So here we are in a state of suspended animation, once again. As is stands I am still an emotional freaking wreck. I was not prepared for all these feelings and I do not think I am handling it very well. I go back and forth between crying and railing at the universe for being unfair and thinking that when it is meant to be it will happen. My wife believes in fate... so do I ... to an extent. I believe that their is a plan for all of us but that like a choose your own adventure book, there are many variations to that plan, and our choices are what ultimately determine which adventure we take on and what ending we come to. I read alot of other blogs and I do not envy those women who have been on the ttc road for what seems like forever. I do admire their strength and determination. However, I do not think my path leads me to such a long journey. We have two beautiful boys and while we want nothing more than to have a child together, we cannot dedicate as long a time to ttc as we would like. That is not our journey. I want to write out a list of all the reasons why we are gonna wait a few more months to try again, why we won't do IVF and why we won't go past my 35th birthday trying but somehow I feel like doing that would take away from everyone else's journey. I feel like placing limits on our ttc so early on diminishes our desire to have a baby in the eyes of others, like we don't make the cut to be part of the group. I have always gone against the grain and been sort of a loner but somehow I thought I would find comfort in blogland instead I feel unworthy and alone. There are so many different situations out there that I read about and yet I find none like ours. Our reasons may not be yours, our decisions may not sound reasonable to you, but they are ours and we own them. To us they are important and a vital part of our adventure. So I will go back to charting and using my OPKs and then we will try again in January/February if all goes well but for now it is time to gather our thoughts and regroup. We have chosen our own adventure just as you have chosen yours but hopefully the end of the story will be the same for all of us even though we have taken different paths.. happy healthy babies.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
SO THIS MONTH'S TRY IS OFFICIALLY OVER. I WON'T EVEN TELL YOU HOW MANY HPTs WE TOOK BECAUSE IT IS JUST INSANE... BUT THEY WERE ALL NEGATIVE, NO FAINT LINES NO GLIMMER OF HOPE... NADA. IF YOU WOULD HAVE HAD ME BET MONEY I WOULD HAVE BET THAT I WAS PREGNANT EVEN THOUGH THE TESTS SAID NO. MY BODY FELT LIKE IT WAS PREGNANT BUT MAYBE IT WAS JUST A FUCKED UP MIX OF HOPE AND THE CLOMID. ANYWAY... I HAD A FEW SPOTS THURSDAY AND FRIDAY WHICH I WAS CHALKING UP TO IMPLANTATION BLEEDING BECAUSE I DO NOT SPOT BEFORE MY PERIOD. THIS MORNING AFTER THE UMPTEENTH HPT I HAD A FEW MORE SPOTS AND THEN ABOUT AN HOUR LATER I PASSED WHAT LOOKED LIKE A SMALL CLOT AND STARTED CRAMPING. I DO BELIEVE THE FAT LADY HAS SUNG AND IT IS OVER. I WAS FEELING KIND OF NUMB, JUST SITTING HERE BY MYSELF... DAWN IS ASLEEP AND SO ARE THE KIDS. BUT NOW AS I TYPE THIS THE TEARS ARE FALLING FREELY AND I CAN SAY THAT I AM TRULY HEARTBROKEN. I KNOW IT SOUNDS SO STUPID CONSIDERING IT WAS ONLY OUR FIRST OFFICIAL TRY AND WELL HELL, EVEN WITH THE CLOMID I ONLY HAVE A 15% CHANCE ANYWAY, BUT I DON'T CARE, MY FUCKING HEART IS BREAKING AND I FEEL LIKE I JUST CAN'T EVEN BREATHE LET ALONE BE RATIONAL ABOUT ALL THIS. I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I CAN LOOK DAWN IN THE FACE. I FEEL LIKE I LET HER DOWN. I KNOW SHE IS GONNA READ THIS AND BE PISSED AT ME FOR SAYING THAT BUT IT IS HOW I FEEL. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE GONNA DO NOW OR WHEN WE ARE GONNA TRY AGAIN BUT I KNOW THAT AT THIS VERY MOMENT I CAN ONLY THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH I AM HURTING RIGHT NOW.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
OK SO I WASN'T GONNA POST BUT I THINK IF I DON'T GET SOME OF THIS INSANITY OUT I MAY BURST. SO WE DID OUR 1ST AND TURNS OUT ONLY AT HOME ICI ON FRIDAY. WE OPTED OUT OF SATURDAY. SO NOW WE ARE WAITING.... IMPATIENTLY. DAWN SEEMS TO BE MORE IMPATIENT TO KNOW THEN I AM BUT THEN AGAIN SHE IS THE KIND OF PERSON THAT OPENED HER CHRISTMAS GIFTS EARLY AND THEN RETAPED THEM SO NOBODY KNEW. I WISH I COULD TELL HER ONE WAY OR THE OTHER BUT I AM AS IN THE DARK AS SHE IS. I JUST HOPE THAT WHAT EVER HAPPENS FROM HERE ON IN WE ALL KEEP IT TOGETHER. I THINK FOR ME THIS SEEMS SURREAL. I AM NOT SURE WHY. MAYBE I AM AFRAID TO GET MY HOPES UP MAYBE I AM JUST AFRAID... BUT I FEEL A LITTLE NUMB. LIKE IT IS HAPPENING TO SOMEBODY ELSE. I GUESS WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING FOR SOOOO LONG, WHEN YOU FINALLY HAVE IT RIGHT WITHIN YOUR GRASP YOU HESITATE TO TAKE IT FOR FEAR THAT SOMEONE WILL SNATCH IT AWAY. THAT IS AS CLOSE AS AS EXPLANATION AS I CAN GET. I THINK WE ARE TESTING ON THE 15TH... I KNOW, NOT QUITE THE FULL 2 WEEKS BUT LIKE I SAID PATIENCE IS NOT ONE OF MY DARLING WIFE'S VIRTUES. LOL. IN THE MEANTIME FINGERS CROSSED AND LOTS AND LOTS OF SUPER STICKY BABYDUST OUR WAY.