Saturday, September 19, 2009

the end of the first try






SO THIS MONTH'S TRY IS OFFICIALLY OVER. I WON'T EVEN TELL YOU HOW MANY HPTs WE TOOK BECAUSE IT IS JUST INSANE... BUT THEY WERE ALL NEGATIVE, NO FAINT LINES NO GLIMMER OF HOPE... NADA. IF YOU WOULD HAVE HAD ME BET MONEY I WOULD HAVE BET THAT I WAS PREGNANT EVEN THOUGH THE TESTS SAID NO. MY BODY FELT LIKE IT WAS PREGNANT BUT MAYBE IT WAS JUST A FUCKED UP MIX OF HOPE AND THE CLOMID. ANYWAY... I HAD A FEW SPOTS THURSDAY AND FRIDAY WHICH I WAS CHALKING UP TO IMPLANTATION BLEEDING BECAUSE I DO NOT SPOT BEFORE MY PERIOD. THIS MORNING AFTER THE UMPTEENTH HPT I HAD A FEW MORE SPOTS AND THEN ABOUT AN HOUR LATER I PASSED WHAT LOOKED LIKE A SMALL CLOT AND STARTED CRAMPING. I DO BELIEVE THE FAT LADY HAS SUNG AND IT IS OVER. I WAS FEELING KIND OF NUMB, JUST SITTING HERE BY MYSELF... DAWN IS ASLEEP AND SO ARE THE KIDS. BUT NOW AS I TYPE THIS THE TEARS ARE FALLING FREELY AND I CAN SAY THAT I AM TRULY HEARTBROKEN. I KNOW IT SOUNDS SO STUPID CONSIDERING IT WAS ONLY OUR FIRST OFFICIAL TRY AND WELL HELL, EVEN WITH THE CLOMID I ONLY HAVE A 15% CHANCE ANYWAY, BUT I DON'T CARE, MY FUCKING HEART IS BREAKING AND I FEEL LIKE I JUST CAN'T EVEN BREATHE LET ALONE BE RATIONAL ABOUT ALL THIS. I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I CAN LOOK DAWN IN THE FACE. I FEEL LIKE I LET HER DOWN. I KNOW SHE IS GONNA READ THIS AND BE PISSED AT ME FOR SAYING THAT BUT IT IS HOW I FEEL. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE GONNA DO NOW OR WHEN WE ARE GONNA TRY AGAIN BUT I KNOW THAT AT THIS VERY MOMENT I CAN ONLY THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH I AM HURTING RIGHT NOW.

2 comments:

Kim said...

I'm so sorry Michelle. I've had those "got to be pregnant" feeling so many times I've lost count. They suck. It hurts so bad.

Again Im so sorry. You're in my thoughts.

hotomiky said...

I'm sorry..