Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Our (not so baby) Boys

THIS IS GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE POSTS WHERE I AM CRYING FROM START TO FINISH. YUP, ALREADY CRYING. ANYWAY, OUR BOYS ARE SENIORS IN HIGH SCHOOL. THIS MEANS THAT IN JUST A FEW MONTHS THEY WILL BE LEAVING US FOR GOD KNOWS WHERE TO START THE NEXT CHAPTER IN THEIR LIVES...COLLEGE. I AM SO PROUD OF THEM AND KNOW THAT THEY ARE GONNA BE GOOD ON THEIR OWN. I AM ALSO CRUSHED. I HAD DAVID WHEN I WAS 19. HE HAS BEEN THE CENTER OF MY EVERYTHING FOR ALMOST 18 YEARS. THE VERY IDEA OF HIM LEAVING MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BREATHE. I LITERALLY FEEL LIKE SOMETHING IS CRUSHING MY LUNGS.

RYAN HAS BEEN A PART OF MY HEART FOR ALMOST 15 YEARS. I GET HIS MIND AND HIS DARK SENSE OF HUMOR. I UNDERSTAND HIS HEART AND HOW IT HURTS. I SHOULD HAVE HUGGED HIM AND KISSED HIM MORE BUT IT WAS SO HARD TO GET CLOSE IN THE BEGINNING BECAUSE I WAS SO AFRAID HE WOULD BE YANKED FROM MY LIFE. BY THE TIME I REALIZED IT, WE ALREADY HAD OUR FLOW. I KNOW HE KNOWS I LOVE HIM AND I TRY MY HARDEST TO ALWAYS LET HIM KNOW. BUT I SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE. 

I AM GOING TO MISS THEM BOTH SO MUCH.  IT ACTUALLY HURTS MY HEART. I CRY UNCONTROLLABLY JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. MAYBE ITS A LITTLE EXCESSIVE, BUT IT IS THE GOD HONEST TRUTH. I AM GOING TO MISS THEIR SENSE OF HUMORS, THEIR THOUGHT PROCESSES, THE WAY THEY LAUGH TOGETHER AT SOME STUPID BOY THING AND HOW THEY LOOK WHEN THEY ARE THINKING UP SOME WILD OFF THE WALL THING. I AM EVEN GONNA MISS THEIR WISE ASS SNARKY COMMENTS WHEN THEY ARE COPPING FULL BLOWN TEENAGE ATTITUDE. I AM GONNA MISS THE SOUND OF THEM WALKING IN THE HALL. I AM GONNA MISS THE SMELL OF THEM IN THEIR ROOM (EVEN THOUGH IT IS AN ACQUIRED TASTE) AND HEARING THEM CALL ME FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY NONSENSICAL AND SILLY OR TO TELL ME SOME THING THAT ONLY I WILL GET. I AM GONNA MISS JUST WALKING INTO THEIR ROOM AND SEEING THEM THERE. I AM GONNA MISS WATCHING THEM PLAY WITH THE BABY AND THE WAY SHE LOOKS UP AT THEM AND SMILES WITH HER BIG BROWN EYES FULL OF LOVE AND WONDER. WE HAVE WORKED SO HARD TO GET THEM HERE AND NOW I AM IN FULL PANIC MODE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THEM TO GO. 

BUT WE DID A GOOD JOB AND THEY HAVE TO FOLLOW THEIR DREAMS. I HOPE THEY DON'T GO FAR AND THAT THEY COME HOME OFTEN AND CALL EVERY NIGHT. FACETIME WILL LET ME SEE THEIR FACES BUT NOTHING WILL FEEL LIKE IT DOES WHEN I HUG THEM...THEY MAY NOT BE BABIES ANY MORE BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS BE MY BABIES.





... DAMNIT!!! I AM OUT OF TISSUES.

7 comments:

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