Struggling

I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY TODAY. I AM STRUGGLING. I AM HAVING A HARD TIME COPING. I AM TERRIFIED. I AM ANGRY. I AM SAD. 

EVERYTHING WAS FINE AT MY FOLLOW UP VISIT YESTERDAY. MY LEAD FOLLICLE WAS 17 AND MY LINING 9.5. I HAVE TO GO BACK TOMORROW FOR ANOTHER SONO AND MORE BLOOD. MORE POKING AND MORE PRODDING. SO I GUESS WE ARE LOOKING AT SOME TIME MID NEXT WEEK FOR OUR NEXT FET. 

I AM NOT EXCITED. I AM TIRED. I CAN'T MANAGE TO GET MY HOPES UP EVEN A LITTLE BECAUSE I CAN'T RISK BEING BROKEN ANYMORE. I FELL OUT OF MYSELF...DETACHED. I KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT IT WILL BE OK AND IN THE END THIS WILL ALL BE WORTH IT. I BELIEVE MYSELF LESS AND LESS. I FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I FEEL THIS WAY ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE THAT WANTED THIS THE LONGEST. 

WE ARE HOSTING MY SISTER'S BABY SHOWER THIS SATURDAY. I WISH I COULD HIDE. I WISH I COULD RUN AWAY. I WISH I COULD BE INVISIBLE. I WISH I COULD MAKE THESE FEELINGS GO AWAY. I WISH I WAS A BETTER PERSON. I FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE ONE. 

I FEEL LIKE I AM DROWNING AND ANYONE WHO REACHES OUT GETS DRAGGED DOWN WITH ME.

I AM NOT SURE HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE BUT I KNOW THAT IF I GIVE UP BEFORE WE HAVE EXHAUSTED OUR LAST TRY (WE STILL HAVE 4 FROSTIES) I WILL HATE MYSELF AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WONDERING WHETHER OR NOT THE ONE WE DIDN'T DO WAS THE ONE THAT WOULD HAVE WORKED. AT LEAST THIS WAY IT FEELS LIKE THERE IS AN END...ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.