BACK TO START

SO IT DIDN'T WORK. I KIND OF FELT LIKE IT DIDN'T OR RATHER I TRIED TO NOT GET MY HOPES UP AND YET WHEN THE NURSE CALLED TO TELL ME SHE WAS SORRY...IT BROKE MY FUCKING HEART. I HAD BEEN REALLY SICK WITH BRONCHITIS FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND I FELT LIKE SHIT THE DAY OF THE TRANSFER BUT WE WERE SO CLOSE THAT WE DECIDED TO JUST GO WITH IT. THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND PUT OUR EMBIE ON THE SCREEN AND TOLD ME IT WAS AVERAGE BUT NOT TO WORRY...MOST OF US COME FROM AVERAGE EMBRYOS. I WANTED TO BELIEVE HIM BUT I AM NOT ONE WHO BELIEVES IN THE LONG SHOT. HE ALSO MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT CHANGING DONORS...LATER ON THAT...I FELT LIKE IT WORKED FOR A FEW DAYS. I SAID PRAYER AFTER PRAYER AND SPOKE OUT LOUD TO THE EMBRYO IN MY BODY. HOPING THAT GIVING LIFE TO MY THOUGHTS WOULD SOMEHOW MAKE IT MORE REAL. IT DIDN'T WORK. SO HERE WE ARE AGAIN BACK AT START. NOT A SINGLE EGG OR EMBRYO TO SHOW. WE ARE SWITCHING DONORS (WHICH BY THE WAY WAS NOT FUN LAST MINUTE) AND WE ARE TAKING A CYCLE TO BREATHE...THE DOCTOR IS STILL MONITORING ME AND NOW HAS ME ON BIRTH CONTROL (HOLD LAUGHTER FOR THE SEVERAL REASONS OF IRONY) BUT WE WONT BE DOING RETRIEVAL FOR SEVERAL MORE WEEKS. WE ARE MOST LIKELY GOING TO DO BACK TO BACK RETRIEVALS AND THEN WORRY ABOUT TRANSFER LATER. I FEEL LIKE I AM TORN BETWEEN WHEN AND WHAT TO DO. I GIVE ALL THE CREDIT IN THE WORLD TO WOMEN WHO HANG IN THERE FOR YEARS...I CAN'T DO IT. THIS IS SO MUCH MORE EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY TAXING THEN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. WHAT IS WORSE IS HOW HARD I HAVE TO TRY AND HIDE HOW I AM FEELING BECAUSE WE STILL HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING TO THE KIDS AND WELL LIFE HAS TO GO ON AS USUAL. THAT IS ONE THING I DO NOT REGRET. I DEFINITELY DO NOT REGRET DECIDING TO KEEP THE KIDS IN THE DARK FOR NOW. WATCHING THEM STRUGGLE WITH EVER DAY TEENAGE BULLSHIT AND DRAMA I KNOW ADDING OUR OWN TO THE MIX FOR NO DEFINITE REASON WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN THE WRONG CHOICE FOR US. TWO OF US ARE ON THIS ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS AND THAT IS ENOUGH. I AM HOPING THE NEW YEAR WILL BRING US SOME NEW LUCK AND NEW HOPE.