I SUCK

TOMORROW WE GO BACK TO THE FERTILITY CLINIC. I AM NOT EXCITED. MY DESIRE TO HAVE A BABY IS NO LESS THAN IT HAS BEEN BEFORE...IT JUST SEEMS THAT MY BELIEF IN SUCCESS IS LESS. WE ARE ALL TOLD THE NUMBER "35" IS A SORT OF EXPIRATION DATE ON OUR FERTILITY. WE ALL FEAR IT. NEVER MIND THAT INFERTILITY AFFECTS WOMEN OF ALL AGES, RACES, SIZES ETC... WELL...THIS SATURDAY I WILL BE 36. I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL THIS IMPENDING SENSE OF DOOM. IN A NUTSHELL OUR FIRST FET WAS WITH A DONOR WHO PERHAPS WAS NOT THE BEST CHOICE. WE CHOSE HIM FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS AND WELL, LETS JUST SAY QUALITY AND QUANTITY WERE NOT A HUGE CONCERN TO US SO WE DIDN'T GIVE IT MUCH THOUGHT. WE GAVE IT A SHOT. IT DIDN'T WORK. WE WERE SAD, WE REALIZED OUR MISTAKE AND CHOSE MORE WISELY. THIS LAST ONE SHOULD HAVE WORKED. EVERYTHING LOOKED PERFECT,  STATS WERE FANTASTIC AND THE FINISHED PRODUCTS WERE LOOKING FLAWLESS. (ALTHOUGH WE DID FIND OUT AFTER THE FACT THAT WHAT THEY TRANSFERRED WAS A 4 DAY MORULA AND NOT A 5 DAY BLAST)  IT STILL DIDN'T FRIGGIN WORK. 

WHAT THE HELL! HOW CAN I NOT THINK ITS ME THAT'S THE PROBLEM?? HOW CAN I NOT FEEL LIKE I AM JUST ONE BIG FAT OLD FAILURE? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT TOMORROW BUT I AM STILL GONNA TRY MY BEST TO KEEP GOING AND FIGURE OUT A WAY TO FIND SOME MIDDLE GROUND AT CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC. RIGHT NOW LIFE CONTINUES TO GO ON AROUND US AND I AM TRYING MY BEST TO KEEP MOVING WITH IT. SOME DAYS ARE EASIER THAN OTHERS...THOSE ARE FAR AND FEW BETWEEN. I HAVE NOT HAD TO DIP INTO MY ANXIETY MEDS WHICH IS GOOD BUT I FEEL LIKE I MAY HAVE TO SOON, WHICH IS OK BUT NOT AS GOOD.  

OUR TEENS ARE GREAT KIDS BUT WEIGHTED DOWN WITH THEIR OWN ADOLESCENT DRAMAS. THE OLDEST MORE SO BECAUSE HE HAS TROUBLE COPING. WE ARE TRYING TO FIX THAT AND I AM PROUD OF HIM FOR FINALLY ASKING FOR HELP AND REALIZING THAT IT IS OK TO NOT BE ABLE TO DO IT YOURSELF ALL THE TIME. I AM WORRIED HOW ALL OF THIS WILL TAKE A TOLL ON THEM, ESPECIALLY THE OLDEST, IF IT WORKS. I AM TRYING TO NOT LET MY CONCERN FOR THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT A SIBLING DICTATE MY FEELINGS. I HAVE DONE OK SO FAR. I AM STILL STICKING TO NOT WANTING TO SAY ANYTHING DURING THE PROCESS UNTIL WE SUCCEED AND ARE IN A "SAFE ZONE" I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO MAKE THEM GO THROUGH ANY OF THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL FOR SOMETHING THAT MAY NOT COME TO PASS...AND FRANKLY IF WE WERE A STRAIGHT FERTILE COUPLE AND I GOT KNOCKED UP BY ACCIDENT THEY WOULDN'T HAVE MUCH CHOICE BUT TO DEAL WITH IT ANYWAY SO WHY TREAT IT DIFFERENTLY.

I HAVEN'T MENTIONED IT BEFORE BUT I WILL MENTION IT BRIEFLY...I AM CURRENTLY PLANNING A BABY SHOWER FOR MY SISTER IN A FEW WEEKS. HER AND HER HUSBAND WERE NOT PLANNING IT. THEY ARE GOOD PARENTS. BUT SHE WAS/IS HAVING MAJOR HEALTH AND FINANCIAL ISSUES - THEY ARE NOT IN A STABLE PLACE RIGHT NOW AND STRUGGLE TO BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THEIR 5YR OLD.  SHE IS HAVING A GIRL. I AM STRUGGLING WITH ALL OF THIS. I AM TRYING TO DO MY BEST TO BE HAPPY AND SUPPORTIVE FOR THEM. I SUCK. I AM JEALOUS. I AM ANGRY. I AM SAD. I AM SHAKING MY FISTS AT THE HEAVENS. I BUY CUTE BABY CLOTHES AND PRESENTS FOR THE BABY. I WILL THROW MY SISTER A BABY SHOWER IN MY HOME. I HAVE DISTANCED MYSELF FROM MY SISTER AND THIS PREGNANCY. SHE WILL BE MY FIRST NIECE. I ALREADY LOVE HER BUT I DO NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY I DID AS WHEN MY SISTER WAS PREGNANT WITH MY NEPHEW. I AM AFRAID I WON'T LOVE HER AS MUCH AS I SHOULD. 

I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE. INFERTILITY IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM FUCKING SUCKS. IT HAS MADE ME A GREEN EYED MONSTER. I NEVER LIKED THE COLOR GREEN.