I AM TIRED OF SITTING ON MY EXTREMELY FAT ASS DOING NOTHING. SINCE I AM ON A FORCED TIME OUT UNTIL THE NEXT CT SCAN THEN I AM GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE FAT ASS THING. I AM STARTING A DIET TODAY. I AM DOING A TWO DAY DETOX AND THEN WEIGHT WATCHERS. I HAVE TRIED THIS BEFORE BUT THIS TIME I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL!!!! I AM GONNA GET MYSELF HEALTHIER FOR ME, MY FAMILY, MY CHANCES OF GETTING PREGNANT... EVERY REASON THINKABLE AND SOME THAT I AM GONNA MAKE UP IF THE ONES I HAVE DON'T SEEM TO ENCOURAGE THE RABBIT FOOD EATING.

I AM GONNA LOSE FUCKING WEIGHT... EVEN IF I HAVE TO TAKE HOSTAGES. LOL.

*** DISCLAIMER: I CAN ALMOST GUARANTEE THAT I AM GONNA BE ONE CRANKY ASS MEGA BITCH FROM NOW UNTIL JUDGEMENT DAY (NOT LIKE MY LITTLE MARY SUNSHINE EVERYDAY SELF) SO BARE WITH ME AND RIDE IT OUT OR GRAB A PIECE OF CAKE AND FUCK OFF. LOL

update...sorta

SO THE LATEST WORD IS... NOTHING. THIS IS ACTUALLY A GOOD THING. ON MONDAY I DECIDED TO CALL (WE DON'T)CARECORE TO CHECK ON MY PET SCAN APPROVAL. I WAS TOLD IT WAS DENIED. THIS WAS NOT A BIG SURPRISE AS THEY LOVE TO DENY THINGS TO THEN APPROVE IT AFTER YOUR DOCTOR APPEALS. THEY TOLD ME THEY FAXED THE DENIAL TO THE DOC ON FRIDAY AND SINCE I KNOW THEY ARE NOT IN TILL TUESDAY I FIGURED I WOULD HEAR FROM THEM SOON. NOT 30 SECONDS AFTER I HUNG UP WITH THEM, I GOT A CALL FROM MY PULMONOLOGIST'S RECEPTIONIST SAYING THAT I WAS TO GET INTO HIS OFFICE THE NEXT DAY. I ASKED HER IF IT WAS ABOUT THE DENIAL AND SHE HAD NO CLUE WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. SHE WOULDN'T /COULDN'T TELL ME WHAT WAS SO URGENT BUT REITERATED THAT IT WAS IMPERATIVE I GET TO THE OFFICE THE NEXT DAY. CUE THE IMPENDING DOOM MUSIC. LET ME JUST SAY I SPENT THE NEXT DAY FEELING AS IF I WERE GONNA BE RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL FOR EMERGENCY SURGERY. I WAS SURE THEY SAW SOMETHING THEY MISSED BEFORE AND THAT MY NUMBER WAS UP. DRAMATIC? MAYBE... BUT I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE THINKING THIS. HOWEVER MY OLD FRIEND (TAKE IT HOW YOU WANT TO "T", YOU ARE OLDER) WHO IS A NURSE TOLD ME THAT MAYBE IT WAS TO TELL ME HE WAS WRONG AND I DIDN'T NEED THE TEST. I LAUGHED BECAUSE WTF KIND OF CRAZY SHIT IS THAT?!?!? IT IS A GOOD THING SHE IS A PEDIATRIC NURSE BECAUSE ONLY KIDS COULD BELIEVE THAT KINDA CRAP. ANYWAY, I WAS STILL GRATEFUL FOR THE POSITIVE THOUGHTS BECAUSE I WAS GETTING DOOMSDAY VIBES FROM EVERYONE ELSE (EVEN MY WIFE WAS GIVING OFF A FEAR I HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE ALTHOUGH SHE WAS THE PICTURE OF STRENGTH ON THE OUTSIDE) ANYWAY, I SPENT MOST OF TUESDAY CRYING, PRAYING, CURSING, CRYING, PRAYING, CURSING ETC... WE GET THERE AN HOUR EARLY (B/C WHO THE HELL KNOWS HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE LEFT, RIGHT?) WE WAIT, I GO IN... NOTHING!!!! HOLY SHIT "T" WAS RIGHT (ONCE IN 26 YEARS. LOL) HE JUST WANTED TO TELL ME THAT THE PET SCAN WAS DENIED (WTF!!!! DIDN'T I ASK ABOUT THIS?!?!?) AND TO TELL ME WHY IT WAS DENIED AND THAT IF HE FELT THAT THERE WAS EVEN A 1% CHANCE THAT THIS WAS THE THYMIC CANCER HE WANTED TO RULE OUT WE WOULD FIGHT IT, BUT THAT HE DOESN'T, SO WE WON'T INSTEAD WE WILL JUST FOLLOW UP WITH A CT SCAN IN MAY... (UMMMM... WASN'T THIS THE FUCKING PLAN ALREADY DOCTOR???) HE DOES FOLLOW UP WITH HE STILL THINKS IT DOES NOT LOOK "KOSHER" BUT THAT HE ISN'T TOO WORRIED? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IF YOU WEREN'T WORRIED WHY ORDER THE TEST WHEN WE WERE GONNA HAVE THE CT ANYWAY? I ASKED HIM IF I SHOULD PULL TOGETHER THE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FOR THE DAMN PET SCAN ANYWAY, BECAUSE IF I SHOULD HAVE IT THEN INSURANCE BE DAMNED I AM GONNA HAVE IT.... HE SAYS NO AND GIVES ME THE WHOLE 1% SPEECH AGAIN.

NOW DO NOT GET ME WRONG... I AM THRILLED THAT I WAS NOT TOLD SOMETHING HORRIBLE WHEN I WENT IN THERE BECAUSE I WAS CONVINCED I WAS DYING. BUT I AM STILL FEELING UNNERVED ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING. WOULDN'T YOU?

this is all I have to say right now

MAYBE I WILL HAVE MORE TO SAY LATER... I AM JUST IN THAT KIND OF PLACE TODAY.

are you serious?!?!? really?!?!?

SO... WE ARE ON HOLD FOR AT LEAST 3 MONTHS. THEY FOUND SOME NODULES IN MY LUNGS AND "RESIDUAL THYMIC TISSUE". EVEN THOUGH MY PULMONOLOGIST ASSURES ME THAT THE NODULES WILL PROBABLY BE NOTHING, PROTOCOL IS TO FOLLOW UP WITH CT SCAN MONITORING EVERY 3 MONTHS FOR 2 YEARS. WHEN HE TOLD ME THAT I FREAKED OUT AND STARTED CRYING. I EXPLAINED FERTILITY WISE, I DON'T HAVE 2 YEARS. IT TURNS OUT HE AND HIS FIANCE ARE GOING TO THE SAME FERTILITY PLACE AS US SO HE UNDERSTOOD. HE MADE ME PROMISE TO GET THE NEXT SCAN IN 3 MONTHS AND THEN SAID IF AT THAT POINT THERE WAS NO CHANGE INT HE NODULES HE WOULD BE WILLING TO "BITE THE BULLET" AND WRITE TO MY RE INFORMING HER THAT IN HIS OPINION THE NODULES POSE NO THREAT AND I COULD CONTINUE TREATMENT. HOWEVER, IF THERE ARE ANY CHANGES, I WOULD HAVE TO TABLE FERTILITY TREATMENT TO HANDLE THOSE ISSUES. HE SAID THE THYMIC ISSUE ISN'T A BIG DEAL GENERALLY. IT IS MORE COMMON THAN NOT AND WOULD PROBABLY NEED NO TREATMENT. HE SAID HE WAS GONNA LOOK AT MY FILMS JUST TO BE SURE HIMSELF AND WOULD CALL ME IF THERE WAS AN ISSUE. I THINK THIS IS AN OK DEAL. I COULD DO 3 MONTHS. I AM NOT EVEN GONNA THING ABOUT 2 YEARS... SO EVEN THOUGH I WAS DISAPPOINTED I WAS OK WITH MY VISIT... UNTIL A FEW DAYS LATER. HE CALLED ME FROM THE IMAGING PLACE TO TELL ME THAT AFTER LOOKING AT MY FILMS THE THYMIC TISSUE MAY BE A PROBLEM AND NEEDS TO BE LOOKED AT WITH A PET SCAN. SO RADIATION ANYONE? YOU KNOW WHAT BURNS MY ASS? THE LAST THING THAT HE SAID TO ME IN HIS OFFICE WAS THAT I AM A HEALTHY WOMAN. I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE THESE LITTLE "HARMLESS ANOMALIES" THAT UNFORTUNATELY HAVE TO BE FOLLOWED UP ON BY A PHYSICIAN ONCE THEY ARE DETECTED EVEN THOUGH THEY MEAN NOTHING. WTF?!?!? SO I AM HEALTHY BUT HAVE SPENT THE LAST I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG IN AND OUT OF DOCTORS FOR NO FREAKING REASON? AND I AM GONNA HAVE TO KEEP GOING JUST IN CASE? OH YEAH AND IF THE DAMN DOCTORS DIDN'T KEEP SENDING ME TO ONE ANOTHER THESE LITTLE THING WOULD GO UNNOTICED AND I COULD GO ON WITH MY FREAKING PLANS? SO BASICALLY BECAUSE EVERY DOCTOR DESPERATELY WANTS TO COVER THEIR OWN ASS "JUST IN CASE" I GET TO PUT MY FERTILITY ISSUES ON THE BACK BURNER WHILE I WATCH MY CLOCK COUNT DOWN? HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOW OVARIAN RESERVE PEOPLE... NO TIME TO WASTE. SO I AM GONNA SIT ON MY ASS AND DO NOTHING FOR THE NEXT 3 FUCKING MONTHS AS FAR AS BABY PLANS GO. I FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING A FIGHT THAT HASN'T EVEN BEGUN.

...AND WE'RE OFF

OK, SO I GOT MY PERMISSION SLIP AND I AM READY TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD... SORT OF. THE QUICK VERSION IS, THE HEMOTOLOGIST RULED OUT ALL KINDS OF SCARY STUFF INCLUDING LEUKEMIA WHICH WAS HIS MAIN CONCERN ALL THE TIME. SO BIG SIGH OF RELIEF. THE CT DID HOWEVER FIND A NODULE ON MY RIGHT LUNG WHICH ANOTHER DOCTOR ACTUALLY FOUND BACK IN APRIL 08 - SO HE SUGGESTS I FOLLOW UP - AND THE CT ALSO SHOWED POSSIBLE UTERINE FIBROIDS... THAT KIND OF SUCKS, BUT WE'LL SEE WHAT THE FAB DR. PARK (OUR RE) SAYS. THE HEMO SAID BASICALLY I JUST HAVE A HIGH WBC COUNT AND IT SEEMS TO BE FOR NO GOOD REASON... I AM SKEPTICAL OF THAT EXPLANATION BUT I AM NO DOCTOR SO I'LL TAKE MY PERMISSION SLIP AND RUN. I ALREADY HAD AN APPOINTMENT SCHEDULED FOR THE RE ON 4/13 BUT JUST TO BE SAFE I FAXED HER MY PAPERS AND ASKED HER TO CALL ME TO SEE IF SHE WANTS TO SEE ME EARLIER. SO WE ARE NOW ON THE ROAD AGAIN. TO CELEBRATE, DAWN AND I BOUGHT A BABY BLANKET YESTERDAY... SO AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED... HERE WE GO.

ALWAYS WAITING AND NEVER A TWW

SO NOW I AM WAITING FOR THE RESULTS OF THE CHEST X-RAY AND ABDOMINAL/PELVIC CT SCANS. I SHOULD HEAR FROM THE DOCTOR EITHER TUESDAY OR WEDNESDAY. I FEEL LIKE I AM ALWAYS WAITING FOR SOMETHING BUT I WILL NEVER GET TO THE INFAMOUS TWW. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I KNOW THAT IF THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME IT IS BETTER TO KNOW THEN NOT, ESPECIALLY SINCE WE ARE TRYING TO TRY AND GET PREGNANT (BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN GIVEN THE PERMISSION TO ACTUALLY TRY YET) HOWEVER, THAT BEING SAID... IT IS VERY DISCOURAGING TO HAVE ALL THIS BACK AND FORTH AND WORRY AND WAITING BEFORE WE EVEN BEGIN TO TRY. I MEAN DON'T THESE DOCTORS KNOW THAT I HAVE LOW OVARIAN RESERVE?!?!? C'MON PEOPLE, THE LONGER I WAIT THE HARDER IT IS GONNA BE!!! I GUESS THAT SOUNDS TOO CRAZY TO ACTUALLY TELL A DOCTOR , BUT EVERY DAY THAT PASSES I GET THAT MUCH CLOSER TO CRAZY ANYWAY. I RESCHEDULED MY RE APPOINTMENT FOR THE NEXT TIME DAWN IS OFF, FREAKING APRIL, BY THAT TIME I HOPE TO HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE ALL CLEAR, AND IF NOT, THEN I HOPE TO AT LEAST KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ME AND IN THE MIDDLE OF KICKING WHATEVER IT IS' ASS!!! ALL THIS RANTING AND RAVING AND IN THE END... I STILL HAVE TO WAIT.

FEBRUARY UPDATE

THE UPDATE IS THIS... THERE IS NONE. I AM STILL BACK AND FORTH TO DOCTORS AND STILL HAVE NOT BEEN CLEARED TO GO BACK TO MY RE. AS IT STANDS I AM BEING SENT TO GET AN ABDOMINAL/PELVIC CT SCAN - MAINLY LOOKING AT MY SPLEEN AND LYMPH NODES. CAN'T IMAGINE HOW VERY SCARY THAT SOUNDS TO ME. I MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR THE RE ANYWAY, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE I AM GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL, I DOUBT I WILL BE CLEARED BY THE 19TH, I HAD A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS/OPTIMISM WHEN I MADE THE APPOINTMENT. IN THE MEANTIME, THE MORE TIME PASSES THE WORSE MY CHANCES AT CONCEIVING BECOME. I CAN'T EVEN PUT WORDS TO HOW I FEEL ABOUT ANY OF THIS EXCEPT TO SAY... THIS FUCKING BLOWS!!!