THINGS I KNOW AND THINGS I DON'T

YESTERDAY WAS PRETTY HARD. WE WENT TO MY SISTERS TO SEE MY NEPHEWS FLAG FOOTBALL GAME AND THEN PUT TOGETHER HER NURSERY FURNITURE. IT WAS KIND OF PAINFUL. I DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE.  I PRAYED IT WOULDN'T BE. I AM NOT HANDY AT ALL SO I HUNG OUT WITH MY NEPHEW WHILE THE REST OF MY FAMILY (MY DAD, MY SONS, BROTHER IN LAW ETC...) PUT THE STUFF TOGETHER. WATCHING MY WIFE PUT TOGETHER STROLLERS AND SWINGS AND PACK N PLAYS FOR A BABY THAT ISN'T OURS WAS MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE. I HELD IT TOGETHER YESTERDAY (AT LEAST ABOUT 98%) ONLY SHE SAW MY TEAR RIMMED EYES. TODAY I FEEL DEFLATED. I WANT SO BAD TO BE HAPPY AND EXCITED AND NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY OR ALL THE THINGS I PICTURE DOING WITH MY SOON TO BE BORN (LESS THAN 3 WKS) NIECE, NOTHING WORKS. I AM MISERABLE. I AM TORN BETWEEN FEELING GUILTY ABOUT NOT BEING CLOSE ENOUGH TO HER TO HELP WITH THE BABY AND RELIEVED TO BE AS FAR AS I AM. I FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE PERSON. 

TOMORROW I HAVE ANOTHER SONO AND MORE BLOODS TO SEE IF WE ARE ANY CLOSER TO OUR 3RD FET. IF IT GOES HOW IT SHOULD WE SHOULD ONLY BE @ A WEEK AWAY. I CAN'T MUSTER ANY EXCITEMENT ABOUT IT. I ONLY FEEL ANXIOUS AND PREPARED FOR THE WORST. I KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT THIS WILL BE IT, THIS WILL BE THE ONE, 3RD TIMES A CHARM, ETC... BUT THEN I FOLLOW IT UP WITH A QUICK "I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE" BEFORE I CAN EVEN PROCESS THE FIRST THOUGHT. THIS WHOLE THING HAS ME FEELING SCHIZO. I KNOW ALL THE "RIGHT" THINGS TO TELL MYSELF BUT I JUST CANT FEEL THEM. 

FOR EXAMPLE... I KNOW THAT YOU AREN'T EVEN TECHNICALLY CONSIDERED "INFERTILE" UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN UNSUCCESSFULLY BUT ACTIVELY TRYING TO NATURALLY CONCEIVE FOR A YEAR, SIX MONTHS AT MY AGE. I KNOW SINCE CLEARLY THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE (YOU KNOW THAT WHOLE NOT A PENIS BETWEEN US THING) THAT WE WERE KIND OF LABELED INFERTILE FROM THE JUMP. I KNOW THAT THERE WAS A A DIFFERENCE IN OPINION BETWEEN MY OLD DOCTOR (09) AND NEW DOCTOR (SINCE 2011) ABOUT HOW LOW MY OVARIAN RESERVE REALLY IS. I KNOW I AM SEVERELY OVERWEIGHT. I KNOW I AM NOW 36 YRS OLD.I ALSO KNOW THAT WE ONLY DID 1 HOME IUI BACK IN 9/09.   I KNOW THAT THE ONLY TRANSFERS WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO ARE FET AND THAT WE HAVE ONLY DONE 2 SO FAR. WE DID ONE IN 11/11 AND ONE IN 7/12. THIS WILL BE OUR 3RD. I KNOW THE KNOWN DONOR WE USED FOR THE IUI AND THE 1ST FET WAS A POOR CHOICE. SWEET GUY, GOOD INTENTIONS, BAD BAD SPERM. I KNOW THIS WHOLE THING HAS MADE ME CRAZY AND TAKEN A TOLL ON EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE AND ALL OF MY RELATIONSHIPS. I KNOW THIS HAS ALSO KICKED THE CRAP OUT OF US FINANCIALLY. I KNOW I AM LUCKY TO HAVE THE AMAZING SON THAT I GAVE BIRTH TOO AS WELL AS THE AMAZING SON WHO CAME INTO MY LIFE BEFORE HE WAS EVEN 2... BUT I KNOW  I STILL BADLY WANT A BABY WITH MY WIFE. 

I ALSO HAVE A SHIT LOAD OF STUFF I DON'T KNOW.  I DON'T KNOW HOW MY KIDS WOULD FEEL IF THEY KNEW WE WERE GOING THROUGH ALL THIS. I DON'T KNOW IF I AM EVEN TECHNICALLY CONSIDERED INFERTILE' I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE WHO READS THIS GETS PISSED AT ME FOR MY FEELING THAT LABEL SUITS ME. I DON'T KNOW IF THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF I WAS DIFFERENT (YOUNGER, SKINNIER, STRAIGHT). I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER IF I COULD. I DON'T KNOW WHY THE LAST FET DIDN'T WORK. I DON'T KNOW IF THE NEXT ONE WILL. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DEAL WITH ANOTHER FAILURE. I DON'T KNOW HOW I WILL DEAL WITH A SUCCESS. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN CONTINUE. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GIVE UP.  

SO YOU SEE HERE IN LIES THE PROBLEM. ALL THIS STUFF IS MIXED UP IN MY HEAD AT ANY GIVEN POINT. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RECONCILE ALL OF THIS SO THAT I CAN KEEP MOVING FORWARD...IN WHICHEVER DIRECTION LIFE TAKES ME.