THIS ISH IS GETTING F'ING OLD

BECAUSE APPARENTLY THINGS WERE JUST GOING TOO SMOOTHLY (INSERT EYEROLL HERE) I WAS ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL THE OTHER DAY FOR CHEST PAIN. I HAVE NOT BEEN ADMITTED TO A HOSPITAL SINCE DAVID WAS BORN ALMOST 14 YEARS AGO. IT WAS NOT FUN TO SAY THE LEAST. AFTER HOURS IN THE HOSPITAL ER THEY WERE GONNA LET ME GO BUT DECIDED TO DO ANOTHER EKG JUST IN CASE... AND OF COURSE THAT ONE CAME BACK DIFFERENT THEN THE FIRST...SO THEY KEPT MY ASS WITH THE INTENTION OF DOING AN ECHO AND A STRESS TEST... AFTER A NIGHT OF BLOOD WORK AND EKGS AND VITALS THEY OPTED OUT OF THE ECHO AND STRESS TESTS AND DECIDED TO SEND ME HOME ANYWAY. OF COURSE I ONLY FEEL MARGINALLY BETTER BUT WHAT DO THEY CARE? SO I HOME I WENT AND SPENT THE NEXT TWO DAYS IN BED. I AM BACK AT WORK TODAY AND HAVE A FOLLOW UP WITH MY PRIMARY WHO I CALL DR. DONOTHING. IT SEEMS LIKE SOME DAMN CONSPIRACY OF THE UNIVERSE TO KEEP ME FROM TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. WELL DEAR UNIVERSE, TOO FUCKING BAD, PLANS ARE MOVING FORWARD AND YOU WILL NOT STAND IN MY WAY !!

to be or not to be... depressed

So I am DEPRESSED. I mean who isn't depressed at one point in their lives or another? Well, it seems that I am depressed at all points of my life lately. I wish I could say it is all because of this crazy last few years of ups and downs in ttc but it isn't. The truth is I have been this way since I was a little girl. The truth is I spend most of my time trying to appear happy when inside I feel the complete opposite. It is extremely tiring to spend all your time pretending. Actually, it is fucking exhausting!! I used to be really good at it, now it appears my slip is showing.

Mental illness runs far and deep in my family and I guess I have known that there is something wrong for what seems like forever, and a few years ago I was officially diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder for you sane people) but if you ask me it is the wrong diagnosis. I went to the psychiatrist once and within the first 20 minutes she suggested meds. Now, I am all for everyone doing what works for them, but I personally do not want to be on medication especially after only talking to this woman for 20 minutes. It was right after my son really started having a hard time with his Tourettes, I found myself always crying when he wasn't looking because I could not make it better for him and I did not want him to see me upset about it... to me that sounds like normal mother/child response but then I am not a pill pushing doctor.

That being said... I think I need to talk to someone and my ENTIRE family agrees. I just don't know how all this is going to affect our ttc plans. I think I am most afraid of someone telling me that the things/people that I want/need most in my life are my biggest problems. What to do what to do? I don't really want to do anything. It seems that I am really good at helping people with their problems and feelings... but what about mine? I can't talk about or deal with my own.

WHY NOW?... So, I had a bit of a breakdown the other day and now everyone is looking at me with the side eye like I am gonna find the highest building and take a walk off it... but that isn't the case and frankly I find it annoying that everybody worries when I "don't act like myself" but never during their everyday lives do they consider that like everyone else I am not ok and maybe they should stop talking about their problems for long enough to ask me and genuinely give a fuck about mine. Now everybody is all concerned and upset but maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't have gotten to this point if they had taken a minute to ask before. Then again probably not, they all point fingers at each other for me feeling this way. They all tell me not to worry so much about the others and not to let them weigh me down with all their crap etc... but every single one of those people is a taker. They are the ones who take from me all the time leaving me with nothing in return except worry... lots and lots of worry. Quite frankly I am kinda over it and at this moment the thing that worries me the most is not that underneath the facade of happiness I am depressed but that underneath the depression secretly I don't give a fuck anymore. So what is worse?

a Happy Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING WIFE!! IT IS MOMENTS LIKE THIS WHEN CELEBRATING SOMEONE I LOVE SO MUCH THAT I CAN REMEMBER TO BE THANKFUL FOR THE THINGS THAT I DO HAVE AND NOT FOCUS ON THE THINGS THAT I DON'T. IN HER I HAVE AN AMAZING WIFE WHO IS MY BEST FRIEND, MY BIGGEST SUPPORTER, MY SHOULDER TO CRY ON, MY WALL TO BOUNCE OFF OF, A GREAT MOTHER TO OUR SONS AND THE BEST PERSON FOR ME. WE ARE SO DIFFERENT YET FIT SO PERFECTLY TOGETHER. SHE GETS ME EVEN WHEN I DON'T GET MYSELF. WE FIGHT LIKE ALL OTHER COUPLES AND GOD KNOWS PROBABLY UNLIKE OTHER COUPLES AS WELL BUT IN THE END IT IS OK BECAUSE IT IS NOT WITH EACH OTHER AS MUCH AS FOR EACH OTHER THAT WE DO SO. I LOVE HER WITH ALL OF MY BEING AND AM GRATEFUL EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR HER, EVEN THE DAYS WE WANT TO KILL EACH OTHER.. LOL. SHE HAS MY HEART FOREVER AND IF I AM LUCKY, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE HERS. SO TO MY BEAUTIFUL DAWN, I LOVE YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND THANK YOU.

THE GREEN EYED MONSTER

AS YOU CAN SEE I AM NOT PLAYING NICE. I AM FINDING THAT WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR LATELY THE EYES THAT STARE BACK AT ME ARE NOT MY DARK BROWN DOE EYES BUT THES GLARING GREEN EYES OF A MONSTER THAT QUITE FRANKLY SCARES THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF ME. I AM BY NATURE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WANTS EVER SO MUCH TO HOLD ON TO MY CHILDLIKE IDEA THAT THERE IS GOOD IN EVERYONE AND THAT THERE IS HUMANITY LEFT IN THE HUMAN RACE. I ALWAYS WISH FOR THE BEST FOR OTHERS EVEN IF THAT SOMEHOW DOESN'T VIBE WITH WHAT WORKS FOR ME. I LISTEN TO OTHERS WHENEVER THEY WANT TO TALK EVEN IF AT THE MOMENT I AM DEALING WITH MY OWN PROBLEMS. I TRY TO BE A GOOD FRIEND AND I PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING THE BEST MOTHER AND WIFE. I WOULD DIE FOR MY LOVED ONES AND AM LOYAL TO A FAULT. SO WHY IS THE PERSON LOOKING BACK AT ME SOMEONE I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH? THIS WHOLE FEELING OF FAILURE HAS LEFT A BITTER TASTE IN MY MOUTH AND A GREEN TINT IN MY EYES. I READ ALOT OF BLOGS AND THOUGH I DON'T COMMENT ON THEM ALL I AM ALWAYS ROOTING FOR EVERYONE, LAUGHING, CRYING, YELLING ALONG SIDE THEM. NOW I FIND MYSELF FEELING JEALOUS OF THEIR SUCCESSES AND COMFORTED BY THE FACT THAT I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DID NOT SUCCEED. I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON. ONE OF MY OLDEST FRIENDS WIL BE CALLING ME THIS MORNING TO TELL ME IF SHE IS PREGNANT. SHE HAS A 12 YEAR OLD AND A 1 1/2 YR OLD AND A MONTH AGO WAS TELLING ME SHE HATES HER HUSBAND AND THEY WERE THINKNING ABOUT DIVORCE. SHE TOLD ME SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT AS I WAS FINDING OUT THAT I WAS NOT. SHE KNEW ALL THE DRAMA WE HAD BEEN GOING THROUGH AND WE WERE GONNA BE TRYING THOUGH SHE DIDN'T KNOW THE DETAILS - SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS NOT HAPPY AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ... I TOLD HER WOW AND GOOD LUCK. LAME ASS LINE RIGHT? I KNOW AND I FELT LIKE AN ASSHOLE FOR SAYING IT BUT WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE SAID?? THEN YESTERDAY SHE TOLD ME SHE WOULD BE SAD IF SHE ISN'T. I WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR HER BUT I AM FINDING IT DIFFICULT. SO I AM JUST WISHING FOR HER WHATEVER IS BEST FOR HER. I WILL DEAL WITH MY OWN SHIT AS I GO ALONG AND JUST TRY MY BEST TO BE SUPPORTIVE. IN THE MEANTIME I AM GONNA TRY TO JUST STAY POSITIVE AND WAIT PATIENTLY FOR OUR TURN... AND I AM GONNA WISH EVERYBODY LUCK, POSITIVE THOUGHTS, LOTS OF STICKY BABY DUST AND SEND ALL MY LOVE AND APOLOGIES FOR NOT ALWAYS BEING AS SUPPORTIVE AS I SHOULD BE.

alone in a crowd

So here we are in a state of suspended animation, once again. As is stands I am still an emotional freaking wreck. I was not prepared for all these feelings and I do not think I am handling it very well. I go back and forth between crying and railing at the universe for being unfair and thinking that when it is meant to be it will happen. My wife believes in fate... so do I ... to an extent. I believe that their is a plan for all of us but that like a choose your own adventure book, there are many variations to that plan, and our choices are what ultimately determine which adventure we take on and what ending we come to. I read alot of other blogs and I do not envy those women who have been on the ttc road for what seems like forever. I do admire their strength and determination. However, I do not think my path leads me to such a long journey. We have two beautiful boys and while we want nothing more than to have a child together, we cannot dedicate as long a time to ttc as we would like. That is not our journey. I want to write out a list of all the reasons why we are gonna wait a few more months to try again, why we won't do IVF and why we won't go past my 35th birthday trying but somehow I feel like doing that would take away from everyone else's journey. I feel like placing limits on our ttc so early on diminishes our desire to have a baby in the eyes of others, like we don't make the cut to be part of the group. I have always gone against the grain and been sort of a loner but somehow I thought I would find comfort in blogland instead I feel unworthy and alone. There are so many different situations out there that I read about and yet I find none like ours. Our reasons may not be yours, our decisions may not sound reasonable to you, but they are ours and we own them. To us they are important and a vital part of our adventure. So I will go back to charting and using my OPKs and then we will try again in January/February if all goes well but for now it is time to gather our thoughts and regroup. We have chosen our own adventure just as you have chosen yours but hopefully the end of the story will be the same for all of us even though we have taken different paths.. happy healthy babies.

the end of the first try

SO THIS MONTH'S TRY IS OFFICIALLY OVER. I WON'T EVEN TELL YOU HOW MANY HPTs WE TOOK BECAUSE IT IS JUST INSANE... BUT THEY WERE ALL NEGATIVE, NO FAINT LINES NO GLIMMER OF HOPE... NADA. IF YOU WOULD HAVE HAD ME BET MONEY I WOULD HAVE BET THAT I WAS PREGNANT EVEN THOUGH THE TESTS SAID NO. MY BODY FELT LIKE IT WAS PREGNANT BUT MAYBE IT WAS JUST A FUCKED UP MIX OF HOPE AND THE CLOMID. ANYWAY... I HAD A FEW SPOTS THURSDAY AND FRIDAY WHICH I WAS CHALKING UP TO IMPLANTATION BLEEDING BECAUSE I DO NOT SPOT BEFORE MY PERIOD. THIS MORNING AFTER THE UMPTEENTH HPT I HAD A FEW MORE SPOTS AND THEN ABOUT AN HOUR LATER I PASSED WHAT LOOKED LIKE A SMALL CLOT AND STARTED CRAMPING. I DO BELIEVE THE FAT LADY HAS SUNG AND IT IS OVER. I WAS FEELING KIND OF NUMB, JUST SITTING HERE BY MYSELF... DAWN IS ASLEEP AND SO ARE THE KIDS. BUT NOW AS I TYPE THIS THE TEARS ARE FALLING FREELY AND I CAN SAY THAT I AM TRULY HEARTBROKEN. I KNOW IT SOUNDS SO STUPID CONSIDERING IT WAS ONLY OUR FIRST OFFICIAL TRY AND WELL HELL, EVEN WITH THE CLOMID I ONLY HAVE A 15% CHANCE ANYWAY, BUT I DON'T CARE, MY FUCKING HEART IS BREAKING AND I FEEL LIKE I JUST CAN'T EVEN BREATHE LET ALONE BE RATIONAL ABOUT ALL THIS. I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I CAN LOOK DAWN IN THE FACE. I FEEL LIKE I LET HER DOWN. I KNOW SHE IS GONNA READ THIS AND BE PISSED AT ME FOR SAYING THAT BUT IT IS HOW I FEEL. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE GONNA DO NOW OR WHEN WE ARE GONNA TRY AGAIN BUT I KNOW THAT AT THIS VERY MOMENT I CAN ONLY THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH I AM HURTING RIGHT NOW.

AND SO NOW WE WAIT

OK SO I WASN'T GONNA POST BUT I THINK IF I DON'T GET SOME OF THIS INSANITY OUT I MAY BURST. SO WE DID OUR 1ST AND TURNS OUT ONLY AT HOME ICI ON FRIDAY. WE OPTED OUT OF SATURDAY. SO NOW WE ARE WAITING.... IMPATIENTLY. DAWN SEEMS TO BE MORE IMPATIENT TO KNOW THEN I AM BUT THEN AGAIN SHE IS THE KIND OF PERSON THAT OPENED HER CHRISTMAS GIFTS EARLY AND THEN RETAPED THEM SO NOBODY KNEW. I WISH I COULD TELL HER ONE WAY OR THE OTHER BUT I AM AS IN THE DARK AS SHE IS. I JUST HOPE THAT WHAT EVER HAPPENS FROM HERE ON IN WE ALL KEEP IT TOGETHER. I THINK FOR ME THIS SEEMS SURREAL. I AM NOT SURE WHY. MAYBE I AM AFRAID TO GET MY HOPES UP MAYBE I AM JUST AFRAID... BUT I FEEL A LITTLE NUMB. LIKE IT IS HAPPENING TO SOMEBODY ELSE. I GUESS WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING FOR SOOOO LONG, WHEN YOU FINALLY HAVE IT RIGHT WITHIN YOUR GRASP YOU HESITATE TO TAKE IT FOR FEAR THAT SOMEONE WILL SNATCH IT AWAY. THAT IS AS CLOSE AS AS EXPLANATION AS I CAN GET. I THINK WE ARE TESTING ON THE 15TH... I KNOW, NOT QUITE THE FULL 2 WEEKS BUT LIKE I SAID PATIENCE IS NOT ONE OF MY DARLING WIFE'S VIRTUES. LOL. IN THE MEANTIME FINGERS CROSSED AND LOTS AND LOTS OF SUPER STICKY BABYDUST OUR WAY.