Wednesday, September 23, 2009

alone in a crowd

So here we are in a state of suspended animation, once again. As is stands I am still an emotional freaking wreck. I was not prepared for all these feelings and I do not think I am handling it very well. I go back and forth between crying and railing at the universe for being unfair and thinking that when it is meant to be it will happen. My wife believes in fate... so do I ... to an extent. I believe that their is a plan for all of us but that like a choose your own adventure book, there are many variations to that plan, and our choices are what ultimately determine which adventure we take on and what ending we come to. I read alot of other blogs and I do not envy those women who have been on the ttc road for what seems like forever. I do admire their strength and determination. However, I do not think my path leads me to such a long journey. We have two beautiful boys and while we want nothing more than to have a child together, we cannot dedicate as long a time to ttc as we would like. That is not our journey. I want to write out a list of all the reasons why we are gonna wait a few more months to try again, why we won't do IVF and why we won't go past my 35th birthday trying but somehow I feel like doing that would take away from everyone else's journey. I feel like placing limits on our ttc so early on diminishes our desire to have a baby in the eyes of others, like we don't make the cut to be part of the group. I have always gone against the grain and been sort of a loner but somehow I thought I would find comfort in blogland instead I feel unworthy and alone. There are so many different situations out there that I read about and yet I find none like ours. Our reasons may not be yours, our decisions may not sound reasonable to you, but they are ours and we own them. To us they are important and a vital part of our adventure. So I will go back to charting and using my OPKs and then we will try again in January/February if all goes well but for now it is time to gather our thoughts and regroup. We have chosen our own adventure just as you have chosen yours but hopefully the end of the story will be the same for all of us even though we have taken different paths.. happy healthy babies.

No comments: