Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
SO LOTS AND LOTS OF STUFF GOING ON, SOME IN MY CONTROL, MOST NOT. MY SISTER BOUGHT A HOUSE IN AND MOVED TO NEW JERSEY YESTERDAY WITH HER FAMILY. I AM HEART BROKEN. MY NEPHEW IS NOW AN HOUR AND A HALF AWAY AND MY SISTER WHO'S HEALTH IS TOUCH AND GO ALL THE TIME IS TOO FAR FROM US ALL IN CASE OF EMERGENCY. I CAN NOT EXPLAIN HOW SAD I AM. I HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT FOR THEM BUT I WISH THEY WOULD HAVE STAYED. I HAVE A BAD FEELING. MY MOTHER HAS TAKEN MY SISTER'S MOVE AS HER CUE TO LEAVE MY DAD AND MOVE TO THEIR HOUSE IN FLORIDA. LEAVING HIM BEHIND HERE. THIS WAS A LONG TIME COMING AND IS NOT A SURPRISE BUT I CAN NOT DESCRIBE HOW SAD THAT MAKES ME AS WELL. DON'T KNOW HOW LONG MY DAD CAN HANG ON TO THE APARTMENT WITHOUT HER HELP. SO WE CONTINUE TO LOOK FOR A HOUSE AND HOPE TO FIND ONE WITH A NICE BASEMENT APARTMENT FOR MY DAD.
ON THE BABY FRONT. I HAVE DECIDED AND DAWN AGREES THAT WE ARE GONNA WAIT A BUT LONGER FOR TRY #2. MY WEIGHT IS OUT OF CONTROL RIGHT NOW AND HONESTLY, EVEN IF I DID GET PREGNANT THE CHANCE OF HAVING A HAPPY OR HEALTHY PREGNANCY AT THIS WEIGHT IS SLIM TO NONE. SO COME JANUARY INSTEAD OF TRYING TO GET PREGNANT I AM GONNA START TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT. I AM CONFIDENT THAT THIS TIME I CAN DO IT AND KEEP IT OFF. SO WE ARE GONNA GO BACK TO OUR ORIGINAL INTENDED MONTH OF CONCEPTION AND TRY AGAIN IN JULY AFTER VACATION. HOPEFULLY BY THEN THE WEIGHT WILL BE OFF AND WE WILL EITHER BE IN OR GETTING READY TO BE IN OUR OWN HOUSE AND THE BOYS WILL BE GETTING READY TO START HIGH SCHOOL. SO I THINK THIS PLAN PUTS ALL OUR DUCKS IN A NICE ROW. LETS SEE IF IT STAYS THAT WAY.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
SO PIGGIE PIGGIE FLY AWAY WE DON'T WANT YOU TO COME OUR WAY.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
BELIEVE IT OR NOT...I AM REALLY HAPPY LATELY. I KNOW...SHOCKER!! THINGS ARE GOING WELL. A HUGE WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED OFF MY SHOULDERS AND WE ARE LOOKING AHEAD TO A BRIGHT AND SOMEWHAT EASIER FUTURE. WE ARE JUST STARTING TO LOOK FOR A HOUSE WHILE PAYING OFF ANY AND ALL DEBT WE HAVE... STARTING FROM A CLEAN SLATE SOUNDS SO GOOD TO ME. OUR BOYS ARE TAKING THEIR CAP AND GOWN PICS TODAY. I CAN NOT BELIEVE THEY ARE GONNA BE GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL NEXT YEAR AND OUR WONDERFULLY SWEET AND SELFLESS KD HAS AGREED TO DONATE HIS SERVICES IN JANUARY AND FROM WHAT HE SAYS WHENEVER WE NEED UNTIL WE HAVE OUR HAPPY ENDING. I LOVE THIS GUY HE IS A SWEETIE. ALSO, A FEW WEEKS AFTER OUR UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT I SAW A RATHER LARGE ARTICLE IN THE PAPER ABOUT REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGISTS AND THEIR FREQUENT TENDENCY TO LABEL A WOMAN AS HAVING NON SPECIFIED PREMATURE OVARIAN FAILURE WITH NO REALLY GOOD REASON. THE ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN BY A FORMER RE AND HIS PARTNER (ALSO AN RE) WHO LEFT THE BUSINESS BECAUSE OF THIS SUDDEN TREND TO PUSH WOMEN INTO IVF. PUTTING WOMEN (OVER THE AGE OF 30) UNDER A SERIES OF INTENSE MEDICAL AND PHARMACEUTICAL TRIALS TO ONLY HAVE THEM STEERED INTO IVF. NOW, MY RE, DR. P, WAS WONDERFUL, BUT IN RETROSPECT, SHE WAS PUSHY ABOUT THE IVF EVEN THOUGH WE TOLD HER WE WERE NOT INTERESTED, SHE SAID EVERYTHING CAME BACK FINE EXCEPT FOR MY OVARIAN RESERVE WHICH WAS LOW...WELL SAID ARTICLE ADDRESSES THE FACT THAT THAT RESERVE DROPS AT 25 FOR ALL WOMEN AND THAT IT DOES NOT MEAN INFERTILITY. SO JUST FOR KICKS, OK, NOT FOR KICKS BUT FOR MY OWN SANITY, I TOOL THE FI*RST RE*SPO*NSE FERTILITY TEST...2 MONTHS IN A ROW...AND LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD IT INDICATED THAT MY RESERVE IS IN THE FERTILE RANGE. ALSO, MY DARLING RE NEVER TOLD ME THAT CLOMID CAN CAUSE NON-STICKING OF PERFECTLY GOOD FERTILIZED EGGS. WELL...NO MORE RE FOR ME. WE ARE GONNA GO NO MEDS NO HELP...JUST ME, MY WIFE AND AN EXTREMELY APPRECIATED DONATION. IT IS WHAT IT IS AND WHAT IT IS IS UP TO US.
Friday, November 6, 2009
BECAUSE APPARENTLY THINGS WERE JUST GOING TOO SMOOTHLY (INSERT EYEROLL HERE) I WAS ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL THE OTHER DAY FOR CHEST PAIN. I HAVE NOT BEEN ADMITTED TO A HOSPITAL SINCE DAVID WAS BORN ALMOST 14 YEARS AGO. IT WAS NOT FUN TO SAY THE LEAST. AFTER HOURS IN THE HOSPITAL ER THEY WERE GONNA LET ME GO BUT DECIDED TO DO ANOTHER EKG JUST IN CASE... AND OF COURSE THAT ONE CAME BACK DIFFERENT THEN THE FIRST...SO THEY KEPT MY ASS WITH THE INTENTION OF DOING AN ECHO AND A STRESS TEST... AFTER A NIGHT OF BLOOD WORK AND EKGS AND VITALS THEY OPTED OUT OF THE ECHO AND STRESS TESTS AND DECIDED TO SEND ME HOME ANYWAY. OF COURSE I ONLY FEEL MARGINALLY BETTER BUT WHAT DO THEY CARE? SO I HOME I WENT AND SPENT THE NEXT TWO DAYS IN BED. I AM BACK AT WORK TODAY AND HAVE A FOLLOW UP WITH MY PRIMARY WHO I CALL DR. DONOTHING. IT SEEMS LIKE SOME DAMN CONSPIRACY OF THE UNIVERSE TO KEEP ME FROM TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. WELL DEAR UNIVERSE, TOO FUCKING BAD, PLANS ARE MOVING FORWARD AND YOU WILL NOT STAND IN MY WAY !!
Monday, October 26, 2009
So I am DEPRESSED. I mean who isn't depressed at one point in their lives or another? Well, it seems that I am depressed at all points of my life lately. I wish I could say it is all because of this crazy last few years of ups and downs in ttc but it isn't. The truth is I have been this way since I was a little girl. The truth is I spend most of my time trying to appear happy when inside I feel the complete opposite. It is extremely tiring to spend all your time pretending. Actually, it is fucking exhausting!! I used to be really good at it, now it appears my slip is showing.
Mental illness runs far and deep in my family and I guess I have known that there is something wrong for what seems like forever, and a few years ago I was officially diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder for you sane people) but if you ask me it is the wrong diagnosis. I went to the psychiatrist once and within the first 20 minutes she suggested meds. Now, I am all for everyone doing what works for them, but I personally do not want to be on medication especially after only talking to this woman for 20 minutes. It was right after my son really started having a hard time with his Tourettes, I found myself always crying when he wasn't looking because I could not make it better for him and I did not want him to see me upset about it... to me that sounds like normal mother/child response but then I am not a pill pushing doctor.
That being said... I think I need to talk to someone and my ENTIRE family agrees. I just don't know how all this is going to affect our ttc plans. I think I am most afraid of someone telling me that the things/people that I want/need most in my life are my biggest problems. What to do what to do? I don't really want to do anything. It seems that I am really good at helping people with their problems and feelings... but what about mine? I can't talk about or deal with my own.
WHY NOW?... So, I had a bit of a breakdown the other day and now everyone is looking at me with the side eye like I am gonna find the highest building and take a walk off it... but that isn't the case and frankly I find it annoying that everybody worries when I "don't act like myself" but never during their everyday lives do they consider that like everyone else I am not ok and maybe they should stop talking about their problems for long enough to ask me and genuinely give a fuck about mine. Now everybody is all concerned and upset but maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't have gotten to this point if they had taken a minute to ask before. Then again probably not, they all point fingers at each other for me feeling this way. They all tell me not to worry so much about the others and not to let them weigh me down with all their crap etc... but every single one of those people is a taker. They are the ones who take from me all the time leaving me with nothing in return except worry... lots and lots of worry. Quite frankly I am kinda over it and at this moment the thing that worries me the most is not that underneath the facade of happiness I am depressed but that underneath the depression secretly I don't give a fuck anymore. So what is worse?
Thursday, October 8, 2009
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING WIFE!! IT IS MOMENTS LIKE THIS WHEN CELEBRATING SOMEONE I LOVE SO MUCH THAT I CAN REMEMBER TO BE THANKFUL FOR THE THINGS THAT I DO HAVE AND NOT FOCUS ON THE THINGS THAT I DON'T. IN HER I HAVE AN AMAZING WIFE WHO IS MY BEST FRIEND, MY BIGGEST SUPPORTER, MY SHOULDER TO CRY ON, MY WALL TO BOUNCE OFF OF, A GREAT MOTHER TO OUR SONS AND THE BEST PERSON FOR ME. WE ARE SO DIFFERENT YET FIT SO PERFECTLY TOGETHER. SHE GETS ME EVEN WHEN I DON'T GET MYSELF. WE FIGHT LIKE ALL OTHER COUPLES AND GOD KNOWS PROBABLY UNLIKE OTHER COUPLES AS WELL BUT IN THE END IT IS OK BECAUSE IT IS NOT WITH EACH OTHER AS MUCH AS FOR EACH OTHER THAT WE DO SO. I LOVE HER WITH ALL OF MY BEING AND AM GRATEFUL EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR HER, EVEN THE DAYS WE WANT TO KILL EACH OTHER.. LOL. SHE HAS MY HEART FOREVER AND IF I AM LUCKY, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE HERS. SO TO MY BEAUTIFUL DAWN, I LOVE YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND THANK YOU.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
TODAY IS MY FIRST DAY OF CLOMID - DIRECTIONS WERE SIMPLE, PLACE PILL IN HANE, PUT PILL DOWN, PLACE PILL IN HAND, PUT PILL DOWN, REPEAT ABOUT 5 MORE TIMES THEN SWALLOW PILL WITH A GLASS OF WATER, CONTINUE TO DO THIS FOR 4 MORE DAYS, HOLD BREATHE, WAIT SEVERAL DAYS, GET KD CONTRIBUTION, ATTEMPT AT TO GET PG, NEXT DAY REPEAT, THEN HOLD BREATH FOR TWO WEEKS AND ONE WAY OR ANOTHER CRY. SOUNDS SIMPLE ENOUGH. (EYEROLL) SO HERE WE GO, FOR REAL THIS TIME, I AM ALL KINDS OF NERVOUS, SCARED, EXCITED ETC... I WILL SEE ABOUT POSTING DURING THIS TIME BUT IF I AM TOO F**KED UP IN THE HEAD THEN I WON'T UNTIL THE 1ST POAS. OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
DAWN, I LOVE YOU. 10 YEARS AGO, 5 YEARS AGO, TODAY AND FOREVER I AM YOURS.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
ON A SEPARATE NOTE... I CAN NOT WAIT UNTIL JULY FOR OUR R FAMILY ALASKA CRUISE WITH OUR BEAUTIFUL BOYS. WE CAN ALL USE A VACATION.
Monday, June 8, 2009
WELL, THE RESULTS ARE IN AND I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE ALL CLEAR TO GO AHEAD WITHOUT A FOLLOW UP CT (BY CHOICE) FOR A WHOLE YEAR. THIS IS GOOD NEWS...RIGHT??? I AM FACED WITH THE SUDDEN REALIZATION THAT NOW THAT I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO WORRY ABOUT HEALTHWISE, I AM PLAGUED WITH ALL KINDS OF DOUBTS ABOUT OUR TTC PLANS. SUCKY TIMING, SUCKY FEELINGS, SUCKY ME.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
OK, I WAS APPROVED MY FIRST FOLLOW UP CT SCAN AND IT IS TODAY AT 5:30. I AM GONNA HAVE TO HOLD MY BREATHE UNTIL NEXT WEEK FOR THE RESULTS. IF IT COMES BACK BAD THEN NO BABY MAKING UNTIL THE SITUATION IS TAKEN CARE OF... WHATEVER THE SITUATION MAY BE. IF IT COMES BACK FINE, WE HAVE TO CONSCIOUSLY DECIDE THAT WE ARE GONNA PUT OFF ALL MY FOLLOW UP CT SCANS UNTIL, WE HAVE DELIVERED A HEALTHY BABY OR STOPPED TTC. EITHER WAY IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE THIS TEST IS GONNA RESOLVE ANYTHING AS MUCH AS MAKE THINGS WORSE IN A WAY. THE DOCTOR RECOMMENDS FOLLOW UP CT SCANS FOR 2 YEARS, HAVING ONE DONE EVERY 3 MONTHS. LET'S SAY IT TAKES US THREE MONTHS TO GET PREGNANT AND 9 MONTHS TO DELIVER, I HAVE TO DECIDE TO FOREGO FOLLOW UP FOR A WHOLE YEAR WITH NO GUARANTEE THAT THE THYMUS WON'T "GO BAD" - IT SEEMS O EASY FOR ME TO SAY, NO PROBLEM, BUT I ALREADY HAVE TO KIDS AND A WHOLE FAMILY TO THINK ABOUT. WHAT IF I MAKE THE WRONG DECISION AND PUT MYSELF AND OUR FUTURE BABY IN DANGER?!?! WHAT IF WE HOLD OFF ONCE AGAIN AND WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, I AM FINE BUT COMPLETELY INFERTILE (REMEMBER I AM RUNNING ON ALMOST EMPTY IN THE EGG DEPARTMENT) - SO MANY DECISIONS SO LITTLE TIME. I REMEMBER WHEN BEING 32 DIDN'T SEEM SO OLD, ONE FREAKING MIS EXAM AND THAT WAS ALL SHOT TO HELL AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I AM 90.
I AM SO TIRED OF ALL THE "IT WILL ALL BE OKs" AND THE "I AM PRAYING FOR YOUs" AND THE "HANG IN THEREs"... THEY ARE NICE, AND REAL SWEET AND DON'T DO A FUCKING THING TO MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER, NO MATTER HOW MUCH THE PEOPLE SAYING IT LOVE ME. IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL LIKE ANYTHING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT. I AM SICK ABOUT ALL OF THIS. TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND SEEM LIKE I AM FINE IS FUCKING BULLSHIT AND DRIVING ME CRAZIER.
BUT HERE I GO, INHALE DEEP, HOLD BREATHE, HOPE FOR THE BEST, AND FACE THE WORLD WITH A PLASTERED ON SMILE... AT LEAST UNTIL NEXT WEEK. SO TELL ME YOU ARE PRAYING FOR ME AND THAT I SHOULD HANG IN THERE BECAUSE THINGS WILL BE OK, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I DON'T THINK IT HELPS, MAYBE IF YOU ALL DO, IT WILL. I DON'T LIKE TO ASK FOR HELP... BUT I NEED IT.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I CAN NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME KEEP MY THOUGHTS IN ONE DIRECTION. I AM SO SCARED OF EVERYTHING LATELY. I AM MY OWN DEVILS ADVOCATE. EVERY TIME I HAVE A GOOD THOUGHT THE OTHER ME COMES UP WITH A BAD ONE TO COUNTER (OR 2 OR 3) I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE ABOUT WHAT IS TO COME BUT IT IS REALLY HARD TO DO. I AM WAITING FOR MY CHEST CT APPOINTMENT TO BE SCHEDULED. I KNOW THAT I REALLY SHOULDN'T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING UNTIL AFTER THAT BECAUSE REALLY, THAT IS GONNA BE THE JUMPING OFF POINT FOR WHETHER OR NOT WE CAN GO FORWARD WITH THE TTC OR HAVE TO WAIT (YET AGAIN) FOR ANOTHER 3 MONTH SCAN. I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT EVERYTHING. IT CONSUMES MY DAYS AND IT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT. IT IS SOMETHING THAT I STRUGGLE WITH EVERY DAY. IT IS NOT JUST THE TTC STUFF OR THE CT STUFF THAT HAS ME FEELING CRAZY, IT IS EVERY THING. I AM ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING. I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE ARE SO MANY LOOSE ENDS THAT NEED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF. I AM BY NO MEANS A CONTROL FREAK, BUT I FEEL LIKE EVERY SINGLE THING AROUND ME IS OUT OF MY CONTROL... EVEN MY THOUGHTS. I AM JUST TRYING TO GET BY AND ENJOY AS MANY MOMENTS AS I CAN. BUT I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I AM WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP. MAYBE I AM. MAYBE SOME WHERE INSIDE OF ME THERE (NOT SO HIDDEN) THERE IS A PART OF ME THAT EXPECTS THE WORSE BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL TRULY WORTHY OF HAPPINESS. I KNOW THERAPY SOUNDS LIKE AN OPTION, AND IT IS ONE I HAVE TRIED (VERY BRIEFLY) AND CONSIDERED TYING AGAIN, BUT HONESTLY, I DON'T THINK IT IS SOMETHING I CAN REALLY DO WELL WITH. I AM NICE AND OPEN ON HERE AND WRITING ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, BUT ASK MY WIFE AND SHE WILL TELL YOU, I DO NOT LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS, IT HURTS TOO MUCH. IT IS LIKE OPENING UP A POORLY HEALED WOUND THAT WILL ONLY TAKE THAT MUCH LONGER TO HEAL AND IN THE END WILL JUST SCAR WORSE. THERE IS NO DETACHMENT IN TALKING. I CAN'T SPEAK OF MY FEELINGS IN A WAY THAT ALLOWS ME TO REMOVE MYSELF FROM THEM. I KNOW THAT IS THE POINT OF THERAPY AND THAT IS WHY IT HELPS IN THE END AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BUT JUST CAN'T DO IT. ALTHOUGH READING BACK WHAT I JUST WROTE I CAN TOTALLY SEE THAT I NEED IT. LOL.
ON A BRIGHTER NOTE... WE ARE GOING TO FAMILY CAMP THIS WEEKEND. I CAN'T WAIT. I LOVE GOING THERE AND I LOVE GETTING AWAY WITH DAWN AND THE BOYS. AS AN ADDED BONUS, I RECENTLY RECONNECTED WITH MY CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND AND SHE AND HER HUSBAND AND KIDS ARE COMING WITH US. I MISSED HER SO MUCH AND I AM GLAD THAT WE ARE GETTING A SECOND CHANCE. THERE WERE SO MANY TIMES OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS I NEEDED HER. OH LORD, NOW I AM CRYING, I GUESS MY DETACH BUTTON IS NOT WORKING SO WELL TODAY. ANYWAY, HERE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO AN AWESOME WEEKEND. HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY YOURS.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I HAD THE HSG THE OTHER DAY AND LEFT ME FIRST SAY THIS... HOLY FUCKING CRAP THAT SHIT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!! OK, NOW THAT HAVING BEEN SAID. THE DOCTOR WHO DID IT SAID ALL LOOKED GOOD. THAT IS THE FIRST STRAIGHT UP GOOD THING I HAVE HEARD SO FAR. THIS WHOLE EXPERIENCE THUS FAR HAS BEEN ONE SHITTY THING AFTER THE OTHER BUT NOW THERE IS HOPE. IS IT BEYOND STUPID OF ME TO HOLD ONTO A GOOD LOOKING UTERUS AND A FINE PAIR OF FALLOPIAN TUBES AS OMENS OF GOOD THINGS TO COME CONSIDERING THE LOW EGG THING? WELL, SCREW IT, I WILL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET LATELY.
OF COURSE THE FINAL STEPS TO THIS EPIPHANY WERE ROUGH ONES. AS I BELIEVE I SAID EARLIER THERE WAS A HUGE LAPSE OF COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE RE'S OFFICE, THE HSG OFFICE AND MY INSURANCE. DAWN AND I LEFT OUR HOUSE EARLY ENOUGH TO ENSURE A VISIT TO THE RE'S OFFICE BEFORE MY APPOINTMENT ON THE 9TH FLOOR. WE GET THERE AND THE BILLING LADY TELLS ME WITHOUT FLINCHING THAT I DO NOT NEED A REFERRAL AT ALL BECAUSE I REGISTERED WITH MY INSURANCE'S INFERTILITY HOTLINE. I EXPLAIN TO HER AGAIN, ALMOST IN TEARS FROM FRUSTRATION AND ANGER THAT I WOULD REALLY LIKE FOR HER TO DOUBLE CHECK AND TALK TO THEM UPSTAIRS BECAUSE THE GIRL WAS REAL NASTY TO ME AND MY INSURANCE GAVE ME COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INFORMATION. SO DAWN AND I GO SIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT FOR WHAT SEEMS LIKE A FREAKING ETERNITY. WE SEE HER COME OUT AND THE LOOK ON HER FACE WAS LIKE A BULLET THROUGH THE HEART TO ME. HOWEVER, THE LOOK WAS THANKS TO THE STUPID BITCH ON THE 9TH FLOOR. APPARENTLY THE BILLING LADY WAS ABLE TO CONFIRM THROUGH THE INFERTILITY LINE THAT SHE WAS RIGHT, I DID NOT NEED A REFERRAL AT ALL, SHE THEN CALLED THE BIOTCH UPSTAIRS TO EXPLAIN AND HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCE I DID. IT WAS SO BAD SHE HUNG UP ON THE 9TH FLOOR BITCH. THEN SHE TELLS ME THAT WHILE SHE WAS TRYING TO VERIFY WITH MY REGULAR INSURANCE SHE WAS TOLD THAT AS OF 1/09 I AM NO LONGER COVERED FOR IUIs - ONLY BASIC TESTING. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BELIEVE IT OR NOT I CHOKED BACK THE HORROR OF THAT STATEMENT AND DECIDED TO KEEP ON DOING WHAT I COULD DO WHICH WAS TAKE MY ASS UPSTAIRS TO MY HSG APPT AND WORRY ABOUT THE INSURANCE THING LATER.
THE BITCH UPSTAIRS HAD MAJOR ATTITUDE AND WAS KIND ENOUGH TO TELL ME AGAIN THAT MY INSURANCE SAID I NEED A REFERRAL AND IF I HAD TO PAY BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T COVER IT - IT WASN'T HER FAULT BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME. WE WAITED AWHILE AND IT SUCKED. I WAS REALLY SCARED AND JUST WANTED TO TURN TAIL AND RUN. AFTER WELL PAST MY APPOINTMENT TIME THEY CAME TO GET ME. A YOUNG GIRL WHO HAD BEEN STANDING WITH THE BITCH WHEN I CAME IN CAME TO GET ME AND TOOK ME TO THE CHANGING ROOM. NOW... I AM A BIG GIRL AND OF COURSE THOSE STUPID GOWNS DON'T EVEN CLOSE ON ME AND RIDE UP TO BOOT SO SHE COME S TO GET ME AND I AM TRYING MY BEST TO COVER MY GOODS WHEN I ASK HER IF I CAN HAVE ANOTHER GOWN TO COVER MYSELF WHILE I WALK TO THE ROOM, SHE LOOKS ME UP AND DOWN AND SAYS, "OH, WE ARE GONNA SEE IT ANYWAY" AND BEFORE I CAN EVEN BLINK SHE HAS SHUFFLED ME OFF TO THE ROOM. I GOT UP ON THE TABLE, ASSUMED THE POSITION AND HELD MY BREATHE. THE TEST WAS PAINFUL AND I FELT A LITTLE HUMILIATED AND I CRIED, CORRECTION, SOBBED SILENTLY. BUT THROUGH THE TEARS I HEARD THE WORDS THAT MADE IT ALL WORTHWHILE... "EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD."
IT TOOK ME A COUPLE OF DAYS TO FEEL BETTER. ALOT OF CRAMPING AND BLEEDING AND BLOATING. BUT IT WAS ALL GOOD IN THE END. TO TOP IT OFF I CALLED MY INSURANCE MONDAY MORNING AND WAS TOLD THAT I AM INDEED STILL COVERED FOR UNLIMITED IUIs - SO LET'S KEEP THE GOOD NEWS COMING... I GOTTA SCHEDULE MY 2ND CHEST CT FOR NEXT MONTH.
IN THE MEANTIME, DAWN AND I ARE FOCUSING ON GETTING OUR BOYS READY FOR THEIR CONFIRMATION THIS MONTH SO WE ARE KEEPING VERY BUSY... THANK GOD!!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I SWEAR IT SEEMS LIKE WHENEVER EVERYTHING IS GOING ALONG NICELY SOMETHING FUCKS IT ALL UP. I MADE MY APPOINTMENT FOR THE HSG FOR THIS FRIDAY. IT SEEMED EASY ENOUGH TO DO. I WAS TOLD TO CALL THE 2ND DAY OF WHATEVER CYCLE AND THAT THE APPOINTMENT WOULD BE MADE FOR BETWEEN THE 5TH AND 10TH DAY OF MY CYCLE. THIS WORKED OUT GREAT. DAWN IS OFF FROM WORK SO SHE CAN GO WITH ME AND IT IS A FRIDAY WHICH GIVES ME THE WHOLE WEEKEND TO RELAX AFTER. I WAS TOLD IN THE BEGINNING THAT SINCE THEY HAD ME REGISTER WITH THE INFERTILITY PART OF MY INSURANCE I WOULD JUST BE ABLE TO HAVE TREATMENT WITHOUT HAVING TO GO THROUGH MY PRIMARY. MADE MY APPOINTMENT AND THEY TOLD ME I NEED A SLIP OF PAPER FROM THE RE, I HAD THAT ALREADY BECAUSE SHE GAVE IT TO ME AFTER THE FIRST APPOINTMENT FOR WHENEVER I WAS READY TO GO FOR THE HSG - HOWEVER, IT WAS NOT SIGNED, NO PROBLEM, THEY ARE IN THE SAME BUILDING, I CAN GET IT SIGNED BEFORE I GO FOR THE TEST... AND THE NEXT DAY THE RECEPTIONIST CALLS ME BACK TO TELL ME I NEED A REFERRAL FROM MY PRIMARY, I CALL THE RE'S BILLING OFFICE SINCE THEY HANDLED EVERYTHING SO FAR AND THEY TELL ME NO, I NEED NO REFERRALS BECAUSE I AM REGISTERED IN THE INFERTILITY PROGRAM. I CALL THE RECEPTIOINST BACK AND NOW SHE IS A NASTY DOUCHE AND TALKS TO ME LIKE I AM A FUCKING IDIOT. SHE IS UNMOVED AND TELLS ME I NEED THE REFERRAL, SHE SPOKE TO MY INSURANCE, IF I DON'T HAVE IT AND I NEED IT, THEY WILL NOT SEE ME, I EXPLAIN THAT I AM REGISTERED IN FOR INFERTILITY TREATMENT, SHE SAYS ALL SHE ASKED ABOUT WAS THE TEST, THAT IS HER JOB, IF I HAVE QUESTIONS CALL THE INSURANCE. I CALL MY INSURANCE, THEY TELL ME I NEED A REFERRAL FROM MY PRIMARY, I TELL THEM I AM REGISTERED FOR INFERTILITY TREATMENT, THEY PUT ME ON HOLD AND TELL ME I STILL NEED A REFERRAL BUT FROM THE RE NOT MY PRIMARY, I AM IN TEARS WHEN I HANG UP. I CALL THE RE OFFICE BACK AND SPEAK TO THE RECEPTIOINST, SHE TELLS ME ALL I NEED IS THE ORIGINAL SLIP THAT THE DOCTOR GAVE ME, COME IN BEFORE THE TEST AND THEY WILL SIGN IT. I FEEL LIKE I ENDED WHERE I STARTED. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN WHEN I GET THERE BUT I AM STILL GONNA GO AND WING IT. WHY IS IT EVEN THE EASY THINGS ARE DIFFICULT? I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT THE HELL IS GONNA HAPPEN WHEN WE ACTUALLY GET THE GO AHEAD TO QUIT THE PREP WORK AND GET STARTED.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
I AM TIRED OF SITTING ON MY EXTREMELY FAT ASS DOING NOTHING. SINCE I AM ON A FORCED TIME OUT UNTIL THE NEXT CT SCAN THEN I AM GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE FAT ASS THING. I AM STARTING A DIET TODAY. I AM DOING A TWO DAY DETOX AND THEN WEIGHT WATCHERS. I HAVE TRIED THIS BEFORE BUT THIS TIME I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL!!!! I AM GONNA GET MYSELF HEALTHIER FOR ME, MY FAMILY, MY CHANCES OF GETTING PREGNANT... EVERY REASON THINKABLE AND SOME THAT I AM GONNA MAKE UP IF THE ONES I HAVE DON'T SEEM TO ENCOURAGE THE RABBIT FOOD EATING.
I AM GONNA LOSE FUCKING WEIGHT... EVEN IF I HAVE TO TAKE HOSTAGES. LOL.
*** DISCLAIMER: I CAN ALMOST GUARANTEE THAT I AM GONNA BE ONE CRANKY ASS MEGA BITCH FROM NOW UNTIL JUDGEMENT DAY (NOT LIKE MY LITTLE MARY SUNSHINE EVERYDAY SELF) SO BARE WITH ME AND RIDE IT OUT OR GRAB A PIECE OF CAKE AND FUCK OFF. LOL
Friday, March 27, 2009
SO THE LATEST WORD IS... NOTHING. THIS IS ACTUALLY A GOOD THING. ON MONDAY I DECIDED TO CALL (WE DON'T)CARECORE TO CHECK ON MY PET SCAN APPROVAL. I WAS TOLD IT WAS DENIED. THIS WAS NOT A BIG SURPRISE AS THEY LOVE TO DENY THINGS TO THEN APPROVE IT AFTER YOUR DOCTOR APPEALS. THEY TOLD ME THEY FAXED THE DENIAL TO THE DOC ON FRIDAY AND SINCE I KNOW THEY ARE NOT IN TILL TUESDAY I FIGURED I WOULD HEAR FROM THEM SOON. NOT 30 SECONDS AFTER I HUNG UP WITH THEM, I GOT A CALL FROM MY PULMONOLOGIST'S RECEPTIONIST SAYING THAT I WAS TO GET INTO HIS OFFICE THE NEXT DAY. I ASKED HER IF IT WAS ABOUT THE DENIAL AND SHE HAD NO CLUE WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. SHE WOULDN'T /COULDN'T TELL ME WHAT WAS SO URGENT BUT REITERATED THAT IT WAS IMPERATIVE I GET TO THE OFFICE THE NEXT DAY. CUE THE IMPENDING DOOM MUSIC. LET ME JUST SAY I SPENT THE NEXT DAY FEELING AS IF I WERE GONNA BE RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL FOR EMERGENCY SURGERY. I WAS SURE THEY SAW SOMETHING THEY MISSED BEFORE AND THAT MY NUMBER WAS UP. DRAMATIC? MAYBE... BUT I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE THINKING THIS. HOWEVER MY OLD FRIEND (TAKE IT HOW YOU WANT TO "T", YOU ARE OLDER) WHO IS A NURSE TOLD ME THAT MAYBE IT WAS TO TELL ME HE WAS WRONG AND I DIDN'T NEED THE TEST. I LAUGHED BECAUSE WTF KIND OF CRAZY SHIT IS THAT?!?!? IT IS A GOOD THING SHE IS A PEDIATRIC NURSE BECAUSE ONLY KIDS COULD BELIEVE THAT KINDA CRAP. ANYWAY, I WAS STILL GRATEFUL FOR THE POSITIVE THOUGHTS BECAUSE I WAS GETTING DOOMSDAY VIBES FROM EVERYONE ELSE (EVEN MY WIFE WAS GIVING OFF A FEAR I HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE ALTHOUGH SHE WAS THE PICTURE OF STRENGTH ON THE OUTSIDE) ANYWAY, I SPENT MOST OF TUESDAY CRYING, PRAYING, CURSING, CRYING, PRAYING, CURSING ETC... WE GET THERE AN HOUR EARLY (B/C WHO THE HELL KNOWS HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE LEFT, RIGHT?) WE WAIT, I GO IN... NOTHING!!!! HOLY SHIT "T" WAS RIGHT (ONCE IN 26 YEARS. LOL) HE JUST WANTED TO TELL ME THAT THE PET SCAN WAS DENIED (WTF!!!! DIDN'T I ASK ABOUT THIS?!?!?) AND TO TELL ME WHY IT WAS DENIED AND THAT IF HE FELT THAT THERE WAS EVEN A 1% CHANCE THAT THIS WAS THE THYMIC CANCER HE WANTED TO RULE OUT WE WOULD FIGHT IT, BUT THAT HE DOESN'T, SO WE WON'T INSTEAD WE WILL JUST FOLLOW UP WITH A CT SCAN IN MAY... (UMMMM... WASN'T THIS THE FUCKING PLAN ALREADY DOCTOR???) HE DOES FOLLOW UP WITH HE STILL THINKS IT DOES NOT LOOK "KOSHER" BUT THAT HE ISN'T TOO WORRIED? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IF YOU WEREN'T WORRIED WHY ORDER THE TEST WHEN WE WERE GONNA HAVE THE CT ANYWAY? I ASKED HIM IF I SHOULD PULL TOGETHER THE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FOR THE DAMN PET SCAN ANYWAY, BECAUSE IF I SHOULD HAVE IT THEN INSURANCE BE DAMNED I AM GONNA HAVE IT.... HE SAYS NO AND GIVES ME THE WHOLE 1% SPEECH AGAIN.
NOW DO NOT GET ME WRONG... I AM THRILLED THAT I WAS NOT TOLD SOMETHING HORRIBLE WHEN I WENT IN THERE BECAUSE I WAS CONVINCED I WAS DYING. BUT I AM STILL FEELING UNNERVED ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING. WOULDN'T YOU?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
SO NOW I AM WAITING FOR THE RESULTS OF THE CHEST X-RAY AND ABDOMINAL/PELVIC CT SCANS. I SHOULD HEAR FROM THE DOCTOR EITHER TUESDAY OR WEDNESDAY. I FEEL LIKE I AM ALWAYS WAITING FOR SOMETHING BUT I WILL NEVER GET TO THE INFAMOUS TWW. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I KNOW THAT IF THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME IT IS BETTER TO KNOW THEN NOT, ESPECIALLY SINCE WE ARE TRYING TO TRY AND GET PREGNANT (BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN GIVEN THE PERMISSION TO ACTUALLY TRY YET) HOWEVER, THAT BEING SAID... IT IS VERY DISCOURAGING TO HAVE ALL THIS BACK AND FORTH AND WORRY AND WAITING BEFORE WE EVEN BEGIN TO TRY. I MEAN DON'T THESE DOCTORS KNOW THAT I HAVE LOW OVARIAN RESERVE?!?!? C'MON PEOPLE, THE LONGER I WAIT THE HARDER IT IS GONNA BE!!! I GUESS THAT SOUNDS TOO CRAZY TO ACTUALLY TELL A DOCTOR , BUT EVERY DAY THAT PASSES I GET THAT MUCH CLOSER TO CRAZY ANYWAY. I RESCHEDULED MY RE APPOINTMENT FOR THE NEXT TIME DAWN IS OFF, FREAKING APRIL, BY THAT TIME I HOPE TO HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE ALL CLEAR, AND IF NOT, THEN I HOPE TO AT LEAST KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ME AND IN THE MIDDLE OF KICKING WHATEVER IT IS' ASS!!! ALL THIS RANTING AND RAVING AND IN THE END... I STILL HAVE TO WAIT.