TAKE TWO

SO ITS BACK TO THE DOCTOR WE GO. I CALLED TO MAKE MY DAY 10 APPOINTMENT FOR WHAT IS TO BE OUR 2ND AND HOPEFULLY LAST NEEDED FET CYCLE. WE GO IN THIS SUNDAY THE 8TH FOR PAPERWORK AND MONITORING. SO IF ALL GOES WELL...SOMETIME MIDDLE TO END OF THIS MONTH OUR LITTLE MIRACLE COULD BE GROWING SAFE AND SOUND IN MY BELLY. FINGERS AND TOES CROSSED. 


...I READ THAT BACK AND IT SOUNDED SO CALM AND COLLECTED. I ACTUALLY DO NOT FEEL EITHER. I AM PRETTY MUCH A FRIGGIN WRECK. I AM SUPER EXCITED AND SUPER SCARED. I ALMOST WANTED TO PUT IT OFF BECAUSE I AM SO SCARED OF IT NOT WORKING EVEN THOUGH NOT TRYING CLEARLY ISN'T GOING TO BE WORKING EITHER. THERE IS JUST A MYRIAD OF EMOTIONS I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW. THIS BY THE WAY DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR MY ANXIETY ISSUES. I AM TRYING MY BEST TO STAY CALM AND RELAXED. I KNOW THAT STARTING THIS WAY CAN NOT POSSIBLY MAKE ANYTHING EASIER IN THE LONG RUN. MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE IS TRYING HER BEST TO BE SOOTHING AND CALM ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US AND WHILE I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR IT...IT ALSO MAKES ME A LITTLE MAD THAT IT SEEMS SO EASY FOR HER TO JUST LET IT GO AND LET IT BE WHATEVER IT WILL BE. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I AM NOT MAD AT HER...JUST MAD THAT I CAN'T BE LIKE HER. I ENVY THE ABILITY TO JUST ACCEPT THAT SOME THINGS ARE OUT OF MY HANDS AND WORRYING ABOUT THEM WON'T CHANGE THE OUTCOME. HORRIBLE. I KNOW. BUT...I AM ALSO HAPPY FOR HER THAT SHE ISN'T BURDENED WITH THE ENORMOUS WEIGHT THAT ANXIETY PUTS ON A PERSON'S SHOULDERS. I LITERALLY FEEL LIKE I AM BEING CRUSHED UNDERNEATH IT ON THE BAD DAYS. THOUGH, THANKFULLY, I HAVEN'T HAD DAYS THAT BAD RECENTLY (OR FREQUENTLY). THAT BEING SAID, I GUESS I AM DOING BETTER THAN I THOUGHT BUT NOT AS WELL AS I HAD HOPED. 


SO IN THE MEANTIME I WILL LEAVE YOU AND MYSELF WITH THIS....