Tangled thoughts and feelings

IF EACH ONE OF THESE RUBBER BANDS WAS A DIFFERENT THOUGHT OR FEELING AND YOU MULTIPLIED THEM BY 100, THIS IS WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IN THE INSIDE OF MY HEAD. RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T GET MY HEAD STRAIGHT. I CAN'T TALK ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING BECAUSE IT ISN'T CLEAR ENOUGH TO FORM INTO SPOKEN WORDS. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SORT OUT MY THOUGHTS. I JUST KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW MY LOWS ARE MORE THAN MY HIGHS AND IT HAPPENS FROM ONE MINUTE TO THE NEXT. I AM BETTER WHEN I AM BUSY. THE FIRST SIGN OF DOWN TIME AND ITS LIKE SOMEONE POKES A HOLE IN THE DAM. 

MONEY, THE BOYS, MY PARENTS, MY SISTER, MY JOB, OUR MARRIAGE,  THE IVF... ITS ALL WEIGHING ON MY MIND AND MORE. I FEEL LIKE THERE IS A WEIGHT ON MY CHEST SOMETIMES AND I CAN'T EVEN BREATHE BECAUSE OF IT. I WORRY TOO MUCH. I KNOW. I JUST CAN NOT HELP IT. THE IVF STUFF HAS MADE ME CRAZY. WE ARE GONNA TRY AGAIN...IF IT DOESN'T WORK (PLEASE GOD, LET IT WORK) WE WILL STILL HAVE 3 FROSTIES LEFT. THE PROBLEM IS...I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO TRY AGAIN RIGHT AWAY AFTER THAT OR WAIT A LITTLE...OR A LOT. I JUST TURNED 36. MY WIFE WILL BE 42 SOON. BOTH BOYS ARE STARTING THEIR JUNIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL TOMORROW. HOW LONG DO I WANNA WAIT? HOW LONG CAN I WAIT? HOW LONG CAN I GO ON? I DON'T WANT TO WAIT SO LONG THAT THE BOYS LEAVE FOR COLLEGE AND WE WELCOME A NEW BABY. I DO NOT WANT THEM TO THINK WE ARE REPLACING THEM AND I CERTAINLY DO NOT WANT THEM TO BE GONE SO SOON WITHOUT HAVING GOTTEN TO SPEND ANY TIME WITH A NEW SIBLING...OF COURSE THIS IS ASSUMING THIS ALL WORKS...BUT I ALSO CAN NOT SIT HERE AND SAY THAT I AM 100% CERTAIN I WANT TO COMMIT TO DOING THIS BACK TO BACK TILL WE REACH THE END ANYMORE. I AM SO TORN. 

EVEN WRITING THAT WAS EXHAUSTING AND LEFT ME FEELING SICK. I THINK I AM DONE WRITING FOR NOW...