LOST

THIS HAS TURNED OUT TO BE ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS I HAVE EVER DONE. IT HAS TOTALLY CONSUMED ME. I MEAN ASIDE FROM MY WIFE AND OUR KIDS OF COURSE. WE ARE STILL HANGING IN THERE BUT HONESTLY HAVEN'T MADE MUCH PROGRESS. RIGHT NOW WE HAVE THE FROZEN 3DAYS AND WE WILL BE DOING ANOTHER RETRIEVAL THIS SUNDAY. IT SEEMS LIKE THEY WILL ONLY GET 1 THIS TIME. I AM CRUSHED. THIS WAS GOING TO BE OUR LAST CYCLE BUT WE JUST CAN'T QUIT RIGHT NOW SO I THINK WE WILL BE DOING ANOTHER 3 CYCLES BEFORE WE DO MORE TRANSFERS. I AM TIRED OF NEEDLES AND PILLS AND ULTRASOUNDS. I AM TIRED OF FEELING LIKE I AM TRAPPED IN A NEVER ENDING CYCLE OF IN AND OUT OF THE DOCTOR. I HAVE BEEN THERE 3 DAYS IN A ROW AND WILL BE BACK THERE AGAIN ANOTHER 2...5 FRIGGIN DAYS IN A ROW!!! I AM EXHAUSTED. WE ARE TRYING SO HARD TO KEEP POSITIVE BUT THERE ARE SOME DAYS...MORE OFTEN THEN NOT...THAT IT JUST IS IMPOSSIBLE. BELIEVE ME I KNOW THAT 5 MONTHS IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HOW LONG SOME PEOPLE GO THROUGH THIS JOURNEY AND I HAVE NOTHING BUT THE UTMOST RESPECT FOR THEM...BUT WE JUST CAN'T DO IT. IT WILL BE ABOUT A YEAR WHEN THIS IS ALL SAID AND DONE. THAT'S ALL I CAN DO AND THAT'S PUSHING IT. I LITERALLY AM TAKING THIS A DAY AT A TIME...TODAY I AM TAKING IT MINUTE BY MINUTE. HOPEFULLY ONE DAY MY BEAUTIFUL, SUPPORTIVE, PATIENT AND SUPER FABULOUS WIFE AND I CAN READ ALL THIS AGAIN WITH OUR BABY IN OUR ARMS. UNTIL THEN I AM JUST GONNA TRY MY BEST TO KEEP STRONG.

HERE WE GO AGAIN

SO TOMORROW I START INJECTIONS AGAIN. MOVING UP FROM 150IU TO 225IU. SIX DAYS OF THAT THEN BACK IN TO BE CHECKED. I THINK WE ARE DEFINITELY GONNA JUST DO TWO BACK TO BACK RETRIEVALS THIS TIME AROUND. AFTER THAT WE WILL SEE WHAT WE ARE WORKING WITH AND DO TRANSFERS. WE PICKED A NEW DONOR AND ARE PRETTY HAPPY WITH OUR CHOICE. ITS FUNNY HOW SOMETIMES WE WIND UP BACK WHERE WE STARTED JUST TO GET BACK ON THE RIGHT TRACK. HOPEFULLY WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK THE NEXT TIME WE TRANSFER, BUT IF NOT, WHEN THE RESERVES ARE GONE...OUR JOURNEY WILL BE OVER. WITH TWO TEENS GOING TO COLLEGE SOON...WE JUST CAN'T FINANCIALLY DO IT FOR MUCH LONGER. THAT DOESN'T EVEN TAKE INTO ACCOUNT WHAT IT IS DOING EMOTIONALLY.

WE ARE BACK AND FORTH ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT TO DO TRANSFERS AS SOON AS WE CAN OR WAIT A FEW MONTHS AND TRY TO REGROUP AND GET A LITTLE HEALTHIER BEFORE WE DO. THERE ARE A FEW OTHER FACTORS THAT ARE INVOLVED BUT WE ARE GONNA DEAL WITH THE RETRIEVALS AND THEN WORRY ABOUT OUR DECISION ABOUT TRANSFER LATER. ITS FUNNY HOW YOU CAN TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED.

ANYWAY, OUR BOYS ARE DOING WELL. ALL IN ALL THEY ARE PRETTY GOOD KIDS WHO DO NOT GIVE US MUCH TROUBLE. THEY DO WELL IN SCHOOL, BEHAVE AT HOME, HAVE DECENT FRIENDS AND ARE PRETTY LOVING AND RESPONSIBLE. THEY ARE NOT PERFECT, BUT WHO IS. THEY EACH HAVE HAD THEIR SLIP UPS AND MOMENTS OF INSANITY BUT THEIR BIGGEST PROBLEMS ARE RELATIONSHIPS. THEY BOTH HAVE A HABIT OF FALLING FOR THE WRONG GIRL. EITHER SHE IS NUTS OR HER PARENTS ARE NUTS OR A COMBO OF BOTH...BUT BOTH OF OUR KIDS SEEM TO FALL HEAD OVER HEELS AND NOTHING AND NO ONE CAN TELL THEM OTHERWISE. IT COULD BE WORSE, THEY COULD BE THE KIND OF BOYS RUNNING THROUGH GIRLS BACK TO BACK JUST TO GET THE NUMBERS. HOWEVER, THEY ARE BOTH CURRENTLY IN VERY COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIPS WHICH THEY FEEL WILL LAST FOREVER. THEY HAVE BOTH FOUND "THE ONE" I CRINGE AT THE IDEA AT THIS POINT. THEY BOTH DESERVE BETTER. THEY BOTH GIVE SO MUCH OF THEMSELVES AND GET SO LITTLE IN RETURN. OTHER THAN THAT, NOT MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT WITH THEM. WE ARE LUCKY.

MAYBE WE CAN LUCK OUT A THIRD TIME.

BACK TO START

SO IT DIDN'T WORK. I KIND OF FELT LIKE IT DIDN'T OR RATHER I TRIED TO NOT GET MY HOPES UP AND YET WHEN THE NURSE CALLED TO TELL ME SHE WAS SORRY...IT BROKE MY FUCKING HEART. I HAD BEEN REALLY SICK WITH BRONCHITIS FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND I FELT LIKE SHIT THE DAY OF THE TRANSFER BUT WE WERE SO CLOSE THAT WE DECIDED TO JUST GO WITH IT. THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND PUT OUR EMBIE ON THE SCREEN AND TOLD ME IT WAS AVERAGE BUT NOT TO WORRY...MOST OF US COME FROM AVERAGE EMBRYOS. I WANTED TO BELIEVE HIM BUT I AM NOT ONE WHO BELIEVES IN THE LONG SHOT. HE ALSO MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT CHANGING DONORS...LATER ON THAT...I FELT LIKE IT WORKED FOR A FEW DAYS. I SAID PRAYER AFTER PRAYER AND SPOKE OUT LOUD TO THE EMBRYO IN MY BODY. HOPING THAT GIVING LIFE TO MY THOUGHTS WOULD SOMEHOW MAKE IT MORE REAL. IT DIDN'T WORK. SO HERE WE ARE AGAIN BACK AT START. NOT A SINGLE EGG OR EMBRYO TO SHOW. WE ARE SWITCHING DONORS (WHICH BY THE WAY WAS NOT FUN LAST MINUTE) AND WE ARE TAKING A CYCLE TO BREATHE...THE DOCTOR IS STILL MONITORING ME AND NOW HAS ME ON BIRTH CONTROL (HOLD LAUGHTER FOR THE SEVERAL REASONS OF IRONY) BUT WE WONT BE DOING RETRIEVAL FOR SEVERAL MORE WEEKS. WE ARE MOST LIKELY GOING TO DO BACK TO BACK RETRIEVALS AND THEN WORRY ABOUT TRANSFER LATER. I FEEL LIKE I AM TORN BETWEEN WHEN AND WHAT TO DO. I GIVE ALL THE CREDIT IN THE WORLD TO WOMEN WHO HANG IN THERE FOR YEARS...I CAN'T DO IT. THIS IS SO MUCH MORE EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY TAXING THEN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. WHAT IS WORSE IS HOW HARD I HAVE TO TRY AND HIDE HOW I AM FEELING BECAUSE WE STILL HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING TO THE KIDS AND WELL LIFE HAS TO GO ON AS USUAL. THAT IS ONE THING I DO NOT REGRET. I DEFINITELY DO NOT REGRET DECIDING TO KEEP THE KIDS IN THE DARK FOR NOW. WATCHING THEM STRUGGLE WITH EVER DAY TEENAGE BULLSHIT AND DRAMA I KNOW ADDING OUR OWN TO THE MIX FOR NO DEFINITE REASON WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN THE WRONG CHOICE FOR US. TWO OF US ARE ON THIS ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS AND THAT IS ENOUGH. I AM HOPING THE NEW YEAR WILL BRING US SOME NEW LUCK AND NEW HOPE.

AND THEN THERE WAS ONE

AFTER ALL WAS SAID AND DONE...WE ENDED UP WITH ONE 6DAY BLAST SAFELY FROZEN AND WAITING FOR US. I WAS FEELING CRUSHED ABOUT ONLY GETTING ONE BUT ONE IS ALL IT TAKES SO I AM EMBRACING THE IDEA OF BEING HOPEFUL FOR OUR FET. I HAVE TO GO BACK NEXT MONDAY THE 17TH TO SEE HOW WELL MY LINING IS BUILDING UP ON ITS OWN AND THEN WE WILL GO FROM THERE. HOPEFULLY, THIS WILL BE IT AND WE WILL BE HEARING SOME POSITIVE NEWS. CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC IS HOW I AM GOING TO LABEL MYSELF RIGHT NOW... I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR MY WIFE WHO DESPITE HER OWN FEARS AND WORRIES HAS HELPED ME BE STRONG AND STEADFAST IN THIS JOURNEY. SHE HAS HELP ME UP ALOT LATELY. I AM NOT THE KIND OF PERSON WHO LIKES TO ADMIT WHEN I NEED HELP BUT HOLY SHIT HAVE I NEEDED IT LATELY. OUR KIDS STILL DON'T KNOW THAT WE ARE TRYING, AND LET ME TELL YOU HOW GLAD I AM THAT THEY HAVEN'T HAD TO GO THROUGH THIS UP AND DOWN BULLSHIT WITH US, SO I HAVE LITERALLY HAD TO GO FROM CRYING HYSTERICALLY TO ACTING LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG. WE ACTUALLY GOT THE CALL ABOUT OUR EMBRYOS WHILE AT THE FOOTBALL GAME OF OUR OLDEST. SECRETLY JABBING NEEDLES IN YOUR STOMACH WHILE IN THE MIDST OF TEENAGE ANGST HAS BEEN AN ADVENTURE TO SAY THE LEAST. SHE HAS JUST BEEN MY ROCK. SHE HAS PUSHED ME WHEN I WAS READY TO GIVE UP AND COMFORTED ME WHEN I FELT LIKE I WAS FAILING US. SHE HAS BEEN A GREAT MOM TO THE BOYS WE HAVE AND I KNOW SHE WILL BE JUST AS PHENOMENAL IF NOT MORE SO THIS TIME AROUND. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU GET TO MAKE ALL THE MISTAKES THE FIRST TIME AROUND (INSIDE JOKE). SO THAT'S WHERE WE ARE AND THAT'S WHERE WE ARE GOING. HOPEFULLY, WE WILL SEE YOU ALL THERE.

RED LIGHT, GREEN LIGHT 1...2...3

SO...WE ARE WAITING A LITTLE WHILE LONGER. WE HAD A RETRIEVAL THIS PAST MONDAY. WE GOT 8, 3 WERE GOOD, 3 WERE DISCARDED AND 2 ARE PENDING. UNFORTUNATELY, MY HORMONES WERE TOO HIGH TO DO A FRESH TRANSFER THIS CYCLE SO WE ARE HOPING THEY ALL MAKE IT TO FREEZE ON THE 10TH. WE WERE GIVEN THE OPTION TO DO ANOTHER CYCLE OF RETRIEVAL IN THE MEANTIME BUT WE PASSED. MY MIND AND BODY NEED A REST. SO WE ARE HOPING TO KEEP HEARING GOOD NEWS EVERY COUPLE OF DAYS TILL OUR SNO*WBAB*IES ARE TUCKED SAFELY AWAY AND THEN WAITING IT OUT UNTIL END OF THE MONTH TO DO AN FET. HOPEFULLY, WE WILL GET TO HAVE ONE OF OUR LIL SNOWB*ABIES PUT IN ITS RIGHTFUL HOME UNTIL WE MEET IN PERSON SOMETIME THIS SUMMER. I SHOULD WOULD LIKE TO BE ABLE TO FILE THIS ONE AS A SUCCESS BUT THIS FEELING OF DISAPPOINTMENT I AM CARRYING AROUND WITH ME ONLY LETS ME THINK OF IT AS A STEP FORWARD WITH A LONG PAUSE BEFORE ANOTHER STEP...IT SURE DOES SEEM LIKE THIS JOURNEY IS GOING TO TAKE FOREVER EVEN THOUGH IN MY HEART I KNOW AT SOME POINT EVERY JOURNEY MUST END.

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT...RIGHT?

I WILL KEEP IT SHORT AND (BITTER)SWEET. OUR FIRST ATTEMPT AT MINI-IVF WAS NOT A SUCCESS. IT WAS A NEW EXPERIENCE. CLOMID AND A FEW (THAT TURNED INTO A FEW EXTRA) FOLLISTIM INJECTIONS. I FOUND THE RETRIEVAL PAINFUL, CONTRARY TO PUBLIC OPINION. AFTER ALL THAT, WE GOT 1 LONELY LIL EGG. IT DIDN'T MAKE IT TO FERTILIZATION. SO...HERE WE GO AGAIN. EXCEPT THIS TIME THE DOCTOR IS GOING TO BE MORE AGGRESSIVE AND THAT I AM SURE WILL MEAN MORE MEDS... *SIGH* I CRIED A LOT WHEN I HEARD OUR EGG DIDN'T MAKE IT BUT I AM OK NOW. I AM EXCITED AND FEEL LIKE THIS IS GONNA BE IT. MY WIFE, YES, NOW LEGALLY OFFICIALLY AND TILL DEATH DO US PART, WIFE, HAS BEEN ABSOLUTELY PHENOMENAL. SHE HAS AMAZED ME IN NEW WAYS AND HAS BEEN INVOLVED EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. SO IN THE MEANTIME, I LEFT THE RETRIEVAL WITH (HOLD YOUR LAUGHTER AT THE IRONY) BIRTH CONTROL PILLS FOR TWO WEEKS AND AN APPOINTMENT TO COME BACK ON SEPTEMBER 21ST. SO HERE IS TO MAKING THAT PRACTICE RUN WORTH EVERY SINGLE MOMENT.

NEW PLAN...WE ARE ALL IN

WE ARE BYPASSING ANYMORE IUIs AND DOING IVF...OR RATHER MINI-IVF. WE FOUND A REALLY GREAT PLACE HERE IN NYC CALLED N*EW HO*PE FERT*ILITY AND AFTER TESTING AND CONSULT WITH THE DOCTOR...WE DECIDED TO GO THE ROUTE OF IVF. THIS PARTICULAR PLACE SPECIALIZES IN MINI-IVFs. BASICALLY THAT JUST MEANS THAT THERE IS USE OF LESS MEDS AND THE OBJECTIVE IS QUALITY NOT QUANTITY OF EGGS PRODUCED. THEY PREFER S.E.T. (SINGLE EMBRYO TRANSFER) WHICH IS REALLY WHAT WE WAN. WITH TWO TEENS AND BOTH OF US BEING ON THE OLDER SIDE...TWINS WHILE WONDERFUL, ARE SOMETHING WE WOULD LIKE TO AVOID IF AT ALL POSSIBLE. IN MY CASE, WHILE MY FOLLICLE COUNT WAS LOW, (6 ON EACH SIDE) HE SAID IT WAS NOT SO LOW THAT I SHOULD BE IN A PANIC ... HOWEVER, BECAUSE I WILL BE HITTING THAT NOT SO MAGIC NUMBER 35 THIS REALLY IS GONNA BE THE LAST SHOT BEFORE I START HITTING SOME POTENTIAL PROBLEMS. WE STARTED BY HIM ASKING US TO TELL HIM WHAT IT IS WE WANTED SO THAT WE COULD FIGURE OUT TOGETHER HOW TO GET IT. SO, WE DISCUSSED OUR DESIRES AND CAME UP WITH A PLAN. HE SAID THAT BECAUSE MY FOLLICLES WERE NOT THAT BAD AND THAT I HAVE BEEN PREGNANT BEFORE...HE WOULD BE COMFORTABLE WITH SUGGESTING 3 MONTHS OF IUIs FIRST. HE SAID THE CHANCES WERE I WOULD PROBABLY WIND UP DOING IVF ANYWAY. OUR WISHES ARE A LITTLE SPECIFIC SO WE DECIDED TO JUST GO FOR THE IVF OFF THE BAT. HE SAID GIVEN THE TIME FRAME WE ARE USING I NEED TO LOSE AT LEAST 35LBS FIRST. WHICH IS MUCH MORE ATTAINABLE THEN THE NUMBERS I HAVE HEARD BEFORE. SO DIETING AND EXERCISING HAVE BECOME PART OF MY DAILY ROUTINES AS WELL AS PRENATALS. WE ALSO DISCUSSED THE PROTOCOL WE WOULD HAVE AND THEN OFF TO OUR NON FAVORITE PART...THE FINANCIAL CONSULTANT. THEIR PRICES WERE SURPRISINGLY REASONABLE WHEN COMPARED TO THE OTHER PLACES WE LOOKED AT AND LUCKILY MY INSURANCES WILL COVER MOST OF IT. SO WHILE WE ARE LOOKING AT A FEW THOUSAND OUT OF POCKET...IT IS AFFORDABLE. I WON'T GET INTO THE SPECIFICS OF WHAT WE ARE DOING JUST BECAUSE IT MAY CHANGE ALONG THE WAY...BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THINGS ARE MOVING IN A PRETTY GOOD DIRECTION AND WE ARE IN A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW. HERE IS HOPING.