I CAN NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME KEEP MY THOUGHTS IN ONE DIRECTION. I AM SO SCARED OF EVERYTHING LATELY. I AM MY OWN DEVILS ADVOCATE. EVERY TIME I HAVE A GOOD THOUGHT THE OTHER ME COMES UP WITH A BAD ONE TO COUNTER (OR 2 OR 3) I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE ABOUT WHAT IS TO COME BUT IT IS REALLY HARD TO DO. I AM WAITING FOR MY CHEST CT APPOINTMENT TO BE SCHEDULED. I KNOW THAT I REALLY SHOULDN'T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING UNTIL AFTER THAT BECAUSE REALLY, THAT IS GONNA BE THE JUMPING OFF POINT FOR WHETHER OR NOT WE CAN GO FORWARD WITH THE TTC OR HAVE TO WAIT (YET AGAIN) FOR ANOTHER 3 MONTH SCAN. I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT EVERYTHING. IT CONSUMES MY DAYS AND IT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT. IT IS SOMETHING THAT I STRUGGLE WITH EVERY DAY. IT IS NOT JUST THE TTC STUFF OR THE CT STUFF THAT HAS ME FEELING CRAZY, IT IS EVERY THING. I AM ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING. I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE ARE SO MANY LOOSE ENDS THAT NEED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF. I AM BY NO MEANS A CONTROL FREAK, BUT I FEEL LIKE EVERY SINGLE THING AROUND ME IS OUT OF MY CONTROL... EVEN MY THOUGHTS. I AM JUST TRYING TO GET BY AND ENJOY AS MANY MOMENTS AS I CAN. BUT I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I AM WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP. MAYBE I AM. MAYBE SOME WHERE INSIDE OF ME THERE (NOT SO HIDDEN) THERE IS A PART OF ME THAT EXPECTS THE WORSE BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL TRULY WORTHY OF HAPPINESS. I KNOW THERAPY SOUNDS LIKE AN OPTION, AND IT IS ONE I HAVE TRIED (VERY BRIEFLY) AND CONSIDERED TYING AGAIN, BUT HONESTLY, I DON'T THINK IT IS SOMETHING I CAN REALLY DO WELL WITH. I AM NICE AND OPEN ON HERE AND WRITING ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, BUT ASK MY WIFE AND SHE WILL TELL YOU, I DO NOT LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS, IT HURTS TOO MUCH. IT IS LIKE OPENING UP A POORLY HEALED WOUND THAT WILL ONLY TAKE THAT MUCH LONGER TO HEAL AND IN THE END WILL JUST SCAR WORSE. THERE IS NO DETACHMENT IN TALKING. I CAN'T SPEAK OF MY FEELINGS IN A WAY THAT ALLOWS ME TO REMOVE MYSELF FROM THEM. I KNOW THAT IS THE POINT OF THERAPY AND THAT IS WHY IT HELPS IN THE END AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BUT JUST CAN'T DO IT. ALTHOUGH READING BACK WHAT I JUST WROTE I CAN TOTALLY SEE THAT I NEED IT. LOL.
ON A BRIGHTER NOTE... WE ARE GOING TO FAMILY CAMP THIS WEEKEND. I CAN'T WAIT. I LOVE GOING THERE AND I LOVE GETTING AWAY WITH DAWN AND THE BOYS. AS AN ADDED BONUS, I RECENTLY RECONNECTED WITH MY CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND AND SHE AND HER HUSBAND AND KIDS ARE COMING WITH US. I MISSED HER SO MUCH AND I AM GLAD THAT WE ARE GETTING A SECOND CHANCE. THERE WERE SO MANY TIMES OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS I NEEDED HER. OH LORD, NOW I AM CRYING, I GUESS MY DETACH BUTTON IS NOT WORKING SO WELL TODAY. ANYWAY, HERE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO AN AWESOME WEEKEND. HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY YOURS.
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