Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Tangled thoughts and feelings


IF EACH ONE OF THESE RUBBER BANDS WAS A DIFFERENT THOUGHT OR FEELING AND YOU MULTIPLIED THEM BY 100, THIS IS WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IN THE INSIDE OF MY HEAD. RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T GET MY HEAD STRAIGHT. I CAN'T TALK ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING BECAUSE IT ISN'T CLEAR ENOUGH TO FORM INTO SPOKEN WORDS. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SORT OUT MY THOUGHTS. I JUST KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW MY LOWS ARE MORE THAN MY HIGHS AND IT HAPPENS FROM ONE MINUTE TO THE NEXT. I AM BETTER WHEN I AM BUSY. THE FIRST SIGN OF DOWN TIME AND ITS LIKE SOMEONE POKES A HOLE IN THE DAM. 

MONEY, THE BOYS, MY PARENTS, MY SISTER, MY JOB, OUR MARRIAGE,  THE IVF... ITS ALL WEIGHING ON MY MIND AND MORE. I FEEL LIKE THERE IS A WEIGHT ON MY CHEST SOMETIMES AND I CAN'T EVEN BREATHE BECAUSE OF IT. I WORRY TOO MUCH. I KNOW. I JUST CAN NOT HELP IT. THE IVF STUFF HAS MADE ME CRAZY. WE ARE GONNA TRY AGAIN...IF IT DOESN'T WORK (PLEASE GOD, LET IT WORK) WE WILL STILL HAVE 3 FROSTIES LEFT. THE PROBLEM IS...I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO TRY AGAIN RIGHT AWAY AFTER THAT OR WAIT A LITTLE...OR A LOT. I JUST TURNED 36. MY WIFE WILL BE 42 SOON. BOTH BOYS ARE STARTING THEIR JUNIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL TOMORROW. HOW LONG DO I WANNA WAIT? HOW LONG CAN I WAIT? HOW LONG CAN I GO ON? I DON'T WANT TO WAIT SO LONG THAT THE BOYS LEAVE FOR COLLEGE AND WE WELCOME A NEW BABY. I DO NOT WANT THEM TO THINK WE ARE REPLACING THEM AND I CERTAINLY DO NOT WANT THEM TO BE GONE SO SOON WITHOUT HAVING GOTTEN TO SPEND ANY TIME WITH A NEW SIBLING...OF COURSE THIS IS ASSUMING THIS ALL WORKS...BUT I ALSO CAN NOT SIT HERE AND SAY THAT I AM 100% CERTAIN I WANT TO COMMIT TO DOING THIS BACK TO BACK TILL WE REACH THE END ANYMORE. I AM SO TORN. 

EVEN WRITING THAT WAS EXHAUSTING AND LEFT ME FEELING SICK. I THINK I AM DONE WRITING FOR NOW...


2 comments:

Played by the Fickle Mistress said...

I've been there. Be gentle with yourself. Wish all the best for you.

Michelle said...

thank you so much...it means alot to hear some feedback once in a while. I appreciate it and send good wishes back your way