OUT AGAIN

THE ABOVE PRETTY MUCH DEFINES WHAT I SAY VS. HOW I FEEL. IT WOULD BE EASIER IF NO ONE ASKED. THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO ADD LIAR TO MY LIST OF SELF DESCRIBING ADJECTIVES.

WE ARE OUT ANOTHER CYCLE. I DON'T GO BACK FOR ANOTHER THREE WEEKS. I AM CRUSHED. 

I WENT FOR MORE BLOOD AND ANOTHER SONO TODAY AND IT TURNS OUT THERE IS SOME FLUID IN MY UTERINE CAVITY. THEY WERE NOT 100% SURE WHAT IT IS BUT THE ARE PRETTY SURE ITS BLOOD. MORE LIKELY THAN NOT, FROM THE HYSTEROSCOPY. SO AS PER THE DOCTOR THIS DOES NOT MAKE MY UTERUS A "GOOD ENVIRONMENT FOR AN EMBRYO" JUST FOR THE RECORD...FUCK YOU VERY MUCH DR. Z. OK WELL, MAYBE THAT WAS HARSH. IN MY DEFENSE I AM ALL KINDS OF ANGRY RIGHT NOW (AS WELL AS SAD, TIRED, FRUSTRATED ETC...) AND I NEED TO FIGURE OUT SOMEONE TO BE ANGRY AT OTHER THAN MYSELF. HE IS AS GOOD A TARGET AS ANY.

I MEAN FINE, BEING CAUTIOUS AND WAITING THIS MONTH OUT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO BUT THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. THE HYSTEROSCOPY WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE TO "STIMULATE MORE BLOOD FLOW" AND MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR AN FET. THAT SHIT DID THE FUCKING OPPOSITE. COME ON ALREADY WITH THIS CRAZINESS. I AM ONLY HUMAN AND I AM HAVING A HARD TIME FIXING THE CRACKS THAT THIS IS PUTTING IN MY HEART AND SOUL.

BEFORE THIS ALL STARTED, WHEN I THOUGHT THE IDEA OF ANOTHER BABY WAS COMPLETELY OFF THE TABLE, I WAS JUST SAD. I FELT LITTLE TWINGES OF SADNESS HERE AND THERE PASSING BABY CLOTHES OR HEARING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE BEING PREGNANT. I WOULD LOOK AT MY BOYS AND SEE HOW FAST THEY WERE GROWING UP (DID I MENTION THEY ARE 15 AND 16 ALREADY!!) AND MY HEART WOULD ACHE FOR THE DAYS WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE. NOW THIS IVF BABY MAKING STUFF HAS LEFT ME SAD, ANGRY, BITTER, JEALOUS, TIRED, INSECURE, DEPRESSED ETC... I KNOW IN THE END IT WILL BE ALL WORTH IT IF I GET TO HOLD OUR HAPPY, HEALTHY BABY IN MY ARMS...BUT WHAT HAPPENS IF I DON'T? WHAT WILL BE LEFT OF ME? WHAT WILL HAVE BEEN RUINED? 

HOW MANY PEOPLE FIND SUCCESS AFTER ALL THE HEARTBREAK? HOW MANY FIND THEMSELVES WORSE OFF FOR TRYING AND FAILING? THE STAKES ARE SO HIGH. THIS WHOLE PROCESS HAS BY FAR BEEN THE BIGGEST RISK I HAVE EVER TAKEN... I HOPE AT THE END OF ALL THIS I GET TO BE ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES WHO GETS TO SAY IT WAS ALL WORTH IT.