THIS WAS ME YESTERDAY...ACTUALLY, THIS IS ME MOST DAYS. I FEEL SO NEGATIVE ABOUT HOW THINGS WILL TURN OUT. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO HOPE. LIKE I AM JUST GONNA GO THROUGH WITH THIS TO FIND OUT WHAT I ALREADY KNOW... I AM GONNA FAIL. WHAT A SHITTY FUCKING ATTITUDE TO HAVE... I KNOW IT, I BELIEVE IT AND YET I CAN'T HELP IT. THEN THERE ARE THOSE DAYS WHEN I CAN ALMOST FEEL OUR BABY IN MY ARMS (OF COURSE IT IS A GIRL IN THIS SCENARIO BECAUSE WE ALREADY HAVE 2 BOYS AND I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE ANOTHER BOY ALTHOUGH I KNOW IT WOULDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE) THAT'S HOW SURE I AM THAT WE WILL SUCCEED. HOW IS IT THAT I CAN FEEL THIS WAY WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING GIVEN IT A TRY. IT IS THIS WHOLE DAMN EGG COUNT THING THAT HAS ME SO FUCKING CRAZY!! I SWEAR TO GOD I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING DIED IN ME WHEN SHE TOLD ME HOW LOW MY OVARIAN RESERVE WAS... AND I CAN ALMOST HEAR THEM DISAPPEARING INTO THIN AIR AS WE SPEAK. THE SECONDS ON THE OLD BIOLOGICAL CLOCK TICKING SO LOUDLY IN MY HEAD THAT MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE IT WILL EXPLODE. HOW DO I SAY ALL THIS WITHOUT SOUNDING CRAZY??? THEN AGAIN, WHO CARES IF I SOUND CRAZY... I FEEL CRAZY. I FEEL LIKE THE MORE I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT THE MORE I DO. THE MORE I TRY TO GIVE MYSELF THE OLD " WHAT HAPPENS HAPPENS AND IT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING" PEP TALK THE MORE I CALL BULLSHIT ON ALL THAT WHATEVER WILL BE WILL BE ATTITUDE. DAWN TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT I HAVE ALREADY SET MYSELF UP FOR FAILURE AND THAT STRESS WILL ONLY BE A BAD THING FOR TTC... AND (NO OFFENSE MY LOVE) BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...I KNOW ALL OF THIS AND IF I COULD I WOULD STOP BUT I CAN'T!! I HAVE NEVER FELT SO COMPLETELY POWERLESS AND OUT OF CONTROL IN MY LIFE. THE WORSE PART IS WE HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED INSEMINATION YET. WE ARE PUSHED TO AUGUST (IF I GET THE CLEARANCE FROM THE PULMONOLOGIST TO SKIP MY CTs) BECAUSE OF MY CYCLES. WHAT HAPPENS THEN? WE AGREED TO ONLY A FEW MONTHS OF TRYING. I FEEL LIKE HOW CAN I NOT FEEL LIKE I WILL FAIL HER? FAIL US? WE HAVE SO MUCH AGAINST US. IT IS LIKE THE CARDS WERE ALREADY DEALT AND YET HERE WE ARE STILL WAITING FOR A CHANCE TO SIT AT THE TABLE. HOW CAN I FEEL POSITIVE AND HOPEFUL WHEN I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I FAILED?
AND AFTER ALL THIS AND LOTS OF TEARS AND MY TELLING HER THAT I NEED HOPE ...WE GET OUT OF THE CAR AND ON THE FLOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WET SIDEWALK AND UNDER MY FOOT IS RIBBON... BLUE AND PURPLE TIED TOGETHER INTERTWINED. BLUE AND PURPLE... OUR WEDDING COLORS. DAWN SAYS IT IS A SIGN. I SECRETLY PRAY IT IS. HOURS LATER WE GET HOME AND I AM STILL BUMMED AND TALKING ABOUT FEELING HOPELESS AND OPENING MY JUNK MAIL (INSTEAD OF JUST TOSSING IT) THAT HAS BEEN SITTING ON THE COUCH FOR ABOUT A WEEK OR SO... AND IN AN ENVELOPE AMONG RANDOM ADVERTISEMENTS IS ONE FOR A LITTLE GIRL FAIRY STATUE... NAMED HOPE. DAWN SAYS IT IS A SIGN. I AM PRETTY SURE IT WAS. SO TODAY IS A LITTLE BETTER.... BUT LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE... WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING.
BTW - CHECK THE COLORS OF THE PIC ABOVE...
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