just call me crazy

I CLEARLY MUST BE CRAZY. I GUESS WE ARE ALL A LITTLE MAD FROM THIS WHOLE IVF THING. I MEAN THE WHOLE POINT OF IT IS TO KEEP GOING AND GOING AND GOING UNTIL WE GET A DIFFERENT RESULT... THE EVER ELUSIVE BFP.

HOWEVER, WHEN DO YOU CALL IT QUITS? I HAVE SEEN PEOPLE TRYING FOR UPWARDS OF 7 YEARS, SOME WITH 14+ TRANSFERS. MY HEART GOES OUT TO THEM AND I APPLAUD THEIR BRAVERY AND DETERMINATION. BUT FOR US WE ARE OUT OF STRENGTH, MONEY AND RESOURCES. NOT TO MENTION I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE THE PERSON THIS JOURNEY HAS LEFT BEHIND WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR. SO, OUR END WILL BE WHEN WE HAVE NO MORE FROSTIES. WE CURRENTLY HAVE 3. WE HAD 5 AND THAT SEEMED LIKE SUCH A WONDERFUL SAFE NUMBER. I WAS SURE THAT GUARANTEED US A BFP. I FIGURED WE WOULD NEVER GO THROUGH THAT MANY...THEN SOME HOW 2 MORE BFNs SNUCK UP ON US. 3 SEEMS LIKE SUCH A SMALL NUMBER. IT SEEMS LIKE A NUMBER TOO EASY TO BLOW THROUGH. OF COURSE, AS OF NOW WE HAVE HAD 3 FAILED FETs SO THAT COULD HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY DISTRESS OVER THE NUMBER 3. BUT THAT IS WHAT IT IS. 3. WE HAVE 3 MORE TRIES. 

HOW I SURVIVED THE LAST 3 BFNs IS STILL A QUESTION I CAN'T ANSWER. FRANKLY, I AM STILL TRYING TO STOP CRYING EVERY FEW MINUTES AFTER THE LAST ONE. HOW I AM EVEN GOING TO GET THROUGH 1 MORE IS BEYOND ME. I WANT TO THROW UP JUST WRITING ABOUT IT. SO ONCE AGAIN I AM TRYING TO THROW A GAG OVER THAT LITTLE VOICE IN MY HEAD THAT KEEPS TELLING ME THIS IS NEVER GONNA WORK AND I AM HOPING WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING THAT OUR MEASLY 3 IS WAY MORE THAN WE WILL EVER NEED BECAUSE OF COURSE WE WILL GET OUR BFP THE NEXT TRANSFER. 

ON A SIDE NOTE ALL THAT RAH RAH CHEERLEADING BULLSHIT THAT I JUST SAID IS NOT REALLY WORKING. I AM NOT GETTING BETTER. I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE FEELING BETTER. I HONESTLY JUST WANT TO CRAWL INTO BED, IN THE DARK, AND LIE THERE...INDEFINITELY. IT DOES NOT GET EASIER. IT JUST GETS HARDER.

NORMALLY A NURSE CALLS WITH THE BAD NEWS...FAIRLY LATE IN THE DAY...I GUESS THEY WANT TO LEAVE THE FUCKED UP NEWS FOR LAST...OR MAYBE THEY DRAW STRAWS TO SEE WHO GETS THE SHIT CALLS AND THAT PERSON PUTS IT OFF UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE SO THEY CAN GO HOME RIGHT AFTER AND NUMB THEMSELVES WITH ALCOHOL FOR DELIVERING SUCH AWFUL NEWS AND BREAKING SO MANY HEARTS...OK, OK, MAYBE I AM PROJECTING A LITTLE. (PART OF ME DOES HOPE THEY FEEL BAD THOUGH, EVEN IF IT ISN'T THEIR FAULT.) ANYWAY...LIKE I SAID, NORMALLY IT IS SOME NURSE THAT CALLS, THIS TIME I PICKED UP AND IT WAS THE HEAD DOCTOR...MY HEART JUMPED, SURELY THAT MEANS IT IS GOOD NEWS...AND THEN HE SAID "I AM SORRY". I COULDN'T EVEN TALK. I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER MUCH ELSE OF WHAT HE SAID...PERFECT EMBRYO...DON'T UNDERSTAND...NO REASON...NOT GETTING PREGNANT...JUST WORDS FLOATING BY ME AS MY HEART SHATTERED INTO A BILLION PIECES AS I SAT AT MY DESK BY MYSELF. ALL I COULD REALLY THINK WAS "HOW AM I GOING TO TELL MY WIFE I FAILED US AGAIN. NOW WAIT. I KNOW I KNOW...I DIDN'T FAIL HER, IT'S NOT MY FAULT, DON'T SAY THAT, ETC... I HAVE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE, ESPECIALLY FROM HER. IT DOESN'T MATTER - IT IS HOW I FEEL. I FEEL LIKE A FREAKIN FAILURE. I FEEL LIKE NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE AND I AM JUST GOING TO KEEP RUNNING THROUGH OUR EMBRYOS UNTIL THERE ARE NONE LEFT. I FEEL LIKE I AM KILLING OUR DREAM ONE TRANSFER AT A TIME. 

THESE FEELINGS SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME. THE THOUGHT OF THE NEXT CYCLE SCARES ME. (I GO BACK NEXT MONDAY 11/19) THE THOUGHT OF COMING TO THE END OF OUR JOURNEY SO QUICKLY SCARES ME TOO. SOMETIMES IT SEEMS LIKE WE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOREVER AND SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE ITS MOVING TOWARDS THE END TOO QUICK. WOULD WE CONTINUE IF WE HAD MORE MONEY? MAYBE. MAYBE NOT. I WOULD HAVE SAID YES A YEAR AGO. I WOULD HAVE SAID YES 6 MONTHS AGO. THIS IS JUST TOO HARD SOME DAYS...LATELY, MORE DAYS THAN NOT.