Monday, July 23, 2007

If patience is a virtue... then I am virtually virtueless

There has to be something we should be doing. I know we decided that we are gonna try to get pregnant next summer and we were not gonna start charting until January but what the hell !!!! I am a woman obsessed. I can not stop thinking about it. I feel like there should be something we should be doing. Any suggestions? We've read a million books and talked about all the details. We decided we are gonna re-do the boys' room by Christmas so we (ok I) won't feel guilty when we have to get the little room ready for a baby.
This past Saturday we went to visit Dawn's brother, sis-in-law and new nephew. He is soooo cute. I watched David with him. He was great!! He actually pulled me aside and asked if he could hold him for awhile. He brought his own camera and took lots of pics of the baby and everyone with the baby. I have hope that the cruise may have given him the extra little baby boost he is gonna need when we tell them about our plans. Ryan on the other hand is the same always, laid back and pretty much go with the flow kid he always is... but still, I wonder if maybe we shouldn't worry about him at least a little.
For some reason, when I see Dawn's nephew I get really sad and anxious about us having a baby - when I see my nephew I don't. She asked me why yesterday, I didn't have an answer... but I have been sitting here thinking about it all morning and I guess maybe seeing everybody in her family ooohing and ahhhing over him makes me just a little sad/scared thinking about whether or not they will do the same for ours. I don't have that fear when it comes to my family but I am still a little scared that we won't get the same love and acceptance from her family. What's that saying... Once bitten, twice shy? I wish I could shake this feeling but somehow I can't and then I relive all that crappy rejection I felt from them in the beginning, then I feel guilty about still feeling that way so many years later, then I just feel worse about the whole thing. What the hell?!?! Insecurity has always been one of my biggest problems.

Anyway, Ryan is in Tennessee for a few days with his dad and David started football daycamp today. Dawn is home by herself and I am at work (ok so I am hardly working, but I am still here). The weather is awful. Raining and cold and depressing. The kind of day I wish I was home curled up under the blankets with my beautiful wife. Oh well. It's Monday so I'll just start the countdown to the weekend.


K J and the kids said...

Is there a reason you are waiting until next summer ?
I say jump in with your cloths off. :)
Plan can never be fully prepared. Get started trying and then the pieces will fall in to place.

I know exactly how you feel about the family issues. My brother and his wife are having a baby and I'm waiting to see how they treat him/her in comparison with my kids. (they are GREAT with my kids mind you) Still. The worry is there.

EggDropBlogger said...

Oh, I can relate to your worries. Nadia and I have no idea how either one of our families will react.

Why are you waiting 'til next summer?

I know you don't know me but I've tagged you.

Please check out my site and keep the game going. Thanks!

ajs4ever said...

Back again! You have been tagged for a me-me:) It's Holly's fault:)

Michelle said...

We are waiting till next Summer for a few reasons. We want to redo the boys' room which is going to be expensive and time consuming, I want to lose weight, I really feel it would be healthier for me to take some of it off before I put more on and we would like our finances to be a little better before we start trying. Next year we are both looking at significant pay increases. Plus we are still doing some research on maternity leave, second parent adoption and child care options. I know you can never be fully prepared, God knows I was not prepared at all when I had David, but this time around we are trying to be a little ahead of the game even if only for a short while.