents have a summer house down there and we are gonna stay a few days with them at the beginning and a few at the end of our trip, but David went a week ahead. My dad drove down last week, David and my mom flew out yesterday and then Dawn, Ryan and I are following on July 5th. This is the first time David has been away from home for more then a weekend and NEVER out of state without me. Not to mention he and my mom flew without me so I couldn't even talk to him till he landed to see if he was ok. I am sure I am more of a wreck then he is but what can I say, I worry about him. He was doing really well with the Tourettes - it almost seemed to be in "remission" but it is back in full force the last couple of weeks and frankly, I am scared that he may have a really bad time and I won't be there to help. It is the little things that seem to set him off lately - I think puberty is kicking his ass - he goes from acting like a 40 yr old to curling up into a teary eyed 4 yr old. There is not much more I can do for him then I am - doctors, vitamins, patience, love, structure etc... but it kills me that there is nothing that I can do to make it go away - I suffer for him but I would suffer ten thousand fold if it would take it away - I feel helpless - I have to admit, a part of me is scared to pass it on to another baby - even though there is no way to know who he got it from- I am sure there is a good chance on either side and who knows as far as the donor goes - but I am just sick to death over it - I go back and forth in my head but you know, in the end it comes down to I wouldn't take back having David knowing that he has Tourettes so why would I take back wanting to have a baby who even though not made yet is already alive in our minds and hearts.
On Friday my sister took the piglet to his 16 mth Doc appt and called me immediately after hysterical - You see, since he was born there has been some concern about the size of his head - ok, it is a little big, but we all have big heads and my uncles have HUGE heads, so no big concern on our part - but anyway, even though it has been on the higher end of the growth curve it is supposed to be on it has only been a minor concern until now - apparently it jumped off the curve by 2.4 points - so they want my sister to have him have CT scans and MRIs and see a pediatric neurosurgeon - That in itself is horrible and makes me cry even as I sit here to type out the words - I immediately wanted to cancel our trip to which my fiercely pigheaded and stubborn sister said no - she also decided with the urging of my father (which I am torn about) to not tell my mother - my mom has been through ALOT lately and is not well so she feels that until we know more we should not tell her - Fine. It is her decision. So now we wait to see because (thankfully) it was not an emergency situation per the doctors so she has to wait for the referral to go through (her own shitty version of the tww) Now as it stands my parents are both gone and I am leaving Saturday so I hope that I am here for her - none of us will be back until July 16th so I will be sick to death worried about him all the while keeping it from my mom and trying to keep up appearances for the kids - (sorry for the ramble but it just isn't all coming out the way I am thinking it) - This kid is perfectly on track with all his milestones, if not ahead - he is walking and talking and all that good stuff - his face is not misshapen and he hasn't been ill beyond the normal kid stuff - nothing that suggests anything wrong - My poor baby sis is going through some shit right now and I feel helpless to help her or the baby - I am sick with nightmares over this and I feel like I am abandoning her - I have to hear her say she can't live without him and all I want to do is scream and cry, not have to hold it in and tell her everything will be alright when I have no idea whether or not it is the truth - I can't imagine my life without him either but if I close my eyes and search real deep, I know in my heart he is fine - he is just stuck with our big head -but that is not good enough I want her to hear he is fine from that bitch doctor who has no idea how to be sensitive or understanding and has the personality of wet cheese and I want her to say to me that he is fine and I want to get rid of this sick gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
So the piglet is gonna be with us for four days starting Saturday. My sister jokes that the next four days will either seal or break the deal when it comes to wanting to have another baby. See that smile on his face? That is the smile of a kid who is up to no damn good. LOL. Actually, he is a great kid, funny and loving but he does have a temper and he is used to getting away with murder with his mommy. So it should be an interesting few days. His mom and dad never got a honeymoon so they are going to the Dominican Repupblic from Saturday to Tuesday. My poor sister has been crying non-stop since she booked the trip. She has been so sad but I think she needs the break. Her husband works 1 full and 2 part time jobs so she can stay home with the baby and as great as that is, it basically means she has no help at home from him even when he's there. I have been a stay at home mom and a working mom, and in my opinion, even though it is the best feeling in the world to get to be with your baby every minute of the day, it is alot harder physically and emotionally sometimes to stay at home. Luckily, my parents and I visit regularly and help as much as we can, but for a young, newlywed mom, there is nothing like having your partner with you. So she has been running ragged and kind of depressed. I think the trip will giver her and her hubby some time to reconnect and remember what it is like to be a couple as well as a family. I hope she has fun. I am looking forward to spending time with the piglet although I am a little concerned because my sis and I have very different parenting styles and I am worried the differences will stress/piss the piglet off. I am pretty confident we will be ok though. (I hope). On Saturday, per my sis, we are taking the piglet to get a haircut and then Dawn and I are gonna take him to Manhattan to a street fair. On Sunday, Dawn, myself, David, Ryan and the piglet will be heading to Pennsylvania to see Dawn's nephew,Ethan, for his first birthday. It will be fun to see them interact. Then, since we both have work Monday and Tuesday, my parents will watch him while we are at work and then we will take him back - funny how they got out of watching him at night, huh? We bought our own car seat and baby gate and are gonna tighten up the house and piglet proof it as much as possible.
All this planning for a few days of babysitting has gotten me thinking alot about having Dylan. I was basically home with David or took him to work with me until he was almost 4 yrs old. Dawn was in the same situation with Ry until he was 3. Both Dawn and I would always choose to stay home if we could but I know this time around we are not going to be able to do that. So we are gonna try and plan to have Dylan close enough to Summer so I can take my 6 wks at the same time as Dawn takes hers , then I can take another 2 by myself, with her not far away, she works across the street from our house and then when I go back to work she'll be home for the Summer. But that leaves us in a situation that scares the hell out of me... finding childcare for a baby under 5 months. I don't even know where to begin to try and get my mind around the idea. I know I am getting way ahead of myself in worrying since right now as far as we've gone in this ttc process is to narrow down our donor choices ( I think we are gonna purchase now and store for later since we are looking for very specific donor qualities that we may not find later) This whole plan, by the way, gives us a tiny window of opportunity to even ttc because we need to get the timing right for it to work. HOLY SHIT!!! I just stresses myself out.
So back to my point... the next few days will put us to the test at dealing with a baby together for more than a night. I know that sometimes we both worry about how it will work for us when we try to do this toghether. I know sometimes we are both scared about whether or not it will bring us even closer together as a family or tear us apart as a couple. Even if we don't say it aloud, I know the concerns are there. With one failed marriage behind us each, sometimes I worry if the end will justify the means. All the time I know that sometimes the very things we want the most are the things that are the hardest to hold onto once we have them.
Well, I am just a freaking ray of sunshine aren't I? Hope you all have a great weekend and that you are all less burdened by these maddening "what ifs" than I am.
much luv and success to all
Monday, April 21, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
This is Ethan. Ethan was just screaming his head off because he is tired but doesn't want to go to bed... can you blame him... he is now firmly in the grip of his Aunt Dawn. Ethan lives in Pennsylvania and we hardly ever get to see him so Dawn believes he should never sleep when we are around. I am sure his parents were thrilled when we left because even though they love us and would love to see us more often, we totally screw up his schedule when we are around. What are Aunts for ?? He is the cutest lil' thumbsucker I have ever seen.
So, as you well know, Dirk likes to sit in things. This was his Easter basket it is now his personal butt basket. Never mind that he has a brand new, very expensive, very cushy recliner that his mommy and daddy bought him for his birthday (that he stands on) his butt prefers the comfort of the wicker basket.
Baby Recliner $100
Wicker basket $13
Cost of seeing the look on my sister's face when she realizes she should have listened to me and held off on the expensive recliner she bought for the baby's 1st birthday... PRICELESS