HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

OFF AND RUNNING ON THIS J*ENN*Y C*RAI*G THING. I STARTED A WEEK AGON AND HAVE LOST 10LBS SO FAR. THE FOOD IS GOOD. I FEEL BETTER AND I HOPE IT KEEP S UP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. THE BLOOD PRESSURE MEDS I AM TAKING NOW ARE HELPING WITH THE HEADACHES SO THATS GOOD TOO. I DO NOT HAVE MUCH TO SAY BUT I AM STILL READING ALL YOUR BLOGS AND ACCOMPANYING YOU ON YOUR JOURNIES WHEREVER THEY MAY TAKE YOU. MINE IS TAKING AN UNUSUALLY LONG SCENIC ROUTE. PERHAPS ONE DAY I WILL REACH MY DESTINATION.

Diagnosis = too fat to get pregnant

OK, SO NEW DOCTOR, OLD PROBLEM. I AM FAT. REALLY? NO SHIT! I AM MORBIDLY OBESE...YUP, KNEW THAT TOO. I DO NOT NEED A FERTILITY SPECIALIST, PROCEDURES OR MEDS...JUST TO LOSE A LOT OF WEIGHT, AT LEAST ENOUGH TO GET ME FROM OBESE TO OVERWEIGHT...THAT I DID NOT SEE COMING!! I LOVE MY NEW DOCTOR. L-O-V-E HER!! YOU WOULD THINK THAT AFTER BEING TOLD THAT I AM IN NEED OF A SERIOUS FAT ASS OVERHAUL I WOULD BE PISSED. I AM NOT. I ACTUALLY JOINED J*ENNY CR$AIG THE DAY BEFORE MY APPOINTMENT AND WAS ALL READY TO TRY AND LOSE AT LEAST 50 LBS BY AUGUST SO WE CAN GET ME PREGNANT, NOT BECAUSE ANYBODY TOLD ME TO BUT BECAUSE I COULD JUST NOT IMAGINE PUTTING ANYMORE WEIGHT ON MY BODY AND HAVING A HEALTHY PREGNANCY. WELL, 50 IS NOT ENOUGH, SHE SAID I NEED TO LOSE DOUBLE THAT AND TAKE ABOUT A YEAR TO DO IT SO I KEEP IT OFF. I SAID "BUT DOC, I AM OLD AND RUNNING OUT OF EGGS ACCORDING TO MY EX-RE, I DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO TAKE A WHOLE YEAR!!" SHE SAID. "YOU ARE ONLY 33 AND LETS FACE IT, YOU AREN'T GETTING PREGNANT RIGHT NOW ANYWAY, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR EGG RESERVE AND YOU COULD TAKE A YEAR, LOSE THE WEIGHT AND GET KNOCKED UP RIGHT AWAY" SHE ALSO SAID "IF I KNEW THAT YOU COULD LEAVE MY OFFICE AND GET PREGNANT TODAY, I WOULD TELL YOU NOT TO! YOU HAVE A HIGHER RISK OF HAVING A BABY WITH BIRTH DEFECTS, A C-SECTION, HIGH RISK PREGNANCY, DIABETES, STROKE ETC... THAN NOT BEING ABLE TO GET PREGNANT BC OF WAITING A YEAR." SHE IS FUCKING AWESOME!! I SO HOPE THAT I CAN DO THIS AND THAT SHE IS STILL THERE WHEN I GO BACK NEXT YEAR B/C I CAN'T THINK OF ANYONE I WOULD TRUST MORE THAN HER. SO FOR ONCE IN MY 33+ YEAR STRUGGLE WITH WEIGHT...I AM HAPPY SOMEONE TOLD ME TO GET OFF MY FAT ASS AND GET HEALTHY RATHER THAN SUGAR COATING IT WITH HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM AND HOW YOU COULD NEVER TELL HOW BIG I WAS AND SO ON AND SO FORTH. SO FOR THE NEXT YEAR OR TILL I GET THE HELL OUT OF OBESITY CENTRAL I AM GONNA DEVOTE TIME AND EFFORT TO MYSELF FOR A CHANGE. I AM GONNA GET HEALTHY AND PREPARE MYSELF FOR BEING PREGNANT AGAIN. WHILE WE ARE AT IT, WE ARE GONNA FIND A HOUSE WE LOVE AND HELP OUR KIDS GET THROUGH THE EVILS OF FRESHMAN YEAR. TODAY IS MY NEW YEAR. TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE BEST OF MY LIFE.

2009 ...

AND NOW I AM MOVING FORWARD AND LOOKING FORWARD TO A GREAT 2010. THERE WERE SOME REALLY GOOD MOMENTS BUT IT SEEMED LIKE THEY WERE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN. NOW I AM HOPING THAT THINGS MOVE MORE SMOOTHLY THIS NEW YEAR. THERE IS A LOT ALREADY IN PLACE TO HAPPENING SO IF IT ALL GOES AS PLANNED (I BELIEVE IT WILL I BELIEVE IT WILL ETC...) THEN IT WILL BE AN EXCITING YEAR. I SHOULD BE TYING UP SOME FINANCIAL LOOSE ENDS AND CLEANING UP OUR DEBT, WE ARE LOOKING FOR A HOUSE, WE WILL TRY AGAIN (AND AGAIN AND AGAIN IF NEEDED TO GET ME PREGNANT) I AM GONNA BE OPTIMISTIC AND SAY IT WILL WORK THE VERY NEXT TIME, WE ARE GONNA TAKE A BIG TROPICAL FAMILY VACATION AND MAYBE A FEW ROMANTIC COUPLE ONES, OUR BABIES ARE GONNA BE GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL IN SEPTEMBER...SO MUCH IN PLACE TO HAPPEN. ALL GOOD.

SO 2010, LISTEN UP, YOU ARE GONNA BE A BUSY BUT PRODUCTIVE YEAR, YOU ARE GONNA COOPERATE AND NOT GIVE ME ANY SHIT, YOU ARE GONNA PUT 2009 TO SHAME AND GIVE 2011 A RUN FOR ITS MONEY ON BEST YEAR EVER!! YOU HEAR ME, 2010, TOGETHER WE CAN DO THIS!!! THANK YOU.

SHUFFLING THE CARDS IN THE HAND WE'RE DEALT

SO LOTS AND LOTS OF STUFF GOING ON, SOME IN MY CONTROL, MOST NOT. MY SISTER BOUGHT A HOUSE IN AND MOVED TO NEW JERSEY YESTERDAY WITH HER FAMILY. I AM HEART BROKEN. MY NEPHEW IS NOW AN HOUR AND A HALF AWAY AND MY SISTER WHO'S HEALTH IS TOUCH AND GO ALL THE TIME IS TOO FAR FROM US ALL IN CASE OF EMERGENCY. I CAN NOT EXPLAIN HOW SAD I AM. I HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT FOR THEM BUT I WISH THEY WOULD HAVE STAYED. I HAVE A BAD FEELING. MY MOTHER HAS TAKEN MY SISTER'S MOVE AS HER CUE TO LEAVE MY DAD AND MOVE TO THEIR HOUSE IN FLORIDA. LEAVING HIM BEHIND HERE. THIS WAS A LONG TIME COMING AND IS NOT A SURPRISE BUT I CAN NOT DESCRIBE HOW SAD THAT MAKES ME AS WELL. DON'T KNOW HOW LONG MY DAD CAN HANG ON TO THE APARTMENT WITHOUT HER HELP. SO WE CONTINUE TO LOOK FOR A HOUSE AND HOPE TO FIND ONE WITH A NICE BASEMENT APARTMENT FOR MY DAD.

ON THE BABY FRONT. I HAVE DECIDED AND DAWN AGREES THAT WE ARE GONNA WAIT A BUT LONGER FOR TRY #2. MY WEIGHT IS OUT OF CONTROL RIGHT NOW AND HONESTLY, EVEN IF I DID GET PREGNANT THE CHANCE OF HAVING A HAPPY OR HEALTHY PREGNANCY AT THIS WEIGHT IS SLIM TO NONE. SO COME JANUARY INSTEAD OF TRYING TO GET PREGNANT I AM GONNA START TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT. I AM CONFIDENT THAT THIS TIME I CAN DO IT AND KEEP IT OFF. SO WE ARE GONNA GO BACK TO OUR ORIGINAL INTENDED MONTH OF CONCEPTION AND TRY AGAIN IN JULY AFTER VACATION. HOPEFULLY BY THEN THE WEIGHT WILL BE OFF AND WE WILL EITHER BE IN OR GETTING READY TO BE IN OUR OWN HOUSE AND THE BOYS WILL BE GETTING READY TO START HIGH SCHOOL. SO I THINK THIS PLAN PUTS ALL OUR DUCKS IN A NICE ROW. LETS SEE IF IT STAYS THAT WAY.

we are swearing off swine...flu

YOU GUESSED IT...SWINE FLU INVADED OUR HOME FOR THANKSGIVING. IT HIT BOTH OUR BOYS AND AT LEAST HAS BEEN KIND ENOUGH TO PICK UP THE PACE AND MOVE QUICKLY OUT OF OUR HOME. THE BOYS WERE FEELING CRAPPY WEDNESDAY NIGHT BUT LOOKED AND SOUNDED LIKE A COLD. THURSDAY MORNING WOKE UP LOW GRADE FEVERS FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND COUGHS. AFTER DISCUSSING THE SITUATION WITH OUR RESPECTIVE FAMILIES WE WERE CONVINCED BY THEM TO CONTINUE WITH OUR PLANS, COOK OUR FOOD, PACK UP KIDS AND COME ON OVER. AFTER A NIGHT FULL OF FEVERS AND QUICKLY WORSENING FEVERS VERY NEXT DAY BOTH BOYS WENT TO THEIR DOCTOR. DAVID WAS POSITIVE FOR SWINE FLU AND GIVEN TAMIFLU BUT RYAN WAS NEGATIVE AND GIVEN NOTHING. THE DOCTOR SAID HE HAD JUST A COLD BUT NO WORRY THEY DON'T NEED TO BE SEPARATED AS LONG AS THEY ARE NOT COUGHING IN EACH OTHER S FACES. I WAS LEARY OF HIS ADVICE AND READY FOR DAWN TO PACK UP RYAN AND HEAD TO HER MOMS BASEMENT APARTMENT FOR THE DURATION. SHE AGREED WITH DOCTOR AND SHE AND RYAN STAYED HOME. I WAS UP EVERY FEW HOURS TAKING TEMPS AND MEDICATING THE BOYS. RYAN WAS WORSE THAN DAVID DURING THE NIGHT SO I TOLD DAWN SHE SHOULD TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL WHICH SHE DID. HE TESTED POSITIVE FOR STREP AND THE DOCTOR SWORE TO HER THAT SINCE HE TESTED NEGATIVE FOR SWINE THE RESULT WOULD NOT BE DIFFERENT...HE WAS WRONG. RYAN TESTED POSITIVE FOR SWINE AS WELL. DAWN WAS GIVEN A PRESCRIPTION FOR TAMIFLU ONLY BECAUSE SHE KIND OF PRESSURED HIM AND HE TOLD HER AT THIS POINT IT WOULDN'T REALLY HELP SINCE IT HAD BEEN MORE THAN 48HRS SINCE SYMPTOMS BEGAN. WE WERE TOLD TO KEEP THEM HOME FOR ONE WHOLE DAY AFTER THEY HAD BEEN FEVER FREE FOR 24HRS. THE BOYS HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN WITHOUT FEVER SINCE SATURDAY (DAVID) AND SUNDAY (RYAN) BUT THEY ARE STILL HOME WITH COUGHS AND GENERAL BLAHS. THEY ARE GOING BACK TOMORROW. I WILL WHISPER QUIETLY TO YOU ALL SO AS NOT TO JINX US BUT IT LOOKS LIKE DAWN AND I MAY HAVE COME OUT OF THIS UNSCATHED.

SO PIGGIE PIGGIE FLY AWAY WE DON'T WANT YOU TO COME OUR WAY.

HOLY SHIT... THINGS ARE GOING WELL

BELIEVE IT OR NOT...I AM REALLY HAPPY LATELY. I KNOW...SHOCKER!! THINGS ARE GOING WELL. A HUGE WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED OFF MY SHOULDERS AND WE ARE LOOKING AHEAD TO A BRIGHT AND SOMEWHAT EASIER FUTURE. WE ARE JUST STARTING TO LOOK FOR A HOUSE WHILE PAYING OFF ANY AND ALL DEBT WE HAVE... STARTING FROM A CLEAN SLATE SOUNDS SO GOOD TO ME. OUR BOYS ARE TAKING THEIR CAP AND GOWN PICS TODAY. I CAN NOT BELIEVE THEY ARE GONNA BE GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL NEXT YEAR AND OUR WONDERFULLY SWEET AND SELFLESS KD HAS AGREED TO DONATE HIS SERVICES IN JANUARY AND FROM WHAT HE SAYS WHENEVER WE NEED UNTIL WE HAVE OUR HAPPY ENDING. I LOVE THIS GUY HE IS A SWEETIE. ALSO, A FEW WEEKS AFTER OUR UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT I SAW A RATHER LARGE ARTICLE IN THE PAPER ABOUT REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGISTS AND THEIR FREQUENT TENDENCY TO LABEL A WOMAN AS HAVING NON SPECIFIED PREMATURE OVARIAN FAILURE WITH NO REALLY GOOD REASON. THE ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN BY A FORMER RE AND HIS PARTNER (ALSO AN RE) WHO LEFT THE BUSINESS BECAUSE OF THIS SUDDEN TREND TO PUSH WOMEN INTO IVF. PUTTING WOMEN (OVER THE AGE OF 30) UNDER A SERIES OF INTENSE MEDICAL AND PHARMACEUTICAL TRIALS TO ONLY HAVE THEM STEERED INTO IVF. NOW, MY RE, DR. P, WAS WONDERFUL, BUT IN RETROSPECT, SHE WAS PUSHY ABOUT THE IVF EVEN THOUGH WE TOLD HER WE WERE NOT INTERESTED, SHE SAID EVERYTHING CAME BACK FINE EXCEPT FOR MY OVARIAN RESERVE WHICH WAS LOW...WELL SAID ARTICLE ADDRESSES THE FACT THAT THAT RESERVE DROPS AT 25 FOR ALL WOMEN AND THAT IT DOES NOT MEAN INFERTILITY. SO JUST FOR KICKS, OK, NOT FOR KICKS BUT FOR MY OWN SANITY, I TOOL THE FI*RST RE*SPO*NSE FERTILITY TEST...2 MONTHS IN A ROW...AND LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD IT INDICATED THAT MY RESERVE IS IN THE FERTILE RANGE. ALSO, MY DARLING RE NEVER TOLD ME THAT CLOMID CAN CAUSE NON-STICKING OF PERFECTLY GOOD FERTILIZED EGGS. WELL...NO MORE RE FOR ME. WE ARE GONNA GO NO MEDS NO HELP...JUST ME, MY WIFE AND AN EXTREMELY APPRECIATED DONATION. IT IS WHAT IT IS AND WHAT IT IS IS UP TO US.

THIS ISH IS GETTING F'ING OLD

BECAUSE APPARENTLY THINGS WERE JUST GOING TOO SMOOTHLY (INSERT EYEROLL HERE) I WAS ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL THE OTHER DAY FOR CHEST PAIN. I HAVE NOT BEEN ADMITTED TO A HOSPITAL SINCE DAVID WAS BORN ALMOST 14 YEARS AGO. IT WAS NOT FUN TO SAY THE LEAST. AFTER HOURS IN THE HOSPITAL ER THEY WERE GONNA LET ME GO BUT DECIDED TO DO ANOTHER EKG JUST IN CASE... AND OF COURSE THAT ONE CAME BACK DIFFERENT THEN THE FIRST...SO THEY KEPT MY ASS WITH THE INTENTION OF DOING AN ECHO AND A STRESS TEST... AFTER A NIGHT OF BLOOD WORK AND EKGS AND VITALS THEY OPTED OUT OF THE ECHO AND STRESS TESTS AND DECIDED TO SEND ME HOME ANYWAY. OF COURSE I ONLY FEEL MARGINALLY BETTER BUT WHAT DO THEY CARE? SO I HOME I WENT AND SPENT THE NEXT TWO DAYS IN BED. I AM BACK AT WORK TODAY AND HAVE A FOLLOW UP WITH MY PRIMARY WHO I CALL DR. DONOTHING. IT SEEMS LIKE SOME DAMN CONSPIRACY OF THE UNIVERSE TO KEEP ME FROM TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. WELL DEAR UNIVERSE, TOO FUCKING BAD, PLANS ARE MOVING FORWARD AND YOU WILL NOT STAND IN MY WAY !!