WAITING TO EXHALE

OK, I WAS APPROVED MY FIRST FOLLOW UP CT SCAN AND IT IS TODAY AT 5:30. I AM GONNA HAVE TO HOLD MY BREATHE UNTIL NEXT WEEK FOR THE RESULTS. IF IT COMES BACK BAD THEN NO BABY MAKING UNTIL THE SITUATION IS TAKEN CARE OF... WHATEVER THE SITUATION MAY BE. IF IT COMES BACK FINE, WE HAVE TO CONSCIOUSLY DECIDE THAT WE ARE GONNA PUT OFF ALL MY FOLLOW UP CT SCANS UNTIL, WE HAVE DELIVERED A HEALTHY BABY OR STOPPED TTC. EITHER WAY IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE THIS TEST IS GONNA RESOLVE ANYTHING AS MUCH AS MAKE THINGS WORSE IN A WAY. THE DOCTOR RECOMMENDS FOLLOW UP CT SCANS FOR 2 YEARS, HAVING ONE DONE EVERY 3 MONTHS. LET'S SAY IT TAKES US THREE MONTHS TO GET PREGNANT AND 9 MONTHS TO DELIVER, I HAVE TO DECIDE TO FOREGO FOLLOW UP FOR A WHOLE YEAR WITH NO GUARANTEE THAT THE THYMUS WON'T "GO BAD" - IT SEEMS O EASY FOR ME TO SAY, NO PROBLEM, BUT I ALREADY HAVE TO KIDS AND A WHOLE FAMILY TO THINK ABOUT. WHAT IF I MAKE THE WRONG DECISION AND PUT MYSELF AND OUR FUTURE BABY IN DANGER?!?! WHAT IF WE HOLD OFF ONCE AGAIN AND WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, I AM FINE BUT COMPLETELY INFERTILE (REMEMBER I AM RUNNING ON ALMOST EMPTY IN THE EGG DEPARTMENT) - SO MANY DECISIONS SO LITTLE TIME. I REMEMBER WHEN BEING 32 DIDN'T SEEM SO OLD, ONE FREAKING MIS EXAM AND THAT WAS ALL SHOT TO HELL AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I AM 90.

I AM SO TIRED OF ALL THE "IT WILL ALL BE OKs" AND THE "I AM PRAYING FOR YOUs" AND THE "HANG IN THEREs"... THEY ARE NICE, AND REAL SWEET AND DON'T DO A FUCKING THING TO MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER, NO MATTER HOW MUCH THE PEOPLE SAYING IT LOVE ME. IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL LIKE ANYTHING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT. I AM SICK ABOUT ALL OF THIS. TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND SEEM LIKE I AM FINE IS FUCKING BULLSHIT AND DRIVING ME CRAZIER.

BUT HERE I GO, INHALE DEEP, HOLD BREATHE, HOPE FOR THE BEST, AND FACE THE WORLD WITH A PLASTERED ON SMILE... AT LEAST UNTIL NEXT WEEK. SO TELL ME YOU ARE PRAYING FOR ME AND THAT I SHOULD HANG IN THERE BECAUSE THINGS WILL BE OK, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I DON'T THINK IT HELPS, MAYBE IF YOU ALL DO, IT WILL. I DON'T LIKE TO ASK FOR HELP... BUT I NEED IT.