Monday, October 26, 2009

to be or not to be... depressed

So I am DEPRESSED. I mean who isn't depressed at one point in their lives or another? Well, it seems that I am depressed at all points of my life lately. I wish I could say it is all because of this crazy last few years of ups and downs in ttc but it isn't. The truth is I have been this way since I was a little girl. The truth is I spend most of my time trying to appear happy when inside I feel the complete opposite. It is extremely tiring to spend all your time pretending. Actually, it is fucking exhausting!! I used to be really good at it, now it appears my slip is showing.

Mental illness runs far and deep in my family and I guess I have known that there is something wrong for what seems like forever, and a few years ago I was officially diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder for you sane people) but if you ask me it is the wrong diagnosis. I went to the psychiatrist once and within the first 20 minutes she suggested meds. Now, I am all for everyone doing what works for them, but I personally do not want to be on medication especially after only talking to this woman for 20 minutes. It was right after my son really started having a hard time with his Tourettes, I found myself always crying when he wasn't looking because I could not make it better for him and I did not want him to see me upset about it... to me that sounds like normal mother/child response but then I am not a pill pushing doctor.

That being said... I think I need to talk to someone and my ENTIRE family agrees. I just don't know how all this is going to affect our ttc plans. I think I am most afraid of someone telling me that the things/people that I want/need most in my life are my biggest problems. What to do what to do? I don't really want to do anything. It seems that I am really good at helping people with their problems and feelings... but what about mine? I can't talk about or deal with my own.

WHY NOW?... So, I had a bit of a breakdown the other day and now everyone is looking at me with the side eye like I am gonna find the highest building and take a walk off it... but that isn't the case and frankly I find it annoying that everybody worries when I "don't act like myself" but never during their everyday lives do they consider that like everyone else I am not ok and maybe they should stop talking about their problems for long enough to ask me and genuinely give a fuck about mine. Now everybody is all concerned and upset but maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't have gotten to this point if they had taken a minute to ask before. Then again probably not, they all point fingers at each other for me feeling this way. They all tell me not to worry so much about the others and not to let them weigh me down with all their crap etc... but every single one of those people is a taker. They are the ones who take from me all the time leaving me with nothing in return except worry... lots and lots of worry. Quite frankly I am kinda over it and at this moment the thing that worries me the most is not that underneath the facade of happiness I am depressed but that underneath the depression secretly I don't give a fuck anymore. So what is worse?

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