SHUFFLING THE CARDS IN THE HAND WE'RE DEALT

SO LOTS AND LOTS OF STUFF GOING ON, SOME IN MY CONTROL, MOST NOT. MY SISTER BOUGHT A HOUSE IN AND MOVED TO NEW JERSEY YESTERDAY WITH HER FAMILY. I AM HEART BROKEN. MY NEPHEW IS NOW AN HOUR AND A HALF AWAY AND MY SISTER WHO'S HEALTH IS TOUCH AND GO ALL THE TIME IS TOO FAR FROM US ALL IN CASE OF EMERGENCY. I CAN NOT EXPLAIN HOW SAD I AM. I HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT FOR THEM BUT I WISH THEY WOULD HAVE STAYED. I HAVE A BAD FEELING. MY MOTHER HAS TAKEN MY SISTER'S MOVE AS HER CUE TO LEAVE MY DAD AND MOVE TO THEIR HOUSE IN FLORIDA. LEAVING HIM BEHIND HERE. THIS WAS A LONG TIME COMING AND IS NOT A SURPRISE BUT I CAN NOT DESCRIBE HOW SAD THAT MAKES ME AS WELL. DON'T KNOW HOW LONG MY DAD CAN HANG ON TO THE APARTMENT WITHOUT HER HELP. SO WE CONTINUE TO LOOK FOR A HOUSE AND HOPE TO FIND ONE WITH A NICE BASEMENT APARTMENT FOR MY DAD.

ON THE BABY FRONT. I HAVE DECIDED AND DAWN AGREES THAT WE ARE GONNA WAIT A BUT LONGER FOR TRY #2. MY WEIGHT IS OUT OF CONTROL RIGHT NOW AND HONESTLY, EVEN IF I DID GET PREGNANT THE CHANCE OF HAVING A HAPPY OR HEALTHY PREGNANCY AT THIS WEIGHT IS SLIM TO NONE. SO COME JANUARY INSTEAD OF TRYING TO GET PREGNANT I AM GONNA START TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT. I AM CONFIDENT THAT THIS TIME I CAN DO IT AND KEEP IT OFF. SO WE ARE GONNA GO BACK TO OUR ORIGINAL INTENDED MONTH OF CONCEPTION AND TRY AGAIN IN JULY AFTER VACATION. HOPEFULLY BY THEN THE WEIGHT WILL BE OFF AND WE WILL EITHER BE IN OR GETTING READY TO BE IN OUR OWN HOUSE AND THE BOYS WILL BE GETTING READY TO START HIGH SCHOOL. SO I THINK THIS PLAN PUTS ALL OUR DUCKS IN A NICE ROW. LETS SEE IF IT STAYS THAT WAY.

we are swearing off swine...flu

YOU GUESSED IT...SWINE FLU INVADED OUR HOME FOR THANKSGIVING. IT HIT BOTH OUR BOYS AND AT LEAST HAS BEEN KIND ENOUGH TO PICK UP THE PACE AND MOVE QUICKLY OUT OF OUR HOME. THE BOYS WERE FEELING CRAPPY WEDNESDAY NIGHT BUT LOOKED AND SOUNDED LIKE A COLD. THURSDAY MORNING WOKE UP LOW GRADE FEVERS FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND COUGHS. AFTER DISCUSSING THE SITUATION WITH OUR RESPECTIVE FAMILIES WE WERE CONVINCED BY THEM TO CONTINUE WITH OUR PLANS, COOK OUR FOOD, PACK UP KIDS AND COME ON OVER. AFTER A NIGHT FULL OF FEVERS AND QUICKLY WORSENING FEVERS VERY NEXT DAY BOTH BOYS WENT TO THEIR DOCTOR. DAVID WAS POSITIVE FOR SWINE FLU AND GIVEN TAMIFLU BUT RYAN WAS NEGATIVE AND GIVEN NOTHING. THE DOCTOR SAID HE HAD JUST A COLD BUT NO WORRY THEY DON'T NEED TO BE SEPARATED AS LONG AS THEY ARE NOT COUGHING IN EACH OTHER S FACES. I WAS LEARY OF HIS ADVICE AND READY FOR DAWN TO PACK UP RYAN AND HEAD TO HER MOMS BASEMENT APARTMENT FOR THE DURATION. SHE AGREED WITH DOCTOR AND SHE AND RYAN STAYED HOME. I WAS UP EVERY FEW HOURS TAKING TEMPS AND MEDICATING THE BOYS. RYAN WAS WORSE THAN DAVID DURING THE NIGHT SO I TOLD DAWN SHE SHOULD TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL WHICH SHE DID. HE TESTED POSITIVE FOR STREP AND THE DOCTOR SWORE TO HER THAT SINCE HE TESTED NEGATIVE FOR SWINE THE RESULT WOULD NOT BE DIFFERENT...HE WAS WRONG. RYAN TESTED POSITIVE FOR SWINE AS WELL. DAWN WAS GIVEN A PRESCRIPTION FOR TAMIFLU ONLY BECAUSE SHE KIND OF PRESSURED HIM AND HE TOLD HER AT THIS POINT IT WOULDN'T REALLY HELP SINCE IT HAD BEEN MORE THAN 48HRS SINCE SYMPTOMS BEGAN. WE WERE TOLD TO KEEP THEM HOME FOR ONE WHOLE DAY AFTER THEY HAD BEEN FEVER FREE FOR 24HRS. THE BOYS HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN WITHOUT FEVER SINCE SATURDAY (DAVID) AND SUNDAY (RYAN) BUT THEY ARE STILL HOME WITH COUGHS AND GENERAL BLAHS. THEY ARE GOING BACK TOMORROW. I WILL WHISPER QUIETLY TO YOU ALL SO AS NOT TO JINX US BUT IT LOOKS LIKE DAWN AND I MAY HAVE COME OUT OF THIS UNSCATHED.

SO PIGGIE PIGGIE FLY AWAY WE DON'T WANT YOU TO COME OUR WAY.

HOLY SHIT... THINGS ARE GOING WELL

BELIEVE IT OR NOT...I AM REALLY HAPPY LATELY. I KNOW...SHOCKER!! THINGS ARE GOING WELL. A HUGE WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED OFF MY SHOULDERS AND WE ARE LOOKING AHEAD TO A BRIGHT AND SOMEWHAT EASIER FUTURE. WE ARE JUST STARTING TO LOOK FOR A HOUSE WHILE PAYING OFF ANY AND ALL DEBT WE HAVE... STARTING FROM A CLEAN SLATE SOUNDS SO GOOD TO ME. OUR BOYS ARE TAKING THEIR CAP AND GOWN PICS TODAY. I CAN NOT BELIEVE THEY ARE GONNA BE GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL NEXT YEAR AND OUR WONDERFULLY SWEET AND SELFLESS KD HAS AGREED TO DONATE HIS SERVICES IN JANUARY AND FROM WHAT HE SAYS WHENEVER WE NEED UNTIL WE HAVE OUR HAPPY ENDING. I LOVE THIS GUY HE IS A SWEETIE. ALSO, A FEW WEEKS AFTER OUR UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT I SAW A RATHER LARGE ARTICLE IN THE PAPER ABOUT REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGISTS AND THEIR FREQUENT TENDENCY TO LABEL A WOMAN AS HAVING NON SPECIFIED PREMATURE OVARIAN FAILURE WITH NO REALLY GOOD REASON. THE ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN BY A FORMER RE AND HIS PARTNER (ALSO AN RE) WHO LEFT THE BUSINESS BECAUSE OF THIS SUDDEN TREND TO PUSH WOMEN INTO IVF. PUTTING WOMEN (OVER THE AGE OF 30) UNDER A SERIES OF INTENSE MEDICAL AND PHARMACEUTICAL TRIALS TO ONLY HAVE THEM STEERED INTO IVF. NOW, MY RE, DR. P, WAS WONDERFUL, BUT IN RETROSPECT, SHE WAS PUSHY ABOUT THE IVF EVEN THOUGH WE TOLD HER WE WERE NOT INTERESTED, SHE SAID EVERYTHING CAME BACK FINE EXCEPT FOR MY OVARIAN RESERVE WHICH WAS LOW...WELL SAID ARTICLE ADDRESSES THE FACT THAT THAT RESERVE DROPS AT 25 FOR ALL WOMEN AND THAT IT DOES NOT MEAN INFERTILITY. SO JUST FOR KICKS, OK, NOT FOR KICKS BUT FOR MY OWN SANITY, I TOOL THE FI*RST RE*SPO*NSE FERTILITY TEST...2 MONTHS IN A ROW...AND LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD IT INDICATED THAT MY RESERVE IS IN THE FERTILE RANGE. ALSO, MY DARLING RE NEVER TOLD ME THAT CLOMID CAN CAUSE NON-STICKING OF PERFECTLY GOOD FERTILIZED EGGS. WELL...NO MORE RE FOR ME. WE ARE GONNA GO NO MEDS NO HELP...JUST ME, MY WIFE AND AN EXTREMELY APPRECIATED DONATION. IT IS WHAT IT IS AND WHAT IT IS IS UP TO US.

THIS ISH IS GETTING F'ING OLD

BECAUSE APPARENTLY THINGS WERE JUST GOING TOO SMOOTHLY (INSERT EYEROLL HERE) I WAS ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL THE OTHER DAY FOR CHEST PAIN. I HAVE NOT BEEN ADMITTED TO A HOSPITAL SINCE DAVID WAS BORN ALMOST 14 YEARS AGO. IT WAS NOT FUN TO SAY THE LEAST. AFTER HOURS IN THE HOSPITAL ER THEY WERE GONNA LET ME GO BUT DECIDED TO DO ANOTHER EKG JUST IN CASE... AND OF COURSE THAT ONE CAME BACK DIFFERENT THEN THE FIRST...SO THEY KEPT MY ASS WITH THE INTENTION OF DOING AN ECHO AND A STRESS TEST... AFTER A NIGHT OF BLOOD WORK AND EKGS AND VITALS THEY OPTED OUT OF THE ECHO AND STRESS TESTS AND DECIDED TO SEND ME HOME ANYWAY. OF COURSE I ONLY FEEL MARGINALLY BETTER BUT WHAT DO THEY CARE? SO I HOME I WENT AND SPENT THE NEXT TWO DAYS IN BED. I AM BACK AT WORK TODAY AND HAVE A FOLLOW UP WITH MY PRIMARY WHO I CALL DR. DONOTHING. IT SEEMS LIKE SOME DAMN CONSPIRACY OF THE UNIVERSE TO KEEP ME FROM TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. WELL DEAR UNIVERSE, TOO FUCKING BAD, PLANS ARE MOVING FORWARD AND YOU WILL NOT STAND IN MY WAY !!

to be or not to be... depressed

So I am DEPRESSED. I mean who isn't depressed at one point in their lives or another? Well, it seems that I am depressed at all points of my life lately. I wish I could say it is all because of this crazy last few years of ups and downs in ttc but it isn't. The truth is I have been this way since I was a little girl. The truth is I spend most of my time trying to appear happy when inside I feel the complete opposite. It is extremely tiring to spend all your time pretending. Actually, it is fucking exhausting!! I used to be really good at it, now it appears my slip is showing.

Mental illness runs far and deep in my family and I guess I have known that there is something wrong for what seems like forever, and a few years ago I was officially diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder for you sane people) but if you ask me it is the wrong diagnosis. I went to the psychiatrist once and within the first 20 minutes she suggested meds. Now, I am all for everyone doing what works for them, but I personally do not want to be on medication especially after only talking to this woman for 20 minutes. It was right after my son really started having a hard time with his Tourettes, I found myself always crying when he wasn't looking because I could not make it better for him and I did not want him to see me upset about it... to me that sounds like normal mother/child response but then I am not a pill pushing doctor.

That being said... I think I need to talk to someone and my ENTIRE family agrees. I just don't know how all this is going to affect our ttc plans. I think I am most afraid of someone telling me that the things/people that I want/need most in my life are my biggest problems. What to do what to do? I don't really want to do anything. It seems that I am really good at helping people with their problems and feelings... but what about mine? I can't talk about or deal with my own.

WHY NOW?... So, I had a bit of a breakdown the other day and now everyone is looking at me with the side eye like I am gonna find the highest building and take a walk off it... but that isn't the case and frankly I find it annoying that everybody worries when I "don't act like myself" but never during their everyday lives do they consider that like everyone else I am not ok and maybe they should stop talking about their problems for long enough to ask me and genuinely give a fuck about mine. Now everybody is all concerned and upset but maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't have gotten to this point if they had taken a minute to ask before. Then again probably not, they all point fingers at each other for me feeling this way. They all tell me not to worry so much about the others and not to let them weigh me down with all their crap etc... but every single one of those people is a taker. They are the ones who take from me all the time leaving me with nothing in return except worry... lots and lots of worry. Quite frankly I am kinda over it and at this moment the thing that worries me the most is not that underneath the facade of happiness I am depressed but that underneath the depression secretly I don't give a fuck anymore. So what is worse?

a Happy Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING WIFE!! IT IS MOMENTS LIKE THIS WHEN CELEBRATING SOMEONE I LOVE SO MUCH THAT I CAN REMEMBER TO BE THANKFUL FOR THE THINGS THAT I DO HAVE AND NOT FOCUS ON THE THINGS THAT I DON'T. IN HER I HAVE AN AMAZING WIFE WHO IS MY BEST FRIEND, MY BIGGEST SUPPORTER, MY SHOULDER TO CRY ON, MY WALL TO BOUNCE OFF OF, A GREAT MOTHER TO OUR SONS AND THE BEST PERSON FOR ME. WE ARE SO DIFFERENT YET FIT SO PERFECTLY TOGETHER. SHE GETS ME EVEN WHEN I DON'T GET MYSELF. WE FIGHT LIKE ALL OTHER COUPLES AND GOD KNOWS PROBABLY UNLIKE OTHER COUPLES AS WELL BUT IN THE END IT IS OK BECAUSE IT IS NOT WITH EACH OTHER AS MUCH AS FOR EACH OTHER THAT WE DO SO. I LOVE HER WITH ALL OF MY BEING AND AM GRATEFUL EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR HER, EVEN THE DAYS WE WANT TO KILL EACH OTHER.. LOL. SHE HAS MY HEART FOREVER AND IF I AM LUCKY, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE HERS. SO TO MY BEAUTIFUL DAWN, I LOVE YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND THANK YOU.

THE GREEN EYED MONSTER

AS YOU CAN SEE I AM NOT PLAYING NICE. I AM FINDING THAT WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR LATELY THE EYES THAT STARE BACK AT ME ARE NOT MY DARK BROWN DOE EYES BUT THES GLARING GREEN EYES OF A MONSTER THAT QUITE FRANKLY SCARES THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF ME. I AM BY NATURE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WANTS EVER SO MUCH TO HOLD ON TO MY CHILDLIKE IDEA THAT THERE IS GOOD IN EVERYONE AND THAT THERE IS HUMANITY LEFT IN THE HUMAN RACE. I ALWAYS WISH FOR THE BEST FOR OTHERS EVEN IF THAT SOMEHOW DOESN'T VIBE WITH WHAT WORKS FOR ME. I LISTEN TO OTHERS WHENEVER THEY WANT TO TALK EVEN IF AT THE MOMENT I AM DEALING WITH MY OWN PROBLEMS. I TRY TO BE A GOOD FRIEND AND I PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING THE BEST MOTHER AND WIFE. I WOULD DIE FOR MY LOVED ONES AND AM LOYAL TO A FAULT. SO WHY IS THE PERSON LOOKING BACK AT ME SOMEONE I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH? THIS WHOLE FEELING OF FAILURE HAS LEFT A BITTER TASTE IN MY MOUTH AND A GREEN TINT IN MY EYES. I READ ALOT OF BLOGS AND THOUGH I DON'T COMMENT ON THEM ALL I AM ALWAYS ROOTING FOR EVERYONE, LAUGHING, CRYING, YELLING ALONG SIDE THEM. NOW I FIND MYSELF FEELING JEALOUS OF THEIR SUCCESSES AND COMFORTED BY THE FACT THAT I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DID NOT SUCCEED. I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON. ONE OF MY OLDEST FRIENDS WIL BE CALLING ME THIS MORNING TO TELL ME IF SHE IS PREGNANT. SHE HAS A 12 YEAR OLD AND A 1 1/2 YR OLD AND A MONTH AGO WAS TELLING ME SHE HATES HER HUSBAND AND THEY WERE THINKNING ABOUT DIVORCE. SHE TOLD ME SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT AS I WAS FINDING OUT THAT I WAS NOT. SHE KNEW ALL THE DRAMA WE HAD BEEN GOING THROUGH AND WE WERE GONNA BE TRYING THOUGH SHE DIDN'T KNOW THE DETAILS - SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS NOT HAPPY AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ... I TOLD HER WOW AND GOOD LUCK. LAME ASS LINE RIGHT? I KNOW AND I FELT LIKE AN ASSHOLE FOR SAYING IT BUT WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE SAID?? THEN YESTERDAY SHE TOLD ME SHE WOULD BE SAD IF SHE ISN'T. I WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR HER BUT I AM FINDING IT DIFFICULT. SO I AM JUST WISHING FOR HER WHATEVER IS BEST FOR HER. I WILL DEAL WITH MY OWN SHIT AS I GO ALONG AND JUST TRY MY BEST TO BE SUPPORTIVE. IN THE MEANTIME I AM GONNA TRY TO JUST STAY POSITIVE AND WAIT PATIENTLY FOR OUR TURN... AND I AM GONNA WISH EVERYBODY LUCK, POSITIVE THOUGHTS, LOTS OF STICKY BABY DUST AND SEND ALL MY LOVE AND APOLOGIES FOR NOT ALWAYS BEING AS SUPPORTIVE AS I SHOULD BE.